


Bites P1

by Silkywings



Series: Bites [1]
Category: Original Work
Language: Lingua latina
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-19
Updated: 2020-06-19
Packaged: 2021-03-04 00:55:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 22
Words: 180,918
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24805036
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Silkywings/pseuds/Silkywings
Series: Bites [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1794145





	1. Chapter 1

### Chapter 1: Cross And Soundbite! A Painful Partnership Begins!

### Chapter Text

**-Xomniac- Alright, let's see... can you think of any better words than 'smirk'?**

**-Xomniac- It's the general sentiment I want, but I've used it way too much...**

**-CV12Hornet- 'Smug grin'? 'Vulpine grin'? 'Shit-eating grin'?**

**-Xomniac- No, no... gugh!**

**-Xomniac- *Headdesk* Screw it, we've been at this too long. Want to brainstorm something else?**

**-CV12Hornet- Well… I could use someone to bounce ideas off of for this Dragon Ball Z fic I'm thinking of...**

**-Xomniac- Pass, DBZ's not my thing :S**

**-CV12Hornet- Ow, my childhood :P**

**-Xomniac- Heh... hey, you read 'Walk on the Moon'?**

**-CV12Hornet- Can't say that I have.**

**-CV12Hornet- In fact, it's the first time I've heard about it.**

**-Xomniac- It's a Naruto SI. Really brilliant, truly a sight to behold.**

**-CV12Hornet- Oh boy… I've not had good experiences with SI in general. And Naruto? Double whammy there.**

**-CV12Hornet- I mean, there's only one SI I can think of that I can honestly say I liked.**

**-CV12Hornet- And I suspect half the reason is nostalgia.**

**-Xomniac- Heh, I suppose that's fair enough. They** _ **are**_ **a little overdone... but still, you gotta understand why they do it, right?**

**-Xomniac- I mean, can you imagine? Going to those worlds, standing side by side with those people... scary as hell, to be sure... but what the hell are we accomplishing in front of our computer screens?**

**-CV12Hornet- Well, we're entertaining people. That's something, right?**

**-CV12Hornet- Besides, inserting into a fictional universe sounds like a great way to die a horrible death.**

**-Xomniac- Yeees, 'entertaining'... with fics that barely get a second glance... and yeah, it'd be bad, if you were shit outta luck**

**-Xomniac- I mean, so long as you wound up in the right verse, your odds can be pretty good.**

**-Xomniac- Example: One Piece. Get on the Straw Hats and you'd be set for life! In for the wildest ride of your life, but still, pretty damn set.**

**-CV12Hornet- Really? Of all the verses, you picked One Piece?**

**-CV12Hornet- I think I'll stick to the verses where the baseline for durability *isn't* superhuman.**

**-Xomniac- *shrug* Your opinion. Me, though... man, to get to sail on the Blue seas... I'd give anything for that. Least I'd get outta writing papers! XD**

*** Really Outstanding Biotch has joined the conversation!***

**-Bitchingly Ridiculous Outstanding Biotch- Your wish is my command!**

**-CV12Hornet- I was gonna make a joke about nice men in white jackets, but I can't argue with that logic.**

**-Xomniac- Wait wh**

**-Xomniac- Awww shit**

**-CV12Hornet- Wait, who's this jackass?**

**-Xomniac- Read the initials.**

**-CV12Hornet- Oh shit. Oh shit fuck fucking fuckdonkeys.**

**-Bitchingly Ridiculous Outstanding Biotch- Oh calm down. I need one of you to stay behind and keep writing, and** _ **he's**_ **the one who offered.**

**-CV12Hornet-...**

**-CV12Hornet- Yay?**

**-CV12Hornet- I'm... just gonna go talk to Admiral Tigerclaw for you, okay?**

**-Xomniac- Don't.**

**-Xomniac- You.**

**-Xomniac- Fucking.**

***CV12Hornet has left the conversation!***

**-Xomniac-...**

**-Bitchingly Ridiculous Outstanding Biotch- Honor among thieves, huh?**

**-Xomniac- *Headdesk* Tell me about it.**

**-Xomniac- So... no chance of getting out of this?**

**-Bitchingly Ridiculous Outstanding Biotch- None!**

**-Xomniac- Time to prepare?**

**-Bitchingly Ridiculous Outstanding Biotch- Absolutely zero!**

**-Xomniac-... can I grab a change of clothes?**

**-Bitchingly Ridiculous Outstanding Biotch- What you wear is what you get!**

**-Xomniac- Grrggrgrrrrggh...**

**-Xomniac- You're a real bastard, you know that?**

**-Bitchingly Ridiculous Outstanding Biotch- But at least my tone is pleasant!**

**-Xomniac- *Sigh...* Can I at** _ **least**_ **send an email to my parents? They're gonna flip...**

**-Bitchingly Ridiculous Outstanding Biotch- Now** _ **this**_ **is where I'm a little bit** _ **more**_ **pleasant!**

**-Xomniac- ?**

**-Bitchingly Ridiculous Outstanding Biotch- Time dilation! So long as you manage to survive to the end, you'll come back here to this exact point in spacetime with the option of going back to visit whenever you want!**

**-Xomniac- ...that's... oddly generous...**

**-Bitchingly Ridiculous Outstanding Biotch- Weeeell, considering how your chances of survival are slim to none, not rea~lly! Honestly? I just want to make sure you don't angst over your 'precious lost family' like a little bitch! Do you have any idea how** _ **annoying**_ **that gets!?**

**-Xomniac- *HEADDESK!***

**-Xomniac- ... fuck it. Headfirst into hell.**

**-Xomniac- So, how are we doiFUCKSHIT!**

**-Bitchingly Ridiculous Outstanding Biotch- Mind the drop!**

***Xomniac has left the conversation!***

***CV12Hornet has joined the conversation!***

**-CV12Hornet- Hello? Xomniac? You still here, buddy?**

**-CV12Hornet- Crap.**

**-CV12Hornet- Okay, step number one: don't panic!**

**-Bitchingly Ridiculous Outstanding Biotch- Sorry, nobody here but us chickens!**

**-Bitchingly Ridiculous Outstanding Biotch- Now... seeing how you're apparently missing a co-writer...**

**-Bitchingly Ridiculous Outstanding Biotch- Care for some... divine intervention? 8D**

***CV12Hornet has left the conversation!***

***CV12Hornet has blocked Really Outstanding Biotch!***

**-Bitchingly Ridiculous Outstanding Biotch- *pouts* Now that was just rude!**

**-o-**

Warm... soft... scratchy... I sighed as I shifted around a little bit, trying to get comfortable. I just needed a _little_ more sleep, then I'd be ready to go for the day. Just... a little... more...

SPLASH!

COLD! WET! UP MY NOSE!

"GAH! SON OF A FUCKING BITCH!" I howled, springing upright and staggering away from the waves. I panted and doubled over as my head spun from getting up so fast, idly wiping sand from my-

Wait.

I froze as I started to process the facts.

Waves and sand. Neither of those were in my dorm room.

I slowly worked the crust out of my eyes and blinked as I tried to take the scenery in.

A nice, wide stretch of beach, bordering on an endless expanse of beautiful pure blue ocean.

The first thing that ran through my head was ' _This isn't my room.'_

The second was almost ' _How did I get here?',_ but that train was violently derailed by the rapid recollection of the latest memories I could recall.

The _third_ thing that ran through my mind was a mishmash that could be loosely labeled as ' _SHITFUCKFUCKDEADFUCKWHATDOIDOWHATDOIDO!?'_

I promptly slammed the brakes on that line of thought, slapping my hands to my forehead and inhaling deeply through my nose. "Don't panic don't panic don't panic, fear is the mindkiller, don't panic, _think!"_ I ground out, if only for the sake of hearing my own voice.

After a few seconds of standing there and borderline hyperventilating, I managed to calm myself down and actually think about _facts._

Fact one: ROBs are fucking fuckers who deserve to have railroad spikes shoved through every inch of their being.

Fact two: I was calming down a bit if I could manage to swear like a sailor.

Fact three: I was in One Piece. I had to be. Or at least, I had to believe that I was. If I was in some other, less relatively friendly world, or heavens forbid one I knew nothing about...

I shivered violently. No, no, don't think about that, keep going.

Fact three: Chances were high that I was in One Piece. This meant that my proposed course of action was still the best: find my way onto the Straw Hat Pirates. Sure, logically, I could live the life of a civilian, especially if I was somewhere in the East Blue... but that plan has thorns in and of itself. For one, my skillset is firmly zip-to-none on account of me becoming a literal college drop-out, and for another the Blue Seas are teeming with blood-thirsty pirates and Marines with potential to be _worse_ than the pirates!

Was living the life of a Straw Hat terrifying? Yes. Was it dangerous, life-threatening even? Oh hell yeah! Did it guarantee that I'd have some of the potentially strongest people in the world watching my ass so long as I managed to become their friend? You better damn well believe it.

I nodded firmly, my decision reinforced: It looked like it would be a Straw Hat Pirate's life for me.

Moving on, I focused on fact four: I had abso-fucking-lutely no clue where the hell I was.

Well, at least that was one problem I could fix!

I spun on my heel... and stared at the tropical jungle laid out before me.

My guts ran ice cold. ' _Ohgod nonono, not Little Garden, for fuck's sakes_ NOT LITTLE FUCKING DEAD END GARDEN!'

However, a hasty glance at the horizon and a moment of listening was enough to soothe my panicked mind. No mountainous skeletons, no roars of prehistoric monstrosities, no pillars of smoke from periodically erupting active volcanoes. I was safe... for a certain value of the word.

I winced as I tugged at the collar of my jacket. I was also pretty damn hot, and not in the good way!

' _Wait...'_ I blinked as a thought struck me. ' _Jacket?'_

I made a hasty review of my apparel: My favorite large, black and pocket-lined shell jacket/hoodie, check. A t-shirt with urban camo on the chest, check. My black cargo slacks, check. Beaten leather loafers, check. Aaand finally the dark gray pair of industrial-grade heavy-duty bluetooth headphones I'd shelled out almost five-hundred dollars for that were hanging around my neck. Check, for whatever that was worth.

I let out a weary sigh as I zipped my jacket open. As one could expect from a tropical climate such as this, it was rather humid. Thankfully, being a headstrong Floridian with an aversion to showing more skin than I needed to appeared to be paying off for once, as I was used to the heat.

I winced as my head throbbed painfully, promptly whipping my jacket off and tying it's arms around my waist.

Alright, _relatively_ used to it. Sue me, it must have been a hundred degrees out here!

Anyways, without any other options available to me - especially after a final glance back at the ocean confirmed that there wasn't a ship in sight - I started to march forwards into the depths of the muggy green hell.

To be honest, I normally _liked_ taking nice and long walks. However, there were two primary factors missing that made this little venture hell: first, I didn't have any music to listen to, so I was bored straight the hell out of my mind. And second, there wasn't any beaten path to speak of, so I was forcing my way through a dense barrier of wild foliage that was doing everything naturally possible to get in my way.

After what felt like forever of displaying my vast vocabulary to mother nature in a... shall we say, _creative_ manner due to catching my jacket on branches, tripping over roots and ducking under vines and what not, I caught sight of and dashed into a clearing of grass. I almost immediately doubled over as I tried to catch my breath and started to think once anew.

First and foremost, as far as I could tell, the island I was on was most likely deserted, devoid of all forms of sapient life apart from me. Which was... unfortunate. I had absolutely zero idea where I was. I didn't know which Blue I was in, even which _hemisphere_ I was located on! As it stood, I had about a one in three chance of being somewhere I could run into the Straw Hats. East Blue or Paradise? Good! Any other Blue or, god forbid, the New World? Things would become a lot more... interesting was one word. Complicated was more appropriate though.

Second-

My stomach let out a vicious rumble, prompting me to blush in embarrassment. Right, food. Food is definitely my second priority. Which was complicated on account of how I had no experience with nature, but I'd have to at least try. Hopefully I could get my hands on some kind of-

My train of thought ground to a sudden and vicious halt. "I've been marching through this jungle for ages..." I mused aloud. "Why the _hell_ haven't I heard so much as a single animal!?"

"SQUAWK!"

"YEARGH!" I yelped, leaping almost a foot off the ground in shock. The he-!? I snapped my head around and scanned the treeline in shock. Where the hell did those birds come from!?

"OOH OOH AAH AAH!"

I spun around as another cacophony of noise erupted behind me. Now monkeys!? How the hell did they stay hidden!?

"GRRRR!"

I went stock still as a pair of all-too-feral snarls simultaneously erupted from the foliage of my sides. They sounded like my cat... if she were on steroids.

"RRRUFF! RRRUFF!"

And _that_ sounded like my dog straight ahead of me, only a lot bigger and a lot less willing to play.

Forcing myself to keep my breathing slow and my panic out of my thought process, I started to inch myself backwards. Just a bit more, just a little bit closer to the foliage...

" _GROOOOAAAAR!"_

I am _not_ ashamed to say that I shrieked like a little bitch and fell flat on my face as I scrambled away from the jungle. I stand by the firm belief that it was a _very_ appropriate reaction to having a lion roar ten inches behind me.

I gasped and panted heavily as I lay on the grass, my mind reeling with fear. I'd never had a panic attack before, but something told me that I was _right_ on the edge of getting one.

However, before I could go _over_ that edge, a new noise managed to catch my attention.

Laughter. A _lot_ of laughter, from a variety of different people, men and women and young and old alike, like a badly edited together laugh track.

I realized two things from that laugher: First, the fact that a lot of the laughs were unique _really_ helped cement the idea that I was in One Piece. After all, where _else_ would someone have a laugh like "Chyokokoko"?

The second thing, I realized with a furious snarl, was that _someone_ was mocking me. Hastily scrambling to my feet, I charged towards the foliage in the direction the laugher was originating from.

However, just before I hit the plant life, the laughter changed direction, suddenly coming from _behind_ me. I glanced at the opposite side of the clearing for a second, but I ignored it and pressed ahead. Fooling me once was bad enough, and I wasn't willing to go two for two.

And with that, I delved into the jungle, shoving my way through the plants and scouring the jungle for whoever the hell was fucking with my head. After a few minutes, I managed to catch sight of another clearing. I charged out of the jungle...

And promptly slid to a halt, staring in disbelief. "What the hell...?"

The clearing I was in was only half as big as the last one I'd been in, but it had a table of rock in the center of it.

Stationed upon the rock... was a snail, or at least something that looked _very_ similar to a snail. Its shell was a little larger than a baseball, and its body was about the same size to match. Its skin was a darkish gray, and its shell was emblazoned with a black and white checkerboard pattern.

The snail also had eyes on the tips of its stalks and a mouth full of teeth in the middle of its body.

It was _also_ whipping its head back and forth and cackling uproariously, tears of laughter pouring from its eyes.

I blinked as I processed this turn of events. That... was a transponder snail. It was a bit weird to see a snail that big in real life, but the form was unmistakable. I withheld a sigh as I felt a weight lift off my heart. No doubt about it: I was _one hundred percent_ in One Piece!

Then I felt a dark rage flood me. Whoever was mocking me was on the other end of that snail!

"HEY!" I yelled angrily, putting all my frustration into my voice. "ARE YOU ALL THROUGH ENJOYING THE SHOW OR WHAT!?"

The snail jumped in shock, blinking at me in surprise... before leaping back and _screaming_ in terror. And not just any scream either, a high-pitched _woman's_ scream.

I jumped at the noise, my breath catching in my throat. "What the fuck!?" I blurted.

Then I froze as I noticed something. It's shell... it was unblemished! There wasn't a speaker in the side of its shell!

My mind flew as I to connect what I was seeing. This was a transponder snail, no doubt about it, but without an _actual_ transponder attached to it, then it was a _wild_ snail. And as far as I knew, it was impossible for people to communicate through wild transponder snails...

My mind froze as I ran the last sentence through my head. Impossible... like, say... a person of rubber?

I smiled uneasily as I made the connection. "You've got to be kidding me..." I muttered in disbelief.

It was at that point that I started as I realized that the sound I'd been listening to had changed. Instead of screaming, the snail had curled in on itself and was crying its head off, sobs coming out of it in a loop.

I flinched as I took in the reaction. _Now_ I remembered a rather pertinent fact: snails this small were known as _baby_ transponder snails. Sure, I liked kids as much as I liked writing essays, but this...

A stab of guilt ran through me as a particularly miserable sob rang out from the snail. I hastily fell to my knees and inched my way towards the snail, my hands raised placatingly. "Hey hey hey, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" I cooed softly. "I didn't mean to yell, I was just frustrated, please don't cry!"

The snail's cries subsided as it slowly looked up at me, tears still streaming down from its eyes. "S-sowwy?" It croaked in a voice that wouldn't be out of place coming from a toddler.

I hesitated for a moment before smiling shakily and slowly nodding. "Yeah, s-sowwy. By the way..." I slowly made my expression eager as I leaned forwards, looking at the snail with interest. "That's a really neat trick you've got there. Did you get them after eating a fruit with swirls that tasted yucky?"

The snail blinked at me before nodding its head slowly. "C-co _co_ nut." It said, the word pasted together with syllables from several other voices. It then scrunched its face up and stuck its tongue out in disgust. " **Blech!"** It spat in the voice of an old man.

I chuckled lightly at the face it made. "Heh, yeah. I hear that those kinds of fruits usually taste like ass." I slowly looked him over in curiosity. "So... unless I miss my guess, you can make all kinds of sounds and noises, right?"

Almost instantly, the snail smiled and nodded. It opened its mouth...

"GAH!"

And I promptly jumped in shock as the forest around me _erupted_ with noise. Screeches, roars, snarls, buzzing, everything one would expect from a jungle. Like someone had just up and flipped a switch!

However, as swiftly as the noise started, it came to an abrupt end and was replaced with the laugh track from before as the snail returned to laughing itself senseless.

I panted as I processed the change in demeanor before slowly starting to snicker. "That... that _was_ pretty funny..." I admitted with a shaky smile before closing my eyes in thought. "Alright... seeing how Apoo can apparently use his powers to make music, I'm guessing he's got something akin to the Music-Music Fruit. So..." I looked at the snail contemplatively. "I guess that means you ate the... what, Noise-Noise Fruit?"

The snail stopped laughing and considered my words for a second before smiling and bobbing its head from side to side. "Noise-Noise Fruit, Noise-Noise Fruit!" It crowed in _my_ voice.

My eye twitched slightly. "Alright, that's a little creepy..." I admitted before hastily plastering a smile on my face. "But cool!" I slowly extended my hand towards the snail. "It's really nice to meet you. My name is Cross. Jeremiah Cross."

The snail blinked and sniffed at my hand contemplatively before smiling. I smiled in turn as well.

It then opened its mouth...

_CHOMP!_

"YEARGH!"

And brought its teeth down on my index finger, causing me to howl in pain as I shot to my feet and whipped my hand back and forth. "GETOFFGETOFFGETOFF!" I shouted, trying to get the gastropod to release my digit.

Finally, the toothy snail had the decency to let go of my finger, flying off me and bouncing off the stone it'd been resting on before righting itself. It's eyes spun madly for a second... until it refocused itself and grinned madly, cackling once anew.

I huffed and shook my finger frantically as I tried to work out the pain. That had hurt like a bitch! I cast a vehement glare at the snickering snail as I started to wipe the mucus and saliva off on my pants. "I take back all the nice things I said about you! You're nothing more than a little—!"

I froze as my hand bumped into my pocket. Specifically, against something _inside_ my pocket.

Slowly, ponderously, I dug my hand into my pocket and withdrew what was within in disbelief.

"I can't freaking believe it..." I breathed.

In the palm of my hand was the last thing I'd ever expected to see: My iPhone 6S, completely intact and, with any luck, fully functional.

Suddenly, the device pinged and its screen lit up, displaying a text message.

**-B.R.O.B.- Ain't I generous? Check out the upgrades!**

It didn't take long to understand what my 'beneficiary' was talking about: a quick once-over of the screen showed that there were infinity signs next to both the battery and wifi symbols, guaranteeing that my phone would be working for a nice long while.

"Huh..." A grin slowly played across my face. "Well... thanks, I guess!" I slowly tilted my grin to make it a bit more hopeful. "I don't suppose you could get me something to eat too, while you're at it?"

Another text popped up.

**-B.R.O.B.- Greedy greedy! Buuut sure, why not? Wouldn't do for you to starve, would it?**

Without warning, something fell and landed on my head. I hastily snapped my hand out and caught whatever it was before it could fall to the ground. I smiled immediately once I caught sight of the golden arches emblazoned on the paper.

Most people would bitch and moan about McDonalds being unhealthy shit. Then again, those same people hadn't spent who-knows-how-long tramping through a jungle.

"Thanks a lot!" I crowed, opening the bag and digging into the food within, enjoying it... right up until I actually _noticed_ one of the tastes in my mouth and froze in horror.

I swallowed heavily, slowly turning a horrified look towards my phone. "Did... I just eat a biscuit?"

**-B.R.O.B.- I guess this'll teach you to watch what you put in your mouth, huh?**

The blood promptly drained from my face. "Oh you son of a-!"

As if on cue, my stomach let out a far too familiar gurgle of distress.

A roll of toilet paper promptly bounced off my skull.

**-B.R.O.B.- Run run run, as fast as you can! Better hurry, lest you soil your pants, little man!**

"FUCK!" I howled, scooping up the toilet paper and darting off in search of a suitable hole.

After about a half hour of what felt like liquid napalm tearing through my intestinal tract, I finally managed to stumble my way back into the clearing. "I need to stop laughing at those Haribo Gummy Bear reviews. I know their pain _far_ too well..." I glanced down at my palm with a scowl. "And as for you-!"

I froze and stared at my _empty_ hand in shock. Where the hell had I-!? I promptly slapped a hand to my forehead. Right, dropped it when I grabbed the toilet paper. I started scanning the ground. It should still be somewhere on the...

I caught sight of the bottom of my iPhone... just as it disappeared into the maw of the transponder snail, followed by it swallowing heavily and grinning at me with a shit-eating smile.

...grass.

My eye twitched furiously. "Ah... I... you..." I mumbled out. My mouth promptly twisted into a dark scowl as I started to march towards it, my fingers twitching murderously. "You... little... _shit..."_

The snail's smile dropped in favor of a fearful expression as it started to inch away from me, glancing left and right in search of an escape route.

Then it suddenly froze, blinking as it's gaze became slightly unfocused, staring at something I couldn't see.

I hesitated slightly as I stared at it. "Uh... hey, are you alright? I'm pissed, I don't _really_ want to hurt you, I'm just a little-!"

" **!"** The snail suddenly blared, it's head snapping up in wide-eyed shock.

"GAH!" I leapt back from the snail in shock at the sound the snail had made. It was loud and frantic and-!

I blinked as I caught up with my train of thought. Wasn't that sound-?

"Was... was that the Metal Gear Solid alert sound?" I asked in disbelief.

The snail blinked at me in confusion before smiling exuberantly, opening its mouth...

" _IT'S THE EYE OF THE TIGER, IT'S THE_ _THRILL OF THE FIGHT, RISIN' UP TO THE CHALLENGE, OF OUR RIVAL!"_

And belting out lyrics from a _very_ familiar sound.

I gaped at the snail in disbelief. "You've... got to be _kidding_ me..." Suddenly, as I shifted my shoulders, I became intensely aware of the weight around my necks. Thinking fast, I snapped my headphones up and over my ears and clicked them on, _praying_ that my 'patron' - a word I was _very_ hesitant to use - had upgraded these as well.

Almost instantly, I was forced to wince as my ears came under an auditory assault.

"WHAT DOES THE FOX SAY? _I'M SEXY AND I KNOW IT!_ **WE ARE, WE ARE, WE ARE MADE FROM BROKEN PARTS!** CEEEELEBRATE GOOD TIMES, COME ON!"

"Grk!" I hastily whipped the headphones back down around my neck in an effort to save my eardrums. I gave the snail a bemused look as it continued to smile and bob it's head to some unheard beat. "Oh yeah, you _definitely_ have access to my world's internet..."

The snail finally looked up and smiled at me with a snarky smirk. "Thank _you!_ " He crowed.

I blinked at in disbelief for a second before freezing as a thought struck me. I looked over the snail contemplatively. This snail, his power wasn't much, but... well, on the surface, rubber and silence and springs didn't seem like a lot either, right? And quite honestly, I _liked_ being able to swim, so... Well, nothing for it, right?

"Hey... you can understand me, right?" I started slowly.

The snail looked up at me before nodding slowly.

"Right... well..." I looked away uncomfortably. Man, why did this have to be so hard. "Look, let me ask you something... do you _like_ being here on this island? I mean..." I gestured at the silent forest around us. "The reason there aren't any animals nearby... I'm guessing it's because you scare them away with that noise you make, right?"

The snail started and stared at me in shock before nodding again, only this time its expression was saddened.

"If you could... what would you say about leaving this island? With me, I mean."

The snail snapped its head up in shock.

"See..." I scratched the back of my head with an uneasy smile. "I've... got a bit of a plan. You know what pirates are, right?"

The snail nodded with a grimace.

"Well, I know about a pirate crew that's _not_ like other pirates. They're strong and amazing and... well, I want to join them! I want to join their crew and follow them out to sea and... well, hopefully have a lot of fun doing it. But..." I hung my head with a sigh. "The fact is, a pirate's life is a dangerous one, and I'm just a plain old normal human being. A nobody, really. I don't have the edge needed to survive on the high seas."

I then slowly raised my eyes and looked at the snail hopefully. "So... I was wondering... if you'd be willing to come with me and _be_ that edge?"

The gastropod tilted its head in confusion. " _Say whaaa?"_ It imitated.

I shrugged helplessly. "Well, the fact is, all Devil Fruits have the potential to be incredibly powerful, none are inherently weak. All that's needed to make them work is their user's ingenuity. But, well..." I gestured at the snail with a grimace. "As you already know, you're a bit... physically challenged."

" **DON'T CHU DIS ME, BOY!"** The snail barked irately.

"Hey hey, that's neither your fault, nor is it anything to be ashamed of, it's just a fact!" I waved my hands defensively. "But, well... look, I'm trying to make you a proposition, alright? Come with me: You be the power, the brawn, and I'll be your arms and legs, the person to tell you how to _direct_ your powers, how to use them to their fullest! The brains!" I spread my arms wide. "Together, we'd be able to join those pirates and sail the Blue Seas! We'd see sights we never imagined, do things that have never been done! Basically... we'd have an adventure. And let's be honest..."

I cast a baleful look at the jungle. "It's not like you or I would ever have one here, now would we?" I looked back down at the snail. "So... what do you say, kid? Are you in or are you out?"

The snail bit it's lip as it glanced back and forth contemplatively, gears grinding in its head. Finally, it smiled from eyestalk to eyestalk and extended an eye. "Put 'er there, partner!" It drawled.

I smiled eagerly. "Well alright then!" I extended my hand-

CHOMP!

" _GRK!"_

And winced in pain when the snail chomped down onto my fingers, grinding its teeth into my digits.

I half-grimaced, half-smirked at the snail as I brought it up to my eye-level. "I think I just got a good name for you..." I ground out. "How do you feel about being called Soundbite?"

The snail - Soundbite - glanced up at me before smirking and redoubling the strength of his bite.

"YEOWCH!" I cried out, flinging my hand up.

Thankfully, Soundbite let go. Unfortunately _he let go!_

"Oh crap crap crap!" I scanned the air. "Hey, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, are you alri-!?"

CHOMP!

I went stiff as a sharp pressure clamped down on a very... _delicate_ part of my body.

At that instant, I became acutely aware of just how _tired_ I was. Seeing no point in staying upright, I slumped forwards and fell face first into the grass.

"It's official..." I groaned miserably. "This bites..."

Soundbite snickered malevolently from where he was gnawing on my ass in agreement.


	2. Chapter 2

### Chapter 2: Meet The Straw Hats! What Is This Rising Feeling?

### Chapter Text

" _Pst! Wakey wakey!"_

"Mmmph... no..."

" **Time to wake up!"**

"Mmmeergh... mmm... pancakes..."

" _ **HEY, LISTEN!"**_

"GAH!" I jolted upright with a yelp, wincing as I whipped my headphones from my ears. "Son of a- _Soundbite!"_ I snarled at the Transponder Snail that was cackling on my shoulder. A quick glance at the sky reaffirmed my anger. "It's not even _noon_ yet you little shit! What'd you wake me up for?"

The snail's response was to continue laughing for almost a minute as it did its level best to memorize my terrified expression.

I heaved a weary sigh as I waited the snail out.

This had been my life for the previous two weeks. I'd done my best to explore the island in hopes of finding _some_ sign of civilization, but I'd come up with absolutely jack squat. There _had_ been the occasional run-in with the odd predatory sample of fauna here and there, but Soundbite had more than shown his worth by running them off with the barrage of sound every living thing on the island had come to fear.

I'd also taken the time to get to know Soundbite, in order to discover both who he was and what his powers were like. There wasn't much to say about the snail, to be honest: he was a notorious prankster through and through, who'd give or do _anything_ to get a good laugh. And he'd been laughing a lot since I'd provided him with a prime target of opportunity: His faithful steed, i.e. me. He also _loved_ using his mouth. Whenever he wasn't laughing, he was chomping down, either on some leaves or, worse, _me._

As for Soundbite's Noise-Noise powers, they were... well, in a word, impressive. I suppose one way to describe the snail would be as the world's most talented ventriloquist. So long as Soundbite heard a noise, _any_ noise, he could replicate it _perfectly,_ with his own choice in volume and explicit control over the direction it came from. Backwards, forwards, above, below, to the sides, so long as it was in Soundbite's range he could make anything sound like it was anywhere.

And as for his range, well... apparently, the Noise-Noise Fruit was a two-way street: it didn't just enhance the noise coming out of him, it enhanced what went in as well. It was hard to get an _exact_ measurement, but from the tests we'd run on the island's beach, I'd approximate that as it stood, Soundbite could hear everything within a quarter mile of him. And so long as Soundbite could hear someone or something, he could produce noise around that someone or thing as well.

While this range might _appear_ to be ridiculous, it made sense: from what I could remember from the SBS question corners, transponder snails communicated with one another via telepathic communication in the form of radio-waves. Unless I missed my guess, Soundbite's natural abilities as a transponder snail must have enhanced the Noise-Noise Fruit's abilities, or vice-versa. Probably something like how Eneru's powers made his 'mantra' ungodly powerful. Simply put, it was a stroke of luck that Soundbite had eaten the fruit, and not a human with less powerful sensory abilities.

And of course, that wasn't even mentioning the nigh endless array of audio that Soundbite had access to thanks to eating my iPhone and getting access to the internet... however the hell _that_ worked. Then again: One Piece, the world where a cook could set his leg on fire for extra POW via spinning a lot and the 'power of love'.

In the end though, while it didn't seem like the most offensively useful ability to have, I could definitely see the potential.

' _Now if only its_ owner _were actually a bit more mature...'_ I groused silently as I watched Soundbite calm down from cackling to just flat out snickering. "Finished?" I demanded.

Soundbite shot me the shit-eating grin I'd grown all-too-familiar with. _"Never!"_ he crowed.

I sighed and knocked my head back against the trunk of the tree I'd been sleeping in. "You'd better have a good reason for waking me, or I swear-!"

" _C'mooooon, guys! Hurry up already!"_

I froze, my entire body locking up. That voice... that was... could that actually be-!? I hastily slid my headphones on in order to reaffirm what I waas hearing.

" _Wait for us, Luffy! Geeze... impatient moron..."_

I slowly turned my head to stare at Soundbite in sheer disbelief. I managed to catch the tail end of an exasperated smile he was wearing before he switched to a wide smirk.

" _Well what did you expect? He_ is _Luffy after all."_

I sat up eagerly as Soundbite scowled, clenching his teeth together as though he were biting into something.

" _The mosshead's got a point. He wouldn't be our captain if he didn't charge headfirst into the unknown, shouting his head off."_

My exuberant smile was an exact opposite to the panicked expression Soundbite suddenly bore.

" _Uh... guys? I-I-I don't know about you, but I think my 'I-don't-want-to-go-into-that-wild-jungle' disease_ might _be acting up!"_

I slid my headphones back around my neck and hastily scrambled to my feet, crouching on my branch with an eager smile. I could barely believe it! They were here, they were _here!_ "Sounds like we've got company, Soundbite!" I grinned wholeheartedly. "You feel ready to entertain some guests?"

Soundbite mirrored my expression perfectly as he displayed his full set of teeth. **"LLLLLLET'S GET READY TO RUUUUUMBLEEEEE!"** He belted out, thumping out a rapid, energetic tune to go with it.

I slowly straightened up, preparing myself for a venture through the treetops...

"Hey, that's a pretty neat trick!"

Until a grinning, Straw Hat-clad head popped out from the leaves above me, causing me and Soundbite to shriek in terror as I jolted back in shock.

I had all of one second to realize what a bad idea that was before I started pinwheeling my arms, fighting to maintain my precarious balance on the branch under Luffy's bemused stare.

I put up a valiant effort, but eventually I felt my center of gravity slip just a _little_ too low.

"Ah shitbiscuits..." I groaned.

"TIMBER!" Soundbite cried, snapping back into his shell as I plummeted out of the tree...

CRASH! "OUCH!"

And slammed into the ground hard enough to knock the breath out of my lungs.

I was vaguely aware of someone leaping down next to me and leaning over me. "H-, -ou -ight?"

"Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer do..." I slurred out.

"YAN **kee** _doo_ dle _**had**_ **a** _FARM..."_ Soundbite concurred in a medley of dizzy voices.

"Shishishishi!" The blur above me solidified into a familiar face as Luffy snickered. "You two are funny!"

"Thank you, thank you, I'll be here all week." I groaned as I slowly shifted myself into a sitting position, wincing as my body ached from the impact.

" _You've been warned, people!"_ Soundbite crowed.

"HAHAHA!" Luffy outright guffawed, clutching his stomach helplessly. "I take it back, you two are _really_ funny!"

His laughter was infectious enough that it drew a pained smile from me. "Thanks again... ah, I should introduce myself, shouldn't I?" I extended a hand to him. "Cross. Jeremiah Cross. Island bum and ex-rookie-world-traveler." I nodded my head towards my shoulder. "And this is my pet-!"

CHOMP!

I winced as Soundbite tried to take a chunk out of my ear and hastily corrected myself. "I-I-I mean my _partner,_ Soundbite." I shot a glare at the smirking gastropod.

Luffy chuckled as he took my hand and helped haul me to my feet. "Nice to meet you, Cross! You too, Soundbite! I'm Monkey D. Luffy! Pleased to meetcha!"

I shook his hand. "Nice to meet you too, Luffy! What brings you to this particular abandoned corner of the... East Blue?" I estimated, based on the fact that the Straw Hats were only five members strong and didn't have Vivi on board.

The captain shrugged, his expression never changing. "Me and my crew were running a little low on meat, so we came here to resupply!"

I smiled eagerly. This was my chance! " _Your_ crew, huh?" I asked him.

"Shishishi! Yup, you bet!" Luffy nodded. "We're pirates, you see!"

"Yo _ho_ **ho and a bottle of rum?"** Soundbite tilted his head to the side.

"Yup!" The rubber-man nodded.

I hastily morphed my expression into an uncertain one. "Pirates, huh? Just to be clear, are we talking about the 'rape, loot, pillage'kind of pirates, or the 'adventures no matter what anyone tells us' kind?"

Luffy grimaced and stuck his tongue out. "The second one! The first kind are all stupid fakers!"

I doubled over and sighed in relief. "Phew... thank god. Sorry, no offense to you or your crew, it's just that you can never be too careful, you know?"

" _STRANGER DANGER! STRANGER DAN-ger...?"_ Soundbite concurred with a grimace before suddenly cutting off mid-sentence and peering over Luffy's shoulder curiously.

"Heh, no problem! Luffy shrugged with a chuckle. "I've dealt with those kind of jerks before!"

I nodded and chuckled along with him. "Yeah, yeah..." As I chuckled, my mind flew along.

This was it. Now was the time. Luffy had already shown interest in me, Cross the intriguing island bum and my talking snail Soundbite. If I was going to ask him if I could join his crew, now was the time.

I took a deep breath to steady myself-

"Hey, mind if I ask you something?"

Before freezing in surprise. I stared at him for a second before shrugging. "Sure?"

Soundbite worked his jaw and imitated eating popcorn, sound and all, as he watched both us and the foliage behind Luffy.

Luffy grinned from ear to ear. "Will you join my crew?"

I blinked as I processed his question. Then...

"ARE YOU SERIOUS!?" I demanded, my shocked exclamation mirrored closely by the quartet of familiar faces who erupted from the jungle, all of us screaming in shock.

" _Now that's what I call_ **ENTERTAINMENT!"** Soundbite cheered, laughing himself silly on my shoulder.

I promptly shook myself out of my shock in favor of glaring at the snail. "You _knew_ they were coming!" I accused.

" _GUI~LTY~!"_ The transponder snail sang.

I snarled furiously as I raised a hand and held it close to his head, inches from strangling him.

Luffy, meanwhile, was not so lucky. "What the hell are you thinking, you moron, just asking every random hick and hillbilly you meet to join our damn crew?!" Nami snarled as she tried to throttle her laughing captain, shaking him back and forth by his neck.

I briefly wondered whether or not I should have been insulted at being called a hick. Then I noticed just how tightly she was gripping Luffy's neck and dismissed that train of thought with a self-conscious gulp.

"But Nami!" Luffy protested as he chortled, completely unaffected by the fact that his crewmate was trying to suffocate him. "He's not a random hick! His name's Cross and he's really funny and cool and his snail can do all kinds of tricks!"

"WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING!?"

Sanji cocked his eyebrow as he took a drag from his cigarette, watching the spectacle neutrally. "So this is pretty much how he does things around here?"

Zoro groaned and kneaded the bridge of his nose. "He found me when I was tied up and starved for nearly a month and held my swords hostage to make me join. Does that answer your question?"

The cook grimaced. "Considering how he 'refused my refusal'? All too well."

While all this was transpiring, Usopp sighed wearily and clapped his hand on Cross's free shoulder. "Sorry about Luffy. He's got a good heart, but he's... eh..." He waved a hand in search of a valid word.

I tore my attention away from my shoulder-annoyance. "A moron?" I deadpanned.

" _A ding-a-ling?"_ Soundbite offered enthusiastically. "A goofball? **A Knucklehead McSpazatron?"**

"Eep!" Usopp flinched back in shock.

"Shishishishi!" Luffy bent his head backwards as he smiled at Soundbite. "See Nami? I told you that his snail is really cool!"

Nami snapped an acrid glare up at us, prompting me to flinch self-consciously. The woman had a hell of a gaze, that was for sure. I just _really_ hoped that more of her ire was meant for Luffy than it was for me. "It's a good ventriloquist act, I'll give you that, but it's nothing to get worked up over."

I bristled at the accusation, pointing at Soundbite. "Hey, I do _not_ have my finger up his ass!"

" _I'm not your puppet!"_ The snail sang in agreement simultaneously with an affronted expression.

Nami's expression morphed into one of surprise. "Oooookay... that's new."

" _But_ not impossible." Sanji said around his cigarette as he pointed at the snail. "That's a baby transponder snail, Luffy. He's got a friend somewhere on the island speaking through it."

Luffy's expression fell into one of disappointment. "Awww, really?"

I allowed myself to throw an eager smirk at Sanji. "Guess again, curly!" I gloated, holding my hand to my shoulder and allowing Soundbite to crawl onto my palm. I then held him out and twisted my hand around, displaying his shell. "Soundbite here is as free as the wind!"

The snail smirked and looked Nami over once before letting out a loud wolf-whistle.

I spat out a curse and promptly clapped my hand down on Soundbite's shell, forcing him back inside his exoskeleton he shook with laughter. "Okay, make that as free as an anarchist!" I corrected aggravatedly. I _really_ hated it when he did stuff like this, damn it!

Sanji blinked as he slowly lowered his finger. "Alright... yeah, I got nothing."

Luffy's grin redoubled instantly. "I told you his snail was cool!"

"Oi, what am I, chopped liver?" I groused.

Zoro gave the snail a bored look before looking up at me with a flat, if calculating, look. "So how does he do it?"

I drew myself upright and took my hand off Soundbite's shell, allowing him to peek out. We locked gazes for a second before we shared a smirk. Time to shine!

"Why I'm so glad you asked!" I announced in a slightly extravagant tone of voice, intent on putting on the best show I could. "Allow me to explain in _style!_ Soundbite?"

" _Yes cap'n?"_ The snail asked eagerly as he looked up at me.

I snapped my fingers and pointed straight at Nami. "Hit it!"

Soundbite swung around on my hand and smirked at the orange-haired woman, who blinked back at him in curiosity.

I kept pointing at her as I smiled before starting to speak. _"You see, the thing about Soundbite is that he's not an ordinary snail!"_

The Straw Hats yelped in shock as my voice was drowned out by _Nami's_ voice as it came from Soundbite's mouth.

"The _heck-!?"_ The original sputtered.

Before they could recollect themselves, I'd swung my finger to point at Usopp. _"Well, I mean, I know that he's a baby transponder snail, so he's not normal already, but he's even weirder than that!"_

"Holy crap!" The long-nosed pirate breathed in shock.

I then turned my focus on Sanji. _"See, Soundbite here, as a snail, eats a wide variety of plants and vegetation. But awhile back, he ate a very_ particular _plant that put him above and beyond all other transponder snails, baby or otherwise! Care to guess?"_

Sanji sucked in a puff from his cigarette as he watched me and my partner with interest. "A Devil Fruit."

" _That's exactly right!"_ I responded in his voice before shifting Soundbite's gaze over to Zoro. _"To be specific, he ate a Paramecia fruit, which I'm calling the Noise-Noise Fruit. Not only does it enhance Soundbite's range of hearing well above and beyond the norm..."_

I breathed a mental sigh of relief as the swordsman grinned in response to the use of his voice, thankfully entertained.

Moving on, Luffy matched me and Soundbite's grins tooth for tooth as I pointed at him. _"It lets him repeat anything he hears, any time, any where! He can use his powers in other cool ways too, like, say... putting my words in your voices! Pretty awesome, huh?"_

Apparently sensing the finale, Luffy threw his arm over my shoulder and joined me as I laughed. _"Shishishishi!"_ we chorused.

Almost instantly, half the crew deflated as exhaustion seemed to overcome them.

"Oh god there's two of them..." Nami groaned, tears streaming down her face.

"We're doomed..." Usopp concurred in the exact same position.

Zoro snorted as he looked us over with a slightly amused expression.

Sanji took in a deep drag from his cigarette as he contemplated my snail. "That was..."

"Impressive?" I shrugged with a grin as I put Soundbite back on my shoulder. "Tell me about it. And personally, that's what I consider a parlor trick. He's got a few other stunts up his shell that, in my opinion, can be put to pretty good use."

" _ **GREEAAAH!"**_ Soundbite howled without warning. The noise originated directly behind Usopp, causing the poor guy to jump a full five feet in the air as he shrieked in terror.

I dropped my face into my hand with a groan as Soundbite laughed himself shitless. "When he isn't screwing around for the absolute hell of it..." I snarled out.

To Usopp's credit, he managed to bounce back with frightening fortitude, leaping to his feet and sticking his infuriated face into Soundbite's. "WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR YOU STUPID SNAIL!?"

My eyes widened in panic as I caught sight of the snail's grin all but _doubling_ in size. "Oh nonono wait _don't-!"_

Too late. Before anyone could react, Soundbite seemed to split his head in half as he opened his maw...

CHOMP! _"YEEEEAAAAAARGH!"_

And bit down on Usopp's nose, hanging on for dear life as he was swung around and around by the pirate's pained flailing, his by-now-trademark cacophony of laughter echoing throughout the clearing.

I could feel, _feel_ my eye twitching as I watched the spectacle. "As you can see, I didn't name him without reason." I explained in a deadpan tone of voice.

"You have our sympathy." Zoro, Sanji and Nami chorused with the exact same amount of emotion.

Luffy was too busy rolling on the floor laughing to say much of anything.

"GET! HIM! OOOOOFF!" Usopp howled, tugging at the gastropod furiously.

Ultimately, I took pity on the sniper by pursing my lips and blowing a sharp whistle. "Soundbite! Let him go, _now!"_ I then raised my hand and barely even flinched as Soundbite's shell slapped into my palm, vibrating with laughter. "Thank you." I told him without so much as a shred of gratitude as I slapped him back onto my shoulder.

" _You're_ WEL **come!"** He sang gleefully.

Nami pursed her lips for a second as she looked me over before shooting a flat look at her captain. "Look, Luffy," she started slowly. "While I can appreciate Cross and Soundbite's talents, and while I'm sure that they're ... that _Cross_ is relatively decent..."

"Thank you!" I piped up.

" **BITE ME!"** Soundbite offered, smiling nonetheless.

"But the fact remains that... well… he hasn't even agreed to this!" Nami snapped. "Besides, he's a normal guy, Luffy! I'm sure he's got a normal life, normal dreams! There's no reason why he'd want to sail with us!"

"Besides the fact that I've been stranded here for the past two weeks, subsisting on whatever fruits and whatnot that Soundbite could direct me to?" I asked with a grimace. That stuff had _not_ been kind to me. I wanted my meat, damn-! ...holy hell I was turning into Luffy.

Nami rolled her eyes as she looked at me. "Well _obviously_ we're going to give you a ride off the island, but-!"

A quick and meaningful glance at Soundbite prompted him to produce a loud buzzing noise that interrupted Nami.

"If I could try getting a word in edgewise?" I asked her politely.

Sanji looked like he was ready to pop a blood vessel, but Nami blinked at me in confusion before shrugging. "Ah... sure, go ahead."

"Thank you..." I nodded in gratitude before turning my attention to Luffy. "Now then... Mister Monkey D. Luffy... I've got a question for you."

Luffy blinked and tilted his head to the side curiously. "Yeah? What is it?"

"You said that you were an adventuring pirate, right? Out to sail the seas in search of the most fun and awesome escapades you can think of?"

_That_ prompted Luffy to grin eagerly. "Yup! Totally!"

I nodded slowly in understanding. "Alright, alright... then... tell me..." I looked him dead in the eye. "What _exactly_ drove you to fly the Jolly Roger? What's the endgame, the big picture? Simply put..." I spread my arms wide and shrugged. "What's your dream?"

Luffy's expression became blank for a second before he raised a hand to clamp down on his hat as he grinned from ear to ear. "That's easy!"

"I'm gonna be king of the pirates!"

My plan was to smile and nod. To agree with his crazy but all-too-probable dream and just roll with it. To just... accept it.

That wasn't what happened.

Instead, the world just seemed to... _stop_. Those words... they resonated with me. Struck a chord, deep, deep down within, and made it _sing._ It was... clarity. It was obvious, it was simple, it was...

It was _fact._

And just as quickly as it came, it went.

I hastily gave myself a mental shake before grinning wholeheartedly. "King of the pirates, huh? That means you'll be searching for the One Piece, right? In the Grand Line?"

Luffy's grin remained in place as he nodded eagerly. "Uh-huh! It's gonna be super dangerous! We'll probably die on the way!"

"DON'T SAY IT LIKE THAT, MORON!" Nami and Usopp roared as they slammed their fists over his skull, while Sanji and Zoro merely rolled their eyes.

I widened my grin as I ignored the antics. "Well then... let me tell you _my_ dream," I took a calming breath as I hastily reviewed the relatively simple story I'd concocted in my head during my relatively solitary confinement. "First and foremost, can you all keep a secret?"

The Straw Hats exchanged bemused glances before nodding their assent.

"Perfect. See, the thing is, my home? You won't ever find it on any written maps. 'Cause as far as the rest of the world knows?" I snickered lightly. "There _aren't_ any countries on the Red Line!"

_That_ drew looks of awe and disbelief from the pirates.

"Are you serious?" Nami breathed.

I nodded solemnly. "Indeed. A small country, more a city-state than anything, known as Florida, located on the part of the Red Line that borders the North Blue and the East Blue. Our ancestors founded it somewhere around... eh..." I waved my hand in a 'so-so' manner. "Four, five hundred years ago? I was never much of a history buff."

I shook my head. "Anyways, the reason my ancestors founded it was that they were sick of living under the oppressive thumbs of varying kingdoms and factions of the World Government, so little by little they gathered together before scaling the Red Line and founding a nation for themselves. They then made _certain_ to keep Florida nice and secret, so that they would never have to live under the World Government's tyranny again! We've kept tabs on the rest of the world, of course, wouldn't do to become estranged from our roots, but the fact remains that you guys are some of the _very_ few people in the word who can claim to know about our existence!"

"Wooow..." Luffy breathed in awe.

Zoro, however, was far less impressed. "And what does all this have to do with anything?" He asked in a bored tone of voice.

I raised my hands in surrender. "Well... the fact is, for all we've kept up on current events and whatnot... we don't _really_ have a lot of first hand information. People rarely go down to the ocean. But..." My eyes took on a slightly wistful dream as I stared into the distance. "We do... have stories. Stories about wonderful islands far beyond the imagination, of sights more beautiful than anything ever seen before... a literal _ocean_ of possibilities."

I chuckled lightly as I came back down to earth. "I've... never been satisfied with those stories, you know? I've... I've always wanted... _more._ " I snapped my fists up as I grinned, a true and honest smile. "My dream... is to _explore_ the ocean I've heard so much about! I want to experience those wonders for myself! I want to see those beautiful sights! I want to visit those islands, see everything that they have to offer!"

The crew stared at me with slightly eager expressions, a new look of evaluation in their eyes as they took me in.

As my moxy slowly flowed out of my, I grinned sheepishly and scratched the back of my head. "In order to accomplish that goal, I left Florida and came down here, into the East Blue. I was sailing around on a passenger ship when a particularly nasty Sea King attacked. I fell overboard in the middle of all the chaos, wound up washing ashore and, well..." I clapped my hands together and spread them wide. "Here we are!"

"Anyways... how does this all matter, you might ask? Well..." I chuckled as I smiled happily at Luffy. "You say you're going to the Grand Line. You say you're going to be King of the Pirates. You say you're going to have the greatest adventure of our entire generation. And before all that... you asked me if I wanted to join your crew. Am I right?"

Luffy nodded eagerly in agreement, excitement radiating from his being.

I glanced at Soundbite with a smile, which he returned with a smirk, before I looked back at Luffy. "Well in that case, how the heck could I possibly say no?"

" _We're in,_ **BABY!"** Soundbite whooped.

Luffy's reaction was instantaneous as he flung his arms into the air with a shout of joy. "WOOHOO! WE'VE GOT A NEW CREWMATE!" he hollered, swiftly entrapping me in a one-armed hug.

As if on cue, the rest of the crew let out tired groans.

"That's our captain, always reckless..." Nami groused, the heel of her palm that she was grinding into her forehead doing nothing to hide her grin.

"Yeah, but it wouldn't be Luffy any other way, would it?" Sanji chuckled melancholically as he puffed on his cigarette.

Usopp muttered something under his breath before pointing at Soundbite. "You're alright, Cross, but that snail of yours had better watch his back!"

Soundbite's smirk took on a predatory overtone as he met Usopp's gaze. **"Bring it** , biotch!"

Zoro rolled his eyes at his crew's antics with a scoff before jerking his thumb over his shoulder. "Alright, enough fun and games. It's getting late, might as well head back to the Merry. Fair warning, Cross, you're going to want to brace your stomach. The shit-cook's food-!"

SLAM!

Zoro blocked a kick from the blond cook with Wado Ichimonji's sheath.

"Watch your damn mouth, you crap-GRGH!" Sanji cut himself off as both he and Zoro suddenly doubled over, twitching in pain.

I blinked in surprise, though I suspected I knew what the problem was. "Are... they alright?"

Nami growled darkly under her breath as she glared at the pair. "Nothing important. Just a couple of morons forgetting that they were in a _life and death struggle a week ago!"_ she snapped at them.

"Ouch." I winced. "My deepest of sympathies." I meant it, too. Arlong might have been half-way decently justified, but he was still a sadistic fuck, and Mihawk hadn't done Zoro any favors either.

"Psh!" Zoro scoffed as he righted himself, albeit with minor tremors racking his body. "What, this? This is nothing."

Nami stared at him with a decidedly unimpressed expression for a second before jabbing him straight in his chest. The swordsman's face immediately twisted in a grimace as he barely managed to suck in a grunt of pain.

The navigator scowled and rolled her eyes at the green-haired man's show of machismo before addressing me, adopting a pleasant facial expression with unnerving ease. "Anyways... I think it's high time we were introduced." She held her hand out. "I'm Nami, our - and now your, I suppose - crew's navigator."

I smiled politely as I shook her hand. "Cross, Jeremiah Cross. It's nice to meet you, Nami. I look forward to sailing with you."

Nami nodded politely before scowling over her shoulder. "As for everyone else, Moron the First," she jabbed her thumb at Zoro, who flipped her off in response. "Is Roronoa Zoro, while Moron the Second," she indicated the blond cook, who flipped from snarling at Zoro to preening with hearts in his eyes, "Is Sanji. He's Usopp," she pointed at the long-nosed sniper, who didn't break his staring contest with Soundbite before waving her hand at Luffy. "And you've already met Monkey D. Luffy, our fearless-to-a-fault captain."

I smiled and raised a hand in greeting. "Pleased to meet you all, I hope we can all become good friends," I then proceeded to adopt a plaintive expression. "And please, for the love of god, don't blame me for whatever shit Soundbite pulls. He's my partner, not my pet. I only _wish_ I had a more reliable degree of control over him."

" _Honk!"_

Usopp jolted in panic as a car horn seemed to blare directly behind his head before scowling at the seemingly ever-hysterical culprit perched on my shoulder.

"For the record, so long as it doesn't incapacitate, maim or kill him, he's fair game in terms of retribution." I deadpanned.

" _Trai_ **TOR!"** Soundbite barked as he shot a glare at me.

" _Bite me."_ I growled.

Through it all, Luffy all but broke down in hysterics. "You guys are _hilarious!"_ he wheezed.

While the sniper and navigator turned on our captain under the watchful eyes of our cook and swordsman, I heaved a heavy internal sigh.

Well... looked like that was that.

I was officially, now and forever, a Straw Hat Pirate.

Now... I could only _hope_ things would be smooth sailing from here.

**-o-**

I let out a rapturous moan as I savored the meat I was chewing on. Oh yeah, _definitely_ smooth sailing.

"Th'nk- _ulp-_ you!" I managed to get out as I chewed and swallowed, eagerly cutting into another slice of sausage. "This is legitimately, _legitimately_ delicious! Thank you _so_ much!"

"Mmhmm!" Soundbite murmured in agreement as he chowed down on a bowl of oats that had been provided to him.

Sanji chuckled in appreciation as he watched us gorge ourselves. "It's no problem. It _is_ my job after all; I'd be a joke of a chef if I couldn't satisfy my diners. Though, fair warning-!"

_THUNK!_

Both Sanji and Luffy froze in surprise as I buried my knife in the table, an inch from the rubber-man's slowly creeping fingers. I slowly turned my head to stare at my captain, my face completely devoid of emotion.

"Luffy." I stated frigidly. "I have been subsisting on roots, nuts, berries, fruits and 'shrooms for the past. Fourteen. Days. If you even so much as _attempt_ to touch the first sizable amount of protein I've had in two weeks, I will set a global land-speed record for _mutiny._ In short, remove your hand _or I will remove it for you."_

Silence fell on the Merry's meager dining room as the rest of the crew stared at me in shock. Slowly, Luffy withdrew his limb, although, worryingly enough, his gaze never swayed from my plate.

Finally, Sanji took a contemplative tug from his cigarette. "Well. That was a first."

"The first time someone's reacted to his antics like that, or the first time he's actually listened?" I queried before putting the rest of my sausage in my mouth.

Sanji's smirk widened slightly. "Yes."

I jerked as a heavy hand fell on my shoulder, prompting me to look up at Zoro as he grinned at me. "You'll fit in just fine, kid."

I shot him a flat frown. "'or t'e 'ecord..." I swallowed the bite in my mouth. "I'm _eighteen."_

Zoro's grin turned into an uneven smirk. "Whatever you say, _brat."_

I stared at him for a second before sweeping my gaze over the rest of the crew. "This-this is going to be a thing, isn't it? I am _never_ going to shake that, am I?"

Luffy, Usopp, Nami and - much to my exasperation - _Soundbite's_ reactions were to smile at me knowingly.

I sighed and rolled my eyes as I jabbed my fork into my plate. "Perfect," I muttered good-humoredly, shoving a large serving of food into my mouth and swallowing it swiftly. "Just, freaking, _perf-!"_

I promptly froze as my mind caught up with my tastebuds. "Uh oh..."

Soundbite's smile expanded exponentially as he snapped his gaze to me. "Dun _dun_ _ **dun!"**_

Luffy blinked in confusion. "Huh? What's wrong?"

With an immense amount of trepidation, I turned my gaze down towards my plate. My eyes settled on the object I logically _knew_ I would see, staring at it as though it were a live bomb. Which, to me, it might as well have been.

"Is that a biscuit?" I asked miserably.

Sanji blinked at me in confusion. "Uh... yeah? Why, what does that matter?"

In response, my stomach roared like a small Sea King, causing my face to take on a no-doubt-unhealthy tone of gray. "That's why." I whimpered. I snapped my attention over to Nami. "Which way to the head?"

"Uh..." Nami blinked as she was caught flat-footed before hastily rallying her wits. "The deck below us. Go down the stairs, through the door and it's straight-!"

I didn't wait for her to finish, instead hastily shoving my way out from around the table and out through the kitchen's door. I vaulted over the railing, landed on the deck below and shouldered my way through both doors before leaping on the porcelain god I was about to become _far_ too intimate with.

And thus was my first half hour on the Going Merry spent in intestinal agony, haunted by Soundbite's ever-present and ever-aggravating mirth.


	3. Chapter 3

### Chapter 3: A Decent Marine! The Seeds Of Doubt Are Planted!

### Chapter Text

"Come on, what was it? The flour, the milk, the—?"

"I don't know, alright?!" I snapped irritably, sending a caustic glare at Sanji. "I'm not lactose or gluten intolerant, I drink milk and eat bread without worry! And really, I think that biscuits taste delicious, but whenever they go down my throat, all that comes out is..." I shuddered in horror. "Yeah... anyways, it's just biscuits that's the issue, alright? Can't you just drop it already?"

Sanji blew out a cloud of smoke with an irritated huff as he returned my glare. "Not a chance. I'm this ship's cook, so I need to account for everyone's dietary needs. It's my job to make sure that that doesn't happen again!"

"It won't happen again so long as I don't eat biscuits!" I threw my hands up in exasperation. "Anyways, don't you have a dessert to work on for 'Nami-swan'?"

Sanji growled in aggravation as he debated with his priorities for a moment before turning back to his kitchen. "This isn't over, crap bum."

I rolled my eyes in response, shifting around in an effort to get comfortable on the sack of rice I was sitting on, refocusing on my book.

I'd been sailing on the Going Merry with the Straw Hat pirates for somewhere around a week now, and my life was... actually going smoother than that conversation implied. Sure, Sanji got on my case every now and then in order to get to the bottom of whatever it was that hadn't sat well with me, but other than that both he and his food were great. Zoro mainly watched me out of the corner of his eye and didn't bother me so long as I didn't bother him, Nami gave me a crash course in how to help with handling the ship, Usopp was eager to share any number of stories, real or otherwise, and Luffy... well, Luffy was Luffy, nothing more to say on that matter.

Soundbite seemed to be enjoying himself as well, if the genuine, as opposed to mocking, laughter he was constantly bellowing out was anything to go by. Of course, that wasn't to say that he'd mellowed out, by any stretch of the imagination. No, if anything he was well and truly reveling in his expanded array of available targets for his pranking. I'd already befallen retribution from half of the crew for Soundbite's very loud and very early wake up calls, though thankfully Usopp had kept his vengeance limited to the snail himself instead of me, albeit with limited results.

I'd had a bit of sea-sickness at first, but I'd gotten over it quickly on account of the fact that my grandfather lived on a boat and that I'd stayed on it with him every summer. All in all, it was a pretty nice experience.

"And get your shitty shoes off the food!"

Alright, 95% percent nice, but you take the good with the bad.

I shot another irritated glare at him, but complied nonetheless, shifting my feet off the sack I'd been propping them up on. I slipped my earphones up over my ears...

" _GAH!"_ I yelped in pain, snapping them off in order to escape the barrage of heavy metal riffs that had blindsided me. I panted heavily in shock for a second before growling and rapping my fist on the shell that was hanging onto the side of a nearby barrel. "I said country _,_ not _punk metal!"_ I hissed irritably.

A small cacophony of giggles wafted out of Soundbite's shell in response. Thankfully, however, he chose to comply, allowing me to sag in relief as a calm strumming came out of my headset, rather than harsh screaming.

Satisfied, I slid my headphones back on, settled in, and resumed my reading.

I was currently perusing a respectably thick volume that contained a summary of the history of the Blue Seas. I'd borrowed it from Usopp, who'd apparently brought it onboard alongside everything he'd ever owned. I'll be honest: history wasn't usually my cup of tea, and sure, the contents were propaganda-rifficly skewed in favor of the World Government and Marines, almost sickeningly so, but it was _definitely_ interesting. The sheer amount of influence that pirates had had on the Blues' society was... staggering, to say the least. Nations had literally risen and fallen on the whims of the stronger individuals who flew the Jolly Roger, and Paradise and the New World were described as though they were on a different world entirely.

I was midway into the history of the Marine presence in the West Blue...

" _EEEEH!"_

"SONNUVA— _SOUNDBITE!"_ I howled, whipping my headphones off as the music was suddenly replaced with a loud buzzer. I snapped a furious glare at the snail. "What the hell was that—!... for?" I blinked as I noticed that the snail was missing. "The hell—?"

"Ahem."

I looked up in confusion and promptly withered under the caustic glare Nami was directing at me, Soundbite snickering in the palm of her hand.

"Ah... aheh..." I chuckled as I scratched the back of my head sheepishly. "Have you been... standing there long?"

"A full minute trying to get your attention," Nami deadpanned as she tossed Soundbite into my lap. "Be happy Soundbite was so happy to help, otherwise I'd have sicked Sanji on you."

I swallowed heavily as I eyed the cook who was, thankfully, too engrossed in his craft to notice our exchange. "Duly noted. It won't happen again."

Soundbite imitated a whipcrack noise with a snicker.

He would have done more, but I promptly crammed him back into his shell. "Yeah yeah, I get the idea..." I scowled at him before looking up at the navigator. "Anyways, what did you need?"

Nami frowned irritably, though thankfully her ire didn't appear directed at me. "Have you seen Zoro, Usopp, and Luffy? I can't find them anywhere and I need to talk to everyone."

My eyebrows promptly shot up in disbelief. " _You_ can't find those three on a ship this small?" I asked in surprise.

" _Ir_ **on** IC!" Soundbite scoffed, shooting a cocky smirk at Nami.

I momentarily contented myself with the annoyed look on Nami's face before shivering as I was hit by a particularly malevolent wave of killing intent that came from the kitchen."I-I-I mean—! I'm sure there's a _completely_ legitimate reason, of course!" I grinned nervously as I simpered and shrank before the navigator, sighing in relief as the aura receded.

Soundbite whistled out another whipcrack with a laugh.

I shot a glare down at the snail. "Care to speak up, _escargot?"_

Thankfully, the threat of Sanji's frying pan served as an effective deterrent against the baby transponder snail's sense of humor, prompting him to snap his mouth shut instantly with a terrified expression.

"Yeah, I didn't think so."

Meanwhile, Nami had heaved a sigh and was kneading her forehead in exasperation. "Believe me, I know the Merry is small, but the fact is that those three are... special... to say the least. They can sniff out the most _ridiculous_ corners to stick themselves in..." She shook her head and threw her hands up in defeat. "You know what? Forget it. Just... tell them to come here and wait for me if you see them, alright?"

I almost instantly felt a pang of guilt for my attitude. After all, I'd seen first hand that Nami worked hard: she was constantly scouring the sky and ocean for signs of the weather, she consistently checked over maps and made certain of our heading, fought tooth and nail to keep Luffy from sinking the Merry— _that_ was a hands on job, believe me...

"Ah, hang on!" I got to my feet hastily, scooping Soundbite onto my shoulder. "You don't need to look for them, I can get them here in a jiffy."

Sanji and Nami looked at me in surprise. "Seriously?" Nami asked, a skeptical tone in her voice. "How?"

I shrugged and walked over to the table. "Easy, really." I plucked Soundbite off my shoulder and put him on the tabletop with one hand and slid my earphones on with the other. I then tapped the snail on top of his shell. "Amp me." 

Soundbite gave me a dark leer. " _What's_ **THE** magic—?"

I rolled my eyes with a sigh. " _Please."_

Soundbite concentrated slightly before letting out a tinny, electric whine. " _You are on the air!"_ he crowed, his voice echoing slightly as though it were coming from a speaker.

I clamped my hands down over my headphones. " **Luffy, Usopp, Zoro!"** I called out, causing Nami and Sanji to jump in shock as my voice rang out over the ship at a volume that made it sound like the voice of God Himself.

"The _heck!?"_ Nami sputtered.

I covered my headphone's mic with my hand as I smiled back at Nami. "I told you that Soundbite's voice-swap thing was only a parlor trick." I then put my hand back down and focused on the snail. " **Nami wants to tell us something. Get your asses in the meeting room, now. Over and out."** I jerked my hand across my neck and Soundbite let out a sigh of relief.

Barely even a few seconds later the door to the meeting room burst inwards as Luffy and Usopp rushed me, with Zoro following them in at a more sedate pace.

"Hey, Cross, was that you just now?" Luffy asked me eagerly.

"Yeah, and that damn snail?" Usopp snarled, shoving his face as close to Soundbite as could without getting a fresh set of bite marks on his nose, a threat that Soundbite was literally chomping at the bit to fulfill.

I sighed and rolled my eyes in long-suffering exasperation. "What did he do now?"

"Your voice came out of the toilet!"

I blinked before letting out a snort and clamping my hand over my mouth. "A-alright, that's _weird,_ but you've gotta admit, that _does_ sound pretty damn funny."

" _While I was using it!?"_

I promptly shot a scowl at my cackling snail. "Soundbite!"

" _ **Clean-up**_ **on** AISLE THREE!" he snorted gleefully.

"You'd _better_ have cleaned up!" Nami growled, murder in her eyes, causing Usopp to shrink back with a whimper of terror.

Soundbite laughed and produced a flurry of whipcracks... until a familiar shaking sound came from behind him, prompting him to slowly look behind him, eyes wide in naked terror.

Sanji smiled darkly as he held the salt shaker. "Oh, don't mind me, just contemplating what to make Nami-swan for dinner." He gave it another shake, just to emphasize the point.

Soundbite promptly let out a yelp of terror and jerked back into his shell.

I gave Sanji a half-grateful, half-irritated look as I placed the shivering gastropod on my shoulder. "Thanks for shutting him up, but to reiterate, if you ever fry him, I'll fry you, capiche?"

Sanji rolled his eyes as he flipped the salt shaker away. "That all depends on him."

Soundbite popped his eyes out, both glaring at the cook. " **Screw** _you."_

I rolled my eyes and was about to comment on the little clash when Nami raised her hand and spoke up. "Ah, excuse me, but..." She pointed at Soundbite. "This never came up before... but what exactly is the range of Soundbite's power?"

I shrugged helplessly. "I've never been that good with distances, and we never got anything concrete on the island, but... I'd say _maybe_ somewhere like a quarter of a mile? He can hear anything in that range easy, and with a little effort, he can cause sounds anywhere within it as well. Worst thing he gets from it is a sore throat, and considering how he's a transponder snail, even if just a baby, I doubt there's much risk of that."

"NOPE _NOPE **NOPE!"**_ Soundbite crowed eagerly.

Nami blinked as she stared at Soundbite in shock before she finally managed to speak. "That's... actually _incredibly_ useful. I mean, you just called the whole ship together in seconds without even moving. I can name a dozen different crews that would _kill_ for something like that. Not to mention—!"

"The eavesdropping potential?" I asked with a raised eyebrow. "Yeah, already thought of that. I'm actually going to try and get him kitted out with formal transponder snail gear as soon as I can. With any luck, it could really help him with his powers."

" **We can rebuild him. We have the technology!"** Soundbite concurred eagerly.

Nami pondered this for a second before looking at our captain. "Hey, Luffy... why not make Cross and Soundbite our communications officers?"

Luffy blinked and tilted his head in confusion. "Eh? What's that?"

"That would be a person in charge of helping the entire crew communicate with one another, right?" I guessed.

Nami nodded in agreement. "Exactly."

Zoro scoffed slightly. "Seems a bit redundant, considering how there's only six of us."

" _ **OI!"**_

"Fine, seven, sheesh. My point still stands, though."

"Yeah, seven of us _now,_ maybe. But as our captain demonstrated recently—" Nami jabbed her thumbs at me and Luffy. "We're liable to pick up more crewmates in the future. Plus, with Soundbite's volume, he could get messages out to everyone when things are really loud. Like, say, during the middle of a battle or a storm. Easier than trying to shout over the wind at any rate. And of course, transponder snails are really useful for keeping everyone connected... hm... now that I think about it..." Nami mused as she bowed her head in thought for a second before snapping back to the moment. "A-Anyways, a comms officer would be really useful."

I considered her argument for a second before shrugging in agreement. "I'm all for it if you'll have me, captain."

Luffy tilted his head in thought for a few seconds before grinning enthusiastically. "Alright! Sounds good!" He shot me a thumbs-up. "From now on, Cross will be our ship's Commie!"

I barely caught myself from dropping my jaw in pure, naked horror. Soundbite, on the other hand, had no such compunctions, laughing as loud and as hard as he could.

Usopp stared at Soundbite in confusion. "Uh... does he have a reason to be laughing like an idiot?" His expression darkened instantly. "Beyond just being a slimy little shit I mean."

Soundbite responded by blowing a raspberry at the sniper.

"Inside joke that I will take to my grave," I ground out.

"Shishishishi!" Luffy chuckled as he scratched the back of his head. "Well, you'll be doing whatever it is that a Commie does, alright Cross?"

I grumbled mutinously as Soundbite's laughter redoubled. " _Da, Kapitan..."_

"As momentous as this is," Zoro drawled out, drawing out the word. "Was there a reason that you called us all together?"

Nami jerked as her train of thought was brought back on track. "Oh, right! I wanted to talk to you guys about the next island we're going to."

I perked up instantly as I caught on to what she was talking about. "I think I can guess," I whispered reverently. "It's one of the main reasons I decided to come down to the East Blue in the first place."

The navigator smiled and nodded in agreement. "Not surprising. It's a popular town known the world over." She met each and every crewmates' gaze in turn. "It's the last island we'll set foot on in the East Blue. Logue Town. The town of the Beginning and the End."

Sanji, Usopp, and Zoro stiffened immediately, likely from the same thrill of excitement that had shot through me a few seconds prior, while Luffy merely looked confused.

Unsurprised by her captain's reaction, Nami seamlessly segued into an explanation. "It's called that because it's the town where Gold Roger, the King of the Pirates, was born... and executed."

_That_ prompted Luffy to sit up, his expression blank for a second before turning solemn.

Nami smiled in return. "It'll be our last chance to resupply before entering the Grand Line. So... what do you say, captain? Want to go there?"

The fire that lit in Luffy's eyes was answer enough.

**-o-**

" _Hooooly_ shit..." I breathed in awe as I took in the arch before me. "This place is huge!"

And I was right, too. There was no better word for the Town of the Beginning and the End than gargantuan. The architecture and crowds reminded me of Paris, save that instead of the buildings being aged or in the process of being renewed, these were absolutely pristine. As for the mass of people and sound around me, I actually found them to be rather comforting. It was nice to finally hear _people,_ as opposed to just the sounds of the ocean or the jungle.

It was especially comforting to notice that a lot of the mannerisms of the people around me were familiar enough to read. Nothing outstanding, nothing that immediately caught my attention, which thankfully meant that the cultural influence was more Western-influenced than eastern. Small mercies to Oda for creating (or depicting) a culture that didn't share Japan's. If I had to wrap my head around the usage of suffixes in names, I'd throw myself in the ocean. It also helped that there were enough fashion styles that I didn't particularly stand out, and the climate wasn't hot enough to make my jacket uncomfortable.

Soundbite was as eager as I was to be in the midst of civilization, if not moreso. His eyes were on separate swivels as he scanned the crowd, spouting out snippets of sound and conversation at random as he picked up a veritable arsenal of words and voices. More than a few promised potential headaches in the future.

"So this is where the Age of Pirates began..." Sanji whistled in awe.

The rest of the crew and I nodded as we stood before the entrance to the town proper, taking in the sights with a profound sense of awe.

Luffy huffed and nodded with determination. "Right! I'm going to see the place where they kill people!"

"I bet I can get some good ingredients here..." Sanji mused to himself.

"And I'll see if I can find some equipment!" Usopp concurred.

Zoro grit his teeth slightly as he cast a sidelong glance at Nami. "There's something I want to buy too."

Nami adopted a truly evil expression as she returned the swordsman's look. "And I'll happily pay for it..." Her smile became downright vicious. "At 300% interest."

Zoro growled and ground his teeth in aggravation. "Damn witch..."

I sighed and patted the swordsman on the shoulder comfortingly. "Look on the bright side: I'm as broke as you, and seeing how I need a new wardrobe—"

Soundbite took a whiff of my jacket and flinched away with a grimace. " _PEE-_ **yew!"**

"And _he—"_ I jabbed my thumb at the slimy devil on my shoulder. "Needs a Transponder Snail rig, I need cash. Hence, we're both going to be in the hole."

"How comforting."

"Actually, about that..." Nami turned and tossed rolls of cash at Zoro and I. To my surprise, mine was a fair bit fatter than the swordsman's. "Zoro, you've got one hundred thousand beri to buy your swords. Cross, three hundred."

The whole crew reeled in shock at this. Nami giving up so much as one hundred thousand was momentous enough already, but _four hundred!?_

"Uh... are you feeling alright?" Usopp asked slowly.

"N-Nami-swan!?" Sanji stammered in concern. 

"What the hell, witch!?" Zoro demanded fiercely.

"OH, SHUT THE HELL UP!" Nami raged fiercely at them.

"Nami..." I attempted to wrap my head around this... this _madness._ "I don't know how much you usually spend on your wardrobe, but—!"

"Cross, _I'll_ be buying your clothes," she cut me off, giving me a quick look up and down. "Dark colors, grays and blacks primarily, heavy jackets and cargo pants?"

I blinked at the accuracy with which she summarized my preferred wardrobe choices. "Uh... I'm also partial to brown and white and I like hoods and pockets, plain or camo patterns are preferable, but... wait, why would you—?"

"Two reasons. First," Nami primly held up a finger. "You're a man, and as such your fashion taste can be summarized as being questionable, at best."

I winced slightly. "Harsh but fair... on second thought, true. Very true."

"And second," she held up a second finger before pointing at the cash, "That's not for you, that's for me. You're already going somewhere where I want to make some purchases, so you're going to buy them for me while you're there."

I paused as I tried to comprehend where she was going with this before the sound of birds suddenly chirping in my ear made the connection for me. "You want me to buy _Transponder Snails_ for you?!" I blurted in disbelief.

" _ **WHAT!?"**_ Soundbite roared in over a dozen furious voices, glaring and snarling at Nami.

"Oh, calm down!" Nami scolded, rapping her fist on the snail's head. "We're not replacing you or anything, that's impossible considering how you have a Devil Fruit. No, it's just... it's just in case, alright? So that the crew can stay connected even when we're spread out over an island." She refocused on me. "I want you to buy some Baby Transponder Snails, enough for the whole crew. You'll be taking care of them, feeding them, making sure they're healthy... that sound alright with you, captain?" She waited for a response.

When none was forthcoming, she turned to look at him. "Luf— _WHERE THE HELL IS LUFFY!?"_ she shrieked in outrage when she realized that the rubber-man was nowhere in sight.

Zoro jerked his thumb at the street. "He ran off that way a minute ago."

Nami growled furiously as she stared after him, her face slowly flushing with anger. "That... _stupid—!"_

"Hey!" I hastily piped up. "I'll go after him! Make sure that he's safe and that he keeps out of trouble! Who knows, I might even run into the Transponder Snail shop on the way! That sound good to you?"

Thankfully, our navigator managed to slowly calm herself down. "That's... that's... fine. Fine! Go! Catch up to him!" She swung her arms out. "Go, all of you! We'll meet back at the Merry by sundown. Just do me a favor and keep out of trouble, alright?"

" _No_ **prom** ISES!" Soundbite crowed as I ran after Luffy.

" _I WILL_ EAT _YOU ONE DAY, YOU LITTLE SLUG!"_ Nami roared in reply.

"I'll let her, too," I warned the snickering Transponder Snail.

"Promises, **promises."**

For a few minutes, I managed to follow Luffy's trail by asking passersby whether or not they'd seen a kid wearing a straw hat, but I eventually got nothing but blank stares. Soundbite was able to give me directionality now and then via snippets of Luffy speaking up, but he couldn't do jack about the veritable labyrinth I was in.

I groaned and scratched the back of my head in annoyance as I strolled down a random street that was heading in the general direction that Luffy was in. "Well, crap... how the hell am I supposed to find him now?"

" _Second star on the right_ AND STRAIGHT ON TILL MORNING!" Soundbite offered.

"Somehow, I don't think that works in real life." I stared at him flatly before sighing and tilting my head back. "Damn it... Nami's going to _kill—!"_

"Whee!"

"Gah!" I cried out suddenly as I staggered out of the way of a small girl as she almost ran into me from out of nowhere. "Watch it, kid!"

"Sorry about that," a man said apologetically as he passed by me. "My little girl really loves her ice cream, and it's the first time I've let her get three scoops."

"Nah, nah, it's no problem," I assured him. "I should have watched where I was going. Have a nice day!" And with that I kept going, licking my lips slightly as I suddenly noticed my hunger. Now that I thought about it, some ice cream would go down great right now. Though I doubted I'd ever be able to down three full-sized—!

I almost face-planted as I froze in shock and horror. _THREE SCOOPS!? FUCK ME!_

Before I could so much as move, the crowd around me froze as everyone seemed to simultaneously gasp in terror. Slowly, dreading what I knew I would see, I turned around... and stared.

Big.

There were a lot of other words that could be used to describe Smoker, but 'big' was the one that stuck out at me. Which, in my opinion, was very reasonable, considering how the marine was a _freaking giant,_ towering almost a full head over most of the crowd. Of course, one also had to account for the fact that he was built like an ox and had a face that looked like it belonged on a bulldog... or a Sea King. And he was focused on a terrified little girl and the newly formed stains on his pants.

However, as I scanned the crowd, I couldn't help but shiver at the expressions people were wearing: horror, foreboding, anticipation...

' _They really think that he's going to hurt her.'_ I thought numbly. ' _Despite everything he's done for them, all the pirates he's captured, how he really is... they're all legitimately petrified.'_

The implications were... disturbing, to say the least.

Finally, Smoker moved, placing his hand on the girl's head and kneeling down... before proffering a hand full of beri coins. "I'm sorry," he growled, his voice as raspy as granite on granite. "My pants ate up all your ice cream. Here, go and buy five scoops."

The girl blinked up at the captain in stunned awe as she took the money. "Th-Thank you, mister."

The girl's father was quick to grab her by her shoulders and hold her close. "Th-Thank you so much, Captain Smoker. I'm so sorry, I'll make sure this doesn't happen again."

"Make sure it doesn't," Smoker ordered firmly. "Not everyone's dry cleaning is paid for by the World Government."

"Y-Yes, sir!" The father nodded hastily in agreement.

"Good." He then gestured at the soldier who was following him. "Let's go."

I promptly froze in place as the Marines marched not only towards me but _by_ me, Smoker coming within feet of me without sparing me so much as a glance.

I slowly turned on my heel and watched them get a few yards away... before starting to follow them myself.

" _Dafuq you doin' man!?"_ Soundbite hissed in terror.

"The local Marine _captain_ is marching through the town in broad daylight," I hissed back. "Who the hell do you _think_ could earn that kind of response?"

Soundbite blinked in thought for a moment before smirking. " **That moron!"** he cackled in Nami's voice.

"Tell me about it..." I sighed wearily, resigning myself to shadowing the strongest Marine in the East Blue, bar Garp popping in for a family reunion.

Finally, after a few minutes of walking, we wound up on... the docks? Where a bunch of two-bit pirates was raising holy hell!? What the heck was—!? I promptly slapped my forehead in realization. The Loguetown filler episodes, of course. So anime, _not_ manga. Or quite possibly a fusion of the two.

Well, that threatened to wreak holy hell on my knowledge of the future, but hopefully, it wouldn't be too bad.

Nevertheless, I allowed myself to relax significantly. Thankfully, in the filler episodes, Smoker hadn't seen Luffy's bounty poster before coming out to deal with these clods, so as far as he was concerned, my crewmates and I were free and clear.

Which was _beyond_ good for me, considering how Smoker promptly engulfed the pirates in a cloud of smoke and beat them within an inch of their life in three seconds flat.

I swallowed heavily at the display. A talking snail and a rubber-man were one thing, but that? That was just downright disturbing.

Soundbite shivered heavily on my shoulder. " **Scary..."** He whispered nervously.

"Tell me about it..." I muttered back in reply, glancing around cautiously. Wouldn't do to get surprised now of all times.

"Hey, Cross!"

"YERK!" I jumped in shock, reeling back as Luffy seemed to pop out of nowhere in front of me. "L— _Captain!"_ I swiftly caught myself. "Where the hell did you come from?!"

"Heh, I got lost!" Luffy chuckled as he rubbed his finger under his nose. "That guy gave me directions though!" He jabbed his thumb back at Smoker, which allowed me to notice the trail of smoke that led straight over me. "I'm gonna go see the execution platform! Wanna come?"

I considered it for a moment before shaking my head. "Sorry, I've got some business to run for Nami. I'll check it out later though. Have fun!"

"Shishishi! Alright! See ya!" Luffy waved as he ran to follow the smoke.

"Make sure you're back on the Merry by sundown!" I called after him.

"Got it!" he called back before disappearing around the corner.

I rolled my eyes as I listened to his footsteps fade into the distance. "He's a real piece of work..." I chuckled.

"Yes, he is, isn't he?"

My spine promptly went ramrod straight as a blood-chilling voice rumbled behind me. "Meep."

Soundbite swallowed heavily in agreement.

"Turn around."

Slowly, shakily, I turned around and stared up at the marine captain in terror. "Is there a problem, officer?" I asked meekly.

Smoker blew a cloud of smoke that put anything Sanji could manage to shame as he stared down at me. "You've been following me for the past thirteen minutes. Why?"

For a few seconds, I briefly contemplated either bolting or just flat out breaking down. Then... I blinked as I felt something. It was like a... bubbling sensation in my gut. It felt like my stomach was boiling over, but... it wasn't unpleasant. It was actually... nice. Invigorating, actually.

Riding on the high of the sensation, I came to a decision. It was, by a lot of accounts, a _stupid_ decision... but hey, what the hell? I was in One Piece! And as they say, when in Rome...

Taking a deep breath, I steeled my back and forced myself to look Smoker in the eye. "I was curious, sir. I wanted to observe something I'd thought was a myth until now."

Smoker cocked an eyebrow in flat curiosity. "Oh, yeah? And what would that be?"

I clenched my fist firmly as I held Smoker's gaze. "A decent Marine."

The onlooking Marine soldier tensed furiously as he glared at me, but Smoker's reaction was far more volatile, his jaws clenching down on his cigars almost hard enough to bite clean through. "Would you care to qualify that statement?" he growled.

I hissed slightly as the bubbling sensation redoubled, causing my blood to race. I briefly considered outright answering for a second before an idea struck me, causing the bubbling to increase a bit more and putting a small grin on my face. "Actually... I've got a question of my own." I pointed up at Soundbite. "Do you know any shops that sell Transponder Snails? This little guy is wild, and I want to get him a rig."

Soundbite glanced at me in disbelief before recovering his nerve and smirking at the captain. " _Howdy!"_

To the snail's credit, he barely flinched as Smoker flicked a cold glare at him before refocusing on me. "I know where one is. What of it?"

My gut frothed with exhilaration as I out and out smirked up at him. "I propose a trade: you show me where the snail shop is, and in return I'll tell you what I meant. Sound fair?"

Smoker fumed for a moment, both figuratively and literally, before whipping his glare at his accompanying. "Petty Officer!"

The Marine in question hastily snapped into a salute. "Y-Yes, sir!?"

"Have the men patrol the docks. Keep your eyes peeled for Monkey D. Luffy."

I caught myself before I could glance at Soundbite, and judging by the fact that neither Smoker or his soldier pounced on me, so did he.

"B-But sir!" the petty officer stammered. "What about—?"

"You have your orders, soldier."

"Y-Yes, sir!" the Marine yelped in agreement before swiftly taking off.

I eyed the Marine warily as he marched off, flatly returning his caustic glare before refocusing on Smoker. "Shall we?" I asked innocently.

Smoker snorted before turning around and stomping down the docks. "Walk and talk," he ordered.

I shrugged slightly as I complied, speeding up my pace slightly to keep up with the large man. "Where do you want me to start?"

"Your general opinion of the Marines." There was no room for compromise in his tone.

I thought over my response for a moment before holding up my hands with a sigh. "Not a lot to say, really. The Navy is an unscrupulous, morally corrupt military organization that is feared by civilians the world over. Simple as that."

Smoker glared down at me as he blew out a particularly nasty-looking cloud. "That's what you think of us?"

"No..." I drawled as I looked up at him coolly. "It's a legitimate fact. One that you proved earlier."

Smoker snorted furiously, his gaze hardening even further. "I didn't hurt that girl and you know it."

"You didn't have to," I replied frigidly. "That girl, her father, and _everyone who saw you_ was scared. Not of you, not of your powers, but of your uniform. Of what you represent. The only difference between you and those pirates you arrested?" I jerked my thumb over my shoulder, "You're well-funded. You're organized. There's more of you than there are of them. And you're _always there._ And if the civilians try to stand up and get rid of you, then the World Government will crush them like ants."

"This argument is starting to sound familiar..." Smoker narrowed his eyes menacingly.

I snorted and looked forwards defiantly. "I'm no Revolutionary, but I'm not an idiot either. I keep up with the maps. Islands disappear, never to be heard from again. The World Nobles are allowed to run roughshod over the rules that their so-called bloodlines established. Hell, I've heard stories of the Marines hunting down and capturing civilians all because they bear brands. Very _specific_ brands." I tilted my head back and let out a sardonic laugh. "The great and powerful Marines: enforcing the laws they don't follow and protecting civilians from all but themselves."

" **Ooh-** _rah."_ Soundbite spat venomously.

Smoker steamed darkly for a second as he contemplated my words. "I trust you have proof to back up these claims."

"I can give you three." I deadpanned. "Just off the top of my head: Captain Axe-Hand Morgan, who ruled over Shell Town like it was his own little fiefdom until a _pirate_ deposed him; Captain Nezumi of the 16th Branch, whose pockets are _very_ open from what I've heard; and _Admiral_ 'Akainu' Sakazuki, who doesn't give two _shits_ about protecting civilian lives, merely killing all pirates in his path, good and bad alike."

_That_ drew a derisive snort out of Smoker. "Good pirates. _That's_ a myth."

"Now there, I can give you two examples. First," I held up a finger. "I don't know about you, but I'm fairly certain that Whitebeard protecting Fishman Island is a _distinctly_ 'good' thing to do."

"Neither King Neptune nor any noble of the Ryugu Kingdom has asked for support from the Marines, nor has the World Government ordered us to send troops to provide support," Smoker defended swiftly. Too swiftly. It sounded rehearsed. As though he were justifying it to more than just me.

"Oh, I get it!" I piped up in a sickeningly sweet tone of voice. "So the long and short of it is that the Marines won't do their jobs and give a flying fuck until they're ordered to, and the World Government won't order you to, I reiterate, _do your jobs and protect the civilians of a member nation_ , because they couldn't give a crap about pirates and slavers raiding their personal aquarium. How am I doing so far, am I in the ballpark?"

Smoker growled darkly under his breath.

I snorted and rolled my eyes. "You know, I can't see why people call the Warlords 'government dogs'. After all, from what I've seen so far? The Navy is the World Government's _bitch."_

"Didn't you say you had two points?" Smoker spat rather quickly.

I chuckled humorlessly before moving on. "Well, as for the second..." I shot the captain a cocky grin. "You talked to my captain earlier, and he seemed pretty decent, no?"

The captain immediately came to a halt, glaring down at me menacingly.

I looked up at the Marine with a decidedly unimpressed expression. "Including me and the snail, my crew is precisely _seven_ members strong. We haven't looted, plundered or pillaged the entire way here and as far as I can tell they haven't ever hurt any civilians, period. All we're doing is flying a Jolly Roger and stocking up before we go to the Grand Line. But hey!" I held up my wrists with a mock defeated sigh. "None of that matters to you. Doesn't matter to the Marines. Our flag is black, so we _must_ be evil! So, come on! Lock me up! Toss me in Impel Down to be tortured far more cruelly than most pirates could even conceive of! I mean..." I tilted my head to the side curiously. "That _is_ your job, right?"

Smoker stared down at my hands emotionlessly for a second before turning away sharply. "We're here."

I blinked and looked up at the snail-shell-shaped sign hanging above me. "Huh. So we are." I gave Smoker a polite smile. "Well, this has been an invigorating chat. Thanks for your help!"

And with that, I pushed past the captain and into the store, closing the door behind me before promptly collapsing against it.

"Fuuuuuckfuckfuckfuck..." I hissed to myself, my heart pounding furiously in my chest.

" _You_ CRAZY **boi!"** Soundbite snickered with a grin.

"Tell me about it!" I huffed, a grin sliding over my face as I coasted on the elated feeling in my gut. "Worth it though, right?"

" **FAIR** _ENOUGH!"_

"Er, excuse me, sir?"

I looked up to see a headset-wearing man looking at me curiously from over a counter.

"Are you here to purchase anything, or...?" He trailed off uncomfortably.

I coughed self-consciously as I stood up properly, re-adjusting my clothing in the process. "Ahem, I—yes, yes. Sorry about that, just got out of an... _interesting_ conversation."

The man chuckled and nodded in agreement. "Well, we know all about interesting conversations here at Samson's Transponder Snail Shack." He held a hand out. "I'm Samson, nice to meet you."

I smiled and shook his hand in greeting. "I'm Cross, this is Soundbite," I gestured at the snail, who smirked in greeting. "Nice place you've got here."

And it was, too. Though somewhat small, the walls of the shop were lined with shelves filled with snoozing Transponder Snails of varying sizes and colors, with a wide variety of technology and equipment strapped to them. There was also an open crate, within which I could see several dozen baby snails crawling around.

"Heh, thanks," Samson nodded. "So, what brings you around?"

"Well, first and foremost..." I took Soundbite off my shoulder and put him on the counter. "Soundbite here is a wild snail who I wanna outfit with a baby snail rig. Do you offer that service?"

Samson hummed as he eyed Soundbite curiously. "Mind if I...?"

"Oh, no, go ahead!"

"Alright, then..." He picked Soundbite up and started looking him over. "Hm... good color, healthy weight, his shell seems nice and solid... Mmmyeah, he looks like he could take a rig..."

" _Awww, you're making me blush!"_ Soundbite cackled.

"Yeek!" Samson fumbled the snail, barely keeping himself from dropping the gastropod. "What the—!?"

"Devil Fruit," I replied flatly.

"Ah." The man grimaced. "That explains that." He put Soundbite back onto the counter. "Well, I don't know how his powers will interact with the technology, but I think he's viable to get a rig. It _will_ cost you, though."

I shrugged indifferently. "Yeah, that's to be expected. What would you recommend?"

"Hm..." Samson scratched his chin thoughtfully for a second. "Maybe... an Ichabod-Portentia 6S? Latest model off the market. A bit pricey though."

"How much?"

"Twenty-five thousand beri, installment included and upfront."

" _ **Sold!**_ _Sold!"_ Soundbite squealed eagerly, jumping as much as his invertebrate body allowed.

I smiled as I drew out my cash roll and withdrew the appropriate amount of bills. "You heard the snail: sold."

Samson blinked in surprise before taking the money, counting it swiftly before nodding in agreement. "Alright, then!" He held out his hand and allowed Soundbite to crawl on. "It should only take me a few minutes. It's a delicate process, but not too difficult."

" _Once_ **more** UNTO _**the breach!"**_ Soundbite crowed as he was carried into the store's back room.

"You never went there to begin with!" I replied, albeit with a grin.

I was patient for a while, but after a few minutes I wound up tapping my foot impatiently as I waited for the results. I reached down to my pocket to take out a quick form of entertainment... and promptly found myself cursing Soundbite as I patted down my empty pocket.

Finally...

"And here we have him!"

" _ **I'M BACK, BABY!"**_

I jumped as Soundbite's voice blared out around me, prompting me to whip around and whistle as I caught sight of my snail. "Well, damn! You look good!"

And indeed he did. Not only was he wearing a fresh coat of wax on his shell, he had a shiny new transponder speaker poking out of his side and a small pair of headphones latched around his shell.

"He insisted," Samson scratched the back of his head sheepishly.

"No no, it's fine." I waved him off, taking Soundbite from him and weighing him contemplatively. He'd gained a little weight, but nothing truly off-putting. "So, does it work?"

"I was gonna test it out with one of my snails. Just point one out and—"

" _How's this?"_

We both jumped as Nami's voice suddenly came out of nowhere. However, a quick glance downward revealed that Soundbite was wearing a familiarly lascivious smile.

The next instant, he'd swapped it out for a full-toothed cheesy grin. " _You look stunning, milady!"_

Samson jolted in shock and recognition. "Wait, was that—?"

" _And this?"_

" _So elegant, madam!"_

Samson's jaw dropped in shock. "Holy hell, that's Cintre, the cashier of Robecca Hanberg! We're in the Clerk's Union together!"

My jaw dropped open as I made the connection, Soundbite consistently swapping voices between Nami in the clerk. "Wow, that's... well, to be fair, Soundbite _does_ have a hell of a range."

Samson looked at me in disbelief. "This guy can hear things _a mile away!?"_

" _WHAT!?"_ I yelped, staring down at Soundbite in awe.

The snail snickered pridefully as he tilted his head back and preened. " **I can see** _FOREVER!"_

My mind flew as I processed the development before finally reaching a conclusion. "It must be the transponder..." I whispered in awe. "I always thought he could hear so much because of his species, the transponder must be accentuating it even further."

"Hell if I know, man..." Samson breathed as he stared at Soundbite. "Devil Fruits, you know? That there's some crazy shit."

I nodded slowly before a thought struck me, a crazed grin slowly spreading across my face. "And it's about to get even crazier..." I whispered as I slid my headphones over my ears, prompting Soundbite to move the audio from himself to my headset as Nami left the store, driving the clerk to tears in the process. "Hey, Nami, can you hear me?"

A few seconds later, Soundbite adopted a shocked expression, his eyes darting around frantically. " _What the—Cross?! Where are you!?"_

I chuckled with guilty pleasure at her apparent distress. "In the Transponder Snail shop, about a mile away from you. The transponder worked!"

" _A mile!? And Soundbite can hear_ everything _in that radius?!"_

I opened my mouth to respond—

" _Blue-tongue snapper for five hundred beri! Five hun—!_ **HEY, GET BACK HERE YOU LITTLE—!** _AMAA~ZII~NG GRAA~CE—!_ **I think I'm gonna be—!"**

Before wincing as a barrage of sound assaulted me. "Does _that_ answer your question!?"

" _... I heard all that... and Soundbite is a mile away... are you trying to tell me that your pompous, annoying, jerkass of a snail_ is essentially a god of noise!?"

"Uh..." I faltered slightly. "Don't you think you're exaggerating a bit?"

" _He knows everything that happens within a mile of him and he can make anyone_ hear _anything within that range!"_

"He's also the size of a baseball, can only move at the rate of an inch a minute, and salt shakers are as deadly to him as cannonballs."

" _...alright, I feel a little better. By the way, did you catch up to Luffy?"_

"Yeah, I told him to get back to the ship by sundown then let him get on his way. I'm pretty sure he'll be fine."

" _Mmmph... alright, then."_

"Anyways... in light of Soundbite's recent upgrade, maybe we should get less snails? Two should do."

" _Hmm... Well, if it'll save us money, fine. Works for me. Make sure they're good ones, got it?"_

"Got it. See you at the Merry."

" _See you."_

And with that, Soundbite regained his usual proud expression. "TA- **dah!"**

"Well, he's going to be a right pain..." I sighed tiredly. "But, on the upside, I doubt I'll ever manage to misplace him."

"You have my sympathy," Samson chuckled. "So anyways, you said you wanted to buy two more snails?"

"Yeah, just babies." I picked up Soundbite and put him back on my shoulder as I looked into the crate. "Any suggestions?"

"Eh, not really," Samson shrugged as he leaned over the counter. "The majority of snails aren't as... expressive as yours, especially after they get their transponder. In general, one's as good as the o—!"

" _ **MEEDLY-MEEDLY-MEEDLY-**_ **MEEEEOOOOOOW!"**

"Gah!" Both Samson and I jumped as Soundbite suddenly started belting out a guitar solo at the top of his lungs.

"What the hell do you think you're—?!" I cut off the impending rant when I caught sight of the crate.

Most of the Baby Transponder Snails had withdrawn into their shells... but two of them were still out, goofy grins on their faces as they bobbed along to Soundbite's beat.

"Well, that's one way of doing it..." Samson mused.

"Tell me about it," I agreed, fishing the two snails out and placing them on the countertop. "So, how much?"

"Mmm... these guys are pretty big, quality range, so... two hundred thousand? Oh!" The clerk ducked down behind the counter and brought out a leather case with a shoulder strap. "And I'll even throw in this snail carrier for an extra six thousand. Sound like a deal?"

"It does to me," I nodded, drawing out the payment and plopping it on the desk. "Thanks a bundle."

"Same to you, buddy," Samson concurred, placing the snails in the bag and handing it over. "Good luck on your travels."

Slinging the strap over my free shoulder, I waved goodbye as I left the Snail Shack. I glanced around the street, contemplating where to head next...

"Why did you do it?"

Before snapping my head over my shoulder, blinking at Smoker in surprise as he leaned against the wall of the shop. "Excuse me?" I asked in confusion.

Smoker pushed off the wall and walked up to me, looming like a particularly ominous cloud. "You might have a smart mouth, but you're still a smart kid. You could have been a lot of things, so why a pirate?"

I considered my answer for a moment. There were a lot of things I could say, but as it was, I felt that honesty was the best policy. As such, I spread my arms wide. "I have a dream," I announced. "Or rather, I had _a_ dream, just one, one that I started with. Then... something changed."

Smoker cocked an eyebrow. "Oh, yeah? What?"

My mind went back...

" _I'm gonna be king of the pirates!"_

And I smiled exultantly. "My captain," I chuckled. "I know he doesn't look like much, but... when he told me his dream..." I shook my head in awe. "I can't really explain it, but the fact of the matter is that... I _believe_ in his dream. I believe that he's going to accomplish it, and I believe that he's going to do things, magnificent, _glorious_ things in the process." I shrugged matter-of-factly. "I want to have a front-row seat while he does it. Simple, no?"

For what felt like an eternity, Smoker stared down at me; he watched me, _judged_ me with his inscrutable gaze. Finally, he spoke. "Is your crew heading to the Grand Line?"

I shot a smirk at him. "Isn't everyone with a Jolly Roger and a ship?"

"And I can't talk you out of this madness?"

A hint of steel came into my glare. "Captain, that's a _stupid_ question and you know it."

Smoker let out a sigh of defeat as he scratched the back of his head. "Stupid kid..." He dug into a pocket of his jacket and tossed a small rod of metal at me. "Here. You'll need this."

I fumbled and only just managed to catch the rod, looking it over in confusion. It was short and stubby and... it looked... familiar...

Acting on a hunch, I flicked my arm out, causing the seven-inch tube to unfold into a rod that was only a little less than two feet long.

I eyed the rod in surprise, hefting it contemplatively. "Is this... a tactical baton?"

"Standard issue in the Marines, meant to handle civilians in a non-lethal manner," Smoker grunted in explanation. "It's not much, especially without knowing any techniques, but it's better than nothing."

And with that, he turned on his heel and began to march down the streets. "Try not to die."

I blinked in shock, staring at the rod for a second before looking up at the captain. "Wait!" I called out.

Smoker halted and looked back at me.

I held up the baton. "Why?" I asked slowly. "I told you that I was a pirate. I disparaged the Marines and the World Government. You would have been well within your rights to break my nose at any point that I was talking. So, why didn't you?"

Smoker stared at me for a second before breathing out a sigh of smoke. "I wanted to prove you wrong."

I shook my head definitively. "You would have proved me wrong if you locked me in shackles."

"Not about that, dumbass..." Smoker gnawed on his cigar darkly. "You said that I was a good Marine. A good Marine wouldn't have let you walk one more step once they knew what you were." He turned around and started to walk away once more. "It's as simple as that."

I watched him walk away for a second before hastily shouting. "Captain!"

Smoker froze and looked back again, this time with a tinge of exasperation.

"I don't like what the Marines currently are," I announced plainly. "And I don't like what they do. But..." I sighed and shook my head. "I respect what it stands for, and I respect you. I never said that good Marines were a myth, sir. There are too many good Marines by half. It's decent ones that are in short supply. There's a difference. A big one."

I brought my hand up into a salute as I nodded at the captain. "Ooh-rah, sir."

" _Ooh-rah,"_ Soundbite echoed seriously.

Smoker stared at me for a second before scoffing and continuing on his way, his hand raised in farewell.

I watched him for a few seconds before glancing at Soundbite. "Well... now that that's been handled, wanna go find Nami and make sure she doesn't buy us anything that makes us look like a pair of crossdressers?"

" _Ándale,_ **ándale!"**

"My thoughts exactly."


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4: Bolt From the Blue! The Winds Of Change Begin To Stir!

Chapter Text

"Well, this is turning out to be harder than I thought..." I grumbled morosely as I trudged through the town's streets.

"Turns out my job's not so easy, is it now?" Nami asked innocently.

"You're supposed to be able to guide all of us anywhere at any time, Nami. I think that renders your argument a little invalid," I groused with a roll of my eyes.

"HEY! Don't talk to Nami-swan like that!"

"Ack!" I yelped, jerking one of my headphones off my ear before glaring at the snickering snail on my shoulder. "Volume control, jackass!"

Soundbite chuckled maliciously for a moment before adopting a far prouder expression. "Nice work, Soundbite. Your dinner'll be gourmet tonight!"

"Thank youuu!" the gastropod sang enthusiastically.

"No honor among thieves, huh?" Usopp asked darkly.

"Tell me about it..." I sighed tiredly.

For the past few minutes, Soundbite had managed to locate the majority of our crewmates and connect us all together with sound. Usopp had been more than a little freaked out by the seemingly ghostly voices of the crew, but Nami had swiftly calmed him down... though Soundbite's increase in power had been a visible point of consternation. Soundbite messing around with him via a few really ghostly voices hadn't helped matters either.

"Alright, enough. Cross, still no luck finding Luffy?" Zoro asked gruffly.

Currently, we were all scanning the streets of Logue Town in search of our captain, following Nami informing us all of an impending storm that was fast-approaching the island. Furthermore, she'd also warned us all about the dangers of the local marines, Smoker in particular. I had made an... educated decision to not mention my close run-in with the good Captain. While that had been fun, the mere concept of the wrath of Nami had nowhere near the same allure.

I tsked and shook my head in exasperation. "None. Either he's being as quiet as a churchmouse—"

"HA!" Nami barked.

"My thoughts exactly—or, more likely, he's somewhere so loud that he's being drowned out and Soundbite can't pick him out. Still, it's Luffy, so he should be at the execution scaffold's plaza..." I paused for a second before hanging my head with a chuckle. "Though knowing him he'll probably be on the scaffold."

"Yup."

"That'd be just like him."

"I wouldn't be surprised."

There was a moment of silence that gradually became more and more uncomfortable until finally...

"Cross, can Soundbite hear any places loud enough to drown out Luffy?" Nami asked slowly.

I glanced at the snail questioningly and winced as he nodded with a grimace. "EEEYUP!"

"Does that answer your question?"

"And... can you hear what's going on there?"

I promptly tapped the side of my headphones, preparation preventing me from wincing as a wave of sound flooded my skull. I pursed my lips as I tried to parse through the cacophony before grimacing as something stood out. "I don't suppose Luffy's ever had anything to do with a pirate by the name of 'Buggy', has he?" I asked, fully expecting the answer.

A moment of silence. Then...

"Crap." Zoro summarized succinctly.

"Everyone doubletime it to the plaza! Now!" Nami ordered, a tone of panic entering her voice.

"You heard the lady, Usopp! Shake a leg!"

"Alright, alright! But if you really want us to hurry, then maybe you should take the heavier end of this thing!"

"NO PAIN NO GAIN!"

"LIKE YOU'RE ACTUALLY DOING ANYTHING PHYSICAL!"

Soundbite's very mature response was to blow a multi-tonal raspberry.

"You do realize that he has a point, ri—OW!" I grit my teeth as Soundbite chomped on my ear. "Withdrawn! Withdrawn! Let go already!" I sighed in relief as he finally complied. "Alright, we'll talk about this later, but for now, hold on tight!"

I broke into a fast trot down the street...

Before hastily backpedaling and jogging in place before a vendor's stand. "Pardon me," I inquired as I panted heavily. "But how much does a particularly heavy-duty Log Pose cost?"

-o-

"Hey, guys!" I wheezed as I skidded to a stop next to the rest of the crew. We were all gathered on the outermost edges of a massive plaza, a huge crowd assembled directly next to us.

Zoro gave me a flat look as he 'graced' me with a cursory glance. "You need to exercise more."

"I'll- hoo- get right on that..." I groaned, thanking anyone and everyone I could as energy returned to my aching muscles. "Any- huff- luck finding- wheeze- Luffy?"

The swordsman promptly plopped his hand on my head and turned it so that I was following the crowd's line of sight. I blinked at the tall wooden tower that loomed over the mass of people before focusing on the prone and flashy figures at the top of the structure. I immediately dropped my face into a deadpan stare. "Honestly, I really should have seen that coming."

"Yup." Soundbite, Nami and Usopp nodded in solemn agreement.

Sanji sighed as he clicked his lighter and lit a cigarette, eyeing the situation with a wary gaze. "Cross, Nami, Usopp. Take the supplies back to the Merry, Zoro and I will get our captain out of there."

I glanced at the navigator and sniper for a second before shaking my head firmly. "No way. I'm staying here to help."

Nami looked at me in bewilderment. "No offense to you, Cross, but how could you possibly help those two in a fight? I've seen you naked-"

"Don't remind me..." I groused, a blush riding up on my cheeks.

"- and you have just about no muscle mass. You'd be dead in three seconds flat!"

"If I actually fought," I corrected. I glanced at the crowd before pointing out three civilians who were spread apart at random. "Distract."

Soundbite immediately latched his gaze on to the civilians and grinned mischievously before appearing to speak without actually making any noise.

The reactions were... impressive, to say the least. Almost instantly, the civvies leapt close to a foot off the ground, spinning around and looking for the source of whatever had just happened. One of the civilians suddenly turned around and punched another square in the jaw, a furious look on his face, before being tackled by the third. Within seconds, the three were locked in a brawl that threatened to spread to the rest of the crowd.

Internally, I was gaping in unabashed shock at the madness I'd just sparked. Externally, I maintained a neutral gaze before glancing down at the cackling snail on my shoulder. "I said 'distract', not 'let slip the dogs of war'-"

Soundbite's laughter redoubled, though judging by how nobody was looking our way he was keeping it restrained to us.

"- but I think I've proved my point." I looked Sanji and Zoro dead in the eye. "I know I can't fight, but I can provide support. I could possibly help from a distance with Soundbite's range..." I shook my head firmly. "But I don't want that. I am a Straw Hat Pirate, and that-!" I jabbed a finger at the platform. "Is my captain. The future King of the Pirates, about to die where his predecessor did." I allowed a tinge of desperation to entered my expression. "This is my first chance to contribute to the crew. Don't take this from me. Please. Let. Me. Help."

Soundbite glanced at our crewmates for a second before nodding once, firmly and silently.

The rest of the crew were deathly silent as they stared at me in shock before slowly glancing at one another, something unspoken passing between them.

For a heart-stopping moment, I was afraid that they'd tell me to go. I'd do it if they pressed, of course. Logically speaking, I was perfectly aware that my presence here would do absolutely jack shit to change the outcome. Emotionally speaking... I knew that my speech was cheesy, but I'd meant every word of it. One week might not seem like a lot to most, but in all honesty a week with Luffy... I wanted to see this through, needed to, however I could.

Finally, I felt a weight leave my chest as Zoro and Sanji nodded at me.

"Be ready to run," Sanji ordered.

I nodded in understanding before looking up at the platform. "Mind if I offer some advice?"

Zoro shrugged as he undid his bandanna and tied it over his head. "What?"

"Don't charge in right away. We're lucky, that guy looks and sounds like he loves the sound of his own voice. He'll keep monologuing for a while so long as he's not interrupted. Get as close as you can and charge him when it seems like he's winding up for the finale. I'll get Soundbite to start sowing chaos once the fighting starts."

Sanji and Zoro glanced at one another before shrugging and nodding.

"Sounds like a plan," Zoro grunted as he clicked his swords back into their sheathes.

Sanji pointed at Nami and Usopp. "You two are still going back, no debate."

Usopp swallowed heavily as he rebalanced the massive fish he was carrying. "No argument there!"

Nami looked at all of us before hefting her sack as well. "Get him out and then get out. We need to get out to sea before the storm really hits."

I nodded at her firmly. "We will. And don't worry, I'll keep you up to date." I glanced between everyone, absently handing her the bag with the transponder snails. "We all know what to do. Let's grab our captain and get the heck off this rock."

And with that, we separated, Zoro and Sanji slipping into the crowd with some degree of subtlety while Nami and Usopp pelted down the street towards the coast.

As for me, I slowly started to pace back and forth along the outside of the crowd, scanning it slowly as I kept track of the execution platform. Thankfully, my summary had been accurate: Buggy was living up the moment for all it was worth. In all honesty, I really had to wonder about what was going through his head when he came up with this plan. Executing Luffy was par for the course, what with him being a psychotic jackass and all... but doing it where his own captain had died? I couldn't tell if he was tipping his hat to Luffy in some sick, twisted manner or if he had just blinded himself to the reality of his location.

Suddenly, I was snapped out of my musings as a flash of green caught my attention. My eyes zeroed in on the spot and scanned the crowd, searching for that color again. I knew it couldn't have been Zoro, his sense of direction was apoplectic but not that bad, so that only really left one option, but there was no way in hell I was that-

It was at that point that I caught sight of the green-haired person I'd spied, as well as the heavy furred overcoat he was wearing.

Well... shit. This was a development, to be sure. So... what the hell do I do with it? I mean, it wasn't like I could actually do any good at this point... could I? What if I wound up messing things up? What if I changed things irreparably? What...

I blinked as a thought struck me. So what if I changed things? Luffy actually had something of a point in Sabaody: an adventures no good if you know every step of it to come. Might as well throw a few wildcards into the mix.

And so, my mind made up, I walked up to the person and tapped him on the shoulder before pointing up at the execution scaffold. "Hell of a show, huh?"

Bartolomeo glanced at me with a slightly irritated look before, thankfully, shrugging my apparent impudence off in favor of watching the display. "The clown's a bit annoying, but yeah," he grunted with a tone of grudging respect. "Too bad the kid's gonna die. It takes some serious moxie to actually climb the scaffold in broad daylight. I should know, I've gotten locked up for it more than once."

I chuckled somewhat shakily as I glanced at the local mobster. "Oh, I wouldn't bet on him dying just yet. I'm pretty certain that he can get his way out of this somehow."

"Oh yeah?" Bartolomeo grunted, giving me a sidelong look. "You know him?"

I shrugged slightly. "My captain. He's a nice guy, if a bit empty-headed. I haven't been with the crew long, but I've heard enough to know that he's slipped out of some pretty impossible shit before. He'll live."

That prompted Bartolomeo irritated scowl to morph into open surprise. "Captain, huh? So that brat's really a pirate?"

"His blood's as salty as it comes, that's for sure."

"Hmph..." The mobster shrugged and looked up at the display, irritated scowl back in place. "Well, the kid's got some guts, sure, but I really don't see what makes him so-!"

"HEY! LISTEN!"

Both Barto and I, not to mention the rest of the crowd, jumped in shock when Luffy's voice suddenly bellowed out.

"I AM THE MAN!" he roared, his voice full of confidence and determination. "WHO WILL BE KING OF THE PIRATES!"

My breath hitched as I felt the exact same wave of certainty, the same sense of fact I'd felt the first time he'd said those words.

"H-holy crap..." Bartolomeo breathed in shock. "D-Did he really just say that?! Here, now, in front of the whole freaking world!?"

I chuckled shakily as I nodded slowly in agreement. "Like you said, he's got guts."

Suddenly, I noticed there was some sort of commotion coming from a part of the crowd close to the scaffold. A quick glance at Soundbite showed that he was mouthing a bunch of words and sounds desperately.

Apparently Bartolomeo didn't notice this as he stared up at the top of the platform. "That's... he's not human. Where the hell do you get the sheer balls to say something like that!?"

I allowed a grin to splay across my lips as I glanced at him. "I told you, didn't I? He's got salt in his veins. Those guts of his? They're the guts of a pirate, through and through."

Bartolomeo nodded slowly in agreement before tensing suddenly. "Well those guts are about to go all over the plaza!"

I followed his line of sight and set my spine ramrod straight when I caught sight of Buggy holding his sword high above Luffy's neck.

"No..." I breathed in numb horror. I knew that something or someone would save Luffy, be it Dragon or be it fate or be it pure luck, but... I couldn't help but feel that there was every chance that this was the one time, the one possibility where Luffy... where Luffy...

"Please... Please don't let this be where it ends..." I begged under my breath. "Please..."

"Cross?" Soundbite suddenly put Nami's voice through. "Cross, what's happening? Is Luffy safe?"

I opened my mouth to say something, anything...

"ZORO!"

I jumped as Luffy roared.

"SANJI! NAMI! USOPP! CROSS! SOUNDBITE!"

I felt my heart stop as Luffy smiled openly and without remorse, not a care in the world as Buggy's sword came down on his neck.

"Sorry," he grinned. "But... I'm dead."

"NO!" Zoro's voice cried out.

"DON'T TALK CRAZY!" Sanji's voice demanded desperately.

"LUFFY!" I screamed, my own voice mixing in seamlessly with Nami and Usopp's.

Suddenly, with legitimately no warning whatsoever, the sky seemed to split open in a flash of light. Moments later, I was shaken to the core by a crack and a rumble loud enough that I was surprised that the island itself hadn't split open.

When I finally managed to get my wits about me, the platform was burning blue and starting to collapse.

"Cross, what just happened!?"

I jumped as Usopp's voice snapped me out of my awe. I fumbled desperately for a second before managing to answer. "I... ah... A... a bolt of lightning... it... The platform... It hit the platform! Lightning hit the platform!"

There was a moment of shocked silence before Usopp finally spoke. "That's... that's less surprising than it should be..."

"And what about Luffy?!" Nami demanded. "Is he alright!?"

I opened my mouth to respond...

"Hey, I'm alive! That's nice!"

I let a relieved sigh whoosh out of me as Luffy spoke up. "He's alive..." I chuckled, relief flooding my body. "He's alive... he's alive!"

Nami and Usopp breathed sighs of relief.

"Thank god..."

"I knew that idiot wouldn't die that easy... alright, grab him and get to the Merry as fast as you can! Let's get the heck out of Logue Town!"

"I couldn't agree with you more!" I nodded in agreement. "See you soon, over and out!" Once Soundbite ended the connection, I looked over at Bartolomeo. The mobster was staring at where the scaffold had been standing mere moments ago, his jaw dropped as far open as it could go.

"See?" I grinned shakily as I patted him on the shoulder. "Told you he'd get out alive!"

However, before I could say anything further to him, a very familiar trio ran by us.

"SHAKE A LEG, CROSS!" Sanji ordered.

"WOO HOO! THEY'RE PISSED!" Luffy cackled madly.

I laughed at the sheer insanity of the situation before throwing up a salute of farewell at Bartolomeo. "Happy trails, partner!" I laughed. And with that, I proceeded to take off down the road alongside my crewmates, pushing my body to keep up with them.

"Who was that you were talking to?" Zoro asked.

Before I could respond, Soundbite suddenly started crying out Bartolomeo's voice. "Hey! Wait! Guy! Wait up!"

"I can hear you, buddy, my snail wasn't just for show," I reassured him.

"Y-you're with your captain, right? Straw Hat Luffy? C-can I talk to him?"

I blinked in surprise before shrugging and proffering my snail to my captain. "It's for you."

Luffy looked at Soundbite in surprise. "Hello? Who're you?"

"M-m-my name is Bartolomeo! S-Straw Hat Luffy! T-the reason you're so awesome, the reason you were able to smile at death... i-is it because you're a pirate?!"

Luffy stared at the blubbering transponder snail for a moment before grinning widely. "Of course! After all, pirates are the free-est people on the sea! That means being able to go on incredible adventures and keep smiling no matter what happens! We're nothing other than awesome!"

Soundbite sniffed and choked for a second in awe before finally speaking. "S-So... if... if I became a p-p-pirate... c-could I be as awesome as you!?"

Luffy's grin somehow widened even further as he nodded enthusiastically. "Definitely!"

Bartolomeo hesitated for a second, a mere second before crying eagerly. "Th-Then I'm gonna do it! I'm gonna get a ship! I'm gonna get a crew! I'm going out to the sea! To the Grand Line! I'm gonna become a pirate! One as great and awesome a-a-and incredible as you are! I, BARTOLOMEO OF LOGUETOWN, AM GONNA BE A PIRATE!"

"Shishishi!" Luffy laughed. "Sounds awesome!"

"Don't just half-ass it though, you hear?" I cut in hastily. "Get a real crew, get a real ship! When you go out to sea, you do it with every intention of being the best pirate you can be! You hear me, Bartolomeo?"

"Y-Yeah, yeah, I hear you! I'll do it! I'll do it right! Wait for me, alright, Straw Hat Luffy? Wait for me! W-w-we're gonna meet again! We'll meet again... IN THE GRAND LINE!"

"Shishishi! Alright! Looking forward to it! Good luck, Barty!" Luffy chortled animatedly.

"Until we see you again, buddy!" I agreed. And with that, Soundbite cut the connection, his tears disappearing in favor of his usual smirk.

"Hey, Luffy, sounds like you have a fan!" Sanji laughed.

"I know, right? That's so awesome!" Luffy snickered in agreement.

"What the heck did you say to him, anyway?" Zoro asked me.

I shrugged helplessly with a grin as I put Soundbite back on my shoulder, flipping my jacket's hood on as I finally noticed the rain pelting down on us. "Hell if I know! I was just confident that Luffy would get out of there! Must have been infectious, huh?"

Sanji tsked as he cast a grin at Luffy. "Yeah, his crazy is a bit infectious, isn't it?"

"Well, we're already lost causes!" I concurred. "Let's get back to the ship before this storm grounds us!"

"ENOUGH TALKING!" Luffy snickered as he somehow increased his pace. "JUST KEEP RUNNING!"

"Aye-aye, captain!" I agreed.

We kept running forwards with little-to-no sense of direction with marines nipping at our heels...

Until we happened to notice a woman standing in the road ahead of us, forcing us to come to a halt.

"Who is this beauty?" Sanji asked eagerly, hearts evident in his eyes.

"Roronoa Zoro..." The woman growled darkly as she glared daggers at us. "You never told me you were a pirate! You lied to me, you bastard!"

Sanji's mood immediately flipped as he snarled at Zoro, seconds away from pounding him. "What the hell did you do to that girl, you moss-headed bastard!?"

"Sounds like somebody was busy during shore-leave!" I snickered. Soundbite laughed as he wolf-whistled in agreement.

Zoro ignored us all as he stepped forwards, staring at Tashigi flatly. "You never asked me what my name was, so I never lied to you. It's as simple as that."

If the sergeant's enraged expression was anything to go by, she didn't even remotely accept that answer, snarling as she drew her sword. "I'm going to take the Wado Ichimonji from you, and make sure it never falls into the hands of a pirate again!" And with that, she leapt forwards at us...

And was met blade-first by Zoro, who stared her down frigidly. "Go on ahead," he grunted.

"Okay!" Luffy nodded as he ran past.

"Good luck!" I waved as I followed the rubber man's lead.

"FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT!" Soundbite crowed.

"If you hurt one hair on her head I'll kick your ass, mosshead!" Sanji raged as he just barely managed to restrain himself and follow us.

"You think he'll be alright?" I asked Luffy as the sword-wielders fell out of sight.

"Of course!" Luffy grinned. "After all, it's Zoro!"

"Fair enough!" I conceded

And with that, we kept running for all we were worth. The rain was pouring down on us in buckets and the wind was almost like a corporeal wall it was so strong, but either way we kept going. Soon, I felt my heart soar as I caught sight of the harbor's arch. It was a sure thing now: we were going to make it!

Then I felt my gut drop as I caught sight of who was standing beneath the arch. "Ah crap..." I groaned piteously.

"Great, now what!?" Sanji demanded.

"Straw Hat Luffy..." Captain Smoker growled as he glared at the three of us, forcing us to come to a halt. "I already told you you couldn't make it to the Grand Line without beating me, didn't I?"

Luffy blinked in confusion before grinning his usual stupid grin. "Oh yeah, I forgot!" he chuckled.

Smoker narrowed his eyes at us as he took a menacing step forward. "You're really stupid, you know that?"

I chuckled miserably as I scratched the side of my head. "Tell me about it..."

Luffy's grin darkened with brutal eagerness as he reached up and clutched his hat. "Sanji, Cross, Soundbite. You guys go on ahead. I'll deal with this guy!"

However, before either of us could even think to either protest or agree, Smoker cut in. "What the hell makes you think I'll let any of you get away!?" he demanded, his arms billowing out into pillars of smoke and grabbing Luffy and leaving him struggling in the air before he could react.

"Damn it!" Sanji cursed, dashing forwards and launching a kick at Smoker's face. "Bastard!"

Sadly, the kick whiffed straight through Smoker's head, causing him to glare at the cook imperiously. "I've got no time for small fry." That was all the warning Sanji received before he was pummeled into a building by a fist of smoke. "White Fist!"

"Grk! Sanji!" Luffy howled, ripping an arm free and launching it at Smoker. "Take this! Gum Gum Pistol!"

Smoker dissipated around the blow, coalescing behind Luffy with a hand on his head moments later. "You're worth 30 million beri?" he scoffed. Before Luffy could react, he was slammed face-first into the pavement, with Smoker sitting cross-legged on his back.

"You're barely even worth one," the Captain growled as he started to reach for the jutte on his back. "Your luck's run out, kid."

"Oh, I don't know..."

Smoker froze as I pressed my baton's length against the underside of his throat, casting a shaky grin at him. "He seems like he's still a pretty damn lucky bastard to me."

Smoker turned a murderous glare on me, causing me to almost lose my grip on my weapon. "Do you really think that this will stop me?" he intoned darkly.

I shrugged ever so slightly as I tilted my head at Soundbite. "Depends. Do you think you're fast enough to dodge a blast of pure sound, capable of vaporizing stone?"

Soundbite snickered in agreement, his teeth bared in a menacing smirk.

I was, of course, completely bluffing my ass off, but hey, he didn't know that. Besides, people can dream!

Smoker switched tracks instantly. "You lied to me," he stated. "You said that none of your crew was wanted."

"In my defense, I've never really seen his wanted poster," I retorted, glancing down at Luffy. "You're worth 30 million, captain? That's pretty awesome!"

"Th'nks!" Luffy muttered out around the stone.

"Shut up!" Smoker snarled downwards before glaring at me. "This? This is who you're pinning everything on? You're pinning your hopes and dreams on this... this kid?"

"That 'kid'," I shot back. "As you call him, was just saved by a legitimate miracle. He is incredible and I... I believe in his dream, I believe in it every step of the way. He is going to go on and do awe-inspiring things... and if it means getting to see those things, being able to march with him, step by step, every inch of the way?" I didn't even hesitate as I grinned as widely as I could. "Then yeah. Yeah, I'll bet it all on him. Because I genuinely believe in Monkey D. Luffy becoming King of the Pirates. And nothing you or anyone in the whole wide world says will convince me otherwise."

"Awww, th'nks Cross!" Luffy mumbled out.

"Any time, Captain!" I nodded firmly.

Smoker's response was more terrifying than heartwarming, as he narrowed his eyes and reached up to clutch the handle of his jutte. "You bet wrong, kid. This is the end of the line. For the both of you!"

"Actually..."

The world seemed to freeze as a hand came out of nowhere, grabbing the handle as well.

I could literally hear my heartbeat as I stared up at the legitimately massive cloaked figure that hadn't been standing behind Smoker a moment ago, taking in his familiar grin and tattoo with awe. I idly noted the nigh imperceptible 'eeeeeee' noise that Soundbite was making.

"I believe it's only just starting," Monkey D. Dragon stated with all the calm of an impending storm.

"Holy crap..." I breathed.

"Hey! Wh't's going on!?" Luffy struggled under Smoker's grip. "Wh's that!?"

"You..." Smoker growled up at the Revolutionary, his cold sweat mixing in with the rain. "The World Government's after your head..."

Dragon's grin only seemed to widen in response. "The world is still waiting for our answer..."

Before anyone could think to respond, the world seemed to go green and the wind went from howling to roaring, bellowing in rage and fury as it tore at the world around us and sent the world into chaos. I barely managed to identify the screaming I heard as my own a second later.

When it finally died down, I was laying on my ass, in the harbor, my head spinning as I tried to clamber to my feet. "Soundbite...?" I groaned, pushing myself to my feet..

"SPIN cycle SUCKS!" he spat out from inside his shell, which was thankfully still clutching my shoulder.

"Hey, Cross!" Usopp cried as he grabbed my other shoulder and shook me slightly. "You alright?"

I gave the sniper a shaky grin. "Bruised and battered, but I think I'll live." I frowned as a thought struck me. "But where's the Merry?!"

Usopp groaned as he pointed out to sea, where I could see a sail bobbing halfway to the horizon. "Out there. I don't know how we'll reach it now..."

"I do!" Luffy's voice rang out. "Brace yourselves, guys! Gum-Gum!"

I tensed as I remembered where this was undoubtedly going. "This is gonna suck..." I groaned.

"ROCKET!"

I think I might have blacked out for a moment, because the next thing I knew I was laying on the Merry's deck alongside the rest of the male portion of the crew, groaning in pain on account of my body feeling like somebody had taken a baseball bat to it.

"Oooowww..." I whined.

"Well, that was fun..." Zoro concurred wtih a wheeze of pain.

"Hey, Cross..." Sanji managed to bite out. "Did you manage to see what did all this?"

Soundbite and I opened our mouths... then glanced at one another and promptly snapped them shut. "Sanji..." I breathed. "You wouldn't believe me even if I told you."

"Eeeeeyup!" Soundbite nodded in agreement.

"You're here!" Nami laughed in relief as she helped us up. "Come on, we need to get moving! We've got a tailwind, we need to get out of here before the Marines manage to catch up to us!"

And with that, we scrambled to man the lines, working the whipstaff and sails furiously in order to fight against the elements and force them to work in our favor. It was not a fun time, what with us coming within feet of capsizing and taking a final dip, but we eventually managed to stabilize things.

Finally, Nami called out to us all. "Hey, look! There's a light!"

And indeed there was: a tower of stone with a light flashing on top, defying the darkness of the storm.

"Is that a lighthouse?!" Usopp asked in confusion as he clutched the mast.

Nami grinned and nodded. "Yeah... the guiding light... It's one of the markers... beyond that light... Is the entrance to the Grand Line! So!" She smiled at us all eagerly, seemingly drunk on the moment. "What's it gonna be?"

Usopp whimpered miserably as he held on to the Merry for dear life. "Do we have to do this in the middle of a storm!?"

"Aw, c'mon, Usopp!" I teased, my hands firmly clutching the Merry's rigging. "Where's your sense of adventure!?"

"I think it fell overboard and drowned a mile back!"

"SCAREDY CAT!"

"OH QUIET, YOU!"

Nevertheless, we all smiled eagerly at Nami and nodded, ready to take the next leg on our journey.

"Okay! I say we do something to mark the occasion!" Sanji nodded in determination, lugging a barrel out of the Merry's storeroom and setting it up on deck.

Usopp eyed the skies nervously before swallowing his fear and nodding in agreement. "R-right!"

"I'm in!" Luffy whooped.

"Let's do it!" Nami concurred.

Zoro didn't say anything, but his grin was answer enough.

"Hell yes!" I couldn't help but laugh.

"WOOHOO!" Soundbite hollered.

And so, Sanji raised his leg and placed it on top of the barrel. "I'm going to the Grand Line... to find the All Blue!" He announced.

"I'm going to be King of the Pirates!"

"I'm going to be the world's best swordsman!"

"I'll draw a map of the world!"

"I-I-I'm going to become... A BRAVE WARRIOR OF THE SEAS!"

I hesitated as my turn came up. At this moment... I wondered. Did I truly deserve to be here? In front of all these incredible people, in front of all their incredible dreams, I had to wonder... was I truly worthy? Could I do it?"

In the end... I could only come up with one suitable answer.

Hell yes.

I raised my foot and landed it on the barrel with finality. "I'm going to travel the seas!" I declared firmly. "And I'm going to see everything this cruel, crazy, beautiful world has to offer!"

"DITTO!" Soundbite roared in agreement.

We stared at the barrel for a moment as we took it all in. Six people and one snail, each with our own dreams, our own capabilities... about to take on the world. In a word, it was... awe-inspiring

Finally, Luffy grinned and raised his leg high, prompting us all to follow along. "And now!" he announced. "TO THE GRAND LINE!"

We brought our feet down on the barrel in the middle of a crack of thunder.

And so... our journey well and truly began.


	5. Chapter 5

### Chapter 5: Up Reverse Mountain! Laughing To The Top Of The World!

### Chapter Text

As poetic as our start towards as the official start of our adventure was, the reality was far less pleasant. We were, after all, setting out in the middle of a hurricane-grade storm. Still, at least we had a lighthouse to guide us...

"AH! NAMI! THE LIGHT'S GONE!"

For about two seconds, anyways.

"It's a lighthouse, Luffy!" I called up to my Captain as he hung from Merry's neck, fighting with the Merry's lines all the while. Why he _insisted_ on putting himself in the most precarious of positions over the _ocean_ when he _couldn't swim_ was beyond me, but I'd grown _more_ than used to it in the little time I'd known him. "They can't keep it going all the time, especially not in this kind of weather."

"Don't worry," Nami reassured him as she stepped up onto the prow, glancing at the map she was holding as she tried to perceive something, anything through the deluge. "That's why I'm here, isn't it? I can get us into the Grand Line, guaranteed."

"If you can find your way through _this_ , then I'd say you're more witch than expert!" I offered, only half-joking.

"Har har, very funny."

"Shishishi! You're really impressive, you know that?" Luffy asked as he twisted himself around to smirk up at Nami.

"Yeah, yeah," the navigator rolled her eyes. "Now would you _please_ get down from there before you fall in?"

"I'm not gonna give up my special seat."

I couldn't help but laugh at his matter-of-fact tone. "I wouldn't sit there even if you paid me! I'm wet enough as is, I don't want to fall into the ocean on top of that."

"Scaredy cat!" Luffy stuck his tongue out at me.

" **Buck buck buck-** _ **AWK!"**_ Soundbite clucked out with a sneer.

"Do _you_ want to go in instead?" I asked sardonically as I glanced at the snail. He promptly squawked and snapped back inside his shell. "Yeah, that's what I thought."

"Do it anyways! We can use him as bait!" Usopp called from the other side of the deck.

"I'll take that into consideration."

" _TRAITOR!"_

"Alright, alright, enough fun and games," Nami rolled her eyes with a smirk before turning serious. "Cross would you mind-?"

I nodded in understanding and tapped Soundbite's shell before pointing at Nami. "Amp."

Soundbite popped an eye out of his shell before letting out a whine.

_"You're live."_

" **Everyone meet me in the cabin,"** Nami's voice rang out. " **We need to talk about what's coming up next."**

Hastily complying, we all tied up our lines and followed Nami into the kitchen, where she spread her map open over the table.

"Now, I know this sounds crazy-" she started.

"Uh, Nami?" I hastily interrupted, reaching out and pinching Luffy's cheek in order to stretch it out. "There is a rubber man and a sound snail on board and a _smoke man_ tried to stop us from leaving Loguetown not more than an hour ago. I _think_ we passed 'crazy' a long time ago."

Nami considered this for a moment before indicating the center of her map. "Even if I tell you that the only way into the Grand Line is by sailing up a _mountain?"_

"Reverse Mountain, right," I nodded in confirmation.

The rest of the crew looked at me in shock.

"Wait, what!?" Usopp squawked in disbelief. "Sailing up a _mountain!?_ Y-Y-You can't be serious!"

"Oh no, I'm deadly serious," I shook my head firmly. "Reverse Mountain is pretty much the only means of entering the Grand Line open to the public." I looked at Nami. "May I?"

She shrugged indifferently. "If you know anything about it, feel free."

"Right then..." I walked over to the table and looked over the map before pointing out the design that occupied the center. "Alright, this here is Reverse Mountain. See these lines that cross over it?"

Sanji gnawed on his cigarette contemplatively as he looked the relatively ancient map over. "Yeah... What are those?"

"Canals." I held up a hand to stave off any oncoming protests. "I know it sounds nuts, but those _are_ canals, running up the _entire_ length of the mountain, past the clouds and down into the Grand Line. No clue who built them, how, when or why, but they exist alright."

"N-n-no way..." Usopp stammered, his eyes wide in disbelief. "Sailing up a mountain!? Th-Th-That's impossible!"

"Hey!" Sanji slapped the back of Usopp's head. "If Nami says that's how we get in, then that's how we get in, it's as simple as that! And... well, Cross is pretty smart too, I guess."

"Awww, thanks, Sanji!"

"Don't press your luck, snail mail."

" _Tsun_ **DE-!"**

"Don't even _think_ about it, dumbass." I firmly slapped a hand down on Soundbite's shell with a glare.

"It sounds like it could be fun!" Luffy grinned eagerly.

"Don't get your hopes up, Luffy," Zoro warned cynically. "Nami, you stole this map from Buggy, are you sure that it's reliable?"

"I can guarantee it," I volunteered. "It's not surprising that map is so valuable: it's eerily accurate. The marines would probably _love_ to get their hands on it, so as to better control any info on the Grand Line."

"And how do you know so much anyways?" Zoro asked with a tinge of suspicion

I swallowed slightly at the attention before rallying. "No offense to the East Blue, but it _is_ called the weakest of the Blues, and this is one of the reasons why," I answered with a shrug. "Florida is on the Red Line, so we border the North Blue as well as the East. Info on the Grand Line is more... thorough there." I frowned in thought. "Well, general information, anyways. The Grand Line has a reputation for being a bit… active. Who _knows_ how accurate some of my info really is."

Usopp shuddered heavily as he processed the implications of that statement. "W-w-wait, y-you mean-?!"

"Yeeeaaaah..." I barely repressed an evil grin as I pointed out several spots on the map past the Grand Line. "There should be islands here, here, here, aaaand here. At least, from what I remember at any rate. Geography: such a... _feeble_ aspect of the Grand Line."

The sniper choked out a terrified sob as he sank to his knees. "What kind of a place are we headed into!?" he demanded helplessly.

I really _did_ grin malevolently as I loomed over him. " _Hell."_

" **Oooo-eeee-oooo!"** Soundbite snickered as he mimicked a theremin.

Sanji delivered a slow clap as he observed our antics. "Very funny you two. Now lay off him before he has a heart attack, would you?"

I chuckled as I raised my hands in surrender. "Fair enough, fair enough. Sorry about that."

"Anyways..." Zoro pressed on with a sigh. "Even with how crazy the world already is, what you're saying is pretty out there. Couldn't we just, I don't know, sail right into the Grand Line or something? Looks like the ocean is pretty clear to me."

"NO WAY!" Luffy and Nami bellowed simultaneously.

"What they said," I concurred, pointing at the pair.

"It'd be totally wrong if we didn't start our adventure properly!" Luffy continued with a determined nod.

"That, not so much."

"Listen," Nami crossed her arms firmly. "It's not so easy as you make it out. There's a reason that not just anyone can get into the Grand Line, after all."

" **One does not simply** _sail_ **into** _THE GRAND LINE!"_ Soundbite nodded in agreement.

"Oh yeah?" Sanji cocked an eyebrow in curiosity. "How come?"

I opened my mouth to respond... then paused as I became aware of something.

Or rather... a _lack_ of something.

I swallowed heavily before grinning morbidly. "How about I _show you?"_

"Huh?"

I spread my arms wide. "Notice anything... _missing_ from this picture?"

The crew stared at me in confusion... until Soundbite got the hint and started whistling like the wind. Literally.

"Huh, now that you mention it you're right, the rain's stopped," Usopp said as he glanced out one of the portholes.

"It's _what!?"_ Nami squawked, staring outside in horror. "No way! We should have been in that storm all the way to the entrance of the canal!"

"And yet, take a look." I pushed the kitchen's door open and gestured. "Not a cloud in the sky."

"Wooooah!" Luffy breathed in awe as he jumped onto the deck, looking around eagerly. "The weather's suddenly great! That's so cool!"

"Yeah..." Sanji muttered as he walked out and looked back past the aft of the ship. "But I can still see the storm back there. What gives?"

"Ooooh, nothing much," I shrugged with a sigh. "Just nature's ultimate middle finger to all inter-Blue travel."

"THIS ISN'T THE TIME TO SPEAK PRETTY, DUMBASS!" Nami shrieked in terror. "IF YOU KNOW WHERE WE ARE, THEN YOU KNOW WHY NEED TO START ROWING OUR WAY OUT OF HERE _RIGHT THE HELL NOW!"_

"Huh?" Luffy looked at me in confusion. "How come? Where are we?"

"The Calm Belts," I explained with a wide grin. "They're the twin seas that border each half of the Grand Line on either side. No winds blow and barely any currents flow, and of those just about none go all the way through. Think doldrums, only on a _global_ scale."

"So it's calm seas all the way?" Zoro asked. "Doesn't that mean we could just row through?"

"HELL NO!"

"Nami's right, it's not that simple," I nodded in agreement. "After all, as I said, they're _seas._ It'd take weeks, hell, maybe even _months_ to row our way through. With seven of us on board, we'd almost certainly die of dehydration before we made it through. Besides that, I wouldn't put it past the seas to toss one or two tsunamis at us, which we wouldn't have a chance of outrunning. _Then_ there's the fact that the Calm Belts are the hunting grounds of one of the Seven Warlords of the Sea, the Pirate Empress Boa Hancock, who would most _definitely_ kill us all in about ten seconds flat."

The majority of the crew was staring at me in unmitigated horror, while Luffy was grinning at me as though I'd just caused Christmas to come early.

"And none of those are even the _popular_ reason why nobody comes through here."

"And that reason would be?" Usopp asked nervously, obviously dreading the answer.

Nami made to answer... just as the ship suddenly _lurched._

"What the heck-!?" Sanji spat.

Soundbite shivered on my shoulder, his eyes swiveling furiously. " _ **They're he~ere..."**_ he sang morbidly.

And just like that, in less than a second, for the first time in her life, the Going Merry _flew,_ sailing high into the sky before coming to a sudden halt and flinging us off our feet.

"Ouch..." I moaned, wincing as my bruises from Luffy getting us back onboard the Merry flared up. "That wasn't pleasant..."

"What was that?" Zoro groaned.

"The popular reason..." Nami whimpered pitifully as she hugged the mast desperately.

Usopp made to ask what she meant… and promptly keeled backwards, foaming at the mouth as the shadow of a titanic head covered us all.

"It's filled… with Sea Kings…" Our navigator sobbed with a hopeless smile.

"Yeah..." I chuckled helplessly, staggering to my feet and glancing over Merry's side at the expanse of black and white skin that lay below us, my blood roaring in my ears as my gut started to boil. "It's their natural breeding ground, actually. Ironic, ain't it? Most dangerous monsters in the world besides humans, and they live in the most _peaceful_ part of it."

"Yeah yeah yeah..." Zoro huffed hurriedly, dragging the ship's oars out of the stockroom and handing them to Sanji and Luffy. "Alright, listen up: when these guys go under, we row like hell for the storm, got it?"

"Yeah!" Luffy nodded in agreement. "We're going into the Grand Line the right way!"

"THAT'S NOT THE REASON WHY, DUMB- _WAGH!"_ Nami was cut off as the Merry suddenly heaved. "W-what the-!?"

Soundbite blinked in confusion for a second before squeaking and snapping back into his shell. " _Gesundheit!"_

I bit out a curse as I shoved Soundbite into my jacket before running to the Merry's rigging and wrapping one of the rope ladders around my arm. "HOLD ONTO YOUR _EVERYTHING!"_

And just like that, I experienced one of the most violent sneezes I'd ever felt in my life and things went straight to hell.

The next few minutes were a blur of motion, screaming, flailing, and enough rope burn to skin my arm down to the muscle.

When all was said and done, I found the sting of the rain and seawater sloshing into my open wounds a _relief_ when compared to the idea of going face to face with that horde of monsters again.

"Oh thank _god_ it's just a storm..." Usopp wheezed.

"That... wasn't all that fun..." Luffy - Luffy, of _all_ people - admitted, if somewhat reluctantly.

"Anyone _else_ feel like going in the hard way?" Nami asked darkly.

" _ **EEEEENOPE!"**_ Soundbite bellowed from within his jacket.

"If I never move again it'll be too soon..." Sanji groaned.

I made to respond, but winced as Nami let out a shuddering groan as she suddenly lurched hard to port. "You and me both, but that's not an option at the moment. Either we move or these crazy currents capsize us!"

The male members of the crew groaned in despair, while Nami suddenly shot up with a gasp of realization. "That's it!"

"The hell are you talking about, woman?" Zoro demanded tiredly.

"The currents! _That_ must be how the canals work!" Nami shot to her feet and started pacing furiously in thought, somehow managing to stay standing despite how wildly the deck was swaying. "It sounds crazy, but... if sea currents flowed at the mountain strong enough, then the water would flow up the mountain before coursing down into the Grand Line, like a fountain! There's no doubt we're already on the current, so we just need to do is steer our way in!" She then bit her thumb fearfully as a realization hit her. "But that also mean that things are that much more dangerous. Reverse Mountain is a Winter Island, so when the current hits the Red Line, it sinks back down into the sea. If we crash, we'll be dragged under for sure."

"Ah!" Luffy nodded in what I _highly_ doubted was understanding. "So it's a mystery mountain!" Nailed it.

"Eh, it's not that hard to understand!" I cut in, holding myself up against Merry's railing. "The Red Line is a chain of mountainous islands all linked together that run around the world, each with their own year-round seasonal climate. Florida was a Summer Island through and through, so

I'm used to the heat."

"Ooooh! So they're mystery _islands!_ Got it!"

I shrugged at Nami helplessly. "I tried."

"Hmph..." Zoro shook his head with a grunt. "Never heard of anyone sailing over a mountain before..."

"I might have," Sanji shot back with a grin.

"About this mountain?"

"No, the Grand Line," Sanji's smirk widened visibly. "They say you need to be half-dead before you can get in."

"Are you _kidding_ me!?" Usopp demanded helplessly.

"Hey, what were you expecting, a red carpet?" I laughed as I patted Usopp's back sympathetically. "Nothing worth doing is easy to do, which means this is _really_ gonna be worth it, right?"

The long-nosed sniper shot me a dark glare. "I _vehemently_ question your logic."

" _NYEH!"_ Soundbite poked his head out of my jacket in order to stick his tongue out at Usopp.

"YOU LITTLE-!"

"HEY! I CAN SEE THE MYSTERY ISLAND-MOUNTAIN!" Luffy suddenly bellowed, jabbing a finger out into the storm.

We all turned to see what he was indicating... and promptly fell silent.

It was... monolithic was a word, but it didn't even begin to do the Red Line justice. It was as though the horizon had just... _become_ stone. I craned my neck back, staring up in an attempt to catch sight of the top of the Line. Some part of my memory logically told me that it was an exercise in futile, but I... I _had_ to try, some _other_ part of my mind stubbornly refusing to accept the idea that something as stupidly _massive_ as this... this geological _monstrosity_ was physically capable, in this world or any other.

But no, there it was, staring me straight in the face and defying everything I knew to be fact.

And, I realized with a start, coming closer each and every second.

"Guys?" I croaked numbly.

Luffy successfully proved that the apocalypse was fast approaching by being the first to realize what I was getting at. "WE'RE GETTING SUCKED IN!" he whooped euphorically. "SANJI! USOPP! STEER US IN!"

Shocked out of their stupor, the two promptly scrambled into the kitchen and grabbed the whipstaff. "ON IT!" They chorused.

As we came closer and closer, we managed to catch sight of a crack in the mountain. Nami dug a pair of binoculars out of her coat and stared through them for a second before fumbling and almost dropping them in shock. "Holy crap..." she squeaked.

"What is it?" Zoro asked her.

She handed the binoculars to him without a word. He looked through them as well and promptly clenched in shock. "That's... I can't believe it..."

I laughed hoarsely as it finally came into sight: what had to be thousands upon thousands of gallons of water pouring _up_ the mountain, passing beneath ten _impossible_ stone arches. The sight was so insane, so terrifying, so... so...

_Beautiful._

It was _breathtaking._ An awe-inspiring sight that flipped every switch I had and threw my being into overdrive. My whole body felt like it was in danger of boiling over at any moment.

"There are more things in Heaven and Earth, Horatio!" I couldn't help but quote with an ear-to-ear grin.

Zoro ground his teeth as he stared at the fast-approaching gate. "Damn pretty words. Won't mean much if we die, though."

"We're a little off!" Luffy noted with a tinge of panic. "We need to be more to the right!"

Acting fast, I yanked Soundbite out of my coat and slammed him on to my shoulder, a whine flaring up over the howl of the wind. " **HARD TO STARBOARD!"**

"Right!"

"On it!"

For a moment, we heard them struggling to keep the Merry's rudder under control...

_SNAP!_

Until the sound of wood snapping in two like a dry twig rang out over the deck.

We all turned and stared at the whipstaff's destruction for a moment before a shudder beneath our feet brought us all back to our senses.

" _THE WHIPSTAFF!"_ Nami shrieked in terror.

I froze for a moment as I noticed the fact that we were heading _straight_ for one of the arches.

"Luuu _ffyyy!?"_ I asked nervously.

"I'm on it!" Luffy roared as he rushed past me. I barely had time to process the blur of yellow heading at me before I managed to force myself into action and grab Luffy's hat before it could fly away.

"GUM-GUM!" Luffy jumped over the edge of the Merry, interposing himself between the arch and our ship before inflating to unrealistic proportions. "BALLOON!"

For a heart-pounding moment, Luffy was squeezed against the arch, the Merry staying in place... until we finally slipped past, flying up the canal so fast we might as well be on a roller-coaster.

There was just one problem.

"LUFFY!" I yelled, watching as our captain started to drop into the sea.

"GRAB ON!" Zoro bellowed desperately, holding an arm out to him.

Nothing... nothing...

Luffy's hand grabbed Zoro's in an instant, clutching it for dear life. One hard tug later and our captain was tumbling onto the deck, laughing his ass off.

I sighed in relief as I slammed Luffy's hat back on his head. "NEVER DO THAT AGAIN, DUMBASS!" I shouted through my smile.

" **DUMBASS, DUMBASS!"** Soundbite parroted eagerly.

Luffy's response was to laugh even harder, and he wasn't the only one. All around me, the crew was celebrating. Usopp and Sanji were dancing, Nami was whooping joyously, Zoro had cracked a grin...

And me?

In the past ten minutes, I had come _inches_ from death, be it by storm, by Sea King or by crazy, convoluted currents. I was officially in over my head, miles out of my element...

"Pfff..." I snorted, my whole body shaking for a moment until I finally threw my head back and howled with laughter. "PFFHAHAHAHAHAAAA!"

_And I was loving every second of it._

Cackling like a madman, I leapt up onto the Merry's railing, wrapped my arm around the rigging, and hung myself out over the abyss.

The wind tugged at my body, trying to wrench me free, the sea roared and howled mere feet below me, and I felt more alive than I'd ever imagined I could.

It was stupid, it was insane _and I was laughing the whole time._

"HAHAHA!" I laughed at the top of my lungs. "WE'RE IN! _WE'RE IN!"_

" _ **BANZAI! BANZAI!"**_ Soundbite guffawed in agreement as he held on for dear life.

A second later, Nami suddenly shouted and pointed ahead. "Look!" she exclaimed with a massive grin. "We're going through the clouds!"

And so we were: Further in and further up the mountain, piercing through the roof of the heavens until at last we broke through and came within sight of the peak, the very roof of the world.

It was... indescribable. The waters of four oceans, the world itself, colliding into a singular point, foam spraying up and dissipating into mist before it all rumbled down a singular channel.

Within moments, we were on it: the Merry jumped and, for a brief moment, she flew once more, the force of the water spinning her around to face the only possible way out.

As we started to fall, I looked over my shoulder and stared into the clouds that obscured the mountainside. For a brief moment, I imagined that I could see it, that I could just catch a _glimpse_ of it. The throne of the King of the Pirates, the final destination, the promised island.

Raftel.

I swallowed heavily as a massive grin split my face. ' _There's the finish line...'_

"I CAN SEE IT!" Luffy cheered. "THE GRAND LINE!"

I snapped my head around as the Merry hit the downward-flowing channel, and I saw what he saw. A lot of it was obscured in clouds, but it was there, there was no denying it: a field of blue that married the horizon, roiling and churning and roaring in welcome.

My grin widened even further. ' _And there's the start.'_

As we fell down the mountainside, picking up speed, I couldn't help but feel I was forgetting something. But at this point, I officially couldn't care less, and didn't even _try_ to restrain my reaction as we soared down the world's largest waterslide.

"HAHAHA!" I barked wildly, hanging over the edge of the abyss. "THIS IS AWESOME! I LOVE YOU GUYS! I LOVE YOU ALL SO FREAKING MUCH!"


	6. Chapter 6

### Chapter 6: Laboon's Promise! We Will Meet Once Again!

### Chapter Text

" _...oooohhh..."_

I blinked as a faint warbling sound rippled through the air, jerking me out of my laughter. "The heck...?"

"You heard it too?" Zoro called up to me.

"Good chance of it being the wind," Nami shrugged indifferently. "The rock formations around here _are_ pretty unusual."

"I'm not so sure about that..." I frowned slightly, wracking my brain. That noise was... familiar... where had I...? "Soundbite, could you-?"

Soundbite mimicked a rewinding cassette for a second before finally...

" _...wwwooooh..."_

I cocked an eyebrow at the replay. "That... was a _lot_ clearer than I remember."

Soundbite's skin became a shade of gray more ashen than his usual gunmetal as the blood drained from his face. "THAT _wasn't_ **ME!"** he yelped.

I snapped my eyes to the snail in disbelief. "Ex _cuse_ me!?"

" _...wwwooooOOOOHHH..."_

I shuddered as the sound came again, this time a full factor louder. That was really, really, _really_ familiar...

"Hey!" Usopp called down from where he was hanging onto the mainmast's yardarm, pulling down one of the lenses of his goggles in curiosity. "I think there's something up ahead!"

"Yeah!" Sanji concurred, pointing at the mists dead ahead of us. "It looks like a mountain!"

"Huh?" Nami blinked in confusion. "That can't be right, all that's supposed to be past here is the Twin Capes!"

"Then what the hell do you call that!?" Zoro demanded, pointing at the dark silhouette that was starting to come into view, almost as large as the Red Line itself.

"What the hell!?" Nami blurted in disbelief. "But... that chart was _accurate!_ There _aren't_ any mountains here!"

I narrowed my eyes at the silhouette as I tried to connect the dots. Massive form, smack dab where there should be nothing of the sort. And that noise... I knew that noise, I know I'd heard that noise before. Now if only I could remember _what_ that noise-

" _BWWWWOO_ OOOOOHHHH!"

...Aaaaah _Sea King shite._

"That's no mountain," I whispered numbly.

The crew looked at me in confusion for a second...

"BWWWO **OOOHHHH!"**

" **THAR SHE BLOWS!"** Soundbite cried out.

Before snapping their heads around at the newest reiteration of the noise, the mist finally parting just enough to give us a clear view of what was in our way.

And what a _what_ he was.

"HOLY CRAP, THAT'S A WHALE!" Usopp shrieked in terror.

' _No,'_ I couldn't help but mentally correct Usopp as I stare up at the entity towering before us. ' _That's no whale.'_

And indeed he wasn't. Or at least, he wasn't _just_ a whale. Oda did his best, but he didn't _really_ do Laboon justice. Not his fault, really. It was hard to truly render such a beast with mere pen and paper. He was... I suppose _titan_ would be the most apt word. A massive, dominating form of flesh and blood wrapped in pitch-black skin. He was almost as big as some of the largest creatures we'd seen on the fringes of the Calm Belt, and I was _beyond_ certain that he could - would, judging by the building-sized teeth I could _just_ spy poking out of the corners of his mouth - have eaten some of the smaller ones I'd seen.

To put it simply, Laboon was... well, he was glorious.

He was also going to crush us with his gargantuan frame without moving so much as a muscle.

As we rushed towards the literally _killer_ whale, my crewmates panicking wildly around me, I found myself falling back onto the option my mind found most logical at the moment.

"Pfff..."

I laughed.

"PFFHAHAHA!" I guffawed, barely managing to support myself on the Merry's railing as laugh after laugh after laugh bubbled up and out of my bubbling stomach.

"WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU LAUGHING ABOUT, DUMBASS!?" Nami shrieked as she grabbed me by my collar.

I froze momentarily as the question hit me. Now that I thought about it... why _was_ I laughing? I mean, after all, there was nothing funny about our situation! We were hurtling towards death at speeds almost guaranteed to break every bone in our bodies! This wasn't humorous, this was dangerous! This was fatal! This was abso-freaking-lutely _exhilira-!_... Oooooohhhh...

I plastered a shaky grin on my face as I chuckled nervously. "Ahh... would this be a bad time to inform you that I think I just figured out that I'm an adrenaline junky?"

" _WHAT!?"_

Before I could respond, a massive _BOOM_ shook the ship before we were jerked to a slower pace, throwing us all off our feet.

Nami blinked in confusion as she tried to get her limbs beneath herself. "What the hell was that!?"

Soundbite's eyes twisted around for a second before locking dead ahead. " _Dumbass!"_ he spat out in Nami's voice.

Nami and I followed Soundbite's line of sight... and promptly noticed the trail of smoke wafting upwards.

"THE CANNON!" my crewmates shrieked in horror.

I, however, was more focused on the fact that _Laboon was still coming closer and closer!_

"Yeah!" Luffy called out from beneath the forecastle. "Did it work? Did we stop?"

"Not quite!" I barked out, leaping up and wrapping the rigging around my arm again.

" _BRACE FOR IMPACT!"_ Soundbite hollered.

A second later, we thumped against Laboon's hide. Thankfully, the majority of the impact to the ship was negligible.

_CRACK!_

I winced as Merry's head was snapped not-very-cleanly from her neck. That... not so much.

"This is bad..." Nami whimpered as she held onto Merry's railing for dear life, her eyes halfway devoid of life. "Am I dead?"

"Nooot yet..."

"AAAH! MY SPECIAL SEAT!"

I winced as Luffy's voice bellowed out, filled with equal parts horror and fury. "Give it a minute, though, I'm sure you won't have to wait long."

"We're not waiting, period!"

"OOMPH!" I wheezed as Zoro tossed one of Merry's oars at me, with Usopp quickly helping me pick it up.

"Come on!" he ordered as Sanji helped him lower the other oar into the water. "Let's get out of here before that thing reacts!"

"Seriously!" Usopp yelped as he jerked the oar into motion alongside me. "Is this thing so big that it didn't notice a freaking _cannon_ firing into it or is it just slow!?"

"I think it's more the former than the latter!" I grunted as I alternated between pushing and pulling the wooden stick. "After all, from my experience? The intelligence of animals can seriously surprise you at times!"

" **REPRESENT!"** Soundbite nodded firmly.

"After all, you'd expect a snail that can speak to have at least _half_ a braincell..."

" _OI!"_

"HEY! LISTEN UP!"

We all froze as Luffy's voice bellowed out.

Apparently Laboon noticed as well, if the way his body sunk down into the water _just_ enough so that his gargantuan eye could loom over us.

Nami swallowed heavily as she eyed our captain nervously. "Luffy..." she attempted to placate him desperately. "I realize you might be angry, but that thing's a _million_ times your weight. Whatever you do, _don't_ do anything stupid-!"

"BASTARD!" Luffy hollered, snapping his arm out and _punching_ square into the center of Laboon's cornea.

" _LIKE THAT, YOU MORON!"_ the rest of the crew shrieked.

"You can't _seriously_ be surprised by this..." I sighed with a weary grin.

If I had to guess, though, Laboon almost certainly was if the way his pupil jerked down to stare dead at us was anything to go by.

"He's noticed us..." Nami choked out.

"AND I'LL MAKE HIM NOTICE US EVEN MORE!" Luffy roared.

"SHUT UP, DUMBASS!" Zoro and Usopp ordered as they tackled him and started doing their utmost best to keep him quiet.

I made to say something... and froze as I caught sight of Laboon twitching slightly. "I think that might be too little too late!"

" **BWWWOOOOHHHH!"**

As if to prove me right, Laboon suddenly _moved,_ his mass shifting far faster than anything even half his size had a right to move as he twisted his head around and snapped his open, allowing a veritable waterfall-worth of water to cascade down his throat.

I cursed as the Merry suddenly jerked forwards. Correction, a waterfall-worth of water and _us!_

"Hold onto something!" I cried, one hand clutching Soundbite to my chest while my other twisted itself into the rigging as tight as it could go.

" _WAAAAH!"_ Luffy cried in panic as the Merry's deck suddenly bucked just a _tad_ too hard, throwing Luffy well clear off our ship and to parts unknown. " _I'M GONNA FALL IN!"_

" _WHAT THE HELL DID I JUST SAY!?"_

"LOOK OUT!" Usopp screamed in terror. "WE'RE GOING DOWN!"

And indeed, down we went. Down and down and down, twisting and swaying and swinging every which way there _was_ to swing. It was like the world's most absolutely insane rollercoaster. It was pitch-black, it was wild, and it out and out _reeked._

Finally, the Merry hit a steady downward slide. It was uncontrolled, yes, but at least we weren't in danger of going overboard every other second anymore.

I panted heavily as I fought to get some air back in my lungs, and my legs beneath my body. "Sou-!" I panted for a second before slapping Soundbite onto my shoulder and tapping his shell. " **Sound off!"**

"Here."

"Hey."

"I'll live."

"I think I've got 'I'm-terrified-beyond-all-belief' disease..."

"Right there with you..." I twisted my head around wearily, trying to spy anything in the pitch-black darkness. "Anybody have any idea where we are? Beyond the obvious, I mean."

" **Can't see shit, cap'n!"**

"CRAP! Luffy! Where's Luffy!?"

"Last I saw he was being thrown overboard," I supplied. "Buuut I wouldn't worry. Anyone else and I'd say they were sinking to a tea party with Davy Jones. Him? Ten berries says he's making his way down this thing's blowhole and he'll meet up with us sooner or later."

"I'll take that action!"

"You have _no_ shame, do you, witch?"

"DON'T CALL NAMI-SWAN A-!"

"Uh, guys?"

" _WHAT!?"_

"We're not dead yet, right?"

"I'm not sporting wings and a halo, so no."

"The hell makes you think _you're_ going up there, snailmail?"

"Pff, compared to you and most people on these seas? I'm a freaking saint! Er, the literal kind, not the batshit evil inbred kind."

"Oh, screw-!"

"So we're still alive, yeah?"

"Yes, Usopp, we're still alive!"

"Then could someone explain the light at the end of the tunnel?"

We all turned towards the approximate direction of the aft and caught sight of the bright light illuminating the darkness. A bright light that was coming up _fast._

"Hold on!" I barked out.

And with that, Merry splashed down into the light, the suddenly even water killing our momentum and bringing us to a firm and final halt.

We slowly clambered to our feet, looking around in order to catch sight of our surroundings... and promptly staring in disbelief.

"Uh... guys?" I squeaked numbly.

" _ **You seeing what I'm seein'?!"**_ Soundbite demanded.

"That depends..." Nami said slowly, her tone _very_ carefully neutral. "Are you seeing the big blue sky after we got swallowed by a whale, not to mention an island with a palm tree and house on it?"

"Yup." Zoro, Usopp and Sanji nodded solemnly.

"Ah..." Nami nodded stiffly. "Then there are two possibilities: one, we've all gone batshit insane."

I proceeded to give Nami a _look._

"...point. Alright, in that case... yeah, I've got nothing."

"Never thought I'd see the day..." I mused to myself as I looked around. I racked my brain as I tried to recall the exact details of what had happened around now, cursing my past self for passing up the chance to reread the series when I had it. "Well, at any rate... maybe we actually _are_ in the belly of the whale? The walls could be painted or something."

Zoro stared at me in disbelief. "You _can't_ be serious."

I slapped a hand to my chest and raised my hand towards the pseudo-sky. "May a Sea King strike me down should I lie!"

SPLASH! "GRAAAOOOO!"

"AAAAAGH! SEA KING!"

Oh, riiiight.

Faced with the titan-sized serving of fresh calamari that was barreling towards me, my mind promptly stalled against my will, causing me to blurt out the first thing that came to mind.

"May the Sea King be struck down should I lie!"

TH-TH-THUNK!

I blinked in surprise as a trio of harpoons burst out from between the Titan Squid's eyes, causing it to twitch once, twice, three times before it slowly collapsed backwards, its blood and ink staining the stomach acid.

I stared at the scene in shock before snapping my gaze upwards. "May a billion berries fall from the sky should I lie!"

Nothing.

I scowled in disappointment. "Seriously? What omnipotent being worth their divine salt doesn't do things in threes!?"

" **RIPOFF!"** Soundbite concurred.

"What the hell kind of place is this?!" Nami sobbed miserably.

"I wanna go ho-o-ome!" Usopp concurred.

"Cram it, peanut gallery," Zoro growled as he clicked one of his swords out of its sheath _ever_ so slightly. "We're not alone."

"Here's hoping they're human," Sanji smirked as he puffed out a plume of smoke.

We all tensed as the door to the house _slowly_ edged itself open, allowing someone... _mostly_ human to step out. I mean, old and humanoid Crocus might have appeared, but seriously, there was no way in hell that stuff on his head was hair. Then again, considering where I was...

"Is that... _actually_ a human!?" Usopp blinked in disbelief.

"Could be a flower-man," I shrugged. "I mean, seriously, between the minks, the fish/mer-folk and the long-limb tribes, I wouldn't put it past this world."

"Well, whatever he is, don't let your guard down," Zoro growled as he tightened his grip on his katana. "He just took down a Sea King-size squid like it was nothing."

"Mm..." Sanji mused nervously. "Chances are, either he just saved us... or he was fishing. Which make me wonder... what does he have in store for us?"

Almost in response, Crocus snapped his eyes up to glare at us. We all tensed furiously as his eyes peered into us, another thing Oda's pen simply couldn't fully capture. I think I finally understood how a simple doctor managed to get someone with the name of D., much less _any_ of the Pirate King's crewmates, to sit down long enough for halfway-decent treatment: by terrifying the ever-loving _shit_ out of them.

And so... we waited.

We waited.

And waited.

And waited...

Until finally...

Crocus sunk into a lawnchair and flipped open a newspaper.

"WILL YOU SAY SOMETHING ALREADY!?" Sanji roared indignantly.

Crocus cocked an eyebrow at the outburst, but before he could respond, Usopp barked up... from the Merry's kitchen. "H-H-HEY! Y-YOU LOOKING FOR A FIGHT?! B-BECAUSE I'M WARNING YOU, WE'VE GOT A CANNON!"

"And yet our sniper isn't even anywhere close to manning it," I noted flatly.

Crocus seemed to twitch as his glare redoubled. "Forget it. If you do that... someone's gonna die."

Without warning, the _glare_ was well and truly back.

And so... we waited.

We waited.

And waited.

And waited...

Until finally...

"Oh yeah?" Sanji said, breaking the silence with a convincing amount of bravado, though I could see sweat bead on his forehead. "And who would that be?"

"Me."

"LISTEN, YOU-!" Sanji snapped, putting one foot on the railing of Merry as if to launch himself at Crocus.

Thankfully, Zoro placed a hand on Sanji's shoulder, halting him in place. Good thing too; while I doubt Crocus would be capable of stopping a cannonball as he was, a no-name East Blue cook like Sanji would most likely be no problem.

"No need to get angry, alright?" our first mate smirked, no doubt revelling in Sanji's loss of control. "Listen, old man, we've got some questions for you: who are you, and where the heck are we?"

Crocus snapped a _glare_ to the swordsman, freezing us all in place.

And so... we waited.

We waited.

And waited.

And waited...

Until finally...

"Young man..." he growled. "Isn't it impolite to demand questions of others _before_ you introduce yourself?"

Zoro swallowed heavily as he fought to steady his nerve, plastering an apologetic grin on his face. "Y-yeah, good point. Sorry about that. I'll start: my name is-"

"My name is Crocus," the old doctor interrupted, his tone not shifting so much as a decibel the entire time. "I am the keeper of the Twin Capes Lighthouse. I'm 71 and a half years old, Gemini, my blood type is AB, and my favorite food is-"

"I'M GONNA CHOP HIM UP!" Zoro snapped in an almost identical manner to Sanji, Wado Ichimonji halfway out of its sheath.

"Calm down, he was just answering," I rolled my eyes with a snigger as I clapped a hand down on his shoulder. Soundbite was barely restraining his laughter as it was.

"So you want to know where you are, hm?" Crocus suddenly asked out of the blue. "A logical question, but your rude disposition is making me disinclined to accommodate you. You invade my private resort and act like a bunch of big-shots? Hmph! Besides, I'd think your current location to be rather obvious, considering how hard it is to miss the front door!"

Usopp paled in horror. "Y-y-you mean we're _really_ in that whale's stomach!?"

" _But I don't want to be digested!"_ Nami wailed miserably.

Without warning, Crocus's _glare_ came back at full force and we found ourselves frozen stiff.

And so... we waited.

We waited.

And waited.

And waited...

Until finally...

" _WILL YOU STOP DOING THAT!?"_ my crewmates shrieked, their nerves appearing to override their terror.

"Geeze, guys, lighten up, would you?" I sighed as I dug a finger in my ear. _Damn_ they could be loud sometimes. "Can't you appreciate a decent running gag?"

" _THAT WAS A GAG!?"_

Soundbite roared and hollered with laughter as he swung his head side to side on my shoulder. " **HI-** _LARIOUS!"_

"At least the boy and his snail have a decent sense of humor!" Crocus sniffed.

"Eighteen, just for the record!"

"Whatever you say, brat."

At least I tried…

"Anyways... if you and yours want out, that's fine by me. The exit's right over there." And with that, Crocus jabbed his thumb at the pair of doors embedded into the horizon.

"Wait, what!?" Nami yelped in shock. "What's an _exit_ doing inside a whale's stomach!? And... why is it on the sky in the first place?"

"Noooot quite." I shrugged. "Really now, Nami. I'm quite surprised you didn't realize it in the first place. It's soooo obvious."

"Huh?" Nami blinked at me in confusion.

"Wait..." Usopp squinted at the 'sky'. "I think I see what he's getting at! Look! The clouds! T-they're not moving! They really _are_ painted!"

"Aaaaand there's no wind blowing either. Really, Nami..." I shook my head with a sigh. "I'm quite shocked you didn't realize it sooner. It should have been _obvious_. For a great navigator such as you, anyways."

Nami stammered messily for a moment before looking away with a huff and an iridescent blush. "So I got freaked out and wasn't paying attention. 's not a big deal... _OH SHUT UP!"_ _That_ particular roar was directed at Soundbite as he cackled madly.

"But still, the clouds!" Usopp reiterated, gesturing at our surroundings. "Why the hell are they up there!?"

"It's... a hobby." Crocus informed us flatly.

"Makes sense." I nodded firmly.

" _It's only healthy!"_ Soundbite confirmed.

"ARE YOU ALL OUT OF YOUR MINDS!?" Usopp demanded.

"We can deal with their brand of crazy later!" Zoro barked, slapping his hand down on Usopp's shoulder. "For now, let's get out of here before anything else happens!"

" _ **BWWWOOOOHHHH!"**_

Without warning, Laboon's stomach all but literally _jumped,_ his stomach acid flipping and jostling madly.

"Like _that!"_

Crocus shook his head with a despondent sigh. "And there he goes again..."

I grunted as I supported myself on the Merry's railing. Sea legs I might have, but this was out and out ridiculous. I really, _really_ hope that things even out soon, or else I'm going to wind up swabbing my own puke off of Merry's-!

" **Sad!"**

I blinked as Soundbite suddenly spoke up. "Say what?"

" **Sad!** SO _sad!"_ the baby transponder snail lamented with a shiver.

"You're only just now figuring that out?" I asked in confusion.

Soundbite shuddered and shook his head furiously. "NO! **Wasn't** _listening BEFORE!_ Too SCARED! _Listening_ _ **NOW!**_ And _sad!_ SO **sad!** _ **Sad-sad-sad-sad-sad!"**_

Crocus sniffed heavily. "That snail's got a good sense of hearing. Currently the whale we're inside is ramming his head against the Red Line out of despair."

"What!?" Zoro and Sanji gasped in disbelief.

"I guess that would explain the amount of scars on this guy's head..." Nami mused sadly. "And even I could hear the misery in his cries."

" _WORSE!"_ Soundbite shook his head even harder. " **Worse** THAN _you_ **can** _ **IMAGINE! PAIN! MISERY! SUFF-**_ **E-** RING!"

"And you're the reason why, aren't you?" Nami snapped her attention around to Crocus furiously. "You're in here to kill the whale from the inside!"

"Now _that_ I doubt," I cut in swiftly. "Look around you: we're in the dead center of this guy's gut, and presumably Old Man Crocus over there has been in here for even longer. Considering what he did to that squid, I imagine he'd be able to play whatever merry hell he wanted to on this poor whale's insides with his bare hands, much less those harpoons. If he actually meant it any harm, he'd have done it by now. No..." I looked at the old doctor contemplatively. "That's not even remotely your purpose here, is it?"

Crocus didn't respond, merely cocking an eyebrow as he stared up at me, what appeared to be a glimmer of respect in his gaze.

"We can figure that all out later!" Zoro snarled as he and Sanji moved to grab up the oars that had been rattling across the deck in the midst of the chaos. "Right now, we need to try and get to the exit before we capsize!"

"Easier said than done!" Sanji grunted. "This sloshing's making it damn near impossible to steer!"

"Well _try_ , damn it! Otherwise-!"

SPLASH!

"Hey!" Usopp yelped. "That old guy just dove in!"

And indeed, Crocus was no longer on the island. Instead, he was a blurry form in the off-color acid, swimming straight towards the doors that marked our only way out.

"Looks like he's heading for the exit too, huh?" Usopp muttered. "I guess he wants to leave before this crazy whale kills him too!"

"Now if he were willing to up and leave like that, why would he go to all the trouble of setting up a home in this guy's stomach?" I questioned.

"I... uhhh..."

Before Usopp could formulate a response, Laboon let loose another warbling moan before settling down, the acidic tsunamis subsiding to little more than mere swells.

"Well, that's quite a bit better. He must be pulling back for another run," I noted calmly.

"Whatever is going on, I couldn't care less! Let's row for safety, now!" Zoro ordered.

And indeed, we did just that. We rowed and rowed, coming within a hundred feet of the exit to Laboon's gut...

KA-BAM!

"WAAAAGH!"

When suddenly a smaller door on the gates burst open, spraying out quite the odd trio: a man pretending to be a prince, a princess pretending to be a mercenary-slash-bountyhunter, and a pirate destined to be the ruler of the seas.

Quite honestly, I felt like there was a joke in there somewhere.

Zoro blinked as Luffy flew over us. "Well I'll be damned. Looks like you were right, Cross."

I started to nod in agreement... before slapping a hand to my face as a thought struck me. "Ahhh _damn it!"_

"Huh? What's wrong?" Nami asked.

"I just realized! I could have asked for a _thousand_ berries!"

Nami blinked in confusion for a second... before scowling and ramming a hand into her pocket. "Yeah yeah, I get the message..."

I grinned cheekily as she slapped the bill into my waiting palm. "Pleasure doing business with ya!"

" _Thank you, call again!"_ Soundbite chirped in a faux-indian accent.

"Hey! As much as I appreciate you helping me get one over on the witch, mind giving me a hand here?" Zoro called as he hauled on a rope that was cast overboard. "You know, before our captain either drowns or gets digested?"

A quick moment of hustle and bustle later, made easier by the fact that Laboon _finally_ calmed down, and we had one familiar face and two strangers on board our ship.

"So you guys are still alive, huh?" Luffy grinned. "That's nice!"

"Good to see you too, Luffy!" I smiled at my captain before directing my attention towards his two 'friends' with a frown, knocking them out of their hushed conversation. "And I see you brought guests with you. I don't suppose either of you would be inclined to share your name with us, would you?"

Quite predictably, both Miss Wednesday and Mr. 9 averted their eyes with a huff.

"Hmph. I was afraid of that. Well, in that case, I suppose I'll just need to borrow _these,_ won't I?"

The Frontier Agents tensed and made to stop me as I slid the cannons they'd been clutching since we'd dragged them out of the acid out of their reach. However, before either of them could protest, they were frozen by the _shink_ of a blade - Wado Ichimonji, most likely - sliding partway out of its sheath.

I whistled as I leaned down to examine what had to be about half my body mass in pure gun. "Damn... this is some _nice_ hardware; I'm not an artillery expert and even _I_ can tell that." I gave them an accusing glare. "Mind telling me who or what you want to die in a blaze of high-explosive glory?"

Before either of the agents could respond in any manner, a very loud, very familiar and very cantankerous voice bellowed out from behind us.

"AS LONG AS I LIVE!" Crocus roared indignantly. "YOU WILL NEVER HARM LABOON!"

"Huh?" Luffy blinked in confusion. "Who's he?"

"That would be Old Man Crocus," I supplied. "From what I can tell, he's a guy who lives here in the stomach of the whale that swallowed us. A whale whose name I'm guessing..."

I slammed my foot down on the bazooka's grip moments before Mr. 9 could grab it.

"Is Laboon."

Soundbite loosed a vicious growl that was equal parts doberman and german shepard, prompting the agents to reel back in terror.

"C-come now!" Mr. 9 reasoned desperately. "It's just whaling! Y-you're pirates, surely we can come to an understanding, no?"

I cocked an eyebrow as I gave the man a decidedly unimpressed look. "Back where I'm from, whaling is a _pretty_ hefty crime. Besides the fact that it's damn amoral, I mean. But hey, I'm just the Comms Officer. What say you, captain?"

Luffy was silent as he examined the two, looking them up and down for a moment before speaking. "You two came in here so that you could shoot this whale in the stomach, where he couldn't even defend himself?"

Mr. 9 and Miss Wednesday glanced at each other for a moment before grinning and nodding eagerly.

WHAM!

The crew and I reeled in shock as Luffy's fists lashed out and bounced the pair's skulls off the Merry's railing.

Luffy crossed his arms with a snort. "They had it coming." He nodded firmly.

" _Sca~ary,"_ Soundbite whispered.

"And don't you forget it..." I whispered right back.

A few minutes later, we were making our way out of Laboon's stomach and away from his acid, with Crocus hitching a ride in order to show us the way out and with Miss Wednesday and Mr. 9 tied back to back and leaned against the Merry's mast.

"Laboon is an Island Whale," Crocus explained tiredly, glaring darkly at the pair of would-be assassins. "They're the largest species of whales in the world, and they live exclusively in the West Blue. These jokers," he jutted his chin forwards with a sniff. "Live in a nearby village. They claim that they want to kill Laboon for his meat, on account of how it could feed them for a few years with him alone."

Luffy gave Crocus a flat look. "That's just stupid. This guy could only feed them for three weeks, tops."

I gave Luffy a flat look. "Your answer terrifies me beyond all belief for _so_ many reasons."

"Regardless, I'm not going to give you or anyone else the chance to find out," Crocus spat.

"Why do you care so much about this whale anyways?" Zoro asked bluntly. He then proceeded to grunt he was suddenly smacked upside the back of his head. "OW! The hell was that for, you two!?"

"For being an ass!" Nami growled.

"Seriously, man, learn some tact," I shook my head firmly.

" _BRUTE!"_ Soundbite sniffed.

"Coming from you? That's rich."

"Regardless of how rude the question might have been, I suppose it's a fair one..." Crocus bowed his head with a sigh. "I'll start at the beginning. You see... there's a reason that Laboon keeps pounding his head against the Red Line and crying at Reverse Mountain. I've been this lighthouse's keeper for awhile now. One day, a friendly group of pirates came down Reverse Mountain, and right behind them was a little baby whale. Laboon."

"A pirate crew with a whale as a pet? Now I've heard it all," Usopp whistled.

"First, we've only _just_ gotten on the Grand Line. And second?" I pointed at Soundbite. "It's not like we have much room to talk."

Crocus chuckled as he looked our snail over. "Yes... Pirate crews can come across the most interesting of companions. These pirates had been travelling with Laboon for several years by then. They'd intended to leave Laboon behind in the West Blue because they knew that the Grand Line was dangerous, that Laboon wouldn't survive. But... they didn't take into account that Laboon had adopted them as its pod, so it followed them here."

The lighthouse keeper smiled wistfully as he relived his age-old memories. "Their ship was damaged in the crossing, as most big ships are. They stayed here for several months as they made repairs, and I became good friends with both them and Laboon. And then, when they left, their captain asked me to care for Laboon for a few years, at least until they came back. They said that they would circumnavigate the world and come back... so Laboon and I agreed to wait here together."

"So the reason he keeps banging against the Red Line and crying-?" Nami asked slowly.

Crocus shook his head slowly. "Not... quite. You see... Laboon's friends left just about fifty years ago."

Even knowing it was coming, I could barely restrain my wince.

"But nonetheless... Laboon still thinks his crew is coming back."

We lapsed into an uncomfortable silence for a bit until Luffy decided to be Luffy, looking around at the corridor we were in for a second before whistling in awe. "You know, this place is kind of cool, old man! Did you build it?"

"Lemme guess, another hobby?" Usopp deadpanned.

Crocus chuckled sardonically. "A hobby? Yes, I suppose so. A doctor's hobby. I may not look it, but I used to be a physician, long ago. I was even a ship's doctor for a few years. Ahh, those were the days..."

"Wow, you were a ship's doctor?!" Luffy grinned eagerly. "Cool! Hey, what about joining my crew as our doctor?"

My eyebrows shot up in shock as Crocus seemed to undergo a momentary heart attack, paling and tensing suddenly as though he'd just seen a ghost before swiftly bringing his reactions back under control. I barely managed to repress a grin; the collective Will of D. was no doubt alive and well, but there was no question as to who had inherited Roger's, that was for sure.

Nevertheless, Crocus snorted and looked away dismissively. "Me? Act as a doctor for a bunch of reckless whippersnappers like you at my age? The mere idea is ridiculous."

Before Luffy could make to press the point, we were forced to stop our forward motion as we came up to a large gateway. Without missing a beat, Crocus jumped off the ship and started climbing a ladder that led to a walkway that lined the corridor.

"Are doctors living inside whales common on the Grand Line?" Nami asked semi-seriously.

"Ha!" Crocus barked out a laugh. "Not common, no, but I'm far from the oddest thing you'll see. I didn't have much choice in the remodelling, anyways. Laboon got too big and my treatments weren't doing anything from the outside, so I had to improvise." The old man let out a grunt as he started to turn a large wheel. "Careful now, I'm opening the floodgates."

With a grinding _KLANG,_ the gates shifted open, allowing us to flow out in a flood of seawater and body fluids I did _not_ want to identify.

"Woohoo! The real sky! Finally!" Luffy whooped.

However, our joy was cut down slightly by the sound of Miss Wednesday and Mr. 9 groaning and stirring as they came around from their Luffy-grade naps.

"So what should we do with these clowns?" Zoro asked grimly.

"Personally?" Crocus said as he got back onboard. "I advocate throwing them overboard."

"With or without the ropes?" I queried sarcastically.

"Oh don't be an idiot." Nami rolled her eyes as she undid the pair's binds. "Zoro, if you'd be so kind?"

The swordsman promptly complied, grabbing the two by their collars and tossing them into the sea.

After a moment of flailing, cursing, and rampant vengeance-swearing, the pair proceeded to swim away and out of sight.

"Ahh... Miss Wednesday, hmm?" Sanji swooned as he _somehow_ blew hearts of smoke. "There's nothing more romantic than a woman of mystery."

"You do realize this 'woman of mystery' was toting a high-calibre cannon and most likely wouldn't think twice about snapping you like a twig, right?" I deadpanned.

"Ahhh, but what a way to die..."

" **Deathwish,"** Soundbite intoned flatly.

"Tell me about it..." I rolled my eyes.

"Ooh, hey, what's this?" Luffy asked as he looked over a very _particular_ item that the pair had dropped.

"Yoink!" I jerked the Log Pose out of my Captain's hand.

"Hey!" Luffy whined.

"It looks fragile," I shrugged. "You don't wanna break it, do you?"

"Mmm..." Luffy pouted, but thankfully dropped the issue.

"Should we really let them go if they plan on trying again?" Nami questioned uneasily.

Crocus scoffed as he watched them leave. "It doesn't matter what we do, there will always be more whalers. Besides, I've got more than enough practice and Laboon is tough. We'll be fine."

As Laboon reeled himself up and started wailing at the Red Line, we relocated ourselves up onto the cliffs of the Red Line, at the base of one of the lighthouses.

"So..." Luffy mused as he relaxed against a rock outcropping. "He's been waiting fifty years for his crew, and he still thinks they're coming back for him. Man, those guys have kept him waiting for a long time... I hope they get back soon."

I shook my head with a tsk. "Sorry to tell you this, Cap, but I've read this kind of story a dozen times over. It's not one that has a happy ending."

"Yeah," Sanji agreed, taking a puff of his cigarette. "They said they'd take a few years. It's been fifty. Do the math." He grimaced, before continuing. "They're dead. He'll be waiting until the end of time."

"How can you two be so cynical!?" Usopp demanded in a huff. "You can't know that, they could still come back! This is a heartbreaking enough story as it is! Sure, they've been stalled-!"

"I'm afraid," Crocus said solemnly. "That the truth is even harsher than what you assume, and given the chance I'd make it a reality. But the fact is, those pirates fled the Grand Line. I have it from a reliable source."

"They abandoned the poor whale?" Nami demanded, incredulous. "But to do that, they'd have to pass through the Calm Belt!"

"Precisely. Which is why no one knows their fate." Crocus sighed heavily, seeming even older than his years. "Even in this day and age, as well explored as the world is, there are still mysteries on the Grand Line that defy human comprehension. It may very well be that they're still alive, but even then I doubt they'd be able to return. On these seas, nothing is ever 'normal'. Those with weak hearts all too often succumb to the Grand Line."

"So those with weak hearts cared more for their own lives than the promise they made to their crewmate," Sanji huffed morosely through another cloud.

"Then... then they _did_ abandon that poor whale!?" Usopp demanded harshly.

"Not necessarily!" I hastily defended. "I mean, come on: the Grand Line is _legitimately_ insane, and the rest of the time it's just the regular kind of homicidal. Crocus, did these guys seem like oathbreakers or weak-hearted men to you?"

Crocus blew out a firm snort. "Hell no, they were strong, kind men who never once stopped smiling and laughing the whole time they were with me, and when they left they cried their eyes out at the prospect of leaving Laboon behind."

"Then their leaving might not have been anywhere close to voluntary!" I defended. "They could have been desperate, left with no choice, any number of options. But... in the end..." I shrugged helplessly. "If they _are_ dead... let's not speak ill of them without all the facts, alright?"

Usopp considered this for a moment before nodding slowly. "Yeah... yeah, alright. I can do that."

"But still..." Nami looked at Crocus questioningly. "Why didn't you tell Laboon the truth? I mean, he can understand human speech by now, so...?"

"Oh, I told him alright..." Crocus sighed grimly. "But Laboon... he just wouldn't listen."

"What do you-?"

"The day I told Laboon, he went mad with grief." The old man looked up at the wailing whale miserably. "He started to cry at Reverse Mountain and slam his head into the Red Line, over and over again."

"It makes sense..." I mused sadly. "He's putting all the blame on the closest target he has available that's not you. He doesn't want to believe they'd abandon him, so he's rationalizing that they're on the other side of the Mountain waiting for him. It's that or... accept reality."

"Mmm..." Crocus hummed as he nodded in agreement. "I've tried explaining it to him over and over again, but he refuses to accept the truth."

"Damn... that's some whale..." Sanji breathed in awe.

"But... but he's waiting for nothing!" Nami protested, albeit weakly.

Crocus shrugged helplessly. "It doesn't matter; he refuses to listen to what I say. Either he's gone partway mad with grief or it's simple teenage rebellion. In the end, it really doesn't matter: He's too scared. Scared of losing his reason to wait, scared of losing the hope he's held onto for so long. His home is in the West Blue, and he has no easy way home from here. Those pirates... they _were_ his home."

"Damn... can't help but feel bad for the poor guy..." Sanji mused with a tug from his cigarette before glancing at Crocus. "But still... After all these years, why do you bother still taking care of him?"

Crocus was silent for a moment as he stared upwards contemplatively. It was during this moment of silence that I noticed our captain had gone suspiciously missing from the rock he'd been sitting on until a second ago. I twitched slightly as I made a guess as to just what my superior was planning. Praying I was wrong, I flicked Soundbite's shell in order to get his attention as I surreptitiously slipped my headphones over my ears.

"Connect me to Luffy," I hissed.

Soundbite blinked up at me in confusion before shrugging as much as he was capable. A second later, an electronic whine hummed through my ears, followed swiftly by Luffy's voice. " _Mmm hmm, this oughta do nicely!"_

"Uh, cap'n?" I hissed pleadingly. "Would you care to fill me in on what you're planning?"

" _Hm? Oh, hey Cross! Nothin' much, I'm just gonna shove the Merry's mast into Laboon so that I can get his attention."_

I twitched further, meeting Soundbite's panicked gaze head-on. Yup, I was right. "I don't suppose there's anything I can do to dissuade you from this _monumentally_ stupid course of action, is there? Like suggesting you use something _else_ as a weapon? Such as, say... the lighthouse itself?"

" _Mmm... naaaah, it wouldn't work as well. It's fine, Usopp can fix the mast. Besides, Merry's strong! She can take it!"_

I barely refrained from cracking my skull against the nearest boulder. Yeah, should have seen _that_ coming. "Alright then... Can I at least convince you to use the _mizzen_ mast, instead of the main one?"

" _Uh...?"_

"The _smaller_ one. It's not as big as the main mast, but it oughta still get the point across, and, more importantly, with any luck it'll hurt Merry a _lot_ less."

" _Huh... good idea! Thanks! Well, I'm gonna stab a whale in the head! See ya!"_

Before I could respond, Crocus finally broke his silence. "Look at the scars on Laboon's forehead." He gestured upwards, indicating the patchwork of unhealthily-off-colored flesh that decorated his body. "I won't bore you with the details, but suffice to say that Laboon's injuries run deep. Our relationship is odd, but I've watched over him for the past fifty years. I am a doctor and Laboon is not only my patient, but also my friend. I cannot, in my right mind, stand by and watch him die."

"RAAAAAAH!"

We were jerked out of the rather morose observation by the sound of a familiar individual roaring at the top of his lungs.

Each and every last one of us blinked in numb surprise as Luffy ran up Laboon's side, a very large and very familiar pole of wood hefted upon his shoulder.

"Dare I even _ask_ what that moron's doing?" Sanji groaned.

"You take your eyes off of him for one second..." Zoro shook his head with a sigh.

"In my defense," I piped up wearily. "I _did_ try and stop him. It could have been a _lot_ worse."

"What the hell are you-?" Usopp started before choking as he _really_ looked at the pole Luffy was carrying. "Is that Merry's mizzen mast?" he squeaked out weakly.

"Be glad I was able to talk him out of using the main."

"GUM-GUM!" Luffy roared as he reached Laboon's top, raising the mast high above his head before _ramming_ it into the whale's flesh. "BOUQUET!"

We all stared up in numb horror at the _monumentally_ stupid action our captain had just undertaken.

"God _damn it,_ Luffy," Nami summarized succinctly.

The next instant, Laboon went very, _very_ still, his entire body twitching for a moment until finally...

" _ **BWAAAAHHHH!"**_ The whale bellowed, flailing about madly.

" _WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING, DUMBASS!?"_ Nami, Sanji, Zoro and Crocus roared furiously.

" _ARE YOU TRYING TO SINK OUR SHIP!?"_ Usopp shrieked.

" **RIDE 'EM COWBOY! YEEHAW!"** Soundbite cackled

"IF YOU LET GO, DO A FLIP!" I called up. I then cocked an eyebrow at the venomous look my crewmates shot me. "What? He's my captain, I'm trying to be supportive. Is that so wrong?"

Before anyone could respond, Laboon's roars faded down into a gut-rumbling growl as he proceeded to eye the Red Line in a way I _didn't_ like.

"Guys?" I squeaked. "I don't know about you, but I suggest we..."

Laboon suddenly _shifted_ again, charging head-and-Luffy-first at us.

"RUN!" I promptly turned tail and bolted as far away from the coast as I could manage.

When Laboon made landfall, it was as though an earthquake had hit the Red Line, flinging us all off our feet.

I huffed in pain as I slammed into the rock, and the second I realized that I wasn't in danger of death by whale... I doubled over in laughter. "Pffff _hahahahahaaaa!"_ I wheezed out madly. "Hooooly _shit_ that was close!"

" _ **Gnaaarly dude!"**_ Soundbite concurred..

As the cackles subsided into giggles, however, I found myself being flipped over onto my back, with Nami clutching me by the collar off my jacket as she yanked me face-to-face with her. The mad look in her eyes did little to help matters.

"What the hell did you mean when you said you were an adrenaline junky!?" Nami hissed, her voice borderline demented.

I chuckled nervously as I plastered a shaky grin on my face. "Ah... see here's the thing: back home in Florida? Every once in awhile my friends and family would convince me to do something really really crazy. Sometimes it was jumping off a high ledge into a lake, other times it was riding a stupidly wild rollercoaster, all kinds of stuff."

Ahhh, the Top Thrill Dragster. Nothing quite gets your heart pumping like going from a flat stop to 120 miles per hour in barely less than four seconds.

A particularly aggravated growl broke me out of my nostalgia. "A-a-anyways, the point is that before I did this crazy stuff, I'd hem and haw out of terror, but the second I actually did it, I'd love the hell out of it and do it over and over and over again! The near death experiences I've suffered in the past twenty-four hours? Terrifying, yes, but they've given me a rush that I've never imagined possible. Sooo... yeah, adrenaline junky: the crazier and more dangerous the situation, the more I'm gonna laugh out of sheer exhilaration." I smiled tentatively. "The things people enjoy, huh?"

Apparently, Nami wasn't quite so happy with my answer. At least, if the way her face was twitching as though she were mere milliseconds from either an aneurism or a psychotic break. "You mean to tell me..." she hissed in a voice that wouldn't be out of place in _Exorcist._ "That the _one_ other sane person on this crew... is literally _addicted_ to flirting with _death itself!?"_

I shivered briefly in the face of Nami's Wrath (and by _Ghandi_ did it deserve to be capitalized) before plastering a desperate grin on my face. "I suppose that this would be the wrong time to quote the Cheshire Cat in saying 'we're all mad here', huh?"

Nami's body flat-out _twitched_ as she snapped a fist back. I clenched my eyes shut in a pre-emptive wince...

"IT'S A DRAW!"

And cracked an eye open as Luffy bellowed without warning.

We turned our attention over to our captain, who was grinning like a loon at a very bemused and slightly bruised Laboon.

"Saved by the bell," I muttered quietly beneath my breath.

THWACK!

My last thoughts were that I wasn't quiet enough, if the fact that Nami suddenly plowed her fist into my face was anything to go by.

After that, darkness.

**-o-**

When I came to, the first thing I saw was Nami and Crocus kneeling over me, Nami with a concerned expression and Crocus with an exasperated one. "How are you feeling, brat?" the old man grunted.

I blinked blearily as I processed the statement for a second before grimacing as the mass of pain that was my face registered. "I'm _alive,_ though whether or not that's _good_ remains to be seen..." I glanced at our navigator curiously. "Since when could you throw a punch?"

" _Never,"_ Nami asserted firmly, her voice filled with worry. "At least, nowhere near well enough to knock a person out for _ten minutes."_

" _WHAT!?"_ I yelped, jerking upright... and promptly regretting the action with a moan as I clutched my throbbing face. "Ooooww... alright, in that case, _what the hell?!_ I've never taken a shot to the face before, sure, but I'd _like_ to think that I'd be capable of walking away from it if it came from someone your size!" I shot a wary glance at Nami. "No offence."

"None taken."

While Crocus mulled over his response, my own mind flew at a mile a minute. I'll admit, I'd expected _some_ level of danger on account of my status as a dimensional alien, sure, but to the degree that I was in danger of a punch from _Nami!?_ I'd hoped to stand side by side with Luffy, not cheer him on from on high!

Finally, Crocus spoke up, snapping me out of his musings. "Answer me this, brat: your arm, when did you hurt it?"

"Huh?" I glanced between my arms in confusion.

"Your _right_ arm, brat. Don't tell me this little thing busted your eardrum too."

"Hey! I didn't knock _you_ out, I still take offence from _that!"_

"And I should care why!?"

While Nami muttered and growled darkly, _I_ rolled up my jacket's sleeve, exposing a stretch of raw flesh that _stung_ quite a bit. "Uh, this? It's a rope burn, I got it about an hour ago when we went down Laboon's throat."

_That_ drew Nami's shocked attention to me. "That's an _hour_ old and you haven't even started healing yet!? Cross, what the hell!?"

"Uh..." I hesitated briefly. "I... take it that's not normal, huh?"

"In my experience, burns like that have usually started to heal up by now and are gone a few hours later as a result," Crocus stated solemnly. "What's _your_ estimate?"

"Ah..." I wracked my mind for a second before conjuring up an estimate. "A... week? Tops? I'm no med student, soo..."

Nami's eye twitched furiously. "Cross, I reiterate: what the _hell!?"_

"Uh..." My mind flew as I tried to conjure an acceptable answer.

Thankfully, I was saved from having to come up with one.

"I think I might have an idea."

I hid my relief as I looked at Crocus, the old doctor scratching his chin in thought.

"Your friend here told me about your home, Florida. It's a hidden nation, right? Small population, I'm guessing, everyone's local, with few to no immigrants?"

"Uh..." I fumbled for a moment before nodding in agreement. "Yeah, that's about right. We don't want anybody we don't want to finding out about us - mum's the word, by the way - so yeah, few to none get in. Why?"

Crocus blew out an exasperated breath as he rolled his eyes. "Does the word 'inbreeding' mean anything to you?"

I made the connection and promptly pounced on the opportunity given to me, slapping a hand to my face as I loosed an embarrassed moan. "Yes, it does. And here I thought we'd been careful enough... Just for the record, I don't care if you're a woman _or_ a senior citizen, if that word manages to make its way to the rest of the crew, I'll put my foot through your digestive tracts. Capiche?"

Nami held her hands up in polite surrender while Crocus merely snorted.

"So anyways... is that it then? I'm gonna die a doomed, brittle man because of defective genes?"

"Nah, you'll be fine." Crocus waved me off. "Considering how you don't have any obvious mutations, the problem's not as severe as you might think. No, if anything, it's more than likely a problem with your nutrition. Deficient crops and livestock and all that. So long as you keep eating fresh food from the Blues and go easy on the salt beef and hardtack, then you should be good."

"Oh thank _god..."_ I slapped a hand to my chest with a relieved sigh.

"Yeah," Nami nodded in agreement before smiling and helping me up to my feet. "Well, at least you got up at the right time. Sanji's said he'll be setting up dinner soon."

"Good!" I grinned eagerly as I followed her. "I'm hungry enough to eat a Sea King!" My grin widened ever so slightly as an idea hit me. "Or a snail." I waited for a biting retort... then glanced at my bare shoulder in shock. "Where's Soundbite?!"

"Don't panic, he's fine," Nami assured me as she pointed at the ocean. "He's on a bit of a... playdate, so to speak."

And indeed, there Soundbite was, perched on a barrel and chatting animatedly with a very familiar whale who was now sporting a _vaguely_ familiar emblem over his scars.

I swallowed heavily as I scanned the pale imitation of our flag. "Please tell me Luffy didn't recruit the whale."

"I'd have harpooned him if he'd tried," Crocus stated flatly.

"Luffy took over the promise Laboon's crew made and drew our mark as a symbol of it." Nami explained. "Soundbite started talking to him once we'd assured him you were fine... and when he stopped laughing after that."

"For the record, if he gives Laboon any bad habits, I'm blaming you both," Crocus hummed.

I raised my hands hastily. "Fair enough, fair enough. So... Sanji's coming with food soon, I'm guessing Usopp'll be finished with fixing the Merry soon enough... what next?"

"Hmm... good question..." Nami mused as she dug a circular object out of her pocket and clicked a button on its side. "Let me just-!"

I blinked as our crew's navigator suddenly stopped walking without so much as a hint of warning. "Uh... Nami? Everything al-?"

" _EEEEYEEAAAAAARGH!"_

I cursed in shock as Nami loosed an ear-splitting shriek of horror, causing even Laboon to turn tail and flee beneath the waves in abject terror.

" _CRAZY_ **BANSHEE!"** Soundbite yelped, though he quickly calmed down when I scooped him back onto my shoulder.

"Nami-swan, is everything alright?" Sanji cried lovingly, hopping towards us with plates upon plates of _delicious_ looking food perched upon his limbs, Usopp following close behind him.

"NO YOU DUMBASS, EVERYTHING IS _NOT_ ALRIGHT!" Nami yowled as she slammed her compass onto the nearby table. "LOOK! THE COMPASS IS _BROKEN!"_

And indeed, the metal needle was spinning furiously in its casing, appearing more like a propeller than a navigational tool.

"You came to the Grand Line unprepared," Crocus deadpanned as he brought over more plates, sounding flatly amazed. "Well I never! Are you trying to get yourselves killed? I thought I'd told you, nothing is regular about these waters. Your compass isn't broken, nature is."

"So even the damn magnetic field is borked, huh?" I queried weakly. "Fun, fun, fun."

"Indeed," Crocus nodded solemnly. "You see, each island of the Grand Line is well and truly unique, and not just in the obvious way. Their mineral compositions give off truly unique magnetic fields, which make compasses inoperable. And of course, as you can expect, the winds and currents all have minds of their own. I'm sure that you realize how deadly that is, Miss Navigator."

Nami swallowed heavily as a cold sweat broke out on her brow. "If we didn't immediately run into the Calm Belt, we'd wander aimlessly until we either dehydrated or starved..."

"Precisely. Setting off unprepared in these waters is tantamount to suicide."

"I had no idea..." our navigator whimpered meekly as she scratched the back of her head.

"WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO!?" Usopp howled as he gripped his head fearfully.

"No fear, Nami-swan, you're still beautiful even if you don't know anything!" Sanji swooned.

" _SHUT UP!"_

"Mmm... This tuna trunk is delicious!" Luffy mumbled around his full mouth.

"Have you tried the tail?" I queried as I chewed on my own portion. "It has the texture of pork, but it _tastes_ like chicken."

" _ **Yum-yum!"**_ Soundbite got out as he munched down on the portion I'd offered him.

"Ahem?" Crocus coughed, continuing once he had all our attention. "Now, to navigate the Grand Line, you're going to need a device known as a Log Pose. It's a special kind of compass, capable of recording the Grand Line's magnetic fields."

Luffy swallowed his mouthful in favor of another as he tilted his head questioningly. "So it's a weird compass?"

"They have weird shapes, yes."

"I think I might have found one! Do you still have it, Cross?"

"Yo," I concurred, digging the Log Pose out of my jacket and holding it up for all to see."

"Hmph, good for you." Crocus nodded firmly. "Entering the Grand Line is an ordeal in and of itself, navigating without a Log Pose is nigh impossible, and I only say it's not completely because of how I've found that, in my experience, anything's possible on the Grand Line."

"I see, I see, just one moment..." Nami nodded slowly. "I just need to know..." She suddenly blurred towards us. "WHERE DID YOU MORONS GET THAT!?"

I tried to dodge out of her way...

THWACK!

A second too late

Next thing I knew, I was blinking awake face down in my plate. "How long was I out?" I mumbled.

"Long enough for Luffy to tell me where he got that Pose and for me to explain your... condition. Sorry..." Nami scratched the back of her head sheepishly.

"Fair enough..." I pushed myself up and started wiping my face down as I did my best to ignore Soundbite's snickering. "Continue."

"Right, right. Anyways, Crocus, about this Log Pose..." She held it up to her eye level curiously. "How does it work? I can't see any markings..."

"It doesn't need any," the keeper explained. "The islands of the Grand Line each have their own unique fields. The Log records the fields of the islands, leading you from one to another to another. The Log is your only hope of traversing this ocean. Starting from this mountain, you'll have to choose one of seven island magnetic fields. In the end, however, they're all the same. All routes, no matter how you follow them, eventually become one and lead to a single, final destination."

I sat up instantly as the mood shifted _drastically_. It was awe-inspiring, really. Dare I say... _reverential._

"Raftel," Crocus intoned solemnly. "It's the last island of the Grand Line. In all of history only one pirate crew has ever made it there and lived to tell the tale: the crew of the Pirate King."

"You mean until _we_ get there," Luffy grinned as he bit into the spine of the Elephant Bluefin. Proclamation done, he leaned back and let out a sigh of contentment, patting his somewhat swollen belly. "Man, that was tasty!"

"You ate the whole thing!" Sanji screeched, his jaw hanging open.

Usopp glanced at the remains of the Elephant Bluefin, before performing an _impressive_ double-take. "He even ate the bones!"

"At least I managed to get a _taste_..." I muttered vehemently. Damn he was fast... And I'd actually _liked_ that tuna, too!

" **GREEDY** _GLUTTON!"_ Soundbite sobbed.

"Damn it, Luffy! I cooked that for Nami! I wanted her-" And here Sanji emphasized his point by kicking Luffy square in the head. " _To have the best of it!"_

I winced as Luffy flew straight and true, blasting straight over Nami's arm and shattering the Log Pose she had attached to her wrist. Sure enough, the fragile glass didn't do well against a ballistic Luffy hitting it, obliterating the instrument in a second.

For a moment, Nami just stared at the broken Log Pose, her face frozen in the pleased smile she had. And as Sanji turned his lovestruck gaze to her, her expression turned thunderous.

Usopp, Soundbite, and I all braced for the explosion that was sure to come. We didn't have to wait long.

Neither a swooning Sanji or a somewhat dazed Luffy were able to react before Nami marched up to them and simultaneously punted them both off the cliffside.

"GO SOAK YOUR HEADS!" she called out after them as they landed in the water.

As Nami stomped back over to where the rest of us were, Usopp gave me a concerned look. "Hey, is Luffy going to be alright, being in the water like that?"

"Eh, Sanji's with him. He'll be fine," I replied with a shrug. "Besides, they both had that coming. I don't know about you, but I don't wanna die by getting in Nami's way."

Usopp nodded slowly as he watched Nami warily, apparently satisfied with the answer, and turned his attention back to our navigator, who was fussing over the broken Log Pose.

"Crocus, what are we going to do?" Nami lamented. "Our precious Log Pose is-!"

"Actually," I cut in before Crocus could speak up, pulling the Log Pose I had bought at Loguetown out of my pocket. It was a bulky thing, with a needle of metal wavering around inside a metal-lined orb of glass that was fixed to a cuff of leather and far sturdier than the rather thin sphere over the other Pose.

Nami twitched slightly as she jerked towards me before hastily restraining herself. "If you already knew..." she hissed. "Why the hell _didn't you tell us!?"_

I shrugged helplessly. "I overheard something about 'special compasses' back in Loguetown, so I took the liberty of buying one on the way out, figured I'd find out more as we went along. Didn't expect to use it as a spare, though."

"Hmph..." Crocus examined the Log Pose intently before nodding firmly. "You got lucky, kid: That's a damn good piece you bought. Firm, sturdy. It'll guide you far."

I smiled as I clapped my hands together eagerly. "Well then! Unless there's anything else to attend to-!"

_**KABOOM!** _

We all jumped as a devastating explosion blasted up from the ocean below us.

I promptly hung my head in despair. "Stupid question. Soundbite, could you?"

Soundbite let out a whine for a moment before piping up in Mr. 9's voice. " _We have a request."_

**-o-**

About an hour later, we were on our way, sailing away from the massive form of Reverse Mountain with two additional passengers amongst our ranks.

Two very _unique_ passengers I reminded myself as I blew out heavy sigh, looking around the ship calmly. Specifically, I was side-eyeing the blue-haired faux-Frontier Agent who was currently standing at the Merry's prow, glaring at anyone and everyone who made the mistake of getting near.

Credit where it was due, an angel Vivi might be, but damn if she couldn't fake being a bitch like the best of them.

However, I didn't have time to think about that. Instead, I turned and started pacing across Merry's deck thoughtfully. Sure, things had turned out alright back on Reverse Mountain, but the fact that I had forgotten about _Laboon_ of all characters, even in the midst of an adrenaline high, was _terrifying_ to say the least. I _needed_ to recap my knowledge, make sure that what I remembered was valid... or else I'd be in for more than a few nasty shocks in the all-too-near future.

On a broad scale, though, I think I remembered well enough: Whiskey Peak (here's hoping they didn't spike the water), Little Garden (to explore the killer prehistoric jungle or not to explore? decisions decisions), Drum (I was really going to need to play that one by the ear; heads Nami almost dies and I feel like a scumbag, tails _Chopper_ is guaranteed to die by Wapol sooner or later _and_ we all go without medical care for who-knows-how-long) and finally, for the moment, Alabasta (nope nope and another _nope,_ not going to start on that gordian knot of consequences until I don't have a choice).

I nodded definitively to myself. Yes, that was definitely everything, nothing left out.

I threw my head back and stared at the sky with an exasperated growl. So why did I _still_ feel like I... was...

I slowly crossed my eyes as a little white _something_ fluttered down from the sky and landed on my nose with a burst of cold.

I blinked in confusion. Why was it snowing out of the blue, where had this fogbank suddenly come from, and why did it terrify me beyond all logical reason?

" _ **ICEBERGS DEAD AHEAD!"**_

Oooooh, right... _Crap._


	7. Chapter 7

### Chapter 7: This Insane Sea! Twisting Tempests and Pirate-Lovers!

### Chapter Text

" _WHAT THE HELL IS WITH THIS OCEAN!?"_ Nami shrieked furiously as she held onto the Merry's railing for dear life.

"I KNOW, RIGHT?! ISN'T IT AWESOME!?" I cackled as I yanked on one of the Merry's ropes, fighting to keep her sail open _just_ right so that we could catch the summer gale that was blowing at us from starboard, all while we angled ourselves so that we could weave through the field of icebergs that were coming at us through the fog.

My memories had been right about the Grand Line's weather being completely out of this world, and they'd been right about how it'd start with snow and icebergs... but apparently, _nothing_ could predict the sheer scale of the madness that we were to be put through.

To put it in a few words, it was like _everything_ decided to happen all at once. The wind kicked up into a howl, a fog swept over us alongside a blizzard-slash-lightning storm, icebergs large enough to give the _Titanic_ PTSD did their level best to reduce us to splinters...

Or, put another way, Poseidon was having a psychotic breakdown and we were subject to the whims of his maddened throes.

It was life-threatening, it was maddening, it was so _completely_ unreal... but above all else?

"THE WIND'S SHIFTING AGAIN!"

I braced my feet against the deck and yanked on Merry's line as hard as I could as the sail tried to yank my arms out of my shoulders, a semi-demented grin dancing across my lips. " _Pffff-_ HAHAHA!"

It. Was. _Awesome!_

"YOU CAN'T _SERIOUSLY_ BE GETTING OFF ON THIS!" Nami shrieked desperately, her nearly crazed eyes raking the surrounding weather for _some_ clue of whatever the heck was going to hit us next.

"THE HELL I CAN'T!" I shouted back over the howling wind. "THIS IS THE MOST FUN I'VE HAD MY WHOLE LIFE! THIS IS _BADASS!_ RIGHT SOUNDBITE!?"

" _WAY HAY AND UP SHE RISES, WAY HAY AND UP SHE RISES!"_ my snail roared jubilantly as he clutched my shoulder, swaying back and forth in time to the tune.

"Mmmph, geez..." Zoro grunted as he blinked awake, stretching slightly as he got up from the part of the wall he'd been snoozing against. "Soundbite, if you're gonna sing, could you at least _try_ and carry a—GRK!"

Zoro was cut off as Nami suddenly appeared in front of him, jerking him down to her eye level by way of his collar. "We're fighting against Mother Nature for our lives here and you're _sleeping?!_ " she spat, sounding downright _possessed_ in her fury.

"Uh..." Zoro fumbled for an answer in light of the here-to-fore unseen levels of rage the navigator was displaying.

Nami made to rip into the swordsman further, but instead suddenly snapped her head to the side, staring at the mad waters with a haunted look. "That wind was coming from port but now it's coming from starboard, how is that—OH SON OF A—! TACK THE SAILS! WE NEED TO TURN AROUND, 180 DEGREES! THE CURRENTS TWISTED US AROUND WHEN WE WEREN'T LOOKING!" She shoved Zoro back as she darted back to her position on the Merry's upper deck. "GET TO WORK!"

I yanked hard on the line I was holding, trying to reel in the Merry's sail a bit. "Could I get a hand here? This wind is seriously—!"

Zoro promptly snatched the rope out of my hands and jerked the sail into its proper place with ease.

I blinked in surprise at the action. "Ah... thanks."

"You _really_ need to work out."

" **WIIIMP!"** Soundbite cackled.

I shrugged slightly as I shuffled my feet about in an effort to keep my balance stable. "Well, can't really argue with that! Think you could help me work out properly later?"

"Sure," Zoro grunted as he handled the sail. "When we actually get out of this—!"

" _HANG ON TO SOMETHING!"_

Acting on instinct, I grabbed the Merry's rigging, and not a moment too soon.

For a brief moment, the ocean became the sky, my feet came off the deck, and my entire being just seemed to _float._

Then, as fast as things went crazy, everything roared back to normal, all of us crashing onto the deck as we tried to process what the _hell_ had just happened.

"Did... did Merry just pull off a _loop de loop?!"_ Usopp sputtered weakly.

"Actually, I think that was a barrel roll..." Mr. 9 moaned.

" _PfffHAHAHAHA!"_ I finally managed to spit out, the sheer _rush_ of what I'd just experienced hitting me all at once. "Holy shit, that was _sick!"_

"What in the literal blue _hell_ is _wrong_ with you!?" Miss Wednesday shrieked at the top of her lungs. "We almost _died!"_

"I know!" I grinned at her eagerly. "And it was _beyond_ awesome!"

The undercover mercenary gaped at me in open-mouthed disbelief. "Are you _insane!?"_

"No! Nononono..." I scrambled up to the woman, grabbing her shoulders and shoving my grinning face in hers. "I'm _living!_ For the first time in my entire life, I know what it's like to actually be _alive!_ Back home, I was never in any kind of danger, never in fear of my life, I never put _everything on the line!_ But here!?" I swung my arms out wide, indicating the mad, _mad_ world around us. "This insanity, this impossibility... it's _unique!_ _Unprecedented!_ It's... it's legitimately _beautiful!"_

Without warning, the Merry bucked once anew, launching me off my feet and sending me tumbling head-over-heels.

When I landed, flat on my ass and aching slightly, I started sniggering as I stared up at the sky. "PfffHAHAHA! I'm freaking _loving this!_ This madness, this craziness... it's awesome!" I tilted my head slightly so that I could cast a grin at Luffy. "And above all, I _love_ this crew for getting me here! Thank you _so_ much for letting me be a Straw Hat, Luffy! I love you all _so_ much!"

"Shishishi!" Luffy chuckled as he balanced on the Merry's railing. "Sounds like you're having fun, Cross!"

"Yup!" I smirked as I worked my way back onto my feet. "See, you guys are going to need to work long and hard in order to achieve your dreams, but me!?" I swept my arms out. " _This_ is my dream, Luffy! _This_ is what I've waited for all my life! The world, clear and uncut, up close and personal! I am _living_ my dream every second we are out here and it is _glorious!"_

As if in response, a wave splashed over the deck, soaking me from head to toe and shoving more than a bit of seawater down my throat. I hacked and spluttered for a moment before grinning eagerly. "It's also a little bit salty!"

" _ **Blech!"**_ Soundbite shivered heavily within his shell.

"That's _really_ inspiring, Cross!" Nami piped, sounding rather aggravated. "Now, if you could just do me a favor by _shutting the hell up and getting to work BEFORE THE DAMN WHIRLPOOL OFF THE PORT BOW SWALLOWS US ALL ALIVE!?"_

"Shutting the hell up, ma'am!" I squawked, leaping to my feet and rushing to help Usopp man the surprisingly well-patched-up mizzen mast.

"What happened to you enjoying living your dream?!" Usopp grunted.

"Nami's not a part of that dream, she's a course hazard!" I hissed quietly.

" _Headstrong!_ **NOT SUICIDAL!"** Soundbite provided.

" _I HEARD THAT!"_

I shot a glare at my shoulder-mounted snail. "Now you see the merits of controlling your volu—GAH!" I yelped as _something_ whiffed just over the top of my head. "What the he—?!" I trailed off as I stared at the object that had come _way_ too close to braining me. "Is that a hailstone the size of a golf ball?"

Usopp swallowed heavily as he shot a nervous glance up at the angry gray clouds. "I _really_ hope that things calm down soon before your 'dream' kills us all!"

They didn't.

**-o-**

"WATER SPOUT, DEAD AHEAD!"

**-o-**

"AN ICEBERG JUST CLIPPED US!"

**-o-**

"Ahhh, a spot of summer sun... really _hot_ summer sun... AGH! TOO HOT! THE SAILS ARE ON FIRE! WATER! WE NEED WATER!"

_SPLOOSH!_

"AGH! TYPHOON!"

" _NOT WHAT I MEANT, DAMN IT!"_

**-o-**

"Is it just me, or did things suddenly get dark?"

"Nami? Look up."

"What are you—!? _AGH!_ SINCE WHEN COULD FLYING MANTA RAYS LITERALLY FLY!? _OR GROW AS BIG AS WHALES!?"_

**-o-**

"Wait, didn't we already pass that—?... Nami, when was the last time you checked the Log Pose?"

"Huh? Just ten seconds ago, w—? #!$%&^!"

" _#!$% &^! #!$%&^!"_

"Thanks for expanding my snail's vocabulary, Nami."

"SHUT UP AND TURN US AROUND AGA— _ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?"_

"Flipped us around _again,_ huh?"

"I SAID SHUT UP, DAMN IT!"

**-o-**

Finally, after what felt like forever... nothingness.

The sea was calm, the sun was shining, a light breeze was blowing...

But still, it paid to double-check.

"Are we good?" I asked Nami wearily.

"As far as I can tell..." she whimpered, supporting herself against the upper deck's railing.

"Soundbite?"

" **Boo-bee-beep. We're sorry, the number you are trying to call has been disconnected."**

"Soundbite! Wake up!"

" _Hoo-_ WHAT?"

"Can you hear anything lurking underneath us?"

Soundbite tilted his head to the side as he concentrated for a moment before shaking his head firmly. " _ALL CLEAR!"_

"We're good!"

"Oh... perfect... in that case..."

Nami promptly went limp and collapsed on the deck, followed swiftly by the rest of us.

"I can't feel my anything..." Usopp whimpered miserably.

"Lucky you, my _everything_ is burning..." I bemoaned.

"Tsk..." Zoro growled as he massaged his throbbing limbs. "I can't believe you guys woke me up for _that._ Couldn't you have handled it yourselves?"

" **NO!"** the rest of us roared furiously.

"Soundbite, you can imitate whatever sounds you've heard, right?" Nami demanded.

" **Yup yup yup!"**

"Here's a direct order: The next time you hear Zoro sleeping while we're going through that kind of _hell,_ blast a Sea King roar in his ears. All in favor?"

"Nay!" Zoro barked.

A resounding "AYE!" roared out across the ship in response.

"Oh, screw you guys..." the swordsman growled.

"Shishishi!" Luffy chuckled from where he was sitting on the Merry's figurehead, looking _legitimately_ no worse for the wear. The bastard. "Sorry Zoro! Looks like you're outvetoed!"

"I think you mean 'voted'..." Miss Wednesday groaned.

It was at that moment that Zoro took notice of the two exhausted mercenaries. "Now that I think about it, what are these two doing here?"

" _YOU ONLY JUST NOTICED US!?"_ the pair shrieked indignantly.

"We're sailing to their hometown," Luffy explained cheerfully.

Zoro blinked at Luffy before casting a flat look at the rest of us. "And none of you tried to stop him?"

"You honestly think we could?" Sanji shot back.

"... fair point. Anyways..." Zoro pinned Mr. 9 and Miss Wednesday with a _far_ too bloodthirsty smirk. "I've been thinking... what did you say your names were again?"

"Urk... I-I'm Mister Nine..."

"M-Miss Wednesday."

"Yeah, I thought so..." Zoro's grin widened even further, prompting the two to break into cold sweats. "Those names of yours, they're _real_ familiar. They've been stuck in my mind for a while now. Like I've heard them before..."

The two looked like they were about ready to bolt...

"Or maybe I haven't," Zoro shrugged, his grin becoming positively shit-eating.

The duo collapsed onto their backs with dual whimpers. "Demon..."

I grinned cheekily as I clapped a hand on Zoro's shoulder. "Come on, buddy, leave them alone."

"Thank you..." Mr. 9 and Miss Wednesday sighed in relief.

"After all, it's cruel and unusual to torture poor, defenseless pests like them! Save it for the poor, defenseless Sea Kings."

"OH, SCREW YOU!"

"Either way, come on." Turning around, I walked away and gestured for him to follow. "I'm almost certain that that madness scattered our supplies all over the hold, and I can't lift the crates alone."

"Why don't you get Luffy or the crap-cook to do it?"

"Listen up, you damn moss—!" Sanji started to snarl, but Nami halted him by placing a hand on his shoulder.

"Don't worry, Sanji, I've got this." Our navigator pinned Zoro with a frigid _look_. "You'll help him, or else I'll quintuple your debt. To _start._ "

Zoro twitched furiously for a moment before marching past me with a growl. "Come on, brat. Let's get to work."

I shot a grateful grin at Nami before following the swordsman into the storeroom. As I'd predicted, the numerous crates, barrels, and sacks we were using to hold our foodstuffs and supplies were a little everywhere, though thankfully all of them were intact.

The second I was inside, I closed the door as quickly and calmly as I possibly could before shooting a look at Zoro. "Alright, they can't hear us anymore, spill it."

Zoro blinked at me in bored curiosity. "What the heck are you talking about, Cross?"

I maintained my deadpan expression as I stared at the first mate. "Zoro, you're a lot of things: you sleep way too much, you're focused on swords to an unhealthy degree, you're grumpy-"

"I am _not_ grumpy..." Zoro grumbled, his arms folded petulantly across his chest.

" **THAT'S** _what_ _**you**_ PROTEST?" Soundbite asked with a cocked eyestalk.

"But one thing you _aren't_ is needlessly sadistic," I finished firmly, ignoring Soundbite's comment. "If you psychologically tortured those two about their names, it's because you _definitely_ knew something about them. And if you know something about them, then _I_ want to know it too."

"Oh yeah?" Zoro's glare hardened in defiance. "And why do you want to know so much, exactly?"

"Because I want to know whether or not it's pertinent to our crew's continued well-being!" I flung my arms wide in exasperation. "Zoro, if you know something that could be important, then you _need_ to tell us! _None_ of us can afford to spare any information; otherwise, we risk jeopardizing the crew!"

" _Hy~po~cri~te!"_ Soundbite sang to me _sotto voce._

" _Bite—!"_ I started to hiss out of the corner of my mouth before swiftly biting my _own_ tongue. Fool me once, shame on the little shit, fool me twice... well, you get the drift.

Nevertheless, my words did the deed: Zoro's stern expression faltered slightly for a moment before he relaxed with a sigh. "Alright, alright, no need to get melodramatic... For the record, I didn't tell anyone because I wanted to handle it on my own, alright?"

I raised my hands in a shrug. "A noble sentiment, Zoro, but that's just not how a crew works. We're in this crazy journey together, for better or for worse."

" **ALL FOR ONE!"** Soundbite crowed.

"And one for all, yeah yeah..." Zoro shook his head with a chuckle before adopting a deadly serious expression. "Alright, I'll explain everything to everyone, later. Just make sure that the stooges are out of the dining room when we eat, alright?"

"Can do, boss-man!" I saluted firmly.

"In the meantime..."

"WHOOF!" I winced as a _freaking heavy!_ bag of rice slammed into my midsection.

"Get to work," Zoro smirked as he hefted a crate and slid it back into its original position, lashing it down with a length of rope for good measure. "You volunteered us for this job, might as well do it right."

"Aye-aye, _sir..."_ I grumbled mutinously as I started waddling away under the sack's weight.

" **Heave-** _ho,_ **Heave-** _ho,_ **Heave—!"**

"Oh shut up!"

Thankfully, about an hour later, Zoro and I managed to complete our task, _just_ in time for a long-awaited call.

"Nami-swan, it's time for dinner! HEY MORONS, GET IN HERE ALREADY!"

As we did, we rushed up to the upper deck as fast as we could, racing to beat Luffy to the dining room before he managed to shove a hefty portion of our food supplies down his throat.

Thankfully, on account of not being used to our ship just yet, Miss Wednesday and Mr. 9 had lagged behind, giving me _just_ enough time to grab two of the plates Sanji had prepared and shove them into their hands before they entered the dining room.

"Sorry!" I grinned wolfishly. "This dining room is for crewmates and paying customers only. Free-loading passengers eat in steerage, no exceptions. Enjoy!"

And with that, I promptly slammed the door shut in their faces, chuckling at the dual cries of "HEY!" that they bellowed out in protest.

"CROSS!" Sanji snarled as he marched up to me furiously. "I can get the crown-wearing dingus, but how _dare_ you lock out a poor lady like-!?"

"Shh!" I hissed, pressing my finger to my lips.

The cook halted in dead shock. "Did you just shush me!?"

"Yes, and I'll do it again! Observe: _Shush!"_ Before Sanji could respond anew, I glanced at Soundbite. "Give us some white noise, would you? No chances."

Soundbite nodded firmly and proceeded to concentrate for a moment before making a grinding motion with his teeth. As a result, I could hear a faint combination of buzzing and gurgling wafting around the room's door.

Nami stared at me in confusion. "Cross, what are you doing? No chances for what?"

"I'm assuming he means no chances for those two to overhear me telling you all about just how dangerous they _really_ are, right Cross?" Zoro asked bluntly.

I snapped my fingers and pointed at him with a nod. "Hole in one."

Now it was Usopp's turn to blink in befuddlement. "Wait, Zoro, you actually know something about them!? And... dangerous? Are you sure? I mean, sure, they had those guns before, but we left those with Crocus! How dangerous could they really be?"

"Yeah, Zoro!" Luffy mumbled out from around the full pound of food he'd stuffed into his mouth. "They're funny, not scary!"

"Them on their own?" Zoro jerked his chin at the door. "Yeah, they're not much of a threat. What I'm worried about is what they're a part of. Tell me..." He slowly swept his gaze over the crew. "Have any of you ever heard the name 'Baroque Works'?"

Everyone, myself included, blinked in confusion as we searched our thoughts momentarily before shaking our heads.

Zoro snorted and shrugged as he started to scratch the back of his head. "I'd be surprised if you did... Alright, here we go: a few years ago, while I was still a bounty hunter, I was approached by a man— _not like that, damn it!"_ he snarled furiously when he caught sight of Sanji smirking malevolently. "A man who wanted to _recruit_ me into the organization he was a part of on account of my skills. When I refused, he didn't take it well. As in, he tried to _kill_ me, all because I knew about the mere _existence_ of his organization."

"That organization being Baroque Works," Nami divined.

"And that man's name being Mr. 7," Zoro finished.

_That_ prompted the rest of the crew to tense nervously.

"After _that_ little experience..." Zoro continued with a sigh. "I decided to do a little research into just who these 'Baroque Works' people were, in case they ever came after me again. Not too much, I didn't want to draw any attention, but enough to give me a general understanding. To put it simply, Baroque Works is a criminal syndicate that prides itself on secrecy. All their agents have codenames, men with numbers and women with days, and the identity and location of their boss is completely unknown."

"They have a massive number of operatives who operate in the East and South Blues and the Grand Line alike, and they have untold resources to operate with." Zoro looked each of us in the eye, one after another. "Make no mistake: Baroque Works is a dangerous organization, not the kind of people you mess with on a whim."

We all lapsed into silence as we absorbed the information, contemplating the implications they posed. Well, I _say_ all, but really Luffy just kept on eating, oblivious to the gravity of the situation.

Finally, Sanji gulped and plastered a nervous smile on his face. "C-come on, it couldn't really be that bad, could it?"

"Y-yeah!" Usopp nodded frantically, desperate to find _some_ bright side to the situation. "A-a-after all, you managed to beat this 7 guy, right? Right!?"

Zoro grimaced slightly as he rubbed the back of his neck. "Yeah... the guy was a master actor. He went from cordial to trying to chop my head off in less than a second. If there hadn't been a bottle nearby and I'd been a second slower on the draw, well..." He drew a finger across his neck.

We all lapsed back into silence as we mulled over the perilous facts. Finally, Sanji hissed in a deep tug from his cigarette. "You're thinking this is a trap, huh?"

"Criminals don't normally give two shits about the wellbeing or hunger of others..."

"Unless they're their own, right, right..." Nami groaned as she kneaded her temples in aggravation. "Perfect. Just... perfect!" She shot a glare at our captain. "Thanks a lot, Luffy!"

"You're welcome!" Luffy perked up for a moment before tilting his head in confusion. "But... what did I do?"

"You caused us to stumble ass-backwards into an ambush set by a multinational criminal organization based on a whim," I summarized flatly before Nami could blow a gasket and try to throttle the poor bastard.

"Oh! Then yeah, you're welcome!"

"WE'RE NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO IT YOU DAMN BASTARD!" Nami, Usopp, and Sanji roared.

Zoro winced and dug his pinkie into his ear. "Eesh, guys."

"I know, right?" I grimaced as I slapped one of my palms against the side of my head. "We need a doctor on this ship, I need a refresher on the symptoms of tinnitus."

"And a musician!" Luffy piped up swiftly.

"Music isn't much good to me if I can't hear it, Cap'n."

"Besides," Nami jabbed her thumb at the seemingly silent snail on my shoulder. "Doesn't _he_ kind of count?"

I cocked my eyebrow in response. "You consider the sound _he_ makes mus-?"

"I KNOW A SONG THAT GETS ON EVERYBODY'S NERVES,

_EVERYBODY'S NERVES,_ _**EVERYBODY'S NERVES!"**_

"ACK!" I jumped as Soundbite's 'voice' blared in my ears.

"I'm with the Commie on this one..." Usopp grumbled darkly as he glared at my shoulder.

"Anyways!" Zoro cut in. "The point is that when we reach this Whiskey Peak place, we all need to be on our guards. Trust _no one,_ and not a word of this to the two outside. Understand?"

We all nodded and gave varying sounds of assent.

"Great!" I clapped my hands firmly. "Now, what say we divvy up what's left of our meal before Luffy finishes picking our plates clean, hm?"

"Yea—WAIT, WHAT!? _LUFFY!"_

SMACK! CRACK! BAM!

"OW!"

I chuckled as Luffy and Sanji fell into an impromptu brawl before starting at the tapping sensation on my shoulder. "Wh- Oh, yeah, sure, you can drop it, Soundbite."

The snail heaved a massive sigh as he ceased his ministrations before casting a look at me. "WE'RE IN _deep_ **SHIT,** _**huh?"**_

I shrugged in response. "It's the Grand Line, my friend. With a few exceptions, everything in it is trying to kill you."

**-o-**

"WOOOH!" "HOORAY!" "WELCOME!"

My eye twitched furiously as I took in the massive crowd of people before us, roaring and cheering raucously at the top of their lungs. Credit given where credit was most definitely due, even knowing that nearly all of these people were cold-blooded killers who would slit our throats without a second thought, their cheers _still_ sounded almost genuine to my ears.

They _definitely_ sounded genuine to the rest of the crew, though.

"Shishishi! And you guys were worried!" Luffy cackled as he waved joyously.

"You jerks scared us for nothing!" Usopp whooped as he blew kisses to the crowd. "Pirates are heroes to these people! Heroes! Woohoo!"

"HELLO, MY LOVELIES!" Sanji swooned, completely and utterly enraptured in his 'Hurricane of Love'.

I stared flatly at the trio of men prancing about the lower deck before plastering a smile on my face and turning my attention to the other two crewmates who were with me on the upper deck. "Honeypot?"

"Honeypot," Zoro and Nami chorused flatly.

"Oi vey..." I shook my head with a sigh. "I'll sneak away and have Soundbite keep a listen out for anyone planning something behind the scenes when I get the chance. Hopefully, they'll be able to keep their faces straight when I funnel it into their ears. For now though!" I straightened up and raised one of my hands into the air.

" **Just smile and wave, boys,"** Soundbite announced through his grin. " **Smile and wave."**

**-o-**

"So just down the hall and third door on the right?" I called over my shoulder as I walked out of the room the party was roaring in.

"Yeah, can't miss it!" one of the partying bounty hunters confirmed.

"Great, thanks!" I shot him a thumbs up as I went, purposefully staggering and bumping into the walls as I went. Thank _God_ for these guys blatantly over-acting; thanks to the commotion, none of them had noticed that most, if not all, of my drink was sloshing out of my mouth and onto the floor, rather than down my throat.

The second I reached the bathroom, I forced myself in and locked the door shut behind me, collapsing on the seat with relief. I did _not_ want to stay in there longer than I had to; parties were... not entirely my style. Definitely not crazy ones like this one was, at any rate. Still... I shook my head firmly. Now wasn't the time to be uncomfortable, now was the time to get to work.

I placed Soundbite on my knee and grinned down at him. "Alright, little buddy, ready to illegally wiretap the world?"

" _Roger-roger!"_ he nodded firmly.

"Okay then..." I slid my headphones up around my ears. "Give me a general overview of the town, everything that's _not_ going on in this hou... in the room the party's in. And remember, volume. Don't blow my eardrums."

Soundbite nodded anew, his ear stretching from eye-stalk to eye-stalk as he concentrated firmly.

A second later, a stream of sound flowed through my ears: crickets chirping, water flowing, gravel crunching, wind howling... and most important of all, voices.

"Okay okay okay, hear those two, the guys who sound like they're above us?" I queried.

Soundbite looked upwards for a moment before flaring a particular line of noise.

I listened for a moment before shaking my head. "No no, they're just getting another keg on account of how fast Zoro's drinking. I meant the _other-_!" I cut myself off as the correct voices resurged, making the things they were saying quite clear. And oh, the things they were saying.

"Jackpot," I nodded to myself. "Okay, connect me with the crew, subtly."

Soundbite clenched his eyes shut for a moment before opening his eyes and nodding firmly. " _Ka-lick!"_

I pressed the headphone with the microphone close to my ear. "Don't react, don't say a word, just keep doing what you're doing. I'm currently in the bathroom using Soundbite to speak to you. He's putting my words _directly_ into your ears, so nobody can hear me but you. Now listen: I got a little bit curious and had Soundbite listen in on a little bit of everything and I heard something _interesting_. Soundbite, let them have it."

" _Ka-lick!"_ Soundbite repeated firmly before letting out the voices I'd heard before.

" _-much longer do we have to fucking wait!? I'm getting sick and tired of this crap, I wanna fucking_ go _already!"_

" _Not yet, damn it. They're still awake, and I'm not going up against_ RoronoaZoro _while he's still sober. We've been able to do this for so long because we've always done it_ right."

" _Ergh, but still..."_

" _Look man, don't worry. I'm sure they won't need much more before they go down. Then, once they're dead and away, it's shackles and straight to the Marines for a hefty payday! And that makes it all worth it, right?"_

" _... eh, yeah. Fair enough. Hey, pass me that rifle, would you? I don't think I wiped down its barrel yet."_

" _Here ya go. By the way, did you see that outfit Miss Wednesday was wearing? I swear, bitch and ice queen she might be, that girl is smoking-!"_

" _Oh-_ kay, that's more than enough!" I slashed my hand across my throat desperately, Soundbite complying with a lecherous giggle. "Anyways, I think you get the idea. Now, here's how I suggest we swing this—!"

Before I could say anything further, the sound of splintering _everything_ rang out, accompanied by a very familiar "RAAAAAAAH!"

I bit out a curse as I slapped Soundbite back onto my shoulder, jumping up and darting out of the stall. "Damn it, Luffy, do you even _know_ the word sub-!" I cut myself off as I wrenched the door to the bathroom open and came face to face with a thinly built man who'd been _just_ about to push open the door himself, and was _also_ frozen in place, presumably on account of both the sudden commotion _and_ the fact that I was _obviously_ somehow still stone sober.

As we stared at each other, I had two separate reactions.

Internally, I was ranting and raving, self-flagellating myself with reckless abandon. ' _Supposedly drunk, isolated, perfect for ambush, DUMBASS!'_

Externally, on the other hand...

"You're gonna want to get some air fresheners in there, ASAP. Believe me, biscuits are _murder_ on my stomach, it's not pretty."

Thankfully, the surprisingly coherent string of words prompted the man to jump in shock, giving me _just_ enough time to lash my right leg up and catch him square between the legs. As the guy started to crumple, I shot my right hand into my jacket, snapped out the baton Smoker had given me and _rammed_ the rod of metal across the guy's temple, knocking him to the floor.

I panted heavily as I stared at the man's prone and groaning form for a moment before lashing out an additional kick to his face for good measure. It never hurt to be too careful.

Well, it hurt him, but that was the entire point of the endeavor, so I didn't count it.

I stood there silently for a moment as I caught my breath again before reaching up to absentmindedly tap Soundbite. "You know what, Luffy? Forget what I was saying about subtle, these guys are total dicks. All those in favor of breaking everyone and everything right here right now, say aye."

A second roar erupted from what was left of the party room, accompanied swiftly by the entire _building_ shaking from a massive impact.

I let out a heavy huff as I cracked my neck back and forth eagerly, a heady grin splaying itself over my face. "I'll take that as an aye! Well, you heard the captain! _CHARGE!"_

And with that, I bolted straight towards the brawl, Soundbite trumpeting out a bugle call as I went.


	8. Chapter 8

### Chapter 8: Straw Hats Vs. Baroque Works! Fighting For An Undercover Princess!

### Chapter Text

I skidded to a halt outside of the party room, gaping in awe at the utter _chaos_ that had engulfed it.

To start with, one of the room's walls was just flat out _gone,_ allowing me to catch sight of a fairly large crowd of armed killers attempting - emphasis on _attempting_ \- to hold down a rather rotund Luffy. The job was made fairly difficult by the fact that Luffy was flailing around and roaring furiously as he bodily _flung_ the bounty hunters this way and that. Luckily, I could see Miss Monday lying in the middle of the street with a rather _painful_ looking dent in her skull. _Un-_ fortunately, not only could I _not_ see Sanji and Zoro, but I _could_ hear the tell-tale sounds of them fighting in the distance. I had a _very_ bad feeling I knew what had brought that on.

As for Usopp and Nami, they were both handling themselves relatively well against the dozen or so agents that were trying to get them, with Nami employing her staff to admirable effect and Usopp using a variety of ammunition on the thus-occupied bounty hunters.

I contemplated the rolling battle, wondering where I should start...

"CROSS, DUCK!"

Before I was torn out of my musings by Usopp's warning hitting my ears, prompting me to act first and think later as I dropped to my knees. As a result, the lead ball he shot at me whizzed well over my head and slammed into the chest of the man who'd apparently been sneaking up on me.

"Soundbite, keep your ears _open,_ got it?" I growled underneath my breath.

" _ROG-_ **MOVE!"** Soundbite barked suddenly.

Acting on instinct, I rolled forwards, narrowly dodging a blade that stuck itself in the wooden doorframe where I'd been squatting moments before. I scrambled to my feet... right in front of yet _another_ bounty hunter.

I didn't think. There wasn't any time to think, no time to consider anything akin to a plan, just pure, straight up _action._ And with that, I _rammed_ my free fist - thumb out, tight but not too tight - straight into the guy's nose. As he staggered back, I followed up with a kick to one of his knees. The joint crumpled under the impact and the man began to keel over, and I finished by bringing my baton down on the back of his skull. If the way he flopped bonelessly was anything to go by, he was down and out.

" **BLADE LEFT!"**

Acting on Soundbite's warning, I whipped my baton up, _barely_ catching a sword from coming down on me and cleaving my skull open like a rotten melon as I supported the metal pole with both hands. I strained for a moment under the pressure before swiftly swinging my foot up and kicking the guy once, twice in his shin. His stagger gave me _just_ enough time to force my way into his guard and whip my elbow up and into his face, followed swiftly by the palm of my hand ramming into the middle of his forehead.

I glanced around for where to go next...

" **BEHIND-!"**

Unfortunately, Soundbite was a moment too late as a thin arm, a woman's, wrapped itself around my neck and _something_ was pressed to my temple.

"Alright you two, surrender quietly or your _friend_ here-!"

THUNK!

"Grgh..." the woman gurgled as she slumped away from me, a glance downwards showing a large lump rapidly blossoming on her forehead.

I breathed a sigh of relief as I took a step back, my back coming into contact with Nami's. "Thanks for the save. Sorry, I should have- _GRGH!"_ I warded off a guy who wandered too close with a savage kick. "Been faster!"

"Don't - _ragh! -_ beat yourself up about it!" Nami managed to bite out. "We all make mistakes. To be - _honest! -_ two people is pretty impressive, especially without anything heavier than that dinky baton of yours."

"H- _HEY!"_ I yelped as I rammed my shoulder into an opening I managed to notice. "I'll have you know that tactical batons are simultaneously strong, subtle, and have been used for _plenty_ of cases of police- _brutality!"_ I brought the weapon down on the elbow of an arm I'd grabbed, the resulting crack sounding _very_ reassuring to me.

"Whatever." Nami's voice gave the impression of rolling her eyes in good-natured exasperation. "Anyways, you're doing alright for your first fight. I thought you'd said you'd never actually fought before?"

"I haven't! But I _do_ have a demon of a little brother back home," I explained, frowning at the mere thought of the little shithead. "One who has a tendency for hair-pulling and other forms of foul play. Just thought it'd be best to emulate him for once. I'll be honest, this is working _out!"_ I shot my baton out and caught a guy - the second one I'd taken down, actually - in the throat before grabbing his hair and bringing his face down to meet my knee. "Better than I thought it would!"

"Yeah, and I think I know why," Nami grunted. "These guys are meant to be trained _professionals!_ They're used to people with actual skills, not amateurs who come at them like _rabid_ _dogs_!"

"Rabid dog, huh?" I huffed out as a slightly vicious grin spread across my mouth. "I actually think I can live with tha-!"

"GUM-GUM!"

I cut myself off with a yelp as I dove to the floor, followed closely by Nami and Usopp.

"WHIP!"

Not a moment too soon; a second later, a long elastic limb swung through the air above us, bowling over the rest of the agents who were still standing in a single definitive strike.

I lay prone for a second before daring to glance up, taking in the array of unconscious bodies in numb awe. "Well... that works too, I suppose."

"Only when we're not in the line of fire..." Nami growled darkly.

"Ahhh..." Luffy sighed heartily as he ambled over to us, patting his now-flat stomach. "Nothing like a good fight to help with digestion. That was nice!"

"IT'D BE EVEN NICER IF YOU GAVE US A HEADS-UP BEFORE ALMOST TAKING OUR HEADS OFF!" Usopp howled as he sprang to his feet.

Luffy blinked at us in confusion. "But you're all fine, aren't you?"

"ONLY BECAUSE WE KNOW YOU TOO WELL, JACKASS!" Nami _and_ Usopp raged.

"That _was_ a little reckless, Luffy," I concurred.

" **Loose** _ **cannon,**_ _baby!"_

Luffy blinked at us for a moment before chuckling and scratching the back of his head sheepishly. "Ah... yeah, you're right. Sorry guys."

"At least you're willing to admit it..." I sighed wearily before glancing at Nami. "Dare I even ask where Zoro and Sanji are?"

As I feared, she jerked her thumb towards the sounds of combat in the distance. "Zoro took down that large woman, Miss Monday, when she tried to cave Usopp's head in with her fist. Unfortunately, that got Sanji going after him as a result. They went that way and haven't come back yet."

"Joy..." I ground out. I considered matters for a moment before speaking. "Alright, seeing how the element of surprise has just been blown to kingdom come, mind if I offer my opinion on what the hell we should do next?"

Luffy shrugged with a large grin. "Sure thing!"

Nami mimicked the action. "I don't see why not."

Usopp glanced around warily for a moment before nodding nervously. "A... alright then. You were right about this town, so..."

" _Thank_ you," I sighed in relief. "Alright, here's what I'm thinking: Usopp, you find a good rooftop and act as support, take out anyone who shows their head and isn't us. Think you can do that?"

Usopp considered my request for a moment before popping a thumbs up and nodding firmly. "Y-yeah! Of course I can?! Who do you take me for, huh? I am the-!"

"Great Captain Usopp, yeah yeah yeah, we know, we know," I rolled my eyes impatiently. "Now get to it, would you?"

"R-right, right!" Usopp yelped, running off to find the nearest ladder or staircase possible.

"Nami," I directed my attention at the orange-haired woman. "You and I are going to be engaging in one of the few pirate activities I think you _will_ enjoy."

"Oh yeah?" Nami cocked an eyebrow doubtfully. "What?"

I grinned and clapped my hands together firmly. "Looting everything that isn't nailed down, and a lot that is!"

I could practically _see_ Nami's eyes flash into beri signs. "You have my attention."

" **No shite!"** Soundbite chortled.

Ignoring the snail, I went on. "I think Luffy managed to take out the majority of these guys and the rest are probably either heading for the hills or getting caught in Zoro and Sanji's crossfire. Hence, that leaves an entire town of criminals abandoned and ripe for the picking. I imagine you hear opportunity knocking like I do, right?"

Nami allowed a giggle of child-like glee to slip out of her as she nodded eagerly.

Luffy blinked in confusion as he cupped his ears. "I don't hear anything..."

"Figure of speech, Luffy," Nami and I chorused.

"Anyways," I continued. "You head towards Sanji and Zoro and break them up if you can, then send them back here to tie these guys up so that they don't get loose. I'll head in the opposite direction and see what I can turn up. And keep an eye out, alright? There could still be some stragglers hiding here and there, so there's a good chance they could try and jump us. Got it?"

"You got it, big bro!" Nami chirped before skipping - _skipping! -_ away.

I blinked in numb shock as I tried to process what I'd just seen. "O... kay... that was disturbing..."

" _I feel..._ **unclean..."** Soundbite shivered heavily.

"I haven't been this scared since the last time Grandpa came to visit..." Luffy gulped audibly.

I jerked as I was reminded of my captain's presence. To be specific, I was suddenly all-too-aware of exactly what I'd been saying in his presence.

"Ah, captain, look..." I started uncomfortably. "L... Listen, about the whole 'plans' thing... I-I realize that this is your crew, really. I-if I've been insubordinate or anything-"

"Cross."

I snapped my jaws shut, not because Luffy was angry... but because he was grinning.

"I can't cook."

I blinked in confusion at the non-sequitur. "Uh...?"

"I can't predict the weather," Luffy went on, still grinning serenely. "I can't swing a sword, and I can't lie." His grin widened enough to expose his teeth. "And I'm not that smart, either."

I tried to put the pieces together in vain. "I... Luffy, I don't think I understand."

"Shishishi!" Luffy chuckled as he scratched underneath his nose. "Oh yeah, you weren't there for that, were ya? Ah well. We'll talk about it on the Merry."

"O... kay?" Contrary to what Luffy thought, I actually knew _what_ he was talking about, I just didn't understand _why._ How did _that_ apply in this context?

"Anyways... weren't you going to tell me what your plan was for me?"

I jerked at the reminder. "Ah-! R-right, right... Luffy-!"

"IGARAPPA!"

BANG!

"GAH!" Luffy grunted as he was suddenly jerked forwards by a number of lumps shooting out of his chest. The lumps remained for a second before Luffy growled and _flexed_ furiously, the lumps flattening out and a spread of buckshot shooting out of his back as he let loose a rabid roar.

"HEY, WATCH IT YOU BASTARDS, THAT WAS DANGEROUS!" my captain roared as he wheeled around and charged in the direction of both the voice and the bullets.

I blinked in surprise as my mind caught up with what had just happened. "Smash..." I finished intelligently.

Soundbite giggled as he watched Luffy roar off. " **Puny** GOD!"

"That comes later..." I muttered to myself. "For now, just puny Frontier Agents."

" **ENOUGH TALK!"** Soundbite barked as he jerked his head forwards. "MUSH! MUSH!"

"I'm mushing, I'm mushing..." I complied as I started walking forwards. "But I'm doing it _slowly._ Right now, we need to talk."

The baby transponder snail blinked in confusion. "WE _do?"_

"Yes," I pinned him with a glare. "We do." I jerked my thumb over my shoulder. "I got ambushed _twice_ back there, Soundbite. Not once, _twice."_

" **NOT MY FAULT!"** Soundbite protested.

" _Yes_ your fault!" I accused firmly. "Soundbite, your hearing is _phenomenal._ You _should_ have heard that guy outside of the bathroom, you _should_ have warned me about him. Why didn't you?"

The snail hesitated for a moment before glancing away sheepishly. " _Wasn't_ **listening..."**

"And that almost got us _killed."_

Soundbite made to say something, then bit his lip and looked away uneasily.

I kept walking for a moment before stopping and sighing. "Soundbite... look, I'm sorry for being so harsh. I realize you're young and I realize you're not used to this, but..." I spread my arms and indicated the town around us. "We're in the Grand Line. We can't afford to freeload anymore, either of us. I'm going to be exercising under Zoro, and frankly? You should exercise too. Or at least, practice. Your powers are as strong as they'll be, at least until your body grows up a bit. Until then, all you can do is refine _how_ you use your powers. Nothing more and nothing less. Understand?"

Soundbite was quiet for the longest time as his eyes swivelled back and forth on his eyestalks, before he gave me a look of pure determination, nodding his head firmly. " **Understood."**

I smiled and gave his shell a reassuring pat. "Glad to hear it. And I know how you can start. Remember those stragglers I mentioned could still be around?"

Soundbite nodded, though he looked confused.

"Well, I want you to listen for them. Find their heartbeats, find their breathing, find them talking, find _anything._ Locate anyone left in this town who isn't us and tell me or Nami or anyone else if those people are getting close to them. Do you think you can do that for me?"

Soundbite frowned as he glanced left and right in thought, grinding his teeth slightly. "It's... **hard.** _Need to concentrate..._ **FOCUS** _A LOT..._ _ **WEED THEM OUT...**_ "

I shrugged helplessly. "Sorry, Soundbite, but I said it before we went up the Mountain. Nothing worth doing is easy to do. I'm not asking if it's easy or hard, I'm asking whether you can or cannot do it."

" _I'll..._ _ **try..."**_ Soundbite ground out before snapping a glare at me. " **Quote Yoda** _AND DIE."_

I chuckled as I raised my hands in surrender. "Not a word."

" **GOOD.** **Now...** _Quiet."_

And with that, I shut up as I started going from house to house, popping the doors open and checking out the insides. As it was, this venture was turning out to be _quite_ profitable indeed. Every residence I checked was quite spartan in nature, and had a not inconsiderable stash of money hidden somewhere within, some in pantries, others beneath mattresses, and so on and so forth. Thankfully I'd managed to find a nice big burlap sack to stash the bills in, and after about two hours and a dozen houses, I was lugging what had to be half of Luffy's bounty in cash.

I had to admit, it was quite the ingenious system; if the residents of Whiskey Peak had pooled the rewards of their bounties in a singular vault, then there would always be a chance of someone getting greedy and pulling off a heist. Foolhardy, on account of the Unluckies and other such threats, but a chance nonetheless. But by spreading the wealth throughout the town, no one person would have too much money on them at once. Most likely Igaram and Vivi's teams had larger shares on account of being Agents, but their strength and positions made any thoughts of stealing from them suicidal at best.

As I made the rounds of the house, Soundbite was uncharacteristically silent, his eyes darting back and forth beneath his clenched eyelids. It was easy to tell that the snail was concentrating as hard as he possibly could, keeping track of however many bounty hunters were left in this town.

Ultimately, this concentration paid off when Soundbite snapped his eyes open _just_ as I was about to make my way out of my fifteenth house. " **WAIT,"** he hissed. " _Bounty hunter."_

I promptly froze, my hands inches from the doorknob of the still-ajar door. "Where?" I whispered.

" _Down the street._ **He has a gun."**

I snorted slightly as I rolled my eyes. Of course he did, why _wouldn't_ he have one?

Alright, alright, no time to panic, just need a quick plan... How to best use _noise_ to take this guy out... the obvious answer was subterfuge, so all I needed was a good tri-

Wait... trick... _parlor_ trick... that was it!

"Can you mimic any of the bountyhunters who are still up?" I asked quietly.

Soundbite muttered under his breath for a second before nodding. " _Yeah,"_ he grunted in a foreign voice.

"Alright... here's what I want you to do: swap my voice, and then project it to that guy, while making sure I can hear what he's saying. Can you do it?"

A moment of concentration more and Soundbite nodded firmly. " **Say when."**

"Okay... okay..." I took a calming breath and pressed myself up against the wall of the house, right next to the door. "Do it."

A second later, an electronic-ish whine sounded in my ear. " _ **You're live."**_

" _Pst. Pst!"_ I hissed out. " _Hey, hey, you!"_

" _What the-? W-who-?!"_

" _Shhh! Over here!"_ I tapped the door slightly, causing it to swing a bit. " _Get over here, quietly. One of the pirates is upstairs. We can take him by surprise."_

The silence was _devastating_. For a heart-rending moment, I feared that this wouldn't work...

Until the agent spoke. " _Alright. Hang tight..."_

I took slow, deep breaths as my heart pounded in my chest, every instant seemingly lasting an eternity as I waited for the right moment.

Finally, Soundbite bit out a nigh imperceptible " **Get ready"** into my ear.

A second later, the door started to creak open and I caught sight of the side of _somebody's_ face.

With barely a second thought, I sprung at the man, one fist crashing into the side of his face with all my weight behind it while my free hand grabbed the end of his gun's barrel and _wrenched._ Thankfully, the force and shock factor of my punch was more than enough to cause the man to let go of his weapon as he stumbled in an attempt to catch on to what was going on. Instead of giving the bounty hunter a chance to reorient himself, I jammed the butt of the gun into the guy's gut. As he doubled over, I caught him squarely in the middle of his face with my elbow.

A final overhead swing of the rifle onto the man's head skull put him squarely down for the count.

As I stood there, panting and staring at the prone man in shock, I came to a few realizations: first, I was shaking like I'd been dunked in ice; second, I could _feel_ my heart pumping and roaring in my chest; and third... third was that I had a massive and most likely slightly disturbing grin on my face.

" _-ross? Hey, Cross, is thing thing working?"_

"YERK!" I yelped in shock, jumping almost a foot into the air as Zoro's voice came out of nowhere.

" _Yeah, it's working. Cross, you alright?"_

"Uh..." I stammered dumbly. Right, right... Soundbite must have made a connection... just... just need to calm down. "Fine. Fine, fine, I'm... I just ambushed another agent, but I'm fine."

" _... Cross, did you-?"_

"NO!" I winced at how loud that was. "I... I mean no, no. He's fine. I'm fine. I didn't... he's just unconscious, I wouldn't... not that there's anything _wrong_ with that, not if there's any other-!"

" _Cross, are you_ really _alright?"_

I hesitated slightly as I contemplated my answer before responding. "I... look, Zoro, I know it is _distinctly_ not right to enjoy fighting and violence, I know that... but... the thrill of it all... the rush... that's... that's still safe, right? That's not...?"

" _Are you kicking his head in or breaking his bones for kicks?"_

"Uh..." I looked down at the unconscious man contemplatively, reassuring myself that _yes_ he was still breathing. "Ah, no, no, I didn't do that. I did what needed to be done, nothing more or less."

" _Then you're still sane, Cross. You're still pretty nuts for, well, anyone, but you're not the dangerous kind of nuts. Well... to anyone but yourself, at least. Does that help?"_

I considered this for a moment before promptly sagging in relief. "I... I don't think it _should_ but it does. It really does. Thanks, Zoro."

" _Great. Anyways, the crap cook and I just finished tying these clowns up and Nami wants to start counting cash. Get over here before she gets it in her mind to get you herself."_

I barely choked down a squawk of panic as I grabbed the sack of Beri's I'd accumulated. "On my way!" I grimaced as a thought hit me. "Ah... before I forget, were Mr.9 and Miss Wednesday among the captured? I coulda sworn I caught sight of them when Luffy went to beat down that curly-haired guy."

" _Huh? Yeah, we got them. They tried to attack me and the cook while we were fighting. Psh, as though fighting that moron would distract me even remotely enough for that to work. Why do you ask?"_

"Perfect..." I ground out, doing my best to keep my exasperation out of my voice. That made things... complicated. Or at least, interesting. "I just wanted to know because they seemed like they had higher ranks than the rest, if their low numbers meant anything. A grunt is one thing, executive officers are another barrel of pitch entirely."

" _Fair enough. But don't worry, they're tied up. They won't be causing us any problems."_

"Got it, got it..." I nodded slowly to myself. "Well, anyways, I'll be there in a bit. Hang tight." And with that, I jerked my hand across my throat. The second the connection was cut, I let out a slight groan as I looked up at the sky, searching for an answer. Well _this_ was a fine mess. While the sky _was_ dark, we were still early in the timeline, and without Mr. 5 and Valentine putting seemingly lethal pressure on Vivi and Igaram, neither of the two would spill their identities to us.

Some way, somehow, I needed to get the two to divulge their identities to us and explain their stories. Otherwise... well, best not to contemplate those kinds of consequences. Or the body counts that went alongside them.

Well, standing around separated from the crew wouldn't do anything to help. Besides, maybe the walking could help me think of something.

Fifteen minutes later, I was back at the building and my mind was still giving me squat. As it was, my train of thought could be summed up as a frantic repetition of the words ' _What-do-I-do-What-do-I-do-What-do-I-do-!?'_

"Hey big bro!"

"SONNUVA!" Once _again_ I jerked in shock as a voice, Nami's this time, came straight outta nowhere. I shot a glare at Soundbite. "And you didn't warn me _why!?"_

" **Too** FUNNY!" Soundbite snickered.

"Grgh..." I hissed out before taking in Nami's _very_ ecstatic demeanor. "And as for you, what the heck is with the 'big bro' stuff?"

"Anybody who helps me make fifty million beris in a single night is as good as family to me!" Nami chirped eagerly as she yanked the bag of cash I was holding out of my hands.

I blinked at the sum in shock. "You managed to find fifty mil all on your own?"

"Actually, your bag makes it fifty," Nami clarified as she hefted the bag with a squee.

I ran that phrase in my head for a second before giving the navigator a disturbed look. "Did you just figure out how much money that bag has in it with a _glance?!"_

"It's a gift!" she chirped as she swung the sack up onto her shoulder. "Well! I'm going to go and stow this on the Merry. Go take Sanji's place and tell him to get to work!" And with that, she was off.

I blinked as I tried to come to terms with what had just happened before slowly looking at Soundbite. "That woman is way too scary for someone her size."

" _Shh!_ **SHE COULD HEAR YOU!"**

"I wouldn't put it past her..."

Moving past that little scene, I went inside the building where the Monster Trio was waiting.

"Hey Cross!" Luffy waved as he eagerly munched down on some of the leftovers. "Have fun?"

"For a certain degree of the word 'fun', anyways," I tilted my hand side-to-side with a grimace before looking at the other two. "What about you guys?"

Sanji coughed uncomfortably as he refused to meet my eyes. "I... overreacted slightly during the fight and Nami got a bit angry with me. Nothing serious."

I _swear_ I could feel a drop of sweat hang from my head as I took in the mass of bruises that adorned Sanji and Zoro's skulls, as well as a few small cuts on Sanji's face and legs. "Yes... I can see that. Anyways..." I jerked a thumb over my shoulder. "Nami wants us to switch out. Grab a bag and start looting, I'll stay here and keep an eye on these clowns."

"Got it," Sanji nodded as he walked off. "I'll grab some food while we're at it. We're running a bit low... Maybe a few barrels of fresh water too..." And with that he was off, muttering out a growing list the entire way.

I watched him leave for a moment before turning and taking stock of our former attackers. The majority of the bounty hunters were still unconscious, their limbs tied behind their backs with several lengths of rope. However, not all of them were dead to the world. As it was, Mister 9, Mister 8 and Miss Wednesday were all still conscious, if badly bruised, and gagged as well as bound. The trio was showing off their mental clarity by pinning us all with furious glares.

I gave the trio a once-over before glancing at Zoro. "They say anything?"

The swordsman scoffed as he poked around in the house's wreckage for a bottle that was still intact. "Nothing worth listening to, anyways."

I hummed in understanding as I contemplated the Frontier Agents; specifically, Miss Wednesday. The second she caught me looking at her, however, she affixed me with a thunderous _look._ It was quite the expression to behold. In fact, the way she'd been acting the entire time I'd known her actually seemed a bit... familiar...

Wait... could that actually _work?_ It was certainly a _possibility_ , no doubt. After all, Vivi _prided_ herself on _not_ being like _that_ , so maybe...?

There was only one way to find out.

I pointed at Miss Wednesday. "Do you mind if I take her gag out? I want to ask her something."

Luffy and Zoro blinked at me in confusion before shrugging indifferently. "Go ahead."

"Thanks..." I walked up to the bound woman and knelt in front of her, yanking out the cloth lodged between her teeth.

Miss Wednesday spat and gagged for a moment before glaring at me venomously. "What do _you_ want?" she growled.

I've said it before and I'll say it again: Vivi was a hell of an actor. If I didn't know the truth about her personality, I'd say she was as much of a bitch as she was making herself out to be.

And it was the sheer disparity between her two personalities that I was banking on.

"What's your name?" I asked.

The 'Agent' cocked her head with a haughty sniff. "Are you daft? You know full well that my name is Miss Wednesday."

I grumbled in exasperation as I rolled my eyes. "Your _real_ name, smartass, not your codename."

I could practically _feel_ Mr. 8's eyes boring into me as the blue-haired woman twitched imperceptibly. "Wh- why do you want to know?"

I shrugged as I maintained my flat stare. "I want to know your family name so that I can confirm a theory I have."

A cold sweat appeared on Miss Wednesday's brow as she swallowed slightly. "What... what are you talking about?"

"You can cut the act, it's written all over you. The way you walk, the way you look at me and my friends, the way you _carry_ yourself..." I tilted my head to the side _just_ so. "You're rich, aren't you?"

_That_ prompted Wednesday to blink in shock. "I... w-what?"

"Your family, they have plenty of money, don't they?" I clarified. "Every one of your mannerisms is textbook blue-blood behavior, the kind that you learn over the course of your whole life, and that can only mean one thing: you're loaded, and you grew up loaded."

Miss Wednesday flapped her jaw uselessly for a moment as she attempted, _attempted_ to come up with an answer. "W-w-what- What does it matter if my family has money?" Her gaze suddenly turned steely. "Are you looking to hold me for ransom or something, hm? Is that it?"

I couldn't help but smile at the deflection. Smart girl, very impressive. Too bad she was a mile off-base. "Not even remotely. I just wanted to confirm that before asking you my _real_ question: why?" Wednesday blinked in shock, but I pressed on before she could respond. "Why are you here? You have money, you have standing, you _have_ things, period. So why join Baroque Works, hm? Why would a pretty girl like you, someone with everything, be slumming with a nefarious criminal organization? And don't try to tell me this isn't a step down from your usual accommodations."

_Those_ questions managed to do the job, putting Miss Wednesday on edge and forcing her to avert her gaze. "I... what... why would you _possibly-?"_

" _I want to know,"_ I asserted firmly, leaning to the side so that I was looking at her straight in the face. "Because tonight, I was attacked by people who were acting with full intent to kill, and as such I want to know _why._ I want _some_ kind of motivation, I want to know _why_ someone like _you_ would be so willing to kill me. The rest of these chumps? That's easy: they want to get rich, and at least I can understand the idea, even if I don't even remotely respect it.

"But _you?"_ I jabbed my finger at her. "As I said before, you're loaded. You don't _need_ to lower yourself to base violence to get rich because you already _are._ So what I want to know is why. Why the hell are you here?"

Wednesday bit her lip furiously as she twisted this way and that where she was sitting, wholly unwilling to look at me.

"Was it for the thrill of it?" I demanded. "Were you sick and tired of living a safe and secure life? Because I'll admit, the rush is a _hell_ of a thing. Or maybe it was simply youthful rebellion? Tired of being daddy's precious little _princess,"_ I spat the word, causing Wednesday to flinch. "All the time, wanted to escape your sheltered life?" I cast a disdainful glance at Mr. 9. "I _seriously_ doubt you decided to do it for romance, especially not with him..." I then looked at Mr. 8 with a grimace. "And I _really_ hope not with him."

"MMMPH!" The pair roared furiously beneath their gags, though for different reasons.

Meanwhile, Miss Wednesday was outright squirming in her spot, _clearly_ uncomfortable to the extreme. Just one more push...

I made a show of tensing up as a thought hit me. "Or maybe..." I shot an accusing glare at her. "You _like_ it, don't you?"

Wednesday glanced at me in confusion.

"You _like_ causing pain."

And just like that, horror washed across her face, her entire body tensing up as though she'd been struck by lightning "No..." she breathed numbly..

"That's it, isn't it?" I denounced vehemently. "You _like_ hurting people, you _like_ killing them, hunting them down."

"No, no, no..."

"You like torturing them, ending their lives, gaining their trust and stabbing them in the back the second they least suspect it. The entire reason you're here is that you take _pleasure_ out of the suffering of others, suffering that _you-!"_

" _NO!"_

I jerked back in shock at the sudden scream, barely managing to keep a victorious grin off my face.

Miss Wednesday was long gone, and in her place sat Princess Nefertari Vivi of Alabasta, huffing and panting furiously as she stared at me with equal parts royal fury and honest desperation.

"That is _not_ true!" Vivi spat heatedly. "You think I _like_ doing this? You think I _enjoyed_ causing so much pain? I _hate_ hurting people! I've hated it my entire life! Every second I've been a part of this organization, every _instant_ I've worked for it, I have had to fight against every fiber of my _being_ to keep going! I promise you, there is not _one_ person on the planet who hates Baroque Works more than I do!"

"Then why join!?" I demanded, getting right up in her face. "Why become a part of it, why climb the ranks until you were mere _inches_ away from the top?! What possible purpose did that serve!?"

"Espionage, primarily."

"Although I wouldn't be surprised if there was a little sabotage in there too, kyahaha!"

My blood ran cold as a _very_ familiar pair of voices sounded out behind me, and judging by the way Vivi suddenly paled in absolute terror, my memory wasn't faulty in this regard.

With an _immense_ amount of dread, I slowly stood up and turned around, taking in the duo that were standing out in the street: a dark-skinned man wearing a trenchcoat and a bubbly woman in a yellow lemon-themed sundress carrying a parasol.

"Honestly now, you've been _quite_ busy..." Miss Valentine mused with a grin. "Haven't you, _Princess_ Nefertari Vivi of Alabasta?"

Luffy blinked at the Officer Agents in confusion. "Who the heck are these guys?" He then twisted his head around to look at Vivi. "And you're a princess? For real?"

All Vivi could manage was a panicked whimper as she trembled in place.

Zoro snorted as he looked them over, his right hand clenched around Wado Ichimonji. "More Baroque Works agents, if I had to guess."

"Yeah..." I grit out darkly. "At a glance, I'm going to say... Mr. 5 and Miss... what, April Fool's Day?"

"Kyahaha!" the woman cackled. "Valentine's Day, actually, but good guess! I'm glad to see that my sunny disposition is so impressionable! Just for that, I'll make your death painless!"

"You should consider yourself lucky," Mr. 5 grunted. "Usually she likes to take her sweet time."

"I'm _honored,"_ I drawled sarcastically. Beneath my breath, I hissed at Soundbite out of the corner of my mouth. " _Nice job keeping a lookout!"_

" **I** WAS _listening!"_ the baby snail protested. " **I** _ **heard**_ _THEM_ **coming."**

"Alright you two, enough of the comedy routine," Zoro growled, sliding Wado Ichimonji out of its sheath. "What do you want?"

"What we want isn't important," Mr. 5 sniffed. "What's important is what our boss wants, and what he wants is her _majesty's_ head served to him on a silver platter, along with her keeper-" He jerked his head at Mr. 8. "Igaram, Commander of the Royal Guard of Alabasta."

"Of course, seeing how you all seem to know _so_ much about our organization," Miss Valentine's grin went from ear to ear, showing off her psychopathy at it's fullest. "We'll need to kill you all as well! Nothing personal, kyahahaha!"

"Yes, because that's exactly the kind of reassurance a person wants to hear." I deadpanned before growling at Soundbite. " _Well why the hell didn't you_ say _anything!?"_

" **I** DID _SAY_ **something!"**

Before I could question what he meant, both Mr. 5 and Miss Valentine fell into ready positions.

"Now then..." the male half of the duo started.

"Let's get started, kyahaha!" the woman finished.

They started to move... and promptly jerked simultaneously before falling face-first to the ground.

I blinked in confusion as I tried to process what the _heck_ had just happened. "Uh...?"

" _Kyahahaha!"_ Soundbite cackled. " **I just** DIDN'T SAY IT _to you!"_

"What the hell are you-?!"

" _Hey, guys! You alright down there?"_

I stared at Soundbite for a second as he belted out Usopp's voice before allowing my jaw to drop open in shock. "That... was genius."

" **Thank** _yoooou!"_ he sang in response.

"Tch, cocky little shit..." Zoro grunted as he clicked his sword back into its sheath, not even bothering to hide the smirk he was wearing. "We're fine, Usopp. Nice going."

"Yeah, that was a great shot!" Luffy nodded in agreement.

" _Uh... y-yeah! Of course it was! After all, what else would you expect from The Great-!"_

"We know!" I groaned tiredly. "Look, you can gloat later, when we're out of danger. For now? Soundbite, broadcast to the whole of crew."

One electronic whine later and the snail announced " **You're live!"**

"Sanji, drop what you're doing and hightail it to the Merry, pronto. Nami, if you're still onboard, _stay_ there. We need to meet up as soon as possible."

I glanced between Vivi and Igaram contemplatively.

"We have a _lot_ to talk about."

**-o-**

"Alright, you two." I crossed my arms with a huff as I leaned against the Merry's thankfully unmolested main mast. "Start talking: just what in the blue hell have we stumbled ass-backwards into?"

After cutting Vivi and Igaram's binds, we all spent a few minutes relocating to Merry's deck, where our crew had encircled the pair of royals and were watching them curiously.

Vivi, with her hair now let down into a looser and far more comfortable-looking ponytail, looked at us desperately for a moment before hanging her head with a heavy sigh. "How much do you all know about the kingdom of Alabasta?"

"Princess!" Igaram attempted to protest.

"They just saved our _lives,_ Igaram! Even after we tried to kill them!" Vivi cut him off firmly. "They have a right to know!"

The Captain of the Guard hesitated for a second before conceding with a slump of his shoulders.

Vivi stared at him for a moment longer before looking back at us. "As I was saying..."

"We've never heard of it," Nami shrugged.

"Believe it or not, a lot of people in the East Blue would probably be surprised to learn the Grand Line actually _has_ kingdoms, much less any kind of person living in it besides pirates," I added.

"I see..." Vivi nodded slowly. "Well, you have to understand: our home, Alabasta, was once \l as one of, if not _the_ most peaceful nation on the Grand Line."

Sanji frowned as he gnawed on his cigarette contemplatively. "When you say 'was'..."

"In recent years, the country has been wracked with rebellion," Vivi lamented miserably, her voice filled with pain and misery. "Not the Revolutionaries, they've never had any quarrels with us, but a truly natural one. There have been riots, uprisings, chaos in general... at first, it appeared like my kingdom, my _home_ was tearing itself apart..."

"Until I discovered- ahem, excuse me, ma, ma, _MAH!"_ Igaram recited hastily. "Until I discovered rumors about the criminal organization known as Baroque Works. They have been using their agents to covertly disseminate unrest amongst the populace, turning the people against the crown. I attempted to discover a motive, but... none were forthcoming."

"When I found out about Baroque Works, I came to Igaram for help," Vivi explained. "I wanted to infiltrate the organization so that I could investigate it from the inside, and discover the identity of their leader, as well as his intentions."

"Damn..." Zoro whistled in awe. "Pretty damn gutsy for a princess."

"You will address Princess Vivi with respect, you-!" Igaram started to bluster before Vivi slapped his arm.

"Igaram!" she huffed. "Apologize to Mister Bushido, now!"

Most of the crew, myself included, hastily whipped our hands up to cover the smirks and scoffs we gave out.

"Mister Bushido?" I couldn't help but ask, gently elbowing him in the side.

Zoro's eye twitched as he let out a growl. "Are you...?"

"I apologize, Mister Bushido," Igaram spoke up, nodding firmly at Zoro.

"THAT'S NOT MY NAME, DAMN IT!" the swordsman roared amidst our renewed laughter.

"A-a-anyways, anyways..." I finally managed to get out. "D-did you manage to figure out what they're after?"

And just like that, the good mood died as Vivi's expression sobered. "Yes, we did. The aim of Baroque Works, the entire reason the organization was created, is to conquer Alabasta. They created and exploited the rebellion, and I need to return home as quickly as possible so that I can expose the truth, before my people unwittingly throw themselves into Baroque Works' clutches."

"I see..." Usopp mused. "That's quite the story..."

"So who's the boss?" Luffy asked eagerly.

"Aye!" I nodded in agreement. "Who's patient zero? Or, well, _Mister_ Zero as it were?"

"DON'T ASK US THAT!" Vivi and Igaram shouted simultaneously.

"You must understand, Bawo- ahem, ma, ma, _MAH!_ \- Baroque Works prides itself on secrecy!" Igaram explained hastily. "Mister Zero is already attempting to kill us because we know his identity! Were we to share it with you, then you would become targets as well!"

"Fine by us!" Nami waved her hands hastily with a shaky grin. "We're kind of in over our heads already, I don't want to go any deeper!"

"I do!" I piped up hastily. "This sounds _sweet!"_

"Bring him on!" Luffy grinned as he pounded his fists together.

" _Bring him on! Bring him on!"_ Soundbite parroted eagerly.

"Anyone who hurts someone as beautiful as you deserves to taste my shoe leather, the _hard_ way," Sanji growled.

"Meh, we can take him," Zoro grunted.

"NO WE CAN'T!" Usopp and Nami roared.

"Look, you're all very strong, you've proven that," Vivi replied, her tone and hands raised placatingly. "But I have to agree with those two. You're no match for Sir Crocodile, one of the Seven Warlords of the Sea."

Vivi immediately clapped her hands over her mouth, her eyes wide in horror. Too late, though. We had _all_ heard it. Nami was hugging herself desperately and Usopp had fainted dead away.

"You just told us," Zoro deadpanned, his jaw and brow twitching furiously.

A heavy silence fell over us all as we all stared at Vivi in shock.

Igaram stared at Vivi in shock.

The rest of the crew and I stared at Vivi in shock.

Mr. 13 and Miss Friday stared at Vivi in... well, honestly, they just seemed to stare from where they were perched on the upper deck's railing, the sunglasses made it hard to tell, but they were sure as heck staring nonetheless.

Then they stared at the rest of as we all took notice of them and stared up in surprise.

After a minute, they glanced at each other for a second before Mr. 13 jumped on Friday's back and she took off, the duo soaring into the heavens.

"The bird and the otter! Who are they?!" Nami shrieked, grabbing Vivi by the collar and shaking her back and forth. "Are they going to report us!? Well!?"

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry..." Vivi whimpered as she let herself hang in Nami's grip, tears streaming down her frozen, mortified face.

"Hear that?" I heard Luffy say excitedly behind me. "One of the seven warlords!"

"Yeah, this could be fun," Zoro replied. I barely resisted the urge to facepalm at the arrogant smirk I could _hear_ in his voice.

"Hmm... Crocodile... usually best cooked from frozen, but I suppose I'll be able to make do with raw as well."

I sent a smirk at Igaram as I patted him on the back. "She needs to work on her impulse control a bit, huh?"

"Princess Vivi..." the Captain moaned piteously, burying his face in his hands.

"I'm so sorry, it just slipped out..." Vivi continued to moan, apparently only half-conscious of what she was saying.

" _Slipped out!?_ Now those bastards are going to try and kill us too!" Nami roared at her before finally tossing the princess away and starting to sob piteously, clutching her face in despair. "Not even a full day into the Grand Line and already one of the Warlords wants us dead! This is too much, too much! What did I ever do to deserve this!?"

"Do you want that list chronologically or alphabetically?" I offered.

"SHUT THE HELL UP!"

"We're lucky, we'll be able to meet him soon."

"I wonder what he's like..."

"Eh, he can't be too tough."

" _THAT GOES FOR YOU TOO!"_ Nami roared at the Monster Trio before turning on her heel and marching away with a huff. "Well, I feel your pain and I'm sorry for the both of you, but this is where we part ways! Hit the road, you two! Cross, help me hoist the sails!"

"Huh?" Luffy blinked in confusion. "Where're we goin'?"

"Anywhere but here! Those bastards don't know what we look like, so we've still got a chance to get away! Now stop lollygagging and hurry-!" Nami cut herself off as she heard the sound of a pencil scratching on paper.

A glance to the side revealed the Unluckies perched back on the ship's railing, with Mr. 13 drawing furiously on a sketchpad. He then proceeded to flip it around and show off a couple pages, each displaying a _scary_ good sketch of one of us, even Soundbite.

"Wow, you're pretty good!" Nami chirped as she clapped her hands eagerly.

"Yeah," I couldn't help but snark up. "Not a bad parlor trick. What else can you do, balance a ball on your nose?"

The otter stared at me flatly for a second before reversing his sketchpad and drawing furiously on it for a minute, flipping through several dozen pages in seconds.

When he was done, he held the book upside down and started to let the pages fall. I blinked in shock at what I saw.

"Wow, a flip book, and with me in it!" I whistled in awe. "Damn that's impressive... so I'm walking along... then I'm getting shot in the leg... and now I'm being disemboweled... and now your partner is... is..." I trailed off as I continued to observe the macabre spectacle. "...Okay, that's just _wrong."_

His job done, 13 leapt back on Friday and they took off anew, soaring towards the horizon.

"PERFECT, NOW THERE'S NOWHERE LEFT TO RUN!" Nami howled furiously.

Oh like hell I was letting this opportunity slip away!

"Not quite!" I growled as I glanced at Soundbite. "Wake him up, now!"

" **BWAAAAAH!"** Soundbite complied, blasting a foghorn across the deck and causing Usopp to scramble awake with a shriek.

"Who-wha-where-!?"

I hastily grabbed Usopp's shoulder and oriented him at the retreating pair of assassins. "Targets at 12-o-clock, priority target, shoot them down, now now now!"

What happened next was, in all honesty, a thing of beauty. In the span of a few scant seconds, Usopp snapped his goggles down, whipped his slingshot up, loaded, took aim, and _fired._

An instant later, the Unluckies jerked in the sky and plummeted, a faint squawk managing to make its way back to us.

I breathed a sigh of relief as I patted the sniper on the shoulder. "Nicely done."

Usopp blinked out at the sea for a second before looking at me in confusion. "Uh... thanks, I think? What just happened?"

"You just got us off scott free!" Nami squeed exuberantly. "Usopp, if you were anyone else I'd kiss you!"

"... I'll take it."

"Er, Nami?" I couldn't help but speak up hesitantly. "It's not that easy. A, we already messed with Baroque Works by taking out this town, so unless you're willing to kill everyone here..."

Nami gained an uncomfortable expression. "Well..."

"And B..." I pointed at Soundbite with a grimace. "You're sailing with the loudest snail in the world, who now knows one of the most _dangerous_ secrets in the world."

"CROC- **O-** _ **DILE,**_ CROC- **O-** _ **DILE,**_ _Mister_ ZERO is CROC- **O-** _ **DILE!"**_ Soundbite piped up helpfully. Well, his version of it, anyways.

Nami's face immediately fell into a massive scowl. "I am _so_ tempted to eat you right now..."

"It's no use, Nami," Zoro smirked as he patted her on the shoulder. "The fact is, one way or another? We're on Baroque Works' hitlist."

"Sounds like fun to me!" Luffy grinned eagerly.

"We're gonna _diiieee..."_ Nami moaned as she slumped on the deck, clutching her knees to her chest.

"I'm so sorry..." Vivi attempted to comfort her desperately, patting her on the back.

"Um, excuse me?" Igaram spoke up hesitantly. "I realize that we have caused you an immense amount of trouble, but if at all possible, I would like to make one final request of you. For the sake of our nation, Princess Vivi must be returned to Alabasta at all haste. As such, I would request that you transport her home upon your ship. You are all quite powerful, so I imagine that you would be able to handle the Agents that will be sent after us with little problem.

"Please!" Igaram shocked us by falling on his hands and knees and bowing deeply. "You will be rewarded most handsomely, just bring our beloved Princess home, I beg of you!"

"Igaram..." Vivi said quietly.

"Nah, don't worry about it!" Luffy said, grinning as he waved his hand in front of his face. "We'll get her home for you, no problem!"

The rest of the crew, myself included, tensed furiously at the statement, casting panicked glances at Nami.

The orange-haired woman sniffled and sobbed for a moment longer before standing up with a sigh and slapping a hand to her forehead. "Well, I guess if those are the captain's wishes than we don't have a choice. Alright, we'll do it."

I gaped at Nami in blatant shock. "Wait, you're not going to lambast Luffy for passing up your chance to name a price to _royalty?!"_

Nami blinked and considered for a moment before shrugging indifferently. "Meh, not really. After all..." She suddenly grinned toothily and threw an arm over my shoulders. "You helped me make _quite_ the mint today, big bro! Seventy million berries in a single night? That's practically _unheard of_ outside the bounty hunting business! So..." Nami adopted a contemplative look for a moment. "...Yeah, I'm feeling pretty generous for the moment."

" _Blasphemy..."_ Zoro and Usopp hissed in awe.

"CRAM IT, YOU TWO!"

"Aaaand she's back."

"B-but Igaram!" Vivi protested. "You keep speaking about getting _me_ to Alabasta, keeping _me_ safe, but what about yourself?! I won't just leave you here, I refuse!"

Igaram smiled kindly as he laid a hand on her shoulder. "Fear not, my princess, we shall meet again in Alabasta. You see, I have a plan."

**-o-**

"That was one of the most terrifying things I've ever seen..." Sanji grit out, puffing on two cigarettes at once as we watched Igaram set sail.

"I guess, but still, you've gotta admit, doing something like that takes real guts," Usopp noted.

"Mmm... yeah, I guess you're right..." the cook conceded.

As our decoy set out into the night, I took the opportunity to tap Vivi on the shoulder to get her attention. "Listen..." I scratched the back of my head sheepishly as I spoke. "About what I said earlier? I'm _really_ sorry about all that. I was coming off an adrenaline high and _something_ didn't feel right about it all, so..."

"No no, it's fine," Vivi raised her hands placatingly. "You weren't in a right state of mind, it's alright. Honestly, I'm grateful. If you hadn't made me break character then, I probably wouldn't have until it was far too late. As it stands..." She smiled gratefully at me. "Without you, neither Igaram or I would still be alive."

I made to respond...

BOOM! _FWOOSH!_

And was cut off by the horizon becoming _fire_.

I was slightly aware of a strangled sound crawling out of my throat as I stared at the nigh-unholy bonfire that was lighting up the night. Two pressing questions jumped at me: first, how in holy hell did Igaram survive _that?!_ And second, what the _hell_ did Robin do, detonate a metric ton of water-resistant explosives on top of an underwater volcano or something!?

"THEY GOT TO HIM ALREADY!?" Usopp squawked in panic.

"What kind of monsters are these people?" Sanji breathed as his cigarettes slipped from his lips in shock.

" **Hooooly** _SHIT,"_ Soundbite hissed in agreement.

Luffy snorted murderously as he stared out at the blaze. "Damn it... I LIKED THAT GUY!"

"Nami, how's the Log Pose?" Zoro demanded.

"I-It's set," Nami stammered as she checked the instrument.

"Good. Then we need to set sail immediately," he grunted as he turned on his heel and started to run towards town. "Get moving! The ship's not gonna sail itself!"

And so we all started running towards the Merry... all except for one.

"Vivi, come on!" Nami shook the princess desperately, trying to break her out of her stupor. "We need to get out of here, if they find us-!"

"Nami," I cut her off hastily, pointing out the line of blood that was starting to trail down Vivi's too-tight lip.

Nami stared at Vivi in shock for a second before hastily wrapping her up in a hug, rubbing her back soothingly. "It's alright! We will _definitely_ get you to Alabasta, I promise!" she swore firmly. "I realize that the guys don't seem like much... but they managed to save the East Blue all on their own! A Warlord of the Sea?" She scoffed derisively. "That's _nothing!"_

Noticing how she was still staring at the fire with dead eyes, I hastily stepped into her line of sight. "Don't look at that, Vivi, don't even _think_ about it. Think about Alabasta, think about your friends, think about your family. Think about every reason you have to stay alive. Think about making those bastards _pay!"_

_That_ managed to snap Vivi out of her stupor as she sucked in a ragged breath, forcing herself to clench her eyes shut and look away. "C... Carue... w-w-we can't leave without Carue!"

I adopted an expression of despair. " _Please_ tell me you don't mean that 9 guy, if I need to stay on a ship with him any longer than I have to..."

"N-no, no!" Vivi shook her head firmly. "Carue's a duck, a _supersonic_ duck. I lost track of him in the fight! I-I've known him my whole life, I can't leave without him!"

"Soundbite?" I glanced at my snail.

Soundbite listened for a moment before blinking in surprise. " _Hiding_ **on** _**THE MERRY!"**_

"What?! By why would- Ah, right!" Vivi slapped her forehead in realization. "Of course, last place he thought you'd ever look."

"Well come on!" Nami spun Vivi around and gave her a shove. "No more waiting, we need to go, now!"

Vivi stumbled forwards, sparing a final glance at the raging inferno before running at full tilt.

Nami blew out a heavy sigh as we followed behind the Princess. "She's a strong girl..."

"This is about more than just keeping our word now, isn't it?" I asked quietly. "This... this just became _personal."_

Nami nodded in agreement, a dark scowl painting her face. "Crocodile, and Baroque Works... doing something like this to her after all they've done to her kingdom? To her _people?_ ...Yeah. This is _very_ personal."

I snorted darkly as I looked back ahead, doing the best I could to ignore the slight burning sensation in my chest as I picked up my pace slightly. "Then let's get it done!"

A scant minute of running later and we were back onboard the Merry, with the rest of the guys scrambling to get the sails set and Vivi hugging her oversized duck gratefully.

"I'm _so_ happy you're safe, Carue!" she mumbled into his feathers. "I... I can't imagine what I'd do if I'd lost you too!"

Carue rubbed his childhood friend's back soothingly with one of his wings as he opened his beak. "Qua - on't ever leave you, I pwomise!"

Vivi sniffed as she rubbed his neck gratefully. "Thank you, Carue, you have no idea how much that means to-!"

She, as well as everyone _else_ on board, promptly froze as we processed what the _hell_ had just happened.

Finally, most everyone simply jumped back in shock as they stared at Carue. "YOU CAN TALK!?"

"I CAN TAWK!?" Carue quacked in agreement.

"Pff..."

The reason I said most everyone jumped was that I didn't do the same. Why you ask? Simple.

"PFFHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

I was too busy roaring with laughter as I rolled on the deck, tears flowing and gut heaving as I laughed and laughed and _laughed,_ and Soundbite was right there with me.

"WHAT THE HELL IS SO FUNNY!?" everyone else roared at me, Carue included.

That only got me laughing even _harder_ as I fought to lift a hand and point at Carue. "D-DUCK! DUCK! PFFHAHAHAHAAA!"

"WHAT'S WONG WITH ME BEING A DUCK!?" Carue squawked indignantly.

"N-N-NO!" I managed to get through my howls. "D-D-DONALD! _DONALD_ DUCK! Y-YOU'RE SPEAKING IN _DONALD DUCK'S VO-O-OICE,_ HAHAHAHAAAAA!"

"Who the heck is Donald Duck!?" Nami demanded.

"A-a comedian back home!" I wheezed helplessly. "H-he played this guy with a makebelieve Duck-Zoan Devil Fruit! His recordings are _cla-a-assics!_ C-Carue's speaking in his voice, it's... HAHAHA! Oh man, it's like my _childhood_ is speaking to me!"

"B-but how is that possible!?" Vivi stammered in confusion.

"I think I've got an idea..." Nami mused as she looked at the still-cackling Soundbite.

The baby transponder took a moment to get his laughter back under control before nodding eagerly. "I'M _TRANSLATING_ **for** _**HIM!**_ _I'M being_ **creative!** I'm _halping!_ "

"Nice... nice work, Soundbite!" I wheezed as I managed to work my way back up to my feet. "That's _exactly_ what I was talking about!"

"Well, thanks for letting me shpeak and evewything," Carue said before scowling and flapping his wings energetically. "But does it weally have ta be in _thish_ voish!?"

" _YES!"_ Soundbite and I roared simultaneously, alongside a cackling Luffy.

"Man, your duck's great, Vivi!" Luffy laughed.

"Say 'she sells sea shells' _PFFHAHAHA!"_ I roared.

Carue promptly devolved into a series of murderous and _very_ familiar-sounding grumbling, which only served to set me off once anew.

" _OH WOULD YOU SHAD-UACK!"_

I blinked in surprise as Carue suddenly devolved into traditional squawking. "What the-? Soundbite, why did you- SOUNDBITE!?" I yelled in shock as I stared at my _very_ empty shoulder.

"What the-!? Where the hell did that little pest go!?" Usopp demanded.

"Shitshitshitshit..." I cursed vehemently as I patted myself down. "Where could he have gone?!"

"Maybe he fell off while he was laughing?"

"No, you don't know Soundbite," I denied as I continued looking around. "He's damn good at multi-tasking, he wouldn't let go without a damn good rea-!" I trailed off into a choked gurgle as for the second time that night a familiar voice sounded behind me.

Moving _very_ slowly, cautious and ready to jerk at the sign of _any_ extra weight on my body, I slowly got to my feet and turned around.

And there she was, sitting on the upper deck's railing, clad in a cowboy-themed uniform that displayed a _very_ generous amount of skin.

She had many names and titles. Devil's Child, sole survivor of Ohara, archaeologist, assassin, pirate, and most likely so many more.

Weighing in at a hefty 79 _million,_ her bounty served to rightfully denote her as one of, if not _the_ most deadly person on our ship at the moment.

One day, she would be a crewmate. One day, I would call her my friend, and we would most likely smile and laugh and cry right alongside one another.

But right here, right now?

At this moment, this woman was my enemy, _our_ enemy... and she'd done _something_ to Soundbite.

And there was nothing I could do about it.

"Hello there," Nico Robin purred coyly. "I'm Miss All Sunday. Pleased to meet you."


	9. Chapter 9

### Chapter 9: To The Edge Of The World! Tales Of A Pirate Crew's Journey!

### Chapter Text

The first few seconds of the encounter, I focused on keeping my thoughts firm and logical: ' _She won't hurt him, he's just a snail, she probably just wanted to shut him up before he actually thought to listen again - going to need to talk to him about that - so he's fine. I just need to be calm, wait my turn, and very_ politely _ask if I could have him back please.'_

The next few seconds, I became aware that my mouth was moving without my explicit control. I only managed to catch the tail end of what I was saying, but the general gist could be summarized as "where the hell is my snail you bitch".

The _next_ second, my thought process could be summarized as the phrase ' _Damn it, mouth.'_

Robin cocked an eyebrow at me, though her expression was otherwise studiously disinterested. "Well now, that was quite a rude greeting."

"CROSS!" Sanji snarled as he stomped towards me. "How _dare_ you talk to a woman like that!?"

I briefly considered apologizing for my behavior... but I swiftly dismissed it in favor of snarling back at the cook. "I don't care if she's Miss Universe, _she just did something to Sound—_ ACK!"

Before I could work myself into a right proper rant, I was cut off by the swift and sudden obstruction of my air supply. Whipping my hands up to scrabble at my throat, I swiftly identified the problem: a set of foreign fingers that were as iron-hard as they were young and smooth and firmly crushing my windpipe.

"Mister Jeremiah?" Vivi asked in concern. "Mister Jeremiah, what's wrong!?"

For some reason, even as I heaved and thrashed in a marginally successful effort to keep myself upright and inhale _any_ amount of fresh air, the only thing I could think was ' _Do I look like an octogenarian to you!?'_

"Oh, nothing much, really," I heard Robin's voice say in unconcerned manner. "He's just learning a lesson on manners is all."

Honestly, I could only _imagine_ what this looked like to the crew. To the world, it must have appeared that I was choking on thin air, but the truth was far more terrifying: in a deft display of her mastership over her powers, Robin had _somehow_ managed to sprout an arm within the lining of my jacket, most likely by momentarily affixing one of her eyes to my shirt, and had snaked it up along my chest in order to set it to start throttling me.

In most situations, I would probably be impressed by the feat. As it was, however, I was a bit put off on account of how I was being _choked like a bitch._

I staggered slightly as I tried to wrench the fingers open. I _really_ hoped no one did anything monumentally stupid any time soon, otherwise-

"LET GO OF MY COMMIE!"

Sometimes, I'm not even sure why I bothered.

I was _barely_ able to catch sight of Luffy leaping up at Robin, but I _definitely_ saw Robin slide over a mere foot to her right, thus allowing my captain to sail right past her. A moment later, Luffy's very panicked and _very_ outraged cries sounded back to us, though they swiftly became muffled.

"My my... you're quite the rambunctious lot, aren't you?"

"Why you-!" I could hear the rest of the crew snarl furiously, the sounds of weapons being drawn sounding out for a moment before being replaced by the sounds of those same weapons hitting the deck.

"Hmph... could you please not point such dangerous things at me? It's quite rude."

"Hrrrgrrghh..." I gargled out rebelliously.

"Please, stop!" Vivi pleaded desperately. "I'll do anything you want, just let Mister Jeremiah go!"

"Hmm... very well..." I could practically _hear_ the smug in Robin's voice. If I wasn't currently being strangled to death, I might have done something about that. "You just need to do one thing."

"Name it!"

The air of smug _somehow_ intensified immensely. "Thank me."

" _WHAT!?"_

"Thank me for helping you. After all, I helped you identify Mister Zero, didn't I?"

"You're the one who told Crocodile that we'd found out about him in the first place!"

"And that's _all_ I did. Well, apart from disposing of Mr. 8, of course. I believe that that qualifies as being extremely generous, no?"

" _YOU KILLED IGARAM!?"_

Robin's weary sigh echoed slightly on the edge of my hearing. "My my, you do love to nitpick, don't you? Instead of asking questions of me, perhaps you should be asking yourself how much air you think your friends' 'Commie' has left, hm?"

Oh _hell_ no. Future crewmate or not, there was no Freudian excuse on the _planet_ valid enough to make me sit around and let this cocky _bitch—_ and indeed, at this moment she was _definitely_ acting like a bitch—use me as _leverage!_

As the very edges of my vision started to turn _ever_ so slightly black, I renewed my scrabbling at the grip on my throat, trying to make _any_ kind of difference. Unfortunately, however, either I was way weaker than I thought I was, or Robin exercised her hands with _religious_ fervor.

...Not like that! God, no. That was the last thing I needed on my mind at the moment.

Just as things started tunneling before me, I managed to find _some_ form of leverage, wrapping my fingers around a lone protrusion of flesh I could feel.

In a final burst of desperation, I wormed both my hands around the protrusion and _yanked_ as hard as I could.

Never before had the sound of a thumb joint disintegrating into shredded ligament brisket sounded so genuinely _appealing_.

The next instant, the limb evaporated into ethereal flower petals and I _breathed,_ inhaling what felt like ten lungfuls of air at once before coughing heavily enough to _expel_ one of those selfsame lungs. "Crazy... bloody... _demon witch..."_ I wheezed.

"Cross! Are you alright?!" Usopp asked as he rushed to my side and helped support me.

"Y- _hurk..."_ I wheezed miserably as I massaged my aching throat. "Yeah, I'm fine..." I sent an acrid glare up at Robin, who I was gratified to see was shaking her hand out with a marginally annoyed frown. "I'll be better once she's gone and Soundbite's back."

"Yeah, I hear y- wait a... Cross, stand _very_ still."

"Say wha-?" I tried to look over my shoulder at him in confusion, but my attention was diverted by a voice that I was rapidly coming to associate with the phrase 'enjoying this _way_ too damn much'.

"Well now," Robin purred in a dangerous tone. "I suppose I should admire you for your tenacity, if nothing else. But really, I thought that much would have been enough. After all, it's not like you cut the most _impressive-"_

"FIRE STAR!"

"Ah- _Agh!"_ /"YEARGH!"

Both Robin and I yelped simultaneously as Usopp _set the back of my coat on fire_ , with Robin flinching for a second before cringing in pain while I howled in shock and hastily ripped the flaming cloth off my back.

"WHAT THE HELL-?!" I made to roar in Usopp's face...

"LONG-NOSED _BED-WETTING_ **SEA-KING-SHAGGING** _ **ASSHAT!"**_

When a _very_ familiar-sounding rant came from the smoldering remains of my coat.

"Soundbite!" I yelped, hastily grabbing a safe part of the cloth and shaking it enough to dislodge a slightly charred but otherwise whole checker-patterned snail shell from what was left of the hood. I hastily scooped the baby snail up and dusted him off as best I could. "Soundbite, are you alright?"

The gastropod's eyestalks poked out of his shell, alongside a puff of smoke and a slight cough. "BEEN BETTER, _but I'll live._ " He turned his eyestalks on Usopp in a heated glare. " _No thanks_ TO HIM."

"What?" Usopp scoffed. "You're a tough snail, you can handle a little fire, can't ya?"

" _ **BITE ME!"**_ my snail roared at a nigh-deafening volume.

I cast a flat glare at Usopp. "Did you actually _know_ he was in there?"

The sniper elected to shrug innocently in response. "I saw _something_ moving in your hood, I just decided not to take any chances. Simple as that."

I blinked as I processed the statement for a moment before casting a surreptitious glance up at Robin. As I suspected, she was currently waving out one of her arms, which was now sporting both an array of light burns _and_ , I was pleased to note, what appeared to be a bitemark that encircled her thumb.

So she'd sprouted her hand in my hood, swiped Soundbite when I wasn't looking, and stashed him mere _inches_ from being literally beneath my nose while keeping him both still _and_ silent. Damn... I might have feared and resented Robin at the moment, but _hell_ if I couldn't respect her, if for nothing more than her skills.

"Hmph..." Robin sniffed as she gingerly flexed her hand, giving us a look that held what appeared to be a _hint_ of begrudging respect, if nothing else. "Well, it appears you're all at least a _little_ interesting after all. For the record, I'm not here on assignment. I have no reason to fight you, I merely wished to talk. The only reason I took your little snail was that I didn't want him noticing me before I was ready. I must say, he's quite the..." Her thumb twitched imperceptibly. " _Turbulent_ fellow, isn't he?"

"Took your thumb clean off, huh?" I asked with a smirk. If the way her thumb twitched again was anything to go by, I was dead on the money.

" **And** _I'm_ hungry **FOR** _MORE!"_ Soundbite snarled with a malevolent, toothy grin.

"Keep talking like that to a woman as beautiful as her and you'll wind up on the menu, crap-snail," Sanji warned darkly.

"Sanji, would you mind doing me a favor?"

"Yes, Nami-Swan~?"

"Just this once? _Drop it."_

"ERK! Y-yes, my dear... _hurk!_ "

"...Did you seriously just cough up _blood?"_

"Cram it, Zoro, I'm currently at war with myself!"

"And I thought you were pathetic before, crap cook."

"SHOVE IT, MARIMO! MY NATURAL INSTINCTS ARE FIGHTING EACH OTHER TO THE DEATH HERE!"

"Hahahaha!" The argument was broken up by the sound of Robin laughing lightly into her unmolested hand. "It seems I need to correct myself; you're all quite interesting indeed."

"RAAAGH!"

Without missing so much as a beat, Robin slid to the side on the railing, allowing Luffy to leap past where she'd been just moments before and tumble across the main deck for a second before flipping back to his feet.

"And you're the most interesting of all, aren't you?" she chuckled, a slight glimmer of... _something_ shining in her eyes as she examined Luffy. "Captain of the Straw Hat Pirates, Monkey D. Luffy."

"RAAAGH! SHUT UP!" Luffy bellowed furiously. "I DON'T WANNA HEAR IT! YOU HURT MY CREW, AND YOU TIED ME UP IN KNOTS!"

"Was only a matter of time until _someone_ tried it..." I muttered, more to myself than anyone.

"SHE- _ **WITCH,**_ SHE- _ **WITCH!"**_ Soundbite bit out furiously.

"Hmph..." Robin chuckled. "Still, no matter how much interest you promise, your luck is even worse. You're all being hunted by Baroque Works because you befriended a princess, and you, poor princess, only have a pirate crew for protection. Though of course..." Her grin widened even further. "Your next destination is the worst luck of all." Aaaaaand then her grin became outright _demonic._ "Little Garden. One of the few islands on the Grand Line that guarantees I needn't bother with killing you at all. After all, you'll never be a threat to Baroque Works ever again."

"SAYS YOU!" Luffy roared furiously at her.

"Says me indeed. Unless, of course..." There was a momentary blur at Robin's side before an object was tossed out at Vivi, who nearly muffed the catch but held on nevertheless.

"What is it?" Carue quacked cautiously as he peered over Vivi's shoulder.

"An... an Eternal Pose!" Vivi gasped in surprise.

"Indeed," Robin nodded with an only borderline-evil smile. "That Pose leads to Nanimonai Island, an island just one stop away from Alabasta. With that Pose, you can avoid many of the dangers of the sea, and it's a relatively unknown route to boot. You'd be unmolested by our agents the entire way."

"Wait..." Nami blinked in confusion. "So she's _helping_ us?"

"But... why would you possibly give this to us!?" Vivi demanded incredulously.

"It's probably a trap," Zoro posited blandly.

"Personally, I say it's more like she's toying with us," I suggested matter-of-factly.

"Eitha' way, I don't twust her as faw as I can thwow her..." Carue grumbled as he shot the evil eye at the woman.

"D-d-ditto..." Usopp gulped nervously.

Soundbite's response was to growl and snarl murderously in a manner not unlike a rabid hound.

As we made our suggestions, Vivi was silent, contemplating the Eternal Pose with a carefully composed expression.

However, before she could say anything, Luffy snatched the Pose out of her hands with a huff. "Who asked you?"

And with that, he effortlessly crunched the Pose in his grip.

Barely a second passed before Nami kicked him square in the face. "HAVE YOU COMPLETELY LOST YOUR MIND!?" she screeched incredulously.

"Is she sewious?" Carue hissed out of the corner of his beak.

"Hard to tell..." Usopp replied.

"CRAM IT, YOU TWO!" our navigator roared at the two of them, prompting them to cower before her righteous fury. Nami then proceeded to redirect her ire back at Luffy. "She just gave us an easy out! What if she was actually _helping_ us!?"

"Doesn't matter!" Luffy huffed with a scowl. "Nobody's going to decide what our course is for us!"

_That_ drew a moment of shock from everyone, during which they were forced to re-evaluate their opinions of Luffy.

"But... I... ah..." Nami stammered helplessly in search of a response.

"Captain's orders, Nami," I grinned as I clapped her on the shoulder. "Wouldn't want to be accused of mutiny, would you?"

"Yeah, _Nami."_ Our navigator shivered as Zoro suddenly appeared on her other side, mirroring my own actions, albeit with a tighter grip. "You _do_ know what the traditional punishment is for mutiny, right?"

"STRING _her_ **UP!** STRING _her_ **UP!"** Soundbite crowed with a chortle.

"But-but-but-but-!" Nami sputtered as she snapped her eyes between Zoro and I rapidly for a moment before scowling and slapping us both upside the head. "Jerks!" she huffed as she stomped away from us, a luminescent blush and a rather adorable pout decorating her face.

Despite the stinging throb that was pounding at the back of my head, I couldn't help but snicker as Nami marched off. "Is it just me, or does she make things too easy sometimes?"

"FUN _fun_ **fun** _FUN!"_ Soundbite concurred.

"You have no idea, brat," Zoro smirked in agreement.

"Ah well..." Robin sighed with a smile as she stood up and strutted over to the side of the Merry. "That's just too bad. There's really nothing I can do to convince you otherwise?"

"No way!" Luffy stuck his tongue out in protest. "You blew up the roller guy, so I don't like you!"

"OH CRAM IT, WILL YOU!?" Nami snarled as she rammed a firm chop on Luffy's head.

"Oh, it's alright, I don't mind," Robin chuckled. "I've heard worse. We'll meet again one day, Straw Hat Luffy. If you survive, anyways."

"I hope not," Luffy snorted.

With a final chuckle, Robin vaulted over the side of the Merry, falling out of sight. Running to the edge of the ship, I looked over and caught sight of Robin seating herself on a shaded sofa positioned on the back of a rather large turtle wearing a cowboy hat and smoking a cigarette.

Come to think of it, what had happened to that thing after Alabasta?

"Let's go, Bunchi," she ordered calmly, to which the turtle responded with a snort.

Thinking fast, I hastily piped up. "HEY!"

Robin glanced up at me with a vague hint of curiosity.

"We _will_ meet again, 'Miss All Sunday'," I promised. "And after we do, one day," I tilted my head back and indicated my neck. "I _will_ get you back for this."

Robin blinked in surprise before smiling in challenge. "Is that so?"

I shot back a wide grin of my own. "You can count on it."

Robin's grin widened a hint more before she turned around and gave some unseen command to her turtle, prompting it to accelerate away.

I cocked an eyebrow as I watched our future crewmate sail into the distance. Big words from me, and I knew that they were true, sure... there was just one problem with them: I had absolutely _no_ idea as to how the hell I was going to get back at her.

...eh, ah well. I'll just do the same thing I've been doing this entire time: make it up as I go along.

"Woooow, cool turtle!" I was broken out of my thoughts by Luffy whistling in awe. "And it's a big one too!"

"Argh!" Vivi suddenly cried out, rubbing her temples furiously.

"Huh?" Luffy blinked back at the Princess in confusion. "What's wrong? Do you not like turtles or something?"

"No, no..." Vivi growled out in frustration. "I... that woman is almost as secretive as Crocodile, if not more so. I just wish I knew _what_ her game was."

"At a glance," I made a show of looking back the way Robin had gone. "I'm going to say... baccarat?"

_That_ drew a flurry of squawky-cackling from Carue, which subsided almost as quickly when Vivi sent a cold glare at him. "What? That was funny!"

"Thank you, thank you, I'll be here forever!" I gave a mock-bow.

" _You've been warned, people!"_ Soundbite snorted with a grin.

"You stole that from Futurama," I hissed out of the corner of my mouth.

" _NOT THE FIRST,_ **not the last!"** Soundbite muttered back.

"Anyways..." Nami patted Vivi's back consolingly. "She's gone for now and we probably won't have to deal with her until we reach Alabasta. It's no use worrying about it until then, right?"

Vivi chewed her lip sadly for a moment, but nodded in agreement nevertheless.

"Besides," Zoro scoffed as he worked one of the lines to Merry's mainsail. "It's not like this is anything new for us. We deal with scheming women on a daily basis."

"Oh Sanji~."

"Of course, Nami-swan~!"

THWACK!

"OW!"

"DON'T SAY SUCH THINGS ABOUT NAMI-SWAN, MARIMO!"

"EAT THE CRAP YOU COOK AND DIE, SHIT-CHEF!"

"Is it always this cwazy awound heeyah?" Carue asked Luffy quietly as he carefully watched the brawl go down.

"Allow me to answer that question!" I offered eagerly before proceeding to smash my fist down over Usopp's skull.

"OUCH! WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR!?" the sniper howled.

"FOR SETTING ME ON FIRE, JACKASS!" I shouted back.

"YEAH!" Soundbite concurred.

"THAT WAS MY FAVORITE JACK— _OUCH!"_ I winced as Soundbite proceeded to do his level best to chew my ear off.

"Ah... excuse me?"

The commotion ground to a halt as Vivi hesitantly spoke up, all of us looking at her questioningly.

"I... I just want to apologize for all of this," Vivi explained somberly as she rubbed her arm. "I... I'm putting you all in danger by being here, so..."

"Excuse me?" Nami stated flatly before poking Vivi's forehead with an annoyed expression. "The reason we're in danger is because of what you _said._ If you didn't want us to be in danger, you shouldn't have told us that Mister Zero was a freaking _Warlord."_

Vivi flinched slightly before looking away with in embarrassment. "I said I was sorry..."

"Yeah yeah, whatever." Our navigator rolled her eyes with a smile. "The reason you're here is that we made a deal with Igaram, and I always make sure to pay back my deals."

"LIES!" I and everyone who wasn't Sanji or Luffy roared in response.

"OH SHUT UP!" Nami snarled back at us. "I might skew deals in my favor every once in awhile, but I still fulfill them!"

"Right, 'once in awhile'..." Zoro snorted.

Nami flipped her middle finger at the swordsman before smiling at Vivi anew. "But anyways, don't worry about a thing. We'll get you home, no matter what. Right, Luffy?"

"Hey, Sanji, I'm hungry! Cook us dinner!"

"You just ate, dipshit!"

"So?"

"Ergh..."

"Actually, Luffy, it's - _ahhh..."_ I interrupted myself with a wide yawn as I rubbed my eyes drearily, my tiredness suddenly catching up with me all at once. "It's a bit... make that _really_ late for dinner. Does anyone know what time it is?"

"Uh..." Usopp wracked his brain for a second before holding himself up on Merry's railing. "I think o'dark thirty at night? Definitely past midnight..."

"We've been up all night..." Nami groaned as she kneaded the bridge of her nose miserably.

"No way in hell we can keep going for long..." I grumbled to myself before clapping my hands firmly. "Alright, how about this? We sail for a bit to get away from Whiskey Peak, then we drop anchor and sleep until sunrise?"

"But I'm hungraaaa _aaaaah..."_ Luffy's whining was cut off as it slowly morphed into a jaw-stretching yawn. He blinked blearily for a second before slumping his shoulders with a sigh. "Yeah, alright, fine. I'll just grab a snack before going to bed."

Sanji hastily clamped a hand down on our captain's shoulder. " _I'll_ make you a snack, Luffy."

"But it won't be a looot..."

"It won't be half our supplies either, that's for damn sure."

"That's the problem..."

"GLUTTON!" Soundbite snickered.

"Alright, enough fun and games," Zoro announced tiredly. "Let's get out of here and hit the hay."

"Aye-aye to that..." I mumbled in agreement.

A few minutes of work later, the cactus rocks of Whiskey Peak disappeared into the dark horizon and I allowed my consciousness to slip into darkness as I practically fell into my hammock.

**-o-**

I was awoken the next morning at the time "half past way-too-frikkin'-early" by the once-pleasant sound of Vivi's voice, which didn't sound nearly so pleasant at max volume while trying to sleep.

"-et up! The sky is starting to light up, you need to wake up already!"

"Not until the sun is actually up and not a second sooner..." I moaned miserably as I curled up in my hammock.

"But you need to man the sails! The sea-!"

"Soundbite, can you hear any icebergs or Sea Kings coming at us?" I whined tiredly.

" _ **Noooo..."**_ Soundbite echoed out of his shell.

"Now, unless we're about to fall off the end of the earth, then please, let me _sleeeeep_..."

"I agree with the brat..." Zoro grumbled.

"I apologize, Princess, but I'm siding with snail-mail on this one..." Sanji concurred.

"Long live the Commie..." Usopp piped up.

"Meeeeat..." Luffy drooled slightly.

For a single, sweet, _glorious_ moment, there was silence. Then...

"Oh Ca~rue~"

"Mwaaa...?"

"You still like Katorean bread, right?"

"...yeah?"

"Well, I still have some saved up right here," My heart dropped as I heard the sound of a crinkling bag ring out. "I was _going_ to hold onto it for an appropriate time, buuut if you were to help me get these guys awake..."

"QUAWAWAWAAAACK!"

"YEAR-!" THUMP! "OUCH!" I yelped in pain and panic as a flailing supersonic duck rammed into me and spun me out of my hammock, dumping me onto the ground, followed swiftly by the rest of the guys.

" _Ungrateful_ _**FOWL!"**_ Soundbite howled viciously.

"Cwam it, pintsize!" Carue huffed as he crossed his wings petulantly. "Kantowean bwead is dewicious! I have no wegwets! Also, gwateful?! I sound wike a fweaking kid on hewium! _Change my voice alweady!"_

"AFTER _THIS!?_ _ **NEVER!"**_

"Carue, I'd say I was sorry about you just screwing yourself out of a better voice, but honestly?" I couldn't help but shoot a smirk at the duck. "Considering the circumstances... yeah, I'm not even remotely sorry. All in favor?"

"Aye!" four very frustrated and tired voices cried out in agreement.

"But-but-but-!... awwww _fiddleshticks..._ WILL YOU STOP WAUGHING AT ME ALWEADY!?"

"Only when you stop emphasizing your speech impediment."

" _I DON'T HAVE A FWEAKING SPEECH IMPEDIMENT!"_

"You do now!" I chortled.

"Vi- _viiii..."_ Carue whined up at the princess miserably.

"Sorry, Carue," Vivi giggled. "To be fair, you _did_ knock them out of bed."

"Because you asked me to!"

"And here's your reward for it." Vivi tossed a few slices of bread down onto the duck, which he started nomming on tearfully. "Now would you all _please_ get up here already?"

"Do we have any other choice?" I growled more to myself than anyone as I plunked Soundbite down on my shoulder and climbed the ladder out of our room.

"Hey, Sanji! I'm hungry! Make us breakfast!" Luffy whooped as he leapt out ahead of me.

"On it," Sanji nodded as he started to stride towards the kitchen. "Pastries and bacon with sweetened tangerine juice, coming up. Cross, no pulp for you, right?"

"Hallelujah, the man knows me!" I cried out in relief.

"Mm... what's with all the racket?" Nami groaned as she poked her head out of the storage room, still clad in her pajamas.

"Ah, good morning Nami-swan!" Sanji gushed eagerly. "I'm on my way to make breakfast, would you care for anything special?"

"Uh...?" Nami blinked blearily as she processed what Sanji had said. "No, I think I'm good... wait, Vivi, you were actually _serious_ about waking up at this hour!?"

"Of course I was!" Vivi sputtered incredulously. "I mean, this is the _Grand Line!_ It's dangerous around here! We can't underestimate it for even a moment!"

Nami paled slightly before casting a fearful glance at me. "Cross?"

A glance at Soundbite awarded me with a shake of his head. "Still no icebergs, Nami."

"Oh thank god..." Nami sagged in relief.

"There won't _be_ anymore icebergs!" Vivi huffed furiously. "Or at least, there won't be anything as psychotic as what we went through earlier! That stretch of sea is just insane because of Reverse Mountain's conflicting magnetic fields. But nonetheless, the Grand Line is _still_ dangerous! You can't even relax for a moment!"

"Oh, come on!" Usopp scoffed. "What's the worst that could happen?" I didn't even bother hiding my wince at the phrase.

"I don't know!" Vivi flung her arms up in frustration. "That's the exact problem! _Anything_ could happen! As such, you _need_ to be ready at all times!"

As if in response, Sanji swept out of the Merry's kitchen, brandishing an array of plates and glasses with nigh inhuman balance. "Breakfast is ready!"

"Suh-weet!" I crowed as I made to scoop up one of the plates. "Thank you, love cook!"

"Actually, _this_ one's yours." Sanji twisted himself slightly as he handed me a plate that seemed to have double the bacon others had, as well as a bowl of greens.

"Whaaaat? Aw c'mon, I get the veggies are for Soundbite, but how come Cross gets more meat?!" Luffy whined petulantly.

"Because Crocus said Cross needs plenty of protein to help fix him, that's why!" Sanji barked before rolling his eyes and twisting himself _again_ to proffer another plate to the rubberman, this one with even more bacon than mine had. "And besides, you're getting plenty of bacon as is."

"WOOHOO!" Luffy crowed as he snatched up the plate and a glass before striding over to plop down on his special seat between Merry's horns.

"Oh, and here." Sanji lifted his foot and offered me a glass. "It'll taste a little weird, but that's because of the bonemeal ground up in it for additional calcium."

I shrugged as I took the glass. "Hey, whatever gets me up to speed faster."

"And before I forget, there are two bowls of lettuce waiting in the fridge. You know, for the baby transponder snails."

"Thanks, I'll check on them once I'm through with breakfast." I nodded at him in thanks before wandering over to one of the railings and relaxing against it as I chowed down, plopping Soundbite down next to the lettuce bowl, which he proceeded to dig into with gusto.

Noticing Carue nibbling on his bread nearby, I waved in an attempt to catch his attention. "Hey, Carue?"

The supersonic duck shot me a sidelong glare. "What?"

I raised my hands in surrender. "Just for the record, the only reason I don't get Soundbite to change the voice he's giving you is that I _can't_ make him do what I say if he really doesn't want to do it."

" **Got that right!"** Soundbite piped up.

"So..." I proffered a piece of one of my pastries. "Peace offering?"

Carue eyed the baked good warily for a moment before snapping it up into his beak and chewing it morosely. "...I'm not _weawwy_ mad about the voice..." he grumbled. "It's just annoying that you keep waughing at it is all..."

"And if it really bothers you then yeah, I'll stop. But still..." I shot the duck a cheeky grin. "You've got to admit, the voice _is_ pretty funny."

Carue considered the statement for a moment before covering his snickering beak with one of his wings. "Yeah... awright, so it's a _widdle_ funny..."

I slowly widened my smirk. "So, can I convince you to tell me about the little girl who sells sea shells-?"

"Aw, go ta hell!" Carue cackled as he cuffed the side of my head with his wing.

"A-are they supposed to be doing that!?" Vivi demanded furiously as she indicated us all lazing about without so much as a care in the world.

"I don't see why not," Nami shrugged as she savored the freshly-baked bagel Sanji had given her. "These guys are all pretty smart, they'll jump to it if something comes up. Here, have something to eat," Nami continued, offering an extra plate and glass she'd taken off Sanji. "You must be famished."

Vivi made to protest, but was cut off by a medium-volume growl that came from her stomach. She bowed her head in an effort to hide her blush as she accepted the plate. "Well... alright. B-but I'm still not sure about this..."

"Your call, but... come on!" Nami grinned as she waved around the deck. "Look around you."

"Hey, Usopp, do you think you can make us some fishing gear?" Luffy queried as he inhaled his bacon.

"Yeah, some fishing gear would be useful..." Zoro mused.

"I wouldn't say no to an emergency source of food, that's for sure," I concurred.

"No worries! I'll whip up some high-quality deluxe fishing rods before you know it!" Usopp assured us eagerly.

"Hey Carue, you're a duck, you ever fish before?" Sanji queried curiously.

"Nah, not weally," Carue shrugged indifferently. "I was waised in the pawace awongside Vivi and the west of the Supahsonic Duck Squawdwon. Nevah weally had da chance, ya know?"

" **So** _you were_ HOUSE-?" Soundbite started to pipe up with a grin.

"Watch it, you!" Carue warned him testily.

"Doesn't a ship like this and guys like these..." Nami's grin widened ever so slightly. "Make your cares just wash away?"

Vivi was silent as she considered us for a moment before sighing and finally allowing herself to smile. "Yeah... yeah, I guess it's a little relaxing..."

Our peaceful breakfast persisted for a few moments longer until Luffy suddenly piped up without warning.

"Hey guys, look!" he crowed eagerly, pointing ahead of the Merry. "The sun's starting to come up!"

Moving quickly, we all joined Luffy at the prow, staring excitedly out at the horizon where, indeed, the sun was starting to peek over the ocean.

"Wow..." Vivi breathed in awe. "That's _beautiful..."_

"Yeah..." I nodded slowly in agreement, raising my arm to indicate the array of colors that were painting the sky. "I mean, check out the way the sunlight is refracting off the- wait..." I blinked in confusion. "Those aren't clouds... is that fog?"

"Um..." Nami narrowed her eyes as she shaded them. "I... don't think so? Looks like... mist? How the heck-?"

Without so much as a hint of warning, Soundbite suddenly started wailing and thrashing on my shoulder. " **AWOOGA! AWOOGA!** _Mayday, mayday!_ TURN AROUND! _**360 degrees!**_ _GO GO GO!_ **Danger, Will Robinson, danger!"**

I gave the snail a confused look. "Soundbite, what the hell are you-?!"

" _SHUT UP AND LISTEN,_ **FOOL!"**

Blinking in confusion, I slid my earphones on... and nearly jumped out of my skin at what I heard. "Oh no way in _hell..._ "

"What is it, brat?" Zoro asked, a note of urgency in his voice.

Moving as fast as I could, I hastily ran to the Merry's rigging and clambered up into the crow's nest. I unfolded the spyglass hidden within, peered at the horizon, praying I was wrong... and was promptly proven terribly, _terribly_ right.

"Guuuuys..." I started slowly. "The anchor is still down, right?"

"Yeah, why?" Sanji asked with a hint of dread.

" **LONG-NOSE** _and_ CROSS _**JINXED US!"**_ Soundbite howled furiously.

"Uh... what's he talking about?" Usopp asked in confusion.

"Weeeeell..." I slid down the rigging and hopped back onto the deck. "Remember how you asked what was the worst that could happen?"

"Yeeeeaaaah?" Usopp said uneasily.

"And remember what _I_ told Vivi would get me out of bed?"

Everyone save Nami considered for a moment before paling in horror.

"N-no way..." Vivi stammered.

"You can't be serious..." Sanji whimpered weakly.

Nami swallowed heavily as she took in the mood. "Cross... what did you say would make you get up?"

I held out the spyglass with a flat look. "Us falling over the ends of the earth."

Moving faster than I thought she possibly could, Nami swiped the spyglass from my hand and snapped it out to its full length, staring out at the horizon for a moment before losing just about every drop of blood her face could possibly spare.

"Sooo... yeah..." I grimaced as I scratched the back of my head. "It looks like the Grand Line _might_ think it has something of a sense of humor."

"WE'RE HEADING STRAIGHT TOWARDS A WATERFALL!" Nami shrieked in horror.

"Actually, seeing how we're still anchored? It would appear that that waterfall is heading straight towards us," I pointed out helpfully.

"Not helping, Cross," Nami snapped, eerily calm all of a sudden. "Zoro, Luffy, weigh the anchor _._ Sanji, man the whipstaff. Usopp, drop the mainsail. Cross, the mizen. Vivi, help him. Carue, please try not to be underfoot."

For a single moment, we were frozen as we stared at Nami in confusion.

"RIGHT THE HELL NOW, DAMNIT!" Nami howled furiously. For the briefest of moments, I could have _sworn_ her teeth became sharp and demonic enough to pass for those of a demon-shark.

"ON IT!" we all chorused in terror, rushing to man our assigned posts.

"Is she always this terrifying!?" Vivi hissed at me as she helped me unfurl the Merry's red-and-white candy-stripe mizzensail.

"Ohhhh, nononono..." I shook my head in denial as I yanked on a rope in order to pull the sail into position. "Not even close."

"Oh thank god..." Vivi sighed in relief.

"NAMI, IT'S GETTING CLOSER!" Luffy shouted from somewhere.

" _ **START ROWING YOU MORONS! HURRY!"**_

I shuddered heavily as I ran to join the guys on the oars. "As you can see, she can be _far_ worse!"

"Oh-dear-we're-gonna-die..." Vivi whimpered as she followed behind me before _eep-_ ing in terror as she was suddenly grabbed by her collar and wrenched face-to-face with a _very_ demonic-looking Nami.

" _Not if I have anything to say about it!"_ Nami hissed out through her demented smile. " _NOW ROW!"_

"ROWING!" Vivi squeaked in agreement as she jumped to the task.

"YOU TOO, DUCK!"

"YES MA'AM!" Carue squawked as he joined us.

For the next hour or so, the Going Merry was a _madhouse_ as we wrestled furiously with the ocean, fighting tooth and nail to outstrip the _massive_ hole in the water that seemed to be bearing down on us.

Finally though, after what felt like an eternity, we _finally_ managed to escape it, floating placidly on a _mercifully_ calm expanse of water.

"So Vivi..." I wheezed heavily as I lazed over the Merry's railing. "I think you said something... something about us needing to be ready to move at any moment...?"

"Please shut up..." Vivi bemoaned wearily as she massaged her throbbing muscles.

"Anybody _else_ want to point out an impending danger so we can get our panicking over with right now instead of later?" Nami groaned as she shot a slight glare at me, which I hastily raised my hands in surrender to.

"Nope!"

" **NO** _thanks!"_

"No..."

"Not at all, Nami-swan!"

"Cross is gonna be the third mate."

"I'm good..."

"Perfect..." Nami allowed herself to slump to the floor...

Before snapping her head around to stare at Luffy, along with the rest of us. "SAY WHAT!?" we all hollered at him in confusion.

Luffy blinked for a second before shrugging and giving us a wide grin. "Cross is gonna be our third mate! Oh, and our taciturnician! _Oh,_ and Nami's our second mate!"

"I... _think_ you mean 'tactician'...?" I corrected automatically before double-taking as I processed what he'd said. "Wait, _what!?_ Tactician!? I thought I was the Commi— _unications Officer!?"_ I demanded, hastily switching the words at the last second.

"And you are," Luffy nodded in agreement. "But you're pretty smart at figuring out plans too, so you're gonna be doing that as well!"

I made to protest... then paused as I recalled what Luffy had said last night. "Can't cook, can't lie, can't navigate..." I repeated to myself, realization sweeping over me.

The rest of the Straw Hats stiffened in shock for a second before relaxing as they understood as well.

"So..." I started slowly. "You're _not_ mad about me giving orders?"

"Nah!" Luffy waved his hand with a smile. "You're not trying to be the captain, right?"

"Oh hell no!" I shook my head frantically. "Even _if_ I had that kind of delusion, everyone else would be liable to lynch me if I even _thought_ of starting a mutiny!"

"Then it's alright! You're good at making plans, so I'm just gonna let you keep making them!" Luffy nodded firmly, as though it all made sense. Which, for some reason, it actually _did._

"Well... alright then..." I nodded slowly in agreement.

"But... hang on!" Nami interjected. "What about me being second mate and him being third!? Do you even _know_ what those positions mean!?"

"Uh, yeah?" Luffy tilted his head in confusion. "Third mate is fourth in command, second mate is third in command, and first mate is second. Which doesn't really make a lot of sense, but—!"

"She means!" I piped up hastily. "Why are you giving us those positions? I mean, Nami I can understand, she gives us tons of orders all the time- _valid ones!"_ I hastily yelped as the navigator shot a frigid glare at me. "Valid orders, very valid and very invaluable orders, but still! She's _obviously_ unofficially held the position for a while now, but... but me!? How in the heck do I count as third!?"

Luffy blinked at me before tilting his head in confusion. "Well... Why not you? I mean..." He looked over the rest of the crew questioningly. "Anyone not alright with it?"

Usopp considered for a moment before puffing out his chest. "Despite being the third to join the crew, I, the Great Cap-! Er... The Great _Sniper_ Usopp, shall gracefully abdicate the position! You may thank me appropriately at a later date."

Sanji puffed on his cigarette thoughtfully for a second before shrugging indifferently. "Eh, so long as you can do your job, I guess." He narrowed a glare at me. "But if you screw up I'll boot you out of the position so fast that your head will spin right off."

Nami scrutinized me momentarily before blowing out a heavy sigh. "Talking Luffy out of anything is beyond futile as is, no reason to add on to it. Besides..." She grinned at me cattily. "I suppose things could be worse."

Zoro was the worst of them all. He just... stared at me.

And stared at me.

And stared at me...

"If you're trying to imitate Crocus, then congratulations, you've succeeded with gusto," I finally managed to get out with a minimum of wavering in my voice.

For whatever reason, that somehow did the trick, prompting Zoro to nod firmly at me with a positive-sounding grunt. "Don't screw this up." And without further ado, he slumped against the Merry's railing, arms crossed behind his head as he closed his eyes and allowed the sound of snoring to erupt moments later.

I gaped at everyone in disbelief before hastily snapping my jaws shut. "W...well then... I... guess that's that then, isn't it?" I shrugged helplessly. "Alright then. So be it. I accept. Thanks Luffy, a lot."

"Shishishi!" Luffy chuckled impishly. "No problem!"

"Um... excuse me?" Vivi spoke up hesitantly. "But... I'm confused. If Mister Jeremiah is third and Nami is second, then... who's first?"

"Zoro," the crew and I chorused unceremoniously as we pointed at the snoozing swordsman, who appeared to let loose a particularly loud snore in response.

Vivi's eye twitched slightly for a moment before a grin slowly spread across her face. "You know... somehow, that doesn't surprise me in the least."

And so, after we shared a few laughs, we proceeded to set the sails anew and head off, sailing towards Little Garden.

We... didn't actually get there anytime soon.

See, one thing Oda _didn't_ show us readers? Travel time. Lots and _lots_ of travel time. Most of it was peaceful, to be sure, boring even, but honestly? The fact was that whether we liked it - or in Vivi's case, despite her never voicing it, not - it took us a little over three weeks to make the trip from Whiskey Peak to the ever-looming Little Garden.

Still... no matter how boring some parts of it might have been, there were certainly memorable moments to go around.

Some were... notably unpleasant...

**-o-**

"Ohhh, Gooood..." I moaned as I lay lifeless on Merry's deck, my entire body feeling as though it were either on fire or close to it. "Kiiiiill meeeee..."

"Glad to..." Usopp growled darkly from where he was lying nose-first on the deck. "If you agree to kill me first. Remind me again why you roped us into getting tortured by Zoro along with you?"

"Because all three of us are as weak as shit and we need to get stronger unless we want to die like bitches..." I ground out miserably.

"Oh yeah..."

"One day you'll pay for this, Cwoss..." Carue ground out from where he was hanging off the Merry's wall by his embedded beak.

"That's all well and good..." Nami snarled from where she was propped up against the Merry's railing, with Vivi. "But would you mind telling me how and why you got _Sanji to put us through the exact same thing!?"_

I couldn't help but chuckle and plaster a sickly grin on my face. "Oh, that was easy. First, I convinced Sanji that he couldn't be everywhere at once and that sooner or later the 'princesses' would need to learn how to fight without their knight in shining armor. Then, I convinced him that the more you hurt now, the less you'd hurt later. Finally, I laid down an ultimatum: If he didn't handle your training, then he'd have to let either Zoro or Luffy do it instead." I half-chuckled half-wheezed in dark amusement. "I think he almost popped a blood vessel making his decision."

"Mister Jeremiah..." Vivi huffed heavily. "No offense... but I think I hate you... I think I hate you a _lot._ "

"Stop _calling_ me that..." I ground out.

The sound of boots approaching on the deck caused me to turn my head, and I paled as I caught sight of Zoro standing above me, grinning a very disturbing grin. "Hmm," Zoro hummed to himself. "Well, if you have the energy to complain, let alone laugh, you have the energy to keep going. Up and at 'em, maggots!"

"I'm so sorry, my dears, but the marimo's right. You've had a long enough break as is. We need to... _hurk!_ Keep... going..."

A chorus of moans rang out in response.

"Shishishi! Man, you guys are hilarious!"

"EIN _ZWEI_ **DREI!** EIN _ZWEI_ **DREI!** EIN _ZWEI_ **DREI!"**

"SHUT UP, SOUNDBITE!" we all chorused furiously.

**-o-**

Other experiences were actually quite humorous!

**-o-**

"You know, you girls are lucky," I stated through a nice and wide grin.

"Oh yeah?" Nami queried, her own grin matching mine tooth for tooth. "How so?"

"Have you ever heard the word 'hentai' before?"

"I... _might_ have picked up one or two such magazines in the past..." Vivi whistled innocently through her own grin.

"One or two _dozen_ more wike!" Carue snickered as he chowed down on a bucket of popcorn he'd acquired from _somewhere._

"Oh hush you!" Vivi snorted as she slapped the back of his head lightly. "But... yeah, I see your point. This is far more pleasant. For most of us, anyways."

"HOW'S IT GOING, LUFFY?" Usopp managed to call out through his laughter.

"WILL YOU GUYS - _OW! -_ STOP LAUGHING AND - _AGH!-_ SAVE ME ALREADY!?" our captain howled above us, where a mass of large, gelatinous tentacles were poking, prodding and stretching him energetically, all the while squirming and folding around his wild punches with ease. "THESE THINGS STING LIKE - _YEOWCH! -_ HECK, AND I'M NOT AN - _OWOWOWOWOW! -_ TOY!"

" _Should_ we save him?" Zoro asked with a chuckle, fingering his swords all the while.

"Oh, I don't know..." Sanji mused, his chuckling making it a bit hard for him to take a tug from his cigarette. "I think the tentacles could stand to be a _little_ more tenderized."

"Five more minutes, just five more minutes!" I begged them breathlessly. "That bastard's eaten my bodyweight in my own food since I've joined, this is the most therapeutic thing I've ever seen!"

" **YEEHAW!** _RIDE 'EM COW-PIRATE!"_ Soundbite whooped.

"JERKS!"

**-o-**

And some things were... just plain, flat-out _weird._

**-o-**

"Okay..." I sighed wearily as I kneaded my throbbing temples. "One more time... _why_ did you try to drown Luffy in a bucket of water?"

"Because 'e was suppressing our natural rights as snails 'e was!" the narrower and longer of the two transponder snails replied in a cockney accent, his chuckling showing off an impressive pair of buckteeth.

"Indeed," the shorter and stockier snail nodded in agreement, his droning voice devoid of all emotion save annoyance. "That imbecile is unworthy of leading a pack of lemmings off a cliff, much less a pirate ship bearing a being with _my_ vast intelligence on board. We simply thought to restore the natural order of things."

"Yeh, yeh, what 'e said!" The taller snail nodded in agreement.

My eye twitched furiously as I stared down at the pair, trying to get an accurate handle on just _what the hell_ I was looking at.

As if to pack things on, the taller snail suddenly piped up with a "Narf!"

"Alright, I get it!" I broke out furiously as I cast a glare at a cackling Soundbite. I pointed at the taller snail. "Pinkie." Then the smaller one. "Brain. Happy now!?"

" **MUCH!"** Soundbite snickered.

"Woohoo! Ain't it great, Brain? We got names now!"

"Yes, we have been labelled by our bipedal masters, thus furthering our objectification. Joy."

"Great!" I clapped my hands together in frustration. "Now tell them to stop trying to kill us before I let Sanji fry them up in a pan!"

"I abjectly refuse to abandon my righteous crusade against your noxious-"

"CRAM IT, _STOW IT_ , _**AND QUIT IT!"**_ Soundbite roared out.

"Yes sir!" Pinkie and the Brain cowered partway in their shells almost instantly.

"Great..." I sighed in relief. "Now, you can stay out here for now, but any more trouble and it's back in the bag. Got it?"

"Aye aye, sir..." The pair nodded in agreement, albeit with varying amounts of enthusiasm.

"Perfect. Now, if you'll excuse me..." I turned around, strode to the cantina's door and poked my head outside. "We're good. Apparently Soundbite's Devil Fruit gives him a _lot_ of weight with his species."

"Gooood..." Nami crooned in a faux saccharine voice that was _almost_ as light and syrupy as the tar and feathers that she was covered in. "And for the record? If they ever pull anything like this again? I will personally throw them overboard, and you with them. Capiche?"

I made to answer... then winced as a thunk and a squawk came from the lower deck.

"Hey guys, I managed to get the barrel off Carue's head!" Usopp called up. "Now could someone help me dunk him into the ocean to get the flour out of his feathers?"

I nodded weakly in agreement. "Capiche..."

"I'm glad we managed to settle this..." Vivi piped up weakly, prompting us to look up at where she was hanging from the main mast via a rope snare tied around her ankle. "Now could someone please get me one of my Peacock Slashers? The blood is starting to rush to my head..."

**-o-**

But eventually, our little vacation had to come to an end.

"There it is..." Nami breathed as she held the Log Pose up to her eye in order to confirm her suspicions. "After Whiskey Peak, this is our next destination on the Grand Line."

I nodded slowly in numb awe as I watched the island slowly start to loom in the distance.

There it was: one of the greatest deathtraps in the Grand Line.

An island of Giants.

An island of dinosaurs.

An island where death could come in a million and one forms...

But out of all those forms, only one mattered to me at the moment.

This form of death came in the shape of a small tick, which carried within itself an even smaller and even _deadlier_ virus.

And unless I did something? That death would come within _hours_ of taking one of our crew.

The name of this island? So simple... yet nonetheless ominous.

"Little Garden..."


	10. Chapter 10

### Chapter 10: The Island Time Forgot! Oh, What Is That Horrible Smell?

### Chapter Text

" _And mix in one cup of water and rubbing alcohol!"_ Soundbite concluded firmly.

I took a tentative sniff of the pot I was stirring before recoiling with a _very_ disgusted gag. "Ohhh, that's just-! And you're _sure_ that you got the recipe right?"

The snail affixed me with a flat look. " _What the_ **HECK** **do you** _THINK?"_

"Yeah yeah, fair enough..." I grimaced as I dug out a measuring cup and one of Zoro's clearer bottles of grog. "Though for the record, if this doesn't work? Then I'm telling Zoro it was _your_ idea."

"LIES _and_ _ **SLANDER!"**_

"Psh," I snorted as I slowly poured out the correct amounts of liquid into the cups and stirred them into the pot. "With you? Slander is a _very_ relative term."

Soundbite blinked in confusion. "UHHH...?"

I allowed a smirk to play across my lips as I tapped the spoon I was using on the edge of the pot. "There's little I can say about you that you wouldn't be willing to do."

" **NOT—!"** Soundbite started to bark before freezing and reconsidering. " _Okay..._ **maybe** _TRUE."_

"Heh," I smirked as I looked my concoction over. "Yeah, I thought so. I know you _way_ too— _SWEET HOLY MOTHER OF—!"_ I snapped my head back furiously as I pinched my nose as shut as I could. "Dear lord, that is just flat out _rank!"_

Soundbite sniffed at the air for a moment before snapping back into his shell. "PEE- **YEW!"**

"Tell me about it..." I groaned miserably, waving my hand in front of my face. "Well, it looks like Luffy's not the only one on this ship who can't cook. Here's hoping that Sanji doesn't take my head off for this..." I shot a scowl at the snail as he started cackling before allowing a grim smile to slide across my face. "Oh yeah, keep laughing asshat. In case you'd forgotten..." I dug out a dishrag, soaked it in the concoction, and started wiping it over myself. " _You're_ going to be smelling it up close and personal, just like the rest of us."

Soundbite's mood immediately pulled a 180 as he went from laughing to sobbing. "WHYYY? _WHY_ **GOD,** _**why!?"**_

"Karma, for one thing."

" **CRAM IT!"**

Before I could respond, Luffy's voice suddenly shouted through the kitchen wall. "HEY, CROSS! ARE YOU DONE YET OR WHAT!?"

"YEAH, I'M DONE!" I called back. "I'LL BE RIGHT OUT, JUST HOLD ON!" I shot a despairing look at the snail. "Ready to face the music?" I accidentally inhaled through the nose and was forced to fight down my gag reflex. "And the stench?"

Soundbite gave me another tentative sniff before recoiling and shooting me a sheepish grin. " **NO** _deal?"_

"Nice try, but no," I snorted, picking up the snail and plopping him down on my shoulder. I allowed myself a moment to chuckle as he dry-heaved before getting down to business, grabbing a number of rags and the pot before shouldering my way outside onto the deck. "Okay people, I'd _seriously_ recommend you all cover your noses. Unless, of course, you _want_ your sinuses to feel like they're on fire."

"Huh?" Luffy blinked at me in confusion. "What're yo-oooh _what the heck is that!?"_ our captain yelped, leaping away from me and covering his nose with both hands, an action that the rest of the crew hastily imitated.

"Id shmells like shomeshings wotting!" Carue squawked out through his wings.

"How is it even physically _possible_ for something to smell that bad!?" Usopp demanded desperately.

"Cross, what the hell have you been _doing_ in there?!" Sanji growled furiously as he advanced on me.

"Indeed, Mister Jeremiah!" Vivi gagged out. "Was there actually a _point_ to you making us wait, besides cooking up that... atrocity!?"

I plastered a desperate smile on my face as I slowly retreated from my infuriated crewmates. Indeed, I'd called for the anchor to be dropped when we were a quarter mile out from Little Garden. I'd then proceeded to sequester myself in the kitchen with Soundbite, relying on his instructions for what I was cooking. The whole process had taken a little over ten minutes, but over all? I think the end result was worth it.

"Actually, Vivi," I grinned as I waved the pot out at everyone, prompting them to rear back in horror. "This 'atrocity', as you call it, _was_ the point of my little endeavor. Say hello to my personal homemade batch of anti-bug lotion! _Urk!"_ I grimaced as I accidentally breathed in through my nose again. "Though 'Eau de Rat' might be a more accurate moniker. On second thought, please _don't_ say anything to it. I'm afraid it might say something back..."

" _Kiiiiill_ **meeeee..."** Soundbite moaned.

"Lotion!?" Nami spat incredulously. "You mean to tell me you want to rub that shit on us!? Are you out of your mind!?"

I chuckled sardonically and shook my head firmly. "Oooohhh no no no, of _course_ not! That'd just be perverted!" I held up the dishrags and shook them lightly. "You'll be rubbing it on _yourselves!"_

Nami's face became carefully blank for a moment before she slowly looked at the rest of the crew. "All those even remotely in favor of this crazy plan?"

"HELL NO!" everyone bellowed unanimously.

"Denied!" I belted out in response. "Look, have you guys even _glanced_ at Little Garden!?" I waved my hand at the unkempt island that nature had claimed. "In case you hadn't noticed, it's a freaking _jungle!_ And do you know what _lives_ in jungles?!"

"Lions!" Luffy piped up with an eager grin.

"Tigers," Zoro smirked menacingly.

"Bears," Sanji grinned around his cigarette.

"Oh my god..." Nami, Usopp and Carue sobbed, the former two hugging each other desperately, while Carue...

"Car- _urk!_ -ue! Can't- _gagh-_ breathe!"

"Ack, sowwy Vivi!"

"And _bugs!"_ I cut in firmly. "Itty bitty creepy crawly little insects, some so small that you wouldn't notice it flying in front of your face unless you were looking _straight at it!_ To be specific, insects that love to crawl on and sting and bite people like _us._ And do you know what happens when you get bitten by bugs like that?"

The crew looked at each other in confusion for a second before shrugging. "I dunno..." Usopp mumbled cluelessly. "I guess... it swells up, you itch and scratch a bit..."

"Then you start coughing up blood, pus comes out of your nose and ears, you swell to ten times your size, and within less than twenty-four hours you're a rancid husk of meat that not even the most depraved of wild animals would be willing to poke with a ten-foot pole," I finished flatly.

Now _that_ got everyone's total and undivided attention.

"I-I'm sorry," Vivi stammered. "Mister Jeremiah, I think I must have misheard you. Did you just say that those bugs could-?"

"Potentially kill us?" I cocked an eyebrow at her. "No, you heard me _precisely_ right. Let me break it down for you: our immune systems, the way our bodies fight disease? They've evolved over the years to fight whatever illnesses and afflictions the human race has come in contact with. However, while they _can_ put up a good fight, if they come in contact with anything they have no knowledge of, then they're totally helpless.

"Now _that island,_ " I gestured at Little Garden again. "Is most likely a closed ecosystem. That means that it's evolved completely independent of humanity. We don't know it, it doesn't know us. Every last bacteria and microbe on that island has the potential to fuck us up in ways not even horror novelists could imagine. Now, granted, there are some we can do precisely fuck all about, but this?" I shook the pot of bug lotion. "This protects us from _some._ So hey!" I shrugged carelessly. "Feel free to go traipsing about without it, just be prepared to potentially help pioneer the development of a vaccine for Hypermalaria... as Patient Zero." I grinned in the most demented way I could muster. "So... any takers?"

Silence.

I gave my smile a more pleasant tone. "Great! Now come on, let's lather up and make pigs smell pleasant!"

For a moment, the crew shuffled around nervously, clearly torn between the stench and the prospect of bleeding uncontrollably from every orifice. Just as I was about to press the issue,

though, Luffy solved it for me. Grabbing two of the rags, he soaked them in the fluid… and then promptly grabbed the pot and doused the rest of the crew with it.

I whistled in awe as the rest of the crew gagged and wheezed miserably at the stench. "Impressive..." I muttered.

"Thanks, I think..." Luffy grimaced as he wiped the concoction over himself.

"Ugh, this shit reeks even worse up close!" Zoro hacked.

"Don't worry, you get used to it," I hastily reassured him.

" _HE_ _ **LIES!"**_ Soundbite spat fiercely.

"I do..."

As everyone proceeded to reluctantly rub the gunk over themselves, I turned around in order to hide a grimace that had nothing to do with the way we smelled.

In the end, cooking up the bug sludge based off of a recipe I'd managed to convince Soundbite to hock up had been an act of desperation, a stopgap way of keeping anyone _else_ from potentially getting bitten. Despite my deliberation on the matter, I had yet to come up with a solution to the dilemma I was in.

On the one hand, if I allowed the Kestia tick to bite Nami, then things would proceed as normal: she'd get sick, we'd be forced to make a stop on Drum Island, Kureha and Chopper would cure her and our destined doctor would join the crew... and in the process, Nami would ding-dong-ditch the gates of Hell. Seeing the kind of pain and misery she'd gone through on ink and paper was one thing, but to allow it to happen to a real person? To my friend, who I'd legitimately come to care about? The mere concept was... inhumane, to say the least.

But on the other hand, was condemning Drum Island to Wapol's rule any _less_ inhumane!? If we didn't go to Drum, then Wapol _would_ get there. Luffy's interference had been an inadvertent factor in the Tin-Jawed Tyrant's return, to be sure, but he'd been in the vicinity as it was already, it was only a matter of time until he found his way back! And when he did... Well, Wapol was far from my or _anyone's_ definition of a heavy hitter, but if he managed to get his jaws on the castle's arsenal... Dalton, Kureha, Chopper, and who _knows_ how many others would no doubt be killed in the ensuing anti-rebellion rampage he'd no doubt throw. All without mentioning how it would mean condemning the rest of the citizens of Drum to his tyranny...

I ground my teeth furiously as I just _barely_ kept myself from ramming my head against the nearest wall. I didn't know what to _do_ , damn it! What was more important?! The momentary wellbeing of the one who was a dear friend, or the continued wellbeing of the many, as well as the _life_ of one who _would_ soon become a dear friend!? Damn you, Morton, your fork is royally screwing me over! I swear to god, John, if I ever find a way to go back in time, I will wrap my hands around your scrawny English throat and-!

" _Six o' clock!"_

-wait wha-?

"So, _Cross."_

It was only thanks to Soundbite's timely intervention that I was saved from jumping a foot off the deck in what would have been a _very_ suspicious manner as Nami's _very_ irritated voice sounded behind me.

" _Thanks,"_ I hissed out of the corner of my mouth at the snail before turning around to grin at Nami. "Yes?"

Our navigator pinned me with a decidedly unimpressed and thoroughly irritated look. "We all now smell bad enough to make _your_ laundry smell _good._ And when I say 'your', I'm talking about you and the rest of the guys collectively. Are you satisfied, or do you want us to _walk_ to the island next?"

I swiftly raised my hands in surrender. "No no, that was everything, we're good to go!"

" _Perfect._ WEIGH ANCHOR! LET'S GO ALREADY!"

And with that, we started to sail towards one of the most dangerous islands on the equator.

"Despite how... _extravagant_ Cross was in his actions..." Vivi mused cautiously as she observed Little Garden pull closer. "I do believe he has a point. We need to remain cautious." She bit her thumb nervously. "Despite how duplicitous she might be, I haven't been able to forget what Miss All Sunday said..."

"W-w-wait..." Usopp swallowed heavily as he eyed the treeline fearfully. "D-d-do you think there could be monsters out there?!"

"Icebergs and waterfalls, Usopp," I stated as I patted the sniper on the back. "Icebergs and _waterfalls."_

" **BABY** _wanna_ DIAPER?" Soundbite snickered.

"I'd prefer escargot!" Usopp snarled, albeit while keeping a foot away from the snail. Not that that stopped Soundbite from _trying_ to chomp at his nose, at any rate.

"Don't laugh just yet, Soundbite," Sanji warned flatly as he puffed on his cigarette. "That might be a very real possibility if we don't pick anything up, what with how we've been eating through our provisions."

Soundbite immediately cut himself off with a panicked squawk. He concentrated for a brief moment before plastering a shaky grin on his face and nodding frantically. "ANIMALS! _LOTS_ **and LOTS** _of animals!"_

"Damn..." Usopp and Carue spat simultaneously.

As we sailed up the closest available canal, we were enshrouded in shadows by the _jawdroppingly_ massive flora that surrounded us. I whistled softly in awe as I took in the sheer amount of _nature_ that we were engulfed in. The island I'd first washed up on in the East Blue was one thing, but _this?_ It was like someone had decided to copy-past an artist's rendition of a prehistoric jungle onto reality!

"So this is Little Garden..." Zoro mused in awe, slowly sweeping our surroundings for anything and everything potentially fatal.

"What blind mowon named this pwace _Wittle_ Garden?!" Carue demanded incredulously. "It's fweaking huge!"

" _I~RO~NY?"_ Soundbite sang out doubtfully.

"If it was, then whoever came up with it was _seriously_ pushing it!" Nami scoffed. "I mean, look around! I've never even _seen_ some of... make that _any_ of these plants before!"

"Eh..." I slowly raised a finger in response.

"Oh come on, how would _you_ know what these plants are!?"

"I don't, I don't!" I defended hastily. "It's just... the scale patterns on some of those trees... I _think_ I've seen them-!"

"GAW! GAW!"

"YIPE!" I and the half the crew yelped in panic as a loud squawking sound belted out of the treeline, followed by _something_ bursting out of the jungle and pelting into the sky.

"WHAT WAS THAT!?" Nami shrieked fearfully as she hugged herself.

"Ahh, Nami-swan is so cute when she's frightened!" Sanji swooned kindly.

"She is, isn't she?" I taunted impishly, only _just_ managing to duck under the retaliatory fist Nami lashed out at me.

"Anyways, don't worry about it," Sanji soothed as he gestured at the flying creature. "That's a regular bird and this is a regular jungle. There's absolutely nothing to fear."

Luffy, meanwhile, was blinking up at the creature in confusion. "Is... that a lizard?"

"Uh, actually, Luffy?" Vivi spoke up hesitantly. "That's a bird. I saw feathers on it."

Luffy tilted his head dubiously. "But I saw scales..."

"Actually..." I piped up as I peered up at the creature through the spyglass I'd taken off of Nami's belt. "You're both right. That thing's sporting feathers on its wings and tail and scales around its mouth. Which..." I hissed as I lowered the glass. "Is not good. I think I know what's up."

**BOOM!**

"AGH!" everyone squawked as the ship was suddenly shaken by a massive explosion.

" _WHAT PART OF ALL THIS SOUNDS LIKE A NORMAL JUNGLE TO YOU GUYS!?"_ Nami shrieked incredulously.

"THAT SOUNDED LIKE A VOLCANO BLOWING UP!" Usopp bellowed.

"Because it _was,"_ I groaned as I pointed at the plume of smoke coming up over the treeline. "Alright, correction: I _know_ what's up with this place. I've seen it before, a few years back."

"Where could you have _possibly_ seen this place before!?" Zoro scoffed.

"Easy," I deadpanned. "I saw it in a book."

"And that book would be...?"

"Petey's Prehistoric Picture Book."

The stunned silence was _quite_ refreshing.

"My five-year-old cousin _loved_ it."

"When you say... _prehistoric..."_ Vivi posited slowly.

"I mean dinosaurs, yes," I confirmed with a nod. "Big, honking, more-likely-than-not-man-eating _dinosaurs."_

Usopp swallowed heavily as he glanced around nervously. "Y-Y-You _can't_ be serious..."

"Growrggghhh..."

The sniper was cut off by a tiger half the size of the Going Merry stumbling out of the treeline before collapsing from a combo of blood loss and large gouges in its flesh.

I slowly turned my head to stare at Usopp. "So... Personally, I say that those teeth marks look about right for a T. Rex. What about you? Allosaurus maybe? Or something _bigger?_ "

"All in favor of not setting foot on this deathtrap?" Usopp squeaked out meekly.

"AYE!" Carue squawked, jabbing his wing into the air.

"Agreed!" Nami nodded hastily with a desperate grin. "W-w-we just need to sit tight right here and wait for the Log Pose to reset. N-No need to go out and get eaten! After all, we can't get to Alabasta as soon as possible if we're traipsing around in a killer jungle, right?!"

"Well, I'm gonna go hunting," Sanji announced from where he had hopped down to the shore.

"Wait, Sanji, hold on!" Luffy bellowed out before the cook could start walking.

"Yeah, listen to the captain!" Nami belted out hysterically as she plastered a panicked grin on her face.

"You need to make a pirate box lunch first! I wanna go adventuring!"

"DON'T LISTEN TO HIM, HE'S GOT FEWER BRAIN CELLS THAN ZOOPLANKTON!" she howled desperately.

"Nami's right, Sanji, Luffy's being an idiot!" I piped up.

Nami shot me a relieved look in response. " _Thank_ you, Cross."

"Make _two_ boxed lunches, I'm going with hi— _GRGK!"_ I was literally choked off by Nami grabbing my throat in her hands.

" _WHERE IN THE NAME OF THE GREAT GOD OF BERIS DO YOU THINK YOU TWO_ DIPSHITS _ARE GOING!?"_ she shrieked at the top of her lungs.

"Uh... did you just say Great God of—? _Hrrgrgh—_ alright, alright!"

I hastily reassessed what I was planning on saying as I wrenched myself out of Nami's grip. "Well, seeing how we're on an island with dinosaurs, there's really only one _natural_ thing to do."

"And that would be?" Nami hissed through gritted teeth.

I plastered a semi-(or possibly completely)-manic grin on my face. "I'm gonna ride me a T. Rex, rodeo-style."

"YIPPIE- _kay-_ **MEEP!"** Soundbite cut off in a squeak as Nami grabbed his eyestalks with a bloodthirsty growl.

"What. Is keeping me. From wringing _both_ your scrawny necks. Right here. Right now," she hissed.

"Besides the fact that we're on the same crew?" I grinned nervously.

The snarl I received in response was _not_ a good sign.

"Luffy? Back me up on this? _Please!?"_

"Don't hurt him, Nami!" Luffy pleaded. "He needs his legs if he's going to go adventuring! Oh, you wanna come too?"

Apparently, _that_ was the straw that broke the camel's back if the way Nami suddenly collapsed on the deck sobbing miserably was anything to go by. "They're too far gone already, it's hopeless..."

I winced slightly at her despondent expression. "Um..." I slowly reached out towards her shoulder. "There the— _yeargh!"_ I squawked in agony as I suddenly found my hand caught in an organic vice-grip.

"If you die, I will _dance on your grave,"_ Nami growled venomously.

"Hey, Luffy! Can I come too?" Vivi piped up.

"Yeah!" I cheered enthusiastically. "Princesses gone wi—OW!" I yelped as the pressure on my hand quadrupled. "What the hell are you hurting _me_ for!? You can't blame me for this!"

"Of course I can! Your madness is infectious!"

"No no, Nami, it's fine!" Vivi reassured hastily. "I want to go out of my own volition. If I stay on the ship, chances are I'll just pointlessly brood about Alabasta-" The princess winced slightly before rallying. "A-anyways, the point is that this will take my mind off things while the Log Pose resets."

"Good for you, Vivi!" Carue squawked enthusiastically.

"But-but milady!" Sanji swooned desperately. "What if you get hurt or-!?"

"It'll be fine!" Vivi reassured him with a hasty grin. "After all, Carue'll be protecting me!"

_That_ prompted Carue to adopt a horrified expression, his bill dropping open in sheer terror as a choked gurgle tore its way out of his throat.

"Wow, you just scared that poor duck quackless..." Nami muttered.

"I'll make you a lunch of love as well, my princess!" Sanji swooned as he leaped up to the kitchen.

"Oh, and while you do, could you fill up Carue's... uh, Carue, where did you put your water barrel?"

"Below deck..." the duck squawked mutely.

"I'll take some water too, please!" I called up.

" _LETTUCE! LETTUCE!"_ Soundbite chorused.

"Wait your turns, you two!"

"HOLD IT!"

Everyone froze as Nami suddenly screeched at the top of her lungs. Again. The orange-haired _banshee_ huffed heavily for a moment before alternating a glare between Luffy, Vivi and I. "Seeing how I apparently can't control any of you worth _shit,_ then I suppose I might as well put down some rules so that you don't wind up dead in _ditches._ "

"But, wait, we're on a prehistoric jungle island, there aren't any ditches-"

"Cross," Nami ground out around the hand she was using to pinch the bridge of her nose. "If you finish that sentence, I will have Sanji get me a bowl, a mirror, a needle and thread, and a straight razor."

"Why would you- _YERP!"_ I squeaked as Nami suddenly grabbed somewhere _very_ private.

"So that I can _literally_ emasculate you," she hissed venomously.

I swallowed heavily, cold sweat running down my face. "And... the mirror?"

" _So that you can_ watch."

"Noted," I squeaked meekly. Through my fear, I couldn't help but wonder _why_ the hell that threat sounded so damn familiar.

"Perfect! Now then, rule one..." Nami's voice suddenly cut off without any apparent reason. Thinking fast, I checked behind me. Nothing.

" **DON'T** _know_ WHERE **to START,** _huh?"_ Soundbite snickered.

"SHUT UP!... yes."

"Look, Nami?" I spoke up hesitantly. "We don't know how long we'll be here, so we have nothing _but_ time. Furthermore, we'll be going out there with one of the toughest badasses this side of the ocean. He could and most likely _will_ eat some of, if not _most_ of, the dinosaurs we come across. I'm 99% certain we'll be fine. So... do I get to keep my potential to procreate one day?"

"... against my better judgment, yes," Nami sighed as she reluctantly released me.

"My future descendants thank you..." I sighed in relief. "Anyways, I don't want you to worry without reason, so how about this: Vivi'll take Brain with her, and if you and Usopp decide to leave the ship for whatever reason, you take Pinky with you. Like that, we'll all be in communication. Luffy, Zoro, and Sanji don't need snails because nothing on this island can put so much as a scratch on them. Alright?"

"Well... alright, fine, I guess that's- wait, how does Zoro factor in on this!?"

I jabbed my thumb over the side of the ship with a flat look. "He and Sanji left five minutes ago, arguing over who could bag the bigger dino. Looked like they were really getting into it, too."

For a few scant moments, Nami looked like she was about to legitimately erupt before slumping in defeat. "Just... just _get out of here_ already..." A slight snarl entered her voice. "Before I lose my temper and make you _extinct."_

"Getting!" I yelped in agreement, leaping over the Merry's railing and landing on the shoreline. I winced slightly at the ache that blossomed in my legs from the drop, but promptly grinned in satisfaction as that ache went away just as fast.

It might not have seemed like much, but to me? It was proof. Bit by bit, cell by cell, my body was changing. _Evolving._ Every day I lived in this world, every gram of local vitamins I ingested, I became just a little bit stronger, a little more durable. By my old standards, I was becoming superhuman, but by my new ones? By this world's? I was becoming _normal._

A minute later, Luffy and Vivi riding on Carue landed on the ground next to me. Luffy grinned as he tossed me a lunchbox before turning to face the jungle. "WOOHOO! LET'S GO!" he whooped as he charged into the jungle.

"Wait for us, Luffy!" Vivi called after him.

"Yeah! We're still human, you know!" I concurred.

"Shpeak for yourshelf," Carue chuckled under his breath.

"PREACH IT, **brotha!"** Soundbite added.

Luffy didn't slow down, but he did have the courtesy to whoop and holler as he went to make it easier for us to follow him. He also cleared a path through the underbrush so we didn't have to stop every thirty seconds to hack vegetation away, so at the very _least_ it was a mile better than the first jungle I'd experienced.

Vivi, on the other hand, was being far more courteous to me, urging Carue to match his pace with mine so that we were running side by side. As it was, though, we were currently running in silence. It wasn't really all that surprising: we'd been on the same ship for a while now, sure, but neither of us had actually been _alone_ together, so we weren't completely certain about what to talk about.

Ultimately, Vivi cleared her throat and spoke up. "So, ah... You're not warm in what you're wearing?"

"Huh? Uh..." I glanced down at what I was wearing: a shell jacket like the one Usopp had destroyed, only with a camo pattern, long dark-brown cargo slacks, a white t-shirt with a diagonal set of grey claw marks running over the chest, and a pair of steel-toed boots. "Not really. The place I grew up on basically had a Summer Island climate. Some of us would joke that we had two seasons: summer, and hell. I can wear this stuff practically anytime, anywhere and not care about it."

"Oh, that's good," Vivi sighed in relief. "You'll be grateful for having that kind of tolerance in Alabasta. It's a desert country, so covering your skin is a necessary, if somewhat uncomfortable, must."

"Glad to hear it," I nodded in confirmation before humming as a thought struck me. "Wait... if Alabasta is a desert, then shouldn't your skin be... I dunno, darker? Olive or something? Isn't that how it works?"

_That_ actually managed to get a chuckle out of Vivi. "You have no idea how often people ask me or my father that question. Yes, there are quite a few people in Alabasta with dark skin, but the Nefertaris haven't been a part of that group, at least not for several generations. After all, we tend to live in the palace for our whole lives, so we're not exposed to the sun more often than we need to."

"Huh..." I mused as I vaulted over a stray log. "I guess I shouldn't be surprised there are at least a few benefits to being a royal, huh?"

"You have _no_ idea!" Carue squawked in agreement

Vivi, on the other hand, frowned a bit. "You'd be surprised. The Reveries in particular tend to be... more frustrating than anything. Royals that don't care in the slightest about their civilians, the necessity of posture and face in light of _stupid_ rivalries and feuds that the current generation had nothing to do with, no direct involvement whatsoever..." Her lips pursed into a tight, thin line. "And the World Nobles."

I allowed a shiver of revulsion to run through me. "Yeah... that part goes without saying. Let me guess: they barely tolerate the idea that 'mere humans' can hold themselves up to even half their 'divine' stature?"

Surprisingly, the princess shook her head with a grimace. "Not... not quite. With most of the other royals, sure, but... with my family? They're… more directly antagonistic."

I had a good guess as to why they felt like that, but nevertheless, I shot Vivi a flat look. "Let me try again: one of your ancestors spilled a drink on _their_ ancestors' robes about... what, five hundred years ago and they swore a blood feud as a result?"

Vivi sighed wearily and hung her head. "If only it were that simple... but no. While you're right about it centering around our ancestors, the reason for the hatred is that..." Vivi trailed off as she hesitated for a bare moment before coming to a decision. "How much do you know of the origins of the World Government?"

"Um..." I tilted my head in thought. "Eight hundred years ago, twenty kings allied together and left their kingdoms in order to found the nascent World Government. Right?"

Vivi nodded slowly in agreement as she steeled herself. "And eight hundred years ago, the Nefertaris refused to leave their kingdom, and instead remained in Alabasta to this day."

"PRINCESS _SAY_ **WHAT!?"** Soundbite yelped in disbelief.

I followed the snail's lead, blinking at Vivi in shock. "I... wait, hold on, so you and your father are-!?"

" _Not_ World Nobles," Vivi asserted firmly, following it up with a sigh of relief. "Thank god for that, I don't even want to imagine... No, we're not World Nobles, but we could have been. And that's the _exact_ reason why the real World Nobles hate us. They take the fact that we refused to 'ascend' with them as an insult, and they haven't let us forget it."

"Which is why they awen't helping us with the webellion..." Carue muttered darkly.

"That, and my father didn't want to let the Marines get involved and potentially slaughter the civilians," Vivi added. "But still... they do tend to make our lives _very_ complicated, even though in the end it's never mattered all that much."

I winced in sympathy as I contemplated the implications. As I'd thought, the World Nobles were indeed bastards of the highest order, and being associated with them only made things worse instead of better. I _hoped_ that this knowledge wouldn't become pertinent in the future, if just for Vivi's sake, but honestly? Considering how the phrase 'Oda never forgets' was meme in the fandom? I didn't have high hopes. In the end, whether I or anyone else liked it or not, the Nefertari's family history _would_ one day become important. All I could do was hope that when it did, I would be ready for it.

Coming out of my thoughts, I shot a grin up at Vivi. "Well, either way, I, for one, am grateful that you're not a World Noble. It'd seriously suck to miss out on having you as a friend, you know?"

Vivi blinked at me in surprise for a moment before chuckling and smiling in agreement. "Yeah, I am too. It's been great sailing with you all. It's been educational. I never imagined that pirates like Luffy could... wait..." The princess trailed off as she looked around in panic. "Where's Luffy!?"

"Uh..." I joined her in searching the jungle. "I... don't... Soundbite?"

"UP, _UP_ **AND AWAY!"**

"What are you—?" I looked upwards... and promptly froze, staring in shock. "Uh... Vivi?"

"What is it, Cr—!" Vivi gaped in shock as she saw what I did.

"HEY CROSS!" Luffy whooped from the head of the apatosaurus - or was it a brontosaurus? - he was riding. "YOU WERE RIGHT! THERE _ARE_ DINOSAURS AROUND HERE! ISN'T THIS AWESOME?"

"I... ah..." Vivi stammered for a moment.

"Words fail you, huh?" I muttered.

"Ah... kind of, yes..."

"Ten bewi says he gets eaten..." Carue muttered.

As if on cue, the apatosaurus suddenly bucked its head, flinging Luffy into the air and swallowing him in one deft move.

"Cawwed it."

"LUFFY!" Vivi shrieked in panic.

"Calm down, calm down," I said, waving my hand carelessly. "I mean, it's Luffy for goodness sake. He'll be out in five seconds or less."

Mere moments later, a humanoid figure that was gargantuan beyond comprehension appeared from out of nowhere and _decapitated_ the dinosaur, slicing its neck clean off and allowing Luffy to drop out as a result.

I blinked at the display in shock. "Well... that's not quite what I had in mind, but still..."

Vivi's response was to stammer and squeak incredulously.

**-o-**

" _GABABABABA! So you found some humans too, huh, Dorry?"_

" _GEGYAGYAGYAGYA! Indeed, Brogy! In fact, I found one going down the throat of a longneck! It was quite a shock when he came out!"_

" _Shishishishi! Hey, it might have been a surprise but, I could have gotten out on my own!"_

" _GABABABA! Sounds like the humans have become even wilder since we've been gone, Dorry!"_

" _You've got that right, Brogy! GEGYAGYAGYA!"_

" _Shishishishi! You guys are hilarious!"_

" _GABABABA!"_

" _GEGYAGYAGYA!"_

" _Oh god, now there's_ three _of them, and two are jumbo-sized..."_

I couldn't help but snicker at Nami's weary groan. "I'd say you have your hands full, but considering how I doubt even _you_ can punch out a giant? I'll just leave you with my sympathies."

" _Screw you, Cross!"_ Soundbite belted out in our navigator's voice.

A second later, however, his expression shifted from angry to a wide grin. " _Hey Cross, you sure you don't want to meet up with us? Dorry's pretty awesome!"_

I chuckled at the offer, but shook my head nonetheless. "No thanks, Luffy, this is enough for me. I'm happier out here. There's a whole wide island out here, and I want to see as much as I can!"

After Luffy's near miss with becoming dino-chow, Dorry had invited us back to his home at the west skull-mountain. I, however, had chosen to decline in favor of exploring a bit more. After all, standing here in the middle of a prehistoric paradise like this? It was a beyond once in a lifetime opportunity! There was no way in hell I was going to let it slip through my fingers!

Nevertheless, I'd stayed in contact with Luffy and Vivi via Pinky and Soundbite after I'd taken off, and a few minutes later, we were joined by Usopp and Nami contacting us via Brain, telling us about meeting Brogy. All in all, it was... quite entertaining, if nothing else.

" _Still, human,"_ Soundbite suddenly piped up in Dorry's voice with a slightly concerned look. " _I would recommend you exercise some caution. While Brogy and I are too big to be in any kind of danger from the local fauna, the same cannot be said of you humans."_

"Ah don't worry about it," I verbally waived the giant's warning as I ducked under a curtain of leaves and vines. "I've got Soundbite with me, and he's got practice warding off dangerous animals. Plus, if I get close to anything _really_ bad, he'll warn me about- _OW!"_ I winced as Soundbite suddenly chomped on my ear. "What is it?"

Soundbite jerked his eyes to the side, indicating a cave in a nearby cliff-face. " **DANGER!** _KEEP OUT!"_

I eyed the hole contemplatively. "That bad, huh?"

" _What is it?"_ Usopp asked via Soundbite.

"Apparently something in a cave's got Soundbite spooked."

" _A cave, huh?"_ Brogy mused contemplatively. " _Sounds like your snail has good ears, human. There's a species of small dinosaurs on the island that like to use caves as nests. They're nuisances to us, but to you, I imagine they'd be quite dangerous."_

I ran through a list of dinosaurs that were both 'dangerous' and 'small' for a moment before coming to a bone-chilling conclusion. "Right!" I hissed, turning on my heel, intent on getting as far from the cave as I could. "Well, I'm just going to go... anywhere but here."

" _Well, at least you're_ trying _to stay safe..."_ Nami sighed in frustration.

"Ah c'mon, Nami!" I teased as I started working my way through a particularly dense section of brush. "How much trouble do you think I could I _possibly_ get in?"

" _More than you can imagine."_

I chuckled slightly as I finally managed to wrench myself through the wall of flora. "Ah c'mon, cut me some-! Ah..." My words promptly died in my throat as I looked forwards again.

Mister 5 and Miss Valentine stared back at me in dumbfounded shock.

I swallowed heavily as a cold sweat broke out on the back of my neck, aided by the bloodthirsty grin Miss Valentine was suddenly sporting. "On second thought... you _might_ have a point."


	11. Chapter 11

### Chapter 11: Rumble In The Jungle! A T-Rex Is Meant To Be Ridden!

### Chapter Text

I fought to control my breathing as I eyed the two agents not two feet in front of me. Luckily, they looked just as surprised as I felt, but if the sadistic looks that were slowly spreading across their faces were anything to go by, that wouldn't last long.

Desperate to buy time, I hastily plastered a desperate smile on my face. "I don't suppose the words 'parlay' hold any water with you two, do they?"

Miss Valentine promptly swung her head back in a cackle. "Kyahaha! Oh, you poor little dead man, we are _so_ far beyond that!"

"Especially after that stunt your friend pulled back in Whiskey Peak," Mr. 5 grunted as he scratched the back of his head irritably. "No, you're going to be a stain on the trees when we're through with you, no doubt about it."

" **Fun..."** Soundbite growled darkly.

Before the pair could start to approach me, I hastily waved my hands frantically. "Wait-wait-wait-wait! Before you try and, well, _smear_ me over a square kilometer of jungle, can I at _least_ say something I think you two should be aware of?"

5 and Valentine glanced at each other in both confusion and annoyance for a second before shrugging indifferently.

"Sure, why not?" Valentine chirped in a faux-saccharine voice. "It's only right to hear a dead man's last words!"

Steeling my nerves, I widened my grin malevolently and glanced at Soundbite. "Care to do the honors?"

Catching on, the snail's grin matched mine as he started to sing a very _familiar_ tune: "CROC- **O-** _ **DILE,**_ CROC- **O-** _ **DILE,**_ _Mister_ ZERO is CROC- **O-** _ **DILE!"**_

The Officer Agents stiffened in shock as they processed what they were hearing, connections and realizations forming in their minds.

I allowed myself to relax _ever_ so slightly at their expressions. "Welcome to our boat, you two. Now, you've got two options: join us and help tear Baroque Works to pieces, or stay your course and get 'dealt with' by the 4 through 1 teams, if the desert Croc doesn't decide to deal with you himself."

Valentine looked on the verge of panic for a bare moment before she was distracted by 5 snapping his fingers in her face. The dark-skinned man gave her a flat look before gesturing at the treeline around us. She and I looked up in confusion, but after a minute of searching I _still_ couldn't-!

Valentine and I made the connection simultaneously, the cheery woman grinning sadistically while I simply chose to let out a huff of exasperation. "Tsk... those pests really _are_ unlucky..." I grumbled. "There when you need them the least, nowhere to be seen when you need them the most. Damn it..."

"Well, now that your little ploy has backfired _spectacularly,_ guaranteeing that we really _will_ kill you," Mr. 5 growled as he dug his finger in his nose. "Any _actual_ last words?"

I tried to smile, I really, _really_ did... but in the end, I was no D. I swallowed and grimaced fearfully as I took a step back. "Any chance you could make this fast?"

Valentine's smile sadistic from ear-to-ear, sadistic bloodlust present in every inch of her being. "Not in this life."

The pair took a step towards me...

And promptly jumped as the sound of undergrowth and vegetation snapping and tearing erupted behind them, followed swiftly by the sound of something _very_ big breathing and sniffing at the air.

As the pair started to look behind themselves, I glanced at Soundbite at the same time that he glanced at me. The second our eyes met, an unspoken message passed between us.

" _Stop!"_ I hissed, pumping as much desperation and terror into my voice as I could while keeping the volume extremely low. " _Don't. Move. And don't. Make. A sound!"_

The pair did as I ordered, freezing at my tone of voice.

" _Listen to me_ very _carefully..."_ I whispered, eyeing the jungle behind the two with borderline panic. " _There is a Tyrannosaurus rex standing_ right behind you."

Valentine swallowed heavily, twitching slightly as she fought her obvious reaction. " _When you say there's a T. rex..."_ she started at the same volume as me.

" _I mean that at a glance, I'd say there are thirteen meters and fuck-you-tons of_ very _hungry muscle and teeth standing a few feet behind you, now shut up and_ don't move!" I interrupted her desperately as the two started to turn around. " _I_ think _I read somewhere that a T. rex's vision is based on movement. So long as we stay still and stay_ quiet, _there's a chance we'll walk away with all our limbs!"_

Mr. 5 ground his teeth furiously for a moment, but promptly flinched as the sound of sniffing sounded out again. " _And what if the damn thing manages to_ smell _us?"_

" _Then we_ **just need to be faster** _ **than you!"**_ Soundbite intoned venomously.

" _Can't you just blast it like you've been doing to the others!?"_ Valentine demanded frantically.

" _The others didn't sneak up behind me and give me only a few feet of leeway!"_ 5 shot back. " _If I'm not fast enough on the draw, then one of us'll be dino-chow!"_

" _Look, it's fine, alright!?"_ I whisper-shouted hurriedly. " _W-we just need to wait until the damn thing loses interest and moves on, and then we'll be in the clear!"_

Valentine made to respond, then shivered heavily as a particularly loud snort sounded above her umbrella. " _And how long do you think that'll take!?"_ she hissed desperately, shivering in terror.

" _With any luck?"_ I twitched my shoulders slightly in a shadow of a shrug, causing the Officers to tense up. " _Not too soon, otherwise we're all dead-!"_

_**BOOM!** _

It was a true testament to the steel of our wills - or perhaps the absolute terror we all felt - that none of us moved or made a sound as a volcano erupted somewhere in the distance. The ensuing roars of pride and the cacophony of trees snapping like toothpicks did little to aid with our countenance. For a moment, we stood tense, waiting for _some_ sign that something else was about to happen. When nothing moved, we allowed ourselves to relax slightly...

" _ **AH-CHOO!"**_

At which point Soundbite jerked and released a massive sneeze.

" _ **GREEEEEEAAAARGH!"**_

" _KYAAAAAH!"_ Miss Valentine shrieked at the top of her lungs, literally jumping _several_ dozen feet in the air in her panic.

Mister 5, on the other hand, immediately swung around, whipping his finger out of his nose and firing his explosive boogers dead ahead, blasting the jungle to pieces. "NOSE FANCY CANNON!"

As for me?

The second the two had started moving, I'd pulled a 180 and started booking it through the jungle as fast as I could possibly go, pushing my body to put as much distance between me and those two whackjobs as was humanly possible.

After all, they would very soon find out that there was no T. rex, and I didn't intend to stick around to observe the _very_ literal blast radius that would almost certainly ensue.

**BOOM!** A wave of hot, rushing air washed over my back. " _YOU LYING SON OF A BITCH!"_

Called it!

"PIRATE, JACKASS! THAT'S OUR WHOLE SCHTICK!" I fired back at him.

"EAT THIS!"

I winced as the ground just behind me was blown to kingdom come before smirking back at the bomber. "HAS ANYONE ELSE TOLD YOU YOU HAVE AN EXPLOSIVE TEMPER, OR AM I THE FIRST?" I hollered over my shoulder. "AT THE LEAST, _SOMEBODY_ HAS TO HAVE TOLD YOU THAT YOU'RE NOT ALL THAT BRI-!"

"10,000 KILO-PRESS!" CRASH!

"- _AGH!"_ I yelped, jumping forwards hastily as the canopy above where I'd been moments ago _imploded_ , allowing the world's most literal bombshell blonde to crush the space I'd occupied less than a second prior.

"I am going to crush you _piece by piece!"_ Miss Valentine snarled at me, veins clearly standing out on her forehead.

"You'll need to _catch_ me first!" I shot back as I weaved through the treeline.

" **RUN RUN RUN** _as fast as you can!"_ Soundbite chortled.

"Wish granted! _1 KILO-SPRINT!"_

Before I could react a blur of yellow sprinted past me at inhuman speeds. Valentine promptly spun around and slid to a stop, kicking up a dust cloud as she held her arm out. "1,000 KILO-LARIAT!" she spat venomously.

Barely even thinking, I hastily tried to dig my heels into the earth in an attempt to kill my momentum before I rammed face-first into what was no doubt a _very_ hard limb. Thankfully for me, the soil I was running on was _just_ loose enough that when I 'applied the brakes', so to speak, it gave way, causing me to fall on my ass and go under the Agent's arm in a pale imitation of a baseball slide.

Before Valentine could react properly, I'd scrambled back to my feet and taken off again, weaving through the densest vegetation I could find. Soundbite aided in my escape just as much, if the sounds of running that were coming from all sides were anything to go by.

After a minute or so, I heard the telltale sounds of someone _else_ giving pursuit, _far_ too close to me for comfort. Thinking fast, I ducked into the closest bush I could find and pressed myself to the ground, trying to control my breathing. The volume that my heart was pounding at wasn't doing my psyche any favors.

I tensed as Mr. 5's voice suddenly shouted through the jungle. "DO YOU SEE HIM, MISS VALENTINE?"

My blood practically froze as Miss Valentine's voice came from somewhere _much_ closer. "NOT YET, MISTER FIVE, BUT I'M NOT STOPPING UNTIL I HAVE THAT BASTARD'S SKULL BENEATH MY HEEL!"

' _Oh go to hell!'_ I thought furiously to myself. I then blinked as an idea struck me. " _Soundbite,"_ I hissed out of the corner of my mouth.

The snail glanced at me furtively, blinking to acknowledge that he'd heard.

" _Valentine's voice coming from her direction to 5, but don't let her hear it!"_

A few moments later, a telltale electronic whine told me I was good to go.

" _I'VE GOT HIM, MISTER FIVE!"_ I faux-hollered as quietly as I could, allowing Soundbite to handle the rest. " _HE'S IN THIS GENERAL AREA! FLUSH HIM OUT!"_

"ON IT! DOUBLE NOSE FANCY-!"

"Wait, wh-!? _MISTER FIVE, WAI-!"_

"CANNON!"

**BOOM!**

I flinched as a section of the jungle that was _far_ too close for comfort was suddenly immolated.

" _ARGH!"_

I blew a sigh of relief as I heard Valentine screech in pain, hastily taking the opportunity to crawl out of the bush and creep away in a crouch.

Meanwhile, behind me, the duo reunited.

"WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING!?"

"What the-!? Why didn't you get out of the blast radius, Valentine!?"

" _I_ wasn't the one who called for the damn attack!"

"What are you-! That damn _snail!"_

"Don't worry, there's a bright side: that bastard isn't as subtle as he thinks he is. I've got his trail! This way!"

I barely managed to refrain from cursing as I heard the Agents start to head in my direction again. Acting out of desperation, I started to stand up and run...

"ACK!" SPLASH!

And promptly caught my foot on a root and landed face-first in a _very_ disgusting puddle of water. Sputtering and hacking furiously, I started to push myself up... and immediately winced as Soundbite sank his teeth into the side of my neck. "What the hell are you-!?"

" _Stop! Don't. Move. And don't. Make. A sound!"_ Soundbite hissed in _my_ voice, sliding off my shoulder and coating himself in the muck we were laying in.

I stared at him in confusion for a moment before managing to actually catch _sight_ of the grime: a viscous brown-and-green liquid... that was colored a _lot_ like what I was wearing.

Before I could react further, the two current banes of my life spoke up _literally_ five feet away from me. Acting out of desperation, I pressed myself as deep into the muck as I could allow, leaving myself _just_ enough space to breathe.

"Tsk... _damn it..._ I can't find any more tracks, you?"

"Same here. No matter, he must be hiding _somewhere..._ Flush him out, Mister Five!"

"On it, Miss Valentine. NOSE FANCY CARPET BOMBING!"

I was barely able to contain my wince as yet another explosion shook the world, followed closely by another, and another... it was with grim resignation that I realized that the explosions were slowly starting to come closer and closer to me.

"Kyahahaha!" Valentine's by-now-sickening cackle wafted through the air. "You might as well give up now, snail-man! Who knows? Maybe I'll show you _some_ mercy if you surrender!"

"I certainly won't," came Mr. 5's bone-chilling follow up.

Yet _another_ explosion erupted, only this time, it _literally_ shook my world, on account of being a mere few feet in front of my face.

My heart pounded furiously in my chest as I tensed up. Whether I was preparing to bolt or preparing to endure a point-blank explosion, I'm not entirely sure myself. But in the end... it didn't matter.

"What in the blue hell do you two think you're doing!?"

My opinions on the new voice were mixed. On the one hand, I was no longer in danger of being blasted into paste. On the _other,_ having Mr. 3 get involved in this clusterfuck did _not_ seem like much of an improvement to the situation.

"M-M-Mister 3 sir!" Miss Valentine stammered fearfully. "W-We happened to encounter one of the Straw Hat Pirates and were giving pursuit, but he managed to hide! W-we were just-!"

"Announcing our presence to the _giants,"_ 3 cut her off firmly, his voice brooking absolutely _no_ argument. "Have you forgotten that in order for our operation to be successful, we must maintain our anonymity at all costs?"

"Which is why we need to find the pirate!" Mr. 5 cut in hastily. "If he gets away-!"

"Was this _pirate,"_ I could hear the sneer in 3's voice as he interrupted. "One of the priorities?"

"N-no? He was just-"

"And did he have any Devil Fruit powers?"

"Uh... no?" Valentine answered hesitantly. "But this transponder snail he has does..."

"Irrelevant." The lump of mud that was Soundbite twitched slightly, but thankfully remained silent. "The point is that he's a normal human wandering around in a prehistoric jungle, most likely with no idea of where he is. We don't need to hunt him down, we just need to let nature run its course. Besides, even if he survives, he will be too preoccupied doing so to do anything to help his comrades. He is _not_ a priority."

"But-!"

I heard the sound of… actually, I had no idea _what_ that sound was, but it shut Mr. 5 up very quickly. Going by the sounds of struggling and muffled screaming I could hear, I assumed that it was Mr. 3's wax powers at work.

"This is not up for discussion. You two _imbeciles_ have wasted enough time already. Get to your positions, and capture the princess. _Now._ "

A few moments later, twin gasps sounded out, followed by desperate hacking and wheezing.

"Oh, and before you go," Mr. 3 spoke up again, his voice devoid of emotion. "I just wanted you to be aware of something: should we fail and the pirates manage to escape... you will join my collection in their stead. Is that clear?"

5 and Valentine's heavy gulps were audible even to me. "Crystal, Mister 3."

"Perfect. Now _move."_

I tensed slightly as the Agents started moving, but allowed myself to relax when they moved _away_ from me. After about a minute, any sounds of them faded into the ambient noises, before ultimately disappearing completely.

I gave them a minute more... then jerked up and out of the muck puddle with a desperate gasp, hacking and spluttering furiously in an effort to clear my mouth. "Oh dear mother of god that was too close..." I wheezed, heaving miserably.

" **Worked,** _though!"_ Soundbite piped up as he shook both himself and his shell in an effort to dislodge the grime. "LITTLE HELP?"

"Yeah yeah, sure..." I picked the snail up and plopped him down on a nearby tree branch. I then proceeded to start working my coat off. "I'm gonna take a sec to try and get this gunk off of me. Do me a favor and keep an ear out for any creepy-crawlies?"

" _You're_ GOOD!" Soundbite reassured me as he continued to shake himself down, dislodging substances from different parts of his shell.

"Perfect," I nodded as I started to shake my jacket out. I thanked my lucky stars that the Blue Seas textile industry was advanced enough to utilize polyester, or at least something like it; if this was going to become a trend, then I'd be out of jackets by Alabasta!

"By the way," I noted as I glanced up at Soundbite. "Nice going with Audiosaurus rex. Very innovative."

"THANKS! I'M **just happy you** _**MANAGED TO CATCH ON!**_ " Soundbite chirped. " _I WAS just following_ **your advice** _AND USING_ **MY ABILITY** _ **in unique ways!"**_

"Speaking of..." I grunted slightly as I balanced against a tree and worked one of my boots off, upending it and tapping it out firmly. "How'd you miss lady canary and the deadpan wonder?"

Soundbite promptly grimaced in embarrassment, retracting into his shell as he hocked out a bit more mud from within. "THEY WEREN'T _speaking_ **and there's too much data.** _IN THIS JUNGLE,_ **THEY COULD HAVE BEEN** _ **anything from**_ MONKEYS **to hippos."**

I shrugged as I slid my jacket back on. "Sounds rough, but hey, look on the bright side: you don't have to handle it alone, no?"

The transponder snail slid out of his shell and looked upwards in thought for a moment before grinning and nodding in agreement. " _True,_ **true!** _ **So...**_ " He eyed me curiously. "WHAT _NOW?"_

"Now?" I picked up Soundbite and placed him on my shoulder before starting to make my way through the jungle towards one of the skull-mountains. "Now you ring up Pinky and the Brain so that we can fill in the rest of the crew about the fact that there are Baroque Works agents on this island who want not just our heads, but Dorry and Broggy's as well."

Soundbite's grin widened even further. " **WAY AHEAD OF YOU!"**

I glanced at the snail in confusion. "The heck are you talking about?"

Without warning, Soundbite's expression shifted to one of familiar concern. " _He's talking about the fact that he's been blocking our voice for the past ten minutes!"_ he blurted out in Vivi's voice.

My jaw dropped open in shock. "Holy- you've been keeping the calls going _this whole time!?"_

" _I MAKE_ **multitasking** LOOK GOOD!" Soundbite crowed.

" _You can ring your own bell later, Soundbite,"_ Nami ordered firmly. " _Cross, are you alright?"_

I blew out a heavy snort as I ran my fingers through my muck-ridden hair. "I reek like Zoro after a full hour of training and I might have shaved a year or two off my golden years, but... no, no, I think I'm good. What about the rest of you?"

" _Nami and I are fine over here!"_ Usopp piped up. " _We decided to stay put! Dorry and Broggy's duel ended in a draw a few minutes ago, and they sounded alright too."_

" _Carue and I are fine as well!"_ Vivi concurred. " _Luffy tried to go and help you the second he heard you were in trouble, but..."_

Suddenly, Soundbite belted out the sound of crashing trees and vegetation. " _ALRIGHT, YOU BAST-! What the-!? Ah c'mon, not again!"_

" _Thank god for small mercies and Luffy's inability to tell left from his own ass..."_ Nami sighed in relief.

"Tell me about it..." I muttered to myself before raising my voice. "Hey Luffy, I'm fine, I managed to ditch them! For now, you need to stick with Vivi, they're _specifically_ aiming for her. If you aren't around to protect her, then she's a dead woman. And!" I hastily spoke up before Luffy could protest. "If you stick around her, then chances are that sooner or later those Baroque bastards will come to you! Alright?"

" _Mmmph..."_ Luffy grumbled juvenilely. " _Well... I don't like it, but... ah, alright."_

" _Uh, that's great Cross,"_ Usopp spoke up hesitantly. " _But if Luffy's protecting Vivi and Zoro and Sanji are out who knows where for their hunting contest... then who the heck is protecting us?!"_

" _That'll be us, little long-nose! Right, Dorry?"_

" _Right you are, Broggy!"_

I sighed in relief as the giants' voices came over the connection. "Glad to hear you two are still in one piece. How much did you hear?"

" _Enough,"_ Broggy grunted darkly. " _To think someone would dare to interfere with our ancient duel..."_

" _If I had to guess, I'd say that they're after our bounties,"_ Dorry grumbled. " _Knowing the World Government, they're probably still active, even a hundred years after we were last seen."_

" _Whatever their reason, it doesn't matter!"_ Broggy asserted firmly. " _If they wish to battle with warriors of Elbaf, then it is a battle we will give them!"_

"Best not to just rush in ham-handed though, alright?" I cautioned. "We have no idea where they are, and at least two of them have Devil Fruit powers. That's a recipe for an ambush." I frowned, wondering how to reveal Mr. 3's powers before a stroke of inspiration hit me. "Vivi, you were investigating them, right? I don't suppose-?"

" _R-Right! Um… well most of you have already seen Mr. 5 and Ms. Valentine. They're Officer Agents, Agents with numbers 5 and below. Most Officers have Devil Fruits, and these are no exception. Mr. 5's Boom-Boom Fruit allows him to detonate any part of his body like dynamite, and Ms. Valentine's Kilo-Kilo Fruit allows her to change her weight from one to 10,000 kilograms."_

I frowned as I heard a sound in the background where Vivi was talking. Some kind of sloshing?

" _As for the other pair… I know Mr. 3 uses the Wax-Wax Fruit, which does exactly what you'd think it does."_

" _Wait, that guy makes wax?!"_ Usopp wondered incredulously. " _And he's higher-ranked than the guy who can blow up his body?"_

"Never underestimate Devil Fruits, Usopp," I cautioned, still straining for that background noise. "An old adage concerning them is that there are no useless powers, only useless power-wielders. Just look at our captain if you need any convincing. I'm assuming this is the case here?"

" _Y-Yes,"_ Vivi stammered. " _The wax he produces is so thick that it's as strong as steel, and he can freely shape it. One of the ways that comes up a lot is making wax swords. Very large, very deadly wax swords."_

" _... Okay, withdrawn,"_ Usopp whimpered.

" _Unfortunately, I don't know much about his partner, Ms. Goldenweek, just that she looks like a child and she's_ somehow _capable of manipulating emotions with paint. Considering how the first time I saw her she was liberally swimming, I think it's not so much a Devil Fruit as it is some form of hypnosis."_

There was a moment of silence before Nami and Usopp swallowed heavily. " _Uh-oh..."_

" _What? What is it?"_ Carue quacked nervously.

" _The last time Luffy went up against a hypnotist, things... didn't end well..."_ Nami hedged uncomfortably.

" _Shishishi! I went on a rampage!"_ our captain provided cheerfully.

" _THAT'S NOT SOMETHING TO BE PROUD OF, MORON!"_ the two other _actual_ humans on the crew shrieked furiously.

" _Well, either way, as dangerous as she and Mr. 3 are on their own, you need to be careful of what they can do together,"_ Vivi warned us firmly. " _Thanks to Goldenweek's paint, Mr. 3 can create wax mannequins of anyone he desires that are accurate in all but breathing. If you see someone standing stock still,_ run. _Chances are that they're a trap."_

" _Bah! Then we'll just have to make sure to step on her first before she can paint anything! Right, Dorry?"_

" _Indeed, Broggy! Besides, even if the little human goes on a rampage, he should be containable."_ There was a loud thump on the other side of the line, like something heavy being dropped. " _After all, he might have heart, but he's just a little tyke! GEGYAGYAGYA!"_

I frowned as I listened to Dorry laugh. Something was off... it was almost as if he were... _GARGLING!?_

"Dorry, are you drinking something?!" I demanded hastily, fighting to keep the panic out of my voice.

" _Hm?"_ the giant's voice jumped in surprise, followed by the sound of what was most likely an empty cask hitting the ground. " _Just some ale Broggy and I picked up from your ship on the way back from our duel. We warriors of Elbaf always drink before our next fight! Why?"_

My heart pounded in my chest as I fought my kneejerk reaction. "You got them from our ship, our _abandoned_ ship that nobody's been standing guard on for the past _hour."_

" _Yes, that's right, what of-?"_

" _Oh no..."_ Vivi breathed as she caught on to what I was saying. " _MISTER DORRY! GET RID OF THAT BARREL, QUICK-!"_

_**BOOM!** _

Soundbite and I jumped as an explosion echoed both in the distance and over the connection.

" _WHAT WAS THAT!?"_ Usopp shrieked fearfully.

"Those bastards must have laced our barrels with explosives after we left the ship!" I explained, silently cursing myself for not picking up on what was happening sooner. Things were happening fast, way _way_ too fast. "Vivi, for the love of god, _tell me_ that thing didn't go off in his stomach!"

" _No, no, it wasn't that bad, but..."_ I could _hear_ the frustration in the princess' voice. " _It went off right in front of his face. Broggy, h-he's breathing, but-!"_

" _Aye, don't worry about it, that's not the first explosion we've taken to the face and it won't be the last. He'll be groggy for a few days, but as long as he doesn't try to fight during that time he'll be fine."_

As if on cue, there was a loud boom as one of the volcanoes erupted again.

" _...sometimes, I respect Elbaf to death and back. Others, I think he simply enjoys picking on us."_

All of a sudden, the sound of moaning came over the connection.

" _M-Mister Dorry-!"_ Vivi stammered.

" _What the heck!?"_ Carue squawked.

" _Hey, Dorry's getting back up!"_ Luffy said eagerly.

There was a moment of silence before Broggy groaned warily. " _...uh-oh..."_

"What, what is it?" I asked hastily.

" _If Dorry's not thinking straight, then there's a chance that he could go force himself into a-!"_

" **RAAAAAGH!"**

I jumped as an infuriated roar ripped through the air from the direction of the skull-mountain, followed by the earth shaking repeatedly.

" _Berserker rage._ Damn it, Dorry!" Broggy cursed furiously.

" _W-what the-!? Where are you going, Broggy!?"_ Usopp squawked.

" _Dorry's going on a rampage! He won't stop until someone's stopped him the hard way!"_

" _But with the condition he's in-!"_ Nami started to protest before the giant cut her off.

" _I won't actually try and hurt him! He's not in proper fighting condition, and he's certainly not in his right mind. There would be no honor in beating him as he is! I will hold him off and knock him unconscious. Straw Hat! You might be small, but... I believe that you are strong. Can I trust you to deal with the interlopers?"_

There was a moment of silence. Then...

" _HELL YEAH!"_ Luffy bellowed furiously.

" _Very well then! I leave the rest to you! Good luck, Straw Hats! Now then, if you'll excuse me..._ **RAAAAAAGH!"** Broggy roared in turn, and the earth shook, harder and harder, until for the second time that day the titans clashed anew.

" _Cross, I'm going after these guys,"_ Luffy growled darkly. " _You got a problem with that?!"_

"Just give me a second to outline the plan, alright?" I hedged hastily.

" _Hurry up!"_

I flinched slightly at the impatient tone Luffy directed at me, but I shrugged it off. In the face of what had just happened, I'd probably want to punch someone in the face too. Matter of fact, I kind of _did_ want to punch someone in the face, preferably someone whose codename was either a date or a number.

"Alright, the plan is simple..." I shrugged flatly, more for my benefit than anything else. "There is no plan. Run hog wild, just make sure you stick together while you do."

" _Are you serious!?"_ Nami demanded incredulously.

"Deadly," I confirmed, my voice as even as possible. "The fact is that we're currently playing a hunting game with these bastards: we're hunting them, they're hunting us. We've got an advantage in that they don't know that we know they're hunting us, but because we won't be able to keep track of them easily, that's worth jack. As it is, our only option is to come at them harder than they can come at us. Just make sure that you don't get separated so that you can't be ambushed. In the meantime, Soundbite and I will try and find Zoro and Sanji so that we can warn them about what's going on. For now the name of the game is survival. Got it?"

" _Right."_

" _Got it!"_

" _G-g-got it..."_

" _... watch your back, Cross."_

"That's Soundbite's job, Nami," I joked. "Alright everyone, be careful and try and maintain transponder snail contact. Good luck and godspeed."

I picked up my pace, rounded a corner in the corridor of vegetation...

And promptly blinked in honest shock as I caught sight of the two figures that were sitting on a log not five feet in front of me. Before I could properly formulate a response, I found myself blurting the first thing that came to mind.

"I thought we shot your fur-coated asses down over Whiskey Peak."

If the way their sunglasses flashed was anything to go by, the Unluckies did _not_ appreciate my comment.

For a minute, we just stood there, staring at one another. Everything was silent: the jungle, the the Unluckies, me... finally, I tilted my head towards Soundbite. "Can't you translate for them?" I demanded quietly.

" _They ain't_ **saying nothin'** ABOUT NOTHIN'!" Soundbite hissed back in an equally disturbed tone of voice.

"Of course they're not..." I ground out.

Just as the staring contest was about to resume, the sound of vegetation snapping and crunching echoed from behind the animal assassins, though neither of them made to look at it, or even reacted in the slightest.

I, on the other hand, looked past them and promptly stiffened in shock.

"I don't suppose either of you would believe me if I told you that there was a Tyrannosaurus rex _right_ behind you, would you?" I breathed.

Mr. 13 snapped his shell out into a pair of clawed bivalve seashells, while Miss Friday flared her wings and levelled a pair of high-calibre machine guns that were positioned on her back at my face.

I swallowed heavily before plastering what was most _definitely_ a crazy grin on my face. "Your loss. Soundbite?"

My snail flashed a crazed grin of his own before sucking in a deep breath. " **HEY!** BIG **GREEN** _AND_ _ **UGLY!"**_ he roared.

" _ **GROOOOOAAAAAAAAR!"**_

Mr. 13 and Miss Friday both jumped clean off their log in terror when the _massive_ tyrant lizard behind them stomped the earth and roared in response.

Before either they or the T. rex could react further, I dashed straight at the dinosaur, ducking beneath the reptilian titan's slavering jaws and darting between its legs and under its massive girth. It took all my nerve to keep from freezing as the prehistoric monstrosity's tail swished _just_ above my head, mere inches from braining me. Once I was clear, I _kept_ running, forcing myself through the jungle and as far from the three monsters behind me as I could get.

What followed is honestly kind of a blur. I know I was running for a long-ass time, and the sound of explosions and splintering trees were a constant companion, but a few select moments managed to stick out from the sheer chaos.

I remember slamming into Zoro, going too fast to stop, and luckily managing to plant my shoulder in the Calming Green painted on his back. Naturally, he nearly took my head off a few seconds after, and the sounds of fighting promptly drew us in opposite directions.

I remember getting cornered by Mr. 5, ready to hit me in the face with an explosive lariat, only for Usopp to hang himself upside down out of a tree and nail the assassin in the face with a rotten egg. The ensuing pursuit allowed me to slip away.

I remember Mr. 3, in his Candle Champion armor, fighting a running battle with Luffy and coming within feet of crushing me flat, only to fall flat on his ass as Soundbite goaded a small herd of Pachysee... Pachyche... _headbutt dinosaurs_ into charging him.

I remember, for some odd reason, getting in a baton-to-staff-to-whatever-the-hell-those-things-were melee-a-trois between me, a shirtless Nami and a _very_ exasperated Vivi while riding on Broggy's shoulder. Though now that I think about it, the combination of black and red that was smeared across our navigator's stomach might have had something to do with that particular debacle.

And, of course, it was rather hard to forget Soundbite leading all the combatants into a rousing dance number set to Gangnam Style. Though, to be fair, I _might_ have taken a blow to the head just before that, so take that one with a grain of salt.

When things finally died down, I was left leaning heavily against a splintered tree, my chest heaving frantically as I tried to catch my breath. "Alright..." I panted desperately. "Count 'em. Mister Five?"

" _Down with a case of severe tropical food-poisoning courtesy of over a dozen berries going down his throat,"_ Usopp wheezed.

"Miss Valentine?"

" _Considering how I literally broke my fucking staff over her skull? I damn well_ hope _she's down!"_ Nami snarled. " _That thing was freaking expensive!"_

"Miss Goldenweek?"

" _Hanging fwom a bwanch ovah a vewwy wivewy swamp by her seagull-pattern boxah shorts,"_ Carue snickered.

"And Mister Three?"

" _It's going to take weeks to work this dent out of my helmet's crest, but I'm fairly certain he's unconscious,"_ Dorry huffed petulantly, albeit with a slight slur.

"Oh thank god..." I groaned, starting to slide down the side of the tree before stiffening in realization. "Waaait... anyone got eyes on the Unluckies?"

_RATATATAT!_

"SONNUVA!" I yelped as the wood above me _exploded_ in a shower of fire and splinters, prompting me to start running _again._ "Scratch that! They're on top of me! I don't know about the rest of you, but I'd _seriously_ appreciate some-!"

" _ **BELAY THAT!"**_ Soundbite suddenly barked in my ear.

"Wait wha-?!"

" _Hard right! Hard right!"_ Soundbite shouted, jerking his mass to the side frantically.

I hesitated for a bare moment before following his orders, hanging a hard right and sprinting dead ahead. I seriously _hoped_ that whatever Soundbite's miracle solution was worked, because my body was _really_ starting to ache, and if those noises behind me were anything to go by, then those animal bastards were catching up. Unless _something_ managed to shake them-!

Oooooh...

"Smart snail..." I breathed.

Soundbite cackled for a moment before darting his eyes to the side. "HIDE! _HIDE!"_

Complying with his demands, I promptly dove into some nearby bushes, pressing myself as hard against the ground as I could manage. The sound of me running, on the other hand, didn't die out, instead continuing to rush straight ahead, echoing loud for all to hear.

If they'd been looking, Mr. 13 and Miss Wednesday would have most likely noticed my trail and shot me dead where I lay.

Pissed off as they were, however, they were content to rely solely on their ears for guidance.

Hence, it was without so much as a hint of hesitation that the Unluckies dove headfirst into an erstwhile innocuous cave.

I shifted the leaves of the bush I was in _just_ enough so that I could shoot a mad grin at the mouth of the cave. "Three... two... one..."

" _SKREEEEEE!"_

" _AAAAAAAAAGH!"_

It took all I had to keep from cackling madly when the Unluckies tore out of the cave's mouth, screaming their heads off as they were ruthlessly pursued by over a dozen relatively large and _extremely_ ticked off theropods.

When the group was finally out of sight, I stood up and strode out of the bush, sighing in relief as I brushed a few stray leaves off me. "Glad that worked..." I mused to myself as I continued watching the direction they'd went in. "Still... troodons, huh? My bet was on-"

" _Hissssss..."_

My spine went ramrod straight as a _very_ unforgettable sound hit my eardrums.

" _ **Scheiße,"**_ Soundbite spat venomously.

Moving _very_ slowly, I turned my head and stared at the dinosaur that was slavering mere feet from my face.

Internally, I couldn't help but boggle at the dinosaur. ' _So... looks like they didn't have feathers after all.'_

Externally, my reaction was much more predictable. "Clever girl..."

" _HISSSSSSS!"_ the velociraptor snarled venomously.

"Oh, how the hell do you even _know_ that reference!?" I demanded incredulously.

The raptor responded by lunging at me-

"POITRINE!"

CRUNCH!

And straight into a _very_ familiar black-clad leg, which was _more_ than strong enough to collapse the dinosaur's ribcage.

I heaved a sigh of relief as the raptor collapsed lifelessly. "You, sir, are almost _legitimately_ god's gift to women. Because _that_ was a freaking miracle."

"You're the wrong gender for flattery to get you anywhere, Cross," Sanji smirked as he examined the raptor's corpse. "But thanks anyways." He looked me over contemplatively. "Geez, you look like crap. What the heck happened?"

I opened my mouth to respond... and promptly snapped it shut. "I'll tell you when we get back to the rest of the crew." I started to walk through the jungle, motioning for him to follow. "We're meeting up at one of the mountains. Come on."

We made it about a meter forwards when the jungle parted before us, allowing a T. rex to stride forwards and level a glare at us.

Sanji blew out a contemplative cloud of smoke as he eyed the tyrant lizard. "Well now... aren't _you_ a big one." A grin spread across his face as he started to stride forwards. "Marimo, you are going _do-!"_

"WAIT!"

Sanji froze in shock as I stuck an arm in front of him. "What the-!?"

I cut him off with an absolutely _scathing_ glare. "When I set out into this hellhole, I made a solemn _oath_ , and by _god_ I am going to uphold it."

I switched my glare over to the T. rex, causing it to break out in a cold sweat.

"One way... _or another."_

**-o-**

"PFFFHAHAHAHA! HEEEY NAAA~MIIII~!" I hollered eagerly as I waved my hands in the air. "LOOK WHAT I~'M DOING!"

"Cross, what are you-!? OH, ARE YOU _KIDDING ME!?"_

"HAHAHA! WOOHOO! GO CROSS!" Luffy whooped enthusiastically.

My grin widened even further as Soundbite cackled and hollered on my shoulder. "YEEHAW! YEE- _HAW!_ YIPPIE-KAY-YAY! RIDE 'EM DINO-BOY!"

Nami shrieked in rage once more, but that only made my grin wider still.

Because, at the end of the day... I said I'd do it, and I had actually gone through with it.

Baroque Works, the World Government, Marshall D. Teach... at that moment, I could _not_ give a damn about any of them.

Because at the end of the day? I was ridin' me a T. Rex rodeo-style, and _that_ was just plain awesome.


	12. Chapter 12

### Chapter 12: Cross Is Sick! Secrets Just Can't Be Kept Down!

### Chapter Text

"Okay, let's see..." I muttered as I used a stick to add on to the mind-numbingly complicated array of lines I was scratching into the dirt. "So, after you got Mister 5 off my back, you lured him through the jungle for a few minutes until you reached a pond, at which point you were both attacked by a pack of... hippos, right?"

"Uh... no, wait a second..." Usopp interjected, using his own stick to edit the lines. "That pond had flamingoes in it, the hippos were in the swamp about a half hour later."

I blinked at the display in confusion. "Wait, wha—!? But over _here,"_ I gestured at the opposite side of the array. "Nami says that she saw you and 5 getting chased by hippos!"

"Oh yeah, we were split up by the flamingoes, and when we saw each other again we ran into the hippos. No clue how she lost track of time like that, though..."

I hummed thoughtfully as I examined the series of events for a moment before snapping my fingers in realization. "Ooooh, right! She must have seen you _after_ Vivi and I knocked her off Broggy's shoulder. No wonder she didn't remember how things went down!"

"Oh yeah, that makes sense!" Usopp nodded in satisfaction with a smile.

I couldn't help but grin back as I took in the work before me. "Things are finally starting to pull together! Alright, now then... hey, Luffy, could you-?"

"Hey guys!" our captain hollered as he ran up to us. "Whatcha doin'?"

I blinked at Luffy numbly for a moment before responding. "Well, we _were_ trying to map out the exact details of that little bout of madness we were involved in a second ago. But... in light of recent..." I hissed in a sharp breath as I glanced down at what little of our timeline remained beneath Luffy's sandals. " _Developments..._ I'm thinking we just throw in the towel and henceforth refer to this whole clusterfuck as 'the Little Garden Affair'. Agreed?"

"Agreed..." Usopp groaned.

" _Aye-_ **AYE!"** Soundbite snickered in agreement.

"That's cool!" Luffy grinned obliviously at us. "So, are you guys gonna eat anything or what?" He held up two pieces of bone that were covered in what was either ludicrously rare or outright raw meat.

I eyed the 'food' uneasily for a moment before shaking my head. "Thanks but no thanks, I'll wait until Sanji's done cooking something that _won't_ give me salmonella."

" **BLECH!"** Soundbite spat out in the agreement.

"Shocking as this might sound, I'm agreeing with the snail on this one, Luffy," Usopp muttered as he shot a wary glance at Soundbite, who merely stuck his tongue out in response.

"More for me then!" Luffy cheered before tearing into the all-too-fresh flesh.

My heart throbbed as Luffy devoured the simultaneously prehistoric-yet-contemporary remains. "Farewell, Rexy," I sighed miserably. "You were a dear friend and a faithful steed. You will be missed."

"Zoro had to _decapitate_ that thing when it tried to eat you after you dismounted it!" Usopp hollered in disbelief.

"I know, but still!" I protested petulantly. "For a brief, _shining_ moment he was mine, and in that time we had a bond! Granted, it was a bond forged via Sanji kicking him into submission, but-!" I cut myself off with a scowl as Soundbite laughed on my shoulder, before gaining a contemplative look as an idea hit me.

"Besides..." I slowly started again. "That's not the important part. The important part was that he was a dinosaur. A dinosaur that I actually, legitimately _rode._ And in the end, riding a dinosaur..." I looked Usopp and Luffy dead in the eyes. "Is a Man's Romance."

The second the words left my mouth, Usopp and Luffy reeled back in shock, gasping deeply.

"A Man's Romance..." Luffy breathed in awe.

"Truly you do us all proud as a gender..." Usopp nodded respectfully.

I swept my hand across my waist as I fell into a bow. "Thank you, thank you, feel free to tip!"

"Hey, 'manly men!'"

We were jerked out of our conversation by an irritated interjection from Nami.

"If you're quite done worshipping Cross's manhood-!"

" _Hahaha_ HOOHOOHOO _ **HEEHEEHEE!"**_

"Please stop, I think Soundbite's about ready to keel over..."

"-then Sanji's finished cooking the meat and we're about to have a meeting so we can discuss how the _heck_ we're going to get off this island. Are you coming or what?"

"Right behind you, Na- _miiii..."_ I choked off slightly as I caught sight of Nami's exposed stomach.

Specifically, the small black dot _clinging_ to Nami's stomach.

The world seemed to gray out around me as I followed Nami on auto-pilot, my eyes trained firmly on the minuscule, practically unnoticeable, _horrifically deadly_ dot that nobody but me had noticed.

This was it. Now or never. _Crunch time._

If I stayed silent, then our navigator would suffer, brushing closer to the reaper then she ever would, at least, as far as I was aware.

If I said anything, then I would be condemning hundreds of people to death, as well as returning thousands _,_ if not _hundreds_ of thousands of unsuspecting civilians to the hands of a despot they were only _just_ enjoying their freedom from.

In the end, it all boiled down to what I valued most: a crowd of faceless people, headed up by several well-defined individuals, or the very real, very present _friend_ who was standing right before me.

Did I risk the one for the many... or did I sell the many for the one?

I was only _just_ aware of someone's voice on the edge of my hearing. "-ross? Cross?"

Nami's form shifted slightly.

The dot started to twitch-

_SLAP!_

"OW!"

SMACK!

"OUCH!" I reeled back in shock as _something_ slammed dead into my nose, causing me to stumble back.

"WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR, CROSS!?" Nami snarled furiously as she cradled her stinging midsection.

I blinked at her numbly for a second as I processed what had just happened before slowly holding up my hand, displaying the little puddle of ichor I could _feel_ in the center of my palm. "Buh-bug..." I stammered weakly.

Nami blinked at me in shock. "Say wha- Oh _ew!"_ she grimaced in disgust as she noticed the remains splattered on her. "That's... ugh, _gross..._ Thanks a lot, Cross. Couldn't you have just warned me or something?"

"Sorry..." I breathed numbly. "Didn't... didn't think..." I weakly raised a finger and managed to gesture at Nami's stomach. "Did... did it... bite... you?"

"Uh...?" Nami poked at her stomach contemplatively for a moment before shaking her head. "No, I don't think so. Well, thanks for that, I guess. I'd probably be in some trouble if it actually managed to bite me, huh?"

"Some." I parroted weakly.

Nami eyed me suspiciously for a moment before shrugging dismissively. "Well, anyways, come on." She started to walk away, waving for me to follow. "In case you didn't notice, Sanji picked up an Eternal Pose for Alabasta that those animal assassins dropped. We're getting the heck off this rock, so move it, dinoboy!"

"Moving..." I mumbled, forcing my feet into motion as I followed behind the orange-haired woman.

As I walked, I slowly shifted my gaze back to my hand, staring at the ichor that painted my palm just as accusingly as a bloodstain.

As I moved, a singular thought ran through my head over and over again, loaded with a sick mixture of doubt, guilt and horror.

' _What have I done...'_

**-o-**

One _kickass_ goldfish slaying and twenty-four hours later, we were on our way to Alabasta and _I_ was leaning on the balustrade of the Merry's bow. At the moment, my mind was a million miles away, not out of boredom but out of sheer necessity, because I refused to even _think_ about what I'd just done, the thousands I'd condemned, the sins I could literally _feel_ _crawling on my ba-!_

THUNK!

I moaned into the Merry's woodwork as I thunked my forehead against the railing _again._ Damn it, I needed to find _something_ to distract me, before I turned into a Linkin Park parody!

"Kaw, k—ello!"

My head snapped up as the sound of an albatross cawing _thankfully_ managed to grab my attention. In a stroke of pure serendipity, a News Coo was flapping down to land on another part of the Merry's railing.

"Greetings!" The bird raised his wing to his cap in salute as he greeted me for a moment before jerking in shock. "Wait, wha—!?"

"Devil Fruit," I deadpanned as I pointed at Soundbite, who was sunning himself on the Merry's railing. "Don't question it, just enjoy the brief period of simplified communications."

"YOU'RE _wel-_ **COME!"** the baby transponder snail sang cockily.

"Uh..." The Coo blinked in surprise for a second before smiling and saluting anew. "Works for me! Anyways..." He shifted his newspaper-laden satchel forwards and plucked one out, proffering it to me. "Morning Edition, fresh off the presses! Only one hundred beris!"

"You got it, one second..." I replied as I started to pat myself down. I _knew_ I had _some_ cash or coin on me somewhere, I just had to find it. "While I've got you, I'm curious: how hard is your job? I mean, you fly over the Grand Line, after all. The air's as crazy as the water, and I doubt a lot of pirates are willing to pay at the best of times."

The Coo blinked in surprise at my inquisitiveness before shrugging with a sheepish grin. "Eh, it's a job. And the living I was raised for. Honestly, the real danger is the orcas. Damn things just love to jump out and try to grab us, even when we're coasting a few hundred feet in the air. And sure, a few pirates... and a few ill-tempered marines... try to take swings or shots at us... sometimes successfully..." He raised his wing and showed off a half-dozen glistening scars on his flank. "But then we either blacklist their flags or report their ship-ID, so things work out."

I winced as I took in the poor bird's 'trophies'. "Harsh..." I brightened up as my fingertips came in contact with some paper in one of my jacket's pockets. "Here!" I withdrew a thousand-beri note and held it up for the Coo to see. "900 of that's all yours. Buy yourself some salmon or something, okay?"

The Coo blinked at the bill in shock before nodding eagerly. "T-thank you, sir! That means a lot to me!"

"Please, call me Cross." I smiled as I slipped the bill into his bag's coin slot and took one of his newspapers. "And good luck on the rest of your route, ah..."

"News Coo 1851, but, ah..." He slapped off another salute. "Call me Coo!"

"In that case, happy trails, Coo!" I said as I waved him off.

"You too, Cross!" the albatross waved as he flapped up into the air, soaring high and away in seconds. _Damn._ With that speed, I could see how people only _rarely_ managed to hit them.

I hummed pleasantly as I unfolded my newspaper. "Well, that was nice."

"SYMPATHY _for the_ **FLYING RAT?"** Soundbite snickered.

"Hey, watch it," I huffed as I rapped my knuckles on the gastropod's shell. "Show some respect, it takes guts to land on a ship flying a Jolly Roger."

" _WHAT-_ **ever,"** the snail sniffed in a teenage girl voice, angling his neck to give it more sun.

I rolled my eyes at the ungrateful slimeball before unfolding the newspaper and looking it over. "Let's see..." I mused as I scanned the front page. My eyes widened instantly as I read the headline. "Huh... 'Black Bart' Bartolomeo, huh? Well, it's better than 'the Cannibal', I guess, and 25 million's pretty damn respectable. Either way, welcome to the Grand Line, Romeo." I read the article a bit more and promptly winced. "Though you _could_ stand to lower the body count a _little_ bit..."

I flipped the page and kept reading. "Hmm... one ship lost in the Florian Triangle, loaded with..." I grit my teeth furiously. " _Civilian passengers..._ damn it, Moria... tsk, what else? Escalation in a rebellion in the West Blue, Revolutionaries have made a move in the South, and... _eesh..._ " I shuddered at the next article. "Captain Eustass Kid's bounty, escalated to 110 million after... oh, now that's just _wrong..."_ I knew he had a reputation, but come on, a potato peeler _and_ a corkscrew!? Who _did_ stuff like that!? Well, besides the World Nobles, anyways... wait, what about Killer? Shouldn't he be—?

"Oh _hell_ no!" I choked out as I hastily changed the page. That was just—! I froze as I read the article. Oooooh boy...

I hastily tapped on Soundbite's shell. "Connect me to Zoro and Nami, discreetly."

"DON'T **wann—!"**

I snatched the snail off the railing and held him up to my scowling face. "I'm not asking, I'm telling. Connect me or learn the _real_ definition of dehydration via _salt._ _Now!"_

Soundbite blinked at me in fearful confusion before glancing at the newspaper I was strangling. _"Bad?"_

I held up the article in question for him to see. "Deadly. Now _connect me."_

Soundbite scanned the article's title for a moment before widening his eyes in shock and letting loose an electronic whine. " _ **You're live."**_

"Nami, Zoro, come up to the—!"

"Hey, Cross!" I jumped as Luffy's voice spoke up behind me, my Captain striding past me and leaping onto his spot on Merry's head. "Whatcha doin'?"

I hesitated for a brief moment as I stared at him before coming to a simple decision: honesty above all else. "I'm meeting with Nami and Zoro somewhere private about a secret that nobody else can learn about no matter what. I'd let you in on it, but..." I shrugged with a sheepish grin. "You're a _bit_ of a blabbermouth, so..."

Luffy blinked at me in surprise before grinning. "Oh, okay! Thanks for telling me! See ya later! Hope your top-secret meeting goes well!"

"Yeah, see you." I waved at Luffy absentmindedly as I walked down the stairs before returning my attention to the snail. "Sorry about that. Meet me at the stern as soon as you can, and try and be discreet. This..." I glanced at the newspaper I was holding uneasily. "This isn't good news I'm carrying."

I only had to pace around for a minute on the Merry's quarterdeck before I was joined by the crew's second and first mates.

"What's wrong, Cross?" Nami asked in concern.

Zoro was far less cordial. "You'd better have a damn good reason for waking me up, Cross."

In lieu of a response, I held up my fist and proffered the newspaper I was strangling. "Read," I ordered firmly.

Zoro blinked at me in dull surprise before taking the newspaper and giving it a cursory glance. "And we should care about this 'Kid' brat... why?"

"Other page, dingus!" I snarled.

"Cross!" Nami exclaimed, staring at me in shock.

I jerked for a brief moment before looking away with a sigh. "I... sorry, sorry, it's just... this is... it's bad. Real bad. Turn... turn the page."

Zoro flipped the page... and promptly stiffened in shock. "Oh boy..."

"Huh? What is it?" Nami asked in confusion.

Zoro held up the article for her to see. Her eyes scanned the headline only to widen in horror. "T-three hundred _thousand!?"_ she sputtered in disbelief.

I shook my head with a sigh as I resumed pacing across the deck. "I asked Vivi how things were a week ago. She said the odds stood at six hundred thousand to four in favor of the Royal Guard. Now with this..." I grimaced darkly for a second before shaking my head firmly. "I can't hide this from everyone, and it wouldn't be right to anyways. We're the top mates of this ship, and the only reason I haven't told Luffy is that he can't zip his lips to save his life." I looked at them firmly, one after the other. "We keep this quiet until we can't, agreed?"

The two glanced at one another for a moment before shrugging in agreement.

"Sounds good to me," Nami nodded.

"You're throwing around a lot of weight for a _third_ mate, you know that?" Zoro observed with a cocked eyebrow but no real heat.

_That_ drew a cocky grin from me. "It's not like we even remotely resemble a traditional ship. 'Sides." My grin grew wider. "Three's better than one, no?"

Zoro scoffed with a grin as he turned around and started to walk away. "Cocky brat..."

I chuckled slightly and started to follow him _oh geeze._

I only just managed to catch myself on the Merry's railing as I started to keel over. Sweet hell, what was _that?_ Felt like I was floating for a second there...

"Cross?"

"Huh?" I blinked as Nami landed her hand on my shoulder, the navigator looking at me in concern.

"Are you alright?" she asked, worry creeping into her voice.

"Uh..." I stared at her for a second before shaking my head and pulling myself upright. "I... yeah, yeah. Merry must have hit a bad wave or something, who knows. But ah... no, no, I'm... I'm fine."

Nami looked me over silently for a moment before nodding uneasily. "Well... alright... if you say so..." And with a final backwards glance, she walked away.

Soundbite looked me up and down uneasily. "YOU _really_ **okay?"**

"Uh..." I stood silent for a moment before giving him a questioning look. "I... think so? I... I didn't get bitten, right? Nothing landed on me back on Little Garden?"

" **Nope** NOPE!"

"Then, uh..." I nodded firmly as I started walking. "Yeah, yeah, I think I'm good."

Soundbite eyed me skeptically nonetheless.

"Now then..." I scanned the deck for a moment before focusing on Usopp with a grin. "Hey, long-nose!"

"I've already got beef with your snail, do you want me to hate you too!?"

"Whatever, just clam it and listen: I wanna commission some... protection."

**-o-**

The same time the next day, I was sitting at the kitchen table, my forehead resting on the edge of the woodwork as I nursed a _wicked_ headache.

I couldn't even begin to explain where the damn migraine had come from, just that one second I was fine, the next it felt like someone was trying to drive a railroad spike into my skull... that or someone was just doing their little best to dig their way out.

I moaned plaintively as I rubbed my throbbing temples. Christ, I swear, if Zoro somehow managed to give me a migraine with alcohol fumes alone...

All of a sudden, my stomach growled and flat-out _twisted,_ prompting me to grimace miserably. Sweet holy blue hell, did Sanji sneak biscuits into my food again or something!? One of these days that curly blond bastard's culinary experiments were going to _kill_ me.

"-ross? Hello, Cross?"

"Huh-what?" I jerked my head up in surprise, blinking in shock as I took in the rest of the crew standing around me. "Uh... what are... when did you all get here?"

Some of the savvier crewmembers glanced at each other before eyeing me warily.

"We've been trying to get your attention for the past minute, Cross," Vivi started slowly. "You called us in here, remember?"

"Ah..." I attempted to collect my thoughts, a task made difficult by the pain fogging up my head. Ultimately, though, I managed to make the connections I needed and grinned sheepishly. "Ah, right, right. Sorry about that. I've been... feeling a little under the weather recently. Probably just not handling the climate change well or something..."

"Riiiight..." Nami drawled slowly, obviously not believing a word I said. "Anyways, you said it was important?"

"Uh..." I blinked for a second before nodding firmly. "Right, right, very important. Alright, listen: it's about the crew. Or rather, us needing a new crewmate. A new crewmate to... to fill a role."

"And that role would be...?" Sanji trailed off curiously.

"Simple," I pointed at the cook. "What we need is a... is... is a... uh..." I slowly trailed off in confusion. Wait, what was I... talking about? Ergh, my head's... fuzzy...

"Cross?" Nami shook my shoulder slightly.

"Doctor!" I jerked my head up, thankfully managing to clear the fog out of my head. "We-we need a doctor onboard it's... it's very...very dangerous to sail without one. We need one... um..." I grimaced slightly as I rubbed my suddenly throbbing eyeballs. "Need one... right away..."

"You think-?" Whatever was being spoken, I lost track halfway through as a slight whine started to build up in my ears before dying down.

"Ah... sorry, what was that?" I asked uncomfortably as I shook my head. Damn it, what was _wrong_ with me!?

"Do you really think you're doing that bad?" Usopp asked in concern.

"Wh-huh? Me?" I asked in confusion as I pointed at myself. Or... tried to point at myself... damn my arms were heavy... "N... no, no, I'm... I'm doing fine... I... I just meant in general, you know? Things are... are getting dangerous, so we need someone to... to, uh... uh.." I grimaced and shook my head firmly. "What... what was I saying?"

"Cross, you look _really_ sick..." Vivi made to touch me.

"Ah, no, no..." I protested weakly as I waved her off. "I-I'm fine, see?" I started to push myself up to my feet. "Perfectly _fi-!"_ I only _just_ managed to catch myself and lean on the table as the world lurched beneath me.

"Hey, Cross, you alright!?" Luffy asked nervously.

"Um... uh... I ah..." I shook my head blearily as the fog encroached further. Was it just me or were... things getting a little... blurry...

"Actually... I'll, ah... I'll be honest..." I managed to work out as I painstakingly raised a hand to my forehead. "I... I don't... feel so..."

Without warning, the world turned sideways and something thunked against my head. The last thing I saw as darkness leaked into my vision was feet rushing around in front of me.

I could just feel someone... shaking me... somewhere...

And then nothing.

**-o-**

"...is really... could be... don't know..."

"...if we...? ...can't do..."

I blinked numbly at the wooden ceiling of the Merry's kitchen as I slowly came back to reality, fragments and snippets of voices echoing against my skull. I tried to lean up, but immediately froze as pain rattled my _everything._

' _Sweet Christ on a pikestaff...'_ I thought miserably. ' _This must be how Crocodile felt after going two rounds with Luffy. Damn sandy bastard that he was... is... whatever...'_

"..uh? Cr...? ...oss? ...re you al...?"

I turned my head towards the source of the _voice shit shit shit hurts hurts HURTS!_

Black again.

**-o-**

"No... how we can... im."

Huh... that sounded like... Nami.

"... to find a... doctor to... cure..."

And was that...Vivi?

I stared at the ceiling for a second before I managed to piece together what I was hearing.

I hissed in a sharp breath as I started to lean up, ignoring the pain wracking my body. ' _No...'_ I thought to myself as I winced painfully. ' _I... I wasn't bitten... I don't have Kestia. I can't let Vivi decide this without knowing everything.'_

"...ross? ... is he talk...? What's..."

"...don't kn..."

"The desk..." I interrupted weakly as I sat up, rubbing my throbbing skull in an attempt to dissipate the pain. "Check... check Nami's desk... the... newspaper..."

"Cross..." I was aware of Nami putting her hand on my shoulder. "Are you sure...?"

I shook my head firmly. "She... She shouldn't say anything either way... without knowing everything. That... that wouldn't be right..."

"Huh?" I could hear a hint of confusion in Nami's voice. "But didn't you already—?"

"No... th-this can't be!"

I shifted my head enough to stare at Vivi, who had slumped to her knees in horror. "The... the Royal Guard..." she breathed, a myriad of emotions muddling her voice.

I winced slightly at the grief-stricken expression the princess was wearing. ' _Damn... I wonder which is worse: the idea the guards she's lived with her whole life are abandoning her family... or the fact that her best friend is the one who got them to defect...'_

"...is he...?"

"...could he—!?"

I shook my head firmly as I realized that they were still talking around me. "Sorry we didn't tell you... Just... didn't want you to worry any more..." I ground out. "Look... whether or not we find a doctor..." I ground out. "Is up to you. You know that... things are worse... and there's always... a chance that... I could get better..."

' _I might not be native, but I'm no Martian. I doubt I'll just keel over from the common cold... though I wouldn't protest getting to Drum before Wapol...'_

"What you have is a _lot_ worse than a stupid cold, Cross!" Nami protested.

I blinked at her in confusion. Where had that non-sequitur come from?

Before I could say anything, though, Vivi spoke up.

"You're right... we need to get to Alabasta as soon as possible..." The princess looked up from the paper with determination burning in her eyes. "And that means we get all hands on deck as soon as possible. We'll find you a doctor, Cross, I promise."

I allowed a smile to slide over my lips. "Thanks, Vivi... that means a lot to me..."

' _Hang on, Chopper, we're on our way...'_

"—ait, wh—?"

As my vision started to go black again, I actually welcomed it. My intestines had picked this moment to start dancing the can-can, and I did _not_ want to be conscious for that.

If the parting sounds I heard my body making were anything to go by, there'd be hell to pay for it later.

**-o-**

I was reawakened by my skull bouncing off one of the sides of my bed as the ship shook violently.

"What the...?" I bit out miserably.

"Cross! Are you alright?" Vivi stood over me nervously, pressing down on my chest. "Don't move, you're in bad condition!"

"What... what's going on?" I managed to grind out.

"I..." Vivi glanced over her shoulder nervously. "I don't know. Things just suddenly became active and... I just don't know..."

I tried to focus on Vivi... and stiffened as I caught sight of what she was wearing.

' _Winter clothes... that means the temperature's dropping... we're getting close to Drum... wait a... shit, that must be Wapol!'_ I made to get up, in spite of my body's protests. ' _Damn it, I need to warn them somehow, can't let that tin bastard get his jaws on Merry!'_

"Wait... Wapol!?"

I blinked up at Vivi in confusion. ' _Wait, how-?'_ I shook my head dismissively. ' _Must have heard his voice, not like he's quiet or I can hear shit...'_ "Who's Wapol?" I fudged curiously.

Vivi gave me a... look I couldn't quite identify before swallowing and looking away. "I'm going to leave you for a second. Do you think you'll be alright?"

I gave Vivi a sickly grin. "Hundred beris says I won't even be awake when you get back..."

As if on cue, a spike of _pain_ shot through my forehead, and things started to go black.

"I win..." I sang drunkenly before going back under anew.

**-o-**

"—ross! Hey, hey, Cross!"

The next time I woke up, it was to Luffy shaking me awake in an unfamiliar, albeit pleasantly warm, bed.

"Huh-wha...?" I blinked numbly. "Wh... where am I?"

"Cross, listen," Luffy asserted firmly. "We found an island, but there's only one doctor here, who lives on top of a mountain. So, we're gonna climb it."

"SAY WHAT!?"

I tuned out the rest of the crew as they started to argue with Luffy, trying desperately to dissuade him from his insane course of action. Instead, I took in the hut I was situated in: it was... nice. Rustic, I definitely wouldn't mind living here some time.

' _So this is the village Dalton's staying in, huh?'_ I thought blearily, my train of thought wandering aimlessly. ' _What was it called again? Bigtooth? Bigfur? Eh, whatever... wonder if I should get Luffy to ask around a bit? Dunno how much difference knowing where Ace is would make though... After all, we'll see him anyways...'_

I was drawn out of my head by the feeling of something nudging against my shoulder. Twisting my neck slightly, I blinked as I managed to catch sight of Soundbite sitting next to me on the bed, trying to draw my attention.

I blinked at him in confusion for a moment before shooting a tired grin at him. "Hey, buddy... how you been?"

Soundbite shot me a shaky smile. "I'M **good..."** His smile died into a grimace. " _ **You're not..."**_

"Yeah..." I winced and rubbed my face miserably. "That's for damn sure... Don't worry though, the crew's gonna fix me right up. It's... not gonna be easy though..." I shot a hopeful grin at him as I held out my palm. "Feel up to braving the elements with me?"

Soundbite shot a glance at the snow-laden window before smirking and sliding onto my palm. " _Let's do it!"_

"Sounds like a plan..." I chuckled as I slid him into one of my coat's inner pockets. I then proceeded to cough loud enough to draw attention to me. "Hey... could I... see that mountain you were talking about?"

"Yeah, sure thing!" Luffy agreed eagerly, sliding under my arm and painstakingly helping me to the window.

There in the distance were the Drum Rockies. They were... glorious... majestic... ah... um... screw it, no way in hell I could be anywhere close to poetic with my head and intestines enacting their suicide pact.

Instead, I settled for giving the geologically hazardous mountains an analytical once-over. "Sheer rock faces?"

"Looks like it!" Luffy confirmed with a grin.

"Inhospitable temperatures?"

"I think I might have frostbite already, and that's just down here..." Usopp whimpered miserably.

"Ravenous beasts?"

" **I heard** _ten_ **SPECIES** _ON THE WAY HERE_ ALONE! **WANTED TO** _**EAT US ALIVE!"**_ Soundbite provided eagerly.

"So... overall, it's a deathtrap?"

"That's... a bit much, but accurate," someone, Dalton most likely, provided.

I was silent for a moment before slowly turning my head to look at the rest of the crew as a goofy grin slid across my face. "Is it my birthday?" I sang dizzily.

"Oh, come on..." Nami and Usopp groaned miserably.

"Woohoo! We're going up!" Luffy whooped eagerly.

"Woo—!" I threw my arms up alongside his... and promptly started tilting over as my vision turned black. "Oh, _son of a—!"_

Once more unto the breach... damn it, I don't even _like_ Star Trek!

**-o-**

I woke up once again to howling winds and frost biting and nipping at my skin. I blinked at the void I saw stretched out beneath me for a moment before I was suddenly jerked and a blob of yellow moved in front of my vision.

Acting on impulse, I snapped my hand out and plucked a _very_ important straw hat out of the air.

"Pfffhahahahaaaa..." I wheezed breathlessly as I twisted my torso back and plopped the hat back on Luffy's head. "Careful, captain... what kind of king would you be if you lost your crown?"

"Thanks, Cross..." Luffy mumbled out around Sanji's coat. "How're you doin'?"

"Me? Ahh..." My head was burning up, my throat was sore, my intestines were trying to set a world record in knot-tying...

I turned my head around and stared down at the ground, far, _far_ below us. I grinned as wide as I could manage. "I'm on top of the world, cap'n, or at least, I'm halfway there..." I looked at our unconscious cook, who was _literally_ hanging on by the skin of his teeth. "Sanji's not looking that good though... why's he here anyway? Nami browbeat him into going or something?"

"Nah..." Luffy grit out. "He said that..."

" _Snailmail might not be a lovely lady, but right now that doesn't matter."_

I blinked as Sanji's voice sounded out around us. "Soundbite?"

" _What does matter is that he's a brother in arms and a damn good friend. What kind of knight in shining armor would I be if I just left him to die? Besides,"_ I could practically _see_ his smirk, lit cigarette still blazing between his teeth. " _If I left him to our idiot captain, we'd get him back in pieces!"_

"Awww..." I crooned roguishly.

" _N-n-never_ **g-g-gonna L-L-LET** _HIM_ _ **L-L-LIVE IT D-D-DOWN?"**_

"Not on your life..." I snickered back.

"Heheheh..." Luffy chuckled slightly before wincing. "Don't make me laugh... could drop Sanji..."

"Sorry about that..." I winced apologetically. I then blinked as I noticed something else. "Hey... how come we aren't moving?"

Luffy shuddered violently, but it didn't change the fact that we weren't going up any further.

I stared in confusion for a second before grimacing furiously. "Damn it, come on, Luffy, are you really going to let a _mountain_ beat you?"

All I got was heavy panting in response.

I was silent for a moment before craning my neck back, staring at the stormy clouds high above us. "Come on, Luffy... It's only what, half a mile to the top? Little more? Less?"

"'unno..." Luffy shrugged weakly.

"Then why don't you make it up there in one go?"

"Sanji said that doing anything tough could hurt you."

"Screw that noise..." I scoffed. "Sanji and I are tough as nails. Kick this thing's ass in one last blow..."

Luffy stiffened for a moment before twisting his head to blink at me. "You sure?"

"Hell. Yes."

My captain was silent for a moment... before a fire suddenly raged in his eyes. "Hold on tight."

I dug my fingers into his jacket. "Holding."

Luffy snorted out a furious breath before kicking out from the cliff-face and dropping down what felt like over a dozen metres at once.

"GUM-GUM!"

I grinned madly for a moment... before scowling as darkness started to creep in. "Oh, _come on,_ now!?" ' _Ergh... when I wake up, it'd better be to either a badass monster reindeer or to an old hag...'_

"ROC—!"

Night night.

**-o-**

I cracked my eyes open and leaned up with a jaw-breaking yawn as I awoke... and promptly jerked back in shock with a strangled yelp as I caught sight of the _terrifying_ visage in front of me.

"Are you the grim reaper?" I whispered in dull horror.

"Kak kak kak kak! That old bastard only _wishes_ he looked as good as me!"

I heaved a sigh of relief as I slapped a hand to my chest. "Thank God. I'm too badass to die..."

" **HE** _ **LIES!"**_

"Soundbite!" I smiled as I scooped the baby transponder snail off my bedpost. "Thank god you made it, who else would keep me honest?"

"YOU'D _be dead_ **as a doornail** _ **without me!"**_ Soundbite cackled.

"Or me, brat." The ancient yet somehow youthful woman who'd saved me smirked as she held out a hand. "Doctor Kureha, your attending physician."

I took said hand and shook it gingerly. "Jeremiah Cross, your very thankful patient. Sorry if this seems rushed, but mind if I ask for my prognosis?"

" **Give it to me straight, doc!"** Soundbite sobbed through his toothy grin. " _Will ah ever be able to play the violin again!?"_

"Well, your snail's sense of humor is a lost cause, but I think you already knew that..." Kureha mused as she cocked an eyebrow at Soundbite.

"It was long-rotten when I found him, doc," I stated with a shrug and a sigh, ignoring the chorus of raspberries Soundbite blew in response.

"And as for you," Kureha looked at me dead on. "You're currently processing a battery of antibiotics to combat the bacteria in you. You'll need to be kept under observation for a few days, but overall, you seem to be in good condition."

I sighed in relief as I allowed myself to relax. "Thank God again..." I looked at her in concern. "And... my friends?"

"The curly browed one wrecked his back something fierce and the boy with the straw hat has some of the worst frostbite I've seen in years, but they'll both pull through. The straw hat boy..." She grinned toothily as she took a swig from the bottle she was carrying. "He's something, isn't he?"

"Why do you think he's the current number one contender for King of the Pirates?" I asked with a smile of my own.

Kureha's laughter intensified, and her smile doubled in size.

As she laughed, I allowed myself to muse for a bit. ' _Wonder what I had... I checked myself twice after we left Little Garden, I couldn't have gotten Kestia...'_

"You didn't."

"Huh?" I looked up at Kureha in confusion.

"You didn't have Kestia," she explained with a shrug. "Don't know how you know that name, but what you got was damn close." She jabbed me in the stomach with her bony finger. "A waterborne bacteria known as _vibrio cholerae primogenitalis,_ also known as Primal Cholera. Think of it as Cholera's badass ancestor. If it'd stuck around in you without the right treatment for a day longer, you'd be a dead man walking. No clue how you'd get it though. Not like you'd do anything so stupid as gulp down still water on a prehistoric island though, would you?"

"You'd be surprised," I grumbled darkly as I scratched the back of my head sheepishly. "To be fair, though, it was an accident. See, I was running from a pair of assassins and- _GRGGGH!"_ I cut myself off with a choked squawk as I processed our conversation. Shivering fearfully, I looked at Kureha in confusion. "How... how did you know that I was thinking about Kestia?"

Kureha shrugged indifferently as she took a swig from her bottle. "Because you weren't thinking about it, you were _talking_ about it."

I could all but literally _feel_ the blood escape my face. "I... I said that. Out loud."

"Kak kak kak," Kureha chuckled unforgivingly. "Yes you did, boy. One of the symptoms of Primal Cholera? It gives you a mild brain fever that lowers some of the barriers in your brain. Patients have been recorded unwittingly speaking their minds. Literally. And not just in those rare moments of consciousness, either. "

I drew in a shuddering, desperate breath. "You... you mean... the _entire_ time I've been sick, _I've been running my damn mouth!?"_

"Yes, yes you have."

My blood froze at the _far_ too familiar voice that spoke up off to my side.

Moving _very_ slowly, I turned my head and stared.

Sanji met my gaze coolly as he leaned in the doorway, puffing on a cigarette.

"We need to talk, Cross."

I shuddered violently in terror before slowly turning my gaze on Kureha.

"You wouldn't happen to advocate euthanasia by any chance, would you?"

"KAK KAK KAK KAK KAK!"


	13. Chapter 13

### Chapter 13: A New Recruit! Chopper Is An Adorable Monster!

### Chapter Text

"Doctor," Sanji started politely. "Would you mind giving us some privacy, please? It's important."

Ignoring the _desperate_ looks I was shooting her, Kureha sniffed at Sanji before taking a pull from the bottle she was carrying and standing up. "Cocky young bastard, ordering around a young damsel like me in my own damn home... fine, I'll leave you alone."

Sanji opened his mouth... and was promptly forced to bite back a howl of pain as she jabbed a bony digit into his spine.

"For ten minutes," she intoned menacingly. "After that, you're going back in bed, whether you like it or not. Understood?" If Kureha's menacing grin was anything to go by, then she took his whimper of both pain and terror as a sign of consent. "Glad to hear it. Have fun, you two."

And with that, she was gone.

Once the door closed behind the menacing doctor, Sanji and I lapsed into an uncomfortable silence. I was staring at my sheets, whereas Sanji was just staring at me. Clearly, neither of us really knew what to say.

But I knew I had to ask something. I had to know just how deep a grave I'd just dug.

"How much...?" I croaked out weakly.

"We asked around Big _horn_ like you suggested," Sanji promptly interrupted me. "I'm not sure who was more surprised: Luffy at finding out that his brother is waiting for him in Alabasta, or us at finding out that Luffy had brothers, _period."_

I scrunched my eyes shut with a weak laugh. "Brothers. Plural. _Damn_ it... Everything. I told you practically _everything_ and you _all_ heard it _._ Hell!" I barked out a derisive laugh as I flung my hands up in frustration. "It's probably going to be easier to list what I _didn't_ blurt out than what I did!"

"In your defense," Sanji sighed heavily as he lit a cigarette. "You were pretty damn vague. You dropped a few names, described a few places, things like that. Though..." Sanji sighed heavily as he huffed in a lungful of smoke. "What you said was... revealing, if nothing else. When you talked about Kohza and Cobra, we _almost_ thought you were Baroque Works. But then..." The cook shook his head flatly. "Nojiko, Coby, Patty and Carne, _Kuina..._ that last one, _none_ of us knew, period." He shot a half-hearted grin at me. "Seriously, you should have _seen_ how pale mosshead got. I owe you for that alone."

I, on the other hand, resorted to a simple grimace. "Yeah, I... I can imagine..." I blew a heavy breath through my nose as I massaged my face miserably. "Look, let's... I imagine you have a lot of questions for me, so... go ahead." I waved my hand at him aimlessly. "Let me have it."

Sanji contemplated things for a moment before nodding gravely. "Cross, it is _very_ important you tell me _everything_ you can about _one_ person," he informed me grimly.

I swallowed heavily and slowly nodded. "I should have figured... who is it? Blackbeard? Akainu? Someone in CP9?" I winced as a thought struck me. "If it's Doflamingo, then believe me, man, we need to be careful. I don't even want to contemplate how many ears that bastard has..."

"No, none of those. This is more important than _any_ of them," Sanji sighed. Face serious as a nuclear winter, he slowly walked over to me. I flinched as he dropped his hands on my shoulders and forced me to face him.

"I need you to tell me... about Princess Shirahoshi."

...wait, what?

"Wait, _what!?"_ I sputtered in disbelief.

"You heard me! Tell me about the Mermaid Princess!" And just like that, Sanji was caught up in a full-blown Category 5 Love Hurricane, swirling about the room with hearts in his eyes. "The most beautiful creature beneath the seas, an exquisite example of the feminine form, truly Aphrodite incarnate! You have to tell me all about her, I beg of you, I'll do whatever I have to! Just tell me about her!"

I couldn't help but gape at the display in shock, my mind desperately trying to keep up with what my eyes were telling me.

"WOW..." Soundbite whistled in dull shock.

"Uh... okay..." I hesitated for a moment before speaking. "I'll start by telling you that there are three obstacles in the way of you being able to act as her knight in shining love. First? She's twenty thousand feet below the sea."

"Twenty thousand or a hundred, it matters not!" Sanji swooned. "I will traverse through hell itself to lay eyes upon such a beauty!"

"Riiiight... second, she's constantly locked up in the tower that acts as her room because of how she's being stalked by a local crimelord with a damn dangerous Devil Fruit ability."

"I will beat that blackguard within an inch of his life!" the love cook roared, his mood abruptly switching from sickeningly saccharine to burning hot fury. "Even if I have to fight through an army of such villains, my love will endure!"

My eye twitched at the display. "Alright then... and now for the clincher: she's underage."

Sanji froze, mid-pirouette. "W-what?" he whimpered miserably.

"Yup," I nodded, unable to keep a shit-eating grin off my face at his expression. "She's currently six- ah, no wait. We'll meet her in about two years, she'll be sixteen then. Right now, she should be... what, fourteen? Fifteen? Eesh, that just make it _worse…_ Van der Decken is a creepy bastard, but then again I already knew that."

Sanji stood frozen for a few moments... before falling to his knees and _howling,_ letting out a noise that wouldn't be out of place coming from most wounded animals. " _WHHHYYYYY!? CURSE YOU, FATHER TIME! CUUUURSE YOOOOUUUU!"_

Soundbite cocked an eyestalk with a decidedly unimpressed expression. " **Seriously?"**

"Pfff..."

" _Huh?"_ Soundbite swiveled his eyes to peer at me questioningly.

I couldn't respond. I was too busy hunching over with my hands clamped over my mouth in order to try and contain myself. "Pfff... _pfff..."_

But in the end, I just couldn't do it.

_PFFFFF_ HAHAHAHAHAHA!" I burst out, flinging myself back on my bed and covering my eyes with my hands as I _howled_ with laughter. "O-O-OH MY _GOOOD, YOUR FA-A-ACE!_ HAHAHAHA!"

Soundbite adopted an even _less_ impressed look, although he was sporting a small smile of his own. " _ **Seriously?"**_

Sanji huffed aggravatedly for a moment before pulling himself together and straightening his clothes out. "I'm _so_ glad my agony is amusing to you, Cross..." he grumbled darkly.

The only response I could muster was a few humorous, if pained, wheezes. My body ached as it shook with mirth, my ribs burned, tears streamed out from under my fingers... but those had nothing to do with the pain.

"T-thanks for that, Sanji..." I managed to bite out as I wiped my eyes. "That... that meant a lot to me."

"Hmph..." Sanji puffed on his cigarette for a moment before smiling slowly. "Anytime, Cross." But as quickly as the smile appeared, it was replaced with a serious expression. "But this isn't the end of things, you know. You _are_ going to have to explain how you know so much."

_That_ got a wince out of me as I raised a hand. "Look, Sanji..."

" _Cross,"_ Sanji said firmly, cutting off my objection. "We had to deal with you literally shitting the bed for _two days_. You owe us an explanation just for that."

" _And you'll get it!"_ I hastily reassured him. "I'll explain... as much as I can, I swear! It's..." I looked away sheepishly. "It's not like I can hold anything back now and still call myself a Straw Hat, you know? Just... just give me some time, alright? I'll explain everything to everyone once we're all on the Merry. I'd... rather not tell it twice if I don't have to."

Sanji contemplated my words for a moment before nodding slowly. "Alright then... fair enough. But you _will_ tell us everything, right?"

I shrugged with a sheepish grin. "Or at least as much as I can. I... _think_ that Luffy would object to me spilling anything else."

"What, our captain has _other_ secrets?" the cook said, his eyebrow cocked in disbelief.

" _Hell_ no," I snorted. "Sabo and Ace were the only ones he's kept, or at least, the only ones I'm aware of, at any rate. No, Luffy just... doesn't like spoilers, you know?" I couldn't help but chuckle fondly. "He's keen on reaching our destination, sure, but that doesn't mean he wants to know every inch of the journey ahead of time. Get my drift?"

Sanji mulled the statement over for a moment before nodding in agreement. "Yeah... yeah, I understand. Alright, I'll wait until we get out of here. For now, though..." He swallowed with a grimace. "I'm going to get back in bed. I don't want to contemplate what the witch will do to me if she catches up with me right now... Still, I'll check on Luffy. See if he'll want to come and visit you." And with that, he turned around and started to leave.

" **YEAH, YOU'D BETTER RUN!"** Soundbite snickered at his back.

"Ah-! Sanji, wait!" I hastily called out as a thought struck me.

"Hm?" the cook hummed as he glanced back at me.

I hesitated for a moment before asking what was on my mind. "The... the others... the rest of the crew... are they... angry at me or...?"

Sanji contemplated my question for a moment before blowing out a small cloud. "Zoro was grumbling something about you being a hypocrite," I couldn't help but wince self-consciously. "And everyone else is somewhat curious about what you know, but other than that..." He shrugged helplessly. "They were all worried about you, Cross. I don't know what else you want me to say."

I allowed a small smile to cross my face as I lay back in bed. "Nothing. That's... that's enough. Thanks, Sanji."

The cook nodded slowly in agreement. "Yeah... get well, Cross."

And with that, he left.

I lay back in bed for a moment before glancing up at Soundbite. "Alright... time for a damage check. Start by listing all the names I gave."

A half hour later I was slumped back in bed, just a little overwhelmed by how _much_ I'd managed to spill. No exact details, thankfully, and I'd managed to keep mum on a surprising amount of fighting capabilities, but other than that? I'd shared at least half of our future destinations, named a goodly number of future enemies, and blurted more than enough past friends and family members to make things just flat out _weird._

"Oy vey..." I groaned morosely. "Is that the end of it?"

"THAT'S JUST _the names_ **we recognized** ," Soundbite replied, shaking his head.

I eyed the snail warily. "What do you mean by 'recognized'?"

Soundbite tilted his head to the side. " _That thing_ **I ate that** LETS ME _HEAR SO MUCH._ **THAT WAS** _ **an iPhone,**_ **RIGHT?"**

I slapped a hand to my face with a groan. "Son of a- _how much?"_

" _Everything from_ **computers TO** PLANES _AND_ _ **trains."**_

"Newsflash, there are already trains here."

" _ **MAG-lev**_ TRAINS?"

"Fair point..."

" _ALSO,_ **who's** _ **Eiichiro Oda?**_ "

"Uhh..."

" _ **OR**_ _IS IT_ **Goda?** _ **You used both."**_

I started rythmically thumping the back of my skull against the headboard. "For the love of... whenever I mentioned One Piece, did I ever occasionally mention anything about 'volumes'?"

Soundbite shrugged helplessly. "SOMETHING _about a_ **collection MAYBE?** _YOU WEREN'T_ **always** _ **clear."**_

"Yeeeaaah, that figures..." I groaned miserably. "Urgh... damn it, can things-?"

" **AHE-hem!"** Soundbite interrupted me firmly.

"Ah, thanks." I winced in embarrassment. "That was a close one. God knows that Murphy's active around here..."

" _Too close_ FOR COMFORT!" Soundbite scoffed as he jerked his eyestalks to the side.

I blinked in confusion as I followed his line of sight... and noticed a squat figure covered in brown fur and sporting a blue nose standing in the middle of the doorway, _trying_ to hide from me.

' _Yeah, that figures.'_

I blinked at the reindeer for a moment before adopting a flat look. "You _do_ realize that your way of hiding is... _so_ inefficient it hurts, right?"

"EEP!" Chopper squawked in shock before hastily flipping his position.

I cocked an eyebrow at that. "Yeeeaaah... A, I've already seen you, B, that position isn't really that good for spying even when done right, and C? The antlers... _really_ aren't doing you any favors. Just FYI."

" **HEEHEEHEE** _HAHAHA!"_ Soundbite squawked euphorically.

"S-SHUT UP, HUMAN!" Chopper barked out agitatedly. "ALSO, HOW ARE YOU FEELING, IS YOUR FEVER DOWN!?"

"Eh..." I rested my hand against the back of my head contemplatively. "I... think my temperature's a bit high? Not sure, though. Still, overall, I think I'm good..." Without warning, my stomach suddenly rumbled and churned, prompting me to curl up painfully. "Oooookay, apart from that! Do you know where the bathroom is or-?"

"Ah, hang on a minute!" Chopper hastily darted over to the bed and scrambled beneath it. "J-just hold it in long enough for me to change the pan! And also, make sure you're over the hole when you- well, you know!"

I blinked in confusion as I shifted around on the bed. "What ho-oh!" I blinked as I located the hole... then tensed furiously as I became aware of something _else._ "Okay, _who the hell took my pants!?"_

"That was me!" Chopper slid out from under the bed with one of his hooves clamped over his nose, while his other was holding a metal pan as far from his body as he could manage. "Sorry, but we didn't have much of a choice. Normal cholera alone includes diarrhea as a symptom, but Primal Cholera is... much more hostile. This is the third time I've had to replace your pan today! Oh, and by the way? You should eat more vegetables. I think you might be low on Vitamin A."

I cocked an eyebrow at the reindeer as I worked to wrangle my intestines. "You can tell that by smell alone?"

"Not by choice, I can tell you that much!" the young Zoan-type gagged as he set my filled pan down and dug a fresh one out of a nearby cabinet before sliding back under my bed. "Give me a second..." He hastily slid back out. "Okay, you're good to go."

And with that, I let loose with a sigh of relief. "Oooh thank you sweet merciful- _AH!"_ I cut myself off with a wince as the burn came. "I take it back: screw you, God, screw you _hard!"_

Chopper winced at the... _noises_ originating from me, but then gave a sigh of relief. "Well, at least you sound healthy enough. You should be good to go in a few days."

"Joy on earth..." I groaned miserably at my predicament for a moment before eyeing him contemplatively. "Sooo... what _are_ you, exactly?" I barely managed to hide my grin at what I was about to say next. "Some kind of arctic jackalope?"

"I'M A REINDEER!" Chopper roared irately as he shoved his forelimbs up at me. "SEE!? HOOVES!"

I hastily raised my hands in surrender as I grinned sheepishly. "I see them, I see them. Sorry, that was my bad. Still... a reindeer that walks on two hooves, huh?" I winced internally at what I was about to say, but resigned myself to the fact that I had to do it anyways. "Guess that makes you something of a monster, huh?"

I nearly flinched at the wave of emotion that swept over Chopper. Rage, misery, disgust... honestly, the worst of all w\ould probably the sheer sense of _resignation_ he seemed to have. Hopefully, what I had to say next would change all that.

"That's _awesome!"_ I blurted out with a grin.

If Chopper's thunderstruck expression was anything to go by, that was _not_ the response he was expecting. "Buh-wha- _seriously!?"_

I nodded eagerly as I continued to grin. "Heck yeah! Why wouldn't it be?"

"B-b-but, look at me!" Chopper stammered as he flailed his arm at himself. "I-I'm covered in fur! I walk on two hooves, I have antlers! M-My _nose_ is _blue!"_

I blinked at his nose as though it were the first time I was seeing it. "Huh. Would you look at that? So it is."

"Doesn't any of that _scare_ you, o-o-or disgust you o-or...?!" Chopper trailed off helplessly, obviously several miles out of his depth.

' _Damn, he's really needed someone to say this to him...'_ I thought - _legitimately_ thought, I damn well made sure my tongue stayed glued to the roof of my mouth - before shrugging indifferently at his display. "Why would I? It's pretty freaking obvious you've got a Zoan-type Devil Fruit, those things are _always_ weird."

"Ah..." Chopper allowed himself to relax slightly. "It... it's really that obvious?"

"Yeah, totally. What do you have? No, wait!" I held my hand up swiftly. "Let me guess... one of the Horse-Horse or Ox-Ox Fruits? Stag Model or something along those lines?"

I winced at Chopper's stricken expression, the way the hope seemed to drain out of his face. "I... no, the opposite. I... I ate the _Human-Human_ Fruit. I... I was originally a _reindeer..."_ He flinched back instinctively, obviously waiting for a specific and all-too-familiar reaction.

A reaction I had absolutely no intention of providing. "Seriously?" I asked as I tilted my head inquiringly. "Damn, that's even cooler!"

" _HUH!?"_ Chopper barked out in disbelief.

"Well yeah!" I said, shrugging. "I mean, come on! Ninety percent of all other Zoans? They're humans who can turn into animals. But an animal that can become human? That's gotta be damn rare, if not unique! Guess that makes you a really special monster, huh?"

Once again Chopper flinched, though thankfully this time it was less severe. "W-why... do you keep calling me-?"

"A monster?" I finished for him. "Easy: because monsters are really cool. Down and out awesome, no question about it."

Chopper's mouth flapped helplessly for a moment, but I powered on before he could respond.

"Because you see, what I said earlier about most other Zoans? Same basic concept: majority of the normal people on the Blue Seas are completely normal average joes, dime-a-dozen cookie-cutter humans, nothing weird about them. Hence, monsters like you who are abnormal and out of the ordinary? Well, in my opinion, they're pretty awesome, simple as that."

The little human-reindeer before me stared at me in complete and utter shock for a moment before swallowing heavily and turning around, pretending (badly at that) to busy himself with some nearby shelves. "A-and how do you know they're awesome, huh? Y-you've seen a lot of monsters or something?"

"Oh, yeah, sure!" I plastered a wild smile on my face as I grinned at him. Time to sell the dough. "You see a lot of cool monsters when you live a pirate's life!"

Chopper tensed furiously for a moment before fake-working even more frantically. "Y-y-you're a pirate? For real?"

I chuckled as I leaned back in my seat, crossing my arms beneath my head. "Eeyup! And so are my friends! Heck, the guy you treated for frostbitten fingertips is our captain! Ah, and _just_ for the record!" I jabbed my finger into the air. "We're _real_ pirates! Adventure-and-freedom lovers, not worthless raiding fakers like that Blackbeard bastard who attacked you guys!"

"W-wow, really? T-that's cool..." Chopper mumbled half-heartedly.

"Yeah, it is! And some of those monsters I mentioned? Three of them are in this castle at this very moment!"

"HUH!?" Chopper yelped as he swung around and stared at me, wide-eyed in shock. "Really!?"

"Heck yeah! Here's one right now!" I held up Soundbite for him to see. "Meet Soundbite. Oh, and my name's Jeremiah Cross, forgot to mention that. Anyways, if you would, little guy?"

"HELLO, _HELLO,_ _ **HELLO!"**_ Soundbite sang acapella-style.

"See? See?" I gestured at him eagerly. "A snail capable of harmonizing with itself! That's nowhere near normal, I guaran-freaking-tee it!"

Chopper swallowed heavily as he eyed Soundbite, with no small amount of awe at that. "A-and the other two?"

I jerked my head towards the doorway. "My two crewmates you're treating. The blond guy's Sanji, our cook, and the guy with the straw hat which I _pray_ you left on him is Straw Hat Luffy, our captain. They're both monsters in their own right."

"Monsters? But..." Chopper frowned in confusion. "They're... both human."

"Ah, well, you see..." I scratched the back of my head sheepishly. "There are many many _many_ types of monsters in this world. Sanji? He's got a hell of a kick. And when I say hell, I mean he caved in a velociraptor - yes, a _dinosaur's -_ chest... what, a week ago?" I glanced down at Soundbite, who nodded in confirmation. "Yeah, a week ago. And Luffy? Well, I'm guessing you weren't a part of treating him, because then you'd know that he's made of rubber thanks to a Devil Fruit of his own. And really, that's one of the _least_ monstrous things about him."

"Wow..." Chopper breathed as he looked down contemplatively. His eyes darted around in thought for a moment before he giving me a pleading look. "Uhh... could you... tell me more about your captain?"

I made to respond when Soundbite interrupted me. "ASK _him_ **yourself!** _HE'S_ **ON** _his way_ **now!"**

"Uh-oh..." I groaned as I slapped my hand to my face miserably. "Yeah, Chopper, you'd better get out of here now. Like _right_ now, before he gets here!"

"Huh? W-why!?" Chopper asked nervously, before shifting to concern as a thought struck him. "D-do you think he won't like be b-because of what I am?"

" _Heeeell_ no!" I scoffed. "I bet you Beris to beer barrels that he's going to think you're the coolest thing since sliced ham! Aaaafter he's done trying to eat you, at any rate."

" _WHAT!?"_ Chopper squawked in disbelief.

"Yeeeah, see, here's the thing..." I winced and scratched the back of my head uneasily. "Two things about Luffy that make him such a monster? The first is his sheer appetite, and the second is that he's so fond of meat that he might as well be classified as a carnivore. And assuming that he hasn't eaten in several hours..."

" **EEEEE-** _ **NOPE!"**_ Soundbite provided.

"Then yeah, he's not going to really peg on to the fact that you can talk until he's partway through trying to literally bite your head off, and assuming that Sanji's out-of-it enough, then he's probably going to try and help cook you. So yeah, you should _really_ run before they get here. Nothing personal, mind you, he just _loves_ to eat and you're part animal, so... yeah." I shrugged helplessly. "Sucks to be you, huh?"

Gibbering fearfully, Chopper turned to break for the door... before pausing as a thought struck him. "Wait... h-how did you know my name? I-I didn't mention it to you, and neither did Doctorine..."

I froze at the question for a moment before grinning cheekily. "Simple." I widened my smile to show all my teeth. "I'm a badass pirate."

Chopper blinked at me in shock for a moment before swallowing nervously and turning and darting for the doorway.

Unfortunately for him though, he was a little bit too late on his feet.

"HEY CRO- _Oomph!_ Huh? What the heck?"

At least, he was if the way he ran headlong into Luffy's legs was anything to go by.

Chopper stammered fearfully as he stared up at Luffy, while my Captain's face was curiously blank for a second before gaining a hungry look I was _far_ too familiar with. "Is that... a reindeer?" he asked eagerly.

Chopper swallowed fearfully as he took a slow, deliberate step back from my captain. The blood drained from the poor Zoan-user's face, visible even under his fur, as a line of drool slowly slid out from the corner of Luffy's mouth. "I've never tasted reindeer before!" he moaned gluttonously.

"Give me ten seconds and I'll give you a venison roast that's to die for!" Sanji piped up from behind Luffy.

Yeah, I needed to break up this terror show before things got ugly. "RUN LITTLE DOCTOR-MAN, RUN!" I cried out dramatically.

Apparently _that_ was enough to break Chopper out of his terror, prompting him to turn tail (figuratively, not literally, apparently reindeer don't have tails; learn something new every day.) and _run_ while screaming his furry little ass off. "YEEEAAARGH!"

"COME BACK, DINNER MEAT!" Luffy roared as he gave chase.

"HANG ON, LUFFY, LET ME COOK HIM FIRST!" Sanji shouted as he followed behind him.

I chuckled lightly as I watched the trio dash out, the sounds of their hunt wafting back to me. "Sounds like Chopper'll be a great part of the crew, huh?"

Soundbite nodded eagerly and opened his mouth to respond...

"Oh it does, does it?"

Before snapping his mouth shut in horror as an elderly voice responded. " _Gotta_ WORK **on that..."** he cursed softly.

I swallowed heavily before slowly turning my head to focus on Doctor Kureha, who was staring at me with an inscrutable expression from the doorway to the room.

My mind flew for a moment before I finally let out a heavy sigh. "Chopper couldn't have helped treat me _that_ much because of the... _smell,_ meaning that you were up close and personal while I was speaking..." I groaned heavily and ran my hand down my face. "Meaning that with my luck, you heard me talking about Chopper before I'd even _seen_ him..." I looked up at her in resignation. "So, are we good enough for the little guy to come with us?"

"Hmph..." the 'good' doctor grumbled as she walked into the room. "You're certainly something, I'll give you that much. Better than those Blackbeard bastards..." Her gaze sharpened slightly behind her sunglasses. "And judging by that spiel you spun earlier-"

I cast a glare at Soundbite, who looked away with a nervous whistle.

"I'm guessing you know something about Chopper's past, huh?"

I considered my options for a moment before nodding tiredly. "Yeah... yeah, I do. Everything from his exile from his herd to the death of the good quack. Not to mention said quack's last gift to you."

Kureha cocked an eyebrow at me for a moment before shaking her head. "I'm not even going to ask how, because honestly, in the end? I don't care. There's only one thing that I _really_ want to know."

In a flash, Kureha was looming over me like the Reaper himself, a scalpel held in her fist and hanging a mere two inches from my face.

"HOGEEZE!" I squeaked, pressing myself against the headboard as firmly as I could.

" _ **EEP!"**_ Soundbite shrieked, snapping back into his shell.

"Do you _actually_ care about my son," Kureha hissed viciously. "Or are you just playing on his insecurities to shanghai him into your little pirate band?"

I fought to control my breathing in face of the utter demon before me before finally managing to get my nerves under control. Once I managed _that_ , though, I was able to muster the courage to glare Kureha dead in the eyes. "Frankly, I am _insulted_ you would insinuate that," I hissed venomously. "Yes, Chopper's skills would be a boon to us, I won't deny that, but they're not the reason I want him to join. I want him to join because he would be a good friend and he _needs_ friends. He needs people to tell him that it's _alright_ to be a monster, to not be human. You've been good to him, I know that, but at the end of the day, he needs more. You can't keep him in this castle forever." I was silent for a moment before narrowing my eyes. "And you know that, don't you?"

Kureha was silent for a moment before drawing away from me with a tired scoff. "Well you can make a good argument, I'll give you that... and I suppose you _seem_ like a decent sort..." Her gaze sharpened anew. "But that doesn't tell me anything about the rest of your crew."

I opened my mouth to respond... before I was cut off by Chopper's voice bellowing out from the castle's main hall.

"ARE YOU TWO DEAF!?"

I wracked my brain for what could have prompted that outburst before grinning winningly as I recalled what was happening. "Here, let me prove you wrong." I glanced around hastily. "Uh, did the guys bring my headphones with me or...?" The headphones were promptly dropped in my lap. "Oh, thanks!"

"Quite the sturdy pair you've got there, brat..." Kureha mused. "I'm surprised they managed to survive the climb."

"What can I say? I buy quality gear," I chuckled as I slipped them over my ears. "Anyways, Soundbite?"

" **AYE?"** the snail barked as he poked his eyestalks out of his shell.

"I need a two-way line between me and Chopper and a one-way line from Luffy and Sanji to him and me, ASAP."

" _Uno momento por favor..."_ An electric whine filled the air. "DONE!"

" _Wait... that reindeer spoke, right?"_ Luffy's disembodied voice mused contemplatively.

" _Yeah, and he was walking on two legs..."_ Sanji concurred.

One moment of silence later... " _HOLY CRAP, HE'S A MONSTER!"_ the two roared simultaneously.

Kureha snarled furiously as she turned towards the door. "Excuse me for a moment, I need to break the Hippocratic Oath in ten ways apiece."

"Hold it!" I hissed as I waved at her frantically before focusing on Soundbite. "Hey, Chopper!"

" _Huh-what!?"_ Chopper's voice stammered nervously. " _Cross!? H-how are you-!?"_

"Soundbite's good for more than just parlor tricks, Chopper," I reassured him. "And anyways, I wouldn't recommend walking out _just_ yet. Only listening to half of a conversation can lead to _horrible_ misunderstandings."

" _W-what are you-?"_

"Shh... listen."

" _He walks on two legs, he's fluffy, he looks like a reindeer..."_ Sanji continued in awe.

" _He can be small or grow until he's as big as a gorilla..."_ Luffy breathed contemplatively.

" _Cross..."_ Chopper whined miserably. " _Why do I-?"_

" _That's so cool!"_

Chopper's response died in his throat with a pained gargle. Even Kureha herself was staring at Soundbite in shock, holding her sunglasses above her eyes.

" _Hey, Sanji, I just got an idea!"_ Luffy continued eagerly. " _Let's get him to join our crew!"_

"And now for the _real_ kicker!" I piped up. "Soundbite, connect me to the guys."

" _ **DONE!"**_

"Hey Luffy, I was listening in! You want Chopper to join us, right?"

" _His name's Chopper? That's even cooler!"_ Luffy cackled happily.

"I'll take that as a yes. Personally, I agree with the idea entirely! I mean, the little guy _did_ help save our lives, you know, him being a doctor and all!"

" _He's a doctor too?! That's perfect!"_ my captain whooped ecstatically. " _Now we_ really _need to get him to join!"_

" _That_ does _sound like it would be pretty useful..."_ Sanji concurred.

"Exactly! See, you guys get it," I chuckled in agreement. "Well, you go ahead and try and convince him. Meanwhile, I'm going to relax for a bit, alright?"

" _Okay! Oh, and before I forget, I'm glad you're alright!"_

"Heh, me too. Well, good luck!" And with that, I jerked my hand across my throat. Once Soundbite confirmed he'd dropped the connection, I shot a grin up at Kureha. "See? Some people really _like_ monsters. Let me guarantee you, Chopper: if Luffy wants you to join our crew, it's not just a fluke. I mean, hey, look at me, right?"

" _Uh... I, ah..."_ Chopper stuttered hesitantly, his voice filled with emotion.

"Well, just for the record, I'd love to see you on the crew. For now, though, I'd recommend you start running again. Luffy can be a bit... enthusiastic."

" _Huh? What are you-?"_

" _HEY CHOPPER-MONSTER-GUY!"_ Luffy's voice suddenly roared.

" _WAAAAH!"_ Chopper shrieked fearfully as he presumably started running.

"Good luck, little buddy!" I laughed eagerly as I indicated for Soundbite to drop the connection. That done, I smiled up at Kureha again. "Satisfied? Luffy wants Chopper to join _because_ of what he is, not even _remotely_ in spite of it. Hell, I don't think Luffy could hate another person for what they were if he tried. He's just a really good..." I trailed off as I became aware of the music filtering through the air, then shot a caustic glare down at Soundbite. "The 'My Little Pony' theme? _Really?"_

" **HOOHOOHOO** _HAHAHA!"_ Soundbite chortled eagerly.

"Oh go and get salted..." I groused darkly before getting back on task. "Anyways, what do you think, Doctor? Are we good enough for Chopper?"

Kureha stared at me for a moment before shaking her head heavily. "Can you guarantee that you'll keep him safe?"

I affixed the elderly doctor with a flat look. "That request is neither fair nor plausible and you damn well know it."

"Kak kak kak, fair enough..." Kureha chuckled mirthlessly. She was silent for a moment longer before throwing her hands up in defeat. "Honestly, I should have known this day would come. That damn quack Hiriluk got into the poor boy's head something fierce." She glared at me sharply, if sadly. "If the fool is stupid enough to join you, then I'll give him hell for it but I won't stop him. I don't think I could even if I tried..."

I grinned widely at the woman. "Thanks a lot, Doctor!"

"Yes, yes..." Kureha groused before whipping out a scalpel and twirling it around her fingers as she grinned at me, her canines suddenly prominent. "Just don't think that means you're getting out of here any sooner, brat! You're staying until you have a clean bill of health, and not a moment sooner! Not to mention..."

THUNK!

I most decidedly did _not_ squeal like a stuck pig when _a_ dozen different scalpels buried themselves in the wood around my head.

"The matter of your bill."

"Uhh..." I moaned intelligently before grinning sheepishly. "T-that can be arranged! J-just give me a second to arrange things! Heheh...heh... ah... _Soundbite!"_ I hissed at the snail frantically. "Nami, now!"

" **Uhh..."** Soundbite cocked his eyestalk at me doubtfully. " _This is_ A MOUNTAIN, _**you remember**_ **THAT,** _ **RIGHT?"**_

I rolled my eyes with a sigh. "No shit I remember that, dumbass. What I _meant_ was try Pinkie and the Brain. I'm sure Nami's got to have _one_ of them on her."

" **Ooooh,** _okay!_ HOLD PLEASE!" Soundbite's gaze trailed off into the distance for a moment before refocusing into a vaguely worried expression. " _Hello?"_ he asked in Nami's voice.

"Hey Nami!" I greeted eagerly. "It's Cross! We managed to make it up the mountain! Luffy and Sanji are a bit banged up, but overall we're doing pretty good! We, ah, _are_ going to need some help with the matter of the medical bills..."

" _Cross! Dammit, why didn't I think of calling you?! Listen, you need to be careful! You're about to get company up there! Wapol's on his way to the castle, and he should be there any-!"_

SLAM!

Without any warning, the door to the room was slammed open as Chopper barged in, a frantic expression on his face. "DOCTORINE!"

I grit my teeth as Soundbite adopted a panicked expression of his own.

"Correction, Nami..." I sighed grimly. "Wapol's already _here._ "

**-o-**

Fifteen minutes and a half-dozen explosions later, I was out of bed and wrapping myself up in a heavy blanket that was in the room.

" _DO we_ **need** TO?" Soundbite asked warily as he hid beneath the heavy fabric.

"Not much choice..." I groused as I slid some boots on. "Unless we stall Wapol, he'll go straight for the armory, or worse yet that massive cannon of his. Luffy'll still be able to kick his ass, obviously, but there'll be more collateral damage. So for now... we need to distract him. At least for a bit, anyways. Juuust long enough for Luffy to get his act together and find the fat bastard."

Soundbite contemplated that for a moment before cocking his eyebrow at me. "HOW _do_ **you know** _THAT?_ _I've never_ **ASKED, but I'm** _curious now."_

I considered the question before shaking my head with a sigh. "I'll tell you when I tell everyone else. For now..." I tugged the blanket around myself firmly as I stood before the wooden door that led to the castle's main hall. "Ready to play a life-sized game of Pac Man?"

Soundbite grimaced miserably. "I DON'T _know what_ **that IS,** _ **BUT NO!"**_

I briefly considered the prospect of Wapol's massive jaws for a moment before grimacing miserably. "Yeah, me neither."

And with that, I pulled the door open and made my way out onto the balcony, shivering as the frigid, snow-laden air hit me. "Damn that's brisk..." I grumbled before looking around in an attempt to get my bearings. Alright, I was on the second floor, so if my memory was accurate, then that would mean Wapol must have been...

"HEY!"

Bingo.

I looked over the edge of the balcony as I took in the _massive_ form of Tin-Plate Wapol, the former ruler of Drum. Damn, there was huge and then there was _huge,_ and this guy? He looked like he was big enough to match Luffy bite-for-bite in appetite. And the ugly, angry expression he was sporting certainly didn't do him any favors.

"Are you a friend of that Straw Hat brat?" he growled murderously.

I grinned cheekily as I snapped a salute at him. "Eeyup! Jeremiah Cross, third mate, communications officer and tactician of the Straw Hat Pirates! And you must be Wapol, the fat, belligerent whale of a tyrant who made the lives of everyone in this nation hell, right?"

Wapol twitched furiously for a second before leering at me menacingly. "You think I'm a tyrant, huh?"

I glanced at Soundbite contemplatively before we both grinned at him menacingly. "Pretty much, yeah!"

"EE- _ **YUP!"**_ Soundbite concurred.

"Alright then."

And with that, Wapol walked over to a nearby pillar and shimmied up it with more agility than someone his size should have been capable of.

Once he was on the same floor as I was, he charged me with all the speed of an enraged bull. "DIE, YOU SHITTY BRAT!"

"SHIT!" I cursed as I started running at full speed. That Pac Man reference I'd made earlier was turning out to be more accurate than I'd predicted what with the way his jaws were snapping _right_ on my heels. I had _no_ idea how a son of a bitch his size could _possibly_ be that fast!

Thankfully, however, the chase didn't last anything close to long. Coming up on a staircase leading down, I hastily ducked into it, taking care not to slip on the snow and turning around once I was at the bottom.

THUNK! "GAH!"

I blinked up at the sight of Wapol's ass sticking out of the opening for a moment...

"PFFFHAHAHAHA!" " _HAHAHA_ **HEEHEEHEEEE!"**

Before both Soundbite and I fell into fits of laughter, cackling as we pointed up at the firmly wedged tyrant. _Damn_ , it was even funnier in real life!

"YOU DARE LAUGH AT A KING!?" Wapol snarled incredulously from his position.

"I dare laugh at a complete _idiot!"_ I howled up at him.

"Idiot HUH? THEN HOW ABOUT THIS! MUNCH-MUNCH FACTORY!"

Moments later, a tin can of a jaw thunked down the staircase before landing at my feet.

I grinned sadistically as I eyed the disembodied jaws eagerly. "Still pretty stupid, dumbass!" I reeled my foot back as far as I could manage. "PUNT!"

CLANG!

I blinked in confusion for a second before registering the sheer _pain_ in my foot.

"YEOW!" I howled miserably as I hopped back from the jaws, clutching my almost _definitely_ broken limb in agony. "HIPPO-HOPPING MOTHER-TRUCKING BLACK-HEARTED _JACKSHIT!_ HOW MUCH DO YOU FUCKING _WEIGH!?"_

"Hippo-hopping?" Soundbite snapped in disbelief.

" _I AM NOT COHERENT WHEN I'M HURT!"_ I roared at him.

"HA! Who's the moron now, peasant?" Wapol cackled as he unfolded himself into his new form. "Behold! Slim-Up Wapol!"

I looked the king's new form over for a moment before cocking my eyebrow at him in disbelief. "You call _that_ an improvement? I mean..." I gestured at him helplessly. "Come on, man. The torso is acceptable, sure, but that chin..." I grimaced and shook my head slowly. "No... no, the World Government is filled with monsters, but not even they would be inhuman enough to let a chin like that exist."

" **AYE!"** Soundbite piped up in agreement.

Wapol's eye twitched furiously before he scowled with every one of his teeth. "I don't usually _like_ cannibalism, brat, but for you..." He charged me with his jaws stretching to an _inhuman_ width. "I'LL MAKE AN EXCEPTION!"

"OHSHIT!" I bit out as I turned tail and ran, making for the castle's front doors. Moments later, however, I grinned as I noticed who was running in the opposite direction. "Hey Captain, good timing!" I smiled eagerly as I raised my hand and exchanged high-fives with Luffy. "Tag, you're in!"

"You got it!" Luffy grinned eagerly as he stretched his leg back. "Now... _eat this!"_ he roared as he rammed his foot square into the middle of Wapol's face. He then blinked in confusion as he took in Wapol's new size. "Hey, wasn't he fat a second ago?"

I shrugged indifferently as I watched Wapol twitch on the frozen floor. "Devil Fruit bullshitery, you know how it is. By the way..." I affixed a flat glare on Luffy as I tugged at the torn remains of the arctic-camo pattern parka he was wearing. "Was that the winter jacket Nami got me? Come on, man, that thing was fur-lined!"

"Heheh, sorry!" Luffy chuckled nervously as he scratched the back of his head. "For what it's worth, it was really comfy while it lasted!"

"Dumbass!" I scoffed with a grin as I slapped the back of his head. "Oh, and before I forget, how goes trying to recruit Chopper?"

"Eh, I'm still trying!" Luffy's grin widened enthusiastically. "Did you know that he can change into _seven_ different forms? He's so awesome!"

so "Actually, he's got eight," I corrected with a shrug. "Though he can't actually _control_ that last one, it's _super_ dangerous to both him and everyone around him."

"That sounds so cool!" Luffy squealed childishly, stars flashing in his eyes.

"But it's also a little _sad,"_ I said softly, grimacing. "He _really_ doesn't like using it. He's got a slight complex over the whole 'Monster' thing, you see-"

"ENOUGH TALK, YOU BASTARDS!"

Our attention was diverted as Wapol's furious voice wafted over us like a bad smell.

"Ugh, you're still here?" I groused irritably.

"BEHOLD!" Wapol roared as he gestured at the massive doors behind himself. "THIS IS THE ROYAL ARMORY OF THE DRUM KINGDOM! INSIDE IS ONE OF THE GREATEST ARSENALS KNOWN TO MANKIND, AND I HAVE THE ONLY KEY! ALL I HAVE TO DO IS UNLOCK IT WITH THIS KEY-!" He held up the key in question.

"So we don't let you unlock it," I interrupted him in a monotone. "Luffy?"

"Yeah?" my captain asked in the same tone of voice.

"Kick this dumbass's once-fat ass so that we can get back to recruiting Chopper."

Luffy's grin went from ear to ear as he rammed his fists together eagerly. "Right!"

Wapol blinked in confusion for a moment before hastily spinning around and fumbling with the key as he tried to unlock the armory's doors.

"GUM-GUM PISTOL!"

"AGH!" Wapol screamed in terror and then pain as Luffy's fist slammed the key out of his hand, crushing the rod of metal into a useless lump.

"Come on, dumbass!" Luffy grinned malevolently. "Let's settle this, one on one!"

Wapol stared at Luffy with a blank expression for a moment... before running away as fast as he could manage. "I'M NOT DONE YET! I STILL HAVE AN ACE UP MY SLEEVE!"

Luffy blinked in surprise as he watched the tyrant run. "He doesn't give up, does he?"

I shrugged indifferently as I did the same. "Cornered rats _are_ the most desperate." We watched him for a moment more before I sighed and jerked my head towards the fleeing monarch. "Well don't just stand there! Go kick his ass!"

"Oh, right!" Luffy blinked before roaring and giving chase. "GET BACK HERE, BASTARD!"

About a minute of tense waiting later, a _very_ welcome sound roared out.

"BAZOOKAAAA!"

_**CRASH!** _

I couldn't help but grin eagerly as the sound of victory and freedom echoed out.

"Well, sounds like that's that!" I grinned eagerly as I dusted my hands off.

That smile then proceeded to die a very swift, very _violent_ death when a bony hand clamped down on my shoulder like an industrial vice.

"What are you doing out of bed, brat?" the voice of Death itself hissed furiously from behind me.

I swallowed desperately as I tried to keep myself calm. "I feel much better?" I tried.

Kureha chuckled malevolently, an evil sound that sent shivers running up my spine. "Nice try. Now... care to learn one of the best aspects of being a doctor?"

"... good dental?"

"KAK KAK KAK! Ahh, no. No no... the best aspect... is that we know how to knock people unconscious while dealing the _least_ amount of damage possible. Here, allow me to demonstrate!"

Oh _cra—_

_THUNK!_

And my world became darkness and _pain._


	14. Chapter 14

### Chapter 14: Revelations! Cross Is From A Mystery World!

### Chapter Text

Wakefulness returned to me with a dull throb at the back of my head.

"Damn witch," I muttered under my breath as I rubbed the bruise. "I'm fragile, dammit!"

"Oh, not anymore you're not."

I blinked in confusion at the familiar voice that hit me. "Wha—?"

THWACK!

"OUCH!" I yelped as a fist slammed into the middle of my forehead, followed by the _exact spot_ Kureha had hit bouncing off of the headboard. "Sonnuva— _NAMI!"_ I growled, clutching the growing goose egg on the back of my skull. "Why the hell did you hit—!?" I blinked as my mind caught up with things. "Wait, _you hit me!?"_

"Yup!" Nami grinned cattily as she loomed over me. "The good doctor Kureha saw to it to give you a few vitamin supplements of her own creation. According to her, your bones are still a bit weak, but other than that..."

I barely managed to restrain a choked yelp as Nami slammed her fist _right_ next to my head.

" _You're mine..."_ she hissed venomously.

"Mommy..." I whimpered, shivering nervously in my bed.

"Nami, he's only just waking up! Leave him alone."

"Thank you, Vivi!" I gasped in relief as the blue-haired princess interjected on my behalf.

"Excuse me?" Nami deadpanned as she affixed a flat glare on Vivi.

To her credit, Vivi managed to stand strong in the face of Nami's Wrath for all of ten seconds before wilting in terror. "At least until we're back on the Merry?" she offered weakly.

And just like that, Nami was back to her 'pleasant' self. "That's what I like to hear!" she chirped.

"Allow me to reiterate: thanks a lot, Vi— _OW!"_ My deadpan reply was cut off by Nami hitting me again. "Will you stop _doing_ that!?"

"Not anytime soon!" Nami grinned as she cracked her knuckles menacingly. "You've managed to cause me a _lot_ of pent-up frustration, and I'm going to be cashing in for a _long_ time coming." Suddenly, a vicious glint entered her glare. "Your _latest_ stunt has got me _especially_ steamed.

I felt a pit form in my stomach as I thought about just what could piss off Nami this much. "So, uh, I guess you've seen the hospital bill, then?" I said as cheekily as I could muster.

Vivi plastered an uncomfortable smile on her face as she chuckled ruefully. "It was... quite substantial."

Coming from a legitimate _princess,_ that statement gave me absolutely _no_ comfort. In fact, it gave me _negative_ comfort.

"Your _attending physician,"_ Nami spat the words as though they were toxic. "Threatened to take the Going Merry as collateral, and she would have too if we hadn't managed to compensate the small fortune she asked for as a down payment." Nami looked away at the last bit, grumbling darkly.

"Oh, well that's-! Waaait..." I blinked in confusion as I processed what she'd just said. "You... wouldn't have had any money on you coming up here, so how could you have possibly..." I trailed off as I realized just how quiet things were. "Guys… where's Soundbite?"

Vivi's blush and inability to look me in the eyes and Nami's lip-chewing and roof-examining were answer enough.

" _Seriously!?"_

"I tried to stop her!" Vivi hedged hastily.

" _IT WAS YOUR IDEA, BITCH!"_ Nami howled viciously in return.

I gave Nami an incredulous stare. "Do you think I'm _that_ stupid?" I scoffed.

"Actually..." Vivi poked her fingers together sheepishly. "She's right."

I blinked once, twice as I attempted to restart my stalled brain. "...I-I'm sorry, what?"

"I-I'm sorry!" Vivi squeaked miserably. "I-I just thought that you'd be able to find a way to convince her to give him back, that's all!"

"Actually, Cross..." Nami interrupted, leaning in with a serious expression and placing her hand on my shoulder. "You're going to have to do a _little_ bit better than that."

I blinked at her in confusion. "What are you— _OH-SWEET-MOTHER-OF-MARY!"_ I hissed as her hand became a vice-grip.

"Because you see..." she hissed demonically. "Unless you manage to find a way to get her to drop the _entire_ bill, then I'll be taking the little... _discount_ she offered us."

The way she said the word 'discount' chilled me to the bone. "What discount?" I asked nervously.

Nami must have eaten the Cat-Cat Fruit, Model Cheshire while I was out because that is the _only_ explanation I can think of for how her smile managed to get that wide. "Take two, _leave one._ Got it?"

It took me all of three seconds to work out what she meant, at which point I promptly burst into a cold sweat. I wracked my mind viciously for _some_ way out of this predicament before sighing in relief as I managed to come up with a plan that had a _very_ high chance of success.

"Got it, and don't worry, I've got an idea," I reassured her hastily.

The second I said that both Nami and Vivi relaxed.

"Glad to hear it," Nami said in a _much_ calmer tone of voice.

"Great!" I clapped my hands eagerly. "Now then, first thing's first. Where's Kureha?"

"Right here, brat!"

"18! For the love of _God!"_ I snarled as the elderly doctor entered the room I was in. "What the hell makes you people call me that!?"

"'You people'?" Kureha asked quizzically as she cocked her eyebrow.

"Basically anybody even a little older than me!" I threw my hands up in exasperation. "Seriously, I do _not_ have a babyface!"

"Kak kak kak, nooo, but you _do_ act half your age!" the crone cackled.

"I do not-! _Ooooh!"_ I cut myself off as I realized what I'd been about to say. "Clever. _Very_ clever."

"Kak kak! The saying 'age before beauty' exists for a reason, brat!" Kureha gloated victoriously.

I could _feel_ my eye twitch for a moment before I forced myself to plaster a grin on my face. "Aaaaanyways. I'd like to make a request."

The elder doctor jutted her chin out, a proud smirk on her face. "The secret to my eternal youth?"

I opened my mouth to rebut her... then shut it as I reconsidered. "Initially no, but now that you mention it..."

"Seriously!?" Nami demanded incredulously.

"Well, come on, look at her!" I cried as I gestured at the doctor. "Wouldn't _you_ want to try that if you could!?"

"I..." Nami started to speak, then trailed off in thought. "Well... how old are you exactly?"

"139, kid, and still young!" Kureha crowed proudly.

"Holy shit..." Nami and Vivi breathed in awe.

"I know, right?" I concurred. "So... is there a price tag or...?"

"Ten digits, minimum," Kureha informed us.

" _Oh hell no!"_ Nami snarled as she crossed her arms in an X. "Even _if_ we had that kind of money, I _still_ wouldn't pay that much for eternal youth!"

I grimaced and sighed morosely. "That _is_ a little steep..." I admitted, before perking up as an idea struck me. "Can I have three guesses?"

"Hell no," Kureha shot down.

"Oh..." I sagged slightly, before glancing up hopefully. "Can I have _two_ guesses?"

Kureha considered for a moment before shrugging. "Eh, why not."

" _ARE YOU SERIOUS!?"_ Nami shrieked, her hands tugging at her hair.

"Alright, let's see..." I mused thoughtfully. "I'm going to go out on a limb and say... carrots?"

"Nope!" Kureha sniffed haughtily.

"Damn..." I cursed. "In that case... someone with the Op-Op Fruit performed the legendary Perpetual Youth Procedure on you..." I looked her over contemplatively. "From the neck down?"

_That_ managed to get Kureha to flick her sunglasses onto her forehead as she stared at me in shock. "So, you even know about the holy grail of medicine, huh? Well, you're officially one of the most surprising patients I've ever had, Mister Cross." She then proceeded to grin victoriously as she flicked her sunglasses back into place. "You're also dead wrong! KAK KAK KAK KAK!"

"Damn!" I cursed, snapping my fingers in defeat. "Worth a shot..." I then grinned victoriously as a thought struck me. "Still, on the bright side, in the future I'll have a legitimate reason to use the phrase 'once more, the secret to eternal youth has eluded me!' So hey, consolation prize!"

"Mister Jeremiah..." Vivi started slowly as she stared at me in awe. Or was that horror? "No offense... but you're _insane."_

My eye twitched furiously for a moment before I slowly turned my head to snarl at the princess. "Stop. _Calling me—!"_

"Ahem?" Kureha coughed conspicuously. "I believe you said you had something you wanted to ask?"

I jabbed my finger at Vivi with a final glare before looking back at the 'good' doctor. "Indeed, I do. First and foremost, I want Soundbite back."

"Oh?" Kureha cocked an eyebrow contemplatively as she fished around inside her jacket before drawing a familiar form out. "You mean _this_ little troll?"

"Soundbite!" I yelped, unconsciously reaching for him.

" _MMPH!"_ the Baby Transponder Snail managed to mumble out around his gag. For whatever reason, he had decided _not_ to bite through the gag between his teeth despite the fact that it was made of-

"Glass?" I blinked in confusion. "What the hell...?"

"Your pet was raising a racket earlier and when I tried to stuff his mouth with cloth, he bit clean through it. So I had to get creative. He wasn't so willing to be bitey when he saw me fill that test tube he's holding with a salt shaker." Kureha explained in a matter-of-fact tone of voice.

I opened my mouth to protest... then slowly closed it as I considered the facts. "That's... ingenious. I'm impressed."

" _MMPH_ **MU!"** Soundbite shouted indignantly around the gag.

I stared at Soundbite in confusion for a second before widening my eyes in realization. "Also, now we know that Soundbite needs to be able to use his mouth to use half his powers, which makes sense seeing how he's essentially a glorified ventriloquist. That's _really_ useful, thank you!"

" _ **MMMMPH!"**_

"Moving along: why should I give _my_ property back to you?" Kureha continued as if the last minute hadn't happened.

"Well, first," I jabbed my thumb at Nami. "Soundbite wasn't hers to give. I could say he's mine, but I'll be honest: Soundbite is his own being, and if you try to claim 'ownership' of him, then it's tantamount to slavery, and I doubt you're willing to stoop that low. Am I right?"

The doctor looked up thoughtfully for a moment before tilting her hand side-to-side. "Eh..."

"And second..." I spread my arms helplessly. "Come on, don't be a dick. Er..." I hesitated as I considered who I was speaking to. "Well, you get the gist."

Kureha considered things for a moment before shrugging and tossing Soundbite to me. "Fair enough."

"MEEP!" Soundbite shrieked as he tried to keep his fragile gag intact.

"Oh relax, will you?" she drawled as she rolled her eyes. "I lied: that salt shaker had _sugar_ in it, not salt. Sheesh..."

" _ **MMPH!"**_ the snail snarled incredulously as he stared at her in shock before _obliterating_ the test tube with his teeth and swallowing the remains whole. He then opened his mouth and-!

" **▂▂▃▃▄▄▅▅!"**

I blinked in awe as I numbly dug my finger through my ear. "Wow..." I whistled.

"I... lost track of half of what he was saying halfway through, though I _think_ he managed to insult your family back to its... tenth generation?" Nami stated uncertainly.

"I know twelve different languages, but... I didn't recognize a third of what he said," Vivi added.

"KAK KAK KAK! Either way, he's got quite the mouth on him!" Kureha crowed.

"Anyways..." I trailed off slowly. "I'd... like to make a deal with you, Doctor Kureha. Concerning my crew's medical bills and how long we'll be staying here."

Kureha cocked an eyebrow at me curiously as she considered what I was saying. "A deal, huh? What are you talking about?"

"Weeell..." I grinned roguishly. "You want access to this castle's armory so that you can fulfill the good doc- ah, sorry, the good _quack's,_ and I use that word with the utmost respect- final wishes. However, that's a difficult feat to accomplish on account of how Luffy destroyed the only key _to_ said armory. Quite the conundrum, no?"

That got everyone in the room staring at me in shock.

Vivi was the first to break the silence, suddenly grabbing my hands and staring at me with glittering eyes. "Are you a mind reader, Mr. Jeremiah? Is that how you know everything?"

"Uh, nooo…" I said uncomfortably as I slowly jerked my hand out of the princess's. "Though I don't need to read minds to know that I do _not_ want to know whatever the _hell_ is running through your head right now."

Nami's expression, in the meantime, was slowly morphing back into a wide grin, although she was angling herself in such a manner that Kureha couldn't see it.

Kureha, for her part, had managed to school her face so that she wasn't giving anything away. "Yes yes, your knowledge is at the same time disturbing and impressive. What of it?"

"What I propose is thus." I snapped a finger up. "If I can manage to get those armory doors open, from this bed, within the next _five_ minutes, then not only do you discharge me and my friends effective immediately, _but_ you also wipe our bill clean _and_ give us free reign of this place's larder."

"Hmph..." Kureha muttered darkly. "Sounds like I've got a lot to lose... what's in it for me?"

I spread my arms innocently. "My services as an indentured servant until either the end of my natural life or yours."

"So basically yours?" Kureha questioned with a grin.

I scoffed and rolled my eyes impatiently. "Yeah yeah, laugh it up, _Granny._ Now then..." I proffered my hand to her. "Do we have a deal?"

Kureha eyed my hand warily for a moment before scoffing and slapping it firmly. "It'll be nice to have some company once your captain convinces Chopper to leave. I hope you like mopping in subzero temperatures, brat."

"Ooooh, I wouldn't be so sure of that." I grinned as I held up Soundbite, and if the grin he was wearing was anything to go by, then he'd managed to figure out _exactly_ what I was planning. "Because, you see, my dear Doctor... you have just been played. Soundbite?"

Soundbite's grin widened as an electric whine pierced the air. " **YOU ARE GO,** _command!"_

And so, grinning like a loon, I spoke. And the first two words I spoke served to drain all hope of victory from Kureha's face.

"Hey, Luffy!"

**-o-**

One minute later, the four of us were standing before the doors to Drum Kingdom's armory.

Or, at the very least, what _remained_ of the armory's doors. And there was _not_ a lot of that left either. There was a little bit over there, a little bit over there, and a little bit _waay_ over ther smashed against the back wall of the armory.

"You. Son. Of a bitch," Kureha bit out flatly.

"I'm the son of a bitch who just managed to weasel his way out of having to pay you the big bucks. Screw you, witch doctor, I'm _happy!"_ I crowed joyously.

"Hey, Cross!" Luffy whined as he marched out of the armory. "There's no food in here, just guns! You can't eat guns! Seriously, I've tried, they taste gross."

Soundbite howled with laughter as Kureha twitched furiously, her face contorting miserably as she realized just how _badly_ she'd screwed up. "PAY UP, _SENIOR CITIZEN!"_

"Yeah, _Doc~tor..."_ Nami crooned as she rested her elbow on Kureha's shoulder, the Cheshire grin back at full force. "We had a deal, re~mem~ber?"

Kureha spat and snarled viciously for a moment before jabbing a finger upwards. "Third floor, through the kitchen, can't miss it."

"Woohoo! Thanks!" Luffy whooped eagerly.

"Any luck cornering Chopper?" I asked curiously.

"Not yet! Usopp and Zoro have been helping, but he's slippery and I'm hungry! But hey, don't worry!" He grinned savagely as he pounded a fist into his palm. "Once I eat, we'll get him in no time!"

Vivi looked between the three of us in awe - or maybe horror, again - for a second before shaking her head ruefully. "Evil. You guys are all pure _evil."_

"Hey, what can I say? We're _pirates!"_ I shrugged indifferently. "It's kind of our M.O."

"Oh, no, I don't have any issues with that, don't worry!" Vivi waved her hands hastily. "I'm only _realizing_ it just now is all."

"Heheheh, you're pretty dumb, Vivi!" Luffy cackled as he stuck his tongue out at her.

"And you're one to talk?" Nami, Vivi and I deadpanned in unison.

"Well, anyways, I'm gonna go and eat all this castle's food and then get our reindeer-doctor to join us! See you!" And with that, Luffy stretched his arms up to an upper floor's balcony and zipped out of sight.

I blinked up after him in shock before slowly looking at Nami. "I'm not the only one who can't believe that that sentence makes sense to me, right? Right?"

"Eh..." Nami waved her hand side to side. "I think I became a bit desensitized after 'a seagull grabbed my head when I flew up to catch it'."

"If you're quite done messing around?" Kureha growled as she tapped her foot impatiently.

"Oh, yes, right!" I grinned at her victoriously. "So can I take the clothes I'm in now, or would you rather I take some new ones?"

"Oh _hell_ no!" Kureha growled as she jabbed me in the chest. "You can steal my medical bill from me _and_ you can clean out my pantries, but on my pride as a doctor, I abjectly _refuse_ to allow you to leave this castle without proper treatment."

" _What!?"_ I squawked incredulously.

"Read my lips, _brat!"_ the doctor growled. "You're not going _anywhere,_ period!"

"Hey, that wasn't the deal!" Nami protested.

"I'm _changing_ the deal!" Kureha spat. "Thank whatever gods you pray to that I'm not changing it further!"

I made to say something... when I was interrupted by a _very_ familiar noise.

" _Fwhooooooh Ktchhhhhh... Fwhooooooh Ktchhhhhh..."_

Nami and I gave Soundbite a scathing glare, who responded with a sheepish, if unapologetic grin. "SORRY, _couldn't_ **resist."**

Kureha snorted like an angry bull before adjusting her sunglasses as she looked into the armory. "Anyways... as it is, you brats have caused quite the mess of things. I'm going to have to spend... fifteen minutes, at the least, sorting things out in there with the help of those villagers who came up with you. While we're working, you are _not_ to move from your room, no matter what. The same goes for your friend strapped down in Operating Room 2-F on the second floor. Also make sure that you do _not_ touch the keys to his restraints that are beneath the floorboards. If you do..." She gave us all a semi-serious glare. "You'll all be in _big_ trouble. Got it?"

I grinned as I raised my hand to my forehead in a two-fingered salute. "I've got it. Thanks a lot, Doctor, this means a lot to us. And don't worry, we'll look after Chopper, I promise."

Kureha twitched angrily as she glared at me. "Are you dense, boy?" she growled half-heartedly.

"Nah..." My grin widened minutely. "Just polite."

_That_ brought the doctor up short before sending her into a fit of laughter. "KAK KAK KAK KAK KAK! A polite pirate! Now I've _really_ seen it all!" she cackled uproariously as she wandered into the armory, accompanied by a few nervous villagers who'd been watching.

We watched her for a moment longer before I jabbed my thumb towards the staircase. "Well. Let's go scrape Sanji off his operating table and get the hell out of dodge. I don't want to even consider what she does once those fifteen minutes are up."

A few minutes later, we were making our way out of the castle's front door, Sanji's limp form hanging between us.

"I don't suppose this little incident will do _anything_ to help convince you to break your chivalry streak?" I huffed as I worked to hold the chef's shoulders.

"Not even close, Cross..." he growled, before wincing as a streak of pain shot through him. "Though this is undoubtedly the _closest_ anyone's come to it..."

" _Death_ **WISH!** _Death_ **WISH!"** Soundbite crowed uproariously.

Sanji snarled venomously as we trudged out into the snow, moonlight washing down over us. "Eat a saltshaker you little-!"

"BUT I'M... I'M A REINDEER!"

"Shhh!" I hissed as Chopper's voice rang out over the mountaintop.

"Huh?" Nami blinked in confusion as she caught sight of the little reindeer shouting at the rest of the guys. "What's going on?"

"Something momentous," I stated solemnly, shifting Sanji's weight slightly. "Vivi, would you mind-?"

"Don't you dare foist your burden on a woman, you-!"

"It's alright, I don't mind," Vivi hastily interceded, taking Sanji off my shoulders. "You go ahead and do whatever you have to."

I smiled gratefully before walking towards the group, where Chopper had been yelling his 'reasons' for not being able to come with us.

"BUT... I'M NOT HUMAN!" he sobbed, the show he was putting on doing little to mask the misery he felt. "I'M A MONSTER! I-I CAN'T JOIN YOUR CREW! T-THAT'S WHY... I'M JUST HERE TO SAY THANKS!" he cut himself off as he sniffled and attempted to maintain his composure.

I shook my head slightly as I stood next to Luffy, watching Chopper _actively_ war with himself. It was _painfully_ obvious just how much he wanted to come with us, but he was unwilling to allow himself the honor, the _right._ In the end, there was only one way possible for us to break the chains on his soul. And Luffy damn well knew it.

"So..." Chopper grit out painfully. "Thank you. And even though I'm staying here... maybe one day—!"

I interrupted Chopper with a _heavily_ exaggerated sigh, shaking my head sadly as I threw an arm around Luffy's shoulders. "Oy vey, you're really going to make us work for this, huh? Well!" I shrugged in defeat with my free arm as a cheeky grin worked its way onto my face. "I guess there's only one thing for it, eh, Luffy?"

Luffy matched my grin tooth for tooth as he threw his own arm over mine. "Yup! Wanna do it on three?"

"It would be my _honor,"_ I nodded respectfully. "One!"

"H-huh?" Chopper looked at us in confusion. "W-What are you—?"

"Two!" Luffy continued as our grins grew wider.

"Aren't you listening to me!? I-I _can't_ go with you! I w-want to, but- _but—!"_

"THREE!" Luffy and I roared as we threw our arms up simultaneously. "SHUT UP! LET'S _GO_ ALREADY!"

And _that_ was the straw that broke the reindeer's back. Chopper had to actively _fight_ to keep from bawling as he came to his decision and nodded vigorously, the last of his doubts dispelled. "OKAY!"

And just like that, we had ourselves a doctor.

"WEL _COME!_ WEL _COME!"_ Soundbite crowed enthusiastically.

"Tsk..." Zoro scoffed incredulously as he watched things go down. "Who's ever heard of recruiting someone with the words 'shut up'?"

"What can I say, Zoro? We're trendsetters!" I cackled as I patted Chopper's top hat. "Either way, welcome to the monster circus, little man! I see you've already met our sake-swilling oni, Zoro—!"

"Bite—!" Zoro hastily silenced himself as he glared ruefully at Soundbite, who was cackling malevolently.

"And our long-nosed tengu-sniper Usopp!"

Usopp opened his mouth and raised a finger... before ultimately settling for laughing ruefully. "Tengu! That... that's a new one! Ahh... well! I'm going to spike everything you put into your mouth with hot sauce for the next week or so. Hope you like tasting fire, bastard!"

"Don't worry, we're usually _much_ worse," I reassured the nervous reindeer-human.

Usopp muttered darkly for a moment before shaking his head and smiling at Chopper. "Despite how much of an ass Cross can be, he's right. You said your name was Chopper, right? Sorry for calling you a monster earlier, that was... an impulse."

"COWARD, _COWARD!"_ Soundbite snickered.

Usopp's eye twitched momentarily before he growled and shook his head in surrender. "Yeah... fair warning, he's not going away any time soon. Believe me, I've tried..."

"Hmph... so we have a reindeer crewmate now, huh?" Zoro mused contemplatively before giving me an exasperated look. "Why do I feel you have something to do with this."

"Hey, I _did_ say we needed a doctor!" I grinned cheekily.

_That_ got a blink of surprise out of him. "This little guy's a doctor?"

"And a competent one at that!" I assured him.

"C-Come on!" Chopper squealed as he proceeded to wiggle around gleefully, a bright blush shining through his fur. "Y-you can't get on my good side by buttering me up like that! It'll take more than words to make me happy! Jerk! Jerk bastard!"

"Your words say no, but your body—!" I laughed as Chopper slapped his hoof against my thigh halfheartedly.

"Well, either way, we're glad to have you aboard, Chopper," Vivi cut in, smiling kindly as she, Nami and Sanji made their way over to us.

"Mm..." Nami hummed noncommittally for a moment before shrugging, albeit while smiling slightly. "Don't shed in my room and you'll fit in just fine."

"Do it and I'll make good on the venison recipes I mentioned earlier," Sanji warned him only semi-seriously.

Chopper swallowed nervously as he eyed our cook and navigator warily. "R-Right..."

"Woohoo! New crewmate, new crewmate!" Luffy whooped uproariously as he ran through the snow. "Come on! Let's get back to the Merry so that we can _celebrate!"_

_That_ got Chopper to shake himself out of his happy dance. "Ah-! C-can we please wait a minute?" He gestured towards the castle. "I need to go and tell Doctorine that I'm leaving! It should only take a few minutes, I promise!"

I tensed as I recalled the 'good' Doctor's pinpoint impression of the Reaper. "Ah... do you really have to?" I hedged uncomfortably. "I mean... letters of farewell are _very_ in fashion lately, you know?"

"No no, it's fine!" Chopper grinned easily. "This won't take long, I promise!"

**-Three Minutes Later-**

"Wow, you were right..." I huffed as I hung onto the back of the sleigh Chopper was hauling for dear life, my legs trailing in the ice and snow. "That _didn't_ take long!" I winced as a handaxe buried itself in the wood next to my hand, quivering from the force. "Not long _at all!"_

"WILL YOU SHUT UP, CROSS!?" Chopper yelled back at me.

"NOW YOU'RE _REALLY_ FITTING IN!" Usopp called from his position in the sled.

"Har har, very funny!" I growled. "Now would one of you please _pull me-!"_

"HANG ON!"

Without warning, the sleigh suddenly _jerked_ , bucking me clean off and causing me to faceplant into the snow.

All I could do was stare in abject horror as the sled slid down the ropeway. "Well... shit," I mumbled numbly. "That's not good..."

" **THIS** _ **IS WORSE!"**_ Soundbite howled fearfully.

"The heck are you—GYEEP!" I squeaked in terror as a blade planted itself in the snow next to me.

"So brat... I seem to be out an apprentice thanks to you. Care to earn yourself a bed and lukewarm meal?"

"Uh..."

All of a sudden, a _very_ familiar hand was stuck in my face.

"HANG ON, CROSS!"

I grinned victoriously as I grabbed the Luffy's forearm with both hands. "Not today, Witch Doct- _WAAAAGH!"_

And just like that, I was _flying_ through the air, my arms feeling like they were a few psi from getting torn out of their sockets. I bounced against the snow-laden wire once, twice before I managed to get my feet under myself and balance myself upright.

"HEY CROSS, ARE YOU ALRIGHT?" Nami called out over the rushing winds.

"Uhhh..." I mumbled intelligently as I contemplated my situation. On an impulse, I leaned just a _little_ bit to the side, catching sight of just how _high_ we all were.

It was at that point that I became _all_ too aware of the kind of position I was in.

"Pfff..."

"What is he...?" Nami shaded her eyes as she stared at me before slumping in exasperation. "Oh my god..."

I was several hundred feet up in the air...

" _Pfff..."_

"He _can't_ be serious... at a time like this!?" Usopp moaned.

"I wouldn't expect anything else from Mister Jeremiah!" Vivi laughed lightheartedly.

Being pulled behind a one-reindeer open sleigh along an ice-encrusted cable _way_ less than a foot wide...

"PFFF...!"

"He's gonna do it," Zoro sighed.

"Well, it's not like we can expect anything else from him..." Sanji chuckled as he flicked his lighter and lit a cigarette.

Inches, _millimeters_ even, from life and death, hanging on by a wing, a prayer and Luffy's hand...

" _PFFFFF...!"_

"Huh?" Chopper glanced over his shoulder in confusion. "What? What is it? What's he gonna do?"

"The only thing he can do at a time like this!" Luffy crowed, a massive smile plastered on his face. "LAUGH!"

And so I did.

" _PFFFFFHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!"_ I roared, letting go of Luffy's arm with one hand and pumping a fist in the air victoriously. "WOOOOO! HELL YEAH, BABY! THIS IS AWESOME! WOOHOO! PFFFHAHAHAA, I FREAKING _LOVE THIS CREW! WOOO!"_

"KOWABUNGA, _BITCHES!_ _ **WOOHOOHOOHOOHOOOOO!"**_ Soundbite cackled madly as he clung to my shoulder for dear life.

As we flew along, I was _beyond_ exhilarated. The wind nipping at my body, the blood roaring through my ears...

As we neared the bottom of the ropeway, I could only wonder one thing:

Whether or not the _momentous,_ absolutely _iconic_ moment I knew was coming next would be able to top the high I was feeling right now.

**-o-**

It did.

Cherry blossoms... just as beautiful as I remembered.

You did good, Oda.

You did good.

**-o-**

An hour of sledding and one duck-thawing-and-marimo-pounding later, we were sailing away from Drum...

And everyone else was watching me with a variety of emotions.

"Do we _really_ need to do this, guys?" Luffy whined. "Come on, we just won! We should be celebrating!"

"Do _you_ want to go without answers?" Zoro asked our Captain flatly.

Luffy made to answer... then closed his mouth with an uncomfortable look on his face.

"Cross..." Nami sighed morosely as she eyed me. "We've been patient... we've waited... we're on the Merry..." She spread her arms helplessly. "No more stalling, Cross. It's time to talk."

I chewed my lip contemplatively as I slowly walked around the deck. The whole time we'd been sailing, I'd made myself scarce. I'd stayed in a corner, I'd stayed quiet... and I'd thought. I'd thought about what I'd say, what I'd said... what I felt...

Finally, I slowly turned and strode towards the Merry's front-left balustrade. The white-painted wood that made up the swirl was slightly cracked but other than that? It was fully present.

I patted the wood contemplatively, as though to reassure myself that it was still there, before letting loose a laugh of relief. "So..." I started slowly. "You managed to stop Wapol in time... good. It would have been one of Merry's first and... most prominent scars. I know she'll get hurt eventually, but... this one was bad, you know? I just... wanted to save her. From this, if nothing else."

Out of the corner of my eye, I watched as my crewmates glanced at each other uneasily, until finally...

"Cross..." Nami started slowly.

I chuckled mirthlessly as I shook my head. "Yeah, yeah... I know... no putting it off." I was silent for a second more before laughing again and scratching my head sheepishly. "Alright then... where to start... Oh!" I clapped my hands in realization. "How about this: who here has heard of the multiverse theory?" The lack of response I received didn't surprise me one bit.

"Yeah, I figured..." I sighed as I dug around in my pockets before finally pulling out a stray ten-beri coin. "Alright, imagine that I flipped this-" I shook the coin slightly. "And one of you called it after I caught it, heads or tails. Multiverse theory states that upon my flipping of this coin, the world would essentially split into two entirely separate yet parallel universes: one universe where the coin came up heads, one where it came up tails. Essentially, two worlds exactly alike save for the flip of a coin, and any differences that might arise thereafter. Assuming this theory can be applied to any action or event, then there exists the possibility that there is, at minimum, one universe in existence for every individual eventuality in existence, bar none."

The blank stares I received from most of the crew surprised me even less.

"Okay..." I sighed, rubbing the bridge of my nose in exasperation. "There's essentially infinite other worlds in existence, one world for every _possible_ possibility."

Luffy, still looking confused, raised his hand.

"Yes, Luffy, they're mystery worlds," I deadpanned.

Luffy's hand went down.

"Just as an example of one of these mystery worlds... imagine a world, completely different from this one... where a man named Eiichiro Oda wrote a comic book about an entirely _different_ world. A comic book he titled One Piece... about one pirate trying to become Pirate King."

Sanji's eyes widened, cigarette hanging limply from his lips. "You don't mean...!"

"Holy shit..." Nami breathed in shock.

"No way!" Usopp gaped at me.

"Uh... what's he talking about?" Luffy said, looking between his crewmates in confusion.

I briefly considered my answer before sighing wearily and ambling over to Luffy, planting my hand down on his shoulder. "It means, Luffy..." I said sadly. "That I know you were an absolute _moron_ when you were a kid. I mean, seriously, stabbing yourself below the eye in order to prove how much of a badass you are? That was..." I chuckled darkly as I shook my head. "That was really something..."

"Huh!?" Luffy exclaimed as he stared at me in shock. "How do you know about that!?"

"Because Mister Jeremiah's from another world..." Vivi breathed in awe. "A world where all your adventures were a story..."

I spread my arms wide and stepped back. "And I was a fan, dropped into your world without warning by a divine force well beyond human comprehension. I know... practically everything there is to know about this crew: from what happened to you all when you were young that made you who you are today to what's coming for us for some time to come. Minus a few blank spots like the Whiskey Peak-Little Garden run, but... yeah."

" **Waaait..."** Soundbite trailed off thoughtfully. " _So that_ THING _**I ATE**_ **that lets me** _HEAR THESE_ NOISES, _the songs,_ _ **the voices**_... _**THAT WAS-?"**_

"A piece of technology from my world, a communication device known as an iPhone," I explained matter-of-factly. "It was somehow modified by the same force that brought me here so that it would have infinite energy and would always be connected to the information network we had. What you're hearing is known as the world wide web, or the Internet, for short. Or, at least, you're hearing the audio of it anyways. Apparently tastefully edited so that you didn't realize exactly what it was until now."

I let out a heavy huff as I nervously looked over the crew, trying to accurately gauge their reactions. It was... in between, as far as I could tell. Nervous, worried...

I shook my head as I looked away sheepishly. "Look.. guys..."

"One second, Cross."

I blinked in confusion as Zoro interrupted me. "Uh...?"

"I've got a question for you," the swordsman stated.

"Uh..." I swallowed heavily as I tried to puzzle out what he could have wanted. "Yeah? Sure, what is it?"

Zoro slowly walked up to me and poked me in the chest. "A month ago, on the way to Whiskey Peak, you told me that we couldn't afford to spare any information, because it would risk jeopardizing the crew. What's so different between now and then? Why did I have to say something, but you didn't?"

I blinked as I processed the statement before making to answer. "Well, you see-!"

" _These two situations are entirely different."_ That's what I wanted to say, but I cut myself off when I realized... they really weren't, were they? Not when you got down to it...

"Ah... well..." I tried to start again. "T-the thing is..." " _Your information was critical!"_ But wasn't mine just as important?

"We... uh..." " _We would have been fine even if I didn't say anything."_ But that was the exact same case as Whiskey Peak.

"The... The difference is..." I trailed off slowly as I realized... that I just couldn't deny facts any longer. I _knew_ what the difference was. I knew it and there was nothing I could do about it.

I clenched my fists furiously as I looked down in shame. "The difference... the difference was..." I croaked out sadly. "Was that you... you trusted our crew... and I didn't..."

"Cross..." Nami started to speak up.

"It's true!" I cut her off harshly. "I-I _know_ you guys! Not just as characters in a story, but as my friends! As my _comrades!_ My allies! I-I should have _known_ you wouldn't be angry, or reject me, I should have _trusted_ you..." I looked down in shame. "...but I didn't. I _didn't_ trust you. I didn't trust you so much that I..."

And just like that, it was too much. I dropped to my knees, only just managing to catch myself on the deck. "I... I _lied_ to you..." I hiccuped, tears streaming down my face. "I lied... to your faces. I lied about where I was from, lied about what I knew... I lied _so much..._ "

Acting on impulse, I brought my head down, resting my forehead against the deck. "I know... that I don't deserve your forgiveness... and that nothing I do will _ever_ be able to make up for this... but nevertheless, I apologize. I am so, _so_ sorry, for everything I've said... for everything I've done... and I just want you to know that when I said I loved this crew... when I said that I loved all you guys... I... I meant it! Every word! So please!" I looked up desperately, fighting to keep myself from breaking down any further. "Don't... make me leave. Joining this crew has been the best thing that's ever happened to me. Do whatever you want, but please... let me stay a Straw Hat!"

For a minute, everything was silent, with everyone looking at each other with unreadable expressions.

Finally, Nami slowly walked up to me and knelt before me, looking me dead in the eyes. "Alright Cross, we'll let you stay on the crew..." she stated solemnly. "But first... you need to answer a few questions for us."

"Nami!" Luffy whined petulantly.

"Ah..." I hiccuped shallowly before swallowing and shaking my head. "D-Don't worry Luffy. I-I can edit what I say... I-I won't tell you anything big about how our adventures will turn out... if you don't want me to..."

Our captain pursed his lips thoughtfully for a moment before settling into a pout. "Yeah... alright..."

"Alright, then..." Nami laid a firm hand on my shoulder. "Cross, listen to me _very_ closely. I need to know..."

I held my breath tensely in anticipation.

"How rich are we going to get?"

...what.

" _What."_ I blurted aloud.

"You heard me, man!" Nami squealed as she grabbed my shoulders and forced me to look her dead in the eyes, eyes which were now flashing beri signs at full force. "How much rich are we going to be!? Gold? Jewels!? _Cash!?_ Come on, man, speak!"

"Uh..." I blinked in shock as I tried to process just what I was hearing.

"Oh!" Sanji blinked in apparent realization before hastily spinning up next to Nami. "And what about the beauties, Cross? Shirahoshi might forever be out of my reach by way of half-plus-seven, but surely there must be other women who I can grasp!"

"Oh for the love of..." Zoro scoffed with a roll of his eyes before flashing a bloodthirsty grin. "Ah screw it. Hey, Cross, there're gonna be more fights in the future, I know that much. They'll be good ones, right? Ones that push us straight to the brink and back?"

"I... I, ah..."

"Me next! Me next!" Usopp waved his hand in the air eagerly. "What kind of brave feats will I pull off? Am I going to prove that I'm a brave warrior of the seas?"

"Uh... what are you guys...?" Chopper blinked around in confusion until Usopp leaned down and whispered something in his ear. "Oh... Oh! Ah... in that case... I-! I, uh..." Chopper racked his brain in confusion before sticking his tongue out sheepishly. "I... can't actually think of a question. Sorry?"

Vivi made to say something as well...

"Hey!" Luffy suddenly bellowed. "No more questions! After these, Cross only says anything if it's really, _really_ important, and not before that!"

Before she bit her lip and looked away in disappointment.

I blinked in confusion as I looked at my crewmates. "Ah... w-wait... hold on a second, what..."

"Well?" Nami interrupted me with a smile. "Come on! I asked you a question! You're gonna answer, right? _Pleeeease!"_

I stared at the navigator in incomprehension for a second... before jerking as I realized just what the hell she was saying. What they were _all_ saying.

I came _this_ close to breaking into tears as I stared at them all. Nothing. Despite everything I'd said... everything I'd done... _nothing_ had changed. Absolutely _nothing_ at all. It was... I knew these guys were great, but this... this was...

A slight nudging against my neck prompted me to look down at Soundbite. He looked me over contemplatively for a second before grinning from eyestalk to eyestalk. " _WELL, WHAT ARE WE WAITING FOR!?"_ he demanded eagerly.

I huffed heavily before shaking my head and sucking it up, matching his grin as widely as I could. "Nothing... nothing at all... Let's get to it!"

And so I did.

Without missing so much as a beat, I stood up and swung my arm around Nami's. "Nami, Nami, Nami..." I sighed dramatically as I shook my head sadly. "Your words, they _wound_ me more than you can imagine. For you see... we will not be rich."

I could practically _hear_ Nami's heart break, her eyes filling to the brim with tears.

"No..." I continued confidently, my grin widening as I got back into the swing of things. "We will be _beyond_ rich."

And just like that, Nami was back to ecstatic.

"In fact, we will be beyond even 'more than just rich'. With your fiscal knowledge and my insight, we are going to be filthy, stinking, down and out _dirty_ _loaded."_

Nami _shuddered_ with pleasure, drool trailing down from the corner of her mouth as she giggled maniacally.

"We are going to be _so_ loaded, that we will make nobles look like peasants! People's jaws will _literally_ drop in sheer _awe_ at the splendor of our wealth!"

Nami shuddered even harder, her eyes glazing over in sheer joy.

"To put it simply, well... tell me: how does the image of Merry's hold filled to bursting with solid, 24 karat gold sound?"

" _Oooooh!"_

I blinked in confusion as Nami suddenly shuddered from head to toe and moaned euphorically.

I then reeled back as realization hit me head on. "Uh... Nami... did... you just-!?"

" _Yessss..."_ Nami drooled blissfully.

I shuddered uncomfortably as I did my best to wipe myself off. "Ooookay..."

"MOVING ON!" Soundbite prompted hastily.

"RIGHT!" I yelped as I swung over to Sanji. "Sanji, my friend! I'll be honest with you! Times, they will be tough. You will have to endure rejection, your will will be pushed to the utmost limits... in short..." I held my fist up and shook my head sadly. "You will have to traverse through the deepest, darkest depths of hell itself."

Sanji shuddered heavily but then shot a hopeful look at me. "I'm not imagining the 'but' I'm hearing, am I?"

I nodded as I clamped my hand down on his shoulder. "But! So long as you persist and hold firm, then I swear to you, I _swear..."_ I gave him a firm nod. "You will reach paradise, my friend. It is out there! You must strive for it with all your soul, _but it awaits you!_ Will you reach for it?"

"HELL YEAH!" Sanji roared, the fires of his heart and soul blazing around him.

I then moved on to Zoro, nodding at him in apology. "Zoro. To start with, sorry again about Whiskey Peak. I won't push you like that again, I promise. We square?"

Zoro scoffed and waved his hand dismissively. "Please. I let the witch off the hook-" He pointedly ignored the barrel that bounced off his skull, as well as the screech of 'FUCK YOU!' that accompanied it. "-what the hell makes you think I can't do the same here?" He then shot me a smile to make the devil himself shiver. "Though your training _is_ going to be straight from the depths of hell from now on, that you can count on."

I squeaked fearfully at the evil expression he was wearing, doing my best to clamp down on my bladder. "Fights. Lots of fights, good fights!"

" _NEXT!"_ Soundbite hissed furiously.

"Agreed!" I nodded in agreement as I wheeled around and marched towards Usopp.

"Don't worry, I finished what you asked me for before you got sick," the sniper reassured me.

I shuddered nervously as I felt Zoro's eyes boring into my back. "Somehow that doesn't reassure me..." I hastily shook my head and got back my nerve before smiling kindly. "Anyways... look, I won't play it up with you: you're always going to be the weakest member of the Straw Hat Pirates, and that's a fact."

"Oh..." Usopp sagged sadly.

"Hey hey hey!" I cut in as I grabbed his shoulders and forced him upright. "What's with the downer reaction, buddy? I just said you were going to be the weakest of the _crew!_ Now, that might be an insult or something on other crews, sure, but let me remind you: we are the Straw Hat Pirates! By nature, we are head and _shoulders_ above everyone else on the ocean! Hence, even if you _are_ the weakest among us, well..." I chuckled confidently. "Let me put it this way: you will more than _earn_ two titles in the future: Sniper King... and _God."_

Usopp blinked at me in awe. "...seriously?"

I nodded firmly as I patted him on the back. "Weakest or strongest, it doesn't matter. End of the day, you're a Straw Hat Pirate and a brave warrior of the sea, and a world-class sniper besides. Take pride in that, no matter what anyone says. Alright?"

Usopp stared at me in shock for a second... before throwing his arms up joyously. "WOOHOO!" he whooped, doing some sort of… dance?.

Chuckling as Usopp joined Sanji and Nami in celebrating, I moved onto Chopper, kneeling before him with a kind smile. "Hey Chopper," I said softly. "How's it hanging?"

"Uh..." Chopper smiled uncertainly. "I'm... fine? Really! This is... a bit weird, but, uh..." He trailed off uncertainly.

"Hey, listen..." I gently patted him on top of his hat. "I just want you to know... even if I hadn't involved myself, Luffy would _still_ have asked you to join the crew. All I did was make things easier, nothing more and nothing less. No matter what... you _belong_ on this crew, and don't you doubt it for a second, alright?"

Chopper blinked at me in shock before immediately resorting to his default reaction as he started twisting around joyously. "Y-You can't make me happy just with a few words you bastard!" he laughed happily. "I-I'm not happy at all, you ass! Not a bit, not even a little bit!"

"LIAR LIAR, _fur_ **on fire!"** Soundbite cackled.

"Yeah yeah, whatever," I scoffed, rolling my eyes as I flicked Soundbite's shell and stood up. "Now go on and have fun. Oh, and try the chopstick thing. I don't think I can manage it, but it looks fun!"

"Okay!" the reindeer nodded as he joined the rest of the crew.

Once he was gone, and I'd confirmed that Luffy wasn't looking my way, I slid up next to Vivi, who'd been uncomfortably standing on the sidelines the whole time. "Sorry about Whiskey Peak, " I whispered under my breath. "I needed to get you to break character somehow, or else..."

Vivi glanced at me for a second before smiling warmly. "It's fine, Cross. You did what you had to do, and... well, if you hadn't, then I'd probably be dead. So... thank you, Cross. For everything." Her smile fell slightly as she glanced towards Luffy. "Listen... Cross, I know that Luffy said-"

"It's going to be hard," I interrupted her. "The fight for Alabasta is going to be long, it's going to be hard, sometimes it'll even appear impossible, and you can bet your bottom beri that it's going to be bloody, but in the end, well..." I jerked my head towards Luffy. "You just need to believe that we'll pull through. It's... as simple as that. Alright?"

Vivi's smile widened and she nodded gratefully. "Thank you, Cross. That... that means more to me than you can possibly imagine."

I nodded in agreement. "No problem, Vivi. No problem at all. Now if you'll excuse me..." I started to walk towards Luffy. "I've got one last statement to make. Hey, Captain!"

Luffy blinked at me in confusion. "Huh? What is it, Cross?"

"I know you didn't ask anything... but I just want to say two things!" I emphasized the point with two fingers. "Now mind you, one of these two things was confirmed by the story, but I have believed in _both_ without a doubt in my mind for as long as I've known them. You mind if I say them?"

Luffy tilted his head in thought for a moment before grinning from ear to ear. "Go for it, Cross!"

"Well then, in that case..." I crossed my arms and bowed my head solemnly. "First and foremost, allow me to say this: One Piece exists!"

And just like that, all movement on deck froze as everyone stared at me in surprise and awe.

"Now!" I held up my finger hastily. "Whether it's waiting for us on Raftel or at the center of the planet or somewhere else entirely, I don't have the foggiest, but either way, I believe with all my heart that it's _somewhere_ out there, waiting for us to find it!"

I popped my second finger up. "Which leads me straight to my _second_ statement!" I looked Luffy dead in the eye as I grinned as widely and confidently as I could manage. "We _will_ find One Piece, and you _will_ be the King of the Pirates! I'll admit that before I met you, I only _knew_ that you would do it as a fact, but after I met you... after I met you, I believed it. I believed it with all my heart and soul. I believe it now, and I will until the day I die!" I nodded firmly. "And that's a legitimate _fact."_

Luffy blinked at me in numb shock for a minute... before grinning as wide as he could possibly manage, _literally_ vibrating with excitement. " _Now_ can we celebrate!?" he squealed impatiently.

I exchanged exasperated looks with Nami and Zoro for a second before spreading my arms wide. "Ladies and gentlemen... I have only one word for you all!"

"And that word would be?" Luffy asked eagerly.

I opened my mouth... and Soundbite belted it out before I could start.

" _ **KANPAI!"**_ he roared.

I glared at Soundbite in exasperation for a second before sighing and shrugging with a grin. "You heard the snail! _Let's get brick faced!"_

And with that, the Merry roared into a full-blown celebration, our party lasting straight on through the night.

It couldn't last forever, but for the time being... we were happy and we were at peace. And that... made _everything_ up until that point worth it.


	15. Chapter 15

### Chapter 15: Train Like Hell! Saving Face In The Face Of Okamas!

### Chapter Text

THWACK!

" _GAH!"_ I grunted as I was bodily flung back into the Merry's railing. "Son of a..." I groaned as I made massage my aching back before hastily flinging my hands up in surrender. "Okay, okay, I give! Christ on a pikestaff, the purpose of this exercise is to train me, _not freaking break me!"_

"Some people might consider those two objectives to be one and the same," Zoro grinned as he advanced on me menacingly, his (thankfully, _blessedly_ ) sheathed blades held at his sides. "I just so happen to be one of those people."

" _I beg to differ!"_ I squawked desperately as I scrambled to wrench myself up to my feet.

"WOO! _Go_ **Zoro!** _**RIP HIS PUNY HEAD OFF!"**_

"SHOVE IT, SOUNDBITE!" I roared at the Baby Transponder Snail that was resting on a nearby barrel. "I don't see _you_ going through these exercises! Or _any_ exercise for that matter!" My expression turned thoughtful, and then predatory as a thought occurred to me. "Let's see about changing that."

The beads of sweat that immediately popped up on Soundbite's shell were quite gratifying.

"Hey, Zoro, do you mind if we call it a day?" I said to the swordsman. "I'd like to talk Devil Fruit theory with Luffy and Chopper."

Zoro's snort caused Soundbite to breath a sigh of relief. "You're not gonna get out of this that easily, Cross."

"The hell he isn't!"

I sagged in relief as our latest crewmate interposed himself between me and my 'teacher'. "Cross's flesh might have been fully adapted thanks to both his diet and Doctorine's medicine," Chopper lectured firmly. "But his skeletal structure is another matter entirely! If you push him much further, then you're liable to _really_ break him!"

"And if what Chopper's been saying is right, that means at least another month before you can go back to tormenting him!" Usopp added gleefully from where he was tinkering on the deck.

"He's right, he's right!" I nodded frantically as I jabbed my finger at Chopper. "One month, that's how long it takes for soft, squishy, _me-like_ humans to heal bone-breaks! You wouldn't want that to happen, would you?"

Zoro hummed slightly as he considered the facts. "Hey Chopper... when bones heal, the break becomes tougher, doesn't it?"

Somehow, both a red hue of rage and a blue hue of horror shined through Chopper's fur as he grimaced at the swordsman. "There are _so_ many things wrong with what you're thinking, I don't even _know_ where to start."

"I'd like to reiterate my intense desire to _not_ get snapped like a twig!" I piped up frantically.

Zoro ground his teeth in aggravation for a moment before snorting and re-sheathing his swords in his haramaki. "Tch, wimp. Fine, take a break. I'll just come at you harder in a few hours, both in our spars _and_ in exercise."

I allowed myself to collapse to the deck in relief. "Oh thank you sweet merciful heaven..." I wheezed, my fatigue _finally_ hitting me head-on.

"Wimp," Zoro repeated, rolling his eyes as he picked up one of his _stupidly_ huge weights and started on his own, _complete_ inhuman routine.

"Jackass..." I growled back, making to sit up before a firm hoof was pressed into my shoulder.

"No moving until I've given you a once-over," Chopper ordered firmly before directing his attention to my arms. "Now help me get these things off of you."

"Oh, yeah..." Usopp mused as he eyed me curiously. "I've been meaning to ask: how're they treating you, anyways?"

I followed the pair's gazes and allowed myself a confident smirk as I caught sight of what he was addressing: affixed upon my forearms were a pair of metal gauntlets that incorporated vambraces and couters, essentially twin masses of metal that reached up my arms until they enclosed my elbows. Furthermore, I had another pair of armor pieces affixed to my lower legs: greaves with sabatons and poleyns attached, designed to fully protect my feet, shins and knees from most damage.

"I'd say they're working pretty well, Usopp." I nodded confidently as I rolled my shoulder and flexed my fingers. It was quite impressive: while the armor _did_ weigh a fair bit, it wasn't enough to be a problem, and more importantly was flexible enough at the joints to impair not my full mobility. "You _really_ managed to outdo yourself."

"Hmph!" Usopp sniffed confidently with a grin of pride. "Of course I did! I constantly continue to surprise all around myself with my impressive skills, even me!"

"Okay, tone it down a bit, DiCaprio," I drawled, rolling my eyes with a chuckle.

Usopp blinked owlishly. "Who?"

" _Gentlemen, you had my curiosity, but now you have my attention,"_ Soundbite drawled back in a southern accent before breaking down into giggles. "GREAT _actor,_ **very DRAMATIC!"**

"Oh bi- _grgh you little-!"_ the sniper snarled furiously.

"Heh, yeah, hard to get used to not saying it, isn't it?" I chuckled as I scratched the back of my head.

"Hey, watch it!" Chopper hollered as he snatched my arm back. "No moving until I'm done! Now let me... ergh... just..." Chopper struggled fruitlessly at wrenching my gauntlet off before grinning at me sheepishly. "A little help?"

"Umm... yeah, one second..." I slowly moved my other arm and fiddled with the armor covering my elbow, flipping open a hidden panel and twisting the metal _just_ so. As a result, a series of clicks came from the armor, and the second-skin of metal I was wearing flexed outwards at the seams, allowing me to slide my arm out. "It's about the same around my knees, too."

"Seems complicated..." Chopper muttered as he looked my hand over.

"Thank you!" Usopp preened.

"The harder it is for people to get my armor off, the less likely it is my enemies will get it off should I be incapacitated," I explained matter-of-factly. "Besides, I can take it off without help, so it's not _that_ complicated."

"Well, if you say so..." Chopper hummed as he prodded my arm, drawing a wince of pain from me.

"Watch it!" I demanded.

"Hmm..." the young doctor nodded definitively. "Well, it looks like you're pretty intact, all things considered. You have a few minor stress fractures in your radius and ulna, as I suspected, and I expect your tibia and fibula will be in about the same condition. Still, I guess it could be worse. So long as you don't stress them too much for awhile, you should be healed in a few hours."

I blinked in surprise as I flexed my fingers contemplatively. "Wait... seriously? You're going to let me off with simple fractures without doing anything?"

"Huh?" Chopper blinked in confusion. "Yeah, of course. Fractures are dangerous if they're aggravated too seriously, but so long as they don't develop into full-blown breaks, you should be fine." He cocked his eyebrow in confusion. "Why? How serious are they normally for you?"

"Umm..." I wiggled my fingers contemplatively. "I... I'm pretty sure that they'd have me decked out in casts back home."

"Seriously!?" Chopper squawked in disbelief. "B-but I'd expect that kind of a healing rate from someone with an immune deficiency! Or some kind of brittle-bone disease!" The young doctor started looking me over analytically. "Actually... now that I think about it... maybe _that_ explains why your body was so weak when I was helping Doctorine treat you... auto-immune diseases and other afflictions laid so deep into your species' bloodlines that they've become the norm, maybe?"

I felt a chill run down my spine as I noticed the _very_ disturbing shine in Chopper's eyes. "Yeah... maybe..." I hedged as I tried to remove my arm from Chopper's hooves. An endeavor I was forced to redouble as he clutched my limb in a deathgrip. "Hey, here's a thought: let's _not_ dissect me for the answers and say that we did, alright?"

"H-huh?" Chopper blinked before starting as I finally managed to wrench my arm free. "O-oh, _oh!_ Right, s-sorry about that, heheh..."

"Yeah..." I trailed off as I eyed the reindeer warily. "Anyways... overall prognosis?"

"Well..." Chopper rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "Your new fighting style is very taxing on your body, but that might just be Zoro putting more punishment on you than any normal person would go through. I'm fairly certain that with your body's rate of adaptation, you should be fine in a matter of days. But seriously, for now, _don't_ push yourself too far. Fractures aren't too serious, but if the bones break, then you _will_ need casts to keep your bones in place."

"Got it, thanks," I nodded firmly. "It's nice to know that I won't be literally battering my body to pieces."

"Yeah, about that..." Zoro huffed as he swung his weights back and forth. "Are you _really_ sure that's how you want to fight? Brawling, despite being weaker than pretty much everyone around? Why not use an _actual_ weapon, like a gun or something?"

"Because!" I jabbed my finger at him. "Guns need time, training and discipline to learn how to properly handle them, and if they're mishandled, then they're as much a danger to the wielder as they are to the wielder's enemies. The same can be said of any other weapon, and neither time nor discipline is available to master them. Brawling is different in that it's easy and immediate and anybody can learn it. The basic idea is simple enough: hit the enemy, don't let them hit you, and use every last dirty trick in the book you can muster. These," I held up my gauntlet for him to see. "Are designed to give me an advantage, so as to counter my disadvantage."

It wasn't a perfect solution, I knew that, but it was the best one I had available to me. I couldn't swing a sword in a way that wasn't an embarrassment to the weapon, I couldn't shoot a gun well enough to hit the broad side of a barn, and I couldn't wield any other weapon worth a damn. But if there was one thing I knew, without a doubt, that I could do, then it was throw a punch. And heck, even if my punches were weak, then at least I could compensate by fighting dirtier than a hog in a mud pit. The armor was just there so that whatever I pulled, it would be certain to _stick._

"Besides," I continued with an indifferent shrug. "In the end, this is all meant as a last resort. With Soundbite's powers and my brains, the only way I'll get into a fight is if something goes seriously wrong. Better to have it and not need it than need it and not have it, right?"

"Hmph..." Zoro snorted dismissively. "Well, you're not the strongest fighter, that's for sure, but you're definitely better than some people I've seen. You should be up to speed by the time we reach Alabasta."

"Glad to hear it..." I sighed in relief.

"Now then..." The swordsman cast a glare at me. "I thought you were going to talk about Devil Fruit powers, or was that just an excuse to squirm out of training?"

I shivered heavily at the implications before snapping a look at Soundbite. "Get Luffy up here, _now!"_

Soundbite chuckled as he produced an electronic whine...

WHAM! "AND STAY OUT YOU RUBBERY BASTARD!"

Before immediately cutting himself off as Luffy was launched straight out of the Merry's kitchen - er, galley - and almost overboard, only just managing to catch himself on the Merry's figurehead at the last moment.

"Wow, Sanji's pissed!" Luffy laughed. "Oh, and I'm alive! That's nice! So, whatcha guys doin'?"

I blinked numbly as I tried to process Luffy's motormouth before finally smiling back. "I was just about to call you. I wanted to talk with you, Chopper and Soundbite about your Devil Fruits. And don't worry!" I hastily raised my hands when Luffy grimaced sourly. "I'm not gonna give you any spoilers, I swear. I just... want to set you guys on the right path to making yourselves stronger, alright?"

Luffy mulled the statement over fretfully for a moment before shrugging indifferently. "Eh, fair enough. Just be careful."

"Alright then..." I nodded slowly as I considered my words before looking between the three Devil Fruit users present. "Okay, here's what I want to know: out of the three of you present, which of you do you think is getting the _most_ they possibly can out of their Devil Fruit?"

Luffy, Chopper and Soundbite blinked in confusion. "Huh?" they chorused.

"You heard me," I said. "Who's exploiting their Devil Fruit to the fullest, using and pushing their powers to the utmost limits?"

The trio glanced at one another in confusion before tilting their heads thoughtfully.

"WEEELL..." Soundbite mused. " _Not to toot my own horn,_ **but I think** _THAT'S ME!"_

"I... think Soundbite might be right," Chopper nodded hesitantly. "I mean, translating for animals, speaking himself, and all that despite originally being an animal. No offense Luffy, but that sounds more like what Cross is talking about to me."

"Yeah, what he said," Luffy nodded in agreement as he pointed at Chopper. "I use my powers to help my strength, that's all. Soundbite's a lot better with his."

"Hmm... interesting answers..." I nodded before crossing my arms in front of me. "But also wrong!"

" _ **WHAT!?"**_ Soundbite hollered in disbelief.

"Seriously?" Luffy blinked in surprise.

"T-then who-?" Chopper asked in confusion.

"That's easy!" I grinned at the reindeer. "You!"

"M-ME!?" Chopper squawked in disbelief.

" _Him!?"_ Luffy and Soundbite chorused.

"B-b-but Cross!" Chopper flailed frantically. "I-I don't exploit my powers _at all!_ I-in fact, I _can't!_ I mean, I'm a _Zoan!_ Our powers are hard-lined, we can only trans...form... into..." the doctor slowly trailed off as his eyes widened in realization.

" _Most_ Zoans can only transform into three different forms, yes," I nodded slowly in agreement. "But you, Chopper, managed to _break_ that rule. You exploited your powers from the second you created the Rumble Balls because you found a way to _delineate them._ Let me ask you all a question." I glanced at everyone present. "Do you know what's the most dangerous part of a Devil Fruit user, what it is that makes them so much more dangerous? _Beyond_ dangerous even?"

"Uhh... their powers?" Usopp posed, though he obviously wasn't confident in his answer.

"Powers, duh!" Luffy concurred.

" **DITTO!"** Soundbite nodded in agreement.

"Um..." Chopper tapped his chin thoughtfully before raising his hoof. "The variety of powers available?"

"The user," Zoro huffed absent-mindedly with a swing of his weights.

I pointed at the swordsman. "The swordsman is the closest. In my opinion, the most dangerous part of a Devil Fruit is the rules of their powers."

"Huh?" Luffy blinked in confusion. "I didn't know that Devil Fruit powers have rules!"

"That's the thing!" I waved my arms and nodded in agreement. " _So few powers do!_ Many many _many_ Devil Fruit powers _have no rules_ on them, no restrictions on how they work, no _limits._ They can be exploited any number of ways, and no one and nothing can say otherwise. It all depends on how the _user_ thinks of how to exploit them. From there, the _only_ limit is that what the user tries to achieve is within the bounds of his powers, and even then what they achieve can only be tangentially related to their... powers..."

I trailed off as I caught sight of the dumbfounded and confused looks the others were giving me. "Alright..." I sighed as I kneaded the bridge of my nose. "Let me give you an example. Imagine a fruit known as the Blind Blind Fruit. When somebody eats it, they become a Blind person, capable of stealing a sense from anybody with a single touch. Tell me: what senses could that person steal?"

"Um..." Usopp started counting down on his fingers. "Taste, touch, smell, hearing and sight. Right?"

"That's all? Really?" I tilted my head innocently.

"Uh... yeah?"

I was silent as I just stared at Usopp, seconds ticking by.

Finally, Usopp broke the silence. "Uh, Cross?"

"How long was I silent, Usopp?" I asked him.

"Huh? Uh... ten, twelve seconds I think? Why? What does that-?"

"Sounds like your sense of time is right on track," I interrupted him.

"H-huh? Yeah, I guess it is, so wha-!" Usopp cut himself off as a look of realization and horror swept over his face. "W-wait, you can't mean-!"

Before Usopp could finish speaking, I reached over to Chopper and flicked his nose.

"OW!" the young reindeer yelped, clamping his hooves down on his muzzle. "WATCH IT!"

"And it would appear that Chopper's sense of pain is working pretty well," I mused.

Chopper immediately froze. "No way... you can't mean-!"

"Hey Zoro, which way do you think is north?" I didn't give the swordsman the time to respond. "Never mind, I forgot that your sense of direction isn't exactly the best."

Zoro was too busy looking green with horror to respond.

I spread my arms wide as I started to pace around the forecastle. "Sense of pain, sense of hunger, sense of balance, sense of proprioception - aka _hand-eye coordination -_ sense of fashion... and what of your sense of morality? Your sense of _thought?_ Of self? Of _independence?"_ I looked at them all slowly. "Can you imagine the consequences of losing a single one? For so much as a moment?"

The silence was absolutely deafening.

I shook my head firmly. "Devil Fruits give powers based around a word. From there, their users can exploit that word to the utmost, pushing it to its limit, and finding copious ways to exploit them. The stupid and ineffective users, they'd do like Usopp did: they'd focus on the _obvious_ effect, the _obvious_ usage of their powers. Now, that might cut it for users out in the Blue Seas... but the ones here, here in the Grand Line?" I jabbed my finger out to sea. "They're the dangerous ones. The strong ones. The _smart_ ones. They're the ones who embrace _every_ aspect of their words and use them to the utmost. They take the words 'paw', 'string', 'love' and 'sand'..." I looked Luffy dead in the eye. "And they use those words to maintain their positions as _Warlords."_

Luffy swallowed heavily, but, thankfully enough, he didn't get angry.

I nodded slowly before looking between our resident Devil Fruit users. "If we want to survive on this sea... if we want to make it through our upcoming battles alive... then you guys have only one option: _jailbreak_ your powers. Exploit them to the utmost, and use them in ways that surpass the logical. Beyond mere stretching, beyond mere creative usage of ventriloquism. Beyond even transcending the form-limit. Either you go higher and farther than most could... or the journey ahead will be that much more painful. Got it?"

I winced slightly as the guys nodded morosely.

"Look, sorry for getting all depressing like that, but the fact is that these things _are_ serious. I just don't want our asses to get kicked any harder than they need to be. And besides, you don't need to come up with anything _now,_ just... think about it, alright?"

For a moment, there was silence aside from the wind, waves, and the creaking of the ship. And then Soundbite spoke up.

"I HAVE _an idea._ "

I snapped my gaze over to where he was sitting in disbelief. "Ex _-cuse me?"_

Soundbite rolled his eyes in exasperation before repeating himself. " _ **I.**_ HAVE. _AN IDEA!"_

"Oh, that's cool," Luffy nodded obliviously.

"Why does that not fill me with confidence?" Usopp groaned to himself.

Chopper's reaction, meanwhile...

"What is it, what is it?" he squealed eagerly, stars glimmering in his eyes.

Soundbite's response was to grin eagerly at me. " _ **I'LL SHOW YOU!**_ PICK ME _UP! We're fighting_ **ZORO** **again!"**

"EXCUSE ME!?" I yelped again in disbelief.

"Sounds good to me," Zoro grinned menacingly as he set his weights back down, drawing Kitetsu III and Yubashiri from his side. "Armor up, Cross. Or don't, I could care less."

Moving fast, I hastily snatched up my loose gauntlet and shoved my arm back in, twisting it _just_ so and causing it all to snap back into place. I then made to pick up Soundbite, but hesitated as I did so. "You sure about this?"

Soundbite nodded firmly. "I'M NOT _SITTING ON_ _ **THE SIDELINES! Let's get ready to rumble!"**_

"Well, if you say so..." I sighed as I picked him up and placed him on my shoulder before turning to face Zoro.

"GREAT! _Now put on_ **your headphones!"**

I looked at Soundbite in disbelief. "At risk of wearing the words out, _excuse me?"_

" **JUST DO IT!"** Soundbite barked.

I grumbled darkly for a second before conceding and sliding the devices over my ears. I then blinked in confusion as music started filtering through them before casting a look at Soundbite. "I _really_ doubt that a theme music power-up will work, and even if it _did,_ I'm _pretty_ sure that there are better choices then 'Panic! At The Disco'."

"SHUT UP _and fight!"_ Soundbite snarled over the music.

Rolling my eyes in exasperation, I held up my fists and nodded at Zoro.

The swordsman grinned and started to come at me, but just as he started to set his foot forwards, he stopped and blinked in confusion, apparently tilting his head to listen to _something._ Whatever it was, I couldn't hear it on account of Soundbite drowning it out. In the end, if the glare he gave Soundbite was anything to go by, he blamed the snail for it, ultimately dismissing it and continuing to stalk forwards.

I frowned. Whatever Soundbite was doing, it didn't seem to be having much of an—OHSHITDUCK!

I just barely managed to duck under the aggravatingly lazy swing Zoro sent my way. Or at least, a swing that _looked_ like it was lazy. I'd fallen for that trick before, and he'd almost snapped my arm for it.

Still, making use of the angle of my dodge, I lunged forwards at the swordsman, swinging my fist up at his face. I winced as he blocked the blow with Kitetsu's sheath, but I hastily rallied by trying to grab the cover and launch my knee into his side.

_SLAM!_

I wheezed in pain as Yubashiri's sheath came out of nowhere and rammed into my side. My breath whooshed out of me, and I could feel my ribs creak under the lacquered wood. Nevertheless, I fought through the pain and lunged forwards at the swordsman, grabbing his collar with my free hand and launching my forehead forwards. It was an act of desperation, but-!

CRUNCH!

I blinked in equal parts pain and shock as I felt my head make contact. _I'd actually managed to headbutt him!?_

Stumbling back from Zoro as I rubbed my throbbing skull, I took in the display in disbelief. Indeed, the swordsman was clutching his nose in pain, grimacing as blood flowed around his fingers.

How the _hell_ had I managed to do _that!?_ I hadn't even managed to lay so much as a finger on him before, so what the hell was the difference now!?

I had no time to think about that as Zoro lurched forward. Yes, lurched. Had it been anyone else I'd have assumed he'd been hitting the grog before this fight, but his inhuman alcohol tolerance made it unlikely. Still, as unsteady as he was, his steady advance, punctuated by a series of jabs from his sheathed swords, was almost more than I could handle. In fact, it _was_ more than I could handle: I took hits to the sternum, right shoulder, and left thigh before he stumbled on apparently nothing and fell to his knees.

I frowned as he struggled to get to his feet, then grinned. Well, whatever was going on, Zoro couldn't do much unable to stand. I stepped forward, swinging my leg to give him a nice kick to the head and-

Wait, when did the deck and the sky switch places?

...oh shi-

SLAM!

"...ow..." I wheezed miserably as I lay upside down on the deck, my ass hanging heavy over my head. I winced as I slowly worked my headphones off of my aching ears. "Well _that_ didn't work..."

" _User error,_ **not my fault!"** Soundbite defended hastily from within his shell.

"What the _hell_ did your damn snail do anyways?!" Zoro snarled as he leaned against the nearest railing he could grab, shaking his head tiredly. "Ergh, haven't felt this way since my last hangover..."

"Yea- _woah!"_ I cursed vehemently as I righted myself, coming way too close to tumbling for answers. "What _did_ you-?"

"Ooooorgh..."

"Huh?" I blinked in confusion as I turned my head to look at the rest of my crewmates, and was greeted with the sight of all three of them draping themselves over the side of the ship, their expressions characteristic of extreme nausea.

"That sucked..." Luffy moaned.

"I don't feel too good..." Chopper concurred.

"The heck's wrong with you guys?" I asked in confusion.

"No clue..." Usopp groaned as he clutched his head. "The second the fight started, Soundbite started making a racket of laughter and screams and music and... I don't even _know_ what I was hearing. All that matters is after a few seconds, my head started ringing and I wasn't able to stand up anymore... eurgh, what did you _do_ to us!?" The last part was directed at Soundbite.

The snail in question poked his head out of his shell with a wide, toothy grin plastered across his face. "I GOT _creative!"_

I frowned as I tried to work out what he was talking about. Alright, so that brouhaha Usopp described was most likely what got Zoro's attention when the fight started, but how could a lot of noise _possibly_ lead to dizziness and disorientation?

Unless...

"Unless it _didn't..."_ I breathed in realization before looking at Soundbite. "That mess of noise, that didn't make them dizzy, it was covering up what really _was_ , wasn't it?" I couldn't help but grin enthusiastically as I grasped the full scale of what Soundbite had just done. "You tickled their inner ears, _didn't you?"_

Soundbite nodded eagerly in agreement. " **Yup!** _ **CHECK IT!"**_ And with that, he proceeded to shut his mouth and start vibrating slightly, a _slight_ hum shaking the air. " _SUBSONIC VIBRATIONS! It's not easy,_ BUT IT WORKS!" he explained in a slightly shaky voice.

"Wow..." I whistled in awe. "So basically, you disorientate enemies and make it easier for _me_ to take them down. Brilliant..." I then brought my hand up to my headphones as I realized something. "But uncontrolled. _That's_ why you had me listening to music, to drown out the vibrations. You hit Zoro, sure, but you also hit the guys as collateral. Bit dangerous, don't you think? We won't be able to use this when we're fighting with the others."

"IF WE'RE FIGHTING _alone,_ **then someone FUCKED UP,"** Soundbite retorted.

I paused as I considered the statement before nodding slowly in agreement. "That's... actually a good point."

"Yeah well, even if it is," Zoro grunted as he shook his head a final time and seemed to reclaim his balance at last. "It's not going to get you out of exercising. Fifty pushups, now."

"Yes sir..." I groaned as I laid down on the deck.

"EIN _ZWEI-!"_

"Oh, you're not getting off that easy!" I snarled at Soundbite. "You're going to be practicing that move off the bow until you can _control_ it, got it?"

Soundbite's cocky expression immediately died, _hard._ " **JACKASS!"**

"Hey, free rides don't last forever, you know!" I scoffed as I slapped him down on the railing. "Now start working on the move!"

The snail growled and ground his teeth for a moment before turning around and staring off over the sea. A slight rippling in the waves was the only sign apparent to me that _anything_ was going on.

"Oh yeah, by the way!" Luffy cut in with a grin, looking noticeably less green. "What're you gonna call that move anyways?"

"Huh?" Soundbite and I chorused as we looked at Luffy in confusion.

"Oh, yeah!" Usopp perked up in agreement. "I've been meaning to ask that, too, what _are_ you guys going to call your attacks?"

"The heck are you-?" I blinked as I realized what they were talking about. "Oh... oh! Ah..." I trailed off slightly as I thought things over. "I... I've never really thought about it. I mean, really." I shrugged indifferently. "It's not _that_ important, is it?"

"It really is!" Luffy nodded firmly.

"I'm surprised you even have to ask!" Usopp concurred.

"They're right!" Chopper piped up.

"And why the _heck_ would it possibly be that important!?" I asked incredulously. Seriously, I knew that it sounded and _looked_ cool when it was in entertainment, but in actual practice? It did _not_ make a lot of sense. Well, sense meant absolutely jack in One Piece, to be sure, but still!

"Helps you concentrate," Zoro grunted as he got back into his weight-reps. "Puts your all into your moves, helps to keep you in the zone."

"And it sounds cool!" Luffy added.

"And it sounds cool," Zoro nodded reluctantly in agreement.

I opened my mouth... then shut it with a groan as I realized that there was no chance in the six and a half levels of hell of talking them out of this charade. "Alright... might as well keep it simple. Noise-Noise... something?"

"NO WAY!" Soundbite barked. " _I'm low_ **but not THAT LOW!"**

"Ergh..." I thunked my head against the floorboards. "Damn picky son of a—no, wait, that implies you were born and not spawned from the depths of hell." I continued with my pushups as I wracked my brains for a suitable name. "I don't know... something along the lines of babble? Prattle? Blather? Maybe in conjunction with the word pest or nuisance?"

"HA HA HA. _I almost_ **forgot** _TO LAUGH,"_ my partner-in-crime intoned.

"Alright lovebirds, less arguing, more exercising. We can work this out later," Zoro ordered.

"Yes sir..." we chorused reluctantly before returning to work.

Without anything further to entertain them, the rest of the guys slowly trickled away; Usopp wandered off to continue his work in the kitchen, Luffy swung his way around the ship at his leisure, and Chopper popped in and out periodically to check up on the both of us, griping about us overexerting ourselves but not much else.

My next pertinent meeting was about an hour later as I was doing curl-ups with my arms tied behind my back and my legs tied to the deck. Against my will, of course, but since when had something like protesting ever stopped Zoro?

"Hey Cross, do you have a second?"

I gave Nami a flat look as I jerked my head at my binds. "I obviously don't have anywhere to be, that's for damn sure." I promptly winced as I heard my tone of voice. "I'm sorry, you didn't deserve that, I just feel like I went ten rounds in a ring with a gorilla is all. What do you need?"

Nami bit her lip hesitantly as she visibly fought with herself before speaking. "It's... I'm going to go out on a limb and say you know about a conversation I had with Usopp awhile back, right?"

"You wanted him to make you a new weapon, right," I nodded in agreement. I racked my brain for what I could recall of that particular flashback before wincing sympathetically. "For the record, you're _not_ a hindrance. Seriously, you managed to take down Miss Valentine's Day, right? That's more than I've managed to do, that's for sure. Not to mention that you can read the weather like an open book, so there's that too."

"That... means a lot to me, Cross..." Nami nodded hesitantly before sighing heavily. "But that's not enough and you know it. That's why you got that armor, right? So that you could make _some_ kind of difference?"

I froze as I suddenly became acutely aware of the weight of my armor. "...Fair enough. You were saying?"

"I just..." Nami waved her arm helplessly. "Want to know if it's going to _work,_ you know?

"It should," I replied with a nod. "Though I'd recommend you read the manual _before_ you get in a fight for your life."

Nami blinked as she tried to work out what I was saying before slowly turning to glare daggers at the kitchen. "Good idea..." she hissed. "As a matter of fact, I'm going to go and get involved in the design process, get a good look at the blueprints."

"Mind if I make a suggestion for that particular meeting?"

"What?"

I couldn't help but grin impishly. "Five Cast Iron."

Nami's face flushed furiously for a moment before she smiled demonically. "I'll take that into consideration..." she said in a far too calm voice as she stalked off.

" **Dead. Man. Walking,"** Soundbite droned with all the gravity of a death knell.

"Hey, she was almost stuck like a pig thanks to him," I defended. "In my opinion, the bastard's earned it. 'Sides, she won't hurt him..."

" _ **ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR DAMNED MIND!?"**_

I winced as the sounds of scuffling and yelling rang out from the kitchen.

"Much?" I amended hesitantly.

A few minutes later, my exercise was interrupted once anew by a bruised and battered mummy standing over me, glaring daggers down at my prone form.

"Before you say anything!" I defended hastily. "You _did_ try to put party tricks into a _weapon._ That _might_ work for you, but it sure the heck doesn't work for the rest of us!"

Usopp growled darkly beneath the bandages covering his mouth for a moment before shuffling off.

"Try working on your explosive ammo!" I called after him. "Take my word for it, with the guys we're going up against? Bigger is _way_ better!"

It was hard to tell whether he agreed with me or not, muffled as he was.

I made to go back to exercising before jerking back up as a _another_ thought struck me. "Oh, and I'd suggest Chopper and Luffy and you start fishing pretty damn soon!"

I'm _fairly_ certain that grunt was an affirmative. That or some kind of expletive, but eh, whatever.

"LUFFY _gonna_ **pig out?"** Soundbite asked.

"Among other things..." I shrugged with a grimace. Here's hoping that our new guest isn't _too_ dangerous.

But still, come on, it wasn't like the guy could be _that_ bad, even if he _was_ a cross-dressing assassin with a questionable - at best - taste in fashion.

**-o-**

I was wrong, I acknowledged miserably as my eye twitched furiously. Wrong on so many levels.

He _could_ be that bad, and so much worse to boot.

Once again, Oda's art had not been quite up to the task of depicting what was in front of me. And unlike with, say, Laboon, that had been a _good thing_. Suffice to say that that outfit and that makeup did _not_ look good on that body. Hell, I don't think it was possible for it to look good on _any_ body, period!

"I officially envy the blind..." I muttered beneath my breath.

" _The horror..."_ Soundbite whimpered miserably from within his shell.

"HMMMM? I'm sorry, boy, what did you just say!?"

"GRGH!" I jumped back in shock as Mr. 2 suddenly got right up in my face, an expression I could only describe as 'peeved' painted on his face.

"Do you have a problem with okamas, young man?" he demanded with a huff.

My eye twitched furiously as I caught my hand jerking towards my baton. "Alright, _first off,_ I am _eighteen_ and I think I'm starting to develop a complex here, so fair warning, there's a non-zero chance I will _brain you_ if you don't _back off."_

Thankfully, the okama listened to me, giving me some space with an embarrassed chuckle. "Aheh, sorry about that."

"Right..." I muttered, taking a moment to properly formulate a response before speaking. "Anyways... second, concerning your question: I... do not _dislike_ okamas based on their choice. What they want to wear or... other facets of their personalities are wholly and utterly none of my business. That being said, though..." I glanced downwards with a shudder. "If you're going to walk around with your legs bare, then for the love of _god_ , invest in some razors!"

Mr. 2 cocked an eyebrow at me curiously before shrugging indifferently. "Fair enough. To be fair, that answer is more cordial than most you can expect! Ah well, tata then!" And with that, he spun back to his more... 'adoring' audience.

I couldn't help but cock my eyebrow at the display, trying to work through the sheer cognitive dissonance. To think that this guy was the... third most dangerous guy in Baroque Works? Fourth if you counted Doublefinger.

While Mr. 2 was talking, I happened to notice Nami and Zoro eyeing me warily. If the way they were glancing at the okama was anything to go by, they wanted to know what the deal was.

I considered things for a brief moment before finally deciding that there was no real reason to keep them in the dark. Hence, I surreptitiously positioned my hand _just_ so in the crook of my elbow and flashed a pair of fingers at them.

The way they stiffened showed that they obviously got the message, but I hastily shook my head as Zoro grabbed one of his swords. If we took down Bon Clay now, chances were that we would be shooting ourselves in the foot _way_ down the line. No way in _hell_ was I risking that.

I was drawn out of my thoughts by Mr. 2 speaking up and reeling his arm back. "BEHOLD MY ABILI-!"

"Hey, watch it!" I yelped as I grabbed his wrist.

"Awww, Cross! What gives!?" Luffy whined childishly.

"'What gives' is that there are a hundred and one different Devil Fruit abilities on the sea. If you think there's a _chance_ that I'm going to let a stranger use their ability on this ship without telling us what it is, then you're out of your mind!" I snapped hastily. _Damn_ that had been way too close. Still, on the bright side, Luffy was probably going to be able to remain anonymous for a bit longer. Heck, with any luck we all might.

"Huh?" Luffy blinked in confusion. "But Cross, don't you- _GRK!"_ Our captain's voice was cut off in a choked gurgle as Nami hastily throttled his windpipe.

"Oh, don't mind me, please continue." Nami's calm expression was in complete opposition to the veins popping up on her arms.

Bon Clay gave Nami a confused look before shrugging indifferently and smiling at me. "Well, you seem like quite the smart cookie, my friend. It's not often that one sees someone quite so smart on the Grand Line! Good on you!" he complimented as he gave me a paternal pat on the cheek.

I couldn't help but chuckle sheepishly as I scratched the back of my head. "Yeah, well, _someone_ on this crew has to use common sense, n- _eek!"_ I froze as I processed what had just happened.

He'd patted me on the cheek.

He'd patted me. On the cheek. _With his right hand._

"Uh-oh..." I breathed numbly.

"Heeheeheehee!" Mr. 2 smirked as he slapped his right hand to his own cheek and shot my own grin back at me. "Guess you're not as smart as you thought after all, huuuuuuh~?"

The best response I could muster was a strangled gurgle.

"Haha!" Bon Clay cheered as he spun around eagerly. "Behold! The power of the Clone-Clone Fruit! By touching someone with my right hand-!"

I tuned Bon Clay's explanation out as I processed the implications of what had just happened. Well, my attempt to stop Mr. 2 from grabbing faces had just failed in my own regard...

I tensed as I saw him heading for my crewmates.

But that sure as heck didn't mean it'd have to fail for everyone else!

"Hey!" I barked as I got between him and everyone else. "No touchy, especially not in the face!"

"Crooooss!" Luffy whined childishly.

"Come on, Cross, why do you have to ruin our fun!?" Usopp demanded.

"Fun-killer!" Chopper concurred.

"I don't know about you, but personally? I don't consider the idea of leaving my... _everything_ in the hands of a stranger to be 'fun'," I stated flatly before glaring at Bon Clay. "Bad enough you have my face, but so long as I have any say in all this, then you won't be getting anyone else's."

Mr. 2 pouted innocently. "Aww, don't you trust me, Mr. Cross?"

I gave Mr. 2 a flat look. "You tricked me and stole my face. In a word?" I leaned forwards and narrowed my eyes accusingly. " _No."_

"Oh, you're no fun," Mr. 2 accused me. I just crossed my arms and leaned back, glaring expectantly at him. "Well, I suppose I can work with just one face. Let's try this again: behold, the power of the Clone-Clone Fruit!"

And with that, Bon Clay started up his carnival of faces, swapping one for another for another. It was rather impressive, to be honest, if slightly disturbing. At least it was a clean type of transition, as opposed to the more disturbing options out there.

I _did_ flinch when he took on Cobra's face, that's for damn sure. How the hell he got _that,_ I don't even want to consider.

Judging from the way that Carue squawked behind me, I wasn't the only one who recognized the face.

"Th-that face! That's- _ERK!"_ Carue cut himself off as I rammed my elbow into his side.

"Not another word, duck!" I hissed beneath my breath.

Carue stared at me in disbelief. "But that's-!"

"Shh!" I shushed him.

Carue ground his beak darkly for a moment before leaning in conspiratorially. " _But that wath Vivi's father!"_

"I know that!" I growled in agreement as I continued glancing cautiously at the Officer Agent. "But the fact is that we can't let him _know_ that we know that. If we do, things are going to become a _lot_ more... _interesting_ around here. Just wait until he's gone, it shouldn't be long now."

"But Cwoss..." Carue shook his head furiously. "Someone wike _that_ with the face of a king, of Vivi's _father!"_

I shook my head sadly. "You have no idea. But the fact is that we can't do anything about it right now. For now... just grit your beak and bear it."

Carue glanced distrustingly at Bon Clay for a moment before giving me a hesitant nod. "If you say so, Cwoss..."

"I do," I nodded solemnly. "I don't do it gladly, but I do either way." I was silent for a moment as Carue slowly trotted off before grimacing and shaking my head. "I don't do it gladly, but here's hoping that things turn out for the best either way..."

" _That bad?"_ Soundbite asked nervously.

I glanced at him for a moment before sighing miserably. "I let him go, he burns a city down. We stop him here... well, simply put, I condemn Luffy to a guaranteed death."

Soundbite's eyes widened in shock for a moment before he scowled furiously. " _MORTON'S FORK, huh?"_

"Yeah," I nodded grimly. "Save that unlike on Little Garden, the choice is a _lot_ more obvious." I cast a grim look at Mr. 2. "We stay the course... for better or for worse."

And so Mr. 2 and our more childish crewmates played and celebrated for several minutes, under my, Zoro's and Nami's supervision so as to ensure he didn't grab anyone _else's_ faces. At long last, though, the fun came to an end as Mr. 2's swan-headed ship came into view and he leaped aboard.

"Farewell, my friends!" he cried sadly. "May we meet again one day!"

"Goodbye, weird guy! We'll miss you!" Luffy cried.

"Bye, weird guy!" Chopper and Usopp concurred.

"Oh don't worry, we'll be seeing him again..." I informed them blandly.

"Now then, my men!" Mr. 2 pointed forwards dramatically. "Let us be off!"

"Yes sir, Mr. 2 Bon Clay sir!" his crew cried out as they set their ship's paddles to charge off at full speed.

We watched the ship draw off for a few moments before I finally spoke up.

"Oh yeah, we'll be seeing him again _real_ soon," I deadpanned.

" _THAT WAS MR. 2!?"_ Luffy, Chopper, and Usopp squawked in disbelief.

"Seriously, _that_ was one of the strongest Officer Agents in Baroque Works?" Zoro scoffed.

"I guess it takes all kinds, huh?" Nami asked weakly.

"T-That was actually Mr. 2 Bon Clay!" Vivi gasped in shock.

"Didn't you know what he looked like!?" Usopp demanded.

"Nuh-uh, we nevah met anyone bewow Mistah Thwee, and that was enough for me!" Carue squawked in denial.

"But... I did hear rumors..." Vivi moaned as she sank to her knees. "That he's a flamboyant cross-dresser, that he has swans on his coat and the words 'Okama Way' are printed on his back."

"Are you blind?" Luffy, Usopp, and Zoro deadpanned in disbelief.

"Would you like me to suggest some memory exercises for you now, or would you rather wait until _after_ you forget some touchy nation's customs?" I asked innocently.

Unfortunately, drawing attention to myself was _not_ the proper course of action for me to take. Vivi immediately snapped to her feet and rounded on me, fury in her eyes. "Why didn't you tell us who he was!?" she demanded. "That man had my father's _face!_ Baroque Works has his _face!_ Can you even _imagine_ the kind of damage they could cause?!"

I winced as I recalled the images of a burning city. "All too well..." I sighed grimly for a second before rallying swiftly. "But while the damage he'll cause right now will be devastating, the damage that would have been caused by stopping him back then would have been positively cataclysmic, if not _fatal._ Believe me, I didn't _like_ staying silent, but it was the only option I had! The fact is, _we needed him to be our friend._ I don't like it any more than you do, but for now the okama goes free. And besides..." I grinned confidently. "I've already done more than enough to nullify him completely."

"Oh yeah?" Zoro grunted in confusion. "How so?"

"Easy." I jabbed my thumb at Nami. "He didn't get _her_ face."

Nami blinked in confusion at that for a moment before sighing heavily and slapping her hand to her face. " _Sanji_ will be fighting him, won't he?"

"You called, my love?" said cook swooned as he swirled up to our navigator.

"Where da heck were you!?" Carue demanded.

"Cooking dinner in the kitchen," Sanji shrugged indifferently before looking around and taking in everyone's expressions. "What did I miss?"

"We became friends with a shapeshifting okama who stole Cross's face but he turned out to be one of the bad guys who's hurting Vivi's country," Luffy explained simply.

Sanji blinked as he took the statement in before shrugging indifferently. "Okay."

"Oh, and by the way," I spoke up as I walked up to him. "When Luffy says he stole my face, he means that the okama, Mr. 2, can use his Devil Fruit to turn into, well, me. Seeing how you'll be the one fighting him in the future, chances are that he'll try using it in order to trick you. Do you think you're prepared for that?"

Sanji stared at me flatly for a moment before placing his hands on my shoulders. "Cross," he stated solemnly. "I will not hesitate even a second before kicking your ass into a broken, bleeding pulp. Of this, you have my word."

I grinned and nodded in agreement for a moment... before allowing a hint of uneasiness to enter my expression. "You mean... kick _his_ ass... wearing _my_ face... right?"

Sanji nodded in agreement. "That too."

I nodded numbly for a moment before hastily wheeling around and clapping my hands firmly, a rictus grin plastered on my face. "Let's work out a password just to be safe, huh?" I asked hastily.

"Eh, I don't know..." Zoro mused with a sadistic grin. "Maybe we should just give you a beating every time we see you just to be sure?"

"PASSWORD! _NOW!"_

"Oh, how about 'Swordfish'?"

" _BETTER PASSWORD!"_

"Heh, alright, alright. Any ideas?"

"...weeeell... I do have the one..."

**-o-**

A few foodless days and one Sea Cat-encounter later, we finally came within sight of our destination.

An expanse of land that engulfed the horizon, the purest _land_ I'd seen since we'd gone past the Grand Line.

An island, nay, a _continent_ of sand, shadows and _heat;_ a heat that was intensified even further by the flames of war and those who fanned them.

"Welcome back to Alabasta, Vivi..." I mused, clapping her on the shoulder as we pulled into Nanohana's port. "It's been waiting for you for a while now."

"Mmm..." Vivi nodded morosely in agreement. "I'd say it's good to be home, but given the circumstances..."

"Hey, come on..." I tightened my grip on her reassuringly. "What did I tell you earlier?"

Vivi was silent for a moment before smiling hopefully. "Believe in Luffy."

"Believe in Luffy," I nodded in agreement. "He might be a dingus, but in the end, he's still Luffy. He'll get things done, one way or another."

"FOOOOOOOD!"

I winced at the animalistic howl that cracked the air, as well as the dust cloud left in his wake. "Usually another..." I grumbled. I then tapped Soundbite's shell and waved my finger in a circle, an electronic whine indicating that he was amping me. " _I'll go after Luffy. Hurry up with getting the supplies, when we get back it'll be with his brother and a_ lot _of Marines on our tail."_

"SAY WHAT!?" everyone howled after me as I jumped ashore.

"HEY LUFFY, WAIT UP!" I called as I ran after our Captain.

And so it was that the climax to the Alabasta Saga started.

On the one side, the ragtag band of pirates I was a part of, fighting for the sake of a friend.

On the other, a nefarious criminal organization completely and utterly devoid of scruples.

On the line, the lives of everything and everyone that was within this kingdom.

As I ran into Nanohana, one simple thought defined my opinion of the situation:

' _Bring it on.'_


	16. Chapter 16

### Chapter 16: This Bites! The Inevitable Holiday Special!

### Chapter Text

It was a nice, cloudy morning on the Going Merry: the wind was blowing, the waves were lightly rocking, and I was leaning back and relaxing up in the crow's nest.

I let out a contented sigh as I stretched my limbs out and leaned back in my wooden seat. "I love end-of-night watch duty... we clear, Soundbite?" I asked with the apathy of the content.

" **EE-** _yup..."_ Soundbite sighed happily from within his shell.

"Perfect..." I grinned as fidgeted slightly in my seat... before jerking in shock as something cold hit my nose. "What the-!?"

I snapped my eyes open and looked around frantically for a moment... before sagging miserably as I caught sight of just what had hit me: a snowflake, one of many that were all swirling around us.

"Seriously?" I growled in exasperation before tapping Soundbite's shell. "Ship-wide broadcast."

An electronic whine shook the air.

"Wakey wakey, guys," I groaned wearily. "We've got snow blowing in." I glanced around hastily before sighing in relief. "No icebergs, but... well, you know the drill. All hands on deck."

A chorus of groans rang out briefly before Soundbite cut them off and poked his eyestalks out, eyes narrowed. " _Fourth_ TIME **this week!"**

"Yeah yeah, I know..." I grumbled as I placed Soundbite down on my shoulder. "But hey, it's the Grand Line. What're you gonna do?" And with that, I slid out of the crow's nest and slowly made my way down the rigging, watching all the while as the rest of the crew got out on deck.

Well, most of the rest of the crew. Zoro was still asleep and had to be carried by Luffy.

I sighed and massaged my eyes tiredly before dropping down to the deck. "Soundbite?"

" _ **GROOOOOAH!"**_

"GAH!" Zoro barked as he jerked awake and flailed off Luffy's shoulder. The second he realized what had happened, he snapped a glare at Soundbite. "You realize someone's going to lose it and kill you, right?"

" _Let 'em try!"_ Soundbite cackled.

"Yeah yeah, shut up, the both of you," Nami growled as she rolled her eyes in frustration. "Okay everyone, snap to it. Drop the sails, raise the anchor, the full nine yards. Let's get the Merry under control before we get caught up in _another_ winter storm."

"Aye aye..." I and everyone else groaned in agreement as we hopped to it.

"And it'sh sho cwose to Chwishmash too..." Carue whined.

Those words served to freeze everyone in their spots, all of us turning to stare at the duck in shock.

"Wait, you have Christmas?!" I blurted out in shock.

"Does anyone know what day it is?" Nami asked at the same time.

"Uh..." Chopper racked his brain furiously. "I-I think it was the 18th the day we left Drum!"

"And we were on Drum a little under a week ago..." Nami mused before looking up in shock. "Holy crap, it's Christmas Eve!"

"Wait, seriously?!" Luffy squealed eagerly before throwing his arms up and whooping joyously. "That means that this is Christmas snow! Woohoo! Hey, Usopp, think fast!"

"Huh?" _THWACK!_ "ARGH!" Usopp sputtered as he was sent sprawling ass over teakettle by a snowball the size of a bowling ball slamming into his head. He lay still for a moment before twitching ever so slightly.

"Luffy..." he growled out. "I hope you realize..." He suddenly snapped to his knees and let loose a hastily constructed snowball. "THIS MEANS WAR!"

The snowball struck its target dead on, slamming clean into the center of their face. Unfortunately... due to the snow in Usopp's eyes, and maybe a minor concussion on top of that, the target in question was the wrong one.

Chopper blinked in surprise as he cleared the snow from his eyes before looking at Usopp neutrally. "Usopp..." he started slowly. "I know I've led a reclusive lifestyle until recently... but the long and short of it is that I've lived on a Winter Island my entire life. I have grown up surrounded by snow, by ice, by cold... to put it simply..."

All of a sudden, there was a three-hundred-pound goliath of fur and muscle standing in the middle of the deck, grinning madly as he held up two snowballs he'd picked up from _somewhere._ " _I'm in my element!"_

Usopp blinked in confusion. "Wha- _ohshit!"_ he yelped as he ducked behind the mast, only just managing to avoid the massive snowballs that plastered the space he'd occupied moments before. A second later, he peeked out from around the mast with a snowball loaded into his slingshot. "WAR!" he howled furiously.

"WAR!" Chopper roared back as he held up a new pair of head-sized snowballs.

" _WAR!"_ Luffy made three as he held up a massive ball of snow over his head, laughing even as the other two pelted him with their respective arsenals.

I blinked numbly as I processed just how _fast_ things had devolved into madness. "Holy _shi-_ WOAHFUCK!" I yelped as I jumped out of the way of the trio's stray fire, hunkering down behind a trio of barrels that we'd left lying on deck. The panicked squawking behind me told me that Carue hadn't been as quick on the uptake as I had been.

A second later, Nami joined me, huffing heavily as she brushed a hefty amount of snow off of herself. "Those _idiots..."_ she growled, half fondly, half in exasperation.

"Sooo..." I started slowly, occasionally glancing over the edge of the barrels as I monitored the progress of the ongoing war. "Christmas. You guys have it too?"

Nami shot me an incredulous look. "You really want to talk about this here? _Now!?"_

"Well..."

Without warning, _something_ shot clean through the side of one of the barrels, leaving behind an _all_ too clean hole.

I stared at the barely controlled devastation in numb horror. "Point taken." I grabbed Nami's wrist. "Come with me if you want to li- _ow!"_

" _THAT'S_ **my SCHTICK!"** Soundbite snarled once he let go of my ear.

"Schtick? What is he-?" Nami snapped a glare at Soundbite. "Did he just make a cheesy reference?"

" _ **Mozzarella-**_ **worthy!"**

"I thought so."

THWACK! "OUCH!" I yelped as Nami slapped me upside my head. "What the hell was that for!?"

"You earned it! Now come on!" Nami grabbed me by the front of my collar and dragged me out from behind our cover. "Let's move!"

The next few moments were a flurry of movement, snow, and _pain,_ but eventually, we managed to make our way into the kitchen, where Vivi and Sanji were waiting for us.

"Well _that_ was fun..." Nami shivered as she sloughed off the layer of snow that had covered her.

"Tell me about it," I muttered shakily as I glanced at our other two friends. "I see you managed to save the princess, Mister Knight."

"Psh!" Sanji scoffed as he puffed on his cigarette. "As though such a small amount of cold could so much as _touch_ the flames of my heart!"

"Did either of you manage to see what happened to Carue?" Vivi asked in concern.

I winced slightly before placing my hand on my heart with a remorseful expression. "He fought well, but ultimately... I am afraid he fell in battle." I held my fist up and shook my head sadly. "He will be remembered."

" **GOODNIGHT,** SWEET _PRINCE!"_ Soundbite faux-sobbed.

Suddenly, a pounding rang out against the door. " _WET ME IN YOU MOWONS, BEFOW THEY FWEEZE ME FUCKIN' SOWID!"_

Vivi shot me a vicious glare, prompting me to give a sheepish smile before hastily wrenching the door open and dragging Carue through. "Heheh... sorry?"

"Scwew you, Cwoss..." Carue grumbled as he shook himself out and worked the snow out of his feathers.

"Ah well, can't blame a guy for trying. Oh, by the way, did you see Zoro?"

"Yeah..." Carue scoffed as he rolled his eyes. "He's still out there. And bewieve you me, he's having the time of his wife."

I frowned in confusion before glancing out the door's porthole... and promptly wrenching my way back with a shiver; the grin Zoro was sporting as he sliced up any and all snowballs that came his way was down and out _demented!_ And the fact that he didn't have a speck of snow on him did _not_ help.

" _Scaaaa-_ **ry..."** Soundbite shuddered.

"Sooo..." I trailed off uncomfortably. "Christmas, huh? You guys have it?"

"Wait, you do too!?" Nami asked in disbelief.

"Festive winter holiday with red, white, and green as the traditional colors, a focus on snow and snow-related activities, and gift-exchanging as one of, if not the greatest parts of the holiday?" I summarized curiously.

"Sounds like Christmas to me," Sanji whistled in awe.

"I'm actually more surprised that _you_ guys have it!" I continued, my voice rising. "I mean... what with the difficulties in geographical distance and climate, how do you actually... you know, coordinate it all? That's not even getting into the _wildly_ divergent cultural roots between our two worlds."

Vivi shrugged helplessly. "I couldn't really tell you, to be honest. Christmas is one of the oldest and most popular holidays the world over. Everyone, be they pirate, marine or civilian, no matter the species or nationality, _always_ drops everything for the sake of celebrating it. Literally _nothing_ is more important. And as for climate, well..." she gestured outside. "As you can see, every year on Christmas Eve, across the entire planet, it starts to snow. It's... generally accepted as a Christmas Miracle!"

" _ **DECK THE HALLS WITH BOUGHS OF HOLLY!"**_ Soundbite belted out in a joyous chorus. " _ **DON WE NOW OUR GAY APPAREL, FALALA, LALALA, LALALA!"**_

"Woah!" I chuckled as I angled my head away from the snail. "Listen to you! Sounds like you're already deep in the holiday spirit, huh?"

"YEAH, YEAH!" Soundbite nodded eagerly, his smile taking on a slightly sad tone. " _First_ **Christmas WITH FRIENDS!** _NORMALLY_ _ **I'm all alone..."**_

That sentence caused me to freeze in shock, before I looked down as a thought struck me. "Huh..." I breathed, a new comprehension of what that meant coming over me. "That's... Wow... You know... I tried not to think about it before, but... some part of me acknowledged that I'd never get to celebrate Christmas again. But now this... I... I realize I should be happy, but..." I looked down and shook my head sadly as I scratched the back of my neck. "This... will be the first time I've celebrated Christmas... away from my family."

And just like that, everyone else stiffened before allowing a wave of sadness to wash over them.

"I always managed to make my way back to Cocoyashi in time for Christmas, no matter what..." Nami muttered numbly. "I... I passed up a lot of big whales because of it, but... none of that ever mattered. Being with Nojiko and Genzo was more important than anything..."

"Old Man Zeff, Patty, Carne, and the rest of those shitstains..." Sanji huffed around his cigarette. "Those dumbasses... the pudding's almost definitely gonna taste like shit without me there..."

Vivi shuddered miserably before wrapping her arms around Carue's neck in a desperate hug. "I've... I've had to celebrate Christmas twice without my father... but..." she buried her face in Carue's feathers. "I... I always had Igaram with me... I... I know he's alive and I'm happy for it, but..." Her voice hitched, leaving her unable to find it again.

Carue quacked sadly as he rubbed Vivi's back comfortingly, staring off into the distance all the while. "Wooks wike Kentauwos will haf ta lead the squad on the cwoss-countwy gift wun again... hope Stomp'll be able to handle it, he almost didn't make it wast time..."

We were silent for a moment before I glanced towards the door. "Zoro might have been alone for a while now, but the rest..." I hissed sadly as I shook my head. "Usopp, Luffy, Chopper... they didn't have much, but they _had_ something..." I shrugged helplessly. "And now they're all an ocean away from them."

The mood was thick and heavy...

"' **TIS THE SEASON,** _ **JACKASSES!"**_

"GAH!" We all jumped in shock as Soundbite suddenly filled the cabin with a furious roar.

"You little _uncooked-!"_ Sanji raged furiously.

"Can't you read the mood you little shit!?" Nami demanded incredulously.

" _HELL YES!_ THAT'S _**the point!"**_ the Baby Transponder Snail spat.

"What the hell awe you-!?" Carue started to snarl.

"Wait!" I hastily barked up, my blood racing through my veins. "I realize that he might have been callous, but damn it, and I _can't_ believe I'm saying this for _so_ many reasons, the snail has a point!"

"Um... I'm sorry?" Vivi blinked in confusion.

"Look at us!" I swept my arms over the cabin. "We're getting all moody and brooding! And that is the exact _opposite_ of how we should be! I mean, _come on,_ people!" I flung my arms up extravagantly. "It's _Christmas Eve!_ We should be celebrating what we have, not lamenting what we don't! We might not have presents, we might not have the food, hell, we might not even have any decorations, but _so what!?_ We have each other! We have our _lives!_ And that... that is _more_ than enough for me. What about the rest of you?"

My crewmates glanced amongst one another contemplatively for a second...

"Hell yeah!"

"The Commie's got a point!"

"Thank you for that, Mister Jeremiah, I needed it more than you can imagine."

"I might hate yoaw guts, Soundbite... but thanks."

Before they gave me a response that granted me the _biggest_ fucking grin imaginable.

"Then what the hell are we waiting for, people?!" I demanded exuberantly. "You heard Soundbite! Let's hop to it and deck the halls!"

"You got it!" Sanji grinned as he rolled up his sleeves. "It's going to be a stretch, but I _think_ we've got enough oil and corn kernels!"

"I think I can spare about... half of my paper?" Nami mused contemplatively. "I should be able to get ten flakes out of each sheet..."

"We'll need wax, pieces of string, paint, some glass jars..." Vivi counted off thoughtfully.

"I think I know a few paint wecipes! The squad usuawwy uses them as feather dye, but it _should_ work!" Carue offered.

"Too bad there's not a pine tree for miles around..." I sighed morosely.

I blinked as silence suddenly reigned, then glanced at the rest of the crew present to find them all wearing identical masks of confusion.

"What the heck do you need popcorn for!?" Nami blurted at Sanji.

"Vivi dear, what could you need all those things for?" Sanji asked our resident princess as cordially as he could manage.

"What does paper have to do with flakes of any sort?" Vivi blinked as she tried to process the, to her, complete non-sequitur.

"Why da _heck_ would you want a _pine twee_ of aww things?" Carue demanded in disbelief.

"Uhh... for a _Christmas Tree?"_ I scoffed as I spread my arms wide.

The statement drew everyone's attention and disbelief to me, but before they could start to question that statement, I held up my hands for silence.

"And unless I miss my guess!" I pointed at Sanji. "Popcorn strings?"

"Exactly, thank you!" Sanji snapped, flinging his hands up in gratitude.

I moved on to Nami. "Paper snowflakes?"

"Yes!" Nami sighed in relief. "Geeze, I swear to- have you people been living under a _rock_ your whole lives!?"

"And..." I trailed off slightly as I turned towards Vivi, wracking my brain furiously before finally making the connection. "Paint the jars, put in the candle and voila, electricity-free Christmas lights?"

"Hallelujah..." Vivi sighed in relief.

"Okay, I think I know what's going on here!" I announced, clapping my my hands together firmly. "I don't know which way this goes, but you all have different holiday traditions, no doubt hammered out between the North and East Blues and the Grand Line. They might be foreign to you all, but to me, they're _all_ traditions of the _same_ holiday. I guess it's not surprising none of you have the tree, South or West Blue must get it, but right now that doesn't really matter. For now, I say we lump all our traditions together at once and throw the biggest Christmas Bash we can possibly swing! All in favor?"

"AYE!" everyone chorused, their eagerness revitalized.

"Then come on!" I strode towards the door. "Let's grab the morons and hop to it!"

Just as we were about to exit the door, however, I paused as a thought struck me. "Huh..."

"What is it?" Nami questioned.

"Ah!" I shook my head and blushed in embarrassment. "Nothing, really, I was just wondering how everyone else the world over might be celebrating the holidays."

Vivi blinked in surprise before tapping her chin contemplatively. "Huh... good question..."

I shrugged in agreement. "I know, right? Well!" I clapped my hands firmly. "Anyways! Delaying things won't make this any easier. Shall we?"

"I'd rather not..." Nami demurred.

"Yeah, me neither," I groaned. "But let's get to it!"

And with that, we shouldered our way through the snow-caked door and out into the maelstrom outside.

Still, despite how cold things were and how wet our clothes got midway through... we all wound up laughing half an hour in, loving every second of it.

**-o-**

"HAHAHA! You always manage to surprise me, Woopy!" Dadan cackled as she knocked back the mug she was holding. "You act prim and proper the rest of the year, but come Christmas you manage to drink enough eggnog to put half of my boys under the table! You sure you weren't a pirate or bandit in a past life?"

"Psh!" Mayor Woop Slap snorted as he swirled his mug. "Perish the thought! I have always been a good and honest man, both in this life and all the ones I've lived before! I just consider Christmas to be a good time to relax, is all! After all..." The old official's grin widened in an uncharacteristically cheeky manner as he waved his mug towards the crowd of bandits and villagers mingling in the bar. "I'm allowing you bandit scum to come down here without any sort of protest, aren't I?"

"HAHAHA!" Dadan cackled as she pounded the bar in her mirth. "I take it back old man! It looks like you're pretty damn buzzed yourself!"

"Not a chance!" the Mayor huffed as he waved his cane testily. "I'm-! _Whoops!"_ The senior citizen yelped in panic as he nearly tilted off of his stool, and the only thing that kept him from hitting the floor was the young bartender grabbing his sleeve. "Oookay, so I might be a bit tipsy after all. Sue me! It's Christmas, dammit! Ah, by the way, thank you, Makino."

Makino smiled kindly as she patted the old man's shoulder. "Not a problem, Mayor Woop Slap. Now then..." Her smile widened slightly as she refilled the pair's mugs while pulling out one of her own. "What say we do something we've all been waiting for, huh?"

"HA!" Dadan barked as she slapped the bar once anew. "I hear you, Makino! Let's do it!" And with that, she drew a pair of wanted posters from her jacket and waved it in the air. "HEY EVERYONE!" she bellowed. "THREE CHEERS FOR THE SONS OF MT. CORVO, THOSE STILL WITH US AND THOSE GONE BEFORE THEIR TIME! HIP HIP!"

"HURRAH!" the rest of the bar goers roared in agreement as they toasted their mugs.

Makino chuckled lightly as she drank from her own mug, smiling fondly at the wanted posters Dadan was holding. "Merry Christmas boys, wherever you are."

**-o-**

"And one for you, and one for you, one for you..."

"Merry Christmas, Miss Rika. Delivering the boys their holiday meals, I see."

"Merry Christmas, Captain Seigi!" the young girl smiled up at the Marine Captain. "And yup! I made these riceballs myself! You're the last one!"

"Oh?" The Captain cocked his eyebrow as he looked over the basket she was holding. "But don't you have three there?"

Rika huffed and pouted childishly as she glared at the two riceballs. "Those two are for Helmeppo and Coby. I'm going to send them to them at Marine HQ." Her pout took on a slightly saddened tone. "I still can't believe they're not coming back for Christmas..."

The Captain winced slightly before giving her a comforting pat on the shoulder. "I know it's hard Rika, believe me, we miss them too-"

"Yeah, the halls just haven't had that _shine!"_

"CRAM IT BEFORE I COURT-MARTIAL YOU, WINSLOW! Ah, ahem, sorry about that... anyways. I assure you, Rika, they probably miss you just as much as you miss them."

Rika sniffed sadly before nodding in understanding. "Well, alright..." She then grinned happily and held up one of the rice balls to the Captain. "Merry Christmas, Captain!"

The Captain grinned in agreement as he patted the young girl's head and took the riceball. "Merry Christmas to you too, Rika. Merry Christmas to you too."

He then took a bite of the rice ball... and had to fight to withhold his grimace. "Rika... what did you... make these balls with?"

"Sugar and cinnamon! But Coby and Helmeppo are getting salt! That's what they get for not coming home for the holidays!"

"Ah... I-I see... Lucky bastards..."

"Did you say something, Captain?"

"N-Nothing, Rika, nothing!"

**-o-**

The dozen-odd students of the swordmaster Koshiro stood shivering and miserable out in the courtyard of his dojo, despite the December cold and the light flurries landing on and around them. They had read enough samurai stories to know that this was a test, that if they couldn't stand a little cold, they couldn't consider themselves real swordsmen!

Still, they all, to a boy, wished sensei would hurry up already. They'd been standing in the courtyard since the usual start of practice time, nearly two hours ago. Thus, all of them stood up a little straighter when the sliding door to Koshiro's dojo slid open, letting the man himself pad out in his winter robes, fluffy bunny slippers on his feet and a cup of coffee in hand.

For a moment, he didn't see them, but when he did his eyes widened in surprise. "My word! What are you all doing here?"

The boys all glanced uncertainly at each other before one of them, with black hair shaved close to his head, piped up. "This… isn't a test?"

"Goodness, no!" Koshiro immediately denied. "I would never have you practicing on Christmas Eve!"

"H-huh?" The boys blinked in shock. "But... then why are you coming outside in your winter clothes?"

Koshiro blinked in confusion before nodding in understanding. "Ahh, I see the problem. No no, this is not for training, I'm merely going to celebrate the holiday with my family."

"Huh?" One of the students tilted his head in confusion. "But sensei, didn't your dau- _OOF!"_ The boy winced as the student next to him rammed his elbow into his ribs. "What was that-Ah... ooooh..."

The students shuffled around uncomfortably for a moment... before one of them strode forwards and looked Koshiro square in the eyes. "I'll join you sensei! And I'll do it without my winter clothes too!"

"Yeah, me too!"

"Same here!"

"Actually, I'm gonna go get my- _OW!_ I-I mean yeah! I'm with them!"

Koshiro stared at his students in surprise for a moment... before smiling warmly at all of them. "Thank you, boys. I very much appreciate it."

' _And I'm sure you do as well, Kuina...'_ Koshiro thought fondly. ' _Merry Christmas, my daughter. And to you as well, Zoro, wherever you might be.'_

**-o-**

"Ruff, ruff!"

"Ah, thank you, Chouchou!" Mayor Boodle grinned as he picked up one of the brown paper bags the dog was carrying on his back.

Chouchou woofed again before trotting down the street, proffering the bags he was carrying to the other villagers working on rebuilding houses wrecked mere months before.

"Heh, that's one dedicated dog!" one of the villagers working besides Boodle noted happily.

"Yeah, I wonder where he gets it from!"

Boodle hid his smile as he ate his lunch. He had a good idea of just who had inspired Chouchou in such a way, but if the dog didn't intend to tell anyone about their mutual friend, then neither would he.

' _We're all wishing you a Merry Christmas, Straw Hat Pirates,'_ Boodle thought happily as he helped a villager put up a string of paper snowflakes. ' _Even if most of us don't really know it!'_

**-o-**

Upon the Island of Rare Animals, every last one of the inhabitants, from the greatest of the hybrids down to Gaimon himself, was snoring like a Gregorian choir of chainsaws as they slept together in a massive pile, as they were wont to do every year on Christmas. The reason being that while Gaimon's coconut eggnog was indeed both strong and delicious, it could also be described as a little _too_ strong, always knocking the animals unconscious after the initial rush.

The next day, they would all wake up with apocalyptic hangovers, promising themselves that they would never drink the foul concoction again... all while inwardly smiling at the prospect of doing it all over again the next year.

**-o-**

_Ding-Dong!_

"Hello?"

" _Jingle bells, Kuro smells, Jango laid an egg-!"_

"Hahahahaha!" Kaya cut off the caroling as she burst into laughter. "T-that's a very inventive song, boys, very creative!"

"Thank you, Miss Kaya!" Carrot grinned joyously.

"We were working on it all week!" Onion informed her.

"You really liked it?" Pepper inquired eagerly.

"Of course! It was lovely!"

"It was a little bit off key, in my opinion!" a voice called from the depths of the mansion.

Kaya shot a slight glare over her shoulder before smiling at the trio of boys. "Oh, don't listen to that old goat." She leaned in slightly with an impish expression. "In my opinion, I think he might be going a little deaf in one ear, if you know what I mean."

"I heard that!"

Kaya giggled lightly at the intended reaction before refocusing on the boys. "So, what brings you all here? Did you just want to share that carol, or do you want to come in and have some hot cocoa?"

"Actually, Miss Kaya, we can't stay!" Carrot informed her.

"Yeah, we need to send our gifts to the captain right away!" Pepper concurred.

"We have them right here, see?" Onion held up a glass bottle that was sealed with a cork and some wax, an action that the other two boys imitated.

"Oh, that's a _wonderful_ idea!" Kaya cooed as she looked the bottles over. "And what are you sending him?"

"I'm sending him a story I wrote!"

"I'm sending a lizard!"

"I'm sending socks!" Onion flinched as his friends pinned him with duel glares. "What!? They're useful!"

"Well I think it all sounds wonderful!" Kaya hastily reassured them. "As a matter of fact, I think I'd like to send something to Usopp as well. Would you mind waiting a moment so that I can get it ready for him?"

"Sure!"

"Okay!"

"Well, I need to get back in time for dinner-" THWACK! "OW! Alright, alright, geeze..."

"Okay, give me one moment!" Kaya hastily darted back into her mansion, going up the stairs and towards her room. A minute later, she came down with a bottle of her own. "Here you go! Please, send it along with all of your gifts as well!"

"Alright!"

"You got it!"

"Merry Christmas, Miss Kaya!"

"And Merry Christmas to you!" Kaya said as she closed the door.

The trio immediately started walking away from the mansion towards the shore, crowding around the bottle all the while.

"What's she sending? What's she sending?" Carrot asked eagerly.

"Hm..." Pepper hummed curiously as he held his eye against the bottle. "It looks like a letter... with lipstick on it?"

"Wow, the Captain's one lucky guy..." Onion whistled in awe.

"Yeah..."

"Well come on, let's go!"

"Oh, hey! Do you want to do this in style?"

"Yeah! Okay, on three. One, two—!"

"THREE! PIRATES! PIRATES ARE COMING!"

**-o-**

"Blargh!"

Johnny looked curiously at Yosaku, who had just spat out… something. "What's wrong?"

"This pudding tastes like shit!" Yosaku complained, angrily jabbing his spoon in the offending dish. "The flavor's all wrong and it's grainy instead of smooth!"

"WHAT!?" Patty roared as he slammed his fist down on top of the bounty hunter's skull, bouncing his head against the immaculate dinner table he and his bro were dining at. "Are your tastebuds defective or something!? That pudding is 100% bonafide Baratie Christmas Pudding! It's the pride of our holidays! No way it could taste like anything less than ambrosia!"

"Oh yeah!?" Yosaku snarled darkly. "If it tastes so good, then why don't _you_ try some!?"

"I will!" Patty snarled as he grabbed up a spoon and shoved a chunk of the dish into his mouth.

The second the pudding hit his tongue, Patty's face screwed up into an expression of horrified disgust, but he powered through and rolled it on his tongue before choking it down his throat. The second it was down, however, he screwed up his face furiously and roared towards the kitchen. "THAT TASTED LIKE SHIT! WHO THE HELL WASTED INGREDIENTS MAKING THAT!?

"YOU DID, YOU MORON!" Carne shot back as he stalked out of the kitchen balancing twice his height in platters.

Patty blinked as he ran over the list of dishes he'd made that day. "Oh, yeah, right." Then he went straight back to furious. "WELL, IT'S NOT MY FAULT! _SOMEONE_ FORGOT TO STIR IT WHILE IT WAS COOLING! WHOSE JOB WAS THAT!?"

Zeff snorted as he strode past Patty, his balance and gait not shifting an inch as he swung his pegleg up to slap the cook upside his head. "The shitty brat who's not here anymore, shitbrains."

Patty blinked in surprise before wincing guiltily as he picked the dish up from the table. "I'll... get you a new dish of pudding. I'll handle this myself." And with that he shambled back to the kitchen, his head hung low in shame.

Johnny and Yosaku watched the cook walk off with concern. "Hey, is he gonna be alright?" Yosaku asked.

"Eh, we all miss Sanji, but Patty'll be fine. That shithead's been through worse," Carne shrugged indifferently before giving the pair a curious once-over. "I'm wondering more about you two, though. Paying for everyone's meals during one of our biggest lunch rushes all year? Are you sure you two didn't hit your heads or something?"

Johnny laughed as he shrugged indifferently. "Hey, we got lucky and managed to come by some cash, so why not spread the good fortune? 'Tis the season, don'tcha know!"

"Yeah!" Yosaku nodded firmly in agreement. "Our good fortune should be the good fortune of others, it's only right! Besides, we're not spending it _all,_ we have some set aside for the future! But for now, consider this a gift from us to everyone else here!"

Carne studied them for a moment longer before shrugging indifferently, albeit with an indulgent smile. "Eh, screw it, it's your money. Either way, Merry Christmas, and enjoy the food!"

As he strode back towards the kitchen, he couldn't help but think. ' _Still, that story of how they got that money... Guess this must be what people call a Christmas Miracle, huh? After all... what other word is there for a billion beris_ literally _falling out of the sky?'_

**-o-**

"One one thousand~, two one thousand~, three one thousand~, four one thousand~..."

"Wow, Big Sis..." Chabo whistled as he observed the massive sum of cash that was weighing down Nojiko's table. "This is really somethin'... and you really think that they'll buy them again next year?"

"Not buy, Chabo, rent!" Nojiko swiftly corrected as she continued counting her cash. "The villagers are only _renting_ those tangerine trees, and if they want to rent them again next Christmas, then they'd _better_ return them unharmed the day after tomorrow!"

"So... wait..." Chabo trailed off as he tried counting on his fingers. "If you made this much money this year, and you're gonna make a lot more money next year, then in a few years..."

"I'm gonna be rich," Nojiko summarized primly as her eyes flashed beri signs. "Filthy, stinking, _rich."_

Chabo shuddered heavily as he inched away from the tangerine farmer. "You're your sister's sister alright, Big Sis..." he muttered nervously.

"And don't you forget it..." Nojiko sighed contentedly as she slowly fingered the cash. "Ah... it's official: there's _nothing_ more lovely than a Green Christmas... Now, where was I... Oh, right! Five one thousand~..."

**-o-**

_Knock knock!_

"Um... Captain Smoker, sir?"

"Tsk... Master Chief Petty Officer Tashigi, I am about to smoke and savor a genuine, hand-rolled cigar from Juventad. Unless Straw Hat Luffy and his crewmate Cross are on deck and offering their full surrenders, you had better be prepared to spend Christmas swabbing the deck. With _your_ toothbrush."

"Ah, well, you see sir, it's... it's the guy- I-I mean the men, sir! They're... doing it again, and seeing how we're out at sea I can't go to a bar or sword-shopping like I usually do and-!"

"Son of a... fine. Now where's the damn... there we go. All right, attention all hands. This is Captain Smoker speaking. As I'm forced to do every year by you _morons,_ I am officially giving an order: if I see so much as _one_ sprig of mistletoe anywhere onboard this ship, you'll all spend Christmas in the brig. Only this time, seeing how we're on a ship, you'll all have to share a cell. A situation which I imagine would be quite... uncomfortable. _Do I make myself clear?"_

The sound of scrambling boots suddenly echoed throughout the vessel.

"That's what I thought. Happy, Officer Tashigi?"

"Very. Thank you, sir, I'll go and enjoy dinner now."

"Good... Officer Tashigi."

"Yes, sir?"

"..."

"Merry Christmas to you too sir!"

"Tsk..."

**-o-**

"Woah!" Crocus swore as he waved his arms desperately in an attempt to maintain his balance. "Careful, Laboon! You almost threw me off again!"

"Bwoooh..." Laboon crooned apologetically. The island whale did his best to hold still but wound up shaking with earthquake-esque laughter moments later.

Crocus grumbled darkly as he held onto the whale's epidermis. "Damn it, Laboon..." Moments later, he allowed himself to chuckle as well. "To think that I'd find out that the whale I've lived with so long is ticklish! Or that I'd ever be painting a whale red and white in the first place! Ah, Roger, your touch on my life is still present to this day..."

"Bwoooh?"

"Ah, nothing Laboon. Anyways, if you _have_ to make some noise, why not try a carol or two? Heaven knows we have reason to celebrate this year!"

"Bwooh bwooh bwooh, bwooh bwooh bwooh!"

"Jingle Bells, huh?" the old doctor laughed. "Well, I suppose it's better than nothing!"

**-o-**

"Mr. 5, is this even remotely a good idea?" Miss Valentine hissed out of the corner of her mouth.

"Not in the slightest, Miss Valentine," Mr. 5 hissed back. "But at the moment, I don't see what other option we have! For now, let's just try and stay out of the—!"

_SMASH!_ "SILENCE!"

The assassins choked in terror as they hastily clamped their hands over their mouths.

"Thank you, Mister Broggy," Miss Goldenweek hummed. "More tea?"

"Why yes, thank you, little human!" the blond giant hummed as he held his tiny cup out, which the human filled up.

"And you, Mister Dorry?"

"Oh no, I couldn't!" the relatively taller giant denied. "Still, thank you very much, human. Though..." He tilted his head in confusion. "You do realize that we won't help you off this island just for tea, yes?"

"That doesn't matter to me in the least, Mister Dorry," Miss Goldenweek hummed as she sipped her tea. "What matters is that today is Christmas, and neither of you have properly celebrated it for the past century. And that's terrible. So for now, we will sit here, we will have tea, and we will be polite. Agreed?"

"Agreed!" Broggy announced, thumping his chest. "Even almighty Elbaf himself respects Christmas! So for now, we shall break and rest. Aye, Dorry?"

"Aye, Broggy! This respite shall make the subsequent duels of our continuing battle all the more glorious!"

"Perfect. Now then..." The diminutive human glanced over her shoulder at the Mr. 5 pair, her eyes flashing slightly as she did so. "More tea, you two?"

"YES, PLEASE!" the two hastily replied as they held their cups out to her.

"That's what I thought."

**-o-**

"HURRY UP, YOU SLOWPOKES! THE SUN'S ALMOST DOWN! IF WE'RE NOT READY BY THE TIME IT'S DARK, I'LL HAVE YOUR HIDES FOR FLAGS!"

"Have some patience, Doctor Kureha, we're almost done."

"Tsk..." Kureha scoffed as she sipped from the eggnog bottle she was clutching. "If you have time to talk, Dalton, then you have time to work. I'm seriously considering my threat."

The new president of the Sakura Kingdom shuddered at the idea of angering the nation's surgeon general but forged on anyway. "That aside... Doctor, are you certain that this will work?"

"KAK KAK KAK!" Kureha cackled before jabbing her finger at Dalton. "Don't underestimate me, you big old ox! The quack's concoction was ingenious, true, but I am and always will be his superior! I can alter it however I damn well please. Hence... ARE YOU ALL READY OR WHAT!?"

"MA'AM YES MA'AM!"

"THEN FIRE!"

_BOO-BOO-BOOM!_

A cascade of explosions rang out from the line of cannons arrayed in front of the castle, discharging the powder-payloads held within into the air.

Moments later, sounds of awe and applause echoed out from all around the kingdom below.

"Well I'll be damned..." Dalton breathed in awe.

"KAK KAK KAK KAK!" Kureha cackled as she took another pull from her bottle, basking beneath the cloud of green and red that covered the skies of the kingdom and formed the greatest Christmas Tree in existence. "And don't you forget it, brat!"

**-o-**

In the doorway of the Rain Dinners Casino, two individuals of momentous influence faced off against one another.

On one side stood King Nefertari Cobra, rightful ruler of the kingdom of Alabasta and father of Princess Nefertari Vivi.

On the other side was General Kohza, childhood friend of Princess Vivi, leader of the Alabastan Rebellion, and unwitting pawn of the criminal organization known as Baroque Works.

For what felt like an eternity, the two stared each other dead in the eye, neither giving anything away to the other.

Finally, Cobra bowed his head with a sigh. "I don't suppose there's any point in me _once again_ saying...?"

Kohza snorted and shook his head. "I don't want to hear it, old man. Let's not ruin the holiday spirit."

Cobra pursed his lips and nodded in agreement. He then reached into his robes, causing Kohza to tense. The king affixed an affronted glare on the young man. "You might _think_ me a cruel man, Kohza, but the mere notion that I would attempt to assassinate you today of all days is legitimately _insulting._ Nevertheless, here." And with that, Cobra drew an object from his robes and tossed it to Kohza.

Kohza caught the object and blinked in surprise as he looked it over. "Is... Is this—?"

"Aged durian juice, yes," Cobra confirmed with a smile. "It's still your favorite, I trust?"

"Yeah, it is..." Kohza breathed in awe, before directing a hesitant smile at Cobra. "Well, looks like we think alike. I've got one of the last barrels of Yuba water inside. Come on." He gestured inside. "Shall we join the troops?"

Cobra smiled and nodded in return. "Indeed. Let the Christmas truce begin."

**-o-**

"Are you certain that this course of action is wise, Mister Zero? What if they were to reconcile in some manner?"

"No worries, Miss All Sunday. The wounds we've inflicted between the fools above us run too deep. Let them celebrate for now. After all, this'll be the last Christmas many of them will live to see."

"Hmph. Very well then. Did you have any other reasons to call me here?"

"Indeed. Here, take this."

"Hm? A gift? Doesn't seem like you, Crocodile."

"Just open the damn present, Nico Robin."

"Fine, fine, very we—! Th-This is a textbook from—!"

"I had to hand over quite the pretty beri to that damn bastard Joker for it... but I suppose that we all must make exceptions at times. Merry Christmas, Nico Robin."

"...and to you as well, Crocodile."

**-o-**

Laki made her way through the Shandoran camp, both swiftly and frantically, as she searched high and low for one of two people.

Finally, coming to the camp's central 'plaza', so to speak, she managed to catch sight of one of the two people she was looking for, though definitely _not_ the one she had hoped for.

Laki sighed in exasperation before marching up to the person in question. "Wiper."

"Laki," the famed berserker grunted, staring up at the central totem pole as he munched down on the contents of a small bag he was holding.

Laki hesitated slightly before groaning and deciding to bite the bullet. "Wiper, have you seen Aisa anywhere? I've been looking for her all over, but, well..."

"Yeah, I've seen her."

Laki's eye twitched in annoyance at the berserker's no doubt _deliberate_ brevity. " _Where_ is Aisa?"

Wiper was silent for a moment as he continued to eat before responding, his eyes never leaving the totem pole. "You'll be glad to know that I managed to find a replacement for the Christmas Star that was accidentally broken yesterday."

Laki allowed herself to grin teasingly at the warrior. "You mean the star that Genbo crushed when he sat on it?"

Wiper coughed slightly as some of whatever he was eating went down the wrong pipe before reasserting himself. "A-anyways... I-I managed to find a replacement. A good one too, in my opinion."

Laki frowned and huffed in exasperation. "That's great, but what does that have to do with anything?" She then tilted her head to follow his gaze. "And what are you looking at-!" Laki trailed off as she stared at the top of the totem pole. "Oh you son of a bitch."

Wiper shrugged indifferently as he swallowed another mouthful of whatever-it-was. "A little harsh, perhaps, but you have to admit, it works, right?"

"MMMMPH!" Aisa shrieked through her gag, struggling furiously against the ropes that were keeping her tied to the top of the totem pole.

" _Are you completely out of your mind, Wiper!?"_ Laki demanded incredulously.

Wiper hummed contemplatively before responding. "To be fair, she earned it."

"MMPH MMMPH!" Aisa roared in denial.

"How could she _possibly_ have earned that!?" Laki questioned pointedly.

Wiper shrugged carelessly. "She snuck out to Upper Yard to gather Vearth again, and on her way back through Angel Island, she was caught by one of the Skypieans. And instead of fighting to the death like a true warrior of Shandora, she instead accepted the bag of roasted almonds the 'Conis' girl gave her out of some misguided sentiment of pity."

"MMPH!"

Laki blinked in shock as she processed the explanation before rallying. "Nevertheless, that kind of reaction is not only cruel, but-!"

"Also, I'm pretty sure she's been using her Mantra to follow us around and puzzle out where we're hiding the presents."

Laki and Aisa both froze at that statement, with Laki snapping her gaze up to Aisa while the girl suddenly broke out in a cold sweat and refused to look her in the eyes, squirming furiously at the scrutiny.

A second later, Laki grinned cheekily. "Well, to be fair, you _are_ a very pretty angel, Aisa. Don't worry though, we'll let you down... eventually."

"MMMRGH!?"

"Enjoy!" Laki sang as she turned around and started to walk away... before freezing as a thought struck her. She looked over her shoulder and took in the bag Wiper was eating from. "...roasted almonds, huh?"

"Yup," Wiper grunted as he held up the sack in question. "Pretty good, I'll admit. Want some?"

"Don't mind if I do!"

" _MMMMMRGH!"_

**-o-**

Foxy huffed and wheezed as he ran back into the kitchen, taking a moment to double over and catch his breath before making his way over to the pantry. "Hamburg! Get me three bags of cocoa dust! The South Blue party is starting to run out!"

"Sure thing, boss!" Hamburg huffed as he tossed a trio of canvas sacks at his captain. _Hard._

"YEEK! SLOW-SLOW BEAM!" Foxy shrieked in terror, hastily snapping out a ray of Slow-Slow particles and tagging the sacks before they could slam into him. "WATCH IT, DUMBASS!"

"Pupupu! Sorry Boss!"

"Yeah, well-!"

"Hamburg!"

Before Foxy could lay into his subordinate, he was interrupted by Porsche running in.

"Where's the eggnog? The Grand Liners are running out, and I heard whispers about raiding the West Blue party for it!"

"Oh, speaking of the West Blue-ers, how are the Jonga Brothers doing?" Foxy inquired.

"A little bit hesitant, but Itomimizu was doing his best to get them involved, and everyone else was nice and welcoming. I'm sure they'll get along fine."

"Ah, that's good," Foxy sighed in relief. "Those boys have been standoffish for the past month, I was actually starting to get worried."

"Yeah, well, they'll almost certainly be a lot more standoffish if their own crewmates raid their party for eggnog, _so where is it already!?"_ Porsche demanded hastily.

Hamburg pointed to an array of barrels next to her. "Third from the left."

Porsche eyed the large container miserably before casting a pleading look at her captain. "Captain Foxy, can't we _please_ get someone to help us with this? Pickles, maybe? Or Capote? Heck, I'll even take Big Pan at this point, and he's liable to eat everything!"

"Absolutely out of the question!" Foxy snarled as he crossed his arms in denial. "Our men work hard for me all year long! Today is about them and only them! We'll take care of their needs so that they can all get to relax! Now less jabbering, more-!" THWACK! "GAH!" CRASH!

"CAPTAIN!"

"PUPUPUPUPU! He forgot about the bags! PUPUPUPU!"

"DAMN IT, YOU MUSCLE-CLAD MORON, STOP LAUGHING AND HELP ME DIG HIM OUT ALREADY!"

"The things I do for this crew..." Foxy groaned out from beneath the mountain of supplies that had fallen on him.

**-o-**

"So boss, I just want to confirm..." Paulie hummed as he chewed on his cigar. "Are you _really_ sure that it's such a good idea to leave Christmas to _Franky_ of all people? I mean, well..."

"I think what Paulie's trying to say, sir, is that in the end, it _is_ Franky," Kaku provided bluntly. "He can be quite the hooligan, so are you certain it's wise to leave the celebrations in his hands?"

"What they're trying to say is that they're worried that bastard'll just wreck everything!" Rob Lucci provided by way of his pigeon Hattori.

"Though it pains me to speak against you, Mister Mayor, I fear that for once they might be correct," Kalifa agreed as she primly adjusted her glasses.

"THE HELL DO YOU MEAN 'FOR ONCE', YOU SHAMELESS HARLOT!?" Paulie roared furiously as he jerked towards the secretary.

"I believe she's referring the incident when you stupidly bet three months' worth of pay on a yagara bull whose odds to win were two-hundred to one," Kaku explained with a sigh.

"THAT WASN'T MY FAULT, I HAD NO IDEA THAT ZAMBAI WAS LYING ABOUT THAT BULL!"

Rob Lucci shot a flat look at his coworker. Well... flat _ter_ , at any rate. "You had no idea... that Zambai... of the Franky Family... was lying to you."

Paulie opened his mouth to respond... and promptly shut it with an embarrassed snarl as he spun his stool to face the bar. "Where's that damn eggnog, Blueno!?"

"Here, here," the large horn-haired man laughed as he thunked a mug in front of the shipwright. "And don't worry, it's on the house. I could never make you all pay on Christmas!"

"We're much obliged, Blueno," Iceburg nodded at the bartender with a smile before addressing his employees. "And don't worry about Franky. I know he might be a brute most of the time, but if there's one time of the year he can put his... exuberant personality to good use, it's Christmas. Believe me, I'm sure everything will be fine."

Almost as if in response, a loud thunk echoed from the roof of the bar, followed by a _very_ familiar voice. "HO HO HO! MERRY CHRISTMAS! MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU ALL! I REALIZE THAT I'M ALWAYS IN THE MOOD FOR THE HOLIDAYS, BUT THIS YEAR, I'M FEELIN' EVEN _JOLLY-AH!"_

"That one was weak, Franky!" Iceburg shouted upwards. "And either get that sleigh of yours to actually fly or drive it on the streets! Next year, _you'll_ be the one paying for retiling almost a hundred rooftops!"

"CRAM IT UP YOUR STOCKING, ICE-FOR-BRAINS!" Franky roared back, his voice being swiftly followed up by the sound of reins snapping and roof tiles crunching under the weight of yagara-bull treads.

"Well, there goes the weekend," Paulie groaned, slamming his forehead against the bar.

"Oh, I almost forgot!" Blueno spoke up eagerly. He reached beneath the bar and held out a gift-wrapped package to Rob Lucci. "Here you go, Lucci. I got you a present."

"Really now?" Lucci cocked an eyebrow as he took the gift. "What is it?"

"Open it and find out, genius!" Paulie scoffed as he stewed in his eggnog.

Lucci rolled his eyes at his coworker's frank tone before removing the wrapping paper, revealing a package of—

_CRUNCH!_

Iceburg blinked in surprise as the bar suddenly splintered beneath Lucci's fingers. "What's wrong Lucci?" The Mayor glanced over his employee's shoulder and blinked in surprise as he saw what he was holding. "Huh? Why would that upset you?"

"What is it, sir?" Kaku asked as he started to drink from his own mug, an action that Kalifa was performing at the same time.

"It appears to be a bag of catnip, but I don't—!"

"PFFFF!"

Iceburg and Paulie both jumped in surprise when Kaku and Kalifa suddenly jerked forwards, spraying their drinks back into their cups.

"What the hell is so funny!?" Paulie demanded incredulously, staring at his coworkers in disbelief.

Kaku's sole response was to shake his head furiously. He was unable to say anything else on account of how he was burying his face in the crook of one arm while the other pounded on the bar helplessly, his body shaking and shivering all the while.

Kalifa wasn't much better, only _just_ managing to stay on her stool as she fought to keep her hand clamped over the _massive_ smile she was sporting. "N-Nothing, Paulie!" she managed to work out. "J-Just a litt-tle in-joke i-is all!"

"I thought it would be... appropriate," Blueno offered cheekily, the statement causing Kalifa and Kaku to shiver anew.

Lucci glared daggers at his co-workers as he throttled the package. "Yes, yes, laugh it up, you hyenas. It's not _that—_ huh?" Lucci cut himself off in surprise as he noticed he was making his voice come out of empty air on account of his shoulder being devoid of life, avian or otherwise.

A quick glance downwards awarded him with an answer to the situation: Hattori was unavailable to act as his marionette at the moment on account of how he was too busy flailing about on the floor of the bar, laughing his feathery white ass off.

Lucci glared at the pigeon for a moment longer before growling into his eggnog. "Traitors..."

**-o-**

" _Bwooh bwooh bwooh, bwooh bwooh bwooh!"_

" _Yohohoho! Your rendition of jingle bells is spectacular, Laboon!"_

" _He's certainly better than you, Brook! You're always off key! Nuhahahaha!"_

" _With all due respect, captain, screw you! Yohoho-!"_

"Hohoho— _huh!?"_ Brook 'blinked' in shock as he jerked awake, snapping his sightless gaze around the deck of the Rumbar Pirates' second ship.

After a moment of fruitless staring, Brook groaned sadly and flopped back onto the deck, his limbs spread-eagled.

"Merry Christmas, Laboon..." Brook sighed melancholically as he watched the snow drift down over him. "It warms my heart to know that at least one of us is having one... even though I don't have a heart. Yo ho ho..."

**-o-**

"COME ON, YOU DAMN SLOWPOKES! MOVE YOUR ROTTING CARCASSES! DECK THE NORTH HALLS, FILL THE CUPS IN THE BALLROOM, DRAIN THE BARRELS! MOVE MOVE _MOVE!"_

Absalom growled darkly as he sidestepped a band of zombies carrying a Christmas Tree between them all. "Why the hell do you bastards never move this fast for me!?" he demanded indignantly.

"You're nowhere near as scary as Mistress Perona!" another zombie replied as he dashed by, his arms loaded down with boughs of holly.

"WHAT!?" Absalom started to snarl before he was swiftly drowned out.

" _WHAT!?"_ Perona shrieked furiously as she suddenly materialized in the poor undead's face.

"O-O-Only during this time of year though, Mistress Perona!" the zombie hastily hedged. "Th-Th-The rest of the year you're cute! H-Hyper cute! Q-Q-Queen of cute!"

Perona's expression immediately shifted to her usual smile. "Much better." Aaaand then it was straight back to demonic. "NOW GET THE HELL BACK TO WORK BEFORE I TEAR YOU LIMB FROM FUCKING LIMB!"

"YES, MISTRESS PERONA!" the zombie shrieked, swiftly taking to his heels.

"AND YOU!" Perona howled as she rounded on Absalom, causing him to instinctively take a hesitant step back. "WHY AREN'T YOU WEARING THE HOLIDAY SWEATER I MADE YOU!?"

Absalom sweated nervously at Perona's tone of voice before doing his best to rally. "I-I refuse to wear that mess of red and green yarn you have the _gall_ to call clothing! It is an _affront_ to attire everywhere! Plus, the wool makes me itch."

Perona's lips drew back into a snarl as she shoved her astral face in Absalom's snout. "You'll wear it and you'll like it, or else I swear on all that is cute and cuddly I will _make_ you wear it!"

"HA! You can't even make Bearsy stay silent! How the hell could you make _me—!?"_

" _HORROR HOLLOW!"_

One screaming, flailing, _eldritch_ mass of ectoplasm later, and Absalom was numbly stumbling down one of Thriller Bark's many corridors, clad in a garment only _slightly_ less demented-looking then the terror he'd been confronted with moments ago.

After a minute of aimless wandering, Absalom managed to run into Doctor Hogback... who was clad in an equally terror-inducing 'sweater'.

"Perona got you too, huh?" the medical genius deadpanned as he sipped from the mug of hot cocoa he was carrying.

"Why the hell do we put up with that little brat?" Absalom growled murderously as he picked at the mess of yarn over his torso.

"Because if she wanted to, Mistress Perona could pop your heads like bugs and you'd be able to do absolutely jack about it..." Bearsy huffed as he rolled a massive snowball past the two of them.

" _SHUT THE HELL UP, BEARSY!"_

Absalom and Hogback jumped as Perona's voice shrieked through the great manor's corridors.

"I thought she was back in the main hall," Hogback hissed.

Bearsy's response was to jab one of his hands upwards, indicating a Negative Hollow that the two members of the Mysterious Four hadn't noticed until then.

The Invisible Man and the Mad Doctor exchanged panicked looks before hastily digging flasks out of their pockets and draining them as swiftly as they could.

Meanwhile, up in the manor's master bedroom, Gecko Moria was lounging on his Warlord-sized bed without a care in the world, grinning widely as he listened to his abode's holiday hustle and bustle.

"HANG THOSE STOCKINGS! DECORATE THOSE TREES! SCULPT THAT SNOW! HURRY THE HELL UP YOU JACKASSES! I SWEAR, IF THIS ISLAND ISN'T FULLY HOLLY-JOLLY BY SUNDOWN, HEADS ARE GOING TO FUCKING ROLL! _AND I MEAN THAT LITERALLY!"_

"Merry Christmas to you too, Perona!" Moriah chuckled as he picked up a giant candy cane and started crushing it between his teeth. "MERRY CHRISTMAS! KISHISHISHISHI!"

**-o-**

"Here's the next batch of octopus, Hachi!" Keimi called as she popped her torso out of the waves, hefting the net she was lugging up into the Takoyaki 8's kitchen.

"Thanks, Keimi!" Hachi smiled as he used one of his arms to unravel the net, his other five a blur of motion over the grill. "The holiday rush is great, and I'm almost out of—!" Hachi froze as he actually _saw_ what was in the net. "THESE AREN'T OCTOPI, THEY'RE SQUID!"

"OH, CRAP!" Keimi shrieked fearfully. "I JUST GRABBED THE FIRST SLIMY LONG-LIMBED THINGS I COULD SEE!"

"HOW THE HELL COULD YOU MAKE THAT KIND OF MISTAKE!?" Pappug demanded incredulously from where he was handling the stand's money.

"I'M SORRY!"

"It's alright, it's alright!" Hachi hastily reassured her. "I'll just use it as a substitute and offer some dried squid! I'm sure our customers will still love it! Here's hoping that Ikaros doesn't hear about this though, hoo boy..."

"Ah, Hachi, speaking of the customers!" Pappug hastily interjected. "Are you _sure_ you want the prices to be so low? I mean, holiday spirit and all I get, but if we _just_ had everything at least _half_ price—!"

"It's not about the money, Pappug," Hatchan explained patiently as he got to work spearing the squids. "It's about—"

"Making our customers happy during the happiest time of the year, I know, I know," Pappug sighed, smiling fondly nonetheless as he got back to work.

"Then let's get to it!" Hachi nodded enthusiastically before smiling towards his customers and holding out a stick of takoyaki. "Order up! And please, enjoy the holidays! Next please!"

**-o-**

"Give it up, Old Man, you can't beat me!" Ace laughed as he knocked back his mug. "I'm a lean, mean, drinking machine!"

"Gurararara!" Whitebeard laughed back as he chugged the barrel he was holding. "Speak for yourself, brat! Youth means shit before experience!"

"Psh!" Ace scoffed as he waved his hand, only just managing to stay stable on the barrel he was sitting on. "Maybe so, but I've got a _distinct_ advantage! I can _literally_ burn the alcohol out of my system, gramps! I can keep this up all! Day! Lo-!" Without warning, Ace fell backwards off his barrel, snoring at the top of his lungs.

"GURARARARA!" Whitebeard cackled as he toasted his barrel at his crew. "Well, that's one down, who's next? Come on, the night's still young! By the time we're done, we're going to make the Red-Haired Brats' hangovers look like migraines by comparison! WHO'S WITH ME!?"

"AYE-AYE, POPS!"

"GURARARARA!"

**-o-**

"AHCHOO!" Shanks sneezed violently, groaning as he swiftly wiped his nose before going back to rubbing his head. "Damn it... of all the times for people to be talking about me..."

"You do give people a lot of reasons to talk, chore boy."

"Bite me, Old Man Raleigh..." Shanks grumbled as he examined the items laid out before him.

Silvers Raleigh shrugged indifferently, grinning as he drank from the bottle he was holding.

"Eurgh, anyways..." The red-haired Emperor turned his attention back to the bottles laid out before him. "Hey, Ben! Just to be clear, the wine's going to Mihawk, the rum is going to Kaidou-"

"No, the _sake_ is going to Kaido," Ben Beckmann corrected boredly as he polished his rifle. "The rum is for Whitebeard, the soda is for Big Mom, and the whiskey is for Garp."

"Ah, right, right... and this clear bottle..." Shanks held up the container in question and swirled it in front of his eyes. "Nitroglycerine, right?"

"At least you didn't mistake it for vodka..." Ben huffed.

Raleigh gave his old subordinate a bemused look. "Who the hell are you sending nitroglycerine to?"

"The Five Elder Stars."

"...excuse me?"

Shanks' grin went from ear to ear. "Well, it's not Christmas without a good gag-gift, is it?"

Raleigh stared at Shanks flatly for a moment before slowly opening his mouth.

"For the last time, Old Man, I'm 100% _positive_ that I'm not a D!"

"Psh. Could have fooled me."

**-o-**

Hack cocked an eyebrow as he looked down on Sabo's prone form, calmly inspecting the black eye that was swiftly developing upon his faithful student's partner in revolution. "And what have we learned about trying to set up mistletoe along Koala's usual route to the sparring ring?"

"Getting caught is liable to be very painful?" Sabo groaned.

"Atta boy."

Dragon glanced down at his Chief of Staff as he passed by him, stopping long enough to shoot him a cheeky grin. "The winds of fate can often be violent and turbulent, Sabo, but even should you fail to grasp them, never fear to try again when next they blow."

"Translation, sir?"

"Better luck next year."

"Understood sir..."

**-o-**

Within the holding pen he shared with his sibling, Proto-Drake No. 1, colloquially known as 'Big Red' by most others who weren't his creator, was slumbering peacefully, his titanic mass rising and falling in time with his breaths and earth-rumbling snoring. It had been a long week of testing, and the great beast was grateful for the respite it was being granted.

Suddenly, its slumber was interrupted by something large slamming into the ground next to him, followed by a most _mouthwatering_ smell hitting his nostrils.

Cracking his eyelids open, Big Red immediately snapped his head up eagerly as he managed to catch sight of a most _welcome_ sight: meat. A titanic _slab_ of meat, almost as big as he was, just lying there, ripe for the taking.

Lumbering to his feet, Big Red immediately lurched himself onto the lightly cooked flesh and started to rip into it, managing to swallow several mouthfuls of flesh-

"GWOWOWO!"

_SLAM!_

"GWOOOOH!"

Before he was suddenly knocked onto his side by an all-too-familiar impact.

Snorting furiously, Big Red heaved himself back upright and glared at the perpetrator of the attack: his younger brother, Proto-Drake No. 2, A.K.A. 'Little Green'.

The relatively diminutive dragon was snorting and snuffling eagerly as he eyed his elder sibling, dancing back and forth on his prize as he awaited the retaliation he _knew_ was coming.

Big Red didn't disappoint. Roaring out a challenge, the titanic lizard lunged forwards and swiped his claws at his sibling. The nimble being managed to flap over the projected strike...

_SLAM!_

"GWOWOH!"

But had less luck with the tail that came out of nowhere, bouncing him off the pen's wall.

Still, despite the force of the impact, Little Green was back up in moments, zipping towards Big Red and slamming into him with more force than a being his size had the right to muster.

The bout went on for several minutes more, the dragons exchanging titanic blow after titanic blow, with neither giving nor gaining any ground or quarter.

Finally though, once the siblings had both gotten their licks in and worked off their excess energy, they both sat down and got back to enjoying their impromptu meal. Despite the occasional bat or swipe, the two dragons were content to enjoy both the feast before them as well as each other's company.

Outside the pen, a man shrouded in shadows smiled lightly at the display before turning on his heel and striding back into the corridors of Punk Hazard. The day was young, and he had many more experiments to temporarily put on hold.

After all, Vegapunk thought to himself, it would not do to focus on work on Christmas. Oh no, it would simply not do at all.

**-o-**

The mood amongst the gladiators of the Corrida Colosseum was substantially subdued as the fighters slowly made their way back to their cells after training. It might have been Christmas for the rest of the kingdom, and Donquixote might be taking care of their families during the holidays, but the holiday cheer could do little to help lighten the mood.

While Doflamingo lavished the kingdom outside with gifts and festivities, his actions towards the gladiators were... paltry, to say the least. The food in their meals was actually _fresh_ , sure... but in all honesty, the quality of the ingredients did little to improve the taste of the gruel.

As such, the gladiator's expectations were _beyond_ exceeded when they found a veritable cornucopia of gifts awaiting them in their cells.

New and vintage pieces of armor, quality weapons designed to last for countless battles, blankets and clothing aplenty to help them through the cold nights, all these needs and more were met by the presents that were individually addressed to them by name.

For a few minutes, the gladiators were... leery, to say the least. Who was to say that these 'gifts' weren't tricks from Doflamingo? That they weren't boobytrapped or destined to be yanked away from them at critical moments or bait with which to bring down punishment upon them?

Thankfully, those worries were soon dispelled by Rebecca noticing a small card attached to one of the cell's bars.

" _To: the Gladiators of Corrida Colosseum._

_From: Santa's Little Helpers."_

For a few moments, the gladiators were silent as they processed the information.

Then, for the first time in a _very_ long time, they started to well and truly celebrate the holiday with gusto.

**-o-**

I hummed a few offkey bars of a medley of Christmas carols as I leaned on Merry's railing.

It had been _quite_ the day for our crew. Some bits of it were familiar enough, stringing up decorations, cooking holiday meals like eggnog and such...

Other events, however, were far more indicative of our crew. Nami giving Sanji a black eye for almost accidentally getting her and Vivi beneath some mistletoe had been one. I myself had had a more... enjoyable experience when I managed to take Carue's place when Vivi almost ran into him. It was just on the cheek, but still, it was the thought that counted.

In the end, it was plain and clear to see that the holiday spirit was alive and well on the Going Merry. We were all laughing, we were all having a good time, and the party that was being thrown in the kitchen was at full swing.

This fact was made especially evident when the door creaked open behind me, disgorging a wave of sound and laughter.

"Hey, Cross!" Nami laughed as she walked up behind me. "Are you going to come in or what? Sanji's eggnog is... whoo!" She laughed as she shakily supported herself against the railing. "It's actually pretty damn strong! And Soundbite's actually pretty good at singing when he skips past all the dirty limericks!"

I chuckled slightly at her antics before waving her off. "Yeah yeah, don't worry, I'll be along in a bit. I'm just..." I gestured upwards at the stars. "Enjoying the view."

Nami giggled drunkenly as she nodded in acceptance. "Fair enough, Commie!" She plopped a red and white hat down on top of my head and started to make her way back to the kitchen. "Merry Christmas, Cross!"

"Merry Christmas, matey," I shot back with a backwards wave.

Once the door shut, I stared up at the stars contemplatively, my mind a million miles off.

To think... that at this moment, in this world, _across_ this world, Christmas was being celebrated. A holiday I'd never truly expected to see again. A holiday from my _home..._

I couldn't help but smile fondly at the thought. Something so familiar, so _normal,_ appearing in this world just like that. Truly the Blue Seas never ceased to amaze.

I wondered... just how many other things were similar? How many other aspects from there could be found here? Where did they start, and where did they end?

Truly a momentous question. Still though... in the end, did it really matt-

"HO HO HO!"

I snapped my head up at the sound that echoed over the seas, raking the night sky for signs of... well, _anything_ really.

A shadow flitting across the moon, a trail of sparkles in the sky... and then nothing.

I blinked numbly as I tried, _tried_ to process what I'd seen. Was that actually—? Was it even _possible—?_

Finally, I turned on my heel and numbly marched towards the kitchen, shouldering my way inside.

I ignored everything around me as I beelined straight for the nearest bottle of alcohol, snatching it up and upending it, draining the liquid held within in a single, swift sitting.

Once that task was accomplished, I flung the bottle aside, climbed upon the table and threw my arms out wide.

"MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL!" I bellowed, the alcohol slurring my voice. "AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT!"

And with that, I fell backwards and plunged once more into the abyss, a goofy grin proudly displayed on my face.

**-FIN-**

**Xomniac A.N. Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays from the creative forces of This Bites!, and good fortune to you and your families!**

**CV12Hornet A.N. Merry Christmas, ya filthy animals.**


	17. Chapter 17

### Chapter 17: Meetings With Ace! The Gray Terminal Brothers Fight Again!

### Chapter Text

I panted heavily as I chased after Luffy's dust trail, doing my level best to keep up with him. Still, despite my best efforts, my 'best', improved as it was, wasn't anywhere near good enough to keep up with as ridiculous a powerhouse as Luffy. It was all I could do to stay in sight of his dust-trail, and dodging around the citizenry and odd marine wandering around wasn't helping matters in the least.

At least I wasn't all that alone on my chase, so to speak.

" _CROSS!"_ Nami howled from Soundbite's mouth. " _What the hell do you mean by Marines!?_ And why the hell didn't you tell us that Mr. 3 was here!?"

"Oh yeah, his ship's near the Merry..." I huffed to myself before refocusing. "And in reverse order, I didn't tell you about Mr. 3 because he's not relevant. He's nowhere near Nanohana at the moment, so you don't need to worry about hiding your faces, and Crocodile's going to jump the gun and take care of him before he can raise any hell for us, so don't worry about the Wax-man. And as for the Marines, well..." I couldn't help but grin eagerly. "Well, even _before_ I opened my mouth Smoker wanted Luffy's head as a matter of pride!"

" _And now?"_ Nami groaned wearily, obviously dreading the answer.

"If there was a chance in hell he'd ever leave us be before, there sure as heck ain't one now!"

" _... you are a_ raging _son of a bitch, you know that?"_

"And proud of it!" I cackled eagerly. "Now, hurry up and load up on supplies, the desert's going to be hell on earth as it is. Oh, and before I forget, Sanji!" A glance at Soundbite prompted him to shift his expression and voice.

" _Yeah, Cross?"_

"You're in charge of getting clothes for everyone. Make sure you go with your instincts, got it? The fate of Alabasta might very well depend on it!"

Sanji, and by proxy Soundbite, blinked in confusion. " _Um... alright? If you say so, Cross."_

"Great! Now then..." I trailed off slowly as I became aware of a rather crucial fact: I'd lost Luffy's trail. "Where the hell is my captain!?"

SMASH-SMASH-SMASH- _KA-KRASH!_

I blinked in surprise at the trio of explosions that rang out from the alleyway to my next, explosions that were swiftly followed up by a rather impressive cloud of dust and debris.

" _I'm_ GONNA **say** _ **thattaway,"**_ Soundbite deadpanned.

"I'm inclined to agree with you..." I muttered as I made my way towards the devastation. Gingerly peeking my head into said alleyway, I noted the neat holes shattered into the walls.

"Christ on a pikestaff, Luffy," I muttered, not even wanting to _consider_ how much force that required. "Are you a human, a monster, or some freak force of nature!?"

" _D:_ **all of the above!"** my gastropodal companion snickered.

I started to nod in agreement before tensing furiously as I ran that sentence over in my head. "...That makes _way_ too much sense..." I groaned to myself.

"Gimme a freaking break…"

I flinched back as a wave of heat washed over me, followed swiftly by a very familiar grumbling pirate. Geez, Ace looked steamed, and yes, that pun was intended because the way the air was shimmering around him made that expression all-too-literal.

"Smashing me through several buildings, what kind of world-class idiot would do something like that!?" the Whitebeard Second Division Commander growled to himself.

"Ah, excuse me?" I piped up hastily as I hurried to catch up with him. "Did you just say 'world-class idiot'?"

Ace paused in the last hole, presumably seeing Luffy. I was more preoccupied by the sound of a lighter flicking behind me, which turning around revealed to be Smoker standing in the previous hole, lighting his cigars and looking _damn_ intimidating in the process. I sighed as I realized what was about to happen.

"Oh, this is gonna _suck…_ "

Sure enough, just as Ace began a "Hey, Luffy!", I felt a hand clamp down on my face with all the force of a hydraulic press before slamming me head-first into the hardwood floor.

Did it say bad things about the past few weeks that an impact that should have, by all rights, split my head like an egg only hurt a little more than a common bump?

Yes.

_Very much_ yes.

After a few moments of lying dazed on the ground, I slowly managed to work myself up into a sitting position, rubbing piteously at the goose-egg that was growing on my skull. "Owie..." I whimpered.

"Hey Cr'ss!" Luffy called up from behind me, his words thoroughly muffled by the excess of food in his mouth. "Why does th's guy seem so fam'liar?"

"Captain Smoker, the Marine from Loguetown," I informed him blearily as I gingerly poked at the swollen flesh on my skull. _Damn_ , that stung! "I'd say we're a bit out of his jurisdiction, but then again we are on World Government soil, so that point is moot."

"Oh, okay."

"Urgh... ow..."

Some groaning next to me prompted me to glance at Ace, who was slowly working himself up with a pained expression.

"Last time I let my Haki slip, even in Paradise..." he growled to himself before focusing on me. "Hey, you. You know my brother?"

"Uh-huh," I nodded before holding my hand out to him. "Jeremiah Cross, third mate, comms officer and tactician of the Straw Hat Pirates. Luffy's my captain."

Ace was about to respond...

"AHHH!" Luffy hollered fearfully, no doubt spraying half-chewed food all over Smoker as his neurons finally fired. " _TH'T_ SMOKEY GUY! WE GOTTA RUN, CROSS!"

When he was interrupted by Luffy's hand grabbing onto my shoulder.

I could _feel_ the blood drain out of my face. "Oh, no..."

" _HERE WE GO AGAIN!"_ Soundbite hollered as he snapped back into his shell.

And just like that, Luffy's arm went taut, yanking me through the air.

"AAAA—oh, hi Smoker!—AAAAAAAH!" I hollered as I was snapped back against Luffy, the moron dragging me along as he ran at what _had_ to be over a dozen miles per hour.

"Crapcrapcrapcrap, gotta run, gotta run, gotta run!" Luffy chanted frantically as he dashed through the streets.

I opened my mouth to say something... and promptly gurgled in horror when Smoker barreled out of the ruined restaurant, a veritable volcano of rage as he charged towards us. "Run faster! _Run faster!"_

"RUNNING FASTER!" Luffy concurred frantically.

"TASHIGI!" Smoker suddenly roared. "IT'S STRAW HAT AND CROSS! STOP THEM, NOW!"

I twisted my head around in order to glance over my shoulder and paled as I caught sight of Officer Tashigi falling into a ready stance. "RUN SOME OTHER WAY!"

"RIGHT!" Luffy nodded in agreement, snapping his arm out as Tashigi slashed at him and whipping us _up_ the side of a building, finally coming to a momentary halt on the roof before continuing. "That was close! How you doing, Cross?"

"My arm feels like it's about to be twisted out of its socket, my legs aren't in much better condition, and I think I'm going to either vomit, pass out, mutiny, or some unholy combination of all three," I gurgled miserably as the world spun around me. "But apart from that? I'm _greeeeat."_

" _Somebody_ STOP THE _**world,**_ **I wanna get off..."** Soundbite moaned blearily.

"So you're okay then! That's good!" Luffy laughed happily.

I threw an acrid glare his way. "Do you only listen to every other word I say or something!?"

Before Luffy could respond, he was interrupted by the _far_ too familiar sound of smoke billowing behind us. "WHITE SNAKE!" Smoker roared, flinging his nimbus-like limb out at us.

"OHSHIT!" I yelped, jerking my legs out of reach of the snapping white 'jaws' just in time. Holy _shit_ that was close! Credit where it was due, Smoker was admirably persistent! Well, if he wasn't chasing me and my captain.

"What are you doing here, Straw Hat? What's your goal!?" Smoker roared at us.

I dared to allow myself a faux-hurt expression. "Why, Captain, is it so unbelievable that we missed you so much that we sought you out simply for the pleasure of your company?"

"Huh? Really?" Luffy blinked at me in confusion. "I thought we were here so that we could kick Crocodile's ass?"

I shrugged helplessly. "Well that too, but honestly I consider that to be more a civic duty than a goal."

_That_ managed to bring Smoker up short, though he swiftly rallied and redoubled his attempts to recapture us. "What business does a wet-nosed rookie like you have with someone like Crocodile!?"

Intoxicated by the sound of my blood pounding in my ears, I barked out a laugh before jabbing a finger at the Marine. "Easy: we're doing the _founding premise_ of your job for you! Honestly, considering how we're doing this as a favor for the kingdom's heir apparent, I think _we_ might have even more right to be here than _you!"_

"Hair detergent?" Luffy tilted his head as he looked over his shoulder at me. "I thought that we were doing this for Viv— _ACK!"_

"HOLY—!"

_CRASH!_

That was all we managed to get out after Luffy mistimed one of his steps and fell into one of the gaps between the buildings whose rooftops we'd been crossing over.

"Whoops..." Luffy chuckled dizzily.

My opinion on what had just occurred was... conflicted. On the one hand, I'd just fallen from a three-story height and not only had I lived, but I was _ninety-five_ percent positive that I hadn't broken anything from the fall.

That was badass.

On the other hand... the general sensation my body was sending to my brain could be summarized as _ooooooowwww._

That... was not so badass.

"Luffy..." I ground out. "By any chance... have you ever heard the phrase... _look before you leap?"_

"Mmm... nope! Never! Why, is it important?"

"...no, it just explains _so_ much about you... still, at least today can't get much worse."

" _CROSS!"_ Soundbite barked in Nami's voice before he shifted to his own annoyed expression. " _ **You had**_ **to say it."**

I shrugged slightly, wincing at the ache it caused. "Honestly, I was mostly trying to just move things along. Anyways, what is it Nami?"

" _Cross..."_ our navigator snarled venomously. " _We were calmly doing our shopping in peace and quiet, minding our own business, until_ someone," I could all but taste the poison she put into the word. " _Whipped the_ battleship-load _of Marines in port into a frenzy._ What the hell did you morons do!?"

"In my defense, I plead innocence by act of Luffy," I deadpanned.

" _...alright, fair enough. So what the hell do we do now? Sneak back to the Merry or something?"_

"That _would_ be a viable solution..." I conceded before shaking my head with a sigh. "Save that Captain Smoker followed us all the way here from the East Blue and he's going to _keep_ following us, most likely all the way to the shores of Raftel. So really, what do you think the chances are that mere 'sneaking' will help us elude him?"

" _Then what's_ your _brilliant strategy for escape?"_

"K.I.S.S.: Keep It Simple, Stupid. Sometimes the simplest solution is the most effective. It's why people still use hammers, after all."

" _And the simplest solution would be...?"_

I winced slightly as I worked my neck back and forth, popping out a few unpleasant kinks. "Get ready to run."

" _...I_ wish _that didn't make so much sense."_

"You and me both," I sighed wearily.

"Uhhh... Cross?"

"Yeah Luffy?"

"Can we go now? Hiding is boring."

"Yeah, sure thing. Just, do you think you could drag me by somewhere else, please? My shoulder still hurts."

"Oh yeah, sure thing! Hey, Soundbite, which way's everyone else?"

" _Thattaway!"_ Soundbite crowed as he jabbed his eyestalks down the street.

"Perfect!" Luffy whooped as he jumped to his feet. "Come on, Cross, let's go!"

"Aye aye Cap- _ACK!"_ I squawked in panic as Luffy grabbed onto me again, thankfully not by my shoulder. Sadly, the new spot wasn't all the much better. "Nononono Luffy _wai-!"_

"YAHOO! FORWARDS!" Luffy roared as he barreled out of the alleyway, dragging me behind him by my ankle.

Once again, my opinion of this state of affairs was rather split.

The upside of the situation was that by being dragged by Luffy, I didn't have to push a hundred-and-ten percent from my legs in order to keep up with his insane speed, and thus I wasn't slowing him down.

The downside, of course, was that in my current position, sand was being blown straight into my ass with all the power of an industrial-grade snowblower. Hence, I was a bit... uncomfortable.

I huffed heavily as I crossed my arms, staring up at the sky contemplatively. "I am conflicted..." I mused to myself.

My conflict was brought to an end on account of my head suddenly bouncing off of a buried rock in the street, causing my everything to become _**pain.**_

**-o-**

"Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey Cross. Cross. Cross. Hey. Hey."

"Mmmrgrgh..." I groaned as I slowly came awake, cracking my eyelids open... and becoming aware of the fact that Luffy was poking me in the face.

"Are you sure he's still alive, Luffy?" I heard Ace ask from somewhere out of my field of vision.

"Yeah, I'm sure!" Luffy grinned. "Cross isn't a weakling! Well, he's _kind_ of a weakling, but he's been getting better... kind of? It's confusing."

" **NO,** _YOU'RE JUST_ **a moron!"** Soundbite cackled.

Deciding that enough was enough, I announced my return to the realm of the waking by shifting around... and promptly hissing in pain, wincing as I dug my hand under the back of my head. _Damn it,_ was the universe _trying_ to put a hole in the back of my skull!?"

"Oh hey, Cross, you woke up!" Luffy cheered enthusiastically. "How you feeling?"

I... will confess, I'm not _entirely_ sure what happened at that moment. Maybe I had heatstroke from the not inconsiderate amount of sun I'd been exposed to, maybe my temper finally hit a breaking point, or maybe I just went temporarily _insane._

In the end, the 'why' didn't matter.

THWACK! "MMPH!"

What _did_ matter was that my fist somehow ended up literally elbow-deep in Luffy's face.

I blinked in surprise as I processed what had just happened before yanking my arm experimentally. I could _feel_ the sweatdrop weighing on my head as my limb stayed stuck fast in my captain's head.

I shot a sheepish grin at Ace. "Ah... Luffy's skull is a bit thicker than I thought. Little help?"

Ace stared at me in shock for a second longer before throwing his head back and laughing his ass off. "HAHAHAHA! Oh _man,_ you really _are_ Luffy's crewmate! Only _he'd_ be crazy enough to recruit someone like you!"

"Yeah yeah, I'm a crazy son of a bitch worthy of the Grand Line, that's both a compliment and an insult. Now help me before Luffy asphyxiates! God knows that he didn't get enough air at birth as is..."

"Nah, I know for a fact Luffy chewed on the bars of his crib as a kid," Ace said with a grin.

A grin I matched. "Lead paint?"

"He swears up and down that it tasted like chocolate."

"'ut it 'id!" Luffy muffled out.

" **HOOHOOHOO** HAHAHA _HEEHEEHEE!"_ Soundbite cackled madly.

"But, ah, seriously though." I planted my foot on Luffy's shoulder and tugged, distending his face a bit but nowhere near enough. "Get. Me-!"

In a flare of flame, Ace was behind Luffy, grabbing the nape of his neck and yanking back, hard. Thankfully, the force was more than enough to release his face's grip on my arm with a _very_ satisfying _POP!_

"Thanks," I said, shaking my hand out in order to try and get some feeling back. "I was afraid we'd have to resort to our first mate's brand of back-alley surgery. I don't know about you, but I _like_ having two hands, thanks."

"That's… Roronoa Zoro, right?" Ace replied, still grinning. "Good choice there, Luffy."

"He's been training me, so my bruises and I _sorely_ beg to differ!" I jabbed my finger up pointedly.

"Heh, yeah, Zoro and everyone else on my crew is pretty great!" Luffy snickered as he rubbed a finger beneath his nose. He then clapped Ace on his shoulder. "I know I already said it, but it's really great to see you again, Ace! I've missed you a whole lot!" His face then twisted up in confusion. "But what the heck are you doing in Alabasta anyways? Cross told me that your new captain Whitestache-!"

"Beard!" Ace and I corrected with different degrees of heat.

"Whitebeard is on the other side of the world! How come you're so far away?"

_That_ question caused me to freeze up furiously.

" _ZEHAHAHAHA! WITH THIS POWER, I WILL BECOME THE KING OF THE PIRATES! ZEHAHAHA!"_

I shuddered heavily at the thought before waving my hand frantically. "Ah, before you answer that, mind if I say something?"

The brothers looked at me in confusion. "Uh... sure thing Cross, what is it?" Luffy tilted his head inquiringly.

Upon gaining the attention I'd been seeking, I promptly froze up. I knew that this day was gonna come eventually, but _damn_ if it being here didn't make it any easier. Nevertheless... it wasn't like I had any other choices. Not saying this would be just as bad as if I'd never said anything at all. Best to get it over with.

I bit my lip hesitantly before poking my fingers together sheepishly. "I... look, Luffy, what I'm about to say... chances are you're going to want to punch my head off my shoulders for it. And... you'd be well within your rights to do so. The both of you. Just... fair warning, alright?"

Luffy frowned in concern. "Cross, does this have anything to do with 'that'?"

I winced guiltily. "It's... it's a part of 'that' that I didn't tell. That I couldn't tell you until now, when Ace was around. I'm really sorry I didn't, but I swear I had my reasons. Good reasons, not like last time. Alright?"

Luffy pursed his lips in thought for a moment before nodding solemnly. "Okay, then. What is it?"

Ace, for his part, was looking at us like we were both crazy. "Uh... what are you talking about? What's 'that'? And Cross, what could you possibly—?"

"Over ten years ago, you and Luffy had a third brother named Sabo."

Ace's voice died in his throat as he stared at me as though I'd just grown a second head. Before he could say anything, however, I forged on.

"When you met him, he made himself out to be a street rat like you, but the truth was that he was an _ex-_ noble, emphasis on the word ex because for those who can't conform, life as a noble is hell, so he got the hell out of dodge. Despite not being related by blood, all three of you were _just_ as close, closer even. However, after the noble's plan to immolate Gray Terminal and everyone living within, Sabo decided to flee Goa Kingdom and set out on his own to be a pirate. Sadly, he left on the same day a World Noble arrived at the Kingdom. The Noble fired upon and destroyed his ship for the dual crimes of flying a pirate flag... and because Sabo cut off the Noble's ship with his own."

If I'd grown a second head before, I might as well have turned into Blackbeard then and there the way Ace was looking at me.

"How...?" he started to grind out before I cut him off with a raised hand.

"That part..." I said slowly, glancing at my captain, who'd angled his hat over his eyes. "Was the part that Luffy knew I knew. But what I'm about to say... this is the first he'll hear of it." _That_ got Luffy's attention if the eye he was looking at me with was anything to go by.

The temperature slowly started to crank up as Ace took a step towards me, angling himself so that he was standing in front of Luffy. "What are you talking about?" he asked menacingly.

I swallowed heavily, clenching my eyes shut along with every other muscle my body had available. This... was going to _hurt._

"Sabo is alive."

_SLAM!_

"GRK!" I wheezed out around the iron-hard grip that had grabbed my throat and _rammed_ me into the nearest wall available. Spots danced in my vision, but it was hard to tell whether they were from the minor concussion I was no-doubt starting to develop or from the flaming fingertips hovering mere _inches_ from my face.

" _Mother!"_ Soundbite yelped as he snapped back within his shell.

"I'm-not-lying-I'm-not-lying-I'm-not-lying-oh-dear-god-don't-kill-me-I'm-not-lying!" I babbled desperately, fighting to maintain what little control over my bladder I could manage. Honestly, I'd probably be laughing my ass off if doing so didn't guarantee a swift and fiery death by pissed-off-brother.

"Yeah, I bet," Ace growled viciously, the air around him starting to _very_ visibly shimmer. "It's a shame, I _actually_ thought you were a decent guy. Second time I've been wrong. Only this time, _you're not getting away."_

"Ace!" I dimly heard Luffy shout. "Let go of my Commie!"

"Luffy, you can't actually believe this shit, right?" Ace snarled. "Even you're not that gullible."

"Did anyone… find a… bo- _ARGH_?" I managed to wheeze out before Ace squeezed my windpipe shut.

"Don't you fucking _dare_ imply that!" he snapped. "He was blown to fucking bits! There was nothing-!"

"Ace, _ENOUGH!"_

"Luffy—!"

"Cross already lied to me once and he hated every second of it! He _wouldn't_ do it again! I _trust_ him!"

"But—! He's talking about _Sabo!"_

"He hasn't been wrong before, _and I trust him!_ Now let him go... or else."

Throughout this exchange, darkness had been slowly creeping up the edges of my vision. I was _just_ about to black out when Ace's grip loosened _just_ enough to let me gasp in a trickle of air.

"Talk fast."

"World Nobles can't shoot worth shit," I squeaked out, fighting to keep my increasingly muddled thoughts straight. "The bastard hit Sabo's boat, but he didn't hit Sabo. The reason no body was found was that there _was_ no body. He was _rescued."_

"By who?" Luffy asked hastily.

"The same people... who rescued the people of Gray Terminal... before they burned," I gasped out. "Dragon... Dragon and his Revolutionaries. Dragon rescued him, they nursed him back to health-!"

"Sabo would have come back if he was still alive!" Ace barked viciously.

"He didn't remember you— _literally!"_ I tacked on swiftly as the Fire-Man's fingers flared. "He didn't get out unscathed, he had amnesia, _has_ amnesia. The-The _only_ reason he knows his own name is that it was sewn into the lining of his hat! Everything before getting blasted was a blank!"

"Then why didn't they just take him back to Goa, huh? Why take him along!?"

I shook my head miserably. "Sabo's love for you was strong, but his hatred of Goa was stronger! Every fiber of his being screamed at him to not go back to Goa, and the Revolutionaries accepted! They took him with them! H-He's still with them, he's Dragon's chief-of-staff, _he's alive, I swear it!"_

Ace stared at me unreadably for a moment before _finally_ releasing me and stepping back, allowing me to slump against the wall as I hacked and coughed miserably, massaging my bruised and burnt throat all the while.

"Th-Thank y—!"

"Say it again."

I blinked in confusion as I looked up at him. "Wha—?"

And just like that, the words died in my throat... no, no that's not right. It wasn't anywhere near that simple. My breathing stopped, my heart stilled, my _soul_ withered... it wasn't just my words that died... _I_ died. For a brief, _brief_ moment... it was indescribable, really.

Where to start...

The sun, I guess, would be a good place.

Imagine it: a nuclear ball of flaming gas and plasma, massive and hot beyond all reason, beyond all sanity, all _imagination._ Imagine all that fire and heat and light and power...

Then imagine you, a meager, puny, _insignificant_ person, infinitesimally small on the cosmic scale... were standing in front of it.

Just... try and conceive of it: an absolute nothing like you... standing up against the might and power... of a fact. An absolute _fact_ of the cosmos.

Staring at Ace, at that moment... that was _exactly_ what it felt like. Absolutely, _legitimately_ what I felt like.

" **Say. It. Again,"** he _stated._

As shivers wracked every inch of my body, I became aware of the fact that at some point or another I'd fallen to my knees. Then I realized that I was crying. _Then_ I realized that Soundbite was lying K.O. on my shoulder, foam bubbling furiously out of his shivering shell. Finally... I managed to force myself to speak.

"I swear," I breathed. "I swear to God, I swear to the devil, I swear on my friends, I swear on my friendship with Luffy, I swear to _you._ Sabo is alive and well. _I did not, would not lie."_

And just like that, it was over, allowing me to collapse forward on all fours. I dry-heaved repeatedly as I grappled with my entrails.

Holy _fuck._ Welp, it was fucking official: Conqueror's Haki. _Never again._ Once was equivalent to a religious fucking experience, and Ace wasn't anywhere near the worst this world had to offer!

Then again, I'd gotten a close-range blast directed specifically at me. A more general burst was _probably_ not as bad.

… Now I kinda wonder what that would feel like.

... I _might_ have something of a problem.

"He's alive..."

"Huh?" I blinked at Ace in confusion.

The Second Division Commander was supporting himself against one of the walls, visibly fighting to stay upright. Honestly, if the joyous expression on his face was anything to go by, I couldn't find any fault with him.

"He's alive... Our brother's _alive!"_ he repeated to himself rapturously, tears of joy streaming down his face.

It was a true testament to Ace's will that as fast as he broke down, he managed to pulled himself back together. This was _especially_ fortuitous on account of how he was able to hastily tackle Luffy and force his mouth shut, keeping him from literally _bouncing_ out of the alley in his ecstasy.

"Quiet you idiot, do you want the Marines to hear you!?" he hissed frantically.

"Or Baroque Works for that matter, the town is _crawling_ with Billions!" I added. I grinned at the bemused look Ace shot me. "We're going up against Baroque Works, a top-secret criminal organization sowing unrest and anarchy in the kingdom."

Ace rolled his eyes with a sigh. "I should have figured. Who's the boss? Anyone I know?"

"IT'S GONNA BE _LUFFY_ **vs. CROCODILE!"** Soundbite whooped. " _ **Kickass TO THE MAX!"**_

_That_ got an impressed look out of Ace. "Barely even... what, a month?"

"Mmm-hmm!" Luffy mumbled out with a nod.

"Barely even a month and you already managed to piss off a Warlord. I don't know if that's a world record or a testament to your lucky stupidity."

"Eh, a little of column A, a little of column B, in my opinion," I waved my hand side to side.

"HA! Fair point!" Ace barked in agreement before looking down at Luffy. "Now then. I'm going to let your mouth go. Do you promise to _not_ shout loud enough that they'll hear you back home on Dawn Island?"

"Mm-hmm!" my captain nodded.

"He's lying through his teeth, of course," I deadpanned.

"Of course..." Ace sighed in agreement. "Alright, one, two—!" He removed his hand from Luffy's mouth-

"HE'S ALI— _grk!"_

And promptly squeezed Luffy's throat halfway shut. "Lower. _The volume!"_

" _He's alive!"_ Luffy choked out, sounding for all the world like a dying squeaky toy.

"Yes, he's alive!" I concurred wearily. "Now all we need to do is stay alive so that _you_ can live to see him. Sound good?"

Luffy blinked as he processed that before nodding reluctantly in agreement. He then tilted his head at me in confusion. " _Why didn't you tell me, Cross?"_

Ace let go of Luffy as he looked at me. "That's... a good point. Why _didn't_ you tell Luffy this earlier?"

I gave the pro-pirate a flat look as I pointed at the still-stinging burn-fingermarks on my throat. "Because if Luffy came up to you saying how I said Sabo was still alive, you'd have thought me some kind of con man trying to prey on the memory of your brother. After that, well..."

" _ **BURN, BABY, BURN!"**_

"Precisely," I nodded solemnly as I pointed at Soundbite.

Ace had the decency to adopt a sheepish look as he averted his eyes from me. "Ah... well... I... I'm not _that_ bad..."

"Nah, it's actually a good reason," Luffy nodded in agreement. "You'd totally do that."

"My thoughts exactly," I concurred.

" _PRETTY predictable!"_ Soundbite tacked on.

"Alright, alright, shut it, you jokers!" Ace huffed in embarrassment. "Anyways, shouldn't we be trying to get back to your ship? I'm assuming you know where it is," He directed the question at me.

"Outskirts of town, hidden in the outcroppings. Should be easy enough to find. Come on." I waved for them to follow me as I started to walk down the alleyway in the direction Soundbite jerked his eyestalks.

We calmly made our way through the back-alleys of Nanohana, doing our best to stick to the shadows and avoid the main streets. All the while, Ace and Luffy chatted animatedly as they caught up with each other. For the most part, I just stayed quiet and let them be. After all, this was between them, I had no right to intrude. Overall, it was shaping up to be a rather calm winding down of events...

Until Soundbite discretely bit me on the shoulder. " _Lotta guys_ WITH GUNS _and swords_ **coming our way.** _ **Not Marines,"**_ he hissed.

I clicked my tongue in annoyance. Billions. Damn it, and if Soundbite IDed them by their weapons, then that meant that there were doubtless more watching us _without_ weapons, ducking Soundbite's notice. Well, at least I couldn't complain about things being _boring,_ could I?

"Hey, Cross."

"Hm? Yeah, Ace?" I glanced over my shoulder at the New Worlder.

"Not that I don't appreciate what you've told us, but, well..." Ace spread his arms with a shrug. "How the _heck_ did you know everything you knew? I can accuse you all I want, but... there's just no way in hell you're from Goa, or Gray Terminal, or Dawn Island... in fact, I don't think you're from the East Blue, period. And I'm guessing from the way you were unconscious you don't have a Devil Fruit, so... how could you know about Sabo's existence in the first place?"

I hesitated as I considered whether or not to tell him then—I was going to tell him either way, it was just a question of when—before focusing on a pair of items ahead of me. I grinned eagerly as I jogged up to them. "I'll tell you what, Ace! I'll tell you how I know what I know once we get to the Merry, and some extra..." I spun around and held out two four-foot-long lengths of pipe to the brothers. "And in return, you guys show me how two-thirds of the Gray Terminal brothers get things done. Deal?"

Ace and Luffy blinked at me in confusion for a second... before visibly putting themselves into relaxed positions as I purposefully glanced at the rooftops.

"Sounds fair to me," Ace shrugged as he took one of the pipes, giving it a contemplative swing. "What about you, Luffy?"

"Weeell, it _has_ been awhile..." Luffy mused as he weighed the pipe in his hand. "I mean, I can hit a lot harder than this, you know?"

"What's wrong, little brother? Afraid you might be rusty after so long?" Ace teased.

"Heck no!" Luffy huffed indignantly. "I can kick anyone's ass any way any day! I'll kick the asses of the Baroque bastards trying to sneak up on us no problem!"

The air seemed to freeze around us as Luffy spoke those words.

Finally, Ace and I directed flat glares at him. "You moron," we chorused, each of us facepalming.

And just like that, things went _straight_ to pot as a half-dozen Billions jumped down, brandishing daggers, swords, and other sharp things. One of the Billions was even sporting spiked boots, of all things!

"No Devil Fruit abilities, okay, Luffy? We want to give these guys at least a sporting chance," Ace drawled nonchalantly as the Baroque Works agents fell.

"Sure!" Luffy said, grinning. "Wanna see who can take down the most?"

"You're on."

"Uh, guys?" I said nervously as the agents fell closer and closer.

I needn't have worried. With a mighty shout of "FORE!", Ace and Luffy swung their pipes, each of them hitting three agents and sending them flying over the buildings hemming us in.

"Who's next?" Ace taunted, tapping the pipe on his shoulder. The cocky grin on his face didn't diminish in the least as another pack of agents filled the ends of the alleyways, aiming pistols and muskets, with some sort of sword-armed leader in the back.

"Meet you there, Luffy?" Ace grinned.

"Sure!" Luffy replied, grabbing me by the waist and slinging me over his shoulder.

I sighed at the manhandling, but at this point I was pretty resigned to the fact. "Just remember that I'm _not_ bulletproof, okay?"

"Gotcha!" And with that, we were off.

Clearly, the agents had _not_ been expecting their prey to have the audacity to actually _attack_ them, because they just stared blankly as Luffy planted his sandal in the face of their leader and drove his head into the ground with a sickening crack. Behind me I could hear a similar, yet different crack that sounded suspiciously like a musket impacting a skull.

Sadly, the paralysis only lasted for a second before the agents whirled and aimed their guns back at us.

"They took out Billy!" one of them cried - actually cried, tears streaming down his cheeks and everything. "Get 'em!"

Too bad for them Luffy was already crouched right in the middle of their formation. A fact which was not terribly comforting as Luffy shifted his grip on me to a two-handed one.

"Luffy…" I said with mounting dread. "What are you-"

"Cross, go as rigid as you can," Luffy said softly, the shit-eating grin on his face not wavering a bit.

I felt the blood drain from my face. "Captain, don't you _fucking-_!"

My inner ears declared a revolution as Luffy swung me around like a polearm, my head slamming into the thankfully soft gut of one Billion as my feet hit the… well, somewhere in the torso. Then Luffy shifted his grip to my feet and slammed my shoulder blades into something once, twice, three times!

"Well, that went well," Luffy remarked as he carefully placed me down on the ground.

"Yeah, sure…" I mumbled as I wobbled around, trying to get my equilibrium. A task not helped by the massive bruise I just knew was spreading across my back and the pounding headache trying to turn my brain into mush. "Just use me as a ragdoll, it's not like I'm human, it's not like I have soft squishy bits that break when you hit things with them. It's not like-!"

" _Five-_ THIRTY!" Soundbite barked.

Acting on instinct, I whipped my right forearm up and behind my shoulder, taking _great_ satisfaction at the sound of snapping cartilage that rang out. I then proceeded to drop my arm down and jam my armored elbow into the bastard's gut. I topped it all off by spinning around and snapping my baton out in one motion, using the momentum to give the bastard what I hoped was a _very_ impressive concussion.

I grumbled darkly as I collapsed my weapon and slid it back into its place in my jacket. "Damn Baroque jackass, thinking that Fire-Fist _and_ Straw Hat could count as an easy target. Next in line for a number agent? Bull-fucking- _shit!_ And those guys you hit me with are mine too, jackass!" The last bit I directed at Luffy.

"Aww, but Cross—!" Luffy began to whine.

"You got _a dozen,_ let me have _some_ measure of pride!"

"Aww, let your third mate have some credit, Luffy!" Ace laughed as he walked back up to us, happily spinning his pipe at his side. "After all, a dozen or sixteen, it doesn't matter: it's nothing when compared to my twenty!"

Both Luffy and I deflated as we stared flatly at Ace.

"He's _really_ good at making someone feel insignificant, isn't he?" I asked flatly.

"You haven't seen anything yet," Luffy groaned. He then grinned as he hefted his pipe eagerly. "Still, either way, thanks a lot for suggesting this, Cross! It's been awhile since I used a pipe, I forgot just how fun it is!"

"Yeah, same here!" Ace laughed nostalgically. "Guess it goes to show that sometimes you need to get back to the basics!"

"Hey, if you've got a skill, best to use it instead of forget it, right?" I shrugged with a grin. "Well, anyways, if that's the last of them-"

"HEY! YOU! Yes, you, you bastards!" came a voice from up the street. We all turned our heads to see another pack of Billions, these ones manning a pretty large cannon. "You're going down, for my promotion, my comrades, and my promotion!"

"Christ on a pikestaff, how many of these guys does that sand bastard have?" I groaned.

" _The Millions are 1800 strong, while the Billions are 200 strong,"_ Soundbite recited in Vivi's voice.

"Oh, right..." I groaned wearily. "Well, where do you think he got all these guys, then? Thugs-R-Us?"

"Funny you should mention that, that's the name of a bar back in the outskirts of Goa!" Ace commented. "Great atmosphere, but the clientele's a bit-"

"STOP IGNORING US, DAMMIT!" the lead Billion finally yelled, pulling the string trigger and firing the cannon straight at Ace, Luffy and I being largely out of the line of fire.

"So, does he forfeit his points if he turns into fire?" I asked Luffy.

"I say yes," Luffy replied.

"Don't count your winnings just yet," Ace countered, still smirking. "I've got something I wanna try."

Holding up his arms, Ace _caught_ the cannonball, letting his arms carry the ball to his chest.

And then he was promptly blown back a few dozen feet into a stack of barrels by the momentum transfer.

"Ow," Ace groaned as he hauled himself out of the pile. "Damn it, how does Gramps do that?!"

"HAHAHAHAHA!" I cackled eagerly, doubling over and slapping my knee. "Oh, that was _priceless!"_

"Huh?" Luffy blinked in confusion as he looked at Ace. "What're you guys talking about?"

I fought to get my laughter under control as I pointed at Ace. "H-he was trying to act like Garp and catch the cannonball! But he failed _miserably!_ HAHAHA!"

"Ooooh..." Luffy nodded slowly in understanding.. before falling on his back and _roaring._ "HAHAHAHAHAAAAA! THAT'S HILARIOUS! HAHAH—ERK!"

Both Luffy and I froze as a wave of heat and _presence_ swept over us.

"I suggest you _all_ start running. _Now,"_ Ace snarled viciously.

Luffy and I glanced at one another for a moment... before taking to our heels and bolting out of the alleyway, leaving the paralyzed cannon-wielding Billions where they were standing.

If the screams of agony that followed us were any indication, _they_ didn't manage to escape ground zero.

"So, to confirm, where before mentioning his daddy issues would get me a beating, now they'll get me charbroiled?" I panted desperately.

"Looks like it!" Luffy nodded in agreement. "Now less talking, _more running!"_

And so we ran, tearing through the backstreets of Nanohana as we made our way back to our friends.

**-o-**

"So. Luffy."

"Eeyup," Luffy nodded in acknowledgment.

"Cross."

"Yo," I drawled, flashing a peace sign.

"Soundbite."

" **DAT'S MY NAME,** _don't wear it out,"_ Soundbite deadpanned.

"Ace, right?"

"Milady," Ace tipped his hat respectfully.

"So!" Vivi clapped her hands together with a sense of finality. "You all got separated from us in the confusion and had to make your way back to the Merry, which you successfully accomplished, right?"

"Yup."

" **Uh-huh!"**

"Right."

"That is correct."

"And you had to fight your way past a rather… sizable force of Billions, correct?"

"A little over... what, sixty by the end of it, all told? Maybe more? Either way, Baroque Works has lost the cream of its crop below the Agents," I summarized.

"Mmhmm, I see..." Vivi nodded solemnly. "And you also had more than a few clashes with the Marines, correct?"

"They kept running into us, so we had to kick their asses, yeah," Luffy nodded.

"I see, I see..." Vivi nodded anew. "All this, I understand perfectly well. It all makes sense, it's perfectly logical... I just have one question for you four."

She jabbed a finger off the side of the Merry at the inferno that was still raging in the heart of Nanohana. "WHY THE HELL IS THE CITY ON _FIRE!?"_

Luffy and I pointed at Ace, a motion Soundbite mimicked with his eyestalk. "He did it," we chorused without remorse.

"Guilty as charged, my temper kind of got the better of me. Sorry?" Ace chuckled sheepishly.

If the way the rest of the crew facepalmed and Vivi's scarlet face steadily darkened to _purple,_ that apology was neither the appropriate answer, nor was it appreciated.

Still, as it was, we were already ten feet deep. Why not burrow in deeper?

"If it's any consolation..." I spoke up tentatively. "There _is_ a bright side. Besides the flames, I mean."

At that moment, I became acutely aware of just how 'royal' Vivi was. After all, only someone with a _lot_ of perrsonal authority at her fingertips could successfully make someone flinch by merely _looking_ at them. "What. Bright side?" she ground out.

"Weeell..." I shrugged carelessly. "Now when Mr.2 and the Mr. 1 team burn the city to the ground, they'll cause a lot less damage? Because, you know, the fire already did most of the-!"

THWACK!

"-GAH!" I cried out as my head snapped back from the blow. I hastily pinched my nose shut as I felt a hot liquid run down my chin. "Son ob a-! You know, for a bacivist, you've god a _mean_ punch! Also, for fug's sake, why is everyone going bor my head today?!"

"Is there anything _else_ you'd care to mention about Baroque Works' plans?" Vivi hissed irately.

I froze for a moment before glancing up at her. "Bomb cabable of ebiscerating all ob Alubarna hidden in da Sand-Sand Clan's headquarters?"

Vivi's eye twitched furiously for a moment until she let out a tired sigh and pinched the bridge of her nose. "Remind me why you're not telling us these pertinent things until we ask again?"

"Begause- Ergh, one second..." I pinched my unclogged nostril shut and blew a wad of blood and mucus out the other. "Ah, that's much better. Anyways, it's because A. Luffy would get pissed if I blabbed, and B. things worked out fine when they happened without my involvement. If I can make some things better, fine, but as for the rest, my personal opinion is thus: _Laissez les bon temps rouler."_

"Normal people don't consider rebellions 'good times', Cross," Vivi groaned as she massaged her aching temples.

"For the record, just how much has your presence changed already?" Sanji put in.

"Mmm, let's see..." I started counting off on my fingers. "I got Bartolomeo to go out to sea at _least_ two years early, I've been talking shit with Smoker, that's gotta be doing something, I kept Luffy from snapping off Merry's main mast, I kicked Whiskey Peak off early, the Little Garden Affair was, well, the Little Garden Affair, and I took Nami's place at Death's doorstep." I glanced at Soundbite. "Am I forgetting anything?"

The snail rolled his eyes with a sigh. " _Besides the obvious? No, you got it all."_

Ace whistled in awe. "Okay, I'll be the first to admit: that's impressive. _I'd_ think you were me!"

" _Thank you!"_

"So, moving on?" I queried innocently.

"Just..." Vivi held her hand up with a sigh. "Are you not mentioning anything else, Cross?"

"Why? It's not like my actions will slowly and irreversibly change everything I know," I snarked, before freezing and facepalming as I processed what I'd just said. "Okay, in my defense, I've taken a lot of blows to the head today." I held my position for a moment as I thought things over before looking Vivi dead in the eye.

"No, I am not neglecting to mention anything else," I calmly lied through my teeth. "Now, can I go and clean the blood off my... everything? Seriously, I've got at least a liter on me that isn't mine and a pint that is."

Vivi sighed in relief and nodded, waving her hand for me to go.

The second I was behind her back, I shot a _look_ at Nami and Zoro. If the stares I got back were anything to go by, they understood perfectly that we needed to talk later.

And they weren't the only ones I had to talk to. Once I was sure the trapdoor to the guys' room was shut, I tapped my ear. "Ace, and keep it quiet." A moment's wait and I heard the whine. "Get away from everyone when you can and meet me down here, quietly. We need to talk."

It was a true testament to Ace's skills and abilities as a Logia when, ten minutes later, a stream of fire slid through the Going Merry's planks and into the room, swiftly solidifying into a familiar corporeal form.

I glanced up at the planks contemplatively before whistling in awe. "Damn, and not even so much as a scorch mark. It's official: while the overconfident idiots might die young, true-blue New World-grade Logia are _terrifying."_

"Thanks for the compliment," Ace nodded gratefully. "Now then, you wanted to talk?"

I winced and started scratching the back of my head uncomfortably. "Yeah... listen, Ace... fair warning: you're going to want to turn me into a briquet just as much as before, and with just as much reason. But this time... I am begging you to hear me out."

Ace stared at me silently for a second before tilting his hat down solemnly. "That bad?"

"Perhaps even worse."

The Division Commander was silent for a moment before nodding. "I'm a mature adult, I can take it. Hit me."

"Right, right..." I pursed my lips before sighing and speaking. "Alright, I'll make this short and sweet: you need to either _seriously_ rethink your strategy for dealing with Blackbeard or abandon this crusade flat out, because if you _don't_ , then I guarantee you that you, Whitebeard, and the Whitebeard Pirates as a crew _will die."_

Ace visibly _flinched,_ the temperature of the room spiking as he visibly _fought_ against his entire being in an attempt to keep from jumping across the room and doing _something_ unspeakable to me. He fumed silently for a moment before glaring darkly at me. "Talk fast."

I sighed in _immense_ relief before hastily collecting my thoughts and dredging up the argument I'd come up with. "Marshall D. Teach might seem like a fat bastard, and he really _is_ one, but the truth of the matter is that he's a fat bastard who is leaps and bounds above your weight class. He's a genius tactician capable of utilizing grand strategy and... I think game theory? Point is, his mind is as vicious as his powers, and the Dark Dark fruit is terrifying enough as it is. If you try and take him on in a straight fight, you will get your ass _handed_ to you."

Ace opened his mouth, to say something, but I swiftly held my hand up. I then slowly pointed at my left eye. "He scarred Shanks," I stated firmly. " _Before_ he got his Devil Fruit. Before Shanks lost his freaking _arm._ Whether it was before or after Shanks became an Emperor, I don't know, and in the end, it doesn't matter. To this day, Shanks is wary of him. He's even going to go to Whitebeard, with a _gift,_ in order to get him to order you back. Whitebeard will refuse... and that will be a fatal mistake."

Ace swallowed heavily as he mulled what I said over. "How... how will him killing me do anything but bring the Whitebeards down on his head?"

I bowed my head solemnly. "Because he won't kill you. He'll hand you over to the Marines so as to become a Warlord. He becomes a Warlord, he gains access to Impel Down. He gains access to Impel Down, he gains access to a _meat market_ of the vilest, evillest, most down and out monstrous specimens of humanity this world has to offer. He'll have access... to the perfect members of his crew.

"Do you see what I'm saying here? The Marines _will_ try and execute you. They will effectively declare _war_ on Whitebeard, and he will respond with gusto. That fight will rock the world to its core, to its very _foundation._ It will be known as the War of the Best, and it will change the very face of this planet. All because Blackbeard wanted a recruitment drive. Do you _really_ think that you can deal with someone like that alone and come out on top? That anybody can!?"

Mercifully, Ace's expression showed the appropriate amount of fear. Unfortunately, however, he also had a glint of stubborn, stupid, _brain-dead_ pride and duty in his eyes that made me curse furiously.

"Son of a—! For the love of God, man, _you died in Luffy's fucking arms!"_

_That_ got a jolt out of him. "No no no, you _can't_ let him get close to that kind of a shitshow, you need to stop him—!"

"Stop him!?" I demanded, flinging my arms out wide. " _I_ need to stop him!? Impel Down couldn't stop him, the full force of the fucking _Marines_ couldn't stop him, _nothing_ stopped him from getting to you, from rescuing you! He fought as long and hard as he could until you were home-fucking-free! What the hell do you think _I_ could do to stop that!?"

Ace made to respond, then hesitated. "Wait... if we were really home free, then how—?"

"You were killed by the exact same thing that's driving you headfirst to death now!" I snarled as I jabbed him in the chest. "Lethal amounts of _fucking bullshit pride!_ You couldn't stand listening to Akainu badmouth Whitebeard, you couldn't suck it up for _ten fucking seconds_ and you died because of it!"

The Flame-man's face screwed up in anger. "Hey, Whitebeard-!"

"Yes, Edward Newgate is practically a living saint. I know that, you know that, a majority of the freaking _New World_ knows that!" I spat. "And the words of an arrogant, vile _blowhard_ of a volcano will never, _ever_ do anything to change that! And because you couldn't accept that, because you had so little faith in your captain, your _father..."_ I snarled directly in Ace's face. "You died. In Luffy's. _Arms._ He blacked out and went on a grief-stricken rampage for almost a day! Sabo read about it in a newspaper, remembered everything, and went into a coma for _three!"_

Ace opened his mouth—

_FWOOSH!_

—and I reduced it to a cloud of flames as I whiffed my hand through it. It didn't hurt him, but at least it shut him up.

"Luffy blamed himself," I hissed irately, _so_ far past the point of calm at this point. "He fucking _blamed himself._ He _questioned_ himself. He said he was _weak._ He questioned... how someone as weak as him... could ever be King of the Pirates."

That did it. I could see it in Ace's eyes: the hurt, the shock, the misery... I hadn't managed to kill the flame of vengeance, no, I had no illusions of that... but at least now there was a seed of doubt in his determination, one that he _couldn't_ ignore.

Ace was deathly silent for what felt like an eternity before looking at me with a mix of emotions. "I can't let Blackbeard go free," he stated, though this time it was more with resignation than conviction.

I resisted the urge to punch him again in favor of sighing in relief at what progress we'd made. "And honestly, that's fine by me. I want that bastard as dead as you do. Just... all I'm asking is that you go in neither half-cocked... nor alone. Call in the rest of the Whitebeards, find Sabo in the Revolutionaries and ask Dragon for help, swing by Fishman Island and talk to Jinbei, call in favors from Big Mom, Kaidou, Shanks, hell, call _Garp_ for backup if you need to, just get some freaking help! If you fight alone, then you're screwed. If you fight with someone at your side..." I spread my arms helplessly. "I can't guarantee victory, not against him... but I can at least say with confidence that you stand a _chance._ Get me?"

Ace contemplated things for a second before nodding slowly. "Whitey Bay and Squardo are both maneuvering on this side of the Red Line, raiding trade ships heading to Mariejois." He grimaced uncomfortably. "It'll take awhile for them to backtrack this far into Paradise, Blackbeard's trail could grow cold..."

I hid my wince at Squardo's name with a disgusted sneer. "Believe me, the trail Teach leaves behind is a mile wide and scorched to hell and back. You won't miss it anytime soon. And if you really want to be sure, I can give you the island he'll probably be on by the time you get everyone together."

Ace's eyebrows shot up in shock. "That... would definitely help, yeah."

I nodded in agreement and started racking my brain. "It's, ah... ah geez, it was a minor location, not that important, um... it had an old-western style to it, wooden buildings and whatnot, the people were wearing cowboy hats and ponchos, I think. I... think it was named like a fruit?"

"Banaro Island?" Ace asked slowly.

I snapped my fingers in triumph. " _That's_ the one! He'll be there when—well, no unnecessary spoilers, captain's orders, but suffice to say that when Luffy's bounty skyrockets—a second time, anyways—Blackbeard will be on Banaro Island. _That's_ where you can find him and the other monsters following him."

Ace's grin became truly _vicious._

"Hey, hey!" I jabbed my finger up firmly. "No going after him until _after_ Whitey and Squardo are with you, Ace. If you face him alone, I _guarantee_ you that your days on this planet will be numbered. Understand?" I didn't wait for him to respond. "Swear to me on your pride as a Whitebeard Pirate that you won't go after him alone, Ace."

"Hey, I—!"

" _Swear it!"_ I demanded.

Ace grimaced painfully for a moment before nodding solemnly. "I... I swear on my pride that I won't go after Blackbeard alone. Happy?"

I nodded and smiled contentedly. "Very much so. Now, let's rejoin everyone else on deck, shall we? Oh, and please, use the ladder. I know your control is impressive, but this is still a wooden ship."

Ace nodded in agreement and promptly scaled the ladder.

The second he pushed the hatch open, I snapped my fingers. "Amp." And there was the whine. " _Hey Luffy, just FYI, if Ace tries to fight Blackbeard alone, then I can guarantee you that he's gonna die!"_ I cocked an eyebrow at the betrayed look Ace shot me. "What? I never swore jack shit, and if I lie to my crew then it's for a reason I've guaranteed is a good one. Your dumbass macho pride sure as hell doesn't count."

"Oh you son of a-!" Before Ace could finish his sentence, Luffy grabbed him by his shoulders and yanked him out.

I chuckled as I listened to Luffy wail and rage furiously up above. Ahh, brotherly love. Too bad my only sibling was a snot-nosed shit who I _far_ from missed, but eh, that was neither here nor there.

I blinked as a thought struck me. "HEY, ACE!" I called up. "IF YOU'VE GOT TIME, THINK YOU COULD LEAVE US SOME INSTRUCTIONS ON A HAKI TRAINING REGIMEN? OH, AND I MEAN ALL THREE! LUFFY'S GOT _THAT ONE_ TOO!"

Maybe it was wishful thinking, but I was _pretty_ certain that the string of curses Ace shot at me was an affirmative.

I shot a satisfied grin at Soundbite. "I think that went pretty damn well, all things considered. You?"

" **We ain't** _ **COOKIN' WITH EVIL GAS**_ _in our own skins._ I'LL TAKE IT!" Soundbite nodded in agreement.

"In-deed, my friend, in-deed," I nodded back, a relaxed grin on my face. "Today... is a good day."

**-o-**

" _YOU GRAVEL-MUNCHING SALT-HUFFING MARINE-LOVING RAT-BASTARD!"_ I roared furiously at Ace's form as it departed into the sunset. That fucking asshat had just fucking _screwed_ me, and after all I'd done for him too!"

"I don't see what you're so upset about, Cross," Zoro mused as he stood next to me, looking over the paper Ace had spent a full five minutes poring over, one I had _really_ pinned a lot of hopes on. "These instructions make sense to me."

I shot a vicious glare at the swordsman. To be specific, I tried to immolate the paper he was holding with both my mind and my eyes. "Oh yeah, they're spot on, alright!" I growled as I snatched the paper out of his hands. "Color of Observation," I tore the paper in two. "Listen really hard! Color of Armament," I tore it into quarters. "Concentrate _willpower_ really hard! Conqueror's _fucking_ spirit!?" I jabbed the paper at Soundbite, allowing him to shred it into _fragments._ "'HELL IF I KNOW, I'VE ALWAYS JUST GONE WITH MY FUCKING _GUT!'_ RAAAAAAGH!"

"So I take it you're angry," Zoro summarized flatly.

I opened my mouth to shout more... then clicked it shut as I heard a sound that was a _lot_ like barking coming from the coastline we were anchored to. I grinned viciously as I wheeled around, tore across the deck and _leapt_ overboard at the first dugong I caught sight of. "HELLO GUILT-FREE TARGET!" I roared.

As was to be expected, I got my ass kicked, _hard._ But, in my defense, I'm _fairly_ certain that lasting three minutes against a species that has the words 'kung fu' as part of their name is at least _remotely_ decent. The way the dugong was shaking his head and nursing a few bruises of his own was pretty gratifying, though.

I winced slightly as I peeled myself off the rocks before shooting a savage grin at the animal. "Not bad... best two out of three?"

The dugong blinked at me in surprise before shooting back a grin of his own. "Bring it on, fu!" he huffed in a halfway stereotypical Chinese accent.

I shot a _look_ at Soundbite. "That's racist." If the way he laughed was anything to go by, then he couldn't give an absolute damn.

However, before we could truly get back into a brawl, the dugong's attention was diverted by more pressing matters. More specifically, by Luffy _pummeling_ another dugong into the ground with a single blow.

"Holy crap, he just took down the chief, fu!" the dugong I'd just fought breathed in awe.

"He must be an amazing warrior, fu!"

"We must learn from him, jutsu!"

"The hell happened to the 'fu'!?" I wondered, more to myself than anyone else.

"Please teach us, master, fu!" a crowd of dugongs asked Luffy as they bowed before him.

"Oh, no..." Vivi groaned miserably as she slapped her hand to her face.

"Don't worry, I've got this," I reassured her before stepping in front of Luffy and addressing the animals. "Honorable kung-fu dugongs! While on any other day there would be no issue with Luffy training you all in how to fight, I am afraid that now is _not_ the time! We have urgent business in Yuba, which is situated in the center of the desert! You're all hardy, of that I have no doubt, but not even _you_ can pretend to fare well against the ravages of the sands, can you?"

The dugongs milled about uneasily as they talked amongst themselves.

"Besides," I went on with a shrug. "The fact of the matter is that you wouldn't get much use out of training with Luffy anyway. His fighting style is dependent upon his Devil Fruit, and his strength is a product of his lifestyle! If you truly want to become stronger, then it's my opinion that you'll need to see about leaving where you feel most safe and venturing out into uncharted waters. Quite literally!" I jabbed my thumb at the Going Merry. "Personally, I suggest a skull and crossbones. That would all but _guarantee_ you a slew of challenges the likes of which you've never even dreamt of."

More murmuring from the dugongs, though this sounded a lot more positive than before.

I grinned eagerly at the discussion I was hearing, and not even the exasperated stare Nami was giving me was doing much to dampen my mood. "Seriously?" she asked in a deadpan. "The guys told me about Bartolomeo; what is it with you and trying to make people pirates?"

I shrugged with a chuckle. "Hey, in my honest opinion, the more people who oppose the World Government even tangentially, the better. 'Sides..." I frowned slightly. "This isn't just pleasure, it's business: a long-term investment. With or without the War of the Best, the world is _still_ winding up. Big players are bracing themselves, weapons are getting primed and readied... end of the day, a storm _is_ coming in the long run, and the more people we have on our side, the better. And if Bartolomeo or these guys can make it," I nodded at the dugongs. "Then they'll be invaluable in the future."

Nami hummed contemplatively as she looked the animals over. "It's a hell of a gamble."

"Yeah, but if it's not high-stakes then it's not fun. Now, if you'll excuse me..." I cleared my throat and regained the dugong's attention. "Now then, if you _still_ want some form of instruction or training, I can gladly give it to you!" I pointed at our ship. "That vessel is the Going Merry! She's very important to us, and we would greatly appreciate it if you were to take care of her for us. If at all possible, I'd request that you tow her up the Sandora River and guard her from all trespassers who might seek to do her harm! Agreed?"

Another brief moment of conference, followed by the dugongs pumping their fists with a cheer of "AYE-AYE, FU!"

And that was that. The rest of the crew worked on removing our supplies from the Merry while the dugongs got ready to start towing.

Once I was sure that no one was looking, I tapped one of them on their shoulder and bent down next to it discreetly. "If a man wearing women's clothes comes looking for the Merry, let him on board. He'll say he's a friend and he won't be lying. Got it?"

The dugong nodded in acknowledgement. "I'll spread the word, fu."

I nodded gratefully at him before wandering over to the rest of the crew. "So!" I grinned as I clapped my hands. "Shall we go?"

"Yeah!" Luffy started to nod before stiffening. "Ah! No, wait, I almost forgot something!"

We rolled our eyes in exasperation as Luffy jumped back onto the Merry, rummaging around for something before finally jumping off, a giant grin plastered on his face. "Okay, now we can go!"

Everyone else stared at the prize Luffy had affixed to his back while I merely grinned in acknowledgement. "Back to the most basic of the basics, huh?"

Luffy chuckled as he reaffirmed his grip on the pipe he had slung across his back. "Yup! I forgot how much fun it was to use before, so I don't want to forget again, you know?"

"Fair enough!" I nodded in agreement.

"Well, if that's everything..." Vivi turned and started walking into the desert. "It's best we get started. It's a long ways to Yuba."

And so we started our trek, marching through the sands and heat.

I made sure to slow my pace enough that I trailed at the back of our little caravan. I didn't have to wait long before Nami and Zoro joined me in turn.

"What didn't you tell Vivi, Cross?" Nami asked me under her breath.

I shook my head solemnly. "Vivi expects to find a thriving oasis and over six hundred thousand rebels who she can talk down." I sighed heavily. "What awaits us is a dried out husk of a town and one stubborn old man."

Zoro grunted darkly. "And where would the rebels be now?"

"Katorea. A small trading town north of Nanohana."

"What!?" Nami hissed incredulously as she grabbed my shoulder. "Why didn't you tell her!?"

"Because Vivi thinks that Crocodile's plan is merely a venomous snake whose head she can cut off when in reality it's anything _but,"_ I shot back. "The truth is that Crocodile's spent years developing and growing a full-blown _hydra._ We cut off the head, two more will pop up in its place, ready to bite us in our asses. Sure, Vivi could _easily_ talk down Kohza, but that wouldn't do any _good._ There are Baroque Works soldiers in the rebels _and_ the royal army alike, so even _if_ we got either side to roll over and unconditionally surrender, those sleeper agents would just open fire and start everything up again.

"If we really, _really_ want this whole mess to end, then there's only one viable option. One possible way to well and truly kill a hydra: burn the stumps, stab the heart, grind its core to _dust."_

"Or, in other words," Nami said slowly, looking like she'd bit into a lemon. "Luffy's plan is the right one."

"Kick Crocodile's ass and dismantle his organization," Zoro summarized flatly.

"Not even that complicated," I shrugged. "Crocodile's arrogant as all hell. He doesn't think it's possible for him to lose and he's structured Baroque Works in such a manner. We take him down, everything else will grind to a halt without him. It's _that_ easy."

"But Vivi won't accept it because people will get hurt..." Nami stated as she stared at her friend's back.

"Because _we'll_ get hurt, Nami, no need to sugarcoat it," I corrected her. "And frankly, that's not her call. We've come this far, and we'll go as far as we need to to see this done."

Zoro nodded in agreement before giving me a sidelong glance. "Vivi won't be happy, you know."

I shook my head with a flat tsk. "If her anger is the price of a thousand thousand lives, then I'm more than willing to pay it."

"Fair enough," Zoro shrugged.

"I suppose..." Nami sighed. "In the end, I guess it's _your_ mess... still, I do have _one_ question."

"Hm?" I glanced at her curiously.

Nami gave me a flat glare as she held up the edge of her coat and displayed a rather... _form fitting_ outfit, if I did say so myself.

" _HUBBA HUBBA!"_ Soundbite whooped eagerly.

"Personally, I think you're more an autumn than... what is that, a winter? But eh, it looks good either way," I grinned cheekily.

Nami snarled darkly as she let her robes drop. "What the _hell_ were you thinking when you all but told Sanji to _specifically_ get these outfits!?"

My grin widened a few molars. "I appreciate Alabasta's rich culture?" THWACK! "Agh, bitch!" I winced and clutched my throbbing arm. "Why are you so annoyed anyways!? You didn't mind that much in the story!"

"And if it was just Sanji being Sanji, I _wouldn't_ mind!" Nami snarled. "But now that _you're_ involved in this, it's a _whole_ different paradigm! Now _talk!"_ She brandished her fist menacingly.

"Alright, alright, geeze!" I held my hands up in surrender. "If you really _must_ know..." I drew myself up and gave her the most solemn look I could manage. "The outfits you and Vivi are wearing? They are _directly_ intertwined with the fate of Alabasta. Should you not wear them, then all is lost."

Nami blinked in surprise before looking down at herself contemplatively. "Well... alright. If you say so."

And with that, she accelerated slightly and got back into the midst of our group.

I held my solemn expression for all of ten seconds before allowing myself to grin like a madman.

"That outfit isn't important at all, is it," Zoro grunted.

"Oh, it is, it is!" I hastily reassured him. "Just..." My grin widened further. " _Not_ for the reasons she thinks."

Zoro and Soundbite chuckled in amusement.

"I don't know why I expected anything less, Cross."

" _She gon'_ **keel** YOU, _**boi!"**_

"Ah, but what a way to go..."

"Gaaaah, it's _hoooot!"_

We were drawn out of our conversation by Luffy letting out a piteous whine.

"How much longer is it gonna be until we get there?"

"I'm afraid it's going to be a while, Luffy," Vivi stated with a sigh. "All we can do is keep going forwards."

"Take heart, captain!" I reassured Luffy as I jogged up to him and patted him on his shoulder, staring out into the desert. "It's going to be long and hard, but none can deny the truth: we're on the last leg of our journey. At this point, nothing can stop us now."

Luffy was silent for a moment as he contemplated that. As he stared out into the vastness. Stared into the future, stared at the war to come. The struggle that lay before us.

"...but it's still going to be long and hot, huh?"

"As though Ace were punishing us from on high."

"Awwww..."


	18. Chapter 18

### Chapter 18: Chapter 17: Alabasta's Plight! Truths Harsher Than The Desert Sun!

### Chapter Text

"Hooooot..."

"We know, Luffy..."

"Sooo hooot..."

"We know."

"I'm out of sweeeeat..."

"WE KNOW!"

I sighed and wiped my forehead. However repetitive, damn if Luffy wasn't right. It was _stupid_ hot, and worse, it wasn't the kind of heat I was used to. Florida was hot, sure, but at least the humidity kept you _somewhat_ hydrated. Here in Alabasta? Not only was it even _hotter_ than Florida, which I almost hadn't believed possible, it was _dry_ heat. It was like an oven, and much like a cake, I could almost feel myself drying out.

Still, at least I was better off than the rest of the crew.

"Uuuuuuuugh…"

Especially Chopper. Poor guy was entirely out of commission, lying on one of the sleds. It certainly didn't help that he smelled _disturbingly_ delicious as well.

I winced as my foot slipped slightly in the sand as I tried to balance the share of supplies I was carrying. I was _especially_ cursing the fact that I had had the foresight to grab the water from Luffy. Upside, we wouldn't dry out like raisins. Downside? Holy _shit_ this stuff was stupid heavy!

When I'd mentioned that to Zoro, he'd just laughed and said it was good training. It'd taken Vivi and Usopp's combined efforts to keep me from breaking the cask over his skull. Apparently _they_ didn't think dehydration was a worthy price like I did.

"I hope we reach those crags soon, or else I'm going to use _someone's_ skin to make a freaking tent..." I growled to myself.

" _ **I'LL HELP!"**_ Soundbite hollered in agreement, his voice only _slightly_ muffled by the water barrel. I'd been forced to stash him there within a few minutes of us hitting the desert. It was either that or listen to a _third_ rerun of 'Disco Inferno', and I was _not_ going to going through that again if I could help it.

"Don't worry Cross, you'll be fine," Vivi patted my shoulder reassuringly. "I know the desert might _seem_ daunting, but there's really nothing to fear."

I started to absentmindedly nod in agreement. Then I froze as I actually _heard_ what she said. My eye twitched furtively for a scant moment before I turned my head to shoot a sickly grin at the princess.

"Nothing... to fear... in the desert," I repeated slowly. "Is that right? Is that what you just said?"

Vivi blinked in confusion at my tone. "Um... yes, that's right, why?"

I immediately came to a halt as I grabbed the collar of her cloak.

"Nothing, nothing at all, absolutely _nothing_ to fear whatsoever- LUFFY, DON'T EAT THAT!" I barked viciously.

"I wasn't doin' nuffin'!" Luffy mumbled out around his stuffed cheeks until Sanji kicked his stomach and forced him to spit our supplies out. "JERKS!"

"So again, to reiterate," I glared at Vivi viciously. "Nothing, is that right?"

"Ah..." Vivi leaned away from me, confused and nervous in the face of my vehemence. "Yes, nothing! Why? What's this about!?"

It might have been the heat playing holy hell with me, but I swear that I felt _something_ snap in the back of my mind then and there as I plastered a _thoroughly_ sickly grin on my face. "Ooooh, nothing, nothing..." I crooned sweetly. "I'm just thinking that the story I read must have been in a _different_ desert. After all, such a _safe_ desert such as this one wouldn't have such dangers as hallucinogenic cacti that could throw Luffy into a rampage, hmm?"

Vivi blinked in confusion for a moment before stiffening slightly with a stricken expression. "Ah..."

"Nor would this fine, _fine_ ecosystem house such deadly, _deadly_ creatures as the spider known as the Desert Strawberry, hmmmm?"

Sweat started coursing down Vivi's face, and it had legitimately _nothing_ to do with the heat. "I, um, ah..."

"And of course, those vicious, _vicious_ Bandit Birds that con people, ah, no, not people," I jabbed my finger at Luffy. " _Suckers,_ birds that con _suckers,_ out of their supplies and leave them to _die of starvation,_ must be from the _other_ Alabastan Kingdom, HMM?"

Vivi's expression started to take on a sickly blue tone. "I-I-I, ah, t-that is to say-!"

"And of course, the TEN-TON MAN-EATING LIZARD MONSTERS THAT BURY THEMSELVES IN THE FUCKING SAND MUST BE AS CUDDLY AS FUCKING PUPPIES, _HMMMM!?"_

" _GROOOARGH!"_

One of the nearby dunes erupted as one of said lizard monsters roared into view, snarling and hissing at us viciously.

"SCREW OFF, SCALE-ASS, NOBODY ASKED YOU!" I snarled as my jabbed my finger at the reptile.

The Sandora Dragon paused as it blinked in shock. It took a moment to glance around in confusion before slowly pointing at itself. "GRO?"

"YES, YOU!" I shouted furiously. "I DON'T HAVE ANY FUCKING TIME FOR YOU RIGHT NOW! RIGHT NOW, I'M TOO BUSY CHEWING OUT THIS KIND BUT DITZY PRINCESS FOR ALMOST GETTING US ALL- ah screw it I'm sick of this conversation, alright guys, sic 'im."

"GRORGH!?"

"GUM-GUM BAZOOKA!"

"THREE-SWORD STYLE! DRAGON TWISTER!"

"EPAULE SPRAWL!"

We all watched in unequal parts awe and exasperation as the trio assaulted the Sandoran Dragon. For longer than was strictly necessary, the sound of combat was all there was to be heard.

Finally, Vivi broke the monotony by giving me a bemused look. "Ditzy?"

"You forgot that you had baby Godzillas in your backyard, woman!"

"First, I don't know what a 'godzilla' is, and second, in my defense, thanks to the Supersonic Duck Squadron, it usually doesn't take long for the royal family to travel through the desert, so at _most_ I've heard about all of those things from Pell and Chaka."

I opened my mouth to respond... then slowly shut it. "That... is quite possibly a fair point."

"BULL _-SHIT_ _ **IT IS!"**_ Soundbite roared.

At long last, the carnage ended as the reptilian corpse was slammed into the sand, throwing up a sizable cloud of dust.

"Couldn't they have just scared it off?" Usopp lamented.

"Against those three at once?" Nami deadpanned. "That poor monster didn't stand a chance."

I nodded in agreement. Poor bastard. As I watched, though, I saw Luffy's mouth moving from atop the corpse. Frowning, I tapped Soundbite's shell. "Hey, what's Luffy saying?"

There was the familiar whine of Soundbite's power, and Luffy's voice started filtering through the transceiver.

" _Hey, do you think we could eat this?"_

I couldn't help but chuckle at that. Classic Luffy.

A few hours (or was it days? Years? _Decades?_ In all likelihood, it was half an hour, tops. This heat was playing high holy hell with my head) later, after marching through the massive dunes and unerring heat, a shadow came into view in the distance.

I shaded my eyes, squinting towards the horizon. "Are those the crags, or is that just another wishful mirage of Walmart?"

"Superior mirages don't happen in deserts, not during the day," Nami muttered under her breath. At the questioning look I gave her, she sighed and slipped into lecturing mode. "Okay, there are two kinds of mirages, superior and inferior. Only superior mirages will produce the image of an actual object, but they require a layer of cold air under a layer of warm air, so a desert, with its hot ground, will not produce a superior mirage. Besides, even if it was a superior mirage, the object would still be real, just hidden under the horizon. So, to answer your question: yes, those are most likely crags. Water, please?"

"Thank you for the educational experience, Bill Nye," I chuckled as I handed the barrel over to her.

Nami cocked an eyebrow at me as she took a mouthful. "Who?"

"Bill Nye the Science-!"

" _BILL BILL BILL BILL BILL!"_

"GAH!" Nami yelped in shock, nearly dropping the barrel as Soundbite suddenly hollered from within the barrel, forcing me to grab it. "Son of a- You'd better not have gotten any of your mucus in that, you little slug!"

" _ **Who me?**_ _Couldn't be!"_

"Don't worry, I made sure that there's a layer of cloth between him and the water so that he doesn't drown or contaminate it," I reassured her hastily.

"Uh, wait, I'm confused..." Luffy spoke up from the back of the group where he was hauling the majority of our supplies, following a rousing round of 'Because we said so, that's why!' "So are those real rocks or just a mystery mirage?"

I grabbed the back of Nami's cloak before she could attempt to strangle Luffy, giving Usopp a weary look. "Well?"

"Umm..." The sniper drew down one of his goggles' lenses and adjusted it a bit before grinning in relief. "Looks like real rocks, guys!"

"REALLY? WOOHOO! BREAKTIME!" Luffy roared eagerly as he made to dash ahead.

"HOLD IT!" I bellowed as I held my hand out in a 'stop' motion.

Everyone instantly froze, holding their breaths in anticipation.

I hastily darted over to Luffy's sled and sat on top of the supplies before giving his shoulder a pat. "Okay, now go!"

" _MUSH,_ RUBBER-BRAIN!" Soundbite concurred.

"YOU GOT IT!" Luffy bellowed as he continued his reckless dash.

"WAIT A SECOND!" Everyone screamed after us, but to no avail on account of how Luffy was already _long_ gone.

"WOO H- _Acksplt!"_ I started to cheer before I ate a spray of sand to the face. Son of a _bitch,_ was _nothing_ actually fun in reality!?

Thankfully, within several minutes of the mad dash starting, it ended with Luffy coming to a halt in the shade. I had no idea how a bit of shadow could change things so much, but somehow it did.

Luffy apparently agreed with me, if the way he fell to the ground and rolled about contentedly was anything to go by. " _Shaaaade!_ Oh wow, this feels _sooo_ good!"

"Tell me about it..." I wheezed out as I worked the sand out of my everywhere.

"Ahh, I think I'm gonna stay here- hm? AGH! CROSS! LOOK AT ALL THESE BIRDS!"

"Huh?" I cracked my eyes open and took in the half-dozen haggard birds splayed across the sand. "Oh, yeah, would you look at that?"

"I gotta get Chopper, maybe he can save them!"

"Or, or!" I cut in hastily. "You can get _Sanji_ instead, and we can enjoy a _very_ delicious meal of roast poultry. Tell me, what sounds more appealing to you?"

Luffy was silent for a moment as he contemplated things before grinning eagerly, drool trailing from the corner of his mouth. "Good thinking, Cross!"

"That's why I'm the tactician!" I nodded confidently before pointing back the way we came. "Now, go and get everyone else! I'll stay here and keep an eye on our dinner!"

"Got it!" Luffy whooped before dashing off into the dunes. "HEY, GUYS!"

I watched him silently for a moment before turning my attention to the birds who, to their credit, were maintaining their prone positions, albeit with a bit more sweat.

I gave them a half-lidded stare as I ran my tongue over my lips. "Run or fry, bitches. What do you choose?"

The birds started twitching _ever_ so slightly as they shot minute glances at each other. One of them twitched a wing towards me.

I snapped my baton out to full length and slammed it into the wood of the sled. "Try it, I _dare_ you."

The birds instantly froze, visibly debating what to do. Finally, as the sound of crunching sand reached us, they came to a decision: their lives were more valuable than their score. Thus, they shot to their talons with panicked squawks and hightailed it the _heck_ out of there.

" _YEAH,_ **you'd better run!"** Soundbite hollered after them.

"Mister Jeremiah, are you alright?" Vivi gasped as she and the rest of the crew reached us.

"Heh, don't worry, I'm fine!" I waved at her happily. "Those herons were total wimps, they didn't even _try_ and fight!"

"Thank god..." Vivi sighed gratefully. "They must have been too used to running their scams to pull anything else."

"Wait, those were those Bandit Birds you mentioned!?" Luffy demanded incredulously before growling viciously. "Which way did they go!?"

"Luffy-" Nami started to sigh wearily.

"They went thattaway!" I grinned as I pointed out into the desert.

"RAAAAAAGH!" Luffy roared, darting off in the direction I indicated.

"WHAT THE HELL, JACKASS!?" Nami and Sanji snarled as they simultaneously slapped the back of my head.

"Okay, first off, _OW!_ Watch it!" I winced as I rubbed the back of my head. "And second, just wait a second, alright? Luffy'll be back soon enough, and he'll be bringing company too!"

"Oh really? What _kind_ of company?" Zoro said, cocking a curious eyebrow.

"Hey, here he comes now!" Chopper called out as he pointed out at the dunes. He then squinted curiously. "And... something's chasing him?"

"GROOOOORGH!"

"ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?" Nami and Usopp chorused incredulously.

"He's also bringing a hyper-chivalrous camel with him!" I shot at them before grinning impishly as I poked Vivi's shoulder. "And as for you, you forgot they-"

"I forgot they hunt in pairs..." Vivi groaned in exasperation as she kneaded the bridge of her nose.

Sanji puffed out a weary cloud of smoke before starting to march towards Luffy. "Alright you guys, you hang tight, I'll help Luffy."

The cook got all of three feet before Zoro strode ahead of him. "Forget it, crap cook. The last one almost crushed you like an insect. _I'll_ handle it."

Zoro didn't even get _one_ foot before he was forced to wheel around and stop Sanji from caving his head in. "Blow it out your ass, you shitty marimo! The last one had you almost halfway down its throat!"

"Love bastard!"

"SHIT SWORDSMAN!"

"SWIRL BROW!"

"Should we tell them that Luffy already killed it?" Chopper asked me quietly.

"Eh, they'll figure it out sooner or later," I shrugged indifferently... before frowning in concern. "At least... I _think_ they'll figure it out..."

As it turned out, it took Luffy ramming the duo's skulls together in his impatience to cook the meat to break them up.

While we waited for the king-lizard's carcass to fry, I took the opportunity to knock some sand out of my clothes. While my desert-camo jacket was doing a counterintuitively good job of keeping me cool (how covering up _more_ is supposed to keep a person cool, I have no idea, but damn if it wasn't doing a decent job) it had the downside of catching a _lot_ of grit in its seams. I was _especially_ not enjoying the amount of sand I was catching in my unprotected face.

"Hey, Vivi," I called to the princess. "Do you have anything to help with..." I gestured towards my face. "This?"

" **AIN'T** _ **NUTHIN'**_ _that can_ FIX _THAT!"_

I adopted a carefully neutral expression and help up a finger. "One moment please." I grabbed the water barrel and proceeded to give it a thorough shaking.

" _WAaAaAaAaAaAGH!"_ Soundbite hollered miserably until I stopped. " _Uuuuurgh..._ **At the risk of repeating myself, SPIN** _ **cycle**_ _**SUCKS!"**_

"Damn straight it does," I chuckled to myself before looking back at Vivi. "So anyways...?"

"Huh-wha?" Vivi started as she drew her... bemused, amused or horrified eyes, I couldn't tell which, from the barrel. "Ah, right, right, your face. Hmm, let's see..." She started digging through the pack she was carrying. "No, no... Oh, here, how's this?" She withdrew a circle of cloth and held it out to me. "It's a facemask I picked up in Nanohana. I got in case of sand... storms..." Vivi trailed off uncomfortably as the rest of the crew minus Sanji joined me in glaring at her viciously before she rallied with a huff. "Oh, like _none of you_ have ever forgotten anything important!?"

"You forgot _six_ things!" Usopp shot back. "Six _very_ dangerous things that could have _killed_ us!"

"I- you- _ergh!"_ Vivi stammered uncomfortably for a moment before huffing and tossing the facemask at me. "Just try the damn thing on already!"

I snickered at her blushing expression before slipping the mask over my mouth. It was a bit warm, to be sure, but it was better than a concentrated mineral diet, that was for sure. I started to nod at Vivi, but froze as a... a _feeling_ swept over me. "Why do I have the sudden urge to wear an eyepatch, read smut in public and be three hours late to every appointment I make?" I muttered to myself.

"What was that?" Zoro grunted.

"Ah, nothing, nothing!" I hastily waved him off in embarrassment before turning to Usopp. "Hey, do you have any goggles I can use or...?"

"Sure thing, here you go!" the sniper replied, carelessly throwing the headgear at me.

I caught the goggles and contemplated them for a moment, holding one of the lenses up to my eye as I examined the desert... before hastily jerking it away with a wince. "Okay, let me be more specific: any goggles _without_ magnifying lenses that'll fry my eyes?"

"Ack! Aheh... sorry?" Usopp chuckled sheepishly as he swapped the goggles out. I hummed contemplatively as I checked out the lens before nodding and slipping them on, putting my hood up alongside them.

"These'll do perfectly! I look a bit like a Middle Eastern freedom fighter, but... yeah, I think it'll work! And one 'akbar' out of you and I'm literally leaving you out to dry," I shot at Soundbite.

" **KILLJOY!"**

"Okay everyone, dinner's served!" Sanji spoke up.

I made to get up and head to the where the food was, but was halted by two hands grabbing me.

"Hey, Cross, do you have a-?"/"Cross, I need to speak to-" Chopper and Nami cut themselves off as they realized they were talking at the same time.

"Sorry Nami, but this is-"/"Chopper, this isn't really the-" The pair interrupted themselves again, though this time with a bit of a frown.

"Look, Nami-!"/"Chopper, I swear to-!"

"Okay, while I appreciate a good Abbott and Costello routine as much as the next guy-" I interrupted them with a chuckle.

" **Who's on first?** _Who?_ YES," Soundbite cackled.

"-or snail, it seems like you both want to talk with me about something important, so how about this?" I jabbed my thumb over my shoulder. "We go get some meat, we eat, and then I'll talk to you guys by seniority. _And that means Nami first,"_ I cut them off as they started to speak. "Got it?"

The two mulled things over for a moment before nodding in agreement. "Got it."

I grinned and clapped my hands successfully. "Perfect! Now, let's go and eat us some apex predator meat!"

As it turned out, rock-griddled Sandora Dragon tasted like chicken. Seriously. Still delicious, despite the cognitive dissonance of a ten-feet-plus reptile _tasting like chicken_.

In any case, I was glad I was mostly finished when Luffy started bugging the camel, because said camel proceeded to spit all over him and the spray hit the last of my meat.

My eye twitched slightly as I stared at my plate before handing it off to Soundbite, who I'd fished out of his barrel and who _didn't_ have anything even close to a gag reflex. Or good taste, for that matter. "Well, that's the end of _my_ appetite," I sighed in disgust.

"I'm sorry, but this hooligan was getting on my nerves. I'll try not to do it again," Eyelashes sniffed in a haughty, if high-pitched and reedy, voice.

I frowned as I mulled things over. For some reason, the camel's voice sounded a bit off. Like the tone and the words didn't quite match. Why did I feel like that voice would be more at place saying something more... racy... more daring... something like-

I froze as realization struck me dead on. I slowly turned my horrified eyes on Eyelashes. "Heeey," I started slowly. "Could you do me a quick favor please? Could you say the words 'Death to America' for me?"

Eyelashes gave me a bemused look. "What on the Grand Line is an 'America'? Also, do we have any lettuce?" He turned his head towards Sanji. "Meat is all well and good, you take what you can in the desert, but I would _keel_ for something green right now!"

My eye twitched furiously for a moment before I slapped a hand to my face. "Close enough..." I growled out before slowly turning a venomous gaze on Soundbite, who was snickering eagerly. "Okay, two things," I stated. "First, I refuse to so much as _address_ the fact that you're giving the camel the voice of _Achmed the dead freaking Terrorist."_

"BAHAHA _HOOHOOHOO_ **HEEHEEHEE!"**

"And _second!"_ I plowed on impatiently. "Now that I think about it, how the hell do you keep those voices up anyways!? Your voice is cut-and-paste!"

Soundbite blinked in surprise before shrugging indifferently, insomuch as a snail can shrug. " _It's easy for me to keep the voices normal because I_ can _talk like you guys. I just choose not to,"_ he explained in a voice much like a newscaster's.

I jumped in shock as Soundbite spoke clearer than I'd ever heard him speak in the whole time I'd known him. "I- wh- seriously!? Then what the hell is with the crazy-ass chorus!?" I narrowed my eyes at him accusingly. "Are you just showing off or something?"

" _No no no, not at all!"_ Soundbite hastily denied. " _It's just, well, you see..."_ He bowed his head contemplatively for a moment before looking up. " _Alright, look, it's like this: everyone and everything has a voice when they speak, even animals. When I give a species a voice, it's not me being stereotypical-"_

"Bullshit," I flatly interrupted.

Soundbite had enough decency in his shell to chuckle self-consciously. " _Okay, so it's somewhat for the hell of it. But really, I choose voices based on whether or not they fit, based on whether or not they're right. Basically, the voices I choose are those beings' voices. And, well, my voice..._ **MY VOICE IS** ALL OF THE _**voices**_ **, period.** _MAKE SENSE?"_

I hummed contemplatively as I mulled things over before nodding. "I... suppose it does, in a manner of speaking. In the end, I guess it's your choice and I can't do much about it... though seriously. _Achmed?"_

" **YOU SAYIN'** _ **you ain't**_ LAUGHIN'?" Soundbite grinned cheekily.

I was silent for a moment before looking away with a grin. "I am, but I'll feel bad about it later."

" _ **BULLSHIT!"**_

"Kiss my ass, you little-!"

"Ahem?"

"GAH!" I jumped halfway off my rock in shock before spinning around to the sight of our navigator impatiently tapping her foot in the sand. "Ah, Nami! Have you been waiting long or...?"

Nami rolled her eyes with a huff before jabbing her thumb over her shoulder. "We're setting out again. Come on, we'll walk and talk."

I cocked an eyebrow at her as I stood up and shifted my backpack onto my shoulders. "Fair warning, I don't feel confident about my ability to keep up with a _camel_."

Nami rolled her eyes with a long-suffering sigh. "I won't be _riding_ Eyelashes until I'm done talking with you, dumbass. He'll just be carrying my share of the supplies."

I shot an acrid glare at the camel's rump. "Let me guess: he'll only carry yours and none of ours, huh?"

"I care only for the fine ladies, you uncouth ruffian!"

"BLOW IT OUT YOUR HUMP, JACKASS!" I roared at Eyelashes as I stowed Soundbite back in his barrel before smiling at Nami. "Now then- LUFFY DON'T EAT THAT!- shall we?"

And so we set out once again through the hot desert sands. I swear, if this was what deserts were like, then I don't know how anyone lived in Arizona before air conditioning. "So, you wanted to talk?" I wheezed at Nami.

Nami bit her lip hesitantly before nodding in agreement. "Yeah... it's... it's about my weapon. The Clima-Tact."

"It works, if that's what you're worried about," I reassured her. "I realize that it might seem ridiculous, but-!"

"No no, I don't doubt that!" she hastily denied, waving her hands. "Usopp can be a bit of a moron sometimes, sure, but he's creative if nothing else. If anybody can pull it off, it's him. No, it's just..." Nami trailed off uncomfortably for a moment before giving a weary sigh. "I-I'm not confident about being able to use it. I mean, being able to alter the weather a bit sounds like it could be pretty effective, sure, but... well, look at me!" She gestured at herself. "What do you see?"

I eyed her warily for a moment before trying my luck. "A... strong, beautiful, confident woman?"

" _That's a_ **HELLUVA WAY to say '** GOLD-DIGGING SKANK'!" Soundbite cackled.

"One moment," I said casually, holding up a finger. Grabbing the barrel again, I gave it another vigorous stirring. "You were saying?"

"I SPEAK THE TRUTH! _**I WILL NOT BE SILENCED!"**_

"Aaaanyways..." Nami drawled as she cast a glare at the barrel.

"Hey, not my fault you asked a question there's no good answer to!" I defended hastily.

" _The point_ I was trying to make..." Nami ground out to herself before looking away with a slightly forlorn expression. "Is that... I'm a lot of things, Cross, but I'm not a fighter. I can't go onto the front line like Luffy or Zoro, I... I can't make that much of a difference…"

"Oh, bullshit!" I snapped. "Look at me! Look at _Usopp_ , for Christ's sake! Yes, Luffy or Zoro could snap us over their knees like a dry twig, but can you look me in the eyes and tell me we haven't contributed to the battles up to this point?"

Nami gave me a flat look. "Back on Little Garden, that brat Goldenweek used me to almost kill you and Vivi, and _you_ were just a glorified distraction the whole time Luffy was fighting Wapol in Drum Island!"

I raised a finger... then slowly lowered it with a pained grimace. "You... make an accurate point, I'll give you that..."

Nami sighed wearily as she looked ahead, staring pointedly at Vivi's back. "The point is... I just don't want to be a burden on everyone. Especially not with what's coming. That's why you got your armor, that's why I got the Clima-Tact, and that's why Usopp's been making all these new gadgets and weapons. And they're all well and good but... well, the fact is that I don't know if I have the skills for it. The ability."

I chewed my lip contemplatively as I mused on that before shrugging as I came up with what I hoped was a good answer. "Are you sure you don't?"

Nami looked at me in surprise. "What are you talking about?"

"Well..." I hedged uncomfortably. "I'm not one hundred percent on this, because the story never went in-depth on it-"

"What _was_ the name of that story, anyways?" Nami questioned, grimacing as a thought struck her. "It wasn't something like 'Luffy's Grand Adventure' or something, was it?"

" _ **WRYYYY!"**_

"Evil immortal vampires are no joke, Soundbite," I deadpanned. "And no, it was named 'One Piece'."

"Better than I was afraid of..." Nami muttered with a weary roll of her eyes.

"Anyways, the story didn't really expand on things, but, well, from what I saw when you were still using it, you do have _some_ skill with staff weapons, no?"

"It's, uh, called bojutsu..." Nami scratched the back of her neck uncomfortably. "I learned it so that I could defend myself when I was out... 'working'. I have some skill in it, sure, but-!"

"But nothing!" I cut in. " _Some_ skill means that you're better than me at it, and that's something in and of itself. I'm sure that so long as you practice with it and improve yourself, you'll be even better. You don't need to be a _master_ of the staff, just adept enough to defend yourself, no?"

"I..." Nami looked down thoughtfully. "I think so?"

"And furthermore, while you might not like it, that 'work' you were doing gave you some useful skills as well.

"Huh!?" Nami demanded incredulously.

"Well..." I uncomfortably rolled my hand. "What I mean is that while the lifestyle was anything _but_ pleasant, you can't deny that you _were_ good at it. And that would have had to leave you with _some_ usable skills, no?"

I winced as Nami pinned me with a dark glare. "What skills could I _possibly_ have gained from those years?"

I hastily held my hands up defensively. "Look, I - and please note that I am _really_ trying not to put my foot in my mouth here or presume anything - I realize that those were some hard times, hell really, but you _can't_ deny that you were a phenomenal thief. Or, at the very least, a well-above-average one, and that kind of a profession requires you to learn a very specific, very useful skillset. I realize it might be uncomfortable for you to dredge up and utilize these skills, but they _would_ be exactly what you're looking for!"

Nami was uncomfortably silent for a moment before speaking. "Name five skills that would be useful."

"Umm... alright, let's see..." I started counting down on my fingers. "Lockpicking, pickpocketing, acting, stealth, probably some acrobatics assuming you ever decided to enter through the windows or anything like that, probably some observational skills to analyze marks and locations, deception abilities, though that may fold into acting... Eh... that's all I can think of."

" _Seduction?"_ Soundbite queried faux-innocently.

"No!"/"Only sometimes!"

I snapped a bewildered look at Nami, who was blushing vividly. "Ah, well, that is to say..." She looked away nervously.

I coughed uncomfortably as I averted my gaze. "Okay, right, so I _might_ have underestimated just how bad things were and I apologize for that. Still, do you get what I'm trying to say?"

There was a moment of silence until Nami spoke again. "Yeah... yeah, I understand. Sorry about the third degree, I suppose I can't really come to you for advice and then just jump down your throat when you give it."

"Hey, it's fine, it's fine," I waved her off. "You went through hell and I dragged it up, you had every right to get mad."

"Well... if you say so. But really, Cross?" She put her hand on my shoulder, prompting me to look back at her and the kind smile she was giving me. "Thanks a lot. You're a good friend and I appreciate it."

I smiled back and nodded. "Any time, Nami, any time."

Say what you will about One Piece being a hell of a world in every sense of the phrase, but damn if it wasn't nice to have some good friends along the way.

"Well!" I said, dusting my hands off contentedly. "Now that that's settled, where's Chopper?"

" **Sleepin' with the** FAIRY _SEAKINGS by the sounds of it!"_

"E-excuse me?!" Nami scoffed incredulously.

"He means that Chopper's K.O. from the heat again..." I groaned wearily. "Well, looks like I'll just have to wait until the sun goes down and he wakes up again."

"Alright then," Nami nodded before pausing as a thought struck her. "Oh, by the way, I wanted to ask you: how much longer until we reach Yuba?"

"Eh..." I wracked my mind. "Small details like this are the hardest to remember, but ah... I... think it was after sunset? Yeah, it was night, after sunset."

Nami nodded slowly before freezing and giving me a flat look. "So... he'll probably wake up around the same time that _Vivi_ will be ripping your entrails out, is that about right?"

I started to nod before freeing as well as realization swept over me. "Urk. Ah... pray for me?"

Nami put on a show of thinking intently. "Weeeell, you _did_ lie to her and essentially stomp over her wish for a conflict-free resolution..."

"That was always a pipe dream _before_ I said anything and you know it!" I hissed frantically.

Nami grinned cattily in what was both a chilling yet kindly manner. "You'll be in my thoughts," she purred before pursing her lips and whistling. "Ooh Eyelashes!" In a blur of brown, the camel galloped up next to us and swept Nami up so that she was seated behind Vivi before galloping back ahead.

"BURN IN HELL, BITCH!" I roared after her.

" _I SPIT IN YOUR GENERAL DIRECTION, ROGUE! PTOOIE!"_

I winced as a glob of saliva splattered against my face before cracking my eye open. I then proceeded to smirk confidently. "GOGGLES, JACKASS! WHAT DO YOU SAY TO _TH-!?"_

_SPLAT!_

I froze again, this time on account of my thoughts being split equally between three lines of thought: ' _Damn he's good with his tail', 'Oh god it's in my mouth',_ and-

"HURK!"

" **HOOHOOHOO** HAHAHA _HEEHEEHEE!_ _ **TALK SHIT GET HIT!**_ **LITERALLY!"**

At that moment, I had to _seriously_ weigh some pros and cons. On the one hand, dying of dehydration on account of our water being contaminated. On the other, giving Soundbite an equal taste of the shit he himself was spraying was sounding more and more enticing to me by the moment.

Thankfully for all of us, a third option was presented to me at the last moment.

"Hey, Cross, what's on your face? Is that chocolate? Do you have choc-!"

SPLAT!

"Ooh, tha- ACKPBHT! THAT'S NOT CHOCOLATE!"

**-o-**

After several very, _very_ grueling hours of marching, the sun had finally gone down, allowing the moon to rise and illuminate the suddenly freezing desert.

The cold was a nice reprieve from the heat, but it didn't change the fact that it was just swapping out one temperature extreme for another. Robert Frost could go screw himself, fire and ice both sucked in equal measure. Still, if this climate did anything, it proved just how truly dedicated Vivi was to save her nation: only someone well and truly enamored with it would be able to live their whole lives in this crucible and come out _still_ wanting to save it.

At least there was one upside to the cold: Chopper finally managed came around from his heat-coma and was trotting alongside us in his Walk Point. I'd been waiting for him to talk with me of his own accord, on account of how the way he kept glancing at me indicated he wanted to talk with me about _something,_ but he was apparently too skittish to initiate the conversation.

Finally, after a few more hours of marching, he managed to gather the courage to match my pace. "Uh, Cross?" he mumbled hesitantly. "Can we talk now? I-I really want your help..."

I smiled kindly at the reindeer. "Yeah, sure thing, Chopper. Tell me what's on your mind."

The human-reindeer opened his mouth to speak... then tilted his head to the side curiously. "Uh... is it just me or is the ground shaking?"

I blinked in confusion for a moment as I processed the statement before paling as I noticed the fact that the wind was carrying a _lot_ of sand with it. "Uh oh..." I breathed nervously.

"What, what's wrong?" Chopper asked.

Before I could answer, Vivi did so in my place. "SANDSTORM! YUBA'S BEING HIT BY A SANDSTORM!"

And indeed it was. Holy _shit,_ it was really something. I mean, I'd seen water funnels and vortexes before on the Grand Line, Nami being the only reason that we hadn't been smashed to pieces, but those had all been water for the most part. Seeing a storm of sand and wind of such a magnitude was another thing entirely! And Crocodile had been hammering Yuba with these things for _how long_ now!?

I didn't know what had me more impressed: Toto's sheer determination in the face of adversity or Crocodile's ability to overcompensate!

I shuddered uncomfortably as I spied the city that was being actively sanded off the face of Alabasta. As horrible as the situation was already, Yuba heralded something even worse for me.

"Chopper, I will _gladly_ talk with you and help you with whatever you need later..." I swallowed nervously. "But only if you'll agree to do something for me in return."

Chopper shot me a confused look. "What's that?"

I grit my teeth as the crew started to run towards Yuba, forcing me to match their pace. " _Pray for me."_

A few hours of jogging later, we reached the edge of Yuba. The sight that met us was... disheartening, to say the least. The worst part of it was... I could _see_ how it had once been a great city. It was an old place, a dignified and noble one... but it was hurt. It was decrepit, abandoned... even if it wasn't actively rotting, then at the _least_ it was dying. And it was _not_ pretty to watch.

And Toto was probably even worse off. He was old, dirty, frail... but damn if he didn't have an air of strength to him. He wasn't just some old sack of skin and bones. He was... tough. Leathery. He was worn down, sure, but it was more a sign of experience then actual injury. And that... that was something I could appreciate.

What I _didn't_ appreciate was what he said when we asked him about the Rebels, though that wasn't all that fair on account of how it was more the final nail than the actual coffin.

"Those fools have left Yuba."

I winced in guilt as the words pierced through me, hitting me dead on. I turned away from the rest of the crew and bowed my head, refusing to meet anyone's eyes even as I felt their gazes on me. Not accusatory, per se, just... questioning. Curious.

All save one.

" _Cross."_

I out and out _flinched_ as Vivi's voice cracked over me like a whip. I slowly raised my eyes to meet her gaze, and, well... it was a once in a lifetime experience.

Vivi was furious _._ Not peeved, not annoyed, not even outraged. _Furious._ If Vivi's passion for defending Alabasta was like the kingdom's sun, then this side of her was like it's moon; cold, vicious... _lethal._ I just felt... so _puny_. It was hard to tell what was making me feel worse: Vivi's royal presence... or the fact that I was her friend and that I'd _lied_ to her.

"Vivi-" I started hesitantly-

_SLAP!_

Before cutting myself off with a wince. It was at the same time the least yet most painful slap I'd ever received in my life.

"I don't want to hear it," she hissed softly. "Now you listen to me: we are going to stay here tonight, we are going to go to Katorea tomorrow, we are going to stop this rebellion, and then I _never want to see you again._ Do I make myself clear?"

I nodded solemnly. "Yes, Vi-"

"That's Princess Nefertari Vivi of Alabasta to you, _Mister Jeremiah,"_ she spat viciously before wheeling around and marching towards the buildings.

I watched her go in shame and silence. After all, after all I'd done... what could I possibly say that wouldn't make things worse?

Silence reigned as we all watched Vivi leave, nobody quite sure what to make of recent events.

Finally, I looked to Toto. "Do you have any other shovels?" I asked him quietly.

The old man jumped in shock. "Ah, y-yes, over there..." he said, pointing at a nearby shed. "But why-?"

"Everyone, go and get some sleep," I interrupted as I started to walk towards the shed. "I... don't feel like sleeping at the moment. I'll just... work until I get tired."

"Cross..." Nami started softly

"Just... get some sleep," I sighed heavily, unslinging the water barrel from my shoulder and handing it to her, Soundbite and all. "Tomorrow's going to be a long day."

Nami stared at me in silence for a moment before nodding solemnly and following Vivi.

I refused to meet anyone's eyes as I continued walking forwards, and none of them said anything as I went. However, as I was passing by Zoro, he placed his hand on my shoulder. I froze, waiting for him to say whatever he had to say... but he just gave a firm pat and moved on.

The next time I was stopped was when Luffy caught my elbow, prompting me to look up and meet his gaze. I didn't say anything, but I did shake my head ever so slightly. Luffy frowned unhappily, but sighed and followed everyone else nonetheless.

With that over and done with, I wordlessly retrieved the shovel, dug it into the sand next to Toto's pit and got to work.

I dug for... I'm not even really sure how long, to be honest. Hours, most likely. I wasn't really paying attention to anything else. I didn't _want_ to think about anything else. All I thought about was, well... digging. Deeper and deeper, foot by foot, the sand slowly but steadily piling up around me as I dug myself deeper for the second time that day.

In all honesty, I didn't really 'stop' digging. I just suddenly... _woke up_ leaning against the wall of my hole, being shaken awake by someone calling my name.

"-kid. Hey, kid, wake up! Are you alright?" Toto asked me.

"Mrgh..." I groaned tiredly as I shook my head in an effort to wake myself, a bit of the post-wakeup fugue still clouding my thoughts. "What... what time is it?"

"It's still night, if that's what you're asking," Toto huffed. "My god, kid, you worked yourself straight to sleep! I know I might be a stubborn old man, but not even I'm that bull-headed!"

"Mmn..." I mumbled slightly in agreement. "Yeah yeah, I'm dedicated like that." I looked around blearily. "Now where's that shovel?"

"I have it right here." Toto held it up before me, but yanked it out of my reach when I tried to take hold of it. "But I'm not letting you use it until you get some rest."

I affixed a tired glare on the old man. "This from the coot who's been digging all night alongside me, as well as through several sandstorms?"

"Wait until you're my age, _then_ you can be as hypocritically stubborn as you want to be," Toto sniffed before doubling over, clutching his joints with a groan. "Around the time your joints start aching, I'd say..."

I let out a furious growl as I actively reminded myself that unlike the rest of the crew, I couldn't slap Toto upside his head for fear of giving him a concussion. "Just give me the shovel, damn it, I need to keep working."

Toto immediately righted himself and shoved the shovel's head into the sand with a glare. "No, _I_ need to keep working. _You_ just _want_ to keep working. There's a marked difference!"

"What the hell are you talking about!?" I demanded, my fatigue most likely putting more heat into my voice than I intended.

Toto crossed his arms and gave me the kind of glare only a well-experienced elder could give. "I _need_ to keep working, so that I can draw the life and water back out of Yuba's earth. You _want_ to keep working for the sole sake of not having to confront what happened between you and Princess Vivi, and I won't let you poison Yuba's water with your misguided misery. Am I clear?"

I opened my mouth to say something... but in the end I heaved a weary sigh, collapsing on my ass as I leaned my back against the wall of the pit. "Crystal, sir..." I moaned miserably.

"Good! Now then..." Toto crossed his arms and sat down across from me, giving me a searching look. "Why don't you tell me just what it is that's got you down, hm?"

I gave the old man a weary _look._ "I was slapped by Vi-" I winced self-consciously. "Princess Nefertari Vivi, why do you think I'm down?"

Toto snorted. "What I think is that there are a lot of details about this situation I don't understand, period!"

I stared at him impassively, not saying anything.

"Well, if you're not going to tell me, I'm gonna have to start guessing." The old man hummed thoughtfully, rubbing his chin. "Are you a suitor?"

My expression became as flat as a plate. "Thank you, no. I'd rather live long and prosper than commit suicide by Kohza."

"HA!" Toto barked uproariously. "I don't know how you know my son, but that _does_ sound like the likely outcome, doesn't it?" He shot a cheeky smirk at me. "Now then, shall I continue guessing or-?"

"Alright, alright, I'll tell you!" I snapped. And so I told him the whole story: lying to Vivi about Yuba and Katorea, how talking down the rebels wouldn't actually solve anything, my firm belief that only by clobbering Crocodile (not that I actually named him) could the rebellion be ended, and how much of an utter _heel_ I felt for doing so.

Toto's eyes widened in shock as he listened to me before bowing his head with a solemn hum. "Well now... that sounds quite serious indeed."

"Deadly," I confirmed morosely.

"If you ask me, it sounds like you didn't have much of a choice in the matter," Toto summarized matter-of-factly.

"What I chose _doesn't_ matter," I emphasized firmly. "What _does_ matter is that Vivi is the closest thing to a saint we'll ever see in our lifetimes, and more importantly, she was my friend- and I had to _lie_ to her. What matters is that I've probably made her hate me, and that... that's worse than anything I can imagine."

And then Toto did the absolute last thing I expected: he threw his head back and laughed.

"W-What's so funny?" I stammered in confusion.

"Boy…" he wheezed, clutching his gut. "That might just be the funniest thing I've heard in years." He held up a hand to stop the indignant reply just on my lips. "First of all, Princess Vivi doesn't have a hateful bone in her body, so you don't need to worry about that."

"But... s-she slapped me… and-"

"Oh, yes, I've only seen her that angry once before," Toto replied, staring fondly up into the sky. "Kohza had stolen her favorite doll, a recent birthday gift from her father, for whatever childish reason he had at the time and had hidden it somewhere. Try as she might, Vivi couldn't get him to tell her where he hid it. At least, until she got mad and then he folded like wet paper." The old man chuckled, lost in his memories. "And you know what? Once she got it back she calmed down and went right back to being his best friend."

"I… think this is kind of on a different scale," I deadpanned. "I essentially threatened her _kingdom._ Her _people._ That's as bad a berserk button for her as debating justice is for most marines."

"Bah, you'll see," Toto scoffed dismissively. "I know that girl, give her a day or two to cool off and things'll be back to normal, especially if what you've told me is the truth. As for the other matter…" He turned around and rapped me on the forehead before I could react.

"Ow! What was that for?!" I demanded, rubbing my forehead.

"For being silly," Toto harrumphed. "You're putting entirely too much stock in one lie. Don't make a habit of it, and your friendships will be just fine even with the occasional lie. Now, you get out of this hole. I need to get back to work."

And with that, he shoved me up and out with surprising strength. I didn't protest; I had a feeling he'd break that shovel over my head if he needed to. Still, though his words had helped, I couldn't shake the rock in the pit of my stomach. He didn't know about the massive lie I'd told the crew for weeks, the one about my origins. After this one, coming so soon on the heels of that one… how could they ever trust _SAND-IN-MY-FACE-GAH!_

"Ack! Phpht!" I hacked and spit miserably as I tried to clear the grains from my face. "What the he-!?"

"Oh, hey Cross!"

"Luffy!?" I blinked at my captain in shock, trying to process the fact that he was in a hole next to my own. "W-what the hell- how long have you been digging there!?"

Luffy shrugged indifferently. "The whole time. Oh, and I'm not alone either!"

I started to ask what Luffy meant... when I was interrupted by a pink top hat poking up and over the lip of the hole.

"H-hey Cross," Chopper smiled weakly as he waved at me.

"Ah, hey, Chopper..." I waved back uncomfortably.

"So, Cross... are you... free to talk now, or...?" Chopper scratched the back of his head with a sheepish grin.

I worked my jaw wordlessly for a moment... before settling on a smile and extending a hand to the Zoan user. "Yeah... yeah, I'm free."

Chopper smiled back from ear to ear as he took my hand and hauled himself out. "Thanks! It's not anything too important, I just, well, need some help is all."

I nodded in agreement and waved for him to follow me. "Sure thing, Chopper. Come on, walk and talk."

Chopper trotted to keep up with me. "Well, I've been thinking about how to use your advice. You know, on manipulating my Devil Fruit? Well... I've been having some trouble with it. I mean..." He shrugged helplessly. "My powers are rigid enough as is due to me being a Zoan, and in my opinion my particular Fruit is even worse than usual on account of how it doesn't give me much to work with. I'd appreciate any suggestions you have to share with me."

I hummed as I contemplated his statement. "That's true enough, yes..." I nodded in agreement before holding up a finger. "But you underestimate just what your powers have to offer. As I've already stated, you've exploited your powers quite a bit with the invention of the Rumble Ball. I believe, without giving away too much and thus pissing off Luffy, that there might be a way for you to push what you've already done even further."

"Really!?" Chopper asked eagerly. "What is it?"

"Well..." I scratched my chin thoughtfully, mentally thanking the great resources of TVTropes all the while. "Have you ever heard of something called 'biofeedback'?"

**-o-**

The next morning, we all gathered in the town square as we prepared to say our goodbyes to Toto. The old man was quite chipper as he saw us off; I could practically see the satisfaction bursting out of him as he handed Luffy the small barrel of water he'd managed to extract from the sand.

"I'm sorry there isn't any more of it, but it's still genuine Yuba water either way. I assure you that it will do you much good," he said, outright beaming.

"Don't worry, old man! I'll keep a close hold of it and drink it _really_ slowly, I promise!" Luffy assured him as he eagerly grabbed the barrel.

"Make sure you're _really_ careful with that water, Luffy," I promptly warned him. "That water's more important than any of us can imagine."

Luffy blinked in surprise before nodding firmly. "You got it."

I chanced a glance over my shoulder at Vivi, and was rewarded with her looking away with a scowl. I winced and bowed my head guiltily, but was prompted to look up by a hand on my shoulder.

Toto gave me a reassuring look. "The princess might be as stubborn as she is kind, but she can't deny her own nature. She'll forgive you, son. Just give it time."

I pursed my lips sadly for a moment, but I nodded solemnly nonetheless. I then held a hand out to him. "You're a good man, Toto. I can't thank you enough."

Toto snorted as he grabbed my hand and gave it a strong shake. "Protect Princess Vivi and save this kingdom. That will be thanks enough."

I nodded confidently. "I promise."

And with that, we were off into the desert, braving the heat and sand once again. We got pretty far, a mile, maybe two, until we were well out of sight of Yuba. Vivi was leading our party, while the rest of us trailed behind her. Hence, nobody immediately noticed when Luffy suddenly stopped dead in his tracks, and Zoro, Nami and I imitated him.

Nami gave the captain a wary look. "Is everything alright, Luffy?"

Luffy was... silent, uncharacteristically so. For the longest time, he just _stood_ there. If I didn't know any better, I'd say he was thinking. Finally, Luffy turned his head and shot an unreadable _look_ at me. "Where is he?" he asked calmly.

"Rainbase, a city to the north of Yuba. He runs a local casino as though it were his castle," I promptly answered.

Luffy turned his expectant gaze on Nami.

The navigator pursed her lips uncomfortably for a moment, but she ultimately subsided with a heavy sigh. "That way," she pointed dutifully.

And with that, Luffy started marching singlemindedly in the direction indicated, with Zoro following behind him.

Nami hesitated as she watched the pair march off, glancing at the rest of the crew. "Shouldn't we...?"

I shrugged indifferently. "They'll notice sooner or later. For now, captain's orders." And with that, I followed the crew's top two officers, and moments later I heard Nami doing the same.

We didn't get far, however, when the sound of someone chasing after us broke the desert's silence.

"Mister Jeremiah ! What do you think you're-!" Vivi began as she trotted Eyelashes in front of us before I interrupted her.

"Captain's orders. Talk to Luffy."

I felt a brief twinge of guilt for passing the buck like that; a twinge that died a quick death as I watched Vivi slide off of Eyelashes and stomp up to Luffy. I would weather Vivi's wrath in my own time, make no mistake, but first I was going to let the tide break on Luffy's head. Sorry, Captain, but better you than me!

"Luffy, where are you going!? The Sandora River is this way, to the east! We need to cross it if we want to reach Katorea!" Vivi pressed him.

"Yeah, but I'm going north," Luffy blandly informed her.

"W-what?!" Vivi sputtered incredulously. "North!? Why would you want to go north!?"

Luffy shrugged. "'Cause that's where Rainbase is."

It took Vivi all of ten seconds to process that statement, mouthing the words to herself before she spun around and shot a _searing_ hot glare at me.

Nami was quick to step in front of me. "Don't get mad at Cross, Vivi, Luffy asked _him._ He _had_ to tell him."

Vivi continued to stare daggers at me a moment longer before directing her rage back at Luffy, grabbing his sleeve and forcing him to a halt. "Luffy, I already told you, we don't _need_ to fight Crocodile! If I can get to Katorea, I can talk to Kohza and-!"

"Vivi," Luffy interrupted her, tilting his head and giving her a flat look. "That's dumb."

" _E-excuse me!?"_ Vivi squawked incredulously. In all honesty, though, hers was the least volatile reaction of the crew.

"HOW DARE YOU, YOU SHITTY-!?" Sanji shrieked as he started to march towards Luffy, until I managed to grab his collar and haul him back.

"This needs to be said, Sanji," I told him, doing my best to stand firm in the face of his rage. Thankfully, Nami had my back.

"Leave him alone, Sanji..." she muttered half-heartedly, more focused on the shitshow unfolding before us.

"What are you _talking about,_ Luffy!?" Vivi demanded.

"Vivi, I know that I haven't been in this country long, and I don't know a lot, but I do know this: stopping the rebels won't stop Crocodile even a bit. Going to Katorea won't do a thing," the rubber-man explained in blandly, as if talking about the weather or his next meal after three weeks at sea.

Trust me, not even Luffy gets excited about lime juice, salt beef, and hardtack. Damn near gave me a heart attack the first time he didn't react like a maniac to Sanji calling us in for dinner, but there you have it.

Anyway, silence reigned over the crew as they processed Luffy's words.

"Uhh..." came Usopp's intelligent response.

"Wow..." Chopper breathed.

" **EVEN A DUMBASS** _can have a point!"_ Soundbite provided.

"I-I..." Vivi stammered uncomfortably.

"You actually think that we can stop the rebels without anyone dying? That nobody, us or your people, are going to get hurt?"

Vivi twitched furiously, obviously fighting against herself.

"We're going up against one of the Warlords of the Sea, and half your kingdom is ready to kill itself. You really think that everyone's going to come out of this alive?" Luffy stared at Vivi for a moment before sighing and bowing his head. "That's _dumb_ , Vivi."

Nami herself visibly reacted to the statement, but I hastily grabbed her shoulder and shook my head.

"What's so wrong with not wanting anyone to die, huh!?" Vivi demanded, her voice shaking with emotion. "What's the problem with wanting everyone to come out of this alive!?"

I could see that Luffy was ready to answer Vivi's question, but in all honesty I just _couldn't_ stay quiet on this.

"It's beyond unrealistic," I stated flatly, with just a hint of anger. "And from someone in your position, it's downright _dangerous."_

Vivi spun on her heel and grabbed my collar, obviously inches away from slapping the _shit_ out of me. Again. "Don't you dare say that, _don't you dare!_ I am trying to prevent a _bloodbath!_ What's wrong with that!?"

"The goal isn't the problem, it's the _method!"_ I shot back, voice rising. "You're sick of me holding things back, you want me to tell you the whole truth and nothing but the truth? Here it is: you're shaping up to be a piss-poor ruler!"

THWACK!

"Gugh!" I wheezed, folding around the fist Vivi had just buried in my gut.

"SHUT THE HELL UP!" she shrieked viciously.

I took a moment to suck some air back into my lungs before tilting my head to direct a glare at her. "You want to know why you'll be a sucky ruler? Because you're too focused on benevolence as the end-all, be-all of rulership!"

"GRAH!"

Vivi tackled me to the sand, trying to slip her hands around my throat.

"I-it helps, sure," I snarled as I grabbed her wrists and fought to keep her off me. "But at the end of the day, people don't follow benevolence, don't _bow_ to it! They bow to _authority_ , and as you are you wouldn't command _any!_ Because you know what the Crocodiles of the world see when you aren't willing to sacrifice _anybody_ besides yourself?"

I wrenched myself upwards, bringing my face closer and looking her dead in the eye. "They see _opportunity_. The opportunity for a whole _country_. And if you think your life is anywhere near valuable enough to make them give that up, then you're not just being unrealistic, you're being stupid! _Delusional_ even!"

"S-SHUT UP!" Vivi snarled as she struggled to wrench herself away from me, but I instead flipped us around and pinned her into the sand.

"Wanting to save as many lives as possible is a _noble_ intention for most people, but that's _not_ one that's open to you!" I hissed. "You're a _ruler,_ Vivi, nobility! Every decision you make, every _single_ one, will be a _gamble!_ And every single time, you'll be gambling with people's _lives!_ Your job isn't to save as many lives as possible, it's to make sure that the _least_ amount of people possible die, and that their deaths _mean_ something!"

"THAT'S-!" Vivi struggled in my grip, though her motions were starting to slow down. "T-that's not true..."

"That-!" I started to growl before taking a deep breath. "That's bullshit, Vivi. That's bullshit and you know it. You're a smart girl, Vivi, you've lived with your dad long enough to learn that fact, and your time with Baroque Works should have hammered it home. It's noble that you want don't want things to be like that, above and beyond the norm even... but you just don't have that luxury."

I let go of Vivi's arms and stood off of her, allowing her to flip onto her back and stare up at me.

"If you want to get _anywhere_ in life, Vivi, then you need to be willing to risk something. To risk _everything._ Even..." I clenched my fists. "Even us."

A shudder ran through Vivi's body, but it wasn't from anger. "I-I..."

"Vivi..." Luffy said, angling his hat upward. "We're your _friends._ "

"B-but..." Vivi hiccuped, shaking her head furiously. "I-I... I can't _ask_ that-!"

"You don't have to ask, we're doing it anyways," Zoro snorted.

Usopp shuddered heavily for a moment before he sucked it up and shot a thumbs up at her. "The Great Captain Usopp fears no man! Or reptile for that matter!"

I pointedly chose to avoid mentioning his choice of self-address. Or the fact that he was still shaking like a leaf, for that matter.

Chopper started to glance towards everyone else, but promptly caught himself. Instead, he crossed his arms, looked Vivi dead in the eye and nodded firmly. "I'm in all the way!"

Vivi's head was on a swivel as she looked between us all, her mouth open as she tried and failed to force _something_ out.

Sanji took a tug from his cigarette before flicking it into the sand and stomping it out with his heel. "I would delve into the depths of hell for any woman. For you, my love, I intend to _conquer_ them."

Eyelashes hesitated for a bare moment... until I rammed my elbow into the base of his throat. "Ack-pbht-you-I-I-I mean what the blond cook said!"

"ALL FOR ONE, **ALL FOR** _ **ALL!"**_ Soundbite roared.

Vivi was actively shaking now, tears brimming in her eyes. "B-but... but..."

Nami knelt down next to the princess and clutched her shoulders. "Vivi. We know that there's every chance of us dying. We know that we could die. And we're willing to take those chances, we _choose_ to take them..." She wrapped Vivi up in a fierce hug. "Because you're our friend, and because there's sure to be an absolute _shitton_ of money in Crocodile's casino we can loot."

I chopped my hand down on top of Nami's head with a deadpan glare. "No, bad girl, down."

"I will snap you over my knee Cross, I swear to-!"

Nami's death threats were cut off by a sob tearing its way out of Vivi's throat, followed by the princess grabbing onto Nami for dear life and burying her tear-stained face in the navigator's shoulder.

Nami shot a final glare at me before patting Vivi's back and comforting her.

"T-thank you..." Vivi sobbed. "Thank you... all of you... thank you so much..."

"Oh my love-!" Sanji started to spin himself into a hurricane of love... until Zoro slapped the back of his head. "Hey, what the hell-!?"

"Ahem," Zoro grunted as he jabbed his thumb towards me.

Vivi sniffed heavily for a moment as she glanced up at Zoro before jerking in realization. "Huh-? A-Ah! R-right, right..." She looked at me tearfully. "I-I... Cross... I'm so sorry. Everything I said..."

I cut her off with a raised hand. "Save it, for two reasons. First and foremost, I more than earned that smackdown I got in Yuba and I'm man enough to admit it. And second..."

I held my hand out to her and pulled her to her feet. "This isn't the time or the place for waterworks. You can tell me how much you're sorry later. For now..." I grinned viciously and jabbed my finger due north. "What do you say we start the process of straight up _slapping_ the smug out of Crocodile?"

Vivi hiccuped for a moment longer. Then she steeled her back, wiped the tears and snot off of her face, and gave me a shaky grin.

"Okay!"


	19. Chapter 19

### Chapter 19: Chapter 18: A Thrilling Chase! Hide And Seek In Rainbase!

### Chapter Text

I huffed and wheezed miserably as I mounted the sands of the dune. So hot…so _high…_ so… _thirsty…_ just a few more feet…a few…more…

With a moan of relief, I mounted the peak of the dune and spread my arms in relief. "I..." I groaned eagerly, "am Cross of Alaba—!"

_NOM!_

"YEOWCH!" I yelped, digging my hands beneath my hood and trying to grab ahold of Soundbite. "WHAT THE HELL, YOU LITTLE PEST!?"

" **YOU WERE TALKING** _CRAZY!"_

"Can you blame me?!" I demanded. "It's hot, it's dry, and there's been nothing but sand, sand, and more sand for _six hours_! At this point, I'll sing freaking _showtunes_ if it means seeing a freaking _rock_ , just to break the monotony!"

"Quit bellyaching and walk, Cross, or you're gonna be looking at sand for that much longer," Zoro grunted as he trudged past me. It was at least gratifying to see his red, sweaty face and uncomfortable grimace.

"And just for the record," Vivi noted as she walked past, looking disgustingly unbothered by the, to reiterate, _hot hot heat._ "You're not _anything_ of Alabasta. At least, not if I have anything to say about it."

"I thought we were past this!" I demanded as I forced myself to keep walking.

"I might understand, but I'm still mad!"

"Tch, airhead…"

"Would you mind speaking a little louder, please? I couldn't hear you over your _raging—!"_

"Quiet, you two, don't make me pull this caravan over…" Nami muttered blearily.

"Yes, mom…" Vivi and I sighed.

"Ugh, my blisters have blisters…" Usopp groaned behind us.

"I think I might be getting used to the heat," Chopper panted from where he was strapped to Eyelashes' hump. He attempted to sit up, before slumping back down with a groan. "As a doctor, I can confirm that this is not even _remotely_ healthy…"

"Well, look on the bright side: we don't have to worry about the food rotting anymore," Sanji calmly informed us.

"Really? How come?" Luffy asked curiously.

"BECAUSE YOU JUST ATE THE LAST OF IT, JACKASS!"

_THWACK!_

"ACK!"

I raised my hand to my forehead and shaded my eyes, looking upwards and whistling in awe as I watched Luffy fly by. "Good arc, impressive velocity…I give it a nine out of ten."

Vivi cocked her eyebrow as we all watched Luffy reach the peak of his trajectory. "And why not a full ten?"

"Eh, it all depends on his distance. If he lands on the other side of the next dune—"

WHUMP!

Luffy impacted the dune and went _through_ the very top, kicking up a huge cloud of sand and dust.

"Eh…" I waved my hand side-to-side. "Not bad, not bad, but he _did_ hit the top, so... nine-point-five?"

Everyone else clapped politely, to which Sanji responded with a bow. "Thank you, thank you. You're too kind, really."

"Hey, guys!" Luffy shouted as he ran up the top of the dune, waving his hand. "I just saw green!"

"Luffy, what did we tell you about eating the cacti?"

"They're not _that_ bad!"

"YOU TRIED TO _EAT_ CHOPPER, WHEN YOU WEREN'T _SLEEP-EATING!"_

"Do I need to prepare the sedative again?" Chopper groaned.

"No, really, guys, I didn't hallucinate this! And it wasn't a mystery mira—!"

" _I will break you,_ Luffy _,"_ Nami intoned darkly.

"Let's just get this over with," Zoro sighed, brushing past us and trudging up to the top of the dune. We all watched, confused, as he froze, then whooped— _whooped!_ —and ran back towards us.

"Guys, I can't believe I'm saying this, but Luffy's right!" he informed us, grinning like a loon. "There _is_ green. I think we've found Rainbase." He frowned at the expressions on our faces. "What's up with you guys?"

"I have seen the face of evil…" Vivi whispered in terror, before pausing as she reconsidered. "Again."

"W-Who are you and what have you done with Zoro?" Usopp stammered.

"What do you mean?! I'm me!" he barked indignantly.

"Lies! Zoro does _not_ smile unless it's to promise death to his prey!" I hissed fearfully.

"Or unless there's booze involved," Usopp added.

" _OR_ _unless he_ **gets one over on** SANJI _**or**_ NAMI _**or**_ **CROSS** ," Soundbite contributed.

"We'd better check to be sure: who is the second greatest traveller alive?" Sanji asked, grinning.

"THAT ONLY APPLIES TO THE SNAIL-BRAT, SHIT-COOK!" Zoro roared furiously.

"It's him," we chorused flatly. Everyone's eyes then widened in realization as the facts finally processed.

"WATER!" Luffy and Usopp whooped as they ran to the top of the dune, the rest of us close on their heels.

Indeed, there on the horizon lay a large, sprawling city. One might assume that the oasis we beheld was a paradise, a safe haven from the heat and the dangers of the desert. And it was, at least in the sense that it was a relief from the heat of the desert. However, the crocodile-topped pyramid that crowned the cityscape soundly disabused us of any notion of safety.

"Rainbase at last…" I sighed thankfully, before hauling my pack off of my shoulders and pulling out my armor.

" _We're_ **he~ere…"** Soundbite sang, his tone somewhere between gleeful and ominous.

"IT'S TIME TO KICK CROCODILE'S ASS!" Luffy roared at the top of his lungs.

"AFTER WE GET SOME WATER!" Usopp bellowed at the same volume.

"AGREED!" Luffy concurred.

"Do you two think you could tone it down a bit?" Zoro huffed. He sighed as the rest of us gave him flat looks, Chopper even going so far as to lean up and _stare_ at the swordsman. "Withdrawn."

Vivi frowned as she scrutinized the golden crocodile overlooking the city. "Crocodile…" she muttered despondently.

I made to walk over to her, but thought better of it. I doubted I was a particularly comforting figure for her, and besides, I was busy kneeling over as I slid my armor onto my leg. I glanced meaningfully at Nami. The navigator took the hint and promptly slid off of Eyelashes before putting a hand on the Princess' shoulder and giving her a reassuring smile.

"Don't worry, Vivi. We're going to help you fix everything, and there won't be any more surprises along the way. Right, Cross?" she added dangerously. I raised my hands in surrender as Vivi looked at me.

"I promise, I promise. I won't hold anything back that could help anymore," I said, then froze as a thought came to my mind, remembering how Vivi greeted Crocodile in Rain Dinners.

"Actually, I should tell you—"

"HEY, CROSS! YOU HAVE ANY MONEY ON YOU?!"

I jumped as Luffy shouted an inch from my ear, and glared at him.

"Yes, Luffy, I'm a member of this crew and thus I generally have a considerable amount of money on me at any given time," I drawled flatly, twisting my wrist and latching my gauntlet in place. "I'm sorry, have you been sailing with some _other_ crew thus far!?"

"Huh?" Luffy blinked in confusion. "No, I've been sailing with you guys. Are you stupid or something?"

I slapped my currently unarmored hand to my face with a growl. "I'm starting to ask myself that question _every_ day…" I muttered under my breath.

"What took you so long?" Nami deadpanned as she accepted three metal tubes from Usopp.

"I like to think of myself as an optimist…" I sighed before eyeing her disassembled staff. "So, you ready to use that thing?"

Nami frowned uncomfortably as she balanced the rods in her hand before nodding firmly. "As ready as I'll ever be. I've read the instruction manual, so _assuming_ that Usopp learned his lesson…" At that, she gave Usopp a menacing glare that he returned in my direction. "Even if I'm not confident enough to take on Crocodile or anything like that—!"

"Yeah, no, you would get _eviscerated_ ," I cheerfully informed her. "In ten seconds flat. Eight for monologuing, one to laugh at you, and one to do the actual eviscerating."

"Cross," Sanji cut in with just as much pleasantness as he clapped his hand down on my shoulder. "I don't mind the brutal honesty so much considering who we're fighting against, but if you keep talking about Nami-swan like that, I will break your twig-spine over my knee."

"Duly noted," I nodded calmly. "In all seriousness, though, anyone lower than Mr. 2, you should be able to take down, so take confidence in your abilities. Back in the story, the person you fought—"

"CROSS!"

"Ahem…" I coughed nervously as I tugged at my collar. "Well, let's just say that as things are now, you are going to bounce her skull off the sand, and leave it at that."

Nami considered for a moment before smiling and nodding, visibly encouraged. I frowned as I thought about the others' battles: Sanji would wipe the floor with Bon Clay, and Chopper and Usopp had upgraded their weapons and skills, and honestly, Usopp could use the character development either way…

I looked back at the first mate.

"I won't spoil too much, Zoro, but I'd recommend that you start reflecting on some of your sensei's lessons that you don't understand yet. He was…" I thought things over for a moment before paling in realization. "Yeah, he was _way_ stronger than you'd expect from someone in the East Blue, because suffice to say, that sword was _not_ blunt."

"Crooooossssss!" Luffy whined, interrupting me. "Are you done talking yet? I wanna get water!"

"Yeah, come on, let's _go!"_ Usopp concurred.

"Uh, okay okay okay, one second..." I furiously wracked my mind for any other bits of advice. "Alright, don't fight Miss All Sunday, if she sees you, you're already dead. Well, maybe not you, Luffy, but you've gotta fight Crocodile, so don't let her distract you from that—"

"REALITY IS AN ILLUSION, _the planet is a mirage,_ **buy gold,** _ **LET'S GO ALREADY!"**_ Soundbite barked.

"Huh?" I blinked in confusion…before clenching my eyes shut with a groan as I felt a hand grab the back of my coat. "Oh, _for the love of…"_ I snapped my goggles down over my eyes. "Here we go ag—AUGH!"

"WAAAATEEEEER!" Luffy howled as he made a mad dash for Rainbase, dragging me along behind him, Usopp running alongside us and somehow managing to keep pace while everyone else (camel included) scrambled to catch up.

Within a minute, we'd lost sight of the rest of the crew in the dust cloud that two of the crew's three stooges were kicking up.

Within two _,_ Luffy and Usopp were in the city, making a beeline for the nearest bar.

Within _three,_ they'd kicked down the bar's door and were asking for water with all the table manners of the Dadan family, their asses parked on the first seats they saw.

Which just so happened to be right next to Captain Smoker and Officer Tashigi. Credit where it was due, my crewmates always somehow knew how to be at the right place at the right time for maximum shenanigans. And that, in and of itself, was twenty different shades of impressive.

I took a moment to dust myself off before sitting myself down between my friends and our current enemies, shooting a grin at Captain Smoker as I slid my goggles back onto my forehead. "Hello again, Smokey. Fancy seeing one of the only decent Marine officers in the East Blue here! I don't suppose I could borrow that jutte for a second, could I? I'd like to dopeslap my captain and actually have it stick for once."

Tashigi blinked at me in confusion. "Wait, aren't you—?"

"Cross," Smoker interrupted, giving me a decidedly unimpressed look. "Give me one good reason why I shouldn't crack your skull open right here, right now."

"How about two?" I grinned, holding my fingers up. "A, I'm guessing that you have questions about basically everything that's been going on thus far. And B?" I jabbed my thumb over my shoulder with a flat look. "If I move an inch, these two dumbasses will spray you with their backwash, and nobody here wants that, do we?"

" **I DO I DO I DO!"** Soundbite piped up eagerly, causing Smoker to glare in the snail's general direction and Tashigi to jump in shock.

"Sorry, I meant nobody who isn't a natural-born jackass," I corrected.

"D-Did that snail just—!?" Tashigi started to stammer.

"Devil Fruit," Smoker and I deadpanned.

The officer blinked in surprise before nodding slowly. "Uh…U-Understood, sir."

Smoker turned his attention back to me, apparently weighing his options. Then he blew out a perfect smoke ring as he sighed.

"…You're about as fast a talker as that snail of yours, Cross," he grumbled, prompting grins from both Soundbite and me.

"Ask away, Smokey," I said cheerfully.

"C-Captain!" Tashigi jerked in shock. "This is against—!"

" _Tashigi._ "

The officer stiffened fearfully as Smoker pinned her to her stool with a flinty glare.

"It's so hot that I'm sweating blood, my coat is carrying around half my weight in sand, and for all that Alabasta's culture is rich and vibrant, these people can't roll a cigar worth _shit,"_ Smoker snarled viciously. "In short, I am prepared to meet every last one of Cross's accusations against the Navy so long as it means _getting the hell off this island."_ He leaned in close. " _Is. That. Clear."_

Tashigi paled more than should have been possible _anywhere_ in this country during the daytime as she nodded frantically and snapped up a salute. "C-C-Crystal, sir!"

I grinned cheekily and chuckled as I watched the exchange. "I'm glad to see I'm not the only one with this opinion. Vivi might be my friend, but this kingdom is a place only a mostly pure-hearted princess who's lived her whole life here could love."

Smoker turned his glare back at me. "Let's make that my first question: how are you and Crocodile involved with this kingdom?"

I made a show of being perfectly relaxed as I glanced at the barkeep and tapped on the countertop. "'Scuse me, my good man, can I get some water for my friends here?" Smoker literally began to fume as the bartender nodded and I looked back at him.

"Now, then!" I clapped and nodded firmly. "Let's start with the basics: the rebellion. The reason everything went to hell so fast in this kingdom is that the criminal organization you're tracking down here, Baroque Works, has been actively inciting unrest amongst the populace. If they have their way, they'll butcher this nation from gut to gizzard. As you can imagine, that's something Vivi wants to stop at all costs."

Smoker cocked an eyebrow at me. "And how does Crocodile figure into this mess?"

I snorted darkly. "Crocodile's the founder and _leader_ of Baroque Works. He's the root cause of this madness, and if he has his way, everyone on this sandy rock will tear themselves to pieces."

"What!?" Tashigi jerked in shock. "You can't possibly be serious! Crocodile is a Warlord of the Sea, they—!"

"Of the current lineup of Warlords, only Jinbe and Hancock can be defined as even close to being decent sapient beings," I deadpanned. "The rest are all varying levels of dicks, with Kuma and Mihawk being on the fence. Trust me: with the World Government's hiring tendencies, _this_ is perfectly par for the course. Hell, compared to Doflamingo, Crocodile's operation is _tame."_

I felt my blood surge as the countertop splintered under Smoker's grip. It had been awhile since I'd been in the _fun_ kind of danger! Damn, I'd _missed_ this rush.

The Captain gnawed on his cigars for a moment before speaking. "That's one hell of a claim. I trust you have some way of backing it up."

I smirked and gave the man a shrug. "That's the easy part: We're on our way to Rain Dinners to confront the bastard right now. You come with us, chances are that he'll monologue to you guys too before trying to kill us all. What do you say, Captain? You in?"

The smoke-man remained silent for a moment as he stared at me, before looking away with a snort. "Tempting, but you're still a criminal and I came here for a reason: To throw you and your crewmates in _prison._ First I'll deal with you, and then I'll deal with Crocodile."

I spread my arms with a sigh. "Fair enough, fair enough. Though, of course, I do hope you realize that we _will_ be running like hell, right?"

"Tsk…" Smoker snorted derisively as he signaled Tashigi, prompting her to stand up and grip Shigure's hilt. "I wouldn't expect anything less from you lowlife scum. Any last requests?"

I considered the statement for a moment before grinning cheekily. "Yeaaaah, I've got one…" I leaned back slightly and cracked my back. "Can we have a head start?"

Tashigi face-faulted, Soundbite began cackling, and Smoker narrowed his eyes as he grabbed the hilt of his jutte. "Not on your life, brat."

"I'm eigh—!" I started to belt out before sighing in defeat. "Oh, screw it, with any luck that'll change sooner or later. Anyways, I expected that. For now, though, let me remind you of one of the basic characteristics of a pirate…" I allowed myself a grin as I caught sight of the bartender coming up to us with two barrel-esque mugs of water. "We _cheat._ "

Just as Tashigi started to close in on me, now glaring daggers behind her glasses, the bartender set said mugs on the counter. The second the mugs hit the wood, I leaned back on my stool and elbowed Luffy, drawing his attention. With my body no longer obscuring my crewmates' views, the two sprayed two barrels' worth of water in the Marines' faces, granting me the opportunity to add to their distraction by grabbing the fresh mugs and repurposing them as hats, though they seemed to be a size or ten too big judging by the way they completely engulfed their heads.

" _ **HAHAHA**_ HEEHEEHEE _HOOHOOHOO_!" Soundbite cackled, tears streaming out of his eyes.

"BOOK IT!" I roared as I bolted out of the bar, Luffy and Usopp hot on my tail.

"YOU COULDN'T HAVE WARNED US ABOUT THEM SOONER!?" Usopp snarled incredulously.

"And ruin the surprise? Are you nuts?" I shot back at him in mock incredulity.

"What the heck are the Marines doing here anyways!?" Luffy questioned in a panic.

"Smoker's a hard-assed paragon of justice who managed to catch wind of Baroque Works, it'd be more of a surprise if he _wasn't_ here! Now, if you'll excuse me for a second, I need to make a call." I slid my headphones over my ear, Soundbite promptly connecting me to the rest of the crew. "Heads up, guys, negotiations with Smoker have gone down the toilet. He's right on our tails!"

"GET BACK HERE, YOU SON OF A BITCH!"

I cursed under my breath and accelerated my pace as Tashigi screamed after us, a scream accompanied by a myriad of stomping feet and cries of encouragement. "OK, correction, _all_ the Marines in Rainbase are on our tail! Still, good news for you, Zoro: Tashigi's more focused on taking my head then yours!"

" _What the hell did you do, dumbass!?"_ Nami screamed through the connection.

"I…might have had Luffy and Usopp spray them with several gallons of water," I hedged. "Oh, and I also dumped a couple of mugs over their heads."

"… _do you even know the_ definition _of the word 'negotiation'!?"_

"Did you honestly expect anything else from us?" I immediately shot back.

" _He's got a point,"_ Zoro commented.

Strangled sounds of rage filtered through the connection.

" _Alright, enough!"_ Vivi interrupted. " _Cross, where are you now!?"_

"Umm…" I trailed off as I searched the streets for any indications…before blinking in surprise as we rounded a corner. "Huh, actually we're right here! Hey, guys!" I waved at our suddenly panicked crewmates.

"DON'T LEAD THEM RIGHT TO US, JACKASSES!" Nami shrieked viciously.

"Damn it! Come on, we need to run!" Zoro snarled.

"And you should probably hide your face unless you want Tashigi to rip it off!" I commented.

"Wait, Tony's not back yet!" Vivi interjected hastily.

"Yeah, but we don't have the time to find him!" Zoro snapped, grabbing Vivi by the arm and taking off running. "He's smart, he'll know to lay low. Now, _come on!"_

"Hey, wait!" Nami spoke up hastily. "Vivi, you're _royalty_! Can't you just order them to leave us alone or something!?"

"Not if we want to stay undercover, I can't!"

I grimaced as I noticed a few 'random' bystanders glancing at pictures they were holding. "Yeah, no, we are _way_ past being incognito! And besides that, Smoker's a practitioner of what I like to call 'cowboy justice'. Suffice to say that nothing short of the word of _God_ can get him off our asses, and even then I have some _serious_ doubts!"

"So, what do we do now, then?" Sanji asked.

"Now we go kick Crocodile's ass! Where do we find him, Vivi?" Luffy asked eagerly.

Soundbite gave our captain a look. " **ARE YOU BLIND** _or flat-out_ STUPID!?"

"Yes," Nami and I deadpanned together.

"It's the big building with the golden crocodile on it, Luffy!" Vivi spoke up, pointing out Rain Dinners. "It's his casino! He runs Baroque Works from it!"

"And what do we do about the Marines trying to arrest us!?" Usopp squawked in a panic.

"Psh, they're not— _oh holy shit there's a lot of them!"_ Seriously, I'd seen angry mobs that were smaller. And less pissed off.

"If I had to guess, I'd say we split up?" Sanji said to me.

"Correctamundo!"

"Sounds like a good idea," Zoro nodded in agreement. "Cross, do you think you can keep Tashigi away from me?"

"She's not Kuina, and you're only pissing her off more by not fighting her, man! Also, wouldn't Kuina herself be kicking your ass for acting like a little bitch about this?"

"Just do it already! First mate's orders!"

"Alright, alright, fine, I'll do it, eesh!" I growled, rolling my eyes. "Alright, now I just need to figure out how I'm going to get her—"

"AND NOW, _for a limited time only,_ **AS REQUESTED BY JEREMIAH CROSS!"** Soundbite roared loud enough for the whole street to hear. " _CHASE MUSIC!"_ And with that, the air was filled with a _far_ too familiar beat. A slightly twangy set of synth chords, accompanied by some sort of percussion. Cymbals, perhaps?

Then I heard the first lyrics, and I felt the blood drain from my face.

"'Animal print pants out of control'?" I repeated in numb shock. "Oh, don't tell me—"

" _I'm sexy and I know it!"_

I groaned and let my face fall into my palm. "Well, if she didn't want to kill me before—GYERK!" I squawked in panic as Nami grabbed my collar and forced us face-to-face.

" _She's not the only one!"_ she snarled viciously.

"BLAME THE SNAIL! BLAME THE SNAIL!" I hastily squawked.

"Punch Cross later, Nami!" Luffy laughed. "For now, let's go! We'll meet back up—!" He threw his arms out and launched himself up towards the rooftop. "AT THE CASINO! HEY, SMOKEY! COME AND GET ME!"

"YOU'RE MINE, KID!" Smoker roared as he blew up after him.

"Come on, Cross, this way!" Nami barked, indicating me to follow her and Sanji while Usopp, Vivi, and Zoro took off in another direction.

"So, do you think you managed to get that beautiful officer to follow us?" Sanji cooed eagerly.

I opened my mouth to respond…

"AFTER THEM!"

And promptly gulped nervously as a furious voice shrieked after us. "That's a _yes._ If there's one thing Tashigi hates more than someone using a sword for evil, it's someone insulting her womanhood!"

"Oh, yeah, speaking of that!" Nami growled viciously at me.

"Ah—IDEA!" I squawked hastily. "How about I split up from you guys so that I can draw her away, while _you_ all run for the hills and Sanji doesn't get his ass kicked because he won't defend himself?"

Nami blinked in shock before frowning in concern. "You're sure you'll be fine?"

"Eh…" I tilted my hand side-to-side. "I think so? Worse comes to worst, I'll just have Soundbite empty their innards something fierce. Have fun in Rain Dinners! Oh!" I snapped my fingers in realization. "And if worst comes to, well, even worst yet, enforce your executive authority so that Luffy _doesn't_ pull something braindead."

"Of course…" Nami groaned, rolling her eyes.

Coming up on an intersection, I spun around and ran backwards, waving at Tashigi as I did so. "HEY, TASHIGI, LIKE THE MUSIC? I PICKED IT SPECIFICALLY WITH YOU IN MIND!"

More than a few veins bulged on the officer's forehead as she wrenched Shigure from its sheath. "I WILL _CASTRATE_ YOU, YOU FUCKING PIG!"

"YOU'LL HAVE TO CATCH ME FIRST!" I spun around and turned towards the right. "Good luck, you guys!"

"You too!" they concurred as they split left.

I shouldered my way through the relatively crowded streets of Rainbase, dodging around civilians and doing my best to stay the hell away from any shifty figures who were leering at me with a _little_ too much viciousness, Soundbite's soundtrack blaring all the while.

"Any idea how many are coming after us?" I panted hastily.

" **Ehh..."** Soundbite took a moment to concentrate. " _Going by_ **all the heartbeats,** _I'D SAY TWENTY,_ TWENTY-FIVE… **PLUS THE SWORD-BITCH!"**

"Hey, show her some—!"

_BANG!_

"GAH!" I yelped, ducking as a bullet whizzed right past my ear. "Son of a—!"

"OH, _**and they've got guns."**_

"Thanks for the heads-up!" I spat. "And as I was saying, knock it off with the sexist crap! She might be our enemy, but she still deserves _some_ respect."

" **YEAH, WELL—** _ **GAH!"**_ Soundbite jerked his head into his shell as _another_ bullet nearly turned him into sticky paste. "THE WOMAN YOU'RE RESPECTING _wants your nads_ **on a platter!** _AND SHE'LL HAVE THEM_ _ **unless you fucking RUN!"**_

"Right, right…" I ground out as I looked around fretfully. Come on, come on, there had to be _some_ way out of this. Years of videogaming, don't fail me now!

Suddenly, I managed to catch sight of an open window coming up ahead of me. OK, to be specific, Assassin's Creed III, don't fail me now!

"Hold on!" I hissed out as I turned towards the window. "Pardon me!" I barked as I vaulted over the windowsill, darting through the home's halls and ignoring the shrieks of the house's inhabitants as I made my way past them. I left the house as swiftly as I went into it, shouldering open a door and dashing out into an alleyway.

"Think I lost them?" I asked.

" _Split up and surround this block! Cover every entrance and exit and scour the alleys! DO NOT LET HIM ESCAPE!"_ Soundbite relayed in Tashigi's infuriated voice.

"Didn't think so," I cursed under my breath. "Alright, start throwing up false trails, give me a way out of here!"

Soundbite clenched his eyes shut and concentrated for a second before growling unhappily. " _Too many_ **to guarantee** ANYTHING! _THINK YOU CAN_ _ **handle one**_ **IN A PINCH?"**

I scowled as I snapped my baton to full length. "Looks like I'll have to. Do it."

And just like that, the air was filled with the sounds of running coming from every direction, as well as my own voice flinging taunts and jabs from a multitude of corners and alleyways. Soundbite indicated a direction with his eyestalks, apparently too busy with his—

"Drop the damn music and _concentrate!"_ I hissed at him. "Or at least keep it out of my headphones! I don't know what's giving me more of a headache, the beat or the lyrics!"

"AHEH! _Sorry!"_ Soundbite chuckled sheepishly as he discontinued the connection to my headphones, so that I only felt the music in my bones as opposed to directly inside my head. " **Catchy, though!** _ **Oh, and take a right!"**_

"Got it!" I nodded as I complied.

It wasn't exactly easy going. I had to sneak through a number of alleyways, and all too often I had a too-close call on account of Marines passing in different directions. Still, at least I was making some progress. Hopefully I'd be able to get out of here soon enough and find some way of rendezvousing with Sanji and Chopper…on second thought, preferably Chopper. At least _he_ wouldn't fold like a leaf in front of Tashigi.

" _Heads up,_ _ **company up ahead! ONE BOGEY INCOMING"**_

Yeah, that figured.

I felt myself break out in a cold sweat as I realized that I was in an alleyway with the only way out being a turn to the right up ahead. I made to turn around—

" _NO!_ TOO MANY! **She's starting to coordinate,** _ignoring my false leads!_ _**You need to go through!"**_

Oooof course I did.

"Alright…" I muttered to myself as I started to creep towards the corner, making sure to press myself against the wall. "How fast is he coming?"

" **Slow,** _methodical."_

"Perfect…" I stood with my back to the wall at the very edge of the corner, tense and ready to go. "Once he's at the corner, tell me. I'll suckerpunch him, then you hit him with the subsonics. Ready?"

" _As I'll ever be…"_ Soundbite muttered to himself.

"Then let's do this," I nodded in agreement. The seconds ticked by at a crawl. I could feel every beat of my heart, every bead of sweat on my forehead.

Finally…

" _Now!"_

I swung out from around the corner and took a moment to identify just where the startled Marine was before spinning on my heel, ramming my elbow into the poor bastard's face with as much of my momentum as I could put into it. It was a credit to the soldier's will that all he did was stumble and curse as he clutched his nose, as opposed to just flat-out collapsing.

Still, if the way he doubled over and started to dry-heave was anything to go by, not even Marine fortitude could withstand having Soundbite play the rendition of Chopsticks from hell directly on their eardrums.

I capitalized on the soldier's distraction by grabbing the brim of his hat and using it as leverage in order to slam his face down into my knee. I finished by snapping my baton down across the back of his head, causing him to collapse and leaving me holding his hat.

" **FATALITY!"** Soundbite boomed.

"Oh, shit, please no…" I cursed as I dropped to my knee and felt around his neck. "Please, please…"

I promptly sagged in relief as I felt that tell-tale heartbeat. "Oh, thank God…" I sighed. I patted his shoulder as I stood back up and gave him a slight salute. "Thank you for your services."

"CROSS!"

I clenched my eyes shut with a hiss. " _Oooof_ course…"

" _Of course, of course, you twit,_ " Soundbite drawled.

"Not now!" I hissed before slowly turning around, finding myself face-to-face with Tashigi and several dozen troops beside. "…I don't suppose you'd believe it was self-defense, would you?"

The dozen rifles that were suddenly cocked and pointed my way were answer enough.

"Fair enough…" I tensed slightly as I prepared to run, but before I did I decided to ask _one_ question. "Let me just ask you this."

I slipped the cap I was holding over my head. "How does it look? Really, I want your honest opinion: hat? No hat?"

_BANG BANG BANG!_

"ACK!" I ducked and dodged as bullets whizzed by me, hastily bolting down the alley away from them all. "TAKING THAT AS A MAYBE!"

As I ran down the alleyway, bullets whizzing by me, I made a silent resolution: no more Mister Nice Guy.

And honestly, that was as much my creeping exhaustion as anything else. I still wasn't fully recovered from that damn desert trek.

"Soundbite…" I panted. "Where's the nearest concentration of civilians?"

" _I've got_ **AN EVEN BETTER** _ **idea!"**_ Soundbite replied, grinning. " _TAKE THE NEXT RIGHT._ I'LL LAY SOME TRAILS **and wire you the sound."**

I didn't respond, too busy panting, but I did turn right. I heard the Marines charge past and then turn _left_ , followed shortly by the squawking of a large number of chickens.

"Good idea, Soundbite…" I panted, before grabbing the small canteen I was carrying and taking a swig of water. Warm, and somewhat salty, but it was water. "OK. That's probably not going to distract them for long, so we need to keep throwing false trails like this. Which means you need to be on high alert for anything unpleasant to send them after, okay?"

" **Aye-aye,** _ **cap'n!"**_

"There he is!"

I bit back a curse and ran the other direction as a Marine pointed at me from the other end of the alley. Luckily he didn't have a gun, or I'd have likely ended up perforated.

And as I rounded the corner, I caught sight of a pile of discarded refuse and had myself an _idea_.

"Slight change of plans, Soundbite," I said, stowing the snail in my jacket before slipping said jacket off and tossing it into the pile, followed by me slipping my goggles over my eyes and bringing my facemask over my mouth. "Turn off the music for a sec, swap my voice for the voice of one Sergeant Hartman, and _be quiet_."

" _The hell are you—!_ **Ooooh…** _ **YOU'RE GOING**_ **BAVARIAN,** EH?"

"That's the plan…" I nodded slowly as I dug an old but passable coat from the refuse and draped it over myself. I then unclasped the armor from my arms, and hid it alongside my jacket, along with my headphones. Here's hoping these guys didn't think to look down.

"Alright…now!"

Within moments of me saying the words, a trio of Marines rounded the corner, weapons at the ready.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING, MARINES?!" I immediately shouted in a foreign voice without so much as a hello.

"What the—!?" The lead soldier jumped in shock before he hastily tried to rally. "Who are you?"

"WHO AM I? _WHO AM I!?"_ I scoffed, jabbing my thumb at my cap. "ARE YOU BLIND AS WELL AS RETARDED, MAGGOT?! I AM A _MARINE,_ SHITSTAIN! I WOULD SAY I WAS A MARINE LIKE YOU, BUT HONESTLY, IF I WERE EVEN HALF THAT PATHETIC, I WOULD HAVE KILLED MYSELF AGES AGO SO AS TO DO THE WORLD A MERCY! AND YOU HAVEN'T ANSWERED MY QUESTION, SO I'M GOING TO ASK AGAIN: WHAT ARE YOU DOING, YOU SACKS OF SHIT?! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE CHASING THE PIRATE!"

"Wh—th-that's what we were doing!" the soldier defended incredulously. "He came down this way!"

"ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT THAT STREET-RAT THAT JUST PASSED ME!?" I spat incredulously. "GOOD GOD MAN, YOU MUST BE A SPECIAL KIND OF RETARDED, BECAUSE ONLY A GENUINELY GIFTED NUMBSKULL COULD HAVE MISTAKEN THAT BRAT FOR A PIRATE!"

"I—what—no! Th-That's not possible, I was certain that I saw that Transponder Snail of his on his shoulder!" the Marine denied.

"WELL LA-DI-DA, YOU WERE _CERTAIN,_ WERE YOU!?" I barked out. "ARE YOU CERTAIN YOU SAW IT, COMPLETELY BEYOND EACH AND EVERY DOUBT!?"

"Ah…uh…" the Marine stumbled as he and his compatriots exchanged hesitant looks. "I, uh, I _thought—!"_

"WELL, THERE'S YOUR PROBLEM RIGHT THERE, SHITSTAIN!" I roared clear into his face as I jabbed his chest. "YOU _THOUGHT!_ YOU ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO _THINK,_ MAGGOT, YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO FOLLOW ORDERS AND FIGHT AND DIE FOR THE WORLD GOVERNMENT, NOTHING MORE AND NOTHING LESS, _IS THAT CLEAR YOU PATHETIC PIECES OF AFTERBIRTH!?"_

"SIR, YES SIR!" the Marines barked, snapping into uniform salutes instantaneously.

"GOOD GOD, YOU BASTARDS ACTUALLY HAVE _HALF_ A BRAIN BETWEEN THE LOT OF YOU! IT'S A MIRACLE! NOW!" I jabbed my finger out behind me. "AS YOU IGNORAMI HAVE NO DOUBT FORGOTTEN, WE ARE STILL ON THE TRAIL OF A COLD-BLOODED CRIMINAL! NOW, YOU WILL EITHER CONTINUE THE PURSUIT IN A TIMELY MANNER, OR I WILL HAVE YOU HOLYSTONING THE DECKS UNTIL YOU MOVE UP IN RANK, AND BELIEVE YOU ME, _THAT DAY WILL NOT COME WHILE I AM STILL ALIVE, DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR, MAGGOTS!?"_

"SIR, YES SIR!"

"THEN MOVE YOUR ASSES BEFORE I CUT THEM OFF AND HANG THEM OVER MY _MANTLEPIECE!_ MOVE MOVE _MOVE!"_

The Marines promptly moved, running down the alleyway as fast as their legs could carry them. Within seconds, they turned a corner and were out of sight.

I kept my back straight and my chest puffed out imperiously for a moment longer…

" _They're gone!"_

Before letting myself slump forward with a sigh of relief.

" _Oh-thank-you-baby-Jesus-that-was-way-too-close…"_ I slid the old coat off my shoulders and put my own back on along with my headphones, followed by me refastening my armor. "Well, at least that worked. I guess that working on the stage was a good class after all!"

" _ **You learned**_ DRAMA?" Soundbite asked me incredulously.

"Eh…" I shrugged as I pulled him out and put him on my shoulder. "Stagework, and it was just the one play, but I got the gist. Besides, overacting is easier than regular acting. In all honesty, I'd say I did good!"

I froze as the sound of metal sliding against metal rang out.

"I think you could use a few more lessons."

I cast a sidelong glare at a panicked Soundbite before slowly raising my arms over my head. "Yeah, that _would_ be how this turns out, wouldn't it?" I slowly turned around and eyed Officer Tashigi, who had Shigure pointed at my face, and the half-dozen Marines accompanying her, all of whom had their guns trained on me. "For the record, _Soundbite_ chose the music, and I only said what I did to get your attention. I respect you, your womanhood, and your ability to _totally_ gut me like a fish."

Tashigi sniffed darkly, her stance unwavering. "Excuse me if I don't believe the words of a nutcase pirate from a certifiable crew, especially when he's currently at swordpoint."

I grimaced and nodded slowly. "Fair enough, fair enough…" I started to glance towards Soundbite.

Tashigi jerked her sword at Soundbite. "If he makes so much as a peep, I'll make what you did to Petty Officer Cannali seem like an act of kindness."

" **EEP!"** Soundbite yelped, promptly withdrawing into his shell.

I withheld a curse. Well, that was one avenue of escape burnt. "The Marine I hurt is alright? I checked his pulse, but I obviously couldn't stick around for a more comprehensive check."

"You gave him a concussion, but he'll live. Not that you care," Tashigi growled.

I frowned, and for lack of a better option, decided to try stalling for time; maybe I would be able to call for Sanji or Chopper and one of them would show up…though once again, preferably Chopper, given present company. "You really think that just because I'm a pirate, I don't care about killing a Marine? I guess this is why you're only Smoker's protégé; _he_ knows when to put prejudice aside, but you're still following orders as blindly as those mooks I scared off. And yes, I do mean mooks. Competent, evil, loyal: pick two."

"The Navy is _not_ evil!" Tashigi barked reflexively.

"Call me crazy, but I think that more than a few people on Sabaody might disagree," I drawled.

Tashigi frowned in confusion. "What are you—?"

"Public Employment Security Offices," I spat acridly. " _Look it up."_

The officer continued to try and read me for a moment longer before sheathing Shigure and glancing at her soldiers. "Put him in cuffs. We'll take him back to base camp and then we'll rendezvous with Captain Smoker at Rain Dinners Casino."

I ground my teeth as I extended my wrists towards the soldiers in question. Well, _this_ was a fine situation I found myself in. With any luck, even if the rest of the crew didn't rescue me before heading out towards Alubarna, Tashigi would be forced to take me along with her when she and the Marines went themselves. From there, well…we'd be in a _literal_ warzone. They wouldn't be able to watch me forever. Baroque Works was a factor, but with any luck things would turn out for the better.

Naturally, right as I thought that, the air was filled with the sound of blaring sirens.

"What the heck!?" I jumped in shock.

" **DANGER! DANGER!** _AWOOGA, AWOOGA!_ _ **DANGER, WILL ROBINSON, DANGER!"**_ Soundbite shrieked, if not at the top of his lungs then damn near it.

"I told you to silence that snail, Cross!" Tashigi snarled, whipping her hand to her sword's hilt.

"I can't control him, and I didn't tell him to do this!" I shot back frantically. "Soundbite, what's wrong!?"

" **SOMETHING'S COMING OUR WAY!** _IT'S WIPING OUT EVERYONE IT RUNS INTO!_ _**IT'S ALL OVER!**_ WE NEED TO RUN, NOW!

"Do you _really_ think I'm going to fall for that old trick? Do you think I'm _stupid?"_ Tashigi snarled at Soundbite.

"Officer, Soundbite is arrogant to hell and back, but he's got _some_ degree of intelligence in him!" I hastily interceded. "Believe me, he's terrified of dying like anyone else, and thus he's scared of you! He wouldn't be risking you running him through for some cockamamie scheme that I sure as hell didn't greenlight! Whatever the hell he's talking about, it's _real!"_

"As though I would ever trust the word of a _pirate!"_ the Marine spat viciously.

"Now is not the time for your misguided—!"

"OFFICER TASHIGI!"

My words were cut off by a trio of screams coming from the end of the alleyway. A second later, the Marines I'd given the run around shot out like bats from hell, running towards us at full tilt with panic in their eyes.

"OFFICER TASHIGI, WE NEED TO RUN, NOW!" the leading soldier screamed desperately. "WE'RE ALL IN DANGER!"

"What—?" Tashigi started to ask, before cutting herself off as the danger in question followed the Marines.

A wave of…okay, there's no way to put this that sounds wholesome. It was a massive wave of white, viscous-looking liquid, bearing down on us in a flood of halfway _biblical_ proportions.

"HURRY!" the Marine screamed. "YOU NEED TO RUN! _RU—!"_

That was all he managed to say before the wave overtook him and engulfed him and his compatriots entirely, continuing its uncontrollable cascade towards us without pause.

" **RUN, BOY,** _ **RUUUUUN!"**_ Soundbite screeched.

" _MOVE, DAMN IT!"_ I screamed, grabbing Tashigi's jacket and dragging her alongside me as I ran to keep the _hell_ away from whatever the hell was coming after us.

And so we ran, pirate and Marines alike. We ran at full tilt, putting our all into staying the hell away from the deluge that was following us. However, our efforts were for naught. No matter how fast we ran, how many turns we took, the flood stayed _right_ on our tails. All-consuming, ever-encroaching…all we _could_ do was run.

And eventually, even that wasn't enough.

" _ **IT'S**_ **RIGHT IN FRONT OF US!"** Soundbite shrieked in panic. I spared the snail an incredulous, horrified glance for a single second before the truth of his words became clear.

With chilling silence, a _second_ wave gushed around an upcoming corner, crashing against the walls of a building before inevitably coursing towards us.

We all slid to a halt, glancing back and forth in horror as we tried to find _some_ way out.

And just like that, I managed to find one.

I didn't think. I didn't take a moment to consider, I didn't even dare _wait._

With a grunt of exertion, I threw my body forwards and tackled Tashigi, forcing us both through the door of a nearby building. The second we landed, I scrambled to my feet and rammed my full weight into the door, slamming it shut.

I'd scarcely allowed myself to breathe easy when I looked up and noticed something _just_ as terrifying as the flood outside, if not far more so.

An open window.

" _CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT!"_ I repeated frantically.

It was a testament to Marine fortitude that Tashigi recovered with remarkable swiftness, all but literally _leaping_ to her feet as she dashed to the window and grabbed the shutters.

The floods of white liquid met just as she slammed them shut.


	20. Chapter 20

### Chapter 20: Chapter 19: Repercussions! The Future's Course Is Melting Like Wax!

### Chapter Text

For a few moments, the dark room Tashigi and I were in was relatively silent, devoid of all noises apart from our heavy breathing… damn, this situation was just a plethora of double entendres. Now, if only they didn't all have the potential to _kill me!_

"Holy _fuck…"_ I breathed wearily, sweat coating my face. "What… What the hell was _that!?"_

"No idea…" Tashigi groaned from where she was leaning against the window. "'Enlist in the Navy,' they said; 'Visit exotic locations!' they said; 'Look at all the shirtless, muscular sailors we have!' they said. I never signed up to be chased by white flash floods in the desert. Do you see any way out of here without instantly drowning in… whatever that stuff is?"

" _It's not_ OUT THERE **anymore."**

"Huh?" I blinked at Soundbite in confusion. "What are you talking about?"

Soundbite shrugged, inasmuch as he could. " **A few seconds** _ago, IT_ **SOUNDED LIKE** _ **water OUT THERE.**_ NOW… _there's nothing."_

"Really?" Tashigi questioned before sighing happily. "Well, that's a relief. For a second there, I was worried about my men. I'm glad they're alright."

The Baby Transponder Snail grimaced miserably. "THEY _aren't."_

Tashigi fell silent as she processed Soundbite's words. "W-What? But you just said—!"

I grimaced as realization swept over me. "He didn't say that they were alright, Officer," I grimly informed her. "He said that there's _nothing_ outside. Nothing."

Tashigi was still for a moment before shaking her head, slowly at first, but picking up speed until it was outright frantic. "No… no, no, no! Th-That's not true! I don't believe that! They have to be alright, they have to!" The Marine made to jerk back from the window... and only made it a few inches before jerking to a halt. "W-What the—!?" Tashigi jerked in place a few times without success. "M-My hands! I-I can't move my hands!" she squawked in panic.

"Huh!?" I yelped incredulously. "Hang on a sec, let me—!" I made to stand up, but was promptly jerked back as well. "The hell—?" I tried to push myself away from the door as hard as I could, but to no avail. "I'm freaking _stuck!"_

"Nononono…" Tashigi started repeating desperately, planting a foot on the wall and redoubling her efforts to escape.

I joined her with just as much desperation, planting my limbs on the door and trying to push myself away. Luckily, it seemed that only my back and upper arms were—! I promptly froze for a second before shutting my eyes with a groan. "If I had enough mobility, I'd slap myself…" I muttered acridly.

" _ **Huh?"**_ Soundbite blinked in confusion.

In lieu of response, I jerked my chin downwards. "Think you can get my zipper?"

Soundbite's eyes promptly widened in realization. "OOOOOH… _OKAY! **BANZAI!**_ " And with that, Soundbite shifted his mass to hop off my shoulder, snagging my jacket's zipper with his teeth as he descended, unzipping it entirely. " **TA-DAH!"** he whooped as he swung free.

It took a little bit of twisting, but I eventually managed to slip my way out of the sleeves of my jacket and step away from the door. Turning around, I was treated to the _very_ disturbing sight of my jacket hanging from the door, stuck fast to the wood.

"And that…" I muttered darkly as I picked up Soundbite and put him back on my shoulder. "That _right there_ is why I wear a redundant layer of clothing…"

" _Bastard—!"_ Tashigi growled out from where she was still tugging viciously at her arms, both of her feet planted on the wall.

I blinked in confusion for a moment before the penny dropped, at which point I scowled darkly at her. "Really? You really think I'm just going to leave now? You're really accusing me of lacking basic human decency, again, just because I'm a pirate? Now, believe me, I get the logic, envisioning pirates as not being human makes it easier to kill them, but guess what? That's just not true: we're as human as you are, for better or _worse._ Hell, between the two of us, _you're_ the one who's showing less decency here, automatically thinking the worst of me after I just SAVED YOUR LIFE. Now, are you willing to work together with me and let me help you, or do you _want_ me to leave you here to _starve?"_

Tashigi snorted viciously as she stared over her shoulder at me before looking down with a grimace. "… fine. _Fine,_ just… just help get me out of here!"

I nodded in understanding as I walked over to her. "On it. Now, what exactly is wrong?"

Tashigi shook her head miserably as she continued to tug her arms. "I… I think that some of whatever that was outside must have splashed through or seeped between the planks or- or something! And then… well, look!" She moved aside slightly, giving me a clear view of her hands. As far as I could tell, they were encased in a solid mass of white… _something_ that was at best a finger's-width thick _._ "I-It's like it's _hardened_ or something. Whatever it is, it's stupidly strong, I can't move anything from the wrist down!"

I frowned as I looked the material over. "What the hell _is_ this stuff…" I muttered. I rapped my fist on the material contemplatively, and my eyes promptly widened in horror as the stuff let out a thick rapping noise like wood. "Ooooh, that can _not_ be a good sign…"

"Son of a _bitch…"_ Tashigi whimpered miserably.

I scratched contemplatively at the casing with my finger, and I came away with several specks of white material. I gave the stuff an experimental rub, and as I did I felt a memory trying to break through the surface, like Reverse Mountain all over again. Acting on a hunch, I unlatched one of my gauntlets and slid it off before giving the material a feel. It was lumpy and uneven, but oddly enough, the closest comparison I could draw was to a—!

"Candle…" I whispered numbly as I shoved my gauntlet back on. " _Shit."_

"What?" Tashigi looked at me in confusion before scowling and shaking her head furiously. "Never mind! Look, if you know what this stuff is, then get rid of it! My men—!"

"Those men are _dead,_ Tashigi!" I said, cutting off the denial.

"No! _No,_ you're wrong!" The Marine shook her head harder as she started straining furiously against her makeshift shackles, the skin starting to tear ever so slightly. "Your snail must have made a mistake, they can't be—!"

I slammed my fist into the wall. "Damn it, Tashigi, _listen to me!"_ I snarled. "This stuff is wax, created via the abilities of the Wax-Wax Fruit. It's a liquid at first, but the _second_ it hardens, it becomes as hard as _steel._ Do you understand what I'm saying?" I pointed at the window. "If any of them had their mouths open when that stuff got them, it would have gone down their throats, maybe even entered their _lungs._ And even if they had them closed, we _still_ wouldn't have enough time to get out of here and save them before they _suffocated!"_

I huffed heavily for a moment as I came down from my tirade before shaking my head solemnly. "I'm sorry, but they're dead, Tashigi. And unless you want to join them, you need to grit your teeth, soldier up and _move. On._ Understand?"

Tashigi huffed heavily as she stared out the blocked window with half-dead eyes for a moment before forcing herself to tear her gaze away and look at me. "How do you know about this stuff? This... This 'Wax-Wax Fruit'?" she asked weakly, obviously trying to distract herself.

I sighed in relief as she allowed herself to relax ever so slightly. "We—the rest of the crew and I—faced the user before, on Little Garden. He's known as Mr. 3." I nodded as Tashigi's gaze turned steely. "Yeah, he's a Baroque Works Officer Agent, a master tactician whose mission was to wipe us and Vivi clean off the face of the seas. Normally, sick bastard though he is, I'd say that this kind of shit wasn't his style…" I grimaced as I connected the dots. "But this isn't _his_ play. At a glance, I'm guessing that your mobilization of the troops must have spooked Crocodile, so he's having Mr. 3 literally whitewash the streets of any and all Marines so as to safeguard his plans…"

I shook my head furiously as I ran my fingers through my hair. "But none of this makes _any_ sense…" I muttered more to myself than anything. "Crocodile should have turned 3 into a living _husk_ for failing his mission, why isn't he in the belly of a—!" The blood drained from my face as realization hit me. "Bananagator, _shit!"_

Tashigi stared at me in confusion. "What the hell are you—?"

I held her gaze for all of a second before hastily turning around and stepping away. "Find the rest of the crew, NOW!" I barked at Soundbite.

"Huh?!" Tashigi twisted around as she tried to keep track of me. "Hey, what—!? GET BACK—!"

"And tune her out, both ways!" I snapped, jabbing my thumb over my shoulder. Tashigi's voice was instantly drowned out by a wall of white noise.

The next moment, an electronic whine heralded Nami's furious voice cutting through the air. " _CROSS!"_ she shrieked viciously. " _You had damn well better tell me how the hell we're getting out of this cage_ right now, _or so help me God—!"_

"Nami," I cut her off coldly. "You are my friend, and on any other day I would let you say whatever the hell you want, but now is _not_ the time! The situation you're in is a _lot_ worse than you think it is."

" _What's wrong?"_ Zoro immediately asked me.

I shook my head miserably as I reran the correct sequence of events in my mind. "Long story short, you guys would normally get out of that cage on account of one of the Bananagators spitting up Mr. 3, who was fed to the things by Crocodile for failing on Little Garden. He'd make a key with his wax and you guys would get out, scot-free."

" _And the reason why we can't just do that is…?"_ Usopp asked uncomfortably.

"Because Mr. 3 is up here trying to kill me and every last Marine he can find," I summarized flatly. "He almost managed to turn me and Tashigi into modern art, and I'm confident he's not done yet."

Silence reigned for a moment.

" _Uh… I know I'm not very smart, but even I know that's not good,"_ Luffy stated dully.

"Truer words have rarely been spoken…" I sighed in grim agreement. I stood in silence for a moment before reaching a decision. "Look, I don't have a snowball's chance in hell of taking down an Officer Agent on my own. Unless you guys want to drown in several metric tons of water, I'm going to need to get Tashigi to help me, and if I'm going to get her to help me, I need to tell Smoker too. I won't tell them everything, but…"

" _H-Hey, wait!"_ Chopper's voice suddenly cut in.

" _ **He just**_ **came into** _range_ A MINUTE AGO _,"_ Soundbite explained.

" _What about me and Sanji?"_ he inquired hastily. " _W-We're still out here too! Why don't we handle Mr. 3?"_

"Because you guys have the infinitely _harder_ task of luring Crocodile out of Rain Dinners so that we can get 3 to everyone else in the first place," I informed them grimly.

" _And if he refuses to cooperate?"_ Zoro growled darkly.

"I'm going after him with a halfway world-class swordswoman who, once she gets over the shock of losing her men, is going to be flat out _ticked,_ to put it politely," I summarized in a faux-casual tone. "At this point, whether he wants to cooperate or not is no longer a factor."

" _Wait!"_ Nami cut in. " _Forget bringing him down here, take him_ out _. I've got a better idea for our predicament. Oh, and Cross? Thanks for the idea. I probably wouldn't have thought of it on my own."_

"Um...?" I blinked in shock as I processed the statement. "I… you sure about that? Because seriously, allow me to re-emphasize: metric tons of _water."_

" _I'm sure, Cross,"_ Nami emphasized firmly, not a hint of doubt in her voice. " _Don't worry about us, just take Mister Three_ down."

" _Oh, Nami-swan~!"_

I rolled my eyes with a sigh and jerked my hand across my throat, prompting Soundbite to cut Sanji off. I was silent for a moment longer before nodding in agreement. "Alright… alright. Tashigi and I will stop Mr. 3. Chopper and Sanji will provide a distraction to get Crocodile and All Sunday out of the way, and you get everyone else out of the cage. Sound good?"

" _Perfect."_

" _I-I guess…"_

" _Have fun, Cross! Oh, and don't die!"_

" _Same here, brat."_

"I'll do my best, guys," I said dryly, then glanced at Soundbite. "Alright, bring in Smoker and Tashigi."

I turned around and walked back to Tashigi, smiling 'innocently' at her. "Sorry about that, private matters. You understand."

"You son of a—!" she started to curse me out.

" _Language, Tashigi,"_ Soundbite drawled in a bored voice.

Tashigi instinctively jerked into as much of a salute as she could manage. Which wasn't much. "C-Captain Smoker, sir!"

" _At ease, Officer,"_ Smoker growled out. " _Report: what's your condition?"_

"I, ah…" Tashigi trailed off uncomfortably, obviously having a hard time finding the words to describe just how thoroughly things had gone to hell.

I decided to spare her the trouble. "The Marines who were with her are dead, Captain," I informed him morosely. "Killed by Mr. 3 of Baroque Works. And chances are that many more are going to die if he has his way. As for Officer Tashigi herself, she's fine. Stuck in a bad position, but fine."

Soundbite's expression darkened as he mimed chewing, no doubt mirroring Smoker's own furious disposition. " _Is that so… then I suppose we'd better move our men out of harm's way. Snail!"_ Soundbite jumped in shock as Smoker apparently addressed him. " _Does your range reach the rest of my men who are still alive?"_

"UMM…" Soundbite concentrated momentarily before nodding. " _Yeah, I CAN REACH_ **a few squads."**

" _Connect me to them. NOW!"_

Soundbite yelped in terror before swiftly complying. " **YOU'RE LIVE!** "

" _This is Captain Smoker to all Marines in Rainbase,"_ he announced firmly. " _As of this moment, there is a Baroque Works agent slaughtering every Marine he comes across with extreme prejudice. On account of how I am currently… incapacitated, I am giving you a direct order: Get the hell out of Rainbase. Round up every patrol that hasn't heard these orders, get back to base camp, and retreat to a quarter mile out of the city. Evacuate all civilians as you go, chances are that this bastard isn't discriminating. Furthermore, until further notice, Chief Petty Officer Nomaru has command. Now get the hell out of here. End transmission."_

Tashigi and I stared at Soundbite in open-mouthed shock, and even the snail himself seemed surprised at what he'd just said.

"Holy _shit,_ Smoker," I breathed numbly.

"Captain…" Tashigi started hesitantly.

" _Officer Tashigi,"_ Smoker promptly interrupted. " _As of this moment, I am deeming this a World-class incident. That means that you are fully authorized to cooperate with that pirate and no consequences will blow back on you. Your mission is to locate Mr. 3 and subdue him. Alive, if at all possible. I want him to enjoy Impel Down's tender mercies for what he's done. Is that clear, Officer?"_

Tashigi stared dumbfoundedly at the snail for only a second more before clenching her jaw and nodding firmly. "Crystal, sir."

" _Good, now get to it. And cut this line, I think someone's com—"_ Soundbite promptly cut himself off before grinning eagerly. "WELL, _**let's get**_ **TO IT!"**

Tashigi nodded numbly in agreement before turning her gaze on her wax cuffs. "Alright… Alright. Let's get me out of here. You-You said that this stuff as hard as steel once it hardened, right?"

"Not even Z— _er…"_ I hastily reconsidered what I was about to say. " _Luffy_ can break this stuff without using another piece of it. For now, at least…" I muttered to myself.

Tashigi bit her lip uncomfortably as she processed this before scrunching up her eyes in resignation. She then leaned as far back as she could manage and twisted so as to proffer her hip to me. "Use Shigure. Swing as hard as you can. Make it as clean as possible."

I blinked at her in numb shock as I processed what she was asking me. I then proceeded to give her a flat glare. "Wow, you are way more like Zoro than I gave you credit for," I deadpanned. "Now, where's your lighter?"

A vein bulged on Tashigi's forehead as she visibly fought to keep from ripping my head off. "What the hell are you—!?"

"Tashigi," I cut her off, my voice studiously neutral. "It's _wax._ It's hard as steel while it's solid, but you know what one of the most prominent characteristics of wax _is?"_

The Marine stared at me questioningly for a moment before her eyes shot wide in realization. "It melts…" she breathed.

" _It melts,"_ I repeated firmly. "And considering how you work for the face of chain smoking in the East Blue, I don't have any doubts that you have a source of ignition on your person. Now, do you want to be here until the sun goes down, or do you want to tell me where it is!?"

Tashigi visibly debated with herself for a moment before affixing me with a chilling glare. "If you touch me, in _any_ way, I swear to the heavens that I will run you through and _gut you_ _like a fish."_

My eye twitched viciously for a moment before I came to a decision: I was _done_ putting up with this absolute _bullshit._

_THWACK!_

"OW!" Tashigi yelped, her head jerking forwards as I dope slapped it. "WHAT THE HELL!?"

"You wanna be treated equally?" I demanded impatiently. "That's how we handle things when one of our crew is being an _idiot_. Now, will you please do me the favor of telling me where the damn lighter is!?"

Tashigi glared at me impassively for a moment before looking away with what was most likely shame. "The inside right breast pocket."

Ah. Alright, that justified the attitude a bit. Though that certainly didn't mean that I had to _like it._ Nevertheless, I grabbed hold of the hem of her jacket and pulled it away from her body before searching the pocket in question. I was gratified to come back with an average-sized lighter.

"Thank you," I nodded politely. "Now, if you'll excuse me." I turned around and started to walk away.

"H-Hey, HEY!" She twisted in an effort to keep track of me. "Where the hell do you think you're going!?"

I turned around and gave the Officer a flat look. "I'm going to take this lighter and use it to set the nearby orphanage on fire before kicking an old lady into the street. Then, just for kicks, I think I'm going to rob the widows and orphans fund, use it all to buy up all the ice cream in town, and not share _aaaaany_ of it. You know, a typical Tuesday for us pirates."

" _ **MUHUHAHAHAHAHAHA!"**_ Soundbite cackled malefically.

Tashigi huffed and rolled her eyes tiredly. "And _without_ the sarcasm?"

I gave the lighter a pointed shake, the flat look on my face not faltering. "This lighter isn't going to make a big enough flame to put even remotely close to a significant dent in that much wax. I'm going to search the house and see if I can't find some cloth or paper or anything that I can use to get a decently sized blaze going. It's gonna get hot like hell, but I don't see what other options we have. Now, if you'll excuse me—" I turned back around.

"Wait—!"

"You can arrest me for trespassing and robbery _later,"_ I shot over my shoulder without looking back.

"No no no, not that!" Tashigi hastily pleaded. "I-It's just…" she trailed off uncertainly.

I glanced over my shoulder at her.

Tashigi was looking down at the floor, before glancing up and meeting my eyes. "Look… check and see if there's a kitchen anywhere. Cooking oil, sherry—"

"Flammables…" I breathed in realization before grinning eagerly. "That'll work perfectly! I'll see if I can soak a rag in the stuff! Oh!" I came up short as realization hit me. "And I'll see about filling up a bucket with water too, because seriously, to emphasize: _hot_ like _hell_. Good chance you're not coming out of this without _some_ kind of a scar."

"Right…" Tashigi nodded nervously, before blinking and jerking her head up frantically. "Ah, nonono! Not water, not water! A thick cloth or some baking soda, but you do _not_ use water for an oil fire! How do you not know this!?"

I winced self-consciously before shrugging helplessly. "Hey, to be fair, I'm not our ship's cook and I'm a literal college dropout—long story—besides. I don't typically get anywhere _close_ to oil fires if I can help it!"

"Just…" Tashigi hung her head with a groan. "Just hurry up already, will you?"

Shaking my head, I began searching the mercifully abandoned house and was gratified to come upon a nicely stocked kitchen. I started looking through every drawer and cupboard I saw, and fairly quickly found a bottle of sake. When the kitchen failed to turn up much in the way of rags—I guess that they just let the desert heat do that part of the job—I resorted to a dresser I saw. A bit more searching, which resulted in giving me the impression that I never wanted to meet the owner of this house—dear _God,_ where did they find the energy!?—rewarded me with a decently sized towel, just big enough for what we needed.

I moved back over to Tashigi, and she watched with some apprehension as I carefully poured the sake over the towel, then wrapped it over the wax, leaving a big enough dry corner hanging away from it for me to grab in a hurry. With that done, I flicked open the lighter, and glanced back at Tashigi.

"Ready?" I asked nervously.

She allowed herself to laugh weakly. "That's a joke, right?"

"God, how I wish…" I muttered to myself before steeling my nerve. "Alright, one, two—!" I shoved the lighter beneath the rag—

_FWOOSH!_

And the cloth lit up instantly, giving off a respectable amount of heat that already had Tashigi grimacing in pain and some of the wax starting to drip.

"How long do you think this will take?" she asked uncomfortably.

"Well, my friends managed to break out of a full-body glazing in a matter of seconds, but that fire looked like something straight out of a kiln, _sooo…"_ I shrugged helplessly. "I guess just keep trying to flex your fingers, and once you actually feel the burn, get your hands out of there? Aaaand hope that the smaller flecks don't actually stick to your skin like steel, too."

Tashigi grimaced, and we lapsed into silence as we watched the fire burn and listened to the wax slowly, so _so_ slowly, drip off.

"How much?"

At least, until Tashigi suddenly spoke up.

"Huh?" I blinked in confusion.

"How much is Princess Nefertari paying you to protect her?" she clarified, obviously trying to keep the conversation civil.

I pondered the question briefly before shrugging. "Well, if Nami had her way, we would be a billion beris richer once this bout of madness was over and done with."

" _E-Excuse me!?"_ Tashigi sputtered in shock.

" **JACKPOT,** _baby!"_ Soundbite crowed.

"That is a _ludicrous_ amount of money!" the Marine squeaked.

"Yeah, Nami just _loooves_ her money," I drawled in a deadpan before grinning. "Luckily, I managed to sate her lust for wealth—and dear _God_ am I being literal in that phrase—before we actually met Vivi, so she wasn't actively sniffing out a payday. Though honestly…" I chuckled mirthlessly. "I doubt we'd take it if she offered anyways."

Tashigi cocked her eyebrow in disbelief. "Oh, really? And why's that?"

I shrugged matter-of-factly. "Because she's our friend, duh."

Tashigi's expression didn't change in the slightest. "Excuse me if I don't believe you."

"Yeah, yeah, I know, pirates and all that," I grumbled. "Honestly, it is a little unbelievable when viewed out of context. You had to have been there."

"I'm sure." The swordswoman gave an experimental tug at her wax restraints, sighing when they only gave half an inch. She then fell contemplatively silent before giving me a curious look. "What… did you mean earlier?"

Now it was my turn to cock my eyebrow. "Would you care to be more specific, or shall I guess?" I didn't even flinch at the glare she pinned me with. "Hey, to be fair, you were being sassy for the past few seconds. Aren't you Marines supposed to be all about fairness and stuff like that?"

Tashigi huffed and refocused her attention on trying to free herself. "Roronoa. What did you mean earlier, when you said Roronoa and I were more alike than you gave me credit for? Because I promise you, we are _nothing_ alike."

I blinked in shock as I realized just what she was referring to before promptly snorting in amusement. "More alike than you'd think, seeing how your first reaction to not seeing any other way out of the wax was to try and chop your limbs off."

_That_ caused Tashigi to freeze before slowly turning her awe-filled eyes on me. "He… he really tried to do that?" she asked numbly. "To… to cut his arms—?"

"Legs," I interjected with a shrug. "Mr. 3 managed to trick him and snag him. He was willing to cut his legs off above the ankles, all so that he could have a fighting chance. And he actually got, and I quote, 'about halfway through 'em' before Luffy managed to bail him out."

" _Seriously?"_ Soundbite whistled in awe.

"He wasn't all _there_ when it went down," I emphasized slightly as I jabbed my thumb at Soundbite, who thankfully got the message. "But yeah, pretty much. You can say anything and everything you want about Zoro, but you can't deny that he's a damn fine swordsman."

Tashigi's expression promptly darkened as she gave her arms an extra-hard yank. "Yeah, I really can't. It's a shame too. If he weren't a criminal, he'd make an incredible Marine."

"HA!" I barked.

" _And again,_ **HA!"** Soundbite concurred.

"What!?" Tashigi demanded.

"Lady, I assure you, Zoro would make a _terrible_ Marine," I swiftly promised her. "He would take absolutely _none_ of any of his superiors' shit, his sense of direction is so bad that he can literally get lost going in a straight line, he sleeps almost eighteen hours out of twenty-four—and God help you if you interrupt the training or sword maintenance he does with religious fervor when he's awake—he'd drain the entire base of alcohol in less than a week, sake first, and… um…"

" **HE'S** _ **gru~mpy~!"**_ Soundbite sang eagerly.

"And he has an attitude, yes," I nodded as I pointed at the snail before shrugging. "And all that besides, working with the Marines would mean that he'd never get the chance to acquire the two things he wants the most in this world. Though, really, they're the same thing in the end."

_That_ refocused Tashigi's interest on me. "A-and what would that be…?"

I spread my arms helplessly. "Easy: Dracule 'Hawk-Eye' Mihawk's head, and the title that comes with it."

And _that_ lost Tashigi's interest anew in favor of making marginally more progress with the stupidly persistent wax. "The greatest swordsman… I'm not even surprised," she growled more to herself than to me. "Arrogant, vicious, cowardly…"

I pursed my lips and bit my tongue as I listened to her rage against Zoro slowly devolve into wordless grumbling. After a minute or so, however, I came to a decision.

"Hey," I interrupted her, albeit hesitantly. "Your conversations with Zoro, they're not likely to ever develop much farther than 'I will defeat you, Roronoa!', right?"

Tashigi gave me a half-hearted glance out the corner of her eye before going back to ignoring me in favor of the wax.

"And it's almost certainly a guarantee that this conversation we're having is _never_ going to be shared with anyone else outside this room save for whatever bits and pieces Soundbite decides to blurt out, _right_?"

I accompanied that last word with a pointed glare at Soundbite, who for his part simply whistled innocently through his massive smile.

"Get to the point or be quiet, Cross," Tashigi ordered.

"Do you want to know just _why_ Zoro is so focused on becoming the best?" I asked her, causing her to freeze. "Why he will _never_ let you have the Wado Ichimonji so long as he lives, and why you'll have to literally _cut_ it out of his cold, dead fingers?"

Tashigi turned her head to stare at me dead on, a war obviously raging in her mind.

"I'll tell you," I offered slowly. "But _only_ if you promise not to tell Zoro, because there's a good chance that he will open me up for telling you, and if you do, I _will_ tell Smoker that you wanted me to cut your hands off, and you _know_ you'll catch hell for it."

Tashigi remained silent for what might have been a full minute, her expression unreadable. Finally, she nodded her consent.

"Well, in that case," I spread my arms invitingly. "The easy response is thus: remember how he said that you look like a girl he knew that died a long time ago?"

Tashigi actually jumped in shock at that, despite the loosening wax still encasing her hands. "How do you know about—!?"

I smirked slightly as I jabbed a thumb at the snail on my shoulder. "Lady, let me let you in on a little secret: when your partner is the world's best eavesdropper, the list of things you don't know is shorter than the list of things you do."

" _I'm a_ **badass,** BA- _BY!"_ Soundbite crowed.

Tashigi spared a glare at the snail before turning back to me. "What does Roronoa's dead girlfriend—!?"

"No no no!" I interrupted her, jabbing my finger up hastily. " _Not_ girlfriend, they knew each other when they were around twelve or so, so their relationship was _not_ romantic. No…" I stared at the fire burning on the wax contemplatively. "No, if she was anything, Kuina was Zoro's rival… and his clear superior."

Tashigi's eyes widened in awe. "S-Superior?"

"2000 times, they dueled," I intoned gravely. "2000 times, he _lost. Badly._ Hell, she was his first, his very first defeat! Before that, he was cutting down dojos like wheat, but Kuina? Kuina stopped him _cold."_

The Marine was staring at me in awe, obviously trying to connect what she was hearing with the Zoro she knew and despised.

"Now, the point where this all becomes relevant is on the 200 _1st_ duel," I emphasized with a single finger. "After 2000 straight losses, Zoro's pride was… well, not so much bruised as tenderized. So, he proposed a final duel. This one with _real_ swords. He used two ordinary katana," I sighed heavily. "And Kuina used her prized possession, a sword that had been passed down through her family for generations. You know it as the Wado Ichimonji."

Tashigi hissed in a frantic breath against her will.

I was silent for a moment before spreading my arms helplessly. "2001 fights, 2001 losses. But this time was… different. See, Kuina expressed some doubts that she had. She lamented the fact that she was a girl because she knew it would make her physically weaker than boys and she said that one day, maybe even one day soon, Zoro would manage to beat her, _uniquely_ because of her gender."

Tashigi _winced_ miserably before forcing herself to look away, attention returning to the wax. She was even making halfway decent progress, too.

"Zoro called bullshit on that."

And just like that, progress stopped.

"He said," I continued slowly. "That if he ever managed to beat Kuina, then it would be by skill and skill alone. That whether she was a boy or a girl… it didn't matter one _bit._ That night, they made a pact. Him or her, one or the other, it didn't matter. Either way… one of them _would_ become the greatest swordsman in the world. And that, as they say, was that." I couldn't hide a wince at this next bit. "Or at least, it was for Kuina."

"W-What do you mean?" Tashigi asked.

I bowed my head solemnly. "The next day… Zoro found out that Kuina was dead. She died by falling down the stairs. An accident. Apparently, she was…" I sighed heavily. "Looking for a whetstone, of all things."

Tashigi's expression immediately became stricken, her mouth dropping open wordlessly. "…ah."

"So you see, that's why you'll never have much luck fighting Zoro head-on," I explained solemnly. "Because you'll never be fighting him head-on. When you fight him, you're not just fighting one of the best masters of the blade in our generation. Zoro trains and fights with the strength of _two."_

"Ah…"

"And I suppose you now see why Zoro has a hard time facing you at all. You looking like Kuina, it brings up a lot of emotions in him that he has a hard time dealing with. But really, don't think for a second that it's because of your gender. A lot of people might think that's a good excuse, but not Zoro. And certainly not me either, for that matter!"

"Ah!"

I frowned in confusion at Tashigi's unintelligible response. "Er, are you agreeing with me or—"

"AGH, THE FIRE, DAMN IT!" Tashigi shrieked, visibly straining against the wax. Strain that was actually making a difference, for that matter.

"Oh, shit!" I cursed, hastily running behind Tashigi and wrapping my arms under her shoulders. "Alright, pull on three, one two _THREE!"_

Tashigi and I immediately yanked back as one. It felt like I was pulling her through a wall of stupidly thick honey, but eventually—

_SCHLOCK!_

Our efforts bore fruit as I suddenly tumbled onto my back, with Tashigi rolling off of me as she came free, her arms thankfully free of both the wax in general and any smaller flecks or chunks that could have possibly stayed stuck to her arms. We both remained prone for a moment before hastily scrambling to our feet.

We were both silent for a moment until I decided to try and keep the peace we had going. "So…" I started slowly.

"This conversation never leaves this room," Tashigi interrupted me with a cold glare. "This conversation changes _nothing_. We are not friends, we are not partners, we can barely even be defined as _allies._ We are going to find Mr. 3, we are going to take him down, and then, if there is _any_ real justice in the world, I will _personally_ put you and your crew in cuffs before putting an end to Crocodile's plans. Understood?"

I grimaced and nodded slowly in agreement. "Yeah yeah, understood."

"Good," Tashigi started to nod before scowling viciously. "And _take that off!"_ She lunged at me and snatched the cap I was wearing off my head.

I blinked in surprise at the thing before giving her a bemused look. "I will be one-hundred percent honest with you: in all this madness, I completely forgot that I was wearing that."

Tashigi sniffed darkly as she waved the cap in my face. "This is a symbol of the integrity, moral fortitude, and valor of the Navy. You don't have the _right_ to wear it."

I raised my hands in surrender. "Fair enough, fair enough. Now, can we _please_ get out of here and stop the sadistic sociopath with the Devil Fruit ability?"

Tashigi glared at me for a moment longer before nodding in agreement. "Fine. Now, how would you suggest that we get out of here, seeing how the door is most likely sealed shut?"

" _The wax_ **didn't go** ON THE OTHER SIDE _of the_ **HOUSE** ," Soundbite offered.

"That's as good a way out as any," I shrugged before cocking my eyebrow at Tashigi. "Now, do you want to go first, or do you want me where you can keep track of me?"

The _shink!_ of Shigure being drawn and pointed in my face was answer enough.

"Alrighty, then," I muttered as I walked past her, going through the kitchen and locating the backdoor. I pushed through it, emerging into a mercifully unscathed but no-less-conspicuously abandoned street. Huh, must have been the front door. Makes sense, we _did_ enter through the alley.

"Alright…" Tashigi muttered. "Which way is he, snail?"

"I _**have a** NAME, you know,"_ Soundbite grumbled before yelping fearfully, presumably on account of the cold steel that jabbed past my face.

"Look at just how much I care."

Soundbite ground his teeth nervously before jerking his head to the left. " _THAT WAY,_ **give or take** _ **half a mile."**_

"Alright, move it," she commanded, thankfully withdrawing her blade in the process.

I wordlessly followed her orders, marching down the streets and following the directions Soundbite provided. We continued for a few moments until Tashigi decided to break the silence herself.

"So, this Mr. 3," she started slowly. "What does he look like?"

"Thin guy with glasses and black hair, usually has it tied up in the shape of a three above his head," I blandly summarized.

I could tell that Tashigi paused for a moment in shock. "Wait, seriously? I thought he was supposed to be some kind of discreet agent or assassin or something!"

I grimaced darkly. "At a guess, he's not that worried about witnesses surviving to spread his codename around."

"Mmph… good point. Alright, weaknesses?"

I frowned. "Well, for starters, his hair catches fire when he uses his powers; we used that against him last time—I think anyways, things got kind of nutso, all a bit of a blur. Besides that…he's really arrogant, not prepared to believe that rookies would be able to outsmart him. Oh, and physically? He's a serious wimp. _I_ could probably take him in a fistfight, and believe me, that's an accomplishment."

"But you said that he doesn't typically use his powers for a tidal wave of wax? Strange, because that worked devastatingly well."

I shrugged. "He goes by the philosophy 'without mastery, power is nothing'. Simply put, he's a perfectionist and a twisted 'artiste' besides. And much as I hate to say it, he manages to pull it off surprisingly well; he almost managed to kill our whole crew before Usopp managed to break—"

I cut myself off from reciting details from the story as I recalled another possibility. I glanced at Soundbite.

" _Please_ tell me that Goldenweek isn't here, too."

"Who?" Tashigi asked, bewildered, as Soundbite focused.

"Miss Goldenweek, Mr. 3's partner. She's a hypnotist who focuses her powers through paint. If she's here, then chances are that we'll need to look out for lifelike wax-replicas of people to boot, and _that_ would be less than fun."

"NOT _**today. SHE'S** not _HERE, _THREE'S_ **flying solo** ," Soundbite reported.

I heaved a sigh. "Thank God for small miracles…" I took a moment to glance around the street. "Where is everyone, anyways?"

" _ **Some indoors,**_ _some_ LEFT WITH **the Marines.** _OTHERS…"_ Soundbite fell uncharacteristically silent. " _ **Others didn't**_ **make it."**

I glanced at the snail with mounting dread as we rounded a corner. "What do you mean—?"

And the second I caught sight of what lay ahead of us, my words died in my throat.

The first thought that ran through my head was… white. White on the walls, white on the ground… and white on the people. So many people. A small crowd of them, civilians and Marines alike, all with rough caricatures of fear molded onto their faces. All running as fast as they could away from something. Obviously not fast enough.

I grit my teeth furiously as I walked past them all, disgust and hate and a building rage vying for control. "Son of a bitch…"

Tashigi slowly matched my pace and walked alongside me, observing the Marines with a forcibly blank expression. "You're _certain_ that there's no way possible to get them out?" she asked quietly.

I wrenched my gaze forwards as I shook my head. "Not a one. Heck, even if they were still alive after so long, the entire reason Zoro tried to cut his legs off was that he couldn't cut through this stuff. Well…" I cocked my head to the side slightly. "Not yet, at any rate."

Tashigi looked at me in shock. "What are you talking about?"

I briefly considered how to answer her before spreading my hands helplessly. "Let me put it this way: the only swordsmen in the world capable of cutting anything… are those who have learnt how to cut _nothing."_

"That is a very cryptic and unsatisfying answer," Tashigi deadpanned.

I shot a glare at her out of the corner of my eye. "Then arrest me."

" _Ain't no law_ **AGAINST BEING** _ **cryptic and unsatisfying,**_ OTHERWISE ALL THE OLD MASTERS OF THE WORLD _WOULD BE OUT OF BUSINESS!"_ Soundbite chimed in.

Tashigi rolled her eyes, and her fingers twitched towards Shigure's sheath before she settled for just saying, "I should have expected some kind of making light of the situation from you. As long as it's not you or your crew in the wax, why would you care at all?"

I stopped walking as I heard those words, and I felt something in my mind come _very_ close to snapping.

"Keep moving, pirate."

Aaaaand that was the straw that broke the camel's back in half.

I rounded on the Marine and grabbed her collar, pointedly ignoring the sword she shoved in my face. "First and foremost," I droned frigidly. "The only reason I'm making jokes in this situation is that I'm not numb, and unless I translate the sensations I'm feeling into excitement or otherwise, they're going to become terror and I'm going to curl up in the fetal position, crying and pissing my pants. If I _had_ chosen to do that, we'd both be dead in that alleyway. You're welcome for that, by the way."

"Let go of—!" Tashigi started to snarl before I cut her off by yanking her in close so that I was snarling directly in her face.

" _Second,"_ I barely refrained from literally spitting. "Knock it off with your high-and-mighty morality _bullshit._ Three times now, you've painted me with the same black brush as anyone else who flies a Jolly Roger; what have I, or _any_ of my crew for that matter, done to deserve that? I accept that most pirates are scum of the seas, it's a fact, but if you'd take _two seconds_ to look at the Straw Hat Pirates' track record, you'd realize that _we're not like that._ We have never raped, we have never pillaged, we have done things that are dangerous, destructive and even morally questionable, but _nothing_ unforgivable. My friends and I are not saints and I'll admit that for some of us, _decent_ is a goodly stretch, but _none_ of us are the monsters you make us out to be!"

I shoved her away and took a distancing step back from her before continuing. "But you know what?" I spread my arms invitingly. "Go ahead. Go ahead and say whatever the _hell_ you want about me, about my crew. But before you do, you have to admit to one thing, one simple, _unequivocal_ fact."

"And what's that!?" Tashigi snarled back.

I jabbed my finger at her accusingly. "That the flag you follow is no worse than mine. That at its core, the Navy is just as black as you accuse us to be. Worse, even."

" _THAT'S A LIE!"_ the Marine screamed indignantly.

"YEAH, IT IS!" I roared back. "Because you know what? You're right! The Navy _is_ white! You're just understating it, because you see, they take 'white' past the point where it becomes bad. Past the point where it becomes something _unspeakable."_

"What the _hell_ are you talking about?" Tashigi spat.

"Oh-ho-ho, where to even _start?"_ I laughed humorlessly, wracking my brain for a moment before snapping my fingers as I came to a conclusion. "Oh, I know! Let's start in the North Blue! The once-opulent White City of Flevance!"

"That was an epidemic!" Tashigi shot back. "The lives lost were a tragedy, but—!"

"They were lost in _vain,"_ I retorted. "Get any doctor to actually, legitimately _examine_ a case of Amber Lead poisoning, and you know what they'll tell you? It's _genetic._ Passed down from parent to child over _years._ You could breathe in Amber Lead dust for _decades_ and the only people who would suffer would be your _third generation_ of offspring. But the doctors outside of Flevance got the wrong conclusion and were too scared and too _stupid_ to fact-check, so they deemed it to be a plague. The World Government didn't bother to investigate, didn't bother to ask, didn't bother to even _try._ And you know why?" I spat in the wax. "They. Didn't. _Care."_

"Even if I believed that, which I _don't_ , how the hell would you even know?!" the Marine demanded indignantly.

"This isn't about me," I promptly deflected. "But you know what? Fine! Let's move the aim of our discussion. Somewhere more… familiar. The East Blue, for example! Ever hear of the island of Tequila Wolf?"

Tashigi frowned in thought. "It's… a cordoned off island in the northern part of the East Blue that's been designated as a working place for the impoverished…"

"Hm…" I made a show of scratching my chin in thought. "Working place… that's a funny way to say 'biggest slave camp in the hemisphere.' Oh, yes!" I nodded at Tashigi's shocked look. "Slave camp! That's been running for seven _hundred_ years, all on the orders of the World Nobles. Why, you might ask? To build a _bridge._ Where this bridge leads, why they're building it… hell if I know! Personally, if I had to guess, one of them decided way back when that they wanted an easier way to get to their summer home on another island and their descendants haven't let anyone _stop it._ But hey, then again, I could just be giving those sick fucks too much credit."

Tashigi stammered incoherently for several seconds, and I cut her off before she could formulate her thoughts enough to deny what I said again.

"But hey, you might ask how I know about that, too. So, how about I move to another relevant topic, using nothing but public knowledge. Nico Robin: The Devil's Child, wanted at a whopping ฿79 _million_ , apparently for the crime of destroying six, count 'em, _six_ Marine battleships… at the tender age of eight. Now…" I chuckled sardonically as I raised my hands in a shrug. "I don't know about you, but personally, I only see two ways something like that could possibly go down: either A, the Navy is a _lot_ more incompetent than I give it credit for, or B… That story is a steaming pile of _bull."_

"And I can explain it with two words: Devil. Fruit," Tashigi shot back.

"Mmmyeeeaaaahh…" I slowly nodded in agreement before shifting to a shake. "Buuuut no. See, her powers aren't anywhere near that kind of a capability."

"And how the hell would you know, huh?" Tashigi demanded. "I thought that you were keeping to public knowledge!"

"Well, allow me to mix in some personal experience, because I've _met_ her!" I took a brief moment of solace in Tashigi's thunderstruck expression. "She's Crocodile's second-in-command, goes by the name of 'Miss All Sunday'. She came onto our ship shortly after we met Vivi. Why she didn't kill us, I couldn't tell you, but I _can_ tell you what her powers are." I tilted my head back and indicated my neck. "The Flower-Flower Fruit. Capable of generating her body parts from just about anywhere in her line of sight. I know because she created an arm on my torso and used it to _choke me."_

Tashigi blinked slowly as she considered my words. "But… But that doesn't—!"

"Make any sense?" I finished for her. "Doesn't match up with the Marines' version of events? Because after all, you only get _one_ Devil Fruit your entire life, and _that one_ doesn't sound like it's capable of levelling six battleships to me. You?"

"I… but… it can't…" Tashigi stammered for a few more seconds, but then her expression grew hard again. "…Excuse me if I don't believe you when the linchpin of your argument is your own word. Sure, if this 'Miss All Sunday' _is_ Nico Robin and she _does_ have the Flower-Flower Fruit, I promise you that I'll apologize. Hell, I'll even promise to research those other places you mentioned if you're telling the truth. But you haven't done anything to make me blindly trust you."

"Fine by me!" I spread my arms invitingly. "If my words are wasted on you, then that's no skin off my bones! But know this!" I marched up to her and jabbed my finger in her chest, high enough that she couldn't make anything of it. "If you're going to put yourself behind a flag and support it with every fiber of your being, then you'd better be able to say you know it, inside and out, and _trust_ every last part of it. I know every member of my crew, and I trust them all _with my life."_ I leaned in and narrowed my eyes accusingly. "Care to say the same?"

Tashigi's expression grew uncertain again, and she slowly opened her mouth, perhaps to rebutt me, but no sound came.

Instead, a different sound rang out.

Applause. Slow, mocking, self-aggrandizing applause.

" _Shit!"_ Tashigi, Soundbite and I chorused as we whipped our head arounds to stare at the source of the sound, who was clapping from on top of a wax-coated building.

"Well, this has been a most entertaining and…enlightening exchange of morals," Mr. 3 drawled, folding his hands behind his back. "And I will _certainly_ have to see about exploiting a fair amount of what you've shared with me at a later date, but for now? I do believe that it's time I killed the both of you."

"Hold that thought, Mr. 3," I growled. "I'll save you the trouble and kill one of us right now. _Soundbite?"_

Soundbite glanced around in confusion before paling dramatically. "TH-THERE'S STILL _something_ **where he WAS** _ **making noise!"**_

"Mmmyesss," Mr. 3 blandly stated. "While I'll admit to the majority of our exchange on Little Garden being… _fuzzy,_ at best, your little pet's abilities stayed with me, so I decided to take precautions just in case. Care to know one of the most fundamental abilities an assassin holds in their repertoire?" The wax-man's grin became cruel. "How to hold your breath for a very, _very_ long time. Well…" He tapped a wax vest he was wearing that I hadn't noticed before. "That and a little something I threw together that apparently succeeded in masking my heartbeat. As for the distraction, it's a wonder what one can achieve with knowledge in engineering and an endless supply of resources. But!" Mr. 3 waved his hand lazily. "I'm afraid I'm digressing. Time for you to die."

Tashigi whipped her hand to Shigure's hilt—

_SHUNK!_

And promptly froze in place, her eyes slowly drifting down to stare at the shaft of white wax piercing her gut. "W-What—?" she stammered unintelligently.

I had just enough time to catch sight of the wax shifting and bubbling around Tashigi's feet—

SH-SH- _SHINK!_

When said wax proceeded to _explode_ with over a dozen more such shafts, all piercing up into the air nigh-instantaneously. For a scant moment, I was afraid that Tashigi had been turned into a _literal_ human pincushion… until I noticed the distinct lack of blood from anywhere except her sole source of impalement. As it was, none of the other spears had _actually_ harmed her, and were instead keeping her trapped by crisscrossing around her and forming a simultaneously impenetrable and inescapable forest of wax poles, like a diabolically engineered bamboo forest whose sole intent was to serve as the Marine's prison. Only one of Tashigi's arms appeared to have any degree of movement available to it, but even that wouldn't be of much use if the way she was letting it hang limply was anything to go by.

"I do believe that that will suffice for the good Officer at the moment," Mr. 3 sniffed imperiously. "Who knows? I might even leave her like that. Might as well… _diversify,_ for lack of a better word. Now then!" He brought his other arm around, revealing the flowing wax he'd been hiding behind his back. With a near-careless gesture, he motioned the limb upwards, causing an ornately decorated staircase to rise from the pool of wax that was seamlessly hidden on the ground. He grinned malevolently. " _Your turn."_

I turned around to run, but was immediately met with a barrier of wax at _least_ ten feet tall rising before me before I could take so much as a step. I mentally cursed a thousand times over as I turned around and caught sight of Mr. 3 casually strolling towards me. I hastily scrambled to slam my headphones over my ears. "Alright, screw making him sick, try and blow his fucking eardrums out!"

"I'm afraid—" Mr. 3 interrupted Soundbite before he could move his mouth, "that you'll find that to be a most… _fruitless_ endeavor." He tapped his ear with a smirk. "Earplugs, and formfitting ones at that. Lip-reading, such an… _invaluable_ skill, wouldn't you say? But still, just in case…" He raised his hand menacingly. "If your pet's jaws show any signs of opening, I promise you that I will fill it, and I _don't_ mean its mouth."

Soundbite hastily shut up, and I clamped my hand over his mouth for good measure. Mr. 3's smirk grew into a sadistic grin.

I furtively wracked my brain for some way, _any_ way for me to keep this bastard off of me until I could come up with _some_ kind of plan. Thankfully, I managed to latch onto a stray thought and force it out my mouth. "How are you still alive?" I demanded desperately. "We kicked your ass on Little Garden, and I _know_ that Crocodile is _beyond_ intolerant when it comes to failure. You should be a dried-up _husk!"_

3 blinked in surprise at the question before chuckling sardonically. "Well, now… to be quite honest, I almost was. I accompanied my fellow Officer Agents here to Rainbase and decided to involve myself with the ongoing meeting. As expected, Mister Zero was _quite_ infuriated with me." He narrowed his eyes menacingly. "Imagine my surprise, however, when he explained that the cause for his ire was a rather _fraudulent_ report that he received in the midst of the madness that _you_ caused us on Little Garden. You wouldn't happen to know anything about that, _hmm?"_

If the way his sneer intensified, my face must have betrayed me. "Thought so. That little ploy of yours very nearly got me killed, which, I will admit, I can somewhat respect. I was supremely fortunate to be able to explain the situation, and convince him that it was the truth before he managed to drain more than half of my body's liquids from me. The rest, as they say, is history."

I frowned as I considered that; that was almost exactly the way things had happened before, and Crocodile hadn't forgiven him then. What had changed? Sanji picked up the call, passed himself off as Mr. 3, Crocodile believed him, and then…

It was only the advancing enemy and the fact that my hand was covered in metal that kept me from facepalming. The Unluckies. Those furry-ass _fuckers._ They didn't attack Sanji and interrupt the charade, they didn't plant a seed of doubt with Crocodile about Mr. 3's trustworthiness. And they didn't attack Sanji because—!

…because they were attacking me.

The world swayed slightly beneath me as the implications hit me. All of this madness, this death, all because of me. Because I diverted the Unluckies, they didn't interrupt Sanji. Because they didn't interrupt Sanji, Crocodile gave Mr. 3 a chance to explain himself. ' _For want of a battle, the kingdom was lost… all for the want of a horseshoe nail'._

The click of leather on wax served to break me out of my thoughts, and bring my focus to Mr. 3's cocky sneer.

But that wasn't true, was it? The battle might have been lost because of a nail, but _he_ was the one who started the damn battle in the first place. I didn't cover these people in wax, I only made it _possible._ I wasn't without blame, but I'd be damned if I was stupid enough to think that I had the lion's share!

I scowled angrily. Dammit, I was brooding! The _exact_ thing that the BROB that stuck me here tried to prevent, even! And this smug _jackass_ , the one at fault here, had the fucking audacity to _smile_ after what he'd done?

Fuck. That.

I stepped forwards and threw my entire body behind a punch directed at the center of the smug bastard's face.

Naturally, all that my fist hit was the lump of molten-but-not-hot wax that was 3's own hand. And considering the wax's viscosity, my punch being halted mid-swing was to be expected. 3 cocked an eyebrow at the wax before giving me a flat look. "Did you _honestly_ expect that to succeed?"

"It felt damn good to _try,"_ I spat.

"Hm…" Mr. 3 thoughtfully tilted his head to the side. Then he buried a fist covered in _hardened_ wax in my gut.

" _HOORF!"_ I wheezed painfully, doubling over around the boxing-glove-shaped construct he'd formed. It took all I had to keep my lunch where it belonged, much less my legs under me.

"You're right, that did feel good!" the candleman laughed.

Soundbite whimpered miserably as he watched the events in terror, grinding his teeth fearfully as he balanced on the knife's edge of yelling with all he could and staying as silent as possible.

"Now then…" Mr. 3 held his hand up, wax churning menacingly. "Let's finish this. Rejoice! For I shall now make you into a work of art. From the inside—!"

_SHINK!_

Mr. 3 froze, blinking in confusion as his wax sloughed off of his hands. "Out?" he breathed, apparently unable to believe whatever what had just happened.

Rather than look a gift horse in the mouth, I reared my arm back and _rammed_ my elbow into his face, dead center. The sound of his cartilage snapping against my armor brought me no end of relief.

3 stumbled back from me, clutching at his shattered nose. He made it three steps—

_THUNK!_

When Tashigi brought Shigure's hilt down on his skull, laying him out for good and revealing the bleeding slash on his back that had cut clean through his wax vest.

"That was for my men, you bastard…" she hissed, clutching the bleeding wound in her gut.

"Oooh, I _think_ you might have cut his spine," I winced.

Tashigi snorted and shook her head firmly. "No, I didn't. Smoker said he wanted him alive. I follow orders…" She gestured at the bisected shafts of wax behind her. "And I only cut what I _want_ to cut."

I stared at the display in awe as I processed just what the implications _were._ "You… you figured it out…" I breathed.

Tashigi huffed heavily as she flipped Shigure in her grip and slid it into its sheath. "It was… easy." She winced and doubled over as her body was wracked by shudders. "Once the life was draining from my body, anyways…"

"Hey hey hey, whoa!" I yelped, running to her side and propping her up. "Don't you dare give up on me now, Officer, don't go dark! I still need you with me, we _still_ need to find our captains!" I tried to brainstorm anything else I could possibly say… and I grinned eagerly as a thought struck me. "Hey, come on, Tashigi, don't frown or anything! This is a good time, a happy time! You should be _smiling!"_

"Why?" Tashigi wheezed, leaning on me heavily. "Because we took that bastard down? That's… just my job…"

"Ah, come on now!" I grinned winningly. "If you love what you do, then you won't work a day in your life! But, ah, nah. I rather meant the fact that Zoro doesn't know how to do what you just did. Know what that means?"

Tashigi blinked blearily as she tried to force her synapses to fire. "Ah…?"

"It means…" I started to stride forward, dragging her with me. "That right now, and for approximately the next twenty-four hours, out of the two of you, _you,_ Master Chief Petty Officer Tashigi, are a superior master of the blade in comparison to Roronoa Zoro. Now, ain't that just something to live for?"

The Marine woman stared at me in shock. "I—t-that—b-but—!? I-isn't Zo-Roronoa your crewmate?"

"Eh, fuck him, Zoro's a dick," I shrugged indifferently.

" _HE DON'T_ **RESPECT** _ **our AU-THORI-TAY!"**_ Soundbite over-pronounced in a familiar drawl.

"Technically speaking, Zoro outranks the both of us, so he doesn't _have_ to respect our 'au-thori-tay,'" I shot back. "But… still, you get the point, right?"

Tashigi was contemplatively silent for a moment before slowly nodding in agreement, energy flowing back into her form. "Yeah… yeah, you're right…" She chuckled grimly, in spite of the obvious pain that lanced through her features. "Fuck him."

Soundbite and I laughed eagerly. "That's the spirit!" I crowed. "Now then!" I slid out from under Tashigi and allowed her to support herself, clapping her on the back as I did so. "On your feet, Marine! This battle is only _just_ getting started."

She swayed for a few seconds before managing to establish her balance. She took a tentative step forward, then another, and pretty soon she was ambling along at a good pace, if a bit wobbly. I kept my pace even with hers as we approached Rain Dinners, a silence between us that I would dare to call comfortable.

Well, aside from the fact that Tashigi was still bleeding onto the ground. Hopefully Smoker's unit had some medics on hand. I blinked as I ran that sentence through my head again, and glanced at Tashigi.

"Do you want to order some of your unit's medics to meet us at Rain Dinners?" I asked.

"WOULDN'T _do her any_ **good even if she WANTED TO,"** Soundbite frowned. " _THEY'VE MOVED_ **slightly** _too far_ **for me to** _ **REACH THEM.**_ SORRY."

Tashigi looked at the two of us, her expression unreadable. "…Thanks for the offer," she muttered before shaking her head firmly and plastering a confident expression on her face. "But it doesn't matter either way. I'm a Marine, we're made of sterner stuff than you pirates."

Soundbite and I shot her flat looks.

Tashigi adopted a look that was a _tad_ too innocent. "What? It's just a fact. After all, I take a spear to my gut and I barely even cry out, you get punched once and you look like you're about to toss your lunch."

I would have been indignant if it was one of my crew saying that. But considering whose mouth it was coming out of, I decided to settle for waffling between 'impressed' and 'righteous fury'. "Oh-hoh, bite me, Marine bitch!" I grinned with as many teeth as I could muster. "You think that that cute little _flesh-wound_ is impressive? Puh- _lease,_ Zoro's _eaten_ stab wounds to most of his body for dinner, and that was before he settled on having his chest sliced open for breakfast! He'd be able to take that without so much as _flinching._ "

Tashigi accelerated her pace as she grit her jaw. "How typical of a criminal: defending their pride against any and all perceived threats! Are you sure you aren't overcompensating for something?"

"You started it, Marine bitch!" I shot back as I matched her step for step.

"Pirate bastard!"

"Jackboot-grade thug!"

"Lowlife scum-of-the-seas!"

We continued the volley of insults until we were within sight of Rain Dinners, both of us out of breath by that time. We paused our back-and-forth for a few seconds, glaring daggers at each other. I tried to keep it up… but in the end, I couldn't stop the grin spreading over my face, and if the way Tashigi was digging her fingers in her open wound was anything to go by, she was only _just_ managing to keep her scowl in place.

"My, my, Officer, what a mouth on you!" I teased viciously. "What _would_ Smoker say if he were to learn of it?"

"Not a word, Jeremiah, unless you want to see what color your innards are," Tashigi retorted.

_That_ drew an honest wince from me. "Alright, alright, fair enough. Just, don't make a habit of calling me by my first name, alright? I much prefer to go by my family name."

_That_ got Tashigi blinking at me in shock. "Wait, Jeremiah isn't your family name?" 

I opened my mouth to respond with a dry 'obviously', but took a moment to reconsider. "…ah, I see your confusion. Yeah, naming conventions of my home are flipped. It was either Cross or some variation of 'Jeremiah', and none of them really appeal to me in any way, shape or form."

Tashigi made to respond…

_SPLOOSH!_

When we were both interrupted by a sound coming from Rain Dinners. We snapped our heads around… and were confronted with the sight of a massive cluster of air bubbles rising to the surface of the pool surrounding the casino. My heart skipped a beat.

"Please tell me that that wasn't their air," Tashigi whimpered.

"You really think we're that _lucky!?"_ I snarled as I dashed towards the water, discarding my gauntlets and hopping forwards as I fought to do the same with my greaves.

Tashigi was running right alongside me, struggling her way out of her jacket and working Shigure's sheath out of her belt.

She and I were just about to toss aside Shigure and Soundbite, respectively, and jump in… just as my crewmates and her boss burst from the water, desperately gasping for air. I blinked, gaping slightly as I processed the sight, and then looked to Nami as she clambered onto the shore. "Looks like you managed to get out of there pretty well."

The navigator hacked up half a lungful of water before grinning cattily up at me, raising a hand and spinning around two thin rods of metal in her fingers. "Crocodile might be a criminal mastermind, but he is a cheap _bastard_ when it comes to locks. A South Blue double-tumbler deadlock _without_ any of the typical security features or precautions one might expect? _Please._ I almost felt insulted."

I stared at the lockpicks in awe before firmly planting my hands on her shoulders. "You beautiful, _brilliant_ bitch. If I wasn't certain you and Sanji would kill me and you weren't one of my closest friends, I almost think I could bring myself kiss you."

Nami laughed as she chopped her hand down on my head with only enough force to give me a minor goose-egg, or half her strength for the uninitiated. "Good thing you can restrain yourself, you couldn't afford it in a lifetime!"

"Heh."

I snapped an incredulous glare at Smoker, or rather at the slight smirk Smoker was directing at me. "Oh, so _that's_ what makes you laugh!?" I paused as I thought things over. "That makes _waaay_ too much sense…"

"I've never seen him smile before," Tashigi said under her breath. Smoker's eyes fell on her, and the smirk was gone the next moment as his eyes fell on her bleeding gut.

"Don't worry, Tashigi already gutted Mr. 3 like a fish and left him intact enough for him to become Warden Magellan's problem," I reassured him hastily before glancing at Tashigi. "And considering the way she's been carrying on, I'm fairly certain it looks worse than it is."

Smoker was silent for a moment as he stared at Tashigi before taking out a pair of cigars from a no-doubt waterproof tin in his coat and starting to click a lighter before them. "Is that so?"

Tashigi nodded stiffly. "I… I think I might be holding in one or two folds of intestine, but apart from that, yes."

Smoker finally managed to achieve a flame, and he took in a breath of nicotine. "Good. In that case…" He blew out a hefty cloud of smoke. "On to business."

Zoro's sword clashed with the Marine's jutte the instant he drew it. I sighed in exasperation and made to tell them to stop acting like idiots, when I was instead confronted with a _stupidly_ familiar blade coming to rest over my shoulder. "Seriously!?" I hissed indignantly.

"This is the first time I've said this to a pirate, Cross," Tashigi huffed painfully, "but I am sorry for this. I'm a Marine, you're a pirate. You're all under—"

" _ENOUGH!"_

"HOGEEZE!" I hissed fearfully as Shigure twitched towards my face on account of Tashigi flinching.

The source of the flinching was _very_ obvious indeed: Vivi roaring furiously with more impotent rage and authority than I thought she had in her.

"Listen to me _very_ carefully," she snarled in a tone of icy calm. "You _will_ release Mister Jeremiah, and you _will_ leave my friends alone, or I swear that I will do _everything_ in my power to make you regret your actions _for the rest of your miserable life, DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR?"_

Tashigi shivered as she obviously tried to discern what to do, but she thankfully withdrew her blade. "Ma'am, please—!"

"No, you will _listen to me, Marine!"_ Vivi spat as she marched upon the wounded Marine and started jabbing her in the collar. "You have been hounding me and my friends from the very moment we set foot in this country, _my_ country, and I am _sick of it!_ I am giving you a direct _order_ : stay away from the Straw Hat Pirates, or pay the consequences!"

"And who do you think you are, ordering my Officer around?" Smoker huffed, more lazily than anything else.

That was the wrong question to ask.

Vivi spun around and glared at the Marine, looming over him like an oncoming storm. "Who am I?" she hissed imperiously. "I am Princess Nefertari Vivi, daughter of Queen Nefertari Titi, now passed, and King Nefertari Cobra, heir to the Alabastan throne, twenty-third in the ancient and honorable line of Nefertari, and friend to Monkey D. Luffy and his crewmates, who are the _sole_ reason that I have survived this long. Cross warned me about you, Smoker. He said that nothing short of the word of God would be able to convince you to give up your pursuit of justice once you got started. Well, guess what? I might not take pride in it, I might even be deeply ashamed of it at times, but for better or worse, the fact is that I _am_ descended from one of the twenty gods who created this world, and I _do_ have the power to match that claim. So! You _will_ let us go, you _will_ gather your troops and lead them to Alubarna so as to stop this revolution, YOU _WILL_ RESPECT MY AUTHORITY AND YOU _WILL SHOW ME THE RESPECT I AM DUE_ , _IS THAT CLEAR,_ CAPTAIN _SMOKER?"_ she screamed, quivering with righteous fury.

Everyone, be they pirate or Marine, stared at her highness in awe.

"Holy _shit_ , Vivi," I summarized flatly.

Tashigi was downright quaking in her boots by this point, the woman who had fearlessly cut down an assassin not an hour ago looking ripe to piss her pants. Smoker's external reaction was one of stoic calm, but I could see the sweat dripping from his temple, and I'm pretty sure it wasn't from the heat. After a few seconds, he slowly sheathed his jutte and turned his attention back to his subordinate.

"I suppose that it's for the better that we forego persecuting them for now; we have bigger things to worry about. This situation is worse than I could have imagined."

"No, it isn't."

Smoker shot a _look_ at me. "Explain."

I shrugged matter-of-factly. "Simple: Nico Robin has never desired to revive the Ancient Weapons, and nothing Crocodile can say or do will break her. He lost the second she became his ace in the hole."

Smoker, along with most everyone else who heard me, gave me a quizzical look. Tashigi, for her part, took one look at the confusion on Smoker's face and paled.

"Who's Nico Robin?" Nami asked.

"You know her better as Miss All Sunday, the cocky bitch who met us after Whiskey Peak and who brought Vivi to Rain Dinners. Sorry about not warning you, by the way," I directed at the princess. "But it was better that you get in there somehow. And don't worry about Pell, for that matter. Zoans are tough sons of bitches, something as trivial as vertebral trauma won't cause him any lasting damage." That got a sigh of relief from her.

"What do you mean about Crocodile already having lost, Cross?" Smoker demanded.

I held up my finger. "Easy: Crocodile's ultimate goal, the whole reason he created Baroque Works and caused this rebellion, is to get his hands on Pluton. However, as Pluton is an Ancient Weapon, the only record telling where it is and how to activate it is recorded on a Poneglyph. Nico Robin is wanted by the World Government and was recruited by Crocodile because she is one of the only people, if not _the_ only person on the face of the planet capable of reading Poneglyphs. However, where Crocodile fucked up is that he doesn't know how Nico Robin _uses_ the Poneglyphs: she doesn't care about activating the Ancient Weapons, and she would sooner die than cooperate with him. As I said: he's already lost. The only question now is how much fallout he'll leave in his wake. _That's_ what we need to stop. Simple, no?"

"At the risk of repeating myself, Cross… _how the HELL do you know all of this?_ " Tashigi demanded incredulously. "And before you say it, I _seriously_ doubt that your snail could get you _that_ kind of knowledge!"

"I'd like to know that as well, Cross," Smoker huffed as he glared at me. 

I smirked mysteriously. "Sorry, but that's for me to know, and you to agonize over. Buuut…" I grinned cheekily. "You two _are_ damn decent Marines. If you were to, saaay, leave the Navy and—?"

"Not gonna happen," Smoker snorted.

"No way!"/ "Not a chance in hell!" Zoro and Tashigi chorused before proceeding to glare daggers at each other.

I spared a snicker at their reactions before shrugging helplessly. "Then I suppose that you'll have to settle for living in obscurity."

" _So~_ RRY!" Soundbite sang eagerly.

"But!" I clapped my hands firmly. "I am afraid that we are digressing! There is still a revolution to be halted and a megalomaniacal _asshole_ to be tossed into the deepest pits of Impel Down. So unless there's anything else," I jabbed my thumb over my shoulder, "what say we bounce?"

"Yeah!" Luffy whooped, throwing his fists up eagerly. "Let's go kick Crocodile's ass!"

Zoro kept his glare with up Tashigi for a moment longer before huffing and turning his gaze away. "Aye-aye, Captain."

"Chopper's waiting for us this way with a way to get to Alubarna, come on!" Sanji shouted, indicating us down one of Rainbase's wider roads.

"Hold it!" Smoker barked.

I hastily dug my feet into the ground, casting an aggravated glare over my shoulder at the Marine. "What part of 'revolution to be halted' did you not get!?" I demanded.

Smoker didn't respond as he looked me over, contemplating me before huffing out a cloud of smoke. "Back in Loguetown, you called me a 'decent' Marine, then said that that was a good thing because there are too many 'good' Marines in the world. What's the difference?"

I contemplated the question for a moment before deciding how to answer. "At its simplest… good Marines follow their rules to the letter and will sacrifice all for the sake of justice. Decent Marines, Marines like you… They sacrifice everything for the sake of all. _Even_ justice, if it comes down to it."

The rest of the crew and Tashigi both looked between Smoker and I with expectant expressions as I said that. Smoker's eyes had widened the slightest amount in response to my answer, but beyond that his expression was unreadable. I waited…

"I see," he said at last. "And you honestly believe that the Navy has more good men than decent men?"

I gave him a sickly smile. "Honestly? As of this moment, I can name four decent Marines off the top of my head. Two are here, the other two are long dead. Mark my words, Smoker: you may not believe me now, but if everything goes the way Vivi wants and this country is saved, you're going to see the eight of us as more righteous than your bosses before we leave this country."

Smoker was silent for a moment longer before grunting noncommittally.

I took that as a good sign. "Now, unless anyone _else_ has something they want to say?"

"Um…" Tashigi stepped forward hesitantly.

"GAH!" I winced as Vivi grabbed my ear and _yanked._ "Owowow, I _swear_ I was kidding!"

" _Don't TEMPT_ **fate!"** Soundbite chortled.

"I-I'll be fast, I swear!" Tashigi stated hastily before digging around in her jacket. "I-I wanted to give you…" she withdrew the cap she'd taken off of me and held it out, "this."

I blinked at the cap in surprise as I slowly took it from her. "Huh? But, I thought you said—!"

"In light of recent… developments…" Tashigi winced as she tightened the grip on her wound. "I… take back some of what I said earlier. I-In spite of the method through which you acquired it—!"

" _ **FATALITY!"**_ Soundbite sang.

"Inappropriate," I hissed out of the corner of my mouth.

The snail had the good graces to wince as he thought things over. " _Point…"_

" _In spite of your methods,"_ Tashigi pointedly repeated. "I-I think that Petty Officer Cannali wouldn't object to you keeping it."

I looked the hat over in awe as I processed the implications before slowly slipping it over my head. "I… thank you, Officer. A lot. I'll probably have to dye it to keep other pirates from attacking me on sight, but, ah… yeah, thanks."

"Cross!" Sanji barked from down the street. "We need to _go!_ What happened to that urgency you had?"

"Ah, right!" I exclaimed, starting to run down the street. "Back to business! Thanks for the gift, Tashigi, or 'Marine pig-dog' as is more appropriate of our roles, but now I must go! It wouldn't do for a decent Marine like you to die in the madness!"

I got a few feet before I heard Tashigi call after me. "I never thought I'd say this Cross, but same to you! I'd rather handle good pirates like you myself!"

"HA!" I barked jovially. "That's where you're wrong, Tashigi! We're _not_ good pirates! None of us are! Matter of fact, we're some of the _worst_ pirates you'll ever see!"

Soundbite chose not to enhance the Officer's voice, so I didn't catch Tashigi's response to that, if she gave one, and I refocused on running as fast as I could to catch up with the rest of the crew. The fact that I actually succeeded was a testament to just how effective Zoro's training had been for me. Even if achieving the end still didn't make me like the means. We ran until we reached the edge of the city, and a large cloud of dust became visible, growing nearer every second.

" **Giant Enemy Crab!"** Soundbite exclaimed.

It wasn't long before the cloud's source revealed itself to be a… yeaaah, it was like Laboon all over again; while Scissors wasn't _that_ titanic, I don't think I really braced myself to be ready for meeting a crab the size of a house. A _big_ house. A big two-family house with a porch and a white-picket-fence yard.

"Hey, guys!" Chopper waved eagerly from atop Scissors' head.

"Hola, hombres! So you're Chopper and Eyelashes' amigos, eh? Nice to meet you all! Especially, the señoritas!"

I stared at the crab with a twitching eyelid for a moment before pinning Soundbite with a flat look. "You have absolutely _no_ sense of decency, do you?"

" _I ate its liver_ **with a side of fava beans!"** Soundbite cackled.

"Should have seen _that_ coming…" I muttered under my breath before gesturing at Scissors. "Well, come on! Everyone on board the crustacean express, running nonstop to Alubarna!"

" _CHOO CHOO!"_ the Baby Transponder Snail whooped.

We hastily clambered onto the crab's back, and Chopper snapped the makeshift reins he'd fashioned for Scissors. Just as the mega-fauna started the trek, however—

" _INCOMING!"_ Soundbite hollered fearfully.

" _NOT TODAY!"_ I shouted back, grabbing Vivi's shoulder and yanking her below the massive hook that came within _inches_ of yanking her off of Scissors' back.

Vivi stared over her shoulder fearfully. "Thanks, Cross."

"Not even half a problem," I reassured her. I then proceeded to turn around and shout at the retreating skyline of Rainbase. "LOOKS LIKE YOU LOSE THIS TIME, SAND CRO— _GACK!"_

I was cut off by a large hand wrapping around my throat, and a very familiar and very furious visage materializing before me.

"I'll settle for the consolation prize," Crocodile snarled viciously as he constricted my windpipe.

" _Grrgkh—!"_

"LET GO OF MY COMMIE, YOU BASTARD!" Luffy howled, launching himself through Crocodile and forcing him to dissolve into sand and release me. Before any of us could react, Luffy tumbled onto the desert's sands, with Crocodile reforming less than a dozen feet before him.

I hacked and wheezed as I massaged my crushed throat. Holy _shit_ had that been close. I'd probably been within moments of becoming a _mummy!_ And I had no intention of sticking around to become one, either. "Mo— _gagh!—MOVE! NOW, GO!"_

"YOU DON'T HAVE TO TELL ME TWICE, AMIGO!" Scissors concurred, tearing through the sands as fast as his legs could carry him.

"LUFFY!" Vivi desperately screamed back after our captain.

"GO ON WITHOUT ME, GUYS!" Luffy shouted back at us. "I CAN TAKE HIM!"

"KICK HIS ASS, LUFFY!" I called back after him. I watched one of my best friends and one of our worst enemies disappear into the distance for a second… until Zoro spun me around and held me up by my collar, glaring at me viciously.

I met his glare head-on with one of my own. "If you're going to say anything, go ahead and say it, but before you do, know this: I did _nothing_ wrong and you _know it."_

Zoro ground his teeth furiously a moment longer before releasing me, allowing me to rub my throbbing body parts. "Is Luffy going to beat him?" he asked, still glaring at me.

I froze in my ministrations as I contemplated the question before slowly shaking my head. "Luffy… won't win…"

Zoro cursed furiously, Sanji bit through his cigarette, Usopp's jaw dropped in horror, Chopper looked to be on the verge of tears, Nami froze, Soundbite whimpered, and Vivi looked to be a moment away from breaking my nose again. All of them stared at me with varying levels of anger and horror.

"BUT!" I barked swiftly. "He will _not_ die today either! Believe me, I hate this just as much as you guys do, but Luffy _needs_ this fight to beat Crocodile! And even _if_ I told Luffy how to beat Crocodile, he'd _still_ need to fight him here to keep him from getting on our asses! Got it?"

Zoro stared at me silently for a moment before bowing his head. "You're certain?"

I nodded. "The rest of Baroque Works will say he died, and they'll have good reason to think it. But at the end of the day, Luffy's strong as hell and stubborn to boot. In a straight-up fight between him and the Reaper, who would _you_ bet on?"

Zoro was silent for a moment longer before nodding slowly in agreement.

"That's what I thought. Now, then!" I clapped my hands decisively. "We're charging headlong into the middle of a revolution and are about to go up against…" I made a quick mental count. "Five to eight of the most dangerous assassins on this side of the Red Line, depending on how you count them. As it is, my lips are feeling a little loose. Show of hands: who wants some spoilers?"

The rest of the crew exchanged looks. Usopp, Chopper, Eyelashes and Vivi were the first ones to raise their hands (or hooves). Nami followed shortly afterwards, and perhaps just to show solidarity with the ladies, Sanji's hand raised a moment later. Zoro looked at his comrades before exhaling, and raising his own hand.

I allowed a bloodthirsty grin to split my lips.

"That's what I thought."


	21. Chapter 21

### Chapter 21: Chapter 20: Direct To Alubarna! Steaming Across The Sandora!

### Chapter Text

**Hornet AN: Oh, Cross...**

Even after I laid out the remaining Officer Agents' abilities, as well as a few suggestions for how their fights could go a bit smoother (here's hoping that Nami's self-esteem would benefit from a much-improved fight with Doublefinger), the mood on Scissors' back was still seriously tense.

Everyone was dealing with their nervousness in their own ways. Sanji was all but literally burning his way through a pack of cigarettes; Zoro was hefting a rather bored Eyelashes as a makeshift dumbbell; Usopp was making up taller tale after taller tale with less and less plausibility, which Chopper was only halfheartedly listening to; Nami was absentmindedly twirling the three parts of her Clima-Tact through her fingers in an astonishing display of dexterity; Vivi was brooding, disturbingly enough; and Soundbite…

I'll be honest, what Soundbite was doing was the strangest out of everyone here: he'd had me take him off my shoulder and put him down on Scissors' back, where he was frowning and grinding his teeth as he… hummed. He didn't sing, didn't cackle, didn't make any other noise just hummed. Well, technically he didn't _just_ hum. He demonstrated a wider variety of humming than I'd thought physically existed. Low pitch, high pitch, wavering pitch, hell, even a bass pitch low enough that it shook the air around Soundbite and _me,_ even though I was less than half a foot away from him! When I asked the snail what he was doing, he'd just dismissed me, saying that he was trying to 'work something out.'

I watched everyone wallow in doom and gloom for a moment longer before deciding to draw their attention by clearing my throat. "Alright, guys—!"

"HEY, AMIGOS!" Scissors suddenly barked up over the wind of his speed. "SANDORA COMING UP IN A FEW MINUTES! TERMINUS, EVERYONE OFF!"

I snapped my mouth shut with a huff. Alright, save the pontificating for later. Right now, concentrate on cutting down our swim-time to an absolute minimum.

"HUH!?" Usopp barked incredulously. "What do you mean, get off!? You're a crab!"

"That's normal crabs, amigo! I'm a mover crab, biiig difference!" Scissors shot back. "Give me waves of sand over waves of water any day!"

"And besides," I sighed, giving Usopp a flat look. "Crabs move by scuttling along through the sand beneath the water. So, unless you've recently acquired gills…"

" **GLUG GLUG GLUG!"** Soundbite chortled, prompting me to scoop him back onto my shoulder.

"But this is still a problem!" Vivi fretted. "Even _if_ we managed to cross the river in time, which I doubt since it's about as wide as a small sea and we have one and a half Devil Fruit users on board—"

" _ **HEY!"**_

"—we'd still need to make our way through the desert to reach Alubarna, and that would take the rest of the day, at _minimum_ , and at worst it would take—!"

"Vivi, you're babbling," Zoro grunted.

"OF COURSE I'M BABBLING, THE FATE OF MY PEOPLE AND MY KINGDOM ARE AT STAKE!" Vivi screeched, her blood pressure reaching an all-time high if the way the veins on her forehead were throbbing was anything to go by.

I allowed myself to grin cheekily in the face of her fury. "Funny you should word it like that…"

Everyone stared at me in confusion for a moment until the penny dropped for both Zoro and Nami. Zoro threw his head back and laughed uproariously, drawing incredulous looks from everyone else, while Nami's face swiftly matched Vivi's own infuriated hue.

"You have _got_ to be kidding me…" the navigator hissed viciously. " _That's_ what you were talking about!? Seriously!?"

I shrugged with a snicker. "What can I say, Nami? Desperate times call for desperate measures! I paid my dues, now it's your turn to pony up!"

"WOO! _Shake it,_ **mama!"** Soundbite cackled eagerly.

Vivi's gaze was rapidly shifting between us, her hysterical rage bleeding away into confusion. "Uh…wait, what? What's going on, what are you talking about?"

"Weeeell," I drawled slowly. "See, here's the thing: Scissors _can_ make some damn good headway into the Sandora River..."

"He can!?" most of the crew asked in surprise.

"Come again, hombre!?" Scissors concurred.

"Oh yeah, it's totally possible!" I nodded. "He just needs the right…" I grinned eagerly. " _Motivation."_

Vivi was still stumped, so Nami growled and jabbed her thumb at Sanji as an answer. "Remember our little… 'wardrobe malfunctions'?"

The princess took one look at the cook before turning an interesting combination of colors. "I—n-n-no, you can't possibly mean—!"

Soundbite started whistling out a very… _specific_ type of groove that would have been popular in the 70s, in-between the gales of raucous laughter.

Vivi settled for a clean flush that was either pure rage or pure embarrassment. "You _can't_ be serious."

"Come on, Princess!" I cooed through my smirk. "You've already done so much for your nation, what's a bit of skin—and maybe a slight shake of the hips—at the clutch?"

Nami ground her teeth as she stood up, jabbing her finger at me. "We will have _words_ about this Cross, count on it!"

My smirk promptly lost a lot of its vigor in face of Nami's and Vivi's unholy (read: feminine) wrath. "C-come on, now, you can't be that pissed! You were barely even ticked at Sanji and Scissors in the story, why do I get the third degree!?"

"Those two," she jabbed her thumb and finger at the cook and crab in question, "are innocent enough perverts. It's in their nature, and more often than not? Not enough harm for a foul. _You,_ on the other hand, are _not_ a pervert. You're just doing this for laughs!"

I swallowed nervously as I swapped my gaze between the two women looming over me, hastily plastering a shaky smile on my face. "Ah… in my defense… you think all men are perverts?"

"All men _are_ perverts, they just show it to different degrees," Nami stated flatly.

I could _feel_ the sweatdrop hanging off the back of my head. "Fair enough. In that case… I plead the fifth?"

"Even if I knew what that was, I'd _still_ veto it," Vivi growled.

I settled for just whimpering miserably.

Vivi and Nami kept up their glares for a moment longer before sighing simultaneously in defeat.

"Still, as demeaning as it might be, I can't deny that it's a workable plan…" Nami groaned to herself.

"So, should we just take them off now, or…?" Vivi trailed off uncomfortably as she hesitantly fingered her robes.

"Ah, no no no!" I hastily rallied. "Hold off on that until we're barely at the water, we want to get as much of a boost as we can get."

"The heck are you going on about, amigo?" Scissors spoke up.

"Just wait until we're at the water, then look back here. Trust me, you'll like this!" I called back.

Sanji, Usopp, and Eyelashes had by now put the pieces together, and were staring expectantly at the girls, not bothering to hide their attentiveness. Chopper was still clueless, and Zoro was still snickering, though he wisely averted his eyes from them. I elected to do the same, not wanting the two of them angrier at me than they were already, and looked in the distance as the river approached. I struggled between holding my tongue until the time was right and speaking up before it was too late. Fortunately, Soundbite spoke just as we were a few feet from the shoreline.

"NOW! _Ladies, please,_ " he said, grinning.

There was a momentary sigh of exasperation and the sound of rustling cloth. Then…

"Oh, Scissors~" the girls crooned in tones of voices I had _never_ heard before…or at least, not from Vivi.

"Huh? What is it, chicas?" Scissors asked as he rotated his eyestalks to look at us. He blinked in surprise for a moment as he took in the sight. Then...

" _ARRIBA!"_ Scissors whooped euphorically, putting on a ludicrous burst of speed and _ripping_ across the surface of the Sandora River.

" _YEEHAW!"_ Soundbite whooped ecstatically between gritted teeth as he clung for dear life to my shoulder. " **THAT'S WHAT** _ **I'M TALKIN' 'BOUT!"**_

I couldn't fault Soundbite for his precarious position, seeing how I myself was hanging on to Scissors'…fur? With just as much tenacity. "PFFHAHAHAHA! NOW WE'RE REALLY MOVING!" I laughed eagerly.

"GO, SCISSORS!" Chopper and Soundbite cried eagerly.

"I CAN'T _BELIEVE_ THAT THIS IS ACTUALLY WORKING!" Vivi shouted over the wind.

"NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER OF THE FEMALE FORM, VIVI!" Nami shouted back. "IT'S LIFE'S GREAT SKELETON KEY! NOW, IF ONLY I COULD MAKE THIS CRAB PAY ME, THEN I'D _REALLY_ BE HAPPY!"

Of course, all good things must come to an end, and this one slowly started grinding to a halt as Scissors started sinking into the Sandora.

"We're losing speed!" Sanji cursed.

"S-sorry, hombres!" Scissors wheezed desperately, obviously fighting to catch his breath. "I might love the chicas, but even I've got my limits!"

My eye twitched slightly as I came up with an idea. It was legitimately suicidal, but damn it, I was already in the hole and I wasn't going for a swim without a fight. "We still have one option…" I bit out furiously before springing to my feet and jabbing my finger in the air. "ACTIVATE RETRO BOOSTERS! HOT GIRL-ON-GIRL ACTION, ENGAGE!"

CRUNCH!

"WE'D RATHER DROWN!" the girls screamed as they retracted their legs from where they'd planted them.

" _My progeny…"_ I whimpered pitifully as I fell forwards onto my face, cradling my bruised… nether regions.

"Did you honestly think that would work?" Usopp said, eyeing me uncomfortably.

"I had… to try…" I wheezed as I feebly raised my fist into the air in a show of defiance. A show that was promptly crushed under Nami and Vivi's heels.

"GO DIE!" they bit out.

" _ **BAHAHA!"**_

"G-going down, hombres!"

" _HEEHEEHEE_ HOOHOO— _GLUG, GAGH!"_

Thankfully, the shock of the… surprisingly lukewarm water was enough to rip me out of my agony and back into reality, prompting me to doggy paddle for dear life as Scissors sank and promptly started crabby-paddling his way back to the shore.

"Well, that didn't work…" Sanji huffed as he spat out a soggy cigarette.

Soundbite mumbled out something unintelligible from my shoulder, both due to the fact that he was burying his teeth into my coat for dear life and that there was a not-inconsiderable amount of water lapping against him.

"Yeah, alright, so we didn't manage to make it the entire way…" I grumbled in frustration. "But hey, look on the bright side: with my timing, we managed to get the most out of that boost! That's worth something, right?"

Going by the glare she was sending my way, I was reasonably certain that Nami would have punched me again if she wasn't using all of her arm strength to swim.

"So, Cross," Zoro spoke up. "I'm assuming that something _else_ is going to come to help us across the river?"

"In a manner of speaking…" I eyed the water around us uneasily. Where the hell was it?

"What do you mean by—!?"

SPLASH! "GROOOARGH!"

"A SANDORA CATFISH!" Vivi shrieked fearfully. "THEY'RE MAN-EATERS!"

"You were saying?" I deadpanned.

"Withdrawn," Zoro growled as he plunged his hand beneath the water, presumably to grab the hilt of one of his swords.

"Oh, don't bother! They're already handling it," I waved him off dismissively.

"Who's they!?" Usopp demanded, trying to backpedal from the catfish's gaping jaws while struggling to keep Chopper balanced atop his head.

However, before the Catfish could successfully swallow him, it jerked back and started thrashing in agony.

"Them," I grinned as the Catfish finally keeled over and was swarmed by a crowd of very familiar figures. "He- _llo,_ Kung Fu Dugongs!"

The martial-artist marine mammals whooped and waved at us eagerly as they celebrated their victory on the fish's carcass. Hastily clambering on allowed Soundbite to regain his ability to translate their barks to words for us. "We couldn't allow our master's disciples and crewmates to just be swallowed whole-fu! We'll tow you the rest of the way-fu!"

"We're not Luffy's disciples," Nami deadpanned with a sweatdrop.

"Speak for yourself, I'm already neck-deep in the school of hard-knocks…" I growled acridly as I cast a glare at Zoro, who merely chose to respond with a vicious glare.

"Either way, we're very grateful for your help," Vivi bowed thankfully. "I realize our means of communication are somewhat limited, but I promise I'll try and repay you however I can once all this is over!"

The Dugongs' speaker returned her bow, though he glanced at another Dugong hesitantly before responding. "We appreciate the offer, but that won't be necessary-fu. We have… other plans for the future-fu."

Vivi blinked in surprise at the response, but we reached the shore before she could question him further.

"Well, we should be going!" I grinned as I grabbed Vivi's shirt and dragged her off the Catfish carcass. "Best of luck to you!"

The Dugongs waved us off as we made our way into the sands. Once we were a ways away, Sanji turned his attention to the desert. "Alright, we've done pretty good so far… so what's next? I doubt that Eyelashes could make it to Alubarna in time—"

"Well, maybe if I had some form of, shall we say, 'motivation?'" the camel proposed, batting his eyelids.

"Carrying _all_ of us?" I cut in hastily before Vivi could draw the Peacock Slasher she was starting to finger. "No, our ride to the capital should be here any second now. Soundbite?"

"SOUND THE TRUMPETS, _CAUSE HERE COME_ _ **THE CAVALRY!"**_ Soundbite announced, blaring up a bugle call as a dust-cloud showed up on the horizon, swiftly approaching us.

"Please don't tell me that's the enemy!" Usopp blurted nervously as he whipped his goggles down and started trying to puzzle out who was approaching us.

"No, wait, that's—that's Carue!" Vivi cried eagerly. As if on cue, the duck and his companions slid to a stop several feet from us. "And he's brought the Supersonic Duck Squadron with him!"

"Wepowting for duty, Pwincess!" Carue squawked as he and the rest of the ducks snapped their wings into a salute and stood at attention. Their postures then immediately faltered as they joined Carue in glaring daggers at Soundbite. "This _wasn't_ somethin' Aye missed."

"Wow, you wewen't kidding, this _is_ annoying," the duck wearing the Roman helmet and chomping down on a cigar grumbled.

"Uh… ah dunno…" said a duck in the back with a timid expression and a reversed baseball cap who was scratching the back of his head. "Ah'm just happy we can tawk at all, so—!"

"Shaddup, Stomp," the rest of the Squadron squawked in a nigh-rehearsed, tired tone of voice.

"Sowwy…" the duck apologized, slumping his head with a sigh.

"Alright, enough!" I cut in, especially after I noticed Soundbite starting to open his own mouth. "Now, Carue, _thank you_ for coming. I think I already know the answer to this, but do you think you can get us back to Alubarna in time?"

"HA!" one of the stockier ducks barked, exposing a full set of teeth. "We ain't cawed 'Supahsonic' for nuthin', bud! It'll be close, but we'll getcha there, naw sweat!"

"Alright, alright…" I nodded slowly as I processed that statement. I mulled over the canon sequence of events and puzzled out how I could figure into things. I then proceeded to grin eagerly as I came upon an idea. "Well! If you're all ready to saddle up and head out, I _think_ that I might just have a plan so that we can stop—or at least _stall—_ this rebellion in its tracks before it can throttle up into full swing!" I swung my eager gaze over our group. "Who's with me?!"

The grins I got back were answer enough.

I nodded eagerly as I shoved my Marine cap inside out in order to hide the logo before placing it on my head. "Then let's get on with it!"

**-o-**

I peeked around the side of the bluff we were all hiding behind, just a meager mile from the statuesque form of Alubarna. I had to give Vivi's ancestors credit where credit was due: their choice in allies might have been questionable at best, but damn if they couldn't choose a damn good location for their nation's capital. With only five possible ways in and nothing but flat desert for miles around in most directions, the only means possible to assault the city would be via Kohza's course of action: an out-and-out charge and invasion.

Still, if we ourselves wanted any chance of getting in and stopping the two legitimate armies from clashing, first we needed to make our way past the five-man army that was guarding all the western entrances.

"Alright…" I muttered to myself as I slowly raised my hand. "Here we go… ready… set…" I chopped my hand down. " _GO!"_

And with that, six of the seven Supersonic Ducks shot out around the bluff and bolted towards the cliffs of Alubarna. The ducks managed to cross a few hundred feet of sand before the sound of cannonfire started to ring out and they were forced to dodge and weave around the patches of sand exploding around them.

A bit after that, the ducks started to split up. First, Sanji and Chopper split off and bolted towards the south, drawing the Mr. 4 team along behind them. Second, Usopp fired an explosive shot off at Mr. 1, distracting him long enough for Zoro and Nami to pelt up the steps of the West Gate, while Usopp's own duck ran down Mr. 2 and led Eyelashes through the South-West Gate.

I kept watch a moment longer before walking away from the rock face and hauling myself onto Carue's back, seating myself behind Vivi. "Coast's clear. Ready to give the speech of your life while trying to duck assassination attempts from plants in both your side and theirs?"

Vivi cast an uneasy look over her shoulder at me. "Are we doomed if I say no?"

"More like sane, in my books…" I muttered before clapping her on the shoulder. "Well, this rebellion won't end itself. Or rather, it will, but not in a way we like. Step on it, Carue!"

"Wight!" the duck squawked in agreement, kicking up a storm as he broke for the stretch of sand between Alubarna and the rebels.

Within minutes, we were firmly situated between the southernmost gate of Alubarna and the army of righteous fury and justice that was basically the horizon and barrelling down on us.

" _Their arrows will blot out the sun…"_ Soundbite muttered nervously.

I blew out a nervous breath as I clenched and unclenched my fist. "Then we will fight in the shade…" I muttered back.

Vivi started to slide off of Carue, but I quickly put an end to that by grabbing her cloak. "Hey hey hey, where the heck do you think you're going!?"

The princess shot a bewildered look at me. "Getting off so that you two and Carue can get away in case anything goes wrong!"

"And leave you to get turned into royal paste if these guys don't stop? Yeah, pull the other one!" I scoffed.

"They'll stop once I speak with them! And besides, Soundbite will give me at least a mile of leeway once they're in range!" Vivi shot back.

" _You don't_ **trust me?"** Soundbite whimpered, accompanied by a dose of puppydog eyes.

"Not on your life, but that's beside the point," I deadpanned. "Here's what I'm concerned about: when was the last time either of you saw _any_ of our plans work perfectly without something going wrong in some way, shape, or form?"

" _Ah…"_ Soundbite trailed off uncomfortably, he and Vivi trading unsure glances.

Vivi chewed her lip nervously. "Still…"

"Damn it, woman, I am trying to keep _some_ form of redundancy in play here! Will you _please_ lay off the martyr complex for _ten freaking seconds!?"_ I finally burst out.

"A-A-Aye agwee with Cwoss!" Carue stammered out, visibly gritting his beak as he tried to steel his nerves. "Y-you'we my fwiend, Vivi, and I won't leave you no mattah what!"

"Oh yeah, good point!" I snapped my fingers in realization. "Carue and the rest of the Squad are an official part of the Alabastan military. You want to look official and really draw their attention, you'll stay on Carue so that we can get the hell out of dodge in case anything goes wrong. Got it?"

Vivi held up her glare for a moment longer before sighing and pinching the bridge of her nose. "Yes, Igaram…" she ground out in exasperation before glancing at Soundbite. "Is Kohza in range yet?"

" _EHHH…"_ Soundbite angled his head uncertainly. " **They're on the** _ **edge of my hearing,**_ _should be in range_ **OF MY VOICE** ANY SECOND!"

"Remember, Kohza's the one in the lead on the horse. Keep it to him and him only, if the plants pick up that things are going wrong too soon, they'll try and send things straight to hell," I told him, twisting myself around in Carue's saddle as I tried to examine the cannons lining the city's border. Hopefully, I'd be able to notice if any of them started to get trigger happy before we got turned into a fine red mist.

" _YEAH, YEAH,_ I GOT IT…" Soundbite mumbled, more to himself than us. " _Almost… almost… al—_ **huh?"** Soundbite cut himself off, glancing around in confusion, before suddenly snapping back into his shell and loosing a myriad of alarm bells and sirens.

"Wha—Soundbite!?" Vivi looked back at us in confusion. "What are you doing, what's wrong with him!?"

"I-I don't know!" I shook my head hastily as I tried to quiet the Baby Transponder Snail. "Soundbite, what's wrong!?"

" **DEATH FROM ABOVE!"** Soundbite screamed at the top of his lungs. " _ **DEATH FROM ABO—!"**_

SLASH!

" _ **AAAAAGH!"**_

"GAGH!" I choked as my shoulder exploded into pain, gripping it desperately as I felt blood flowing freely from my torn flesh. Carue barely managed to keep me from falling off of his back as I writhed from the sudden injury. "SON OF A _BITCH!"_

"CROSS!" Vivi exclaimed as she hastily tried to steady our ride. "Cross, are you al—!?"

" _ARE YOU SERIOUSLY ASKING ME THAT!?"_

"T-then what just happened!?" Vivi gave my shredded shoulder one look before her eyes snapped open in realization. "AND WHERE THE HELL IS SOUNDBITE!?"

"WHAT!?" I snapped my eyes to my shoulder. As she said, Soundbite was completely gone, and all that was left in his place was a parallel set of jagged… slash… marks oh son of a bitch.

I twisted around as much as I could and managed to confirm my theory as I caught sight of an all-too-familiar pair of figures barreling towards Alubarna. "YOU FUCKING FURRY JACKASSES!" I screamed furiously.

"The Unluckies!?" Vivi gasped in horror. "But I thought you said you saw them get eaten by dinosaurs!"

"I saw them getting _chased_ by dinosaurs, I thought that would be more than enough to keep those bastards occupied!" I sputtered indignantly, fighting to concentrate more on my rage than my agony. "Clearly, I was wrong!"

"No shit, Sherwock!" Carue sputtered, eyeing the approaching army nervously. "What da hell do we do now!?"

"Uh… I-I can still try talking with Kohza…?" Vivi tried.

I made to respond as I tried to keep track of the Unluckies… before promptly hissing in panic as I saw one of the cannons starting to move. "Oh, we are _way_ beyond the point of talking now."

"Huh? What are you—!?"

BOOM!

"INCOMING AT TWELVE-O-FUCKING-CLOCK, MOVE!" I bellowed, ramming my heels into Carue's side.

"ON I—ACK!" the Supersonic Duck started to say before resorting to quacking as Soundbite was brought out of range, pelting forwards from a dead halt. Just in the nick of time, too, because a _second_ later, the sand where we'd been erupted.

"T-the Royal Army!?" Vivi demanded incredulously.

"Try Crocodile's anonymous donations to their ranks!" I spat, wincing as my wound shook viciously. "Damn it, this just blew up in our faces. Carue, one-eighty, now! We're making a break for Alubarna!"

"What!? NO! Cross—!" Vivi started.

"Damn it, Vivi, listen to them!" I jabbed a finger at the too-fast approaching army that was now roaring furiously. "That blast just set them over the edge, they won't hear _anything_ you say to them! We tried diplomacy, and I'm _sorry_ it didn't work, but it's _over!_ The best we can do is fall back and try and salvage as much as we can!"

"But, I…" Vivi cast a desperate gaze at the army. "They… my citizens… my _friends…"_

"And you're their ruler and the only person who can stop this before they all kill themselves!" I shot back, gesturing frantically at the still oncoming horde—and the distressingly visible weapons they were brandishing. "For God's sake, please listen to me and learn this _one_ lesson: knowing when to cut your losses and _run!"_

Vivi stared miserably at the rebels for a moment longer. Finally, she bit her lip and tugged on Carue's reigns. "Full speed back to Alubarna, Carue, now!"

"QUA-ACK!" Carue squawked in agreement, twisting around and tearing towards the South Gate.

The run wasn't safe, by any measure of the word. The Baroque Works agents had decided to abandon any and all semblance of subtlety in favor of simply firing as fast as they could in our general direction, blowing dune after dune into nothing as they tried to wipe us out. Luckily enough, I could spy uniformed men who I presumed were legitimate soldiers fighting to subdue the plants and regain control of their artillery.

_Un-_ luckily, there was someone else coming at us now, and his face was both inviting _and_ distressing.

"Hey, guys!" Usopp called out, waving his hand as he galloped towards us on a horse. "I managed to lose Mr. 2! Now, let's go get Crocodile and save this kingdom!"

I tilted my head slightly in an effort to get a better view of the ludicrous sight before me. "Is he serious?" I asked, more to myself then Vivi.

"Wow, I can't believe Usopp actually managed to beat him!" Vivi exclaimed, grinning euphorically.

I shot an incredulous look at the princess before shooting a flat look over her shoulder at the approaching 'sniper'. "Right, I'm bringing this crazy train to a halt…" I muttered before raising my voice to a shout. "HEY, 'USOPP', EMPORIO IVANKOV IS AN OVERRATED HACK!"

" _THAT'S A BARE-FACED LIE!"_ 'Usopp' shrieked in a voice that wasn't his own before pausing with a stricken look. "Ah—I—Th-That is to say— _oh, forget it!"_ Bon Clay snarled, slapping his left hand to his face and reverting to his original form as he struck a ready faux-kung-fu pose on his mount's back. "PREPARE TO MEET YOUR MAKER YOU BLASPHEMOUS—!"

" _QUA-A-A-ACK!"_ Carue more roared than squawked, pumping his legs in order to leap clean over the horse's head and slam his talons into Mr. 2's center mass, taking the okama off his steed as a result and stomping him into the sand. He finished by giving a final leap off of Bon Clay's body before resuming his charge for Alubarna.

Vivi and I were… _awed,_ to say the least.

"C-Carue…" Vivi stammered incredulously. "That—That was _amazing!"_

"Hell, yeah!" I concurred. "A full degree more badass than what you did in the story at this point, and that was full-on military commando badass already!" My face fell as the details on _who_ , exactly, we were dealing with penetrated through the euphoria. "Too bad it won't keep him down for long. We need to double-time it into the city!"

"Cross, Carue just hit Mr. 2 while going several miles an hour! He couldn't possibly—!"

" _ENOUGH JOKING AROUND!"_ a way too feminine voice roared from behind us. " _THAT IS THE SECOND TIME TODAY THAT I HAVE BEEN RUN DOWN BY AN OVERGROWN WATERFOWL IN A DESERT! PREPARE TO BECOME FOIE GRAS, YOU INELEGANT_ BIRD!"

"You were saying?" I snarked.

" _Go-go-go-go!"_ Vivi urged Carue desperately, ramming her heels into his side.

"WAAACK!" Carue screamed, flailing his wings desperately as he tried to stay ahead of Mr. 2.

Within moments, Carue managed to reach the stairs and dash up them at top speed, the traction the stonework granted him allowing him to practically double his speed.

And a good thing, too, because when I risked a glance behind us I could see Mr. 2 keeping pace, twirling after us at nigh transonic speeds and belting out a _way_ mispronounced rendition of 'un, deux, trois.' I don't know what was more painful, his physique or his French.

Once we reached the top, the soldiers hastily cleared out just enough of their blockade for us to get through. Unfortunately, one of the soldiers was just a _bit_ too slow in moving, or perhaps a bit too fast, as without warning a musket fell down in Carue's path. The duck _tried_ to dodge the obstacle, but in the end there was nothing he could do. The rod of wood and metal got tangled up in his legs and down he went, inadvertently bucking us off and sending Vivi and I tumbling to the ground.

"Ooooww…" I moaned, pushing myself off the ground and rubbing my shoulder. "Son of a… damn that wasn't fu— _GAH! SON OF A BITCH!"_ I yelped miserably as my shoulder flared up. "DAMN IT, SAND! SAND IN MY OPEN _WOUND!_ DAMN COBRA-SNIFFING TAR-SUCKING FIRE-LICKING— _GAGH!"_ My agonized tirade was cut off by a firm foot stomping down on my head and forcing my face into the dirt.

"My, my, what a _mouth_ you have on you, dear," Mr. 2 drawled, sickly sweet. "Didn't your mother teach you any better?"

"Momma taught me how to smack a _bitch…"_ I ground out viciously.

"Flattery will get you nowhere, boy," the okama sniffed before raising his leg up high. "Now, then, say good night, you damn—!"

" _HOWLING FANG!"_

"GACK!" Mr. 2 shrieked in pain as a blur of black fur rammed into him from out of nowhere and knocked him off me.

The blur promptly reshaped itself into a halfway-transformed Chaka, who spent a moment glaring viciously at Mr. 2 before glancing down at me. "Seeing how you were riding Carue as well, I'm guessing that you're one of the pirates Vivi mentioned in her letter?"

"Yes, I am, and I'm _not_ just saying that because saying no means you'll rip my throat out," I deadpanned.

"Good. You have my thanks for protecting the Princess, and—"

"HEY! IF YOU THINK THAT I'M DONE YET, THEN YOU ARE _SORELY_ MISTAKEN, BUSTER!"

I tensed in panic as once _again_ Mr. 2's voice rang out, this time coming from where he was balancing on the very edge of the South Gate's stairs.

"A fine, upstanding okama such as I will _not_ be taken down by a worthless mutt such as you!" he sniffed before grinning sadistically. "Now, come! Prepare to face the fury of my 'Oh Come My Way' Ken—!"

_THWACK!_

"GACK, GRK!" Mr. 2 doubled over and clutched his throat in pain, nothing but a series of wet gurgles coming out of his mouth.

"For the record, that was for the pain you no doubt put Usopp through when you stole his face," Vivi stated as she shook her hand out. " _This_ is for trying to topple _my_ kingdom." And with that, she reeled back and slugged him clean in the middle of his ugly mug.

"ACK!" Mr. 2 yelped as he clutched his (hopefully) fractured nose.

"And _this_ is for your horrible outfit, on behalf of women everywhere."

_SLAM!_

"Ooooh…" Chaka, Carue and I winced in sympathy.

Mr. 2 whimpered pathetically as he locked his knees together before tilting backward and plummeting down the steps. There was a sound not unlike that of a rubber ball hitting the ground, followed by a shouted "Ow!".

Frowning, I inched my way up to the top of the stairs, and watched Mr. 2 bounce repeatedly down them, each impact with the stone steps eliciting another yelped exclamation from the okama. This repeated several times before he belly-flopped onto the sand.

"Huh, the cartoons actually got that right," I mused. Looking up from Mr. 2's prone form, I took a step back in nervous fear as I saw that the rebel army was getting awfully close. "Okay, time to go, I think. When he gets up, he is going to be _pissed."_

"Excuse me!?" Chaka started in shock.

"Cross, you can _not_ be serious!" Vivi demanded. "I mean, if he were a Zoan, I'd understand, but—!"

"In the original story, he took kicks to the face from Sanji—repeatedly, I might add!—and kept fighting," I stated flatly. "Hell, he got Sanji on the damn ropes, even _before_ he started using Nami's body!"

Vivi's face turned an ashen gray as she glanced down the stairs before looking back at me with an expression of severe panic. "We run?"

"We run," I agreed, furtively glancing around. "The only question is, where to? The bomb's already taken care of, so—!" I choked as I noticed Chaka tensing up before flinging an incredulous look at Vivi. " _You didn't tell them about the damn bomb!?"_

"What!? No, I did, of course I did!" Vivi protested before shooting an incredulous look at her family's protector. " _Chaka!?"_

"W-we _tried_ to storm the clock tower as you ordered, but somehow the pair you warned us about already knew we were coming!" Chaka hastily explained. "By the time we arrived, they'd somehow managed to amass a small army and entrench themselves! We've spent the past forty-eight hours trying to dig them out, but to no avail."

Vivi and I stared at him in shock. "So… what you're telling me is that the bomb with the multi-kiloton payload _is_ _still in play!?_ "

"Not by choice!" the canine Zoan shot back. "We've tried getting in every which way we can imagine, but their position is too well-fortified! And to make matters worse—!"

"Whenever someone shows their head in view of the tower, they get gunned down from out of _nowhere_ ," Vivi finished as she pinched the bridge of her nose. "The Mr. 7 team, _damn it…"_

"Qua-lways thought they wooked stu—huh!?" Carue cut himself off mid-sentence as he realized that he was talking, drawing all of our attention as well.

"What the—?" Chaka started, but I interrupted him.

"SOUNDBITE! Can you hear me!?" I yelled out at the top of my lungs.

" _YES!"_ a medley of voices warbled out from nowhere. " _ **The furry**_ FUCKERS _**STUFFED ME**_ _in my_ **shell** AND ARE _wheeling around_ **above the buildings!** I'D GET _out on_ **my own, BUT** _I'm in_ THE FEATHER- _RAT'S_ **claws! IF I DROP THEM—!"**

"You get dropped and go splat, right…" I groaned acridly as I massaged my temple. Damn it damn it _damn it,_ this was going straight to hell. I wracked my mind furiously as I tried to come up with a plan. Finally, I was able to put together what I _seriously_ hoped was a semi-passable plan. "Alright… alright, you hang tight—no pun intended—and make sure that they don't realize that you're not silenced while you're in your shell. I'll try and come and get you. Just… just be patient, alright?"

There was a moment of silence before Soundbite's voice drawled out. " _I'm a_ SNAIL. **My max** _speed_ IS **AN inch an** HOUR. _**PATIENCE IS PRACTICALLY MY SPECIES' FUCKING VIR—!"**_ The tirade suddenly cut off without warning. I looked back at an exasperated Vivi and Carue and the sweatdropping jackal-man.

"The pests must have flown out of range," I explained with a sigh. "Hopefully Soundbite will be able to lead me to them when they circle back around, but for now, let's plan out our next moves.

"First, what are you thinking right now, Vivi?" I asked, noticing the thoughtful look she'd adopted.

"I was thinking that something really shocking to both sides might stall the two armies enough for me to be able to defuse this whole mess without Soundbite's help," Vivi explained. "If nothing else, I'd be able to get them farther away from the bomb. The bomb is actually what made me think of—"

"Don't bother, he's already waiting for you," I said, waving my hand dismissively. "For all I know, blowing up the palace might work, but the second you set the charges, the sand bastard will blow in. And until Pell gets here, we don't have any way of beating him."

"Wait, Pell?" Chaka interjected. "Pell's just a Zoan like me, albeit an admirably skilled one! How can he possibly beat a Logia like Crocodile?"

"He can't," I replied, shaking my head solemnly before sticking up a finger. "But the passenger he's bringing along sure as hell can. It'll take some work, but…" I grinned viciously. "Trust me, Luffy _will_ beat Crocodile. It'll take a lot of work, but Alabasta will _not_ fall today."

A glimmer appeared in Vivi's eyes for a moment, but in the next, the cold steel of command that was starting to become familiar replaced it. "Alright, then, in that case, I have a different idea." She shot a questioning look at Chaka. "The Baroque Works agents in the clocktower, did they leave one flank deliberately unprotected, but cover it in boobytraps?"

Chaka recoiled in shock. "How did you—!? Uh, yes, but how does that matter?"

Vivi grinned confidently as her suspicions were confirmed. "It means that Baroque Works either hasn't had the time or the inclination to change its playbook since I left its ranks. And _that_ means that I know _exactly_ how to get you and your men past the Mr. 7 team and into the tower to stop the bomb." Her grin faltered a bit as she looked at me. "Any reason why that wouldn't work?"

Chaka obviously didn't think so. "Wha— _Princess Vivi!_ Such a course of action would be beyond reckless! I cannot, in good conscience—!" The Zoan cut himself off as Vivi pinned him with a frigid glare, maintaining her gaze until he fully backed down. "A-As you say, Princess…" He mumbled something incoherent under his breath, though I'm _fairly_ certain the phrase 'third trimester all over again' was somewhere in there.

I took a moment to chuckle at the sight of the loyal hound being brought to heel before nodding in agreement. "Yeah, that should work. Once those two are out of the way, Pell should be clear to carry the bomb out of blast range. Straight up would be advisable, just in case any of the Rebels get the bright idea to gun down one of the Royal Guardians of Alabasta."

Vivi frowned in confusion. "Wait, carry it? The Mr. 7 team is shooting it from the clock tower, right? That's the only thing that makes sense to make them think they won't be caught in the blast, plus they're the best snipers in Baroque Works. If they don't shoot the bomb, then they'll—"

"Qua—to smithaweens?" Carue asked, before blinking in realization. "Huh, Soundbite must be close again. Anyway, as I wath thaying, do you _weally_ think Cwocodile cares even a _bit_ aboud his subowdinates?"

"Give the duck a prize," I nodded sagely. "Crocodile always has a backup plan, and this one takes the form of a timer hooked to the bomb. It's set to go off at, ah…" I racked my brain, trying to remember what Crocodile had said. "4:30! Yeah, 4:30. Anyway, even if you have any bomb technicians available, chances are that there _isn't_ any means of safely disarming the damn thing. It's going off no matter what, but at least Pell can carry it out far enough that Alubarna won't be within the blast radius. With any luck, he'll be able to time it so that he can dive fast enough to escape the blast."

The princess bit her lip uncomfortably. "But if he isn't…"

"Then he'll _still_ be fine," I patiently reassured her. "After all, Zoans are stupid tough. Besides, he did it before, and _that_ was after getting gunned down by Miss Father's Day. Trust me, Princess, if there's one thing you learn from watching the Straw Hat Pirates in action, it's that you would be shocked, _shocked_ at what a person can live through."

"Would you mind explaining how you know all of this?" Chaka asked, apparently after a struggle to find his voice. He then tensed and whipped his hand to his side. "Did you eat the Glare-Glare Fruit?" he demanded tersely.

I hastily raised my hands in surrender. "Don't worry… General?" I glanced at Vivi, who nodded in confirmation. "General. The Glare-Glare Fruit remains in the possession of the user you're no doubt thinking of, safe and sound and incapable of peering through time. I _am_ impressed by your logical extrapolation of Devil Fruit powers, though, it's rare to meet someone quite so perceptive!"

Chaka shot an uncertain glance at Vivi.

"He told me how he knows so much before we arrived in Alabasta, Chaka, and I saw him swimming earlier this morning," she confirmed. With that, Chaka relaxed and looked back at me.

"I'll worry about how you know all of this when the war is over, then. For now, anything else to tell me?"

I frowned in thought, glancing out at the approaching Rebel Army. Still a few minutes out, good. I'd need as much leeway as I could get to reach Soundbite.

"Let's see…" I tapped my chin contemplatively before snapping my fingers in realization. "At a guess, you've already arrested the jackasses who tried to use the cannons to blow us to kingdom come, right?"

Chaka scowled darkly, but nodded nonetheless. "Yes, we did. I don't know what the hell they were thinking, firing before the Rebel Army was in range, much less at someone riding a member of the Supersonic Duck Squadron, but—!"

"Mind if I see one of them real quick?" I interrupted. "There's something about them you need to see."

Chaka gave me another uncertain look, but a nod from Vivi had him barking— _ha!_ —orders to his soldiers. Within seconds, two white-robed guards hauled a struggling and restrained third before us.

The prisoner stiffened as he caught sight of us before plastering a wide and toothy grin on his face. "G-General, sir! C-come on, isn't this a bit much? I just had a bit of heat-stroke is all! Why else would I fire at someone riding one of the Supersonic—?"

In lieu of a verbal response, I strode up to the man, grabbed his sleeves and _yanked,_ tearing them clean off. There, clear as day and branded on the man's right bicep, was the grinning skull-and-cross-blades of Baroque Works.

Both the man and I were silent as we stared at the exposed tattoo before I deigned to address him. "I dread to ask, but what the _hell_ made you think it would be a good idea to tattoo yourself with _that_ logo of all things? Isn't Baroque Works supposed to be the cloakiest of 'cloak-and-dagger' organizations?"

The man hung his head with a defeated groan. "A combo of a lot of alcohol, a lot of boredom, and the fact that no one is supposed to know that Baroque Works exists in the first place." He looked up with a hopeful grin. "I don't suppose that if I were to say 'state's evidence'—?"

"Even if there was a way for us to determine whether or not you were lying through your teeth, that ship has _long_ since sailed, dumbass," I deadpanned.

The man's expression promptly twisted into an ugly scowl. "Well, in that case, fuck you, fuck this kingdom, and fuck that bitch whore of a trai—!"

THWACK!

I tsked as I tapped my baton in my palm, pinning a stinkeye on the thoroughly concussed grunt. "Forget Thugs-R-Us, Crocodile scooped this bastard out of a literal roach motel…" I turned back around to address my comrades. "Anyways, you get the gist: if you see anyone with that symbol on their person, don't wait, don't hesitate, just take them _down._ Doesn't matter if they're Royal Army or Rebel Army, they'll be in both and their sole goal is to aggravate the conflict. Every second one of them walks around free is another person dead. Got it?"

Chaka nodded, then stiffened as a thought struck him and looked at the two other guards. "Remove your sleeves."

The two guards duly did so, tearing their robes with no concern for neatness in the tears. Chaka, for his part, shrugged off the green cloak he was wearing, and then removed the sleeves of his tunic. All present relaxed as they saw no Baroque Works emblems.

"Alright," Chaka nodded firmly. "You two split up and start inspecting the men on the walls. Clear the cannons first, then—!"

SLASH!

"Grgk!" one of the two men gurgled miserably as he fell to his knees, slumping over into unconsciousness and bleeding from the neck.

Chaka, Carue and the remaining soldier and I stared at him in shock before turning our stunned gazes over to Vivi, who was rolling up her Peacock String Slasher. "Look at his neck," she growled acridly.

A slight shift of the man's hood revealed the presence of yet _another_ tattoo.

"Good catch…" I weakly stated.

"This is going to be a nightmare," Chaka scowled tiredly.

"More than it already is?" Vivi deadpanned as she glanced back at the ever-approaching army, not waiting for an answer before mounting Carue. "Come on, we need to inspect the troops and assemble a reliable strike force. Cross, good luck with Soundbite. I hope you get him back, he's our best shot at talking the rebels down… and a good friend besides."

I started to nod before _another_ thought came to me. "Oh, one last thing! You have an elite unit, right? The… um, the claw…?"

"The Kicking Claw Force?" Chaka swiftly answered. "Don't tell me that one of _them—!"_

"No no, not at all!" I hastily reassured him. "They're loyal to the crown, completely and utterly! Maybe even a bit too much, to be honest. Keep a close eye on them; if they get it into their heads that sacrificing their lives will help save this kingdom, they won't hesitate to do it."

Chaka considered the information for a moment before nodding. "Understood. Thank you very much, Cross, both for this information, and for protecting Vivi."

I grinned back at the man. "Not even half a problem. Now, let's get started on saving Alabasta from burning to the ground! Who's with me!?" I shot my fist into the air—!

Aaaaand promptly froze as my shoulder voiced its displeasure. With a vengeance.

"… Right after I get this open wound bound up. Medic?"

**-o-**

One quick patch-job later, we'd all split up, Vivi heading to the clock tower at the head of a Royal Army strike force while I found myself deeper within Alubarna, just barely poking my nose around the corner of one of the many sandstone walls that made up most of the city's architecture.

"Alright, Soundbite, you sure this'll work?" I hissed to the air.

" _IT'S YOUR_ **damn** PLAN!"

"And I don't suppose that there's any chance you could talk me out of it, is there?" I retorted half-nervously.

" _Just get ready!_ **THEY'RE COMING."**

"Right, right…" I nodded, my entire body slowly tensing in anticipation as I clenched and unclenched the grip I had on my baton. "OK, I'm ready. Say when, then amp."

" _ **Roger roger."**_

I swallowed heavily as the seconds crawled by, only half of the copious amount of sweat coating my skin the result of the sun's heat. It had taken some time to work out a viable strategy with which to confront the Unluckies, but in the end, we'd managed to come up with something.

We got the idea from _Avatar._ The basic gist of it was that when you were the king of the skies…

" **NOW!"**

I darted out from around the corner and ran at the edge of my footing as fast as I could, accumulating as much speed as I could get. As I ran, I sucked in a deep breath and shouted, my voice getting amplified by Soundbite so that it came from everywhere at once. " **HEY, YOU! FURRY JACKASSES!"**

The moment I hit the edge, I took a brief moment to confirm the Unluckies' position...

…why would you ever bother to look up?

Before launching myself off the three-story rooftop at them.

" **GIVE ME BACK MY SNAIL!"**


	22. Chapter 22

### Chapter 22: Chapter 21: Cross Versus The Unluckies! A Deadly Rivalry Begins!

### Chapter Text

For a few seconds, the world around me seemed to fade as my mind processed the fact that I was falling from a three-story height, and my adrenaline spiked. Quite honestly, had Soundbite been with me and were the situation any less dire, I'd no doubt be laughing my ass off.

Then I slammed into a half-furry, half-feathery mass, and the world kicked itself into high gear.

More specifically, it started up with a strangled squawk that Miss Friday loosed as I struck her, the vulture flapping her wings furiously as she tried to hold the three of us—four if you counted Soundbite—aloft. I barely had time to wrap my arms around Friday's throat before she started flailing and bucking in a dual attempt to throw me off and stay in the air.

Mister 13 was squirming and flailing beneath me, trying to wriggle his way out and do _something_ that would no doubt be unpleasant. Considering how I had absolutely no intention of being disemboweled by a killer otter, I hastily took action: I freed one of my hands and used it to grab 13's onesie, shifting my weight just enough to get him out from under me. I spared a moment to grin madly at his stricken expression before I let him go. "OTTER'S AWAY!" I bellowed.

In a rather fabulous stroke of luck, it was just as I let 13 go that Friday swung herself upwards, causing my legs to flail forwards. Still, not one to look fate's gift horse in the mouth, I swung one of my dangling legs with the momentum and managed to catch 13 with a rather _impressive_ punt, if I did say so myself.

" _FOOOOORE!"_ Soundbite whooped ecstatically from below me.

"Wrong sport, Sound—GAGH!" I clenched my teeth hastily as Friday tried slamming her back into a building and dragging me along the stonework, only just managing to save myself from biting my tongue off. "Soundbite! Personally, I'd say that this isn't a game, it's just plain-old _pest control!"_

" **Business or pleasure?** _ **BOTH!"**_ the snail shot back happily, apparently not even slightly fazed by how wild his ride was becoming.

"Yeah? Well, this pleasure cruise is coming to an end! First, I'll be taking my belongings back!" I swung myself just far enough to the side that I could scrabble with Miss Friday's talons, managing after a few attempts to get a good grip on Soundbite's shell, yank him out into my own hold, and move him to my uninjured shoulder, which he clamped onto with his teeth.

" _I'm nobody's property!"_ Soundbite shot back, albeit with a look of gratitude directed at me.

"And second, we're bringing this ride to a stop!" I reached around Friday's head and grabbed ahold of her goggles, yanking them out a few inches from her face. From the way she suddenly tensed and started frantically shaking her head, she knew what was coming next. "NOW!" And with that, I let the goggles go with loud SNAP!

Miss Friday loosed an agonized squawk as she lost the rhythm of her wingbeats and fell into a dive she was only barely managing to control and slow by wildly flailing her wings.

Thankfully, her actions, combined with me weighing her down and lowering her altitude the entire time I was accosting her, were enough to make the crash landing we performed within seconds merely painful, as opposed to outright deadly. Still, this distinction was only cold comfort on account of how, to reiterate, we fell from a few dozen feet up in the air while moving forward at a not inconsiderable velocity.

The second we hit the ground, I was flung clean off the assassin's back and sent rolling through the dusty street we'd landed in. Once I stopped moving and managed to get my head on straight, I lay very, _very_ still as I appreciated the simply _astounding_ amount of pain I was in, because just… _ow._ About the only body part not in excruciating pain was my shins. Everything else either felt like one big bruise, the armored parts of my body were ringing like bells, others felt like someone had rubbed them with sandpaper, or, in the case of my shoulder, like someone was stabbing it repeatedly with a hot knife. At least nothing felt broken.

Overall…

"Oh, my God, that was such a horrible plan…" I wheezed miserably, my everything aching like all hell.

" _Oh,_ **I DUNNO,"** Soundbite whistled as he properly slid into place on my shoulder. "I'D SAY _**it worked!"**_

"Ha ha ha, screw you…" I ground out from between clenched teeth before slowly glancing over at him. "You good?"

Soundbite fell silent for a moment before nodding in agreement. "YEAH, _**yeah,**_ _I'M GOOD._ **Thanks for the save."**

"Psh," I waved him off as casually as I could manage as I hauled myself up into a sitting position, rolling my joints as I tried to work out some of the pain. "I didn't do it for you, I did it because those bastards sliced up my shoulder like it was a freaking steak. Getting you back was just a side benefit _and_ an unfortunate consequence. Still…" I massaged my shoulder contemplatively. "At least it should leave behind a pretty damn impressive scar, no?"

Soundbite leaned forwards and took in the bandages that wrapped my left shoulder before grinning eagerly. " **Oooh,** _MOST DEFINITELY!"_ '

"Glad you agree. Now come on, we need to mo—!"

" _Suffer."_

The second the low, raspy, _demonic_ voice hit my ears, I scrambled to my feet and _ran,_ managing to toss myself into an alleyway _just_ as the part of the street I'd been lying in was torn up by a hail of bullets. And once I started running, I damn well didn't let myself _stop._

"That's the voice you chose for them!? Seriously!?" I spat frantically, rounding a corner just as a flap of wings and the screech of talons on stone heralded another burst of gunfire that barely missed me. "Why not make them sound like Looney Tunes or something!? That's more your style!"

"CAN'T! _TOO SCARED!"_ Soundbite yowled from within his shell.

I risked a glance over my shoulder, and I swear to God that vulture looked like a freaking avatar of death as she chased us, back in the air.

"Sensible," was all I managed to get out. Still, as long as I stayed in the alleyways and forced her to remain below the rooftops, we had a chance of—

Of course, it was at that moment that I ran out into a nice, _wiiiide_ open street, with no other open alleyways in sight. And as for the doors to the houses, well, there was a big difference between Alabasta and Rainbase: Rainbase's residents weren't expecting an army of rebels to attack and as such hadn't boarded up their homes before leaving, whereas Alubarna's citizens were and had.

I spun around on my heel—

_BOOM!_

And was met with the shockwave of Miss Friday collapsing the mouth of the alley I'd exited with what I presumed to be a round of explosive ammunition before soaring up into the air, effectively cutting off my only route of retreat.

I stared at the rubble for a second longer before turning my gaze upwards to stare at the vulture circling high above me. "Who or whatever it is that keeps screwing with my luck had damn well better make it up to me if I live through this…" I muttered to myself before giving one last pointed glare up at the clouds and swinging my gaze back and forth down the street. "I don't suppose you can see a way for us to swim the hell out of this barrel, can you?"

" _ **UMMM…"**_ Soundbite swung his eyestalks back and forth, even going so far as to outright cross them before focusing on something to our right. "OH! _How about_ _ **over there?"**_

I followed Soundbite's line of sight and grinned just as eagerly as him when I saw what he was eyeing: a bar at the end of the street, just a few meters away from us. The door was boarded up, yes indeed, but its primary, wall-encompassing window? _That_ was left completely unguarded.

"Oh, yeah, that'll work!" I nodded in agreement.

Soundbite made to respond in turn… and then his grin melted into panic as he chanced a glance upwards. " _ **OH NO!"**_

I followed Soundbite's line of sight and mentally repeated the sentiment, with _mucho_ gusto.

Friday was finished circling. Instead, she'd swooped down to the end of the street to the left of me, and was gliding towards us at high speeds. Death, borne upon black wings and toting two F-U calibre machine guns, was approaching at high speeds and fully intent on eviscerating both me and my talking snail.

…damn it, when the _hell_ did my life become a cheesy B-list 80s action movie!?

"Sometimes, it freaking _sucks_ to live in an anime…" I ground out.

" _BE HAPPY_ THIS ISN'T **Evangelion,"** Soundbite shot back. " **NOW RUN, DAMMIT!"**

And with that I turned tail and ran, bolting for the bar as fast as I could run. The dirt exploded all around me and the air was filled with the distinctive chatter-chatter of automatic weapons as Miss Friday opened fire. Even with Friday's rage no doubt impeding her aim, I still felt at least three bullets graze my greaves before I was within range of the window. Two more bullets sped by my head, shearing clean through the glass and leaving substantial cracks in the pane before I leapt forwards, crossing my arms in front of my face.

_SMASH!_

There was one aspect of jumping through glass windows that the movies typically didn't show you: it stung like all _hell!_ Both the impact of jumping through and the glass shards that showered around me did much to aggravate my previous injuries. Still, I had enough wherewithal left in me to turn around and see Miss Friday pull up and soar out of sight moments before she reached the window, having been no less than a foot or two behind me.

"Well, that worked…" I huffed, slowly working my way to my feet and gingerly dusting myself off, more than a few stray shards falling off of me in the process.

"NOT FOR LONG," Soundbite growled warily, his eyes tracking something through the roof and walls. " _She's circling around,_ **bleeding off speed. SHE'LL BE** _HERE SOON!_ YOU GOTTA HIDE, _**now!"**_

I tensed and frantically scanned the inside of the bar. "Alright, alright, uhhh…" Unfortunately, the owner had apparently decided to clear out as much as he could before he left. All that was left in the place were a half dozen tables, some chairs, the bottles that were arrayed on the shelves behind the bar itself— _the bar!_

Moving fast, I scrambled towards the bar and vaulted myself over the countertop. Once I was on the other side, I pressed myself as close to the floor as I could, clamping both mine and Soundbite's mouths shut.

The sound of flapping wings followed by a sudden crunch of glass heralded the proactive buzzard's return, and told me that I hadn't been a moment too soon.

For a bare moment, silence reigned. No movement, no noise, no _nothing._

_RATATATATAT—!_

Until Miss Friday let loose with a hail of bullets.

I was grateful for the sheer noise that the gunfire was producing, because I was cursing up a storm beneath my breath while the world around me went to pot. The bullets that flew above the bar impacted what was left of the establishment's liquor stock, eviscerating almost a dozen bottles in the first barrage alone and their shelves alongside them, sending a cascade of booze, glass and wood splinters raining down around me. Furthermore, while the thick wood of the bar itself served to stop more than a few of the bullets, others still managed to pass through. The round that ricocheted off my forearm was particularly distressing.

The one that punched through the bar inches in front of my eyes and buried itself in the floor beneath my nose was notably _worse._

Then, as fast as the onslaught had started, it was all over, leaving behind only the tinkling of glass and the _drip-drip-drip_ of wasted booze.

The silence lasted just long enough for my heartbeat to downgrade to the rhythm of a jackhammer… until it was ratcheted _right_ back up there again by the slow and steady crunching of glass beneath that psychotic _bitch_ of a bird's talons.

I dug my teeth into my lip as I fought to keep myself silent. God damn it, the second that bird found me I was going to be turned into a legitimate freaking _sieve._ What the hell could I possibly use to get out of here, I was in a _bar_ for goodness sakes!

Suddenly, I was drawn out of my thoughts by Soundbite grunting firmly and nudging his head against my neck. The second he had my attention, he turned his eyestalks upward and jabbed them at something up and behind me.

I followed his gaze and promptly widened my eyes in shock.

Of course… how could I forget? I wasn't just in a bar; I was in a stereotypical bar in the middle of the _Grand Line._

Moving as _slowly_ as possible in order to minimize the noise I was making, I slid my hands towards my last hope and wrapped my fingers around it, drawing it towards me as the sound of talons scratching against the floor came closer and closer.

I paused for a moment as I contemplated just _how_ I could effectively use my newfound advantage but was swiftly interrupted by a flap of wings and a heavy _thunk_ echoing out from directly above me. I tensed furiously for a moment as I caught sight of Miss Friday's shadow looming on the wall before me… but I was able to marginally relax when the shadow's head instead started slowly swiveling back and forth, her gaze scanning the wood mere inches away from where I was lying.

Moving as swiftly as I dared, I positioned my only hope upwards, pointing it directly at where Miss Friday was standing as I readied myself for what I was about to attempt. Before I acted, I absentmindedly slid my headphones over my ears as a single thought ran through my head.

' _If I get out of this alive, I am never complaining about there being too few gun laws for as long as I live.'_

And with that, I racked the slide of the bartender's shotgun.

Miss Friday had just enough time to heave her wings and fling herself backward off the bar as I pulled the shotgun's trigger, causing the bar to explode with an all-encompassing _BANG!_

I paused for a second as I waited for the world to stop ringing from the close-proximity detonation before hastily scrambling to my feet and throwing a glare at the vicious bird that had retreated to standing on one of the bar's tables. "Not so fun from the other side, huh?" I demanded hotly as I leveled the barrel at her.

Friday spared a glance at the gun before directing her own glare at me. "Do you even know how to use that?" she rasped viciously.

I glanced down for a moment before shrugging and reaffirming my grip. "Point shooty end at thing you want dead, pull trigger. Seems simple enough to me. Now…" I pumped the gun's slide again. "Smile, you ugly—!" I fired before I finished speaking, eviscerating the tabletop Friday had been standing on. Unfortunately, I missed the bird herself on account of how she leaped to another vantage point.

I repeated the process several times as I followed her across the bar, blasting table after chair after table in an attempt to take out my assailant. Admittedly, the sheer buck on this thing and my own shoulder wound weren't doing my aim any favors, but then again this _was_ a shotgun I was using, and I'm pretty certain that the barrel was a few inches shorter than was strictly regulated, so I had a generous margin of error to work within.

Unfortunately, all too soon a resounding _click!_ heralded the end of my chances to hit within said margin.

Miss Friday promptly froze before whipping her head around and viciously leering at me. Judging by her posture, she was about two seconds away from leaping at me, and the way she was digging her talons into the table she was on told me that she _wasn't_ going to settle for her guns this time.

I froze in terror for a brief moment… before plastering a confident grin on my face as I recalled something that _might_ just give me a chance. I swept a hand beneath the countertop and grabbed ahold of what I was looking for. "You really shouldn't be smiling, ya know!" I called out to the buzzard. "You think you've got me cornered? Newsflash: this is a bar, and the nation is in the middle of a war! And in my experience…" I widened my grin to what I hoped were truly manic levels, which caused Friday to hesitate uncertainly. "Bartenders can get their hands on the most _interesting_ of items."

Before Friday could react, I whipped my arm out from under the bar and flung a small, dark object into the air. "FIRE IN THE HOLE!" I bellowed at the top of my lungs.

Friday promptly squawked in panic and upended the table she was on, diving beneath it. I darted into a corridor leading to the bar's backrooms just as the object bounced off of the tabletop.

I panted furiously as I searched the corridors, looking for somewhere to hide. "Think she'll be mad?"

Soundbite jabbed an eye out of his shell and gave me a befuddled look. "FOR THROWING A GRENADE? _I don't think_ **she'll live long enough!"**

"Huh? Oh, that wasn't a grenade."

" **WHAT!?"** Soundbite yelped, jerking out of his shell in shock _just_ as a screech of impotent avian rage tore through the bar.

I flinched at the unholy noise before grinning in relief as I caught sight of two curtains hanging on opposite sides of the hallway. Hel- _lo,_ bathrooms! "Yeeeaaaah, that was a mug I noticed hanging under the bar. Sounds like she didn't appreciate it!" I chuckled as I ducked behind the curtain on the left, but not before kicking the right one so that it was fluttering slightly as well.

Soundbite's jaw hung open for a moment before he grinned eagerly. " _You are DA BLUFF MASTAH!"_ he quietly giggled.

I nodded as I hid in the stall, flipping the shotgun in my grip and weighing it contemplatively before responding. "Yeah, well, let's see if it'll pay off. Cross your eyestalks…"

A second later, the sound of talons scrabbling on wood sounded out, and Friday's silhouette nosed its way in front of the curtain. Her head turned in our direction, but promptly froze as she no doubt noticed the _other_ curtain moving. As it was, she had a fifty-fifty chance of finding my hiding place, and that was if I'd even decided to hide behind the curtains at all.

I swallowed silently as I held the gun up in anticipation. If it worked, I'd only have one shot at taking Friday down. If it didn't… well, I'd still have that one shot, but it would hinge on me being faster than her bullets, so I wasn't all that confident. In the end, it all hinged on what stall she chose.

Soundbite chose for her. Before I could react, the Baby Transponder Snail suddenly donned a massive grin and jerked forwards, loosing a resounding "ACHOO!"

An 'achoo' that sounded out in the stall we were in, nearly stopping my heart.

However, instead of filling _me_ with lead, Miss Friday instead swung towards the curtains _opposite_ us and let loose with her ammunition until her guns clicked dry. She stood firm for a moment, panting viciously…

CLONK!

Until I, unwilling to look a gift horse in the mouth, jumped onto her back and _smashed_ the butt of the shotgun against the back of her skull, causing her to collapse into a heap of feathers.

"Holy crap…" I panted heavily as I wiped my forearm against my head. "So, that's what they mean when they say 'you bet your life'… " I then shot a dumbfounded look at Soundbite. "But why didn't she—?!"

Soundbite chortled heartily as he stuck his tongue out at Miss Friday. "I TOO AM _DA BLUFF MASTAH!_ **I guessed that** _after Little Garden,_ _ **THESE TWO WOULDN'T**_ **TRUST THEIR EARS** _**around me!**_ TURNS OUT, _**IT WAS THEIR LOSS!**_ "

I blinked at Soundbite in shock for a moment before smiling gratefully as I hefted the shotgun in my grip. Stock was a bit cracked, wouldn't be good as a club again was my guess. "Wow… not bad, Soundbite. I should have expected that from you."

Soundbite started to preen… but suddenly cut himself off and glared down the corridor, no doubt towards the bar's back door. " _ **He's here."**_

"Yeah…" I swung my arm back and held the shotgun at the ready. "I _was_ actually expecting that _._ Say when."

Things were tense for a brief moment as we waited…

" _ **NOW!"**_

Until Soundbite's shout rang out, prompting me to swing the shotgun butt forward as hard as I could.

It was at just that moment that Mr. 13 shot out from around the corner of the corridor, bivalve shell separated into its twin shapes, blades extended to slice me open.

Thankfully, Soundbite's timing had been spot on: the shotgun butt caught the aquatic rodent dead in the center of his muzzle, managing to bat him back down the corridor and off the far wall before giving up the ghost and shattering.

Still, judging by the way 13 was growling and shaking his head, he wasn't completely down yet. Hence, I decided to tactically retreat back into the bar-proper, so as to give myself more room to fight. Once I was in the middle of what little remained of the tables, I wheeled around and faced the hall into the back room, eyeing it nervously and palming my baton.

I didn't have to wait long. Within moments, Mr. 13 leapt out of the corridor and landed on the countertop, his face set in a scowl and his blades held out at his sides.

I swallowed heavily before steeling my nerves and flicking my baton out to its full length. "Time to put an end to this, _water-rat,"_ I scowled.

" **LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLE!"** Soundbite roared.

Mr. 13 bounded into the main area, jumping off the bar and diving for me, shells drawn back to slice up whatever he could reach. Unfortunately for him, he instead ran into my baton, getting a hard smack to the head for his trouble that sent him tumbling to the floor. He skidded to a halt, and paused, seeming to rethink his approach as he re-evaluated me.

As for me, I couldn't help myself. I reached out with my left hand and did the Matrix-style "Come hither" gesture.

Baring his fangs, Mr. 13 bounded for me yet again, and I braced for another jump attack. Instead, though, he pushed off to the side, going to my left. I spun around to keep him in sight, but by the time I'd completed the turn he was already bounding around me again. I quickly gave up the turning as a lost cause as Mr. 13 bounced all over the room: off the bar, the tables, the chairs, the floor. I could barely keep track him.

" **Behind, five o'clock!"**

Thankfully, my 'barely' was Soundbite's 'effortlessly'. With my partner providing sound tracking and 13 unable to maneuver effectively in mid-air, this attack also simply resulted in him eating a baton strike, this time to the body.

"How d'you like that?" I crowed as the otter rolled up against the bar. He didn't reply in favor of getting up and grinning menacingly, before darting for me again. I tensed, waiting for him to do another jump charge or high-speed cut.

Problem is, he didn't do that, instead going for my legs.

"Ow, fuck!" I yelped as I felt the clamshells bounce off of my armored shins. They didn't really cut me, but god _damn_ did the little bastard swing hard! I tried to hit him again with my baton, but he was far too low for that to work. All that earned me was a cut into the backs of my thighs.

Still, painful as it was, sooner or later 13 would put himself in position for me to punt him again.

"Let me know when he's about to go for the front," I muttered to Soundbite.

" **Gotcha** — _Front!_ "

I kicked out my foot—and hit nothing but air as the _thrice-damned fucking otter_ slammed into my groin head-first. The only thing that saved me from getting shredded into eunuch-dom was the fact that I instinctively grabbed at my abused member and fell forward, which trapped the furry bastard under me as I slumped onto the floor, whimpering.

" _CROSS!"_ Soundbite shouted with considerable urgency. I ignored him, too wrapped up in my own agony.

I did _not_ ignore the sharp prick I felt at my waist.

"Oh, no, you don't!" I shouted, flipping onto my back and throwing him off of me. I… might have put in a bit more force than I intended, due to the roaring pain I was still in, and Mr. 13 not only cleared the bar, he went high enough to hit the back shelf.

The second I caught sight of him, my eyes widened as an idea hit me. Here's hoping that this worked!

Moving as fast as I could, I vaulted over the bar and grabbed onto Mr. 13's onesie before he could recover and squirm his way off.

"Word to the wise, jackass," I growled as I pressed him into the woodwork. "Next time you fight someone who's more than triple your bodyweight, don't stay still long enough for them to grab you!" Before 13 could respond in any manner, I broke into a run down the length of the backshelf, dragging the otter through a combination of spilled alcohol, glass shards and the few odd bottles that had managed to survive Friday's onslaught and 13's acrobatics. Once I reached the end of the shelf, I twisted my body and _heaved,_ flinging the otter at the wall—

SLAM!

Which he smacked into and stuck to with all the tenacity of silly putty. He stayed firmly stuck in place for a moment before slowly peeling off the wall and flopping to the ground, where he moaned and shook his head in an effort to clear it of the haze he was no doubt in.

I, however, wasn't about to let that happen, a sentiment I followed through with by digging my free hand into my pocket. This fight was ending here and now, and on _my_ terms.

"Hey, jackass."

13 snapped his head around to glare at me, fangs bared in a snarl.

I kept my expression flat as I flicked the wheel of the lighter I was holding, bringing out a flame. "This message is brought to you by the Straw Hat Pirates, inadvertently funded by Master Chief Petty Officer Tashigi of the Marines."

The otter blinked in confusion for a brief moment before his jaw dropped open in panic, cold sweat running down his face as he recalled the fact that he was _soaked_ in high-proof liquor. He started frantically shaking his head…

A motion I ignored as I split my lips in a scowl. "Don't. _Fuck._ With our _friend's kingdom_."

" _The song of the HOUR IS_ _ **GREAT BALLS OF FIRE!"**_ Soundbite roared at the top of his lungs.

And with that, I tossed the lighter at the assassin.

13 scrambled in an effort to get away, but he didn't get far on account of the selfsame alcohol he was soaked in robbing him of any and all traction. It kept him in place _just_ long enough—

FWOOSH!

" _AAAAAAARGH!"_

For the lighter to bounce off of his forehead and set him ablaze, causing him to howl and flail about in agony. 13 spent a brief moment attempting to wrench his onesie off of his body, but ultimately gave up and instead bolted towards the corridor to the back, thankfully robbed of his senses enough that he didn't think to try and set the rest of the booze in the place on fire.

"Oh, no, you don't!" I snarled, dashing after the pyro-clad pest and following him down the hallway.

When we reached Friday, 13 paid her no mind in favor of leaping right over her and continued his mad escape. I did, however, happen to notice the fact that she was slowly raising her head and shaking it blearily.

"DENIED!" I roared, stomping my feet down on her skull, Goomba-style, using her as an impromptu stepping stone to continue after her partner.

Within moments, 13 and I had reached the rear of the bar, where he rocketed out into the alleyway. From there, he beelined straight for a stray barrel, no doubt forgotten in the madness of the evacuation. The furry bastard ripped the cover clean off, revealing the water held within, before plunging himself into the liquid, submerging himself completely. Bubbles trailed up from the water for a few seconds…

"PWAAAAH!"

Until 13 burst out of the water with a sigh of relief, covered in almost comical scorch marks as he panted gratefully and floated on his back in the water. He allowed himself to relax for a moment, no doubt grateful to be back in his natural element.

"That'll do, pig."

"Hu— _BRBRL!?"_

I made him regret his decision by grabbing his shoulders and plunging him beneath the water, holding his head as far away from oxygen as I could manage.

"That'll do," I snarled darkly.

" _ **DID YOU**_ _even_ SEE THAT _MOVIE?"_ Soundbite asked with a cocked eyebrow.

I shrugged semi-indifferently as I struggled to keep the otter's head under. God _damn_ he was strong for such a little bugger! "Not really, but it's the tone that counts."

" **Good point,"** Soundbite conceded.

My struggle with 13 lasted a few goodly minutes, with the otter pulling every trick and tactic it could think of to try and get out. Unluckily for _it_ for once, his onesie gave me just the kind of handhold I needed to keep him submerged. For a brief moment, I was _seriously_ scared when the otter braced himself against the side of the barrel and started kicking, obviously trying to break it open. Thinking fast, I repositioned my left hand so that it was gripping the back of his neck, while I rammed my right fist into the back of his head a few times, forcing him to release a few more precious bubbles of oxygen.

Still, either way, the wood came _this_ close to breaking, when finally his kicks started losing their strength, becoming weaker and weaker until… nothing.

I allowed myself to sag in relief when the otter went limp in my grip before turning contemplative. I had this little furry bastard right where I wanted him. I could end this, right here, right now, and no one would be any the wiser. Hell, even if someone did know, could they blame me? 13 had tried to kill me! And besides, he was just an otter. It wouldn't be that bad, right?

…right?

…

"Ah, screw it," I growled, heaving 13's head out of the water and shaking him a bit.

The assassin immediately jerked and spluttered, spitting out a hefty amount of water before gasping in relief. He tried to take in another breath—!

_WHAM-WHAM-WHAM-WHAM-WHAM!_

And I responded by repeatedly bouncing his skull off the edge of the barrel with as much force as I could put into it. By the time I was done, 13 was moaning unintelligibly, his sunglasses cracked and a rather massive steaming lump growing out of the point of impact.

Hey, I might have been merciful, but by no means was I stupid.

I allowed myself to relax slightly—

" **SIX O'—** _ **ARGH!"**_

Until Soundbite suddenly screamed in terror, his warning cutting off just as swiftly as his weight disappeared from my shoulder.

"SOUNDBITE!" I screamed, hastily wheeling around.

Standing there, _again,_ was Miss Friday in all her furious, if disheveled glory. Her feathers were ruffled, her wrinkled skin was showing more than a few bruises, and her goggles were _definitely_ cracked, but apart from that she was fine. Fine enough that she had managed to sneak up on me and snatch Soundbite from my shoulder, save that she wasn't holding him in her talons this time. This time… he was in her beak.

And judging by the evil gleam in her goggles, he wasn't ever coming out if she could help it.

I breathed heavily as I inched my way towards the vulture, my arms spread in what I _really_ hoped was a non-threatening manner. "Alright, alright…" I hissed nervously. "You have Soundbite, you have the advantage, let's not do anything _stupid—"_ I tried to take a step forwards…

"ACK!" Soundbite yelped as Friday's beak suddenly tensed.

"Alright!" I shot my foot back, raising my hands in surrender. "Y-you don't just have the advantage, you have me by the balls! Just-just what do you want, huh? What do you want!?"

Friday cocked her head to the side, feigning thinking about something. Finally, she tilted her beak up into a sneer. "I told you earlier… I want you…"

She suddenly tensed her beak further, causing a resounding _CRACK!_ to echo out, accompanied by an agonized yelp from Soundbite.

"To _suffer."_

And with that, the muscles in her jaw tensed as she prepared to _seriously_ bite down.

" _SOUNDBITE!"_ I shouted, jerking at the avian menace.

Soundbite's response to all this…

" _ **YEEEAAARGH!"**_

Was to scream like I'd never heard him scream before.

The sound tore through me like a shot through the heart.

In Friday's case, the comparison was a _lot_ more literal. Without warning, Friday's beak was suddenly split open by a crack, blood oozing out from between the keratin fragments. And that was far from the end of it, either. Friday's entire _body_ reacted, her every muscle and joint snapping taut as she went rigid, shuddering in what I presumed was agony, her legs buckling beneath her and, unless my eyes deceived me, some of her feathers even falling out. In the process of her flailing, Soundbite was flung away from the buzzard's form, accompanied by a spray of blood.

"SOUNDBITE!" I yelped as I watched him fly away. I took a brief moment to glance at Friday, but if the way she was lying on her back with bloody foam bubbling out of her beak was any indication, I'd say that she was _finally_ down for the count.

Satisfied with my victory, I dashed over to where Soundbite had been thrown. Thankfully, when I found him, it was just as he was poking his head out of a bag of white powder he'd managed to land in; flour, from the texture of it. He was hacking and wheezing up a few lungfuls of the stuff, but apart from a nasty crack in his shell, he seemed unharmed.

"Soundbite! Are you alright!?" I asked desperately as I fished him out of the powder.

Soundbite coughed and wheezed for a second as he tried to shake the stuff off of him, but he nodded nonetheless.

"Oh, thank God…" I sagged in relief. "That was _way_ too close for comfort." I glanced back at Friday contemplatively. "But what the heck was that?" I trailed off as I thought it over. Soundbite had screamed before she'd reacted, louder than I'd ever heard. And earlier today he'd been practicing humming. Humming so low that the very air was vibra—!

"It was you, wasn't it?" I breathed in awe. "That humming thing you were doing, you were looking for a frequency that affects matter! Like-like how just the right noise is supposed to shatter glass, only you made it work on something that _wasn't_ glass! I-If I had to guess, then you must have shattered every bone in Friday's body when you hit her with pure noise, right?"

Soundbite preened and nodded eagerly… before blinking and looking down in confusion.

I dismissed his expression in favor of revelling of the sheer display of badassery I'd just seen. "Soundbite, that's-that's incredible! Innovative, powerful, _useful…_ I can't imagine just how many barriers can be brought down with a simple blast of—!"

I trailed off as an idea struck me before my grin returned with gusto. "I think I just got an idea for a name for this technique. Tell me, how does 'Gastro-Blast' work for you?"

Soundbite's expression immediately became ecstatic, his grin opening up… as he let out a strangled, raspy noise that translated into nothing.

I blinked in confusion. "Uh… Soundbite?"

Soundbite tried to speak again, and let out yet another rasp. He tried again and again, but all that came out was that exact same rusty wheeze.

I felt the blood drain from my face as I realized what the hell was happening, though I _dearly_ hoped that I was wrong. "Soundbite…" I started slowly. "Please tell me that you can say _something!"_

Soundbite wheezed and hacked like a broken squeaky toy, panic evident in his own expression.

I glanced at the sack of flour Soundbite had landed in. It must have gotten in his mouth, in his throat. _Shit,_ even when we managed to beat the Unluckies fair and square, we _still_ suffered for their involvement!

"Soundbite, we still need you to amp Vivi so that she can stop the rebellion!" I hissed. "Please, for the love of _God_ tell me that there's still _something_ you can do!"

Soundbite wheezed frantically for a moment longer before giving me an apologetic look and shaking his head.

I hung my head with a tortured groan. "Yeah, that just figures, doesn't it? Ergh…"

I snapped my head up to the sky again. "You're enjoying this, aren't you? Let me repeat myself: if I live through this, I had better have some damn good form of compensation coming my way, BECAUSE YOU FUCKING OWE ME!"

I spared the troll that brought me here and was no doubt laughing at me right now no more thought as I took off running; with Soundbite muted, the war wasn't going to stop until the rain started falling…

"Soundbite, which way is the square?"

The snail shot me an incredulous look.

"If we can't amp Vivi, then this rebellion isn't going to stop until the sky spills over, and that's going to be after a lot of Vivi's people die. If we can't stop this, then we can at least cut down on the casualties. Now, which way is it?"

Soundbite grimaced, apparently at his own inability to talk, and indicated a direction with his eyestalks. I took off running the next second, trying to fight my way past the pain I felt in my legs. I grit my teeth as I remembered Nami's fight with Doublefinger.

"This pain…it's nothing compared to what she's going through," I muttered to myself, forcing my way through the streets. After a few minutes, I turned into an alleyway where I saw a welcome sight.

"Nami!"

The navigator turned to look at me, but her next reaction wasn't what I was expecting: her face morphed into a scowl, and she shifted her Clima-Tact in her hands, ready to attack.

"Wh—it's me, Nami!" I said, throwing up my hands in surrender.

"Who's the second greatest traveler in the world?" she asked flatly.

"Hu—oh, right! That would be Pandaman, ranking right below Gol D. Roger!" I promptly replied.

"Wrong answer! Pandaman doesn't exist," she growled, jabbing the point of her staff at me.

" _That's a lie!_ Pandaman is real, just like the great Goda!" I shot back.

Nami's posture relaxed. Her face didn't.

"Cross, what the hell happened to the plan of stopping the rebel army before they even got here?" she snapped.

I snarled in response as I gestured at my bandaged shoulder. "A homicidal otter with dual shell-blades and a vulture armed with high-caliber machineguns stole my talking snail and then tried to kill me when I jumped off a building to catch up to them!" I let that statement mull over for a brief moment before my expression fell slack. "What the _hell_ has my life become?"

Nami sighed in turn as she shook her head. "Madness and insanity, Cross, madness and insanity…" She then smiled lightly as she squeezed my uninjured shoulder. "Still, at least you managed to get out of there alright."

"For a certain definition of 'alright,' anyway," I replied darkly. Shaking that off for the moment, I noticed that Nami was in a lot better shape than I expected. She had a few scratches and minor puncture marks here and there, yeah, but at least she didn't have a hole punched into her leg, so that was definitely something. "Looks like you managed to make out like a bandit, too, huh?"

Nami snickered in agreement and jabbed her Clima-Tact in the ground before flashing a V-sign. "Ee-yup! Assassin that bitch might have been, but she sure as hell couldn't hit someone she couldn't see! I just kept sneaking around and turning her into a lightning rod until all she could do was twitch!" She then shuddered and slapped her hand to a bruise that was starting to develop on her midsection. "Granted, she _did_ manage to zero in on me a few times and give me a hell of a lariat, with those freaky arms of hers, but yeah, turns out that using a lightning-barrage is a really good tactic."

"Yeah, just as long as you're not fighting someone who ate a Devil Fruit that makes them immune to lightning," I chuckled.

There was a pregnant pause as Nami digested that. "…Are we going to be fighting someone like that?" she asked.

I gave her a flat look, as did Soundbite. She blinked in confusion, and then facepalmed as it hit her.

"Right, stupid question," she groaned.

"Seriously, you're supposed to be the _smart_ one," I continued, before pausing and tacking on a qualification. "At least, until there's a lot of money involved."

_CLONK!_

"Okay, I admit, I earned that one," I moaned as I massaged the goose egg now sprouting from my head. Soundbite concurred by shaking with silent laughter.

Nami opened her mouth to say something… before pausing as she realized something and cast a half-flat-half-panicked look at the snail. "Cross…" she started slowly. "Why isn't the big-mouthed snail laughing his little ugly ass off like he always does whenever I hit you?"

Soundbite and I froze with dual-stricken expressions before I grinned sheepishly. "Ah… he lost his voice when we beat the Unlucki—ERK!"

"YOU MEAN TO TELL ME OUR ACE IN THE HOLE IS _USELESS_ NOW!?" Nami howled as she tried to wring my neck.

"Uncle… _Uncle…!_ " I managed to wheeze out.

"Tsk… at least some things stay the same in this crazy world."

Nami and I looked at the source of the strained yet familiar voice and promptly recoiled in horror. The person before us _looked_ like Zoro… if the swordsman had been put through an industrial-sized meat grinder.

"Holy shit, man, how the hell are you _alive!?"_ I demanded, rushing over to him and supporting one of his arms. "I swear to God, I've seen shredded beef brisket less cut up than you! Nami, come and give me some help, damn it!"

"Eh… you're sure he doesn't have any bloodborne diseases, right?"

"JUST HURRY UP AND PUT IT ON HIS TAB, WOMAN!"

"Alright, alright…" Nami grumbled as she joined me.

Zoro shot a halfhearted glare in my direction. "Hey, I don't need your—!"

"If these wounds don't lay you out, then I can guarantee you that Chopper will," I shot back flatly. "Do you want him to break out the good drugs again, hmm? _Do you?"_

Zoro promptly adopted a panicked expression and shuddered heavily. "So many colors and I couldn't hit any of them… Alright already, just hurry up and get me patched up."

"Heh," I chuckled as Nami and I helped haul Zoro out of the alleyway. "Yeah, that's what I thought."

**-o-**

The rest of the crew was waiting for us at the palace walls, and it was clear that they had had varying levels of success in their fights. Usopp was only about 70% covered in bandages rather than 100%, Chopper looked a bit better, Sanji was only somewhat banged up, and Vivi had a few bullet holes in her clothes, but nothing serious. Alongside them were Chaka, Pell, Luffy… and oddly enough, Kohza. Luffy waved off my apologies for not telling him about Crocodile's weakness, saying that he knew it now, before he went back to the palace lawn for his rematch. Once he rocketed off, I forestalled the crew asking if he'd win this time by asking what Kohza was doing there, leaving him and Pell to explain.

From what they said, Vivi's absence from the palace when Crocodile arrived and started interrogating Cobra hadn't changed much in the grand scheme of things. Cobra had stayed tight-lipped up until the point where Kohza showed up at the palace. Crocodile, smug bastard that he was, had informed Kohza of the truth, and then Miss All Sunday prepared to silence him. Cobra spoke out against that, and proposed to lead Robin to the Poneglyph if she released Kohza. As soon as they left, Crocodile elected to gloat at Kohza for a while before killing him anyway by dropping him off the balcony, only for Luffy and Pell to show up at just the right moment to catch him. As their explanation finished, Vivi took the opportunity to ask Soundbite to amplify her, and Chaka and Pell promptly had to hold her back from strangling us when I told her that he had lost his voice.

"So, what are we supposed to do now?" Kohza asked as the two finished pulling her away.

"Vivi, you managed to take out the Mr. 7 team, right?" I quickly confirmed.

"I—yes, the Kicking Claw Force is guarding the bomb now," Vivi nodded in confirmation, visibly calming herself before turning to her family's keepers. "Pell, do you think that you can fly it out of range of the city and still be safe?"

"Of course, Princess Vivi, I'm more than capable of it!" Pell answered with a bow before wincing painfully. "Admittedly, I might still be sore from that Sunday woman—!"

Vivi shot a cold glare at me, which forced me to look away uncomfortably.

"But so long as I take it straight up and dive a few seconds before it goes off, then yes, I should be fine. I'll take care of it at once, unless there's anything else you need?"

Vivi glanced at me and I shrugged uneasily. "Hell if I know, things are already completely nuts as is."

She eventually just sighed and waved Pell on. "Then fine, go. Actually, as a matter of fact, I'll go with you," Vivi decided as she stepped up to him. "The clocktower will give me a good vantage point I can use to try and catch everyone's attention."

"Alright," Nami nodded in agreement. "Meanwhile, we'll try and stop this madness as best as we can from here on the ground. Any ideas how?"

"No public speeches, for one," I grumbled, casting a glance at Kohza. "Tell your most trusted officers and stop the fighting piece by piece, but if you put yourself out in the open and do it all at once, you're just going to get shot by a plant… or a lone radical, for that matter."

"But we've already purged the Royal Army; wouldn't it raise suspicion if one of them fired—?"

"How hard is it to change uniforms?" Sanji asked quietly.

That brought everyone up short.

"And besides that, in this madness," I gestured at the war going on a few dozen scant feet from us, kept where it was only by some Rebels and Royals noticing their respective leaders and trying to keep them safe, mostly by gritting their teeth and shooting at the two armies rather than each other, "it wouldn't matter either way. One shot, Kohza goes down and everything flares back up again. No, we can't stop this fighting on our own. The best we can do is try and slow this all down and hold out until Luffy beats Crocodile, then everything will come to an end."

" _T-try_ —"

Everyone glanced at Soundbite, the whisper just loud enough for us to hear it. He went back to wheezing again after saying it, but the message was clear.

"So, we're buying time and keeping the body count to a minimum until Luffy beats Crocodile, and if Soundbite manages to get his voice back in the meantime, so much the better for us," Nami concluded.

I nodded in agreement before clapping my hands firmly. "We all know what to do. Let's get to it."

Vivi swallowed and nodded grimly in response, climbing onto Pell's back once he transformed. "Good luck to you all."

"You too!"

And with that, she was off and we all dove into the fray.

Protip: fighting against a mass of people like that? It sucks. It sucks a _lot._ It wasn't just blades and bullets we had to look out for in the pandemonium, it was limbs, heads, flying boots, rocks…you name it, it probably nearly beaned me half a dozen times over the course of the melee. And it wasn't just my ass I had to look after, it was everyone else's as well. I had to keep a Rebel from slashing Usopp from behind, smash in the face of a Baroque Works plant that tried to take a shot at Chopper, and I am _fairly_ certain that Royal Guard who tried to grab Nami didn't have that limp when the war started.

That said, I did let that one Royal soldier slam into Zoro's chest. After all the shit he'd been putting me through, it felt _nice_ to laugh at least a little bit.

Still, for all the times that I had to watch my friend's backs, they had mine just as much. If it weren't for the half-formed lightning Nami seemed to make out of thin air, I'd have gotten shot in the head. If it weren't for Sanji kneecapping a Rebel I'd missed, I'd have literally lost my head. Hell, if it weren't for Soundbite nearly taking a chunk out of my neck with his teeth, a cannonball that someone had been stupid enough to fire off would have gone clean through my torso.

Though I'm fairly certain that Zoro let that bastard with the club nearly break my nose before he stopped him, which, in my opinion, was just uncalled for.

And the worst of it all was… that it was practically unending. Minutes, hours... you could have told me that it went on for days, and I wouldn't have known the difference. All I could focus on was staying standing. Throw a kick at the misguided rebel, swing the baton at the plant in the Royal outfit, backhand the guy trying to sneak up on me, dodge out of the way of the lightning bolt ( _really_ needed to help Nami figure out a way to control that), brain left, brain right, crotch shot center. It was _exhausting,_ and the fact that I couldn't stop remembering what the cause of all this was kept my adrenaline from giving me any reprieve _._

But every time I was about to collapse from exhaustion, every time I was about to give up and collapse and let someone else take up the slack… All I had to do was listen. I just had to strain my hearing and listen.

_ZSSSSHHHHH!_

That wasn't what I was listening for, that was Nami frying a group of unruly Royals - and a few Rebels we'd managed to get on our side _ah, damn it!_

Ergh, that made our job a bit harder, but no, no, what I was listening for was… her voice. Vivi's voice. Even with her newfound confidence and sense of authority, she couldn't help but speak up. Although… she wasn't really speaking at all. Rather she was… screaming. _Pleading_ as loud as she possibly could for everyone, Royals she was trying to make listen and Rebels who _wouldn't,_ to just. Stop. Fighting.

She was trying, trying so _hard…_ and so long as she was trying, that meant that I had absolutely no right to stop, even for a _moment._

Still, thankfully enough a reprieve _did_ come eventually, in the form of what was all but an act of _God._ The sky lit up, the sheer sound seemed to make the air shatter. I couldn't even begin to contemplate where the hell Crocodile could have gotten a bomb like that. Worst case scenario, Joker had provided it to him, which meant that _Doflamingo_ had the capability to level a city tucked in his back pocket and available to the highest bidder.

Still, for all that the bomb was horrific in its power, at least it gave us something of a reprieve due to everyone pausing to look up at the sky. I took advantage of the lull by tackling a stunned BW plant who'd been about to mess with a stock of gunpowder in a way that I assumed _wouldn't_ help anyone present.

Sadly, as swiftly as the pause started, it ended, with a roar from _every_ soldier present. And unlike before… this one was just so much more worse. I had a sneaking suspicion that each soldier was blaming the other side for the bomb, which made their reaction rather understandable.

Still, understandable though it was, it was just… flat out terrifying. The sheer hatred, the _bloodlust…_ they weren't fighting for their causes anymore, half of this was out of a triggered primal need to fight just for fighting's sake.

The _only_ good part of it was that in the midst of it all, I managed to catch sight of something big, white and feathery diving into the madness just as it restarted. And I couldn't help but notice the crowd leave a fairly sizable empty space around him.

By this point, the only reason exhaustion hadn't led to us all getting overrun was that the dueling armies were just as tired. My dodges were drunken and the counterattacks sluggish, but my opponents were in equally bad shape. At this rate, the fight might have actually ended with everyone dying from exhaustion rather than by steel and black powder.

Thankfully, however, that wasn't how it ended.

The way it ended…[was with the sound of strings](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TL8KazzwdAU).

It brought me up short for a second, but there it was: violins and cellos, clear as the day itself, ringing out loud and proud over the sound of warfare. And just as soon as the strings started up, they were joined by other instruments as well: trumpets ringing out like clarions, drums pounding hard enough to shake our very cores. A full orchestra, blaring out triumphantly against the ravages of this war.

I strained my ears as I listened to the music, trying to place it, because it sounded _so_ familiar. And the second I did…

"Pfff… _PFHAHAHAHAHA!"_

I fell to my knees and laughed. I laughed and laughed and laughed, letting so much joy and relief roll out of me.

Nami, dumbfounded by both the music and my reaction alike, paused and glanced over at me in shock. "Cross, do you know what's going on? Do you know what that music is?"

"PFHAHAHA!" I roared happily. "Oh, I know what this music is, alright, I know!" At that moment, the ground beneath us started to tremble and lurch, shaking us all to our very cores.

"What the—?" Nami started, looking down at her feet, but I kept going.

"THIS IS THE MUSICAL MASTERPIECE KNOWN AS DVORAK'S NINTH SYMPHONY, PLAYED IN E MINOR, 'FROM THE NEW WORLD!'" I laughed. "AND IF IT'S PLAYING, RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW, THEN THAT CAN ONLY MEAN ONE THING, AND ONE! THING! ONLY!"

I forced myself to my feet, and pointed in the distance, where several buildings were beginning to tilt due to the bulging and distended earth.

"IT MEANS THAT THIS IS ALL OVER! IT MEANS THAT THIS _WAR_ IS OVER! IT MEANS THAT _WE! HAVE! WON!"_

Nami followed my gaze and gasped in shock. "You… you mean—?" she asked, hope tinging her voice.

The music crescendoed, the earth erupted… and Crocodile, sandy cold-blooded bastard that he was, was sent _flying._

"HE WON!" I whooped, flinging my arms up in victory. Tears streamed from the corners of my eyes as I laughed in relief, watching as soldier after soldier stopped fighting to gape in awe. "LUFFY BEAT CROCODILE! _HE WON!"_

The crew promptly joined me in celebrating, and I watched with no small amount of relief as the soldiers paused to listen to the beautiful noise of the music filling the air.

Beautiful… noise…

"YOUR VOICE IS BACK!" I howled, pointing at Soundbite, who jumped in shock and caused the music to cut off with a record scratch.

" **I-I** _didn't notice!"_ Soundbite yelped, his voice still slightly raspy. " _ **I-I WAS listening to**_ LUFFY FIGHT AND _and it felt right!"_

"Oh, that's alright, then," I nodded cordially. "We all make mistakes, and this _was_ a very stressful— _GYRGH!"_

"AMP VIVI, NOW!" Nami shrieked as she grabbed my throat.

"R-RIGHT!" I choked out before jabbing my finger at the clocktower. "AM— _GASTRO-_ AMP, MAX VOLUME! _AND GIVE IT DIRECTIONALITY, NO VOICE OF GOD!"_

" _ **ROGER ROGER!"**_ Soundbite nodded in agreement, focusing intently on the clocktower.

A moment later, Vivi's voice rang out as clear as a bell. While it lacked the direction of the voice of God, at _least_ it matched the sheer intensity and volume.

After that, well… the rest, as it is often said, was history.

It had been a long and hard road, filled with pain and suffering aplenty, but at long last, the core of the Alabasta Saga was said and done.

All that was left for us was to move onto the epilogue, and from there… to simply move on.


End file.
